365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy

by Charla Muller, Betsy Thorpe

When Charla Muller?s husband turned 40, she gave him something memorable. Sex. Every day. For an entire year.

The Mullers had a solid marriage and two wonderful children, but over the years sex had fallen low on their to-do list. The lack of intimacy wasn't causing them to drift apart, exactly, but their connection didn't seem as great as it could be. Charla decided she couldn't go on pretending the relationship they once had wasn't important.

The couple would embark on a year of scheduled sex, falling over Tonka trucks and piles of laundry in an effort to make time for each other. There were obstacles along the way (work implosions, faking it) and questions came to light. Will sex every day strengthen a marriage, or reveal the cracks? Pull a couple together or drive them apart? Does good sex (even mediocre sex) make up for things that aren't so good?

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Marriage, Book Club, Relationships, Biography Memoir, Self Help

270 pages, Paperback

First published June 24, 2008

Reviews

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this because the author is a friend of a friend through three different people. When she stayed on topic, I thought it was interesting and liked the book. However, when she pontificated about her thoughts on the world, marriage, work, children, the meaning of holidays, it was quite annoying. Why should I care what she thinks? Unfortunately, this was over 60% of the book. I felt a little bait and switched, so that she could write about herself instead of the title of the book. Or, maybe she was just trying to fill pages.

[Karen · Rating 1 out of 5]

do NOT read this book. seems like there's a whole new genre of "i want to make money so i'm going to do (insert project) for a year and then write a book about it and be rich and famous" lit out there.

i WAS intrigued by the author's concept--having sex w/your spouse every freaking day for a year, who the eff has time for that. i expected lots of funny scenarios-gone-wrong, etc.

no.

noooooo.

this was so painful i couldn't even finish it, and i'm not the kind of gal who gives up easily on a book. this was just so stupid and boring.....instead of regaling the reader with erotic escapades (or even a small dose of humor) the writer just goes on and on and onnnnnnn about how much she loves her hubby, hates mini-vans, and how hard it is to come to terms w/your physical self as you age and beauty fades.

fucking boring.

[Jessie Terwilliger · Rating 1 out of 5]

Okay. So I understand how a promise to have sex for 365 days straight can kind of turn into other stories, and I understand that a "memoir of intimacy" does not mean a memoir OF the sex.

However...

The first thing that bothered me was that as she mentioned to her husband that they needed to define what "sex" was, they never clearly defined it! This is because the author shies away from actually ever mentioning sex, and in one part even mentions something about if her family is reading this then "disregard that last part, it never happened," *casual whistling*

Ultimately, it's a story about how batshit crazy narcissistic this woman is because even as she's giving her husband The Gift, she obviously loathes every minute of it and often makes mention that her husband complained that she wasnt "into it," in other words she was just lying there. What is so intimate about THAT I wonder? Because that is basically plain old "Just Sex," and there is nothing intimate about that. But the author proudly proclaims in her final chapter (which she entitled "Independence Day",) where she is now "free of the gift" that she did it, she made intimacy happen between them.

No. She made sex happen between them. This was neither a memoir of intimacy nor was it a memoir of sex for a year. It was just a bunch of crap ramblings about getting old and so what if she doesn't look like a Victoria's Secret model because none of those models are having sex with their husband every night of the year so HA!

This book's title was misleading, and the sex for a year was played up to be much more than it was in this book. Had it been called anything else, I'd of never read it, and I'm actually quite upset that I wasted my time on it. Really disappointing.

[Pandora · Rating 1 out of 5]

One of those annoying, unfinishable books that are completely misrepresented by their premise. This is in no way a 'memoir of intimacy' - no great insights about the nature of maintaining sex in married life - instead it's a little like being forced to read a year's worth of the 'Muller family newsletter; you know, the kind that some families send out with a Christmas card every year that details Every. Little. Thing. that happenned during two-thousand and whatever. So, if the idea of a listening to a years' worth of ramblings from an upper middle class white Southern soccer mom whose most interesting vice is watching Bad Television (presumably Jerry Springer-type shows) floats your boat, this one's for you. But trust me: your life is far more interesting. And I don't even know you.

[Stan Armiger · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm a guy and the only reason I picked this book up at the local book exchange was even at my most virile I don't ever think I would be up for it every night. I was interested to see how husband Chad held out but there was no real mention of this or for that matter any other intimate details.
This book was total con and very hard to keep reading and I only finished it as I am such miserly bastard I needed to get my moneys worth out of the nominal price I paid for it. I just thank God that I did not pay anywhere near the full price.
I feel the blurb on the cover that read "A Memoir of Intimacy" should have been "The Miscellaneous Meanderings of a Middle Class American Lady"

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw this couple on some talk shows last year when the book came out. She gives her husband sex every day for a year for his 40th birthday. The book is weird, not even really about their relationship but about her childhood, neighbors, etc. Would have been more interesting if she talked about all the times she wished she would have just bought him a tie...

[Liralen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book while browsing in the library and was intrigued. Unfortunately, it was something of a disappointment - there is, frankly, not a whole lot of tension (I don't mean that I wish that the year of daily sex had gone terribly and that they'd considered divorce - simply that the book could pretty much be summed up as "We had sex every day for a year. My husband loved it. Me, not so much. It was great for our relationship!").

As other reviewers have pointed out, sex and intimacy are not one and the same. The author's approach to improving her marriage is interesting, sure, but there is really very little discussion of either sex (they had it) or intimacy (it improved?) in this book. The author could have delved much, much deeper to make for a more compelling read.

[Megan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hated this book. I only finished it because I really dislike abandoning books halfway through, and because I thought it SURELY must get better somewhere along the way... it didn't. Repetitive, cliched, boring, pointless... I could go on but I've wasted enough time already.

[Mindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not an easy feat to make 365 nights of sex boring, but this book nailed it. After the first chapter, I started skimming, and eventually flipped to the back of the book and began reading it backwards. A vein of saccharin passive-aggression permeated the book, especially in passages about her husband's family. And the focus seemed primarily self-centered---an "I want to pick a gift that is so HUGE that my husband (and the rest of the world) cannot forget what I did."

Today I also finished Just Do It by Doug Brown about the sexathon that he and his wife Annie embarked upon. The feel of that book was totally different; Annie's naturalness and genuinely wholesome sweetness really came through, as did Doug's. Then I saw an interview of Doug and Annie on the Today Show, and thought, "Yep. They seem genuine." Doug's book eventually became repetitive and ho-hum in places, but overall, it radiated the essence of a vibrant marriage and inspired me to reinvigorate my own. 365 Nights, however, was a yawn.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Someone needs to give Ms. Muller the memo that "intimacy" is not, in fact, a synonym for intercourse, or, really, for sex in general. This switcheroo gets really nauseating pretty early on in this book, and it also undermines her ability to say anything that's actually meaningful about how having more sex than you think you want increases intimacy in a marriage. Because of my minor nonfiction addiction (/nosiness problem), it was not uninteresting to read what a pleasant middle-class Protestant wife in a small American city thinks is worth discussing, but if you were expecting her to actually follow up on her premise the way she follows up on her promise, be aware that if you're not Brad Muller she's kind of an, ahem, tease. Hilarity does not ensue, and neither does practical advice, detail, angst, or any of the things that might suggest, well, intimacy.

[Karen]

My husband and I decided to read this book together. We thought it could be fun to see how another couple went about having sex every day for a year.

We're about halfway thought the book and I'm not sure we'll actually finish it.

If you're married with children and you need a pep talk that intimacy is possible even with all the stress of everyday life, then the author's words will probaly be comforting and maybe even a little inspiring that 'you can do it too'.

However for us, the book just wasn't what we expected. We weren't expecting anything explicit, but to say this book is tame is an understatement. In the end, the answer always seems to be 'just make time'; with little else to offer.

[Stefani · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed that the author did not convey or gain a more empowered viewpoint on her own sexuality. I tried to read as much as possible, but ended up skimming much of it. I was hoping for details about what the 365 days did for the author's sex and married life; instead it was an autobiography of an upper middle class christian republican - with side notes about what having sex every day did for her marriage, her husband and her sense of intimacy.

Amazing how someone can write a book about sex while hardly talking about sex at all. I get the sense that the author does not enjoy sex, that she looks at it as a task to keep her relationship strong and her husband happy. She did discuss a feeling of dread toward the end of her year - I appreciate that honesty, but I might have thought that after a year, she and her husband would have it *down* - he might have learned her body so thoroughly that she might have learned to look at sex a different way, that it could be something for her pleasure. Maybe they did end up having pleasurable sex for her - she doesn't say.

At one point when her husband suggests another year of sex for her birthday, he is hurt when she reacts negatively. At another, he asks her to at least pretend she is interested. It would have been so interesting to hear more about these types of real interactions between the two of them - instead she continually glosses over them and moves forward with long winded tales from her privileged life.

Perhaps it is her conservative background that stops her from discussing sexuality in more specific terms, and she thinks of herself as bold and risque for putting her experiment out into the world - so good for her. But also sad - it sounds like in her world, her friends all look at sex the same way; something that you do for your husband, for the marriage, for the benefits it provides in terms of intimacy - not for personal or shared pleasure.

[Wouter Zwemmer · Rating 1 out of 5]

”Carla heeft een goed huwelijk. Maar er ontbreekt iets belangrijks en dat gaat ze veranderen...” luidt de tekst op de voorkant van het boek. Charla Muller beschrijft dat het ‘iets’ uit de teaser seks is, een jaar lang elke dag seks.

Samenvatting voor mezelf geschreven. Is één grote spoiler.

Ongelijkheid tussen vrouw en man
Als Carla vol verwachting haar aanbod doet om een jaar lang elke dag seks te hebben, weigert haar man aanvankelijk. ”Ik wil niet dat je je verplicht voelt om elke dag met me te vrijen.” zegt hij, en: ”(...) ik kan me gewoon niet voorstellen dat je het echt meent.” Carla is gepikeerd: ”Ik deed het ultieme voorstel - iets waar veel mannen alleen maar van kunnen dromen - en hij werd er niet warm of koud van.” en: ”(...) veel mannen zouden meteen hun onderbroek in een hoek gooien, overweldigd door het idee dat hun seksuele lusten een jaar lang elke dag bevredigd zouden worden. De meesten zouden direct naar de slaapkamer rennen (...).” We zijn nog maar op pagina 13 en we zien levensgroot de vooroordelen opdoemen die als aannames onder dit verhaal liggen. Leest u mee: de meeste mannen hebben oneindige seksuele lusten; seks is het belangrijkste in het leven van een man (‘het ultieme voorstel’); het is een voorrecht van mannen om seks te ontvangen van vrouwen; mannen kunnen zich niet voorstellen dat vrouwen genieten van sex; een vrouw die haar man seks aanbiedt, is bewonderenswaardig vanwege plichtsbesef en opofferingsgezindheid... Lees ik hier nou écht een in zachte bewoordingen verpakte variant van de mythe dat de man een brute perverseling is en de vrouw een prostituee? Alsjeblieft zeg. Waar is de seksuele lust van de vrouw; waar is de behoefte aan intimiteit bij de man met naast seks ook niet-erotische uitingen; begrijpt de schrijfster dat als je een man verplicht tot elke dag seks, dat hij dat net zo goed zal ervaren als dwang en een verplichting als een vrouw? Waar is de gelijkwaardig gedeelde intimiteit tussen vrouw en man in deze aannames, met wederzijds respect voor elkaars behoeften en grenzen? Als je als vrouw met deze aannames denkt over intimiteit, is de stap naar het misbruiken van je man in het dagelijkse leven en dat afkopen tussen de lakens niet groot. Wie houdt hier eigenlijk ongelijkheid tussen vrouw en man in stand?

Mevrouw, of slechte huwelijksclichés
Mevrouw had een depressie, vertelt ze ons. Ze vond dat haast nog erger voor manlief en kinderen, dan voor haarzelf. Want, vul ik in, mevrouw cijfert zichzelf graag weg. Manlief was zoo geduldig en verdraagzaam, dat zou mevrouw zelf nooit hebben kunnen opbrengen. Wie is opnieuw de steunpilaar en wie de lastpak? Is het de man die de boel verstiert? Nee, het is de vrouw die het gezin onder druk zet, en dat ook had gedaan als ze niet depressief was geweest, met haar ongeduld, frustratie en onbegrip (haar eigen typering, red.).

Nóg een: na de huwelijksreis ging het al snel bergafwaarts met de seks: ”Om pijnlijke discussies te vermijden legde Brad zich er op een gegeven moment maar bij neer (...).” Gelijk na de huwelijksreis al... en wie veroorzaakt dit drama, niet de man zo te lezen, of wel soms...? Manlief is duidelijk: ”Nou, schat, het is echt erg pijnlijk om steeds te worden afgewezen...” Zij had natuurlijk geen idee want veel te druk met zichzelf. ”Velen van mijn vriendinnen hebben na de geboorte van hun kinderen hun echtgenoot op seksueel gebied de rug toegekeerd. Vaak doen ze hun uiterste best om onder het vrijen uit te komen. Ik was vroeger niet veel beter.” Dit is niet eerlijk, maar schandalig.

Vooruit, nog één... er komen regels voor elke dag seks. Drie maal raden wie die bepaalt... precies. Mevrouw houdt niet van erotische telefoongesprekken, dus die kan manlief vergeten als hij voor zijn werk op reis moet (om inkomen te verdienen voor vrouw en kinderen, by the way). Zij maakt de planning, want zij wil wel op háár moment en hij moet maar schikken: voetbal op tv, jammer dan, moeders seksplanning is wet. Ook geen seks als moeders zich niet goed voelt, manlief kan of mag zich dat blijkbaar niet permitteren, over zijn welbevinden geen woord.

Eèèn nóg een: het is familietraditie om een bepaalde vakantieweek met de hele familie door te brengen. Drie maal raden met wiens familie: jawel, de hare! Hij heeft blijkbaar geen familie. Mijn god echt alle slechte huwelijksclichés komen langs in dit boek.

Mevrouw maakt zich zorgen over of haar huwelijk stand zal houden op langere termijn. Tip van mij als ervaringsdeskundige: wat dacht je ervan om eens te luísteren naar je man, om je eens in hem te verdiepen, oprechte aandacht te geven in plaats van hem een waanzinnig project aan te doen dat uiteindelijk gewoon weer om jezelf draait. Wanneer houden jullie vrouwen nu eens op met al je ellende op het conto van mannen te schuiven terwijl je er zelf zo’n groot aandeel in hebt. ”Ik doe echter nooit meer dan strikt noodzakelijk is. Dat ik überhaupt iets doe, is al bijzonder, want voordat ik Brad leerde kennen was ik een enorme sloddervos.” Ze laat ánderen opruimen en schoonmaken, ”(...) waardoor ik niet op mijn man en kinderen hoef te lopen vitten met mijn ‘gemene moeder’-stemmetje.” “(...) ik was altijd de kapitein van het schip, terwijl hij aanmonsterde en meevoer.” Nee, het ligt allemaal aan de mán.

En zo gaat het maar door. Mevrouw vindt dat haar man dik is en ‘s ochtends naar uit zijn mond ruikt, maar is verbaasd om te horen dat hij het voor seks wel fijn vindt dat zij aantrekkelijk en verzorgd blijft. Ze beschrijft zichzelf als ‘een forse vrouw’... Het egocentrisme van deze vrouw is echt stuitend.

Enfin, we lezen verder...

Rolbevestigende stereotypen
”Aantrekkingskracht is een mysterieus iets. (...) Ik denk dat er iets in onze genen zit waardoor we X aantrekkelijker vinden dan Y.” Als de schrijfster wat research had gedaan dan had ze geweten dat er weinig mysterieus meer is aan verliefdheid, de psychologie kan het goed verklaren. En dan BAM, opnieuw een rolbevestigend stereotype: ”Een man die niet atletisch gebouwd is maar wel goed in de slappe was zit, kan dus even hoog scoren als een leuke meid met een goed gevoel voor humor.” De man moet compenseren met inkomen terwijl de vrouw weg komt met grappen. Waarom niet een vrouw met inkomen en een man met humor? ”Vrouwen hebben zo’n sterke biologische drang om kinderen te krijgen dat je die zou kunnen vergelijken met de mannelijke hang naar seks (... of dure auto’s).” Hoe meer ik in dit boek lees, hoe misselijker ik word.

Halverwege stap ik uit.

[Maria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book would be an interesting book about relationships and the strains that the modern world puts them under. Instead I found myself getting annoyed at the writer especially her apparent inability to use the word 'sex'. If she found it so repellent why did she not use the phrase 'making love'. Her use of the word 'imtimacy'made me think of silly 'tweenagers' giggling behind their hands at anything related to sex.This woman is over 40 for gods sake!
It seemed to me to be the author shouting "oh how wonderful am I " and "aren't I so good to my husband by doing this". But what is so good about the sex when it seemed to me that the majority of the time it was a case of 'oh lets get it over with for tonight'. Quality not quantity should count more in my opinion. Perhps we will one day get a book from her husband entitled 'Good sex does not necessarily mean lots of it'. Ha Ha

[Fusspot · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was one of the worst things I have ever read.

She learns basic and obvious life lessons and spoon-feeds them to the reader, garnished with passive-aggressive or outright nasty observations, mostly about other women:

"I cry even if I’m sitting on the groom’s side in the way back and I don’t know the bride from Eve. I cry at how beautiful she looks. Even if she doesn’t look that beautiful (and let’s face it, some don’t), she probably looks as good as she’ll ever look.

On top of that, the writer seems convinced that men and women are different species. MEN LIKE SPORTS. WOMEN PRETEND TO TO ATTRACT THEM. MEN LIKE SEX AND WANT IT ALL THE TIME. WOMEN TOLERATE SEX OCCASIONALLY.

I finished it out of horrified fascination. Save yourself.

[Nancy]

Perhaps like the quickie sex the author engages in to fulfill her birthday-gift promise to her husband, there's just not enough here. She fills the pages with extraneous stuff not remotely related to the (supposedly) central theme of how one goes about fulfilling this quirky promise in a life full of other commitments and what it ultimately means to her, her partner, and their family. When she started in on how her grandmother insisted on tablecloths blah blah at Thanksgiving, I realized this is a bunch of puff glommed onto an intriguing idea and just not for me.

[Pamela · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book actually had very little to do with "Intimacy". I don't know how she did it, but she took an exciting topic and made it humdrum. There was very little about her feelings about her promise to be intimate with her husband every day except to say he was thrilled. She hinted at being ecstatic when the year was over, but I would have preferred more FEELING.

[Megan S. · Rating 3 out of 5]

She illuminates interesting topics--how many women avoid sexual encounters with their husbands, how this changes the dynamics of their relationships, etc. I read this quickly--just for fun--and found it hit some resonating notes.

[Carrie Runnals · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow, I've received some pretty intense statements, dare I say "accusations" about this book. I'll be speaking with the author tomorrow, so I'll pass them along. Hmmmm, wonder what the rest of you GoodReads "guys" think...

[Alison · Rating 1 out of 5]

I should have read the reviews prior to ordering this book...definitely more random observations about her life (in all areas) than about the trials and tribulations of having sex every night for a year.

[Emily Mellow · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book didn't really interest me. The idea, yes, but not the writing. I just didn't care about her or her husband. I wanted to hear about the project, but I wish it had been written and undertaken by someone else.

[Shylo · Rating 2 out of 5]

I want to punch this author in the freaking face. "I love my husband, we have a great marriage, but let's do it for a year." Shut up, lady. SHUT UP. This isn't a book. It's 200 pages of bragging. Two stars because it's written in English, but that's it.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't care for this...I thought it would be more of an interesting topic, but it was random chapters about random things. I was hoping it would be more encouraging information about marriage and intimacy, but that's not how this came across. I don't know...it just didn't work for me.

[Debbie Sochor · Rating 1 out of 5]

I borrowed this from the library because I was curious what the big deal was. I found this book boring cover to cover.

[Michelle Meyers · Rating 1 out of 5]

An annoying “bait and switch” book that I abandoned. The book is 90% ramblings and woes of the modern housewife and 10% bemoaning or commenting on the self-imposed obligation to the physical act of sex (no emotions or intimacy involved, just insert Tab A into Slot B every night.) There wasn’t any emotional intimacy, despite the subtitle’s implications. I got bored around page 75 and skimmed a bit before quitting this book. This book is a Womens Day magazine, Author writes about cooking dinner, challenges of parenthood, pregnancy, bikini bodies, summer vacations as a kid, holiday traditions… and how she obligated herself to unedifying, half-hearted, mediocre sex. My expectation was that lives would be changed by *intimacy* in some way, and that it might inspire me to spice up my sex life, due in part to increased communication or connection. Or maybe this would go Jenny McCarthy and would be a hilarious, no-holds barred, laugh-until-you-pee book you can’t set down! No, what the author had was mechanics of sex, written in PG form, so as not to offend grandma, with no funny bloopers, no deep connection gained with husband, no depth or interest. The author REALLY positioned herself to show the world the beauty of intimacy in a marriage, how it strengthens bonds and builds teams and is genuinely fun- and FUNNY, sometimes, but fell short because she was caught up in the everyday happenings of life… which is exactly the thing that caused her to “gift” (regretfully) a year of sex to her husband

[Mish Middelmann · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author's perspective is clear from the outset - that sex is something either avoided by women, or given to their husbands as a gift. It's simple, not without a grain of truth, but for me it's a vast oversimplification. She barely countenances the possibility that women might have sex because they like it, although she acknowledges this is true for one of her friends. And she believes that all men have zero need for intimacy, only for sex.

Nonetheless she finds after her "gift" of sex with her husband every day for a year that it has been good for both of them and more importantly for their marriage. She tells the story in a light, woman-to-woman way full of intimate details about every aspect of her life other than her actual sex life which really remains behind the boudoir curtain.

I am also surprised that she uses the words "sex" and "intimacy" completely interchangeably, without either acknowledging that there are a gazillion different ways of being intimate without being sexual, or recognising that there is an equivalent rainbow of ways of being sexual, with infinitely varying levels of intimacy depending on the people involved.

[Allysun Arnold · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was not what I expected, but it did provide some good lessons. Charla’s writing is easy to love - she made me laugh, made me think, and made me recognize some behaviors that I think a lot of us can and *should* change. She did, however, stray off on tangents that I wasn’t sure needed to be part of the book. Really it was just such a relatable book, but I think she could have done more with it.

[Kevyn Kelso · Rating 4 out of 5]

As perhaps one of the few guys reading this book, and despite some other criticism it has received. I thought it was pretty good. Pretty informative when it comes to women, and maybe I can one day be a better husband because of it.

[Anja · Rating 1 out of 5]

Prullenbakmateriaal of steek er de kachel mee aan.

[Rebecca Herrera · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dont bother with this one:(