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Latin for All Occasions #1
Latin for All Occasions: Lingua latina occasionibus omnibus
«Was I speaking Latin again?»Who says Latin is a dead language? Certainly no any former altar boys, public schoolboy, or any girl who ever dreamed of being Audrey Hepburn in A Nun's Story. The Roman mass may be a thing of the past, but Latin's never been livelier - thanks to Henry Beard, former prisoner of the classics and best-selling author of Sailing: A Sailor's Dictionary and Miss Piggy's Guide to Life. He's come up with an essential tool to vindicate anyone who's ever winged it through mass or struggled with the ablative. Here, in one handy, easy-to-use volume are hundreds of everyday English expressions rendered into grammatically accurate, idiomatically correct classical Latin - with a complete, easy-to-use pronunciation guide. And all of these practical phrases are conveniently organized into familiar conversational categories, so that you can be confident that in any social situation some suitable Latin bona dicta (bon mots) will be right at your fingertips.
«Denuone Latine loquebar?»
«Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of Slips out.»
«Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.»
Latin for All Occasions gives you the perfect phrase for every contemporary situation, from starting a relationship («Frequentasne hunc locum?» «Do you come here often?») to classic movie quotes («Fac ut gaudeam!» «Make my day!») through bumper stickers, personal ads, sport terms, answering machine messages, cocktail party chitchat, and much, much more.
The next time you feel like using the immortal language of Caesar, Cicero, Virgil, and Horace to turn an ordinary remark into a timeless utterance, don't let feles, felis, feli, felem, fele (the cat) get your tongue. Just pull out a copy of Latin for All Occasions.
Bona fortuna! (Good luck!)
91 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1990
27 people are currently reading
285 people want to read
About the author
Henry N. Beard
111 books38 followersHenry N. Beard (born ca. 1945) is an American humorist, one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon and the author of several best-selling books.
Beard, a great-grandson of Vice President John C. Breckinridge, was born into a well-to-do family and grew up at the Westbury Hotel on East 69th Street in Manhattan. His relationship with his parents was cool, to judge by his quip "I never saw my mother up close."
He attended the Taft School, where he was a leader at the humor magazine, and he decided to become a humorous writer after reading Catch-22.
He then went to Harvard University from which he graduated in 1967 and joined its humor magazine, the Harvard Lampoon, which circulated nationally. Much of the credit for the Lampoon's success during the mid 1960s is given to Beard and Douglas Kenney, who was in the class a year after Beard's. In 1968, Beard and Kenney wrote the successful parody Bored of the Rings.
In 1969, Beard, Kenney and Rob Hoffman became the founding editors of the National Lampoon, which reached a monthly circulation of over 830,000 in 1974 (and the October issue of that year topped a million sales). One of Beard's short stories published there, "The Last Recall", was included in the 1973 Best Detective Stories of the Year. During the early 1970s, Beard was also in the Army Reserve, which he hated.
In 1975 the three founders cashed in on a buy-out agreement for National Lampoon; and Beard left the magazine. After an "unhappy" attempt at screenwriting, he turned to writing humorous books.
Beard, a great-grandson of Vice President John C. Breckinridge, was born into a well-to-do family and grew up at the Westbury Hotel on East 69th Street in Manhattan. His relationship with his parents was cool, to judge by his quip "I never saw my mother up close."
He attended the Taft School, where he was a leader at the humor magazine, and he decided to become a humorous writer after reading Catch-22.
He then went to Harvard University from which he graduated in 1967 and joined its humor magazine, the Harvard Lampoon, which circulated nationally. Much of the credit for the Lampoon's success during the mid 1960s is given to Beard and Douglas Kenney, who was in the class a year after Beard's. In 1968, Beard and Kenney wrote the successful parody Bored of the Rings.
In 1969, Beard, Kenney and Rob Hoffman became the founding editors of the National Lampoon, which reached a monthly circulation of over 830,000 in 1974 (and the October issue of that year topped a million sales). One of Beard's short stories published there, "The Last Recall", was included in the 1973 Best Detective Stories of the Year. During the early 1970s, Beard was also in the Army Reserve, which he hated.
In 1975 the three founders cashed in on a buy-out agreement for National Lampoon; and Beard left the magazine. After an "unhappy" attempt at screenwriting, he turned to writing humorous books.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
October 19, 2012
Imagine my surprise when I opened this book, thinking it was going to be a standard Latin phrase book, and encountered: In dentibus anticis frastrum magnam spinaciae habes (You have a big piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.) By the time I'd leafed my way through Excuses: Hostes alienigeni me abduxeunt. Qui annus est? (I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?), Curses: Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!(May barbarians invade your personal space!), and Table Talk: Noli ludere alimento! Memento Carthiginienses esurientes!(Don't play with your food. Remember the starving Carthaginians!), I was laughing so hard I was seized with an attack of the hiccups, which I still have not recovered from.
(I should have read the author's bio first. Henry Beard was the co-founder of the National Lampoon. That pretty much says it all.)
If you know anybody who has studied Latin, this book would make an absolutely stupendous gift. (My birthday is coming up soon ... just in case you were wondering.) Even if you haven't studied Latin, this book is guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.
Radicitus, comes!
(Radical, dude!)
(I should have read the author's bio first. Henry Beard was the co-founder of the National Lampoon. That pretty much says it all.)
If you know anybody who has studied Latin, this book would make an absolutely stupendous gift. (My birthday is coming up soon ... just in case you were wondering.) Even if you haven't studied Latin, this book is guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.
Radicitus, comes!
(Radical, dude!)
July 7, 2010
Pretty boring, not useful at all unless you enjoy being stupid or crass.
March 27, 2025
Artig liten bok
August 6, 2011
A must-have for any fan of Latin~ :D
April 29, 2011
It's just a list of funny latin phrases.
Somewhat entertaining, but meh.
Somewhat entertaining, but meh.
January 23, 2013
I am still laughing and cannot contain myself, it is amazing and short, good way to start, but it does not point out what a specific word means, but will get you to talk up and quickly.
December 18, 2017
Back story: (Scroll down for the actual review)
I had a troubled career back in high school. I chose my first school only because my then best friend went there. He was a Maths genius and I was lacking a personality: following him was the only way I could survive my first year of high school. He was a saint: he made schemes and summaries for me, he helped me study... I always say that he literally dragged me out of the first year. Latin was one of the subject we were studying. I wasn't excellent like he was, but I was able to score a 6 or 7 (out of 10). I couldn't see the usefulness of studying Latin but I did it.
Then it became clear that I couldn't survive in a curriculum with heavy emphasis on Maths, Physics and Informatics and I switched to a Linguistics curriculum. Same building, different classes. I have the feeling that my best friend never forgave me for switching. Our friendship started to crumble apart a few months into our sophomore year.
I got a new Latin teacher. And she was bad! She wanted a perfect class and in order to achieve that, she used to push students to drop out. If you do it in the first or second year... OK, maybe you're showing the kid that that's not the right curriculum for them. But if you do it in the fourth year (Italian high school lasts five years), you're just mean!
Anyway. She targeted me. I had always excelled in Italian, yet I got my first bad notes with her. Once she laughed at me because I dared ask her the meaning of an antiquate word. Another time she suggested me to switch again, to a technical school with tons of math and measuring. Another time she made fun of me because I mixed up vis-roboris and vir-viri... In November I was already having troubles because of her... And I didn't have my best friend to back me up. My mum had to drive to the city three times a week to come and pick me up from school, otherwise I wouldn't have gone to school.
Of course, all the good feelings I had for Latin disappeared because of that teacher. Latin became a torture and, in the end, I didn't pass it in June and I had to study during the Summer. In my third year, I had to switch again: I transferred to another linguistic high school (with no Latin) and I stayed there till graduation.
Actual review (Sort of)
I still can translate simple sentences... Let's say that I can pass Latin 101 because of a good grammar knowledge and a little bit of intuition. But I've never thought of it as a subject with any connection to reality, like English or German. These sentence, for instance, were way to difficult for me: I could recognize the elements but understanding the meaning without looking at the translation was hard.
Yet this book shows that, maybe, there's another way to teach Latin. It's not about translating texts about old battles and tales but modernizing the language to make it more appealing to people.
Some of the sentences were really funny and I can totally see them in a Latin school book. Some, on the contrary, were extremely English. A couple of them were... I don't know: I didn't understand them!
As a bathroom reading, this one was perfect. Short chapters covering different aspects of daily life and a laugh here and there to many the day a little better. I did prefer the second half of the book to the first one but I wouldn't know how to explain why.
I'd say 2,5 stars, rounded up.
I'll read the other one, for sure.
I had a troubled career back in high school. I chose my first school only because my then best friend went there. He was a Maths genius and I was lacking a personality: following him was the only way I could survive my first year of high school. He was a saint: he made schemes and summaries for me, he helped me study... I always say that he literally dragged me out of the first year. Latin was one of the subject we were studying. I wasn't excellent like he was, but I was able to score a 6 or 7 (out of 10). I couldn't see the usefulness of studying Latin but I did it.
Then it became clear that I couldn't survive in a curriculum with heavy emphasis on Maths, Physics and Informatics and I switched to a Linguistics curriculum. Same building, different classes. I have the feeling that my best friend never forgave me for switching. Our friendship started to crumble apart a few months into our sophomore year.
I got a new Latin teacher. And she was bad! She wanted a perfect class and in order to achieve that, she used to push students to drop out. If you do it in the first or second year... OK, maybe you're showing the kid that that's not the right curriculum for them. But if you do it in the fourth year (Italian high school lasts five years), you're just mean!
Anyway. She targeted me. I had always excelled in Italian, yet I got my first bad notes with her. Once she laughed at me because I dared ask her the meaning of an antiquate word. Another time she suggested me to switch again, to a technical school with tons of math and measuring. Another time she made fun of me because I mixed up vis-roboris and vir-viri... In November I was already having troubles because of her... And I didn't have my best friend to back me up. My mum had to drive to the city three times a week to come and pick me up from school, otherwise I wouldn't have gone to school.
Of course, all the good feelings I had for Latin disappeared because of that teacher. Latin became a torture and, in the end, I didn't pass it in June and I had to study during the Summer. In my third year, I had to switch again: I transferred to another linguistic high school (with no Latin) and I stayed there till graduation.
Actual review (Sort of)
I still can translate simple sentences... Let's say that I can pass Latin 101 because of a good grammar knowledge and a little bit of intuition. But I've never thought of it as a subject with any connection to reality, like English or German. These sentence, for instance, were way to difficult for me: I could recognize the elements but understanding the meaning without looking at the translation was hard.
Yet this book shows that, maybe, there's another way to teach Latin. It's not about translating texts about old battles and tales but modernizing the language to make it more appealing to people.
Some of the sentences were really funny and I can totally see them in a Latin school book. Some, on the contrary, were extremely English. A couple of them were... I don't know: I didn't understand them!
As a bathroom reading, this one was perfect. Short chapters covering different aspects of daily life and a laugh here and there to many the day a little better. I did prefer the second half of the book to the first one but I wouldn't know how to explain why.
I'd say 2,5 stars, rounded up.
I'll read the other one, for sure.
January 8, 2026
I can now say I have been kidnapped by aliens and that my Rolex is waterproof up to 12 hundred meters underwater in Latin.
Fac ut vivas 🙄
Fac ut vivas 🙄
February 26, 2017
Vorrei regalare una copia di questo libro ad alcuni miei cari amici cosiddetti "latinisti" per far capire loro che anche il latino può avere un fine, per così dire "strumentale". Sentiamo spesso discutere dell'importanza dello studio del latino, a che serve e come deve essere studiato ed insegnato in un mondo quale quello di oggi. Un tempo "lingua franca" del mondo conosciuto allora, oggi continua ad essere più croce che delizia per chi è costretto a studiarlo contro voglia e anche male. Meno male che nel sistema scolastico moderno puoi decidere tu se averlo nel corso di studi intrapreso. Ai miei tempi non avevi alternative. Dovetti sorbirmelo a malincuore senza goderne dei vantaggi. Parlo del latino e penso a quel suo "compagno di banco", è il caso di dire, e mi riferisco al greco. Questa fu la vera bestia nera che soltanto di recente ho potuto domare, insieme al latino. Destino ha voluto che queste due antiche lingue "franche" fossero da me comprese e valutate soltanto attraverso il possesso, l'uso e l'impiego di quella moderna lingua franca che è l'inglese. Sarà pur vero che fu tutta colpa mia a non voler studiarle, ma credetemi, davvero non fui in grado di capire come. Nessun professore maschio o femmina che fosse riuscì a quei tempi a svelarmi il segreto di come studiare e perché. Questo libretto di cui sto scrivendo serve proprio a quello che dovrebbe fare la scuola per fare non dico amare ma almeno comprendere l'uso strumentale e poi culturale di queste due lingue sulle quali poggia tutta la cultura dell'occidente. Ho detto che regalerei volentieri ad amici grecisti e latinisti una copia, amici e colleghi come i prof. Alberto Mirabella, Pasquale Califano, Andrea Ricupito e tanti altri egregi latinisti moderni. Il fatto è che questi signori capirebbero ben poco di un libro del genere in quanto è scritto in ...inglese!!! E loro, l'inglese non l'hanno mai voluto studiare ...
May 5, 2011
E' San Valentino e volete scrivere un bigliettino di sicuro effetto?
Volete insultare qualcuno in modo fine?
Volete fare colpo alla riunione dei 10-20-25 anni dalla maturità?
Volete rendere irresistibile lo spam?
Volete provarci con qualcuno trasudando classe?
Volete scusarvi in modo elegante?
Fatelo in latino! Questo libro ve ne dà la possibilità!!!
Dal latino per hackers al latino per le situazioni imbarazzanti, passando per il latino in spiaggia, il latino per le relazioni sentimentali e quello per dire bugie.
Spassosissimo.
ne parlo anche sul mio blog: http://paleomichilibri.blogspot.com/2...
Volete insultare qualcuno in modo fine?
Volete fare colpo alla riunione dei 10-20-25 anni dalla maturità?
Volete rendere irresistibile lo spam?
Volete provarci con qualcuno trasudando classe?
Volete scusarvi in modo elegante?
Fatelo in latino! Questo libro ve ne dà la possibilità!!!
Dal latino per hackers al latino per le situazioni imbarazzanti, passando per il latino in spiaggia, il latino per le relazioni sentimentali e quello per dire bugie.
Spassosissimo.
ne parlo anche sul mio blog: http://paleomichilibri.blogspot.com/2...
March 14, 2013
Pretty fun, especially since most Latin learned in school isn't really practical. Unless you're really big on talking about honor and such. But sometimes I really just want to tell people "May barbarians invade your personal space!" in Latin. (Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!) Or "You have shit for brains." (Stercorem pro cerebro habes.)
November 15, 2010
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules!
June 15, 2011
Cute. I laughed quite a few times. Would be more helpful if macrons were included over long vowels for pronunciation purposes.
September 22, 2013
Vah!Denuone Latine loquebar?
December 22, 2013
Very fun and enjoyable book
June 22, 2015
Great ideas for cards
April 22, 2016
A cute book to flip through.
November 3, 2016
Great little book to get some amusing phrases in Latin.
July 9, 2017
Funny and shows that even snark sounds more sophisticated in Latin
July 21, 2017
this is full of dated jokes/language, but there's a few gems in here! it's nevertheless an entertaining quick read.
July 19, 2018
Don't play with your food! Remember the starving Carthaginians!
October 8, 2018
Truly wonderful book of translations.
November 17, 2025
This is often funny, and often over the top, and occasionally both. Beard is serious about providing things to say in Latin: even the titles and asides are often provided in both English and in Latin. The title page is provided with the Latin version facing the English.
Some of the translations require a bit of free association. On the title page, New York is translated as Novi Eboraci. Eboraci is the genitive of Eboracum, which was the capital “city” of the Brigantes, a Celtic tribe, in pre-Roman Britain. It was where York is now.
How Nascida gets interpreted as “Kleenex” as in his Latin for “I was just looking to see whether you had any Kleenex here among these papers on your desk” I don’t get.
If you want to tell someone “bald-faced lies” in latin because they “are less bald-faced in Latin”, you can say that the check is in the mail:
You could use this book to fill your social media posts with high-sounding but tritely-meant things, such as “As Tacitus once said to Caesar…”
Sequels are never as good as the original.
Or as Inspector Renault said at the Vatican, “Conlige suspectos semper habitos.”
If your social media is more sports-oriented than movie-oriented, the designated hitter rule has been hated for longer than it’s been in existence:
One of the funnier sections is “Hidden Insults”, that is, phrases that sound like a compliment but are actually an insult. “Podex perfectus es”, for example, does not tell you that you are perfect. It says that you are a perfect ass. (Oddly, Google’s Latin translation has it as “You are a perfect little boy”, which I suspect is a bit of face-saving on Google’s part. Podex is definitely anus; boy is puer.)
This is possibly the most humorously pretentious bathroom reader ever written.
Some of the translations require a bit of free association. On the title page, New York is translated as Novi Eboraci. Eboraci is the genitive of Eboracum, which was the capital “city” of the Brigantes, a Celtic tribe, in pre-Roman Britain. It was where York is now.
How Nascida gets interpreted as “Kleenex” as in his Latin for “I was just looking to see whether you had any Kleenex here among these papers on your desk” I don’t get.
Conabar cognoscere num tibi adsit Nascida in mensa tua inter haec scripta.
If you want to tell someone “bald-faced lies” in latin because they “are less bald-faced in Latin”, you can say that the check is in the mail:
Perscriptio in minibus tabellariorum est.
You could use this book to fill your social media posts with high-sounding but tritely-meant things, such as “As Tacitus once said to Caesar…”
Sequella numquam tam bona est quam origo.
Sequels are never as good as the original.
Or as Inspector Renault said at the Vatican, “Conlige suspectos semper habitos.”
If your social media is more sports-oriented than movie-oriented, the designated hitter rule has been hated for longer than it’s been in existence:
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
One of the funnier sections is “Hidden Insults”, that is, phrases that sound like a compliment but are actually an insult. “Podex perfectus es”, for example, does not tell you that you are perfect. It says that you are a perfect ass. (Oddly, Google’s Latin translation has it as “You are a perfect little boy”, which I suspect is a bit of face-saving on Google’s part. Podex is definitely anus; boy is puer.)
This is possibly the most humorously pretentious bathroom reader ever written.
Sic friatur crustum dulce.
October 6, 2022
They say Latin is a dead or a cursed language and yet latin words/phrases are usually use in our present time. I'm glad that I got to own this book because I can use it when I'm feeling smart or when I'm feeling angry at a person at least he or she won't understand what I say to him or her. An interesting book and I can use it in all occasions hehe. Abeo!
July 22, 2019
Very funny. Vere iucundus.
January 19, 2020
Here it is. Disregard the other one.
November 20, 2021
Pure crack but in the best way.
February 20, 2022
A fun little book! If you can remember impossible phrases, you can get polite smiles and lifted brows wherever you go.
January 6, 2023
Ik heb nog nooit zo’n plezier gehad met lezen in het Latijns als met dit boekje!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews