The Heartfix: An Online Dating Diary

by Stella Grey

‘Shocking, tender and funny… as gripping as a thriller’ Miranda Sawyer

Mind-boggling, heart-rending and darkly comic, this is the full story for the first time, from the writer of the Guardian column Midlife Exwife…

When her husband fell in love with someone else, Stella Grey thought she’d be unhappy for the rest of her life. But then she realised that she needed to take her future in her own hands. She needed to meet someone wonderful, and find a heartfix for heartbreak.

So, she joined online dating sites and embarked on a mission. What followed were 693 days of encounters, on screen and in person: dates in cafés and over glasses of astringent red wine, short term relationships and awkward sex, but mostly there were phone calls and emails (many, many emails). Her journey was never dull, featuring marriage proposals, invitations to Tangier, badly timed food poisoning and much younger men – but was it ultimately successful?

Totally compulsive, painfully true and darkly comic, this is an unputdownable account of one woman’s search for love online.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

304 pages, Paperback

First published September 22, 2016

Reviews

[Dana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stella Grey is a fifty something divorcee who is ready to start dating again. Warily she ventures into online dating. This book chronicles her three year long experience. The premise caught my eye right away, I am always interested in books about online relationships and I was curious how online experiences differ by age.

However what I did not consider was how online experiences would differ by personality. Here is where I had a hard time relating to the author, and indeed in a book with a premise such as this it is important that the author be at least a little relatable and sympathetic. It was hard to “ be in her corner” when she came across as so many cliches that are found in online dating, and what many men are accused of labeling online women as...bitter, angry, snobby, obsessive.

I think a small amount of each of these is understandable considering her situation, especially in the beginning of her experience. But the large amount of these qualities tainted the story for me. It was hard to agree that every guy was a classless jerk when in all fairness she herself displayed a lot of unlikable qualities.

There were also a lot of contradictions, for example she complains about one line greetings from men but then she herself does it. She also complains about clinginess in an admirer even though earlier she had practically stalked a man and went on and on about how daily communication was important to her....Of course nobody is perfect, but I have never had much patience for hypocrites. 1.5/5

Buy, Borrow or Bin Verdict: Bin

Check out more of my reviews here



Note: I received this book for free in exchange for an honest review.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

After her husband left her in midlife, Stella Grey (not her real name) joined 14 dating websites and spent two years trying to find a new life partner. She narrated her adventures through a regular column for the Guardian. Although the follow-up book is amusing enough, I found her experiences to be repetitive by nature. Again and again she’d start up intense text or e-mail conversations with a man about her age and then realize that the connection didn’t last when they met in person. “It’s easy to fall for someone over email. What’s difficult is following through into life,” was one of the key lessons she learned.

And then there’s the more sordid stuff, the men who were only on these websites to get laid and propositioned her right off the bat for phone or Skype sex, sometimes by sending “dick pics.” It was so depressing to me to see the double standard at work here: it wasn’t unusual at all for men to judge women’s profiles purely on looks, with schlubby 50- or 60-year-olds targeting pretty 30-year-old gals. But woe to those women, like Grey, of a certain age (50) and a certain build (larger) who dared put themselves out there and hold out for a polite intellectual! “Hold fast to your pickiness,” she concludes. “It’s vital to trust your pickiness.”

I can see this appealing to people who have been part of the online dating scene at one time or another. For me, though, this was more of a cautionary tale to which I gave a “there but for the grace of God” sigh of relief.

[Netta · Rating 3 out of 5]

תיעוד בן שנתיים של מסעה המייסר, הלעיתים-משעשע, לעיתים מרתק, לעיתים מתיש של סטלה גריי (שם בדוי) למציאת בן זוג לסבב ב'.
בגיל חמישים, כשהיא מצוידת בפמיניזם, דעתנות, הומור מושחז, וקילוגרמים עודפים, גריי מחליטה למצוא את בן זוגה לחיים באתרי היכרויות, בהם היא מגלה, רוב הזכרים מחפשים צעירות חטובות ויפהפיות לסטוצים לא מחייבים, ונרתעים מכלבות מסרסות כמו גריי.
גריי חוטפת על ימין ועל שמאל. היא נענית באינספור התעלמויות, בהודעות מעליבות, בגסויות, בדיק-פיקס, וגם ההתכתבויות העמוקות שהיא מצליחה לפתח עם גברים מעטים מסתיימות במפלות צורבות.
גריי מתארת את חוויותיה בכישרון רב. לפעמים התיאורים כה סוחפים עד כי קשה להניח את הספר מהיד, ובפעמים אחרות הסיפורים חוזרים על עצמם עד כדי מיאוס ושעמום. העומס הרגשי יוצר מועקה גדולה, אשר מופג מפעם לפעם על ידי ההומור של גריי, התיאורים המשעשעים של הגברים, השיחות איתם, והדייטים הספורים אליהם גריי מצליחה להגיע.
צריך הרבה סבלנות ורצון טוב כדי לצלוח את הספר הזה, מאחר ולמרות החזות הקלילה והשטותניקית, מדובר בעיסוק אובססיבי בנושאים כבדים כמו בדידות, עצבות, משמעות החיים, חיבור בין אנשים, ניכור בעולם המודרני ועוד.

לב מקוון/סטלה גריי

[Morgan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is drawn out "diary" (VERY loosely holding to that definition) of the same author's journey into online dating published in The Guardian. I never read that column but from the title and brief blurb, I was expecting something humorous and maybe a "real life" Bridget Jones book. Unfortunately, this couldn't be further from the case. The author's approach to this book was almost as though online dating was some "new" thing that the audience has no experience with personally or with close friends. Am I supposed to be shocked that many middle-aged men on these sites are looking for the youngest, sexiest woman who will pay them any mind? Or that there are people looking to date around and not settle, or people looking only to hook up with random people, or people who email pictures of their body parts? And yet, she presents these annoyances (and more) with such disdain and surprise that it feels as though she assumes that she's the first to experience such things, to the point where she even comes up with her "rules" for the reader (all of which are roughly 15+ years too late). Then there's the repetition--ugh! So many men come and go and none are really memorable. Most of the author's most of the author's time is spent on the computer complaining to herself (the audience?) about the men who aren't responding to her, or obsessively pursuing men who have made it clear they're not into her. I never felt particularly sympathetic to her plight because quite frankly she comes across as a bit of an ass.
Maybe this worked out swimmingly as a short-form diary column in The Guardian, maybe it was hilarious. But this book drags painfully. It's not breaking new ground and frankly just isn't that interesting. What COULD have worked was alternating viewpoints with her and a male counterpart.

SPOILER AHEAD




What would have been great is if she and Edward wrote alternating chapters with their experiences online dating and their journey to find each other. Hell, probably anything would have been a better idea than what was actually written.

ARC provided by Net Galley.

[Sammie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Needy and unlikeable. Couldn’t finish the book and I hate not finishing books but I just couldn’t read anymore of this 😴

[Ellis · Rating 1 out of 5]

Irritating and over wordy. I'm sure it was better as an occasional newspaper column.

[Nurith Horak · Rating 3 out of 5]

An entertaining, painful and somtimes emotional book (all at the same time :)). The narrator can be annoying but she is also very easy to identify with. I really enjoyed looking at the dating world through the eyes of a woman at the age of fifty plus . She manages to give a technologically relevant and a feminist angle. Not one of the best books I read this year but I really enjoyed it, and I was able to finish it in short period of time just in a few days, despite being a busy working mom myself I guess i connected with the topic and the writing and i found in it a lot of myself in my 20's and 30's when i used to date using online dating sites :).

[Alyce Hunt · Rating 4 out of 5]

With so much discussion in the media regarding older women being invisible, it was very eye-opening to read a personal account of dating in the modern age from one of these women.
I didn't think I was going to enjoy 'The Heartfix' as much as I did, because I was a little apprehensive about it being written under a pseudonym. I feel as though the confessional, tell-all nature is dampened by the need to hide behind a new identity. However, I actually loved it.
Last year I read 'Confessions of a Tinderella' by Rosy Edwards but, while I liked it, I felt disconnected and didn't care all that much about the outcome. The opposite can be said for 'The Heartfix'. At times Stella comes across as snobbish - a description that she consistently challenges - but her unlucky search for love leaves you rooting for her, so when the book is getting towards the end you're hoping that every man she encounters will signal the end of her online dating experiment.
I'm 20 and have never used a dating website for dating (there was a brief foray on OK Cupid, where I made some great friends!), but I empathised with Stella's body worries and paranoia that perhaps there was no one out there for her. I'm vastly different to the narrator, so if I can relate to this book I think the majority of the female population will be able to as well. It wouldn't be bad if a few men picked it up too: they can use it as a "What not to do on dating websites" manual!

[Jay · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think a better title for this book would have been something like 'My Search for a Second Husband'. The 'narrator's' desperate, and at times, dismally sad, pursuit of a man to render her life meaningful, does nothing to encourage women who are seeking dates on-line. In fact, I think they would run for the hills after reading this!

'Stella Grey's' inability, or unwillingness, to see herself as an individual appears non-existent. She states -
'The world is full of couples and I wanted to be half of one of them'

'I was lonely...what else was I going to do - sit here festering, eating snacks
and watching Miss Maple re-runs'

Are these the only options for single women? apparently ..... To me, it appears that Grey has major co-dependency issues and as Dana (see above review) states 'it was hard to be in her corner when she comes across as bitter, angry, snobby and obsessive

My message to those considering on-line dating: Do Not Read This Book.

[Michelle Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so addictive and so raw. I followed the column all year and now I love the book. She has really been through a lot in her search and she was incredibly brave to keep going. It's a fun read, , but at the same time it has some serious themes, feminism, aging, sexuality, loneliness, the commodification of women as visual objects, in a way men aren't subject to, consent and lack of it, borderline abuse, the influence of porn on dating and sex, the need for a life companion. Its really like having a good friend to listen to, and if you feel bad about your own online dating experiences, this will make you feel less alone. You can also message her on Twitter and she tweets back. She has done a huge service for over 40s women out there in the war zone.

[Angela Mellor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would like to thank netgalley for this copy in exchange for an honest review.
Stella is on the hunt for a man and this book follows her real life quest on online dating sites, which I have to admit there seems a lot of but I suppose when you haven't had to look yourself you never know what's out there!!
This book seems to capture Stella's desperation and resilience well and my god does she have resilience. The book is a diary of her life whilst searching for her soul mate but documents the men who are there genuinely searching and the ones wanting to get off on a boob flash. This was a very honest account I thought of her feelings and has definately prepared me god forbid if I had to start online dating, as after reading this I don't actually think I'm cut out for it!!

[Natalie S · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very fun read, although I can see why people can have trouble reading this. The author is not the most likable of people, and it is written in a personal journal brain diarrhea kind of way. You definitely will not agree with a lot of the choices she makes. The best review i saw, that sums this book up is by Plum Sykes "a Bridget Jones for the internet age". Side note, you don't need to be over 50 to find enjoyment in this, but it does help if you've had experience online dating.

[June Tilbury · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very repetitive and predictable. Endlessly self pitying. Nothing learned from reading this except surprise that it got a column in The Guardian and was published. Let's hope she lives happily ever after.

[Iona Metcalfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a pleasure to read. It accurately sums up the obstacles that can be met when dating and it is reassuring to find out that it's not just you. Not only is it honest but it is entertaining, interesting, humorous and a pleasure to read throughout.

Thank you Stella Grey.

[Kriticos · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read but it drags on after a while... I was very into it in the beginning but somewhere around the moment she met Andrew I became disenchanted and finished the book out of obligation and curiosity rather than actual interest.

[Peter Foster · Rating 2 out of 5]

Preferred this as columns in the Guardian. Dragged out when in book form to be honest.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the most painful 'personal experience' books I've read in a long time despite it not being about being caught up in the middle of a famine, war, or natural disaster. It's so painful because every woman of a similar age to the protagonist 'Stella', every woman in a happy relationship must find herself thinking "There but for the grace of God, go I". I told my husband about 2/3 of the way through this that if he ever left me there was no way on earth that I would EVER dip my toe into the shark infested waters of 'online dating'.

Stella (not her real name, but lots of real experience) found herself divorced and lonely at 50 and thought she'd have a go at online dating. How bad could it be, she thought, everybody was doing it. How bad could it be? Truly terrible. It's fair to say she didn't always play the game in a very smart way, far too often the reader will shake their head and think "Ouch, you really didn't want to do THAT" but errors of judgement on her part set aside, I can only conclude that men aren't really from Mars - they're from the bottom of a stinking landfill site of depravity and bad manners. At least the men who inhabited her extensive online dating world where overly personal questions are an irritation, direct propositions a frequent short-cut, and so-called 'dick-pics' a regular 'gift'.

I recently reviewed another 'personal challenge' book - about a woman who gave up spending for a year - and had a moan that she didn't give enough of herself to the book. That can never be said about The Heartfix - Stella gives everything, and almost certainly more than the reader can handle at times. There are things that made me cringe, things that made me want to vomit, and things that made me think that if I found myself single, I'd get a dozen cats, a tabby-coloured wardrobe of tweeds (that don't show the cat hair too much) and give up on men completely.

I told my husband if he was gone, I'd become a 'mad cat lady'. He told me I already was one - but I guess that's OK so long as he's happy being a 'mad cat man'.

[Natasha Charles · Rating 2 out of 5]

Oh Stella Grey, two years online dating and hardly going on any actual dates! I couldn't believe, the writer squeezed out a whole book on dating while going on virtually no dates except imagining a guy in a coffee shop had the hots for her because he said Hi a few times.

A far more pacy and funny, dating memoir is 'The Extreme Dating Diaries of Isabelle Monroe'. But I would say that...

[Ellroy · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is nothing about this book that would give women any encouragement at all about plunging into the online dating pool, despite the writer urging women to 'just keep at it'. Her experiences serve more as a deterrent than anything else. The main problem I had with it was the writer's utterly manic obsession with nailing herself a man. Apparently, 'Stella Grey' had been dumped by her husband of 20 plus years - so instead of enjoying her new found freedom and perhaps discovering more about herself as an individual, she sees no other option but to head straight back into matrimony - nothing less will do. Is this all she had to aim for? And as far as being 'funny', which is how some other readers have described it - I saw most of her encounters as cringe-worthy. Dating can be about having some light hearted fun, perhaps even having a laugh and not assessing every single date as potential marriage material. No wonder it took her two years to find a 'suitable' husband!! Poor old Edward, hope he knows what he has to live up to.

[Marsha Coupé · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everything You Need to Know About Internet Dating (to keep going)

If you've reached mid-life and find yourself not part of a couple, chances are you will give internet dating a go. I'm on my third brutal year (with some big breaks in beween) and took tremendous comfort in Stella Grey's weekly Guardian column sharing her experiences. It was the first thing I read every Saturday morning and I still miss it. Fortunately, The HeartFix turns out to be even better than the column. For starters Stella's a superb storyteller and here she has room to spread out as she shares the rough-and-tumble life of an internet dater.

It's easy to feel you're the only one who is repeatedly snubbed; blocked for no apparent reason; sent uninspiring form letters; toyed with, insulted and lied to. But noooo, as Stella skillfully illustrates in The Heartfix, all of this nonsense is the price one pays on the potholed road to love. Because Stella never gives up, though sorely tempted, we too believe our next great love is only a click away.

Stella Grey is the Nora Ephron (When Harry Met Sally) of our time. If you're thinking about online dating, or are a serial internet dater like myself, or have given up finding the love of your life, this book will inspire you to keep going. It's witty, fun and keenly observant. And as every internet dater knows, that's everything we need to keep going.

[Charlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to admit that this book is not what I was expecting. Having met my partner online, I guess this is what drawn me to this book, which I thought was a chick-lit about online dating - this is nothing of the sort. To be honest, this is probably my fault for not reading the cover properly, where it says in black and white "an online dating diary".

Stella Grey, a 50 year old divorcee and columnist at the Guardian, wrote her experiences, good and bad, of online dating to try and find love. This book is more of a journey where you will follow Stella's doubts, impulses, and above all discoveries about this online world she's decided to explore in the search of a new partner. As every other quests, the path she chose is full of surprises (good and bad), disappointment but also self-discoveries.

As I've mentioned above, this book was not what I was expected. When I realised it was more of a diary than a chick-lit, I considered stopping, but her writing is just brilliant. Even if the story doesn't grip you (it didn't really for me at first, which quickly changed as I was making my way through the book), her writing will just keep you want to read more and more, until you've reached that last page. From laughter to sadness, Stella Grey will take you with her on that adventure of hers, in that quest of love everybody will embark upon at some point in their life.

[Justkeepreading · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley, Harper Collins U.K. 4th estate and Stella Grey for the opportunity to read this book for an honest review

Stella Grey writes an article called Midlife Exwife in the Guardian newspaper. Following her experiences of online dating. Stella Grey was married to her husband and love when he decides he want a divorce after he has fallen in love with someone else.

Stella's world comes crashing down around her but instead of taking it lying down. Stella picks herself up and puts herself out there on the world of online dating. Not only does Stella put herself out there for online dating but writes about it for her column in the Guardian newspaper. Then releases it all in a book.

For someone who hasn't needed to do this it was a real eye opener. I went along with Stella and was willing her on the whole time.

I really did enjoy this book as it took me into a place that I know nothing about. It was also funny with what happened on her dates and emails ect.

Thank you for letting me read this.

Happy reading everyone