Washed Away: From Darkness to Light

by Nikki DuBose, James Johanson (Primary Contributor)

Published through Outskirts Press on September 30, 2016. French release is set for 2017 through Editions du Rocher.

Washed From Darkness to Light is a memoir that recounts the experiences of model Nikki DuBose as she overcomes a more than seventeen-year battle with abuse, child sexual victimization, eating disorders, psychosis, alcoholism, drugs, depression, suicide attempts, body dysmorphic disorder, and various other mental health issues, all while trying to navigate through the dark side of the fashion industry.

Her journey began as a young, introverted child with a florid imagination growing up in Charleston, South Carolina. By the age of eight she had been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused and had developed an eating disorder. The abuse warped Nikki's self-perception and sparked patterns of psychosis, depression and destructive behavior that stayed with her into adulthood. In her early twenties she began working as a television host and started a career in modeling. Eventually Nikki attained success, appearing on the covers of magazines such as Maxim, shooting for editorials like Vanity Fair, Glamour and FHM, and appearing in campaigns for Perry Ellis.

Cast into a world of excess, superficiality, and vanity, Nikki traveled the globe and experienced the finest that the material world had to offer, all while feeling empty inside. Her disorders, addictions and mental health issues took her to the brink of mortality and only though a deeply painful inner-battle and her mother's death was she able to reconnect the lost pieces of her soul and see the person she had so long rejected.

Her recovery from a nearly lifelong struggle with PTSD, psychosis, addictions and eating disorders has left Nikki with a passionate longing to help others who are also suffering by advocating for mental health and self-acceptance. In America, more than sixty-one million individuals are affected by mental illness. Child sexual abuse affects more than forty-five million people in the United States alone, yet it is still regarded as one of the most shameful issues to date. Eating disorders affect millions and are one of the most destructive and life-threatening mental afflictions today – anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychological illness. Despite the extent of the suffering, eating disorders and mental health issues are poorly understood in popular culture and are often stigmatized, mocked, or even glorified because of misconceptions and ignorance over the seriousness of the manner. Although the modeling industry has made strides towards body diversity in the past couple of years, there is a lack of education and awareness surrounding eating disorders and other mental health issues. We believe that through the recent societal trends and improved sharing of information, we are beginning to break this paradigm, therefore another aim of this book will be to educate the public. Washed From Darkness to Light will serve as a testimony to others to let them know that they are not alone in their fears, doubts, and frustrations, and that through recovery all things are possible.

Advanced Praise for Washed From Darkness to Light

"A compelling and educational read about the dark side of the fashion business and its effect on mental health. Nikki draws upon her experiences of overcoming a life-threatening eating disorder as she navigates through the industry, all while wrestling with a broken home life and struggling to discover her inner voice. Nikki's story is truly remarkable and will serve as a beacon to anyone who has ever doubted their own intrinsic value. I highly recommend Washed From Darkness to Light.” - Brian Cuban, Attorney, Author (Shattered My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder), Activist

“I was truly amazed by her determination to live life. I saw a woman that had every reason to quit and remain silent, but she chose to break through every obstacle that challenged her. I am very grateful that she has taken on the challenge to not only speak about her experience, but to fight for change in laws that will empower children and survivors to protect themselves. We all need to learn from Nikki and use our voices to create positive change. It is no longer okay for the silence to outweigh the tough discussion. Ignorance will not stop child sex predators from harming our children.” - Matthew Sandusky, Founder & Executive Director of Peaceful Hearts Foundation, Author ( Breaking My Silence to Overcome the Trauma of Child Sexual Abuse), Speaker

“To endure what DuBose has within her first decade proves more than most could handle in a lifetime, yet she looks back at her life with grace and a rare honesty. As she takes us through the overly sexualized fashion industry as an international top model, she gives the no-holds barred account on mental illness, rape, and eating disorders that our society so desperately needs.” - Neesha...

Genres: Mental Health, Memoir, Biography, Nonfiction

304 pages, Paperback

Published September 30, 2016

About the author

Nikki DuBose is a former model turned author, mental health advocate, and ambassador. Her debut memoir, Washed Away: From Darkness to Light, was released on September 30, 2016 through Outskirts Press and in 2017 in France with Editions du Rocher.

Tara Nicole DuBose was born in 1985 in Charleston, South Carolina to Sandra Pierce and Wayne DuBose. Her mother was an artist and her father was a delivery salesman for local food companies. Sandra named her “Tara” after the fictional plantation in the film, Gone with the Wind, directed by Victor Fleming. Despite Sandra’s love for the name, she and Wayne often referred to Tara as “Nikki,” short for Nicole, and so the name stuck. After her parents divorced when Nikki was two, she and her younger brother were raised by their mother and stepfather. Her upbringing was filled with problems; Nikki suffered abuse of all kinds and was a witness to domestic violence. Her mother, Sandra, was afflicted with severe mental health conditions and drank heavily. As a result, Nikki suffered for over seventeen years from a wide range of mental health conditions.

Nikki wrote her first short story in the third grade and was a staff writer for the Odyssey in her senior year of high school. Her mental health conditions, however, hindered her from writing for many periods of her life. Although the ability to write was taken from Nikki for many years, through the gift of recovery, writing is what helped Nikki to heal and gave her her voice back. Washed Away: From Darkness to Light explores her life from the ages of two to twenty-seven, and her recovery from the mental torments that threatened to kill her.

Nikki currently lives in Los Angeles, California and enjoys reading anything by Stephen King in her spare time. She is working on a poetry book about the Gullah culture, which heavily influenced her growing up.

Nikki recently worked alongside Assemblymember Marc Levine on California Assembly Bill 2539, which addressed the need for workplace protections and health standards in the modeling industry. She gives talks regularly on her recovery at universities and treatment centers. Her advocacy work and recovery story have been profiled on CBS Los Angeles, People, Vogue UK, Esquire, India Times, Inquisitr, and many others. She writes extensively on mental health, political issues, and exposes the truth about the modeling industry on The Huffington Post, the National Eating Disorders Association, Eating Disorder Hope, Clinical Recovery Institute, and Recovery Warriors. She also recently contributed as an expert reviewer for Harvard University’s STRIPED program (Strategic Training Initiative for the Prevention of Eating Disorders), helping craft their student lesson and their teaching lesson for this new semester, which focuses on modeling and eating disorders.

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Washed Away: From Darkness To Light" is a shattering riveting debut memoir of a mother and daughter relationship and the serious mental illness that passed between them defining their family dynamic. Author/editor Nikki DuBose worked for a high powered modeling agency traveling abroad to exotic locations in Paris, the sparkling Mediterranean near Barcelona, also Italy-- during that time, she was hiding a severe eating disorder that nearly claimed her life.

Early memories of Nikki's life in Charleston S.C. were happy; her father, a hardworking laborer loved sports and was highly devoted to his family. Nikki's beautiful mother Sandy produced gallery quality paintings, finding solace in art from her troubled thoughts. Attracting the attention of an older wealthy businessman who lavished Sandy with costly gifts, travel, and promises of a higher standard of living, Sandy divorced her husband and married Stephen. This was a disaster for little Nikki, who soon was controlled by Stephen's hair-trigger temper, his critical Jekell/Hyde personality, seldom hesitating to strike Sandy or Nikki when angered.
Frequently confused and frightened, Nikki saw ghostly shadow figures in her room late at night and was terrified of a spooky antique doll given to her as a gift. Sandy told her the visions were no big deal, she had seen some as well. In 1995 Sandy was admitted to Rayside Heights, (a local mental facility) where she received a dual-diagnosis for serious mental illnesses. Nikki had observed Sandy's distinct personalities: Henrietta- (child-like, forcing Nikki into the parental role), Julie- (angry, verbally abusive, violent) and Betty- (sexually impulsive, provocative and promiscuous). After a terrifying late night excursion with Sandy/Betty Nikki was removed from her mother's care by Child Protective Services.
Deeply concerned about Nikki, her father was an easy target for her manipulation. Nikki easily lied and stole money from him to buy binge food, alcohol and weed. Accepted by the popular girls at school, Nikki skipped school and partied with the in-crowd. However, when they discovered the large volumes of missing party food, also the missing food from their homes after Nikki visited, they bullied and taunted her endlessly.
Nikki's marriage to Benjamin on June 12, 2003, was a proud memorable moment, her father gave her away in a traditional wedding ceremony. The couple moved to San Diego, (divorced in 2004): there Nikki was discovered at the local Club Republic by a fashion editor for "Isabelle" magazine. Nikki's modeling career was launched when she moved to Los Angeles: her photo shots were featured in all the popular fashion magazines including Vogue and Vanity Fair. There was hardly enough time to fully enjoy this new exciting career! Industry managers constantly pushed the models to alter their appearance with breast implants, liposuction, and various enhancement surgical procedures. The pressure to remain thin was tremendous, as Nikki spent enormous amounts of energy hiding her eating disorder and family problems. An agency therapist offered two sessions weekly, but Nikki would need to remain free of her eating disorder.

Nikki and her partner Oliver were living in a small apartment in Jersey City on October 12, 2012 when Hurricane Sandy "stampeded" accross the East Coast. Although Sandy had died the previous month, Nikki could feel her mother's spirit/fury unleashed in devastation of the super-storm. Surprisingly, their apartment building remained intact and good condition. Looking up into the sky, they were in awe of a glorious rainbow, its splendor of healing promise spread across the atmosphere for all those below. Photos and a helpful resource list included. ~ With thanks and appreciation to NetGalley for the provision of this e-book for the purpose of review.

[Charlene McElhinney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have so much respect for Nikki Dubose for sharing so much of her life and the toughest of times with us. I admire her honesty and I have the upmost respect for her. You can't scrutinise this piece of writing at all as she has literally poured her life into writing form and you just can't fault that. This book will definitely, without a doubt, help people. Not only is this a memoir but also a self-help book to such a wide audience. I'll have a longer review on the blog soon with further thoughts & feelings! (www.charlenemcelhinney.co.uk)

[Mindfoodly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nikki's journey to discover true self-love, after years believing destructive lies about her beauty, body and worth, is inspiring. Washed Away is a true, and much needed, love letter to anyone - man or woman, struggling to believe they matter. This book will remind you that you're good enough as you are, and inspire you in your own recovery journey.

[Zee Monodee · Rating 5 out of 5]

All while reading this memoir and long after I'd finished it, I kept asking myself how this little girl and then this young woman managed to hold it together and make it this far in life and on top of that, managing to be so candid and frank and well, brutally honest about what she'd been through...
It appears Nikki DuBose and I aren't that far apart in age, so this rang even closer to my heart because we were almost the same age at the same time and look what she'd been going through. I won't go into details about what her life has been like - trust me, I cannot rehash it in any way that would be justice to the utter poignancy and heart-wrenching prose of her words in this memoir.
It's shocking, hurting, baleful, utterly grasping all while it is absolutely horrifying, too. All throughout, I wanted to reach in and pull this girl into my arms for a hug. To be honest, I got through much of the harder parts of this tale knowing that this person ultimately seemed to have made it to a place where she finally found peace - I wouldn't have been able to take it if she hadn't.
This is a story that will ring with you and haunt you and stay with you long after you've finished it. For me, it's a must read for anyone who feels life has beaten them down in any way and who is looking for a lick of hope and a trace of light to cling to so as to get out of the darkness.

[Fiona Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book and read it in a matter of days. Truthful and powerful account of how one woman suffered constant abuse and battled addictions, mental illness and an eating disorder. A real page turner!

[Haley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Washed Away is the story of two women, actually–not just Nikki herself, but also her mother. Nikki’s story illustrates just how strong the ties of mental illness can be–both nature and nurture. Her life was basically just a boulder rolling down a mountain–there was no way to stop it until the very bottom–and that boulder crushed everything in its path.

And Nikki was crushed by everything imaginable. I don’t often put a trigger warning at the beginning of my reviews, but it was necessary for this one. It is so easy to feel hopeless while reading a book like this because there seemingly is no end to the tragedy that this woman went through in her life. But she found her way out. I cannot imagine how impossible recovery seemed, but her epilogue was full of all the hope that was missing in the rest of the pages. It’s worth reading the rest just for that.

If you are looking for a story about someone who got out, someone who fought through bulimia and mental illness and came out on the other side–maybe look at Nikki’s book. Just be aware that this is a very triggering story, so take care.

[C. M. Craig · Rating 2 out of 5]

I respect what she’s gone through and her dedication to helping people with mental illnesses. But her writing style is not good. It’s full of clichés and insubstantial spirituality. I lost track of the number of times she used the word “soul.”

For anyone who does not believe in the Abrahamic god, her recommendations about recovery are useless. It’s all based on her religious beliefs. I also think this book will make anyone who had an abortion feel terrible about themselves because, in the last chapter of the book, she basically says her abortion was murder and that she needs for forgiveness for it.

So, if you are Christian, anti-choice, and struggling with an eating disorder or addiction, this book might help you, and you should give it a try. Anything that helps people who are hurting is worthwhile. I just can’t convince myself of something I don’t believe in for the sake of recovery. And there are other ways to maintain your recovery than believing in God.

[Stefanie Jung · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nikki writes with such integrity and heart that it's impossible to not emphasize with her. Her honesty with her struggles is inspiring and I wish more people would share their stories of trauma, as it can really help others who are going through something similar. I hope that this book finds it's way into the hands of people you've gone through similar difficulties like abuse, eating disorders and addictions, so that they will see they are not alone in this. I myself have dealt with an eating disorder, and I know how healing it can be to open up about it, so I'm glad to see that Nikki decided to write a book about her story and share it with the world!

[claudia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Exasperating At times

Well , just finished the book and although there’s a lesson to be learned towards the very end of the boot , through out most of the story , Nikki comes off as an exasperating character ; she makes all the wrong choices for too long making the book a bit dull and repetitive. I appreciated the epilogue but I was sorely tempered to just stop reading this book. I think her story is a powerful one but I would have liked to see a bit more of hope earlier on. This would have made the chapters much more poignant

[Destiny Pifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a fantastic read and really tells you how dangerous the modeling industry and how after pushing someone to starve themselves then replace that person so easily. This is a wonderful memoir about how the author and former fashion model suffered from abuse, sexual assault, addictions and anorexia. The truly sad part is the industry really does push their models to practically starve themself to get way too skinny and then wonder's why that model is so screwed up. There were times when I read this and was thinking "No Don't Trust That Person!" My heart goes out to this woman and the struggles she faced as she fought the memories of her traumatic pass and how she dealt with a dangerous eating disorder that almost took her life. I highly recommend this especially if you want an inside scoop on how dangerous the modeling industry is.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Washed Away: From Darkness To Light is such a powerful and inspirational memoir of one woman's battle to survive despite staggering odds. Nikki Dubose takes us on her tumultuous journey that unfolds from childhood through adulthood. She gives us an alarming and heartbreaking window into the world of child abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, rape, eating disorders, mental illness, and substance abuse. I applaud her for shedding light on these topics - ones that people are too afraid to talk about because of the stigma attached to them. She not only brings them to the surface, she gives them a strong voice and a real face.
This book - her life - is written with poise and with passion. It is real. It is shocking. It is inspiring.
You will not want to put it down. A definite must read.

[J.P. Willson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I need to think about this one...

[Lily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who can read this without at least tearing up has no heart. As someone with a traumatizing childhood, and eating disorders, and my own hallucinations and demons, all of which I am still coming to terms with, I not only empathized, but found hope in these pages. Although this may be triggering for some, and indeed, I myself had to pause often to cry and deal with the memories that were stirred, it was also in its own way cathartic..

Received for review