Pet Store

Spinetinglers #13

by M.T. Coffin

You won't find it on any map - but you'll know when you get there. You'll know you're in Woofburg when they put you in a cage - and a dog takes you for a walk on a leash. The dogs are in charge of Woofburg and you are there to serve them. You may get a job as Mrs. Shepherd's house pet, or Mr. Doberman's guard pet. But don't think you can run home - there are escaped humans roaming the land, and they've turned wild... and dangerous.

139 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1996

Reviews

[Alejandro Joseph · Rating 1 out of 5]

Damn, Pet Store was… heh… RUFF! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAokay, bad pun. I am thoroughly avoiding using a particular low-hanging fruit (dog shit) in this review, believe me. Pet Store is a notorious Spinetinglers volume for its absurd concept and rancid quality, and having read it now… I mean, I didn’t even have to read the thing to know it’d be best not touching it with a 39 ½ foot poll lmao. Pet Store is the worst pre-2000 kids horror book that I’ve read so far. Actual bottom-of-the-barrel slop that only defeats Dr. Shivers’ Carnival by a percentile thanks to, the first issue since I have basically no notable compliments, the terrible story basis alone. This was a terrible concept for a story and I’m shocked ts got published. It’s genuinely not even funny nor are the themes helping any, as those suck as well. The whole setting of the book is super underdeveloped and doesn’t make any logical sense at all, the story completely drags on and on and—here we go—the story structure sucks. The book has a rushed exposition, boring and far too narrow middle, a climax was bloated and (somehow) to early only because of the filler final two chapters, which honestly could’ve been cut down to a couple of pages and incorporated in the climax had it been handled better, yet it wasn’t so here we are. The ending feels rushed and like George Stanley (the author) didn’t even care to properly close the characters and the story, let alone give it a full fletched answer to anything that really happened in this story. It’s never explained how anything worked, when it could’ve helped the mid-portion of the book whilst being genuinely okay padding. But oh yeah, the story concept is already terrible so maybe it wouldn’t have. No matter: let’s dunk on the situation itself. I feel it’s overplayed and unbelievable how hard it’d actually be to not only escape a town RUN BY FUCKING CANINES, but there’s no genuinely established threat level outside of murmurs of a pound and the climax, which even then, it was basically too late. Seriously: just run. And I know the character didn’t (spoiler) want to leave their family nor the townsfolk, but honestly, it wouldn’t have taken that long to get your family on board and—oh, let’s just shut up, you get the gist. Retarded threat level and overplayed stakes. They’re fucking dogs; RUN. There’s also some other smaller things that bothered me like a very early established plot device that only comes into use in the second-to-last chapter, which is probably the dumbest protagonist moment of all time to not figure out what the fuck it was, alongside the reveal in the final chapter towards a somewhat separate half-threat. You have to believe it to read it, as it basically explains the origin of a famous cryptid. Utter brainrot shit here. The writing is stale but not the worst thing ever so there’s at least that going for this, the whole book is a submission fetish disguised as the plot of Season 2, Episode 9 “It’s a Cat’s World” from The Garfield Show which aired on December 11th, 2009 (when I was just under three months old) which canonically makes George Stanley a time traveler, and I think I’ve made my case. Overall, 1/10. Dawg… ts ain’t it. George Edward Stanley needs to get off the Mary Jane if this is the effect it has on him. If you change to title to two specific synonyms it practically spells out the themes for you: Slave Market. Cat Store when?

[Brandon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I just read what was possibly considered one of the worst Spinetinglers  books ever written. This is of course  Pet Store. The story starts off really ridiculous with Amber archer's dad going Bigfoot hunting. There's been sightings around his house for a long time and this is just a normal thing that they do.We quickly learn that Amber's dad just got offered another job in Wolfsburg via a letter. So they quickly pack up their stuff and put their house up for sale and move to Woofsburg.They arrived through the woods and  are quickly met at a gas station with a dog with a sign around his neck.The sign can translate to what he says to the humans. The dog fills up their gas and all this great stuff. It turns out that the dogs at Woofsburg are actually running the whole town and they can communicate with humans with electric signs ,because apparently the dogs learned how to understand human languages but we as humans didn't learn how to communicate with dogs.Yeah I know. This is only like chapter 2  by the way .We learned that the mom and dad of the family are going to stay with the Pinchers which is a full dog family and the two kids are going to be put in this thing called the Pet Store, where they can be bought by other dogs. At the pet store Amber meets this girl named Jessica who got put there because she ran away from home after her grandma died. Amber's mom and dad talked the owners of them into letting them get their kids and so Amber has to leave Jessica behind, but before she leaves Jessica gives her a dog whistle.She ends up  staying with the Pinchers but she's an outside human as well as a brother and her dad. Her mom however stays inside.This book is weird.Jessica ends up escaping from the pet store and ends up finding out where Amber lives, so they decide to dig a hole to plan on escape to get out of this place. But as the story progresses the family seems to be more brainwashed and wanting to stay. Their dad is barking at Intruders they're getting washed by these people and they're being fed human food and it's not really explained why they're being brainwashed and it's so easy to manipulate them. This just happens.We also learn that there are wild humans in the woods that are apparently kind of dangerous to this dog town and one of the scariest scenes in the book happens after they dig a hole ,one of the wild humans sneak up from inside the hole and enters the dog house that she's sleeping in.So now there is an invasion of wild humans. But that doesn't stop Amber. She is trying to escape and she's going to do whatever it takes.There's this human convention coming up and that's where Amber plans her grand escape. There's also human schools in this book where they learn how to sit and roll over which is ridiculous. I think there's a plot hole in this.There's probably more than I'm missing ,but the dogs can only communicate with signs and one of the dogs actually talk through a microphone. I'll admit I did enjoy the later half of this book ,but this sheer dense of believability in this book is what really made this book stand out for the wrong reason.Amber's the only one that had  sense .In this whole book everybody else is okay with what's going on for the most part.They just randomly decide to kind of band together towards the end .I give pet store 2 out of 5 stars.I did enjoy the Bigfoot tie in at the end too that was actually okay.

[Austin Smith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Worst Spinetinglers book. Avoid at all costs.

[Shiv (The Horrorlander) · Rating 1 out of 5]

Genuinely one of the stupidest kids horror plotlines of all time. A family moves to a new town after the father gets a security job, and they end up in a town called Woofsburg where: dogs wear teleprompters that let them talk to humans, walks humans on leashes, treat them like household pets in daily life, keep children in a pet store and have them attend doggie school + dog shows. The daughter has to find a way to escape town while her parents keep acting more and more like dogs on daily basis.

Whole plot is beyond dumb as the town is never explained why it is the way it is and what the intentions of these dogs even are...WHY THE F*CK DO THEY TALK AND RUN BUSINESSES?! The book has more padding that a mattress shop with dragging out the story through ridiculous antics and dog gags throughout the entire story. The parents in this book are actual neanderthals with how much they go along with any bullshit that happens in the town, accepting their fates and selling off their kids like some toddlers going to daycare. Not to mention, one of the most mind-numbing twists about Bigfoot...yes...I just said Bigfoot. This is the same author who wrote Billy Baker's Dog Won't Stay Buried which one of the best kids horror books ever made in my opinion, and also about dogs/pets.

2/10 Awful doggy doodoo garbagio

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was pretty good. It was interesting to see how the life of a dog would be and if the roles were reversed. I thought the plot wasn’t bad and it had a good ending, even tho it wasn’t a twist and I could’ve sworn it would’ve been. It definitely is a weird concept but it’s campy and one of those reads that are so outlandish that it helps you get your mind off real life. I’ll need to check out more spinetinglers

[Colton · Rating 2 out of 5]

It doesn't even take two pages before this book descends into lunacy.

"Well, where's Dad?" I demanded. "I insist on talking to him about this right now!"
"You can't, dear. He's out with the other men on Big Foot Patrol."

And with that, the author drags us through the rabbit hole where the dumbest father in all of literature quits his executive position to take a security job from a mail ad in a town hundreds of miles away that he's never heard of that doesn't appear on any maps. Well, this is the same man who apparently goes on nightly Bigfoot hunts.

When they arrive in this town, they quickly realize it is populated exclusively by dogs who communicate through electronic collars. These dogs have a fully functioning small-town-America-style society where they keep humans as pets. Also, there are "wild" humans that inhabit the surrounding forests. The main character and her family are split up, and most of the book concerns her trying to escape from her dog overlords. She eventually succeeds. Her and the rest of the escaped human pets then walk back to her hometown, which apparently was only a few miles away the whole time, contradicting the first chapter, where it clearly states Woofburg is 150 miles away. Yeah, the ending makes about as much sense as the rest of the book. Did I mention the town is named Woofburg? Because it is.

During my reading, I couldn't help but think that this might be one of the stupidest things I've ever read. There is no explanation as to how this town appeared, how it has not been discovered, how the dogs drive cars and live in buildings, and how this place causes humans to turn into submissive animals as if they were mind-controlled. Nothing makes any sense, so most of the time, it feels like you're wading through some strange fever dream.

This book is pure nonsense, which should be apparent from the summary and the cover, which features a Saint Bernard with human lips (!) holding a can of "people food." High literature, this is not. (Side note: this cover is actually drawn by Tim Jacobus of Goosebumps fame, clearly slumming for a paycheck.) I wouldn't say this is one of the better books of the series, but I doubt I'll read one that is nearly as strange as Pet Store. I don't think R.L. Stine did enough drugs to write anything this weird.

[The Gooseblock Bruce · Rating 1 out of 5]

Officially the worst book ive ever read. Somehow makes Blowtorch@psycho.com from the Bone Chillers series look not that bad…

The first book ive ever given a 0/10. NO redeeming qualities

[Heather]

Leaving this one unrated. I wanted to revisit a childhood favorite of mine. It's just as ridiculous as I remember, and I loved it so much.

[Mars R · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh god Little Margo loved this book. A world where dogs were in charge and people actually got to BE DOGS? Basically a dream come true. Best random-grocery-store-aisle-pressure-your-mom-into-buying-a-thing purchase EVER.