Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship: A Caretaker's Guide to Recovery, Empowerment, and Transformation

by Margalis Fjelstad

When a relationship with a narcissist ends, the caretaking partner is often left confused, deeply hurt, and often still emotionally connected, while the narcissist seems to easily move on to the next relationship. Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship offers guidance about what to expect as the relationship unravels and how to cope with the fallout. It also helps the reader learn to truly disengage and move through the grief process.Presenting techniques for healing and rebuilding self-esteem and self-confidence, this book offers a guide to developing emotional strength and encourages forgiveness and reconciliation with the past. It shows the reader how to increase emotional self-protections, quit caretaking in relationships, and become more independent and self-loving. Using real stories, Margalis Fjelstad offers a process of healing that can direct the reader away from former patterns of inequitable relationships and toward loving, caring connections that can truly grow healthfully and flourish. It shows that ending a relationship with a narcissist may be the best thing that ever happened.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Abuse, Audiobook

212 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 1, 2017

Reviews

[Claire Wrobel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t realize how much I needed this book until I read it. I wish I’d read it a year ago. It would’ve helped me heal a lot faster. I was saying “Yes, that’s me!” or “Yes, that’s exactly how it was!” after everything she said. It completely opened my eyes. I thought something was wrong with me for having trapped myself in a relationship with a narcissist, but now I know it wasn’t my fault. None of it was. I was doing the best I could, but I was dealing with someone who is mentally ill. I felt so validated and strong after reading this book. I am not alone.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good one. Found myself saying yes! This! Exactly that! And like my life had been described. Geared towards women but the general info was so spot on for anyone. Lots of helpful healing exercises and some tips for divorce.

[Sean Fishlock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was a really helpful read. Some really useful insights and tips.

What I really thought was distasteful was the gendered narrative. The bad person in the book is always the "he". Was willing to put this aside until the rant about men using the family courts to reduce their child support obligations and get a greater share of the property settlement. My experience has been quite the opposite. As a father who has fought for and lost 50/50 care and lost so that someone can live off my child support and lost the lions share of property to the family courts I'm deeply offended!

[Chloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is packed full of advice regarding falling in love, relationships, breakups, and toxic behaviors that are easy to overlook. The first half of the book describes these subtle and not subtle behaviors and second half describes how to heal, handle trauma and to rebuild identity and independence. It’s centered around relationships with narcissists, but the patterns of behavior are relevant to anyone who’s has a relationship with a narcissistic person, like a friend, sibling or parent. It was a brutal read, but really eye opening.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provides great techniques/strategies to heal from toxic relationships as well as how to avoid entering into unhealthy relationships in the future.

[Larissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’d love a more queer-inclusive update of this book, because the information in it is spot-on. Really good read! So eye-opening and affirming.

[Mark Valentine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely the best book I've read on narcissism, its signs, and its impact. Fjelstad's writing is direct, clear, without flourish, and practical. Also, she includes in several places related tasks that help clarify her directions in an applicable way. I read this slowly so as to absorb its message and I found it extremely helpful.

[Tina Panik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Immensely helpful and practical. The tips on emotional aikido (86-87) and the analogy about being a chair (30) are two of the most valuable parts of this book. Fjelstad's explanations will leave you with a better understanding of a narcissist's false self, its impacts, and how to cope.

[Niels Philbert · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is geared toward women coming out of a relationship. If you are able to see past the specific advice on that situation, there's a lot to take away for everybody wanting to understand narcissistic behaviour.

[Ashley Nichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook so I don’t have any of the great quotes from this book saved but it was like having a therapist hypnotize me out of all the turmoil of an unending relationship of drama and pain. First she told me my life. Word for word what was happening with my ex who maybe a narcissist or just a jerk. Then she told me myself. How I behave in ways I think are positive but they’re not asserting my needs or respecting the care of myself, feelings, or wants. Then recovery. Over and over she emphasizes there’s nothing you could have done to make the relationship better. It’s not your fault. I can’t tell you how much the repetition soothed me and kept me strong when my ex came back. Please listen to this book.

[Naomi Chu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book takes healing to a whole new level!

This book was well written and each chapter perfectly placed. A very easy read and interactive with the tasks it offers. Definitely would recommend this to book for anyone who is thinking or already left a toxic/unhealthy/narcissistic relationship. It met me where I was and at the end of the book made me feel reassured and confident about the direction I am heading in my life. It allowed me to Center myself and recalibrate my vision and intention on becoming a more WHOLE person, no longer attached or dependent on the narcissist i was in a relationship with.

[Tryon Hilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far and away the best book I've read on the subject. I wish I'd had it sooner! I guess things come into your life when you are ready for them. Most books about narcissism focus on narcissists (they'd be so delighted, if they knew!). Frankly, I'm sick to death of the disordered and why they are the way they are (it's simple: they have an "emotional disability" that is worse than devastating to the ones closest to them). What about how a non-narc ("caretaker") heals from the experience, and prevents it from ever happening again? Here, finally, is the cavalry. This book is sensitive, compassionate, and very helpful. Highly recommend to anyone who is fighting this fight.

[Miranda Bell · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was intended to be read by someone getting out of a romantic relationship or marriage with someone with narcissistic qualities. Also, it’s written from the perspective of a heterosexual relationship where the narcissist is a man and the person healing and getting out of the relationship is a woman. This book explores the dynamic between a narcissist and a caretaker.
I read this book to learn more about the narcissist and caretaker dynamic. I’ve found myself in unbalanced relationships across family, work, friends and was looking for information on healthy, balanced relationships in the future. This was somewhat helpful for that and a good starting place for more reading.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very validating. Definitely related to a lot of the examples provided. This book solely focuses on a romantic relationship with a narcissist. So it’s not as good as Dr. Ramani’s book It’s Not You which describes all kinds of narcs ie your boss, friend, or family.

The solution provided in this book was to leave the narc and focus on yourself/self love. But that’s not always possible if it’s your family or boss. Again Dr. Ramani’s book helps with that.

Though I did like the journal prompts/reflection questions and tasks/activities in this book.

[Kolleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the best book I have read about narcissism so far. I loved the first third of the book where the author really reviewed narcissism and the traits and things you can come to expect out of a narcissistic relationship, and out of leaving a narcissistic relationship. However, after that it turned into your typical self-help book about how to repair yourself after the loss of a relationship. Overall, a good read- and again, the best I've read so far on this topic.

[jamie koyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gonna change my life

Given this book as a gift from a co worker. Was with controlling man ....felt like written for me. Gave me courage and tools . Started book to empower me but last few chapters found out the guy moved in with a girl he met in rehab. I'm starting book again because I need it. Taken a week off work and having panic attacks etc... But book is life changer...get it!

[Ashley Proulx · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing read to aid in the tools of recovering from such an unhealthy relationship. I am keeping it and using it as a reference tool. There are many things about the hurt and deep seeds this type of relationship creates and Fjelstad works through many of the areas with a tactical approach.

[Anna Mosca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I did not hesitate to put 5 stars! This is a WOW book!! From the intro on it nails it down and leads you little by little to understand things that were just too confusing. It lifted the fog that was still lingering in me and definitely I gain a lot of strength and knowledge from reading this text. Grateful.

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one took me much longer to get through than I anticipated, needed some time away after I first started it. When I came back to the second half, I appreciated the tasks and reflection questions.
(And though it was true in my case, I wish she'd used gender neutral language when talking about the narcissist instead of it being he/him/his throughout)

[Bookwormsince81 · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a personal tale of how this particular author got out of their own unhealthy relationship but appeared to be a professional manual. Not evidence based and more advice don’t do what I did vibes. Not the best book I’ve read on this topic.

[Amra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kept me from going insane with self-doubt. The one-page introduction described my relationship so accurately and I finally had to accept that this was what happened to me. That was the hardest part of the entire process.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful, encouraging, inspiring for those recovering from an imbalanced relationship with a narcissist, who have been taken advantage of and are interested in reclaiming their own lives and selves.

[Oana · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very accurate description of a very common mental disorder and how to deal with it. I only wish there was a more profound take on other types of involvement with narcissists, beyond couples.

[Shannon · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author did not have the professional credentials to write on the subject matter.

[Rikki Mashburn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is spot on with everything I went through in a relationship with a Narcassist.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great resource for understanding and recovering from narcissistic abuse. Recommend.

[Maggie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Don’t worry. It’s not Luke! My former boss of 11.5 years was the definition of a narcissist. Trying to find ways to forgive him... this book didn’t really help.

[Lisa Winter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. It describes the narcissistic relationship, how both sides behave (narcissist and caregiver), and has great advice on overcoming the trauma.

[Miss M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, yes, yes!!! This is a must read! The resonation will sting (all over again), but feelings will be validated and bring in a breath of fresh, self-loving air.

[Joshua · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very good until she gets into New Age stuff at the end