Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--For the Better

by Jeanne Safer

Although five percent of the population loses a mother or father...few of us are psychologically prepared for the experience in later life. Death Benefits explores the uncharted territory each of us enters when a parent leaves us, and offers a blueprint for positive change in every aspect of our lives. Death Benefits demonstrates through powerful stories (including the author's own revelatory experience) how parent loss is the most potent catalyst for change in middle age and can actually offer us our last, best chance to become our truest, deepest selves. Safer challenges the conventional wisdom that fundamental change is only for the young; and that loss must simply be endured or overcome. Filled with moving and engaging stories of real men and women re-imagining themselves after a parent's death, it is a fresh, impassioned, and sophisticated look at self-transformation in later life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Grief, Self Help

240 pages, Hardcover

First published April 28, 2008

About the author

Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City, is the author of The Golden Condom, Beyond Motherhood, The Normal One, and several other books. Dr. Safer has appeared on The Daily Show and Good Morning America as well as numerous NPR broadcasts. Her work has been the subject of articles in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. She is the host of the I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics podcast.

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Over the course of the last four years I've lost both my father and my mother. My father passed quickly. Despite his age, he'd been given a positive report at his last doctor's visit, so the massive hemorrhagic stroke that took him was an unexpected shock. My mother passed slowly over the course of more than a year, withering away to nothing in both mind and body before leaving this world.

I noticed something odd taking place after each death and in the space of time that has passed since. Along with the mourning and regrets, I've felt what I've described as a second adolescence grip me. Not fully one month after my father died I, at the age of forty-six, pierced my nose and got a tattoo. Painful as well as confusing, I felt like I was cracking out of a cocoon to become something transformed.

Safer's book outlines this transformation many adults go through when they lose a parent. She studies the complicated tangle of emotions these 'children' often experience when a larger-than-life individual leaves that sort of vacuum behind. Nature abhors a vacuum, so what fills that void? Oftentimes, even if a parent is beloved, the vacuum of authority leaves room for growth most people feel is only available to teens and young adults. If the relationship was complicated and conflicted, the room to transform becomes greater.

I started reading the book at about 9pm yesterday evening and finished it at about 12:30AM, skimming the comprehensive case studies when they felt repetitive. Because I gulped the book, I didn't take the time to note pertinent parts, but there was one paragraph that voiced exactly what I was (and still am) experiencing. It said that most people in mid-life view themselves as fixed and static, but it's not unusual for changes, small and sometimes large, to take place after losing a parent.

This morning, I mentioned to my husband how affirming it was to realize that this feeling of metamorphosis, of this 'existential shift' I've been experiencing isn't unusual. Along with all the other complicated emotions tied up in a parent's death, guilt is often among them - survivor's guilt and guilt for feelings of relief in being released from the role of caretaker. Add to that a vague uneasiness in realizing that positive change is taking place after a loved-one's death can make a person feel monstrous. Safer's book allows for these benefits along with the grieving process and helps outline how best to deal with both.

The only reason the book got three rather than four stars (consider it a 3.5) was because the material often became repetitive. That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially if the reader needs a point driven home, but for me it became redundant.

[Terri Lynn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Let me sum it up neatly for you- The world revolves around you, it is all about you, and bring on those death panels so we can get rid of mom and dad so you can go on and have the great life they are holding you back from simply by existing. I am waiting to see if she comes up with a follow-up, maybe something like- "Be Your Best Self: An Easy How-To Guide To Bumping Off Your Parents".

I have no idea why the description with this book says that a mere 5% of adults will lose their parents. The numbers are MUCH higher than that.

This is a collection of stories from a variety of people who have lost their parents. I myself have lost my own parents. My Dad died when I was 26 and my mom when I was 47. I did not see these deaths as reasons to celebrate nor did I see it as the only way I could make positive changes in my life. I did not want for my parents to die. There was nothing to celebrate.

The presumption here is that somehow by being on the planet your parents are holding you back from self-improvement and if they die, you suddenly are open to make your life better. We all need to keep in mind that no matter what sort of relationship we had with parents, we ourselves would not be here if not for them. Have some respect.

Didn't have a great relationship with parents? Grow up and get over it. Be grateful they had you then move on. They have as much right to live a long and fulfilling life as you do and you'd have no life at all if not for them. Maybe having to take care of you all of those years was a burden to them! At any rate, the fact that they are alive doesn't keep you from doing anything you want to do, including change and improve your life.

My own suggestion would be to appreciate your parents for giving you life, help them all you can as they did in providing for you, walk away if there is hatred between you, and don't use them as a reason for not making needed changes in your life. Having a parent die is not your last and best opportunity to change yourself. You can make changes until the day you die without anyone else dying. If you are too lazy to do so, that is your own fault.

Want to make some changes? Visit www.wishcraft.com to read Barbara Sher's excellent book

Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want for free online and stop making excuses. No one has to die for you to make a better life.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took great solace in reading of others' experiences with the loss of a parent. Many articulated my experiences and feelings with clarity that had escaped me. It eased my mind and sort-of gave me permission to move beyond the grief into gratitude for the legacy left to me. While the grief still comes and goes, I am more able to focus on the gifts of the long-awaited freedom that came with ophanhood. I still have that strong urge to call my mom often, and now it is tempered with warm memories and gratitude.

[E · Rating 1 out of 5]

You can get all this book has to offer by reading its title. I was hoping for insight on grieving for parents as well as how to prepare for life after my mother is gone, but this book is primarily case studies rather than an insightful "what to do" or "how to think about it" scenario. If you like reading about the experiences of others in this situation, this might be interesting. If you are looking for insight on how to dig deep into yourself and work out some emotional stuff, forget it.

[Travel Writing · Rating 4 out of 5]

A hard book to read. Useful strategies to find the gifts in our parents. Even if they were not very attentive or attuned to you while they were alive.

[Lucia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was not what I expected. I was looking for solace from grief but if you believe that you had a good relationship with your parent this book may rub you the wrong way at times. Many of the examples are for extreme overbearing parents or severe cases of abuse. There are some examples of times when a parent stifled a kid’s dream that they were able to pursue after or just the freedom of not having to think about what might disappoint the parent. This book was an interesting perspective that may provide the relief for some but wasn’t what I was looking for. It was easy enough to read though that I finished it.
It did make me think that I don’t want to be that overbearing parent that stifles my son’s dreams or suffocates his progress so it was a warning of sorts on that.

[Christy Baker · Rating 2 out of 5]

The psychological theory that is the premise of this, that one can and often does find some benefits upon the death of a parent, is sound and well defended in this small volume. My only reasoning in giving it a 2-3 star rating is that this felt more like it could (should?) have been a long magazine or journal article rather than book length. Most of the book was focused on personal narrative of the author's own loss of her mother and/or the case studies she uses as examples in describing how individuals embrace change that they could not have undertaken as easily while their parents' were still alive. For me, these stories would have been far more useful in abbreviated form as examples of the practical self-help steps for reflection rather than as the bulk of the text. I found myself skimming over much of the book to garner the main ideas, which I do find useful as concept, but didn't find engaging enough to read straight through with depth. I will use the main reflection questions posed in my own process of personal writing and reflection.

[Rdpoll · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got throught this very quickly as I skipped a few parts that didn't interest me, but there were a few chapter that made me think not only of myself, but also of my mother and father's influence on my family. It also made me think about the relationship between my husband and his father as so many of the men in this book had a similar relationship with their fathers. Not neccesarily life changing so much as comforting at times.

[Betty Sweat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful

While searching online for something to help me understand my feelings towards my mothers death I stumbled across this book. I literally couldn't put it down it helped me so much and identified with a lot of people's stories in this book. If you had a troubled or flawed relationship with a parent and they have passed this will help you come to terms with you feelings.

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

My father’s death 1.5 months ago has left me feeling adrift and unsure of who I am as a person. The author’s recommendations sound helpful: to construct a narrative history of my father’s life to better understand him, and to do a Psychological Inventory to tease out the aspects of my father I’ve inherited (or not) and determine which I would like to keep (or cultivate) and which to leave behind.

I also found the case studies / stories from others comforting in their reassurance that people were able to process their feelings around their parent’s deaths, find purpose in life, and find ways to feel more connected to their parent after losing them (e.g. by learning about their parent’s culture, picking up their hobbies and interests, etc.).

Putting these ideas into practice is likely to take years, but for now I find the mindset in this book helpful (despite the sort of ghastly title).

[Lisa J Shultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author uses the term Deathspace to describe the place where an orphan is able to view things in different ways after a parent dies. She suggested taking a psychological inventory with four questions:

1. What did you get from your parent that you want to keep?
2. What did your parent have that you regret not getting?
3. What did you get from your parent that you want to discard?
4. What did you need that your parent couldn’t provide?

I found those questions to be valuable to get perspective after loss. I recommend the book even if you have not yet lost a parent. The potential growth and healing is worth it!

[W.L. Bolm · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a hard book to rate and review. I don't have much to say that other reviewers haven't already said.

I think that the case studies in this book can be extremely helpful if you're experiencing conflicted emotions after a parent dies. Some of the stories will help more than others.

I wish there was a clearer path through detailed in the book, but sometimes what you need isn't what you think you need, and sometimes answers aren't easy.

[Fred · Rating 4 out of 5]

The witty sassy title “Death Benefits” is incising. I shan’t forget it soon.

If you read only one chapter, make it Safer’s autobiographical “My Death Benefits.” (Sixteen of thirty Stickies stuck in chapter one.)

I’m involved in a complex and tumultuous negotiation with my adult daughter. Extracting my influencing from her adult family life is a veritable minefield I don’t want to navigate alone. Death Benefits offers much — particularly her concept of deathspace. (Hoping to win without loosing my life.)

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Was hoping to obtain guidance for processing the loss of both parents, who I miss. But this book is mainly for people who hated their parents and are looking to focus on a silver lining of "finally they're gone, I can be myself ". This would probably help many people who are glad to be out of abusive relationships, but didn't do much for me.

[Kim Tyo-Dickerson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gave me a lot to think about and start processing after my mom's death. It is a somewhat radical view for sure and not for everyone. But there are many truths to consider here.

[~mad · Rating 3 out of 5]

Right up my alley...studying on it.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some useful anecdotes, a little too tidy in some spots, overall a worthwhile read

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really interesting concept, I'm surprised that there isn't more literature about the subject.

[Claire]

Hmmmm, worth checkin' out.

[Denis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not as helpful as I had hoped. Couldn't relate to author.

[Sabrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful to move on with my life.

[Joe-Nathan]

Please read this if you lost someone you loved. Be open.