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Broken: My relationship with an undiagnosed Asperger's partner
Broken this is how I felt after I came out of a physically and mentally exhausting relationship with my undiagnosed Asperger's partner. He broke me and its been a long haul to get myself back to mental fitness. This is my story of my time with my ASOH (Asperger's other half) and I hope it clarifies the dynamics of a relationship with someone who has undiagnosed AS. You really would not believe how this damaging relationship has changed me from being a happy, loving, healthy, smart lady to an emotional and physical wreck for the sake of a one-sided relationship. It broke me it made me think I was going insane while he walked away un-scarred.I realise that not all relationships are the same and this is just my take on my experience. I didn't write this book to destroy my ex I actually started to write the book for myself as it felt cathartic to write everything down. My ex ASOH was not a bad man he did not mean to do the things he did but the lack of love and affection and the complete absence of emotional reciprocity nearly destroyed me. My ex did not know he had Asperger’s neither did I it was only after I had left him and he moved on straight away that I started to research why he had no feelings. How could you move on from a 13 year relationship without a backward glance? He had rejected me emotionally for almost 12 of the 13 years I was with him and now he had delivered the final rejection, he had moved on without a care. While researching and trying to make sense of the last 13 years of my life I came across so many differing personality types, none of which fit my ex until I came across Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism as it is now known. AS fit my ex like a glove, the lack of warmth, affection, conversation and poor social interactions he was classic AS. I hope by reading this book that it might save just one of you lonely Neuro Typical (normal) partners from the painful situation I found myself in. Don’t read this book if you don’t want read swearing or you want to salvage your relationship. This book is not about making an AS/NT relationship work it’s about the damage done to the NT spouse by being in this kind of relationship. If my story offends you, tough, it’s true totally true I have a right to give the story from my point of view and not from a totally empathy free AS point of view. I am aware that I have had some bad reviews for this book and I am certain that these reviews were left by someone with AS. I have been told that this book is hate speech, its not hate speech or full of lies and I will not be silenced by bad reviews. People with AS like to be described as sensitive and misunderstood not as the totally empathy free beings that they are. If you are in a relationship with someone with AS they will cause you significant emotional damage. Life with someone with AS is not pretty and sweet its hard work its exhausting and the best you can hope for is to learn coping strategies to deal with them. Even if you do learn coping strategies to live with someone with AS this will still leave you exhausted and you will still have a one sided relationship.
149 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 25, 2016
47 people are currently reading
41 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
January 6, 2022
I have Asperger's, I'm terribly sorry that you went through that; I struggle with my emotions a lot, and everyone has their own experiences with neurodivergent people. And I know that you was an author Katy Ford that it must have been hard for you to experience that from somebody who's got Asperger's Syndrome. I just want you to know that I am not judging you, because that is what you experienced, I know I have said things myself to my mom that I regret saying; but I am learning to express myself with ink and paper like a notebook obviously, I just want you to know that I'm not judging you.
March 8, 2020
A MUST for those in a relationship w an AS man!
I want to first off take a moment to say thank you so incredibly much to Katy for writing this. A little about me: I am a 35 year old woman and have been in a relationship with an AS male for 7 years. At first in our relationship I was unaware and didn’t understand many things were happening with us. I have my own son from another relationship when I was 20, which ended up being the reason why I stayed with my AS partner was for “counting on security”. I saw how much my AS man “kept everything the same” and obviously I loved him. I started feeling like I had to “protect him” with his vulnerability. I found a lot of security in that and have fought for our relationship for so long even in the midst of his extreme “unaware”, sometimes “selfishly aware” abusive behavior. Over the years I’ve tried my absolute hardest to trying to make it work. About 9 months ago I encouraged my partner to get a diagnosis w AS after I had a lightbulb moment. It was after a slew of drawn out rough tantrums and arguments, even ones where he pulled his own hair out or beat his hands on the counter to where they bled. I was getting sick from emotional tolls, bouts of depression from being stonewalled (ignored for days at a time) and was walking on eggshells. I was afraid to bring up issues in fear of him ripping the house apart or hurting himself and me left in fear, invalidated. I bought books for us and learned all I could on AS. I even joined those silly AS forum support groups online (which I imagine is where some of these bad reviews are coming from which is SOOOO ANNOYING & FRUSTRATING. Sorry but it is). I cannot tell you the amount of UTTER loneliness, sadness & fear that I have felt as an NT woman. So many times I have felt crazy for feeling how I feel. Ever heard of “cycles of abuse”? That explains NT/AS relationship except this abuse is a little different than “controlling and manipulating” because of a “character deficit”. My AS man can be sweet, kind, forgiving, & gentle which is why this can be so difficult. I recently decided that no matter how much I lose or my son (who’s 15) loses from leaving, is better than waking up to a man I can’t stand, has no empathy for my emotions, cannot relate, nor my NT sons emotions. My partner has provided so much security over the years (even after he left me for a younger woman in 2016 and slept w her on the couch I bought for us..but we got over that and here we are 4 years later). I admit, if I didn’t have so much on the line, I would have not tried to make our relationship work back in 2016. So shoot me. I’ve done all I can and after everything, this is the book I needed. To all you NT women who are trying to make you’re AS/NT relationship work, spare yourself spending a lot of money and time on books about how to fix it, and just read this book and get out. Seriously, LEAVE, RUN, GET OUT. It will save you many lonely, suicidal nights, alienating yourself from the world and forming a strict policy of always knowing what will happen with a boring lonely life void of passion & excitement. I may be 7 years in and a little damaged from being w an AS male, but I will not live out the rest of my days trying to make myself happy with someone who doesn’t know how to be emotionally available. Yes, AS males may not know what they’re doing, but that still doesn’t make it okay or hurt any less nor does it mean I have to “stick it out” because “AS brains aren’t character deficits, they’re mental disorders” like I saw in one review. I am not his mother. Yes I owe him respect for helping to give us security with his drawn out “perfect” daily routine but I do not owe him my emotional love for the amount of abuse I’ve taken over the years and the woman I once was now in mourning over it. It has been exhausting and anxiety ridden full of selfish non emotional robotic behavior. I often worry about how he will live the rest of his life bc I see extreme flaws in the way he lives his life with gaping vulnerable holes and that’s scares me. breaking up with an AS male I think will also have its challenges. I hope someone will write a book on it one day. I am now planning my exit strategy, which given the situation, will be equally difficult. Thank you Katy, you’ve helped save my life.
I want to first off take a moment to say thank you so incredibly much to Katy for writing this. A little about me: I am a 35 year old woman and have been in a relationship with an AS male for 7 years. At first in our relationship I was unaware and didn’t understand many things were happening with us. I have my own son from another relationship when I was 20, which ended up being the reason why I stayed with my AS partner was for “counting on security”. I saw how much my AS man “kept everything the same” and obviously I loved him. I started feeling like I had to “protect him” with his vulnerability. I found a lot of security in that and have fought for our relationship for so long even in the midst of his extreme “unaware”, sometimes “selfishly aware” abusive behavior. Over the years I’ve tried my absolute hardest to trying to make it work. About 9 months ago I encouraged my partner to get a diagnosis w AS after I had a lightbulb moment. It was after a slew of drawn out rough tantrums and arguments, even ones where he pulled his own hair out or beat his hands on the counter to where they bled. I was getting sick from emotional tolls, bouts of depression from being stonewalled (ignored for days at a time) and was walking on eggshells. I was afraid to bring up issues in fear of him ripping the house apart or hurting himself and me left in fear, invalidated. I bought books for us and learned all I could on AS. I even joined those silly AS forum support groups online (which I imagine is where some of these bad reviews are coming from which is SOOOO ANNOYING & FRUSTRATING. Sorry but it is). I cannot tell you the amount of UTTER loneliness, sadness & fear that I have felt as an NT woman. So many times I have felt crazy for feeling how I feel. Ever heard of “cycles of abuse”? That explains NT/AS relationship except this abuse is a little different than “controlling and manipulating” because of a “character deficit”. My AS man can be sweet, kind, forgiving, & gentle which is why this can be so difficult. I recently decided that no matter how much I lose or my son (who’s 15) loses from leaving, is better than waking up to a man I can’t stand, has no empathy for my emotions, cannot relate, nor my NT sons emotions. My partner has provided so much security over the years (even after he left me for a younger woman in 2016 and slept w her on the couch I bought for us..but we got over that and here we are 4 years later). I admit, if I didn’t have so much on the line, I would have not tried to make our relationship work back in 2016. So shoot me. I’ve done all I can and after everything, this is the book I needed. To all you NT women who are trying to make you’re AS/NT relationship work, spare yourself spending a lot of money and time on books about how to fix it, and just read this book and get out. Seriously, LEAVE, RUN, GET OUT. It will save you many lonely, suicidal nights, alienating yourself from the world and forming a strict policy of always knowing what will happen with a boring lonely life void of passion & excitement. I may be 7 years in and a little damaged from being w an AS male, but I will not live out the rest of my days trying to make myself happy with someone who doesn’t know how to be emotionally available. Yes, AS males may not know what they’re doing, but that still doesn’t make it okay or hurt any less nor does it mean I have to “stick it out” because “AS brains aren’t character deficits, they’re mental disorders” like I saw in one review. I am not his mother. Yes I owe him respect for helping to give us security with his drawn out “perfect” daily routine but I do not owe him my emotional love for the amount of abuse I’ve taken over the years and the woman I once was now in mourning over it. It has been exhausting and anxiety ridden full of selfish non emotional robotic behavior. I often worry about how he will live the rest of his life bc I see extreme flaws in the way he lives his life with gaping vulnerable holes and that’s scares me. breaking up with an AS male I think will also have its challenges. I hope someone will write a book on it one day. I am now planning my exit strategy, which given the situation, will be equally difficult. Thank you Katy, you’ve helped save my life.
May 3, 2017
Excellent portrayal of life with a HFA (High functioning autistic from the point of view of the Normal (NT spouse). Being with someone with HFA is hard work especially if they are undiagnosed. They might be undiagnosed but you know there is something not right and you try and try to make the relationship work and often you cannot make it work as the HFA partner is unable to change.
May 27, 2022
Emotional venting, not educational - just opinions
Even though I am an NT spouse I found this book to be more of a character assassination of her former husband than a informative look at a AS/NT relationship. This was obviously written as a cathartic cathartic memoir, I did not find it helpful in anyway.
Even though I am an NT spouse I found this book to be more of a character assassination of her former husband than a informative look at a AS/NT relationship. This was obviously written as a cathartic cathartic memoir, I did not find it helpful in anyway.
January 5, 2022
Sad
It's a sad story from a jaded point of view I don't think she was really trying to understand or she would have found the aspergers earlier And what have left earlier Or where we worked at it from a different way
It's a sad story from a jaded point of view I don't think she was really trying to understand or she would have found the aspergers earlier And what have left earlier Or where we worked at it from a different way
December 24, 2019
Trash book
the whole book is very “woe is me.” She sounds like a narcissist to be quite honest. No wonder it’s free. I’d be asking for a refund otherwise
the whole book is very “woe is me.” She sounds like a narcissist to be quite honest. No wonder it’s free. I’d be asking for a refund otherwise
September 22, 2019
Honest
Not a masterpiece of style with sometimes annoying repetition and jumps from topic to topic. However, pushes the message through about pain and co fusion and damage made.
Not a masterpiece of style with sometimes annoying repetition and jumps from topic to topic. However, pushes the message through about pain and co fusion and damage made.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews