Hold Me

Cyclone #2

by Courtney Milan

Jay na Thalang is a demanding, driven genius. He doesn’t know how to stop or even slow down. The instant he lays eyes on Maria Lopez, he knows that she is a sexy distraction he can’t afford. He’s done his best to keep her at arm’s length, and he’s succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.

Maria has always been cautious. Now that her once-tiny, apocalypse-centered blog is hitting the mainstream, she’s even more careful about preserving her online anonymity. She hasn’t sent so much as a picture to the commenter she’s interacted with for eighteen months—not even after emails, hour-long chats, and a friendship that is slowly turning into more. Maybe one day, they’ll meet and see what happens.

But unbeknownst to them both, Jay is Maria’s commenter. They’ve already met. They already hate each other. And two determined enemies are about to discover that they’ve been secretly falling in love…

Hold Me is the second book in the Cyclone series. It stands alone, but those who prefer to read in order may want to read Trade Me first.

The Cyclone Series Reading Order
Trade Me
Hold Me
Find Me
What Lies Between Me and You
Keep Me
Show Me

Genres: Romance, Contemporary, Contemporary Romance, LGBT, New Adult, Fiction, Queer

351 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 25, 2016

About the author

Courtney Milan writes books about carriages, corsets, and smartwatches. Her books have received starred reviews in Publishers Weekly, Library Journal, and Booklist. She is a New York Times and a USA Today Bestseller.

Courtney pens a weekly newsletter about tea, books, and basically anything and everything else. Sign up for it here: https://bit.ly/CourtneysTea

Before she started writing romance, Courtney got a graduate degree in theoretical physical chemistry from UC Berkeley. After that, just to shake things up, she went to law school at the University of Michigan and graduated summa cum laude. Then she did a handful of clerkships. She was a law professor for a while. She now writes full-time.

Courtney is represented by Kristin Nelson of the Nelson Literary Agency.

Reviews

[chan ☆ · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is a fantastic enemies to lovers story with a trans latina heroine & a chinese/thai american bisexual hero. and no, contrary to that top reviewer's feelings, that's not "too many diverse identities."

i adored the intersectionality of the characters in this story, both the main characters and the side characters. and i liked that there was a really nice balance of realness and optimism if that makes sense. denying that trans people face discrimination/trauma isn't something that i think books should do, but i like that while hard topics are dealt with... overall the story isn't solely focused on trauma. both characters need to learn to trust but it never felt overly heavy or overwrought. it's important for stories to exist for people of marginalized identities that don't solely focus on trauma.

i also really really appreciated that there wasn't an educational component of this book. not knocking books that do have it, but i enjoyed that our hero never had any questions about what it's like to be trans. it wasn't that jay didn't want to hear about maria's EXPERIENCES but she never had to educate him. which rocks.

i think what really made this book special to me was, like i said the overall realness of our characters balanced with that optimism. the story doesn't tie up with a neat little bow or a grand gesture at the end but you get the distinct feeling that both characters are growing and learning to trust and rely on each other.

while this is not the typical kind of romance i pick up (i like cheesy new adult stories with proposals and shit) i highly recommend it if you, like me, tend to stick to the same ole shit. this was refreshing, and i'm excited to pick up more from Courtney Milan in the future.

[Melanie (meltotheany) · Rating 4 out of 5]

1.) Trade Me ★★★

i loved this so much

Rep : Latinx trans woman MC, Chinese/Thai American bisexual MC (whose mother is Muslim & father is Buddhist)

Trigger and content warnings: anxiety, panic attacks, death of a sibling, suicide (ty, Alienor!)

Youtube | Instagram | Twitter | Blog | Spotify | Twitch

This was our June 2020 pick for the Dragons and Tea Book Club! 🐉☕

[Bibi · Rating 3 out of 5]

**Spoiler Alert**

Edit (05/23/2020): I've since had dialogues with members of the LGBT community who were offended by my insensitive comments and even though the original content of the review remains, I'd like to add that I heard and UNDERSTAND your complaints and would like to apologise for the hurt I inadvertently caused you. I'll do better.

Original review
My love for Courtney Milan is irrevocable. Her ability to incorporate math and science into the romance genre is simply genius.

I have read The Duchess War, The Heiress Effect, and The Countess Conspiracy and her characters, particularly the heroines, are never portrayed as anything but smart and I would be shocked to the point of clutching pearls if she ever wrote an insipid female character.

Hold Me was unlike any romance book I've read, with its underlying themes of racial diversity and inclusiveness. It really was a smorgasbord of race, religion, and gender issues. Jay, the male MC is Filipino, of Buddist and Muslim descent. Maria aka MCL, our female MC, is Latino from Catholic stock. So far so good.

The premise is not entirely groundbreaking, an online connection that translates to real life, regardless, I happily dove in. And for the first half of Hold Me, I was completely transfixed. The banter between our MCs was refreshing and cute and I cheered on as they went from online to real-life friends.

Midway through the story, we learn that Maria is Trans. As I said, Hold Me is a bold gesture from CM which must be commended, and if I wanted to be politically correct, I'd refrain from nitpicking.

But nitpick, I must.

My first angst is: "Why was Maria not Caucasian?" The way I see it, it seems rather convenient to cast Jay and Maria as ethnic minorities. I'm not saying it's bad, just convenient.

Additionally, I was puzzled by Jay's reaction once he realized Maria was transgender. I imagined a scenario with him bursting with curiosity. Had it been me, I would want to know EVERYTHING.
How long it took to complete the transformation particularly the sex reassignment surgery? When did Maria know she was a female trapped in a male body? You know, questions many of us would ask. But to completely avoid mentioning it even in the vaguest manner, made the rest of their story seem unbelievably superficial.

Very quickly I lost interest, and while Ms Milan attempted to reel me back, I'd shut down mentally and finished reading purely because I'd invested so many hours.

[Alienor ✘ French Frowner ✘ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to preface this review with this : marginalized readers, you are enough. Your existence is enough of a reason for you to be portrayed in any work of fiction. You are enough, damn it. I'm starting with this because I've made the mistake of reading reviews and I'm appalled that "Courtney Milan checks too many diversity boxes" (whatever that means) would be the extent of many people's first reaction to the wonderful diverse cast she offers us in Hold Me. I'm just... shaking my head, frowning, when I see that people don't realize that they're actively telling marginalized readers that stories representing them must have some kind of educational purpose to mean something. And that is fucked-up in so many ways, I can't even begin to express them.

Now for the book : Hold Me is a brilliant example of what I wish I'd find more often in romance novels, and takes the enemy-to-lovers trope to a whole new level, without it never being unbelievable but rather, gradual and splendidly executed.



▨ First of all, *opens mic* MARIA LOPEZ IS THE BEST AND THAT IS ALL. She's so fierce and complex, and I am in awe of her. I guess I just really really admire her. I want to be like her when I'm a grown up, actually, and who cares if she's younger than I am, right? Technicalities, etc. She's so courageous and brave, gorgeous and smart, and every time I picture her in my head she's standing on a table, the whole 6'2 of her shining, telling calmly but firmly the hypnotized assistance to fuck off because she is enough. Oh god I'm crying again. What is it with me. The fact is, Maria doesn't apologize for who she is, but that does not mean she never doubts or doesn't feel the weigh of her insecurities. She does, and that's what makes her so real and makes me want to hold her. I've seen readers being confused by the differences between her persona on the internet - Em, the apocalyptic scientist, and Actual Physicist's confident - and what she shows the world but... Excuse me? I mean I've talked about personal things in my reviews that even my family doesn't know about, so... of course I get it. I more than get it, actually : I love it. I adored the added complexity it created, for both main characters. I also strongly disagree with people who complain that her being a trans woman wasn't "enough of an issue" : why the fuck should it be? Maria Lopez is a Latinx trans woman, a badass and a fantastic character, and that's all you need to know. She's enough. The End.

▨ Hmm, so I adored Actual Physicist, but I'm not gonna lie, it took me a very very veryyyyy long time to warm up to Jay. I mean, the guy has so much misogyny to unpack and he's so... unaware of this fact, it pushed my buttons (and not the good ones).  The way he thought that he was one of the good guys  (because having women friends makes a feminist out of you, have you heard? Not) made him so predictable. At first. However, I loved how Maria called him on his shit and how he actually, you know, listened. Even if he took his sweet time, he evolved and became such a caring and adorable love interest, how could I hold a grudge? Moreover. Ugh. I am gonna make this review personal am I not. Look, I was a straight As student. Until I wasn't. Until I started skipping classes. Until I dropped college altogether. And the fact is, no matter the fact that I came back and graduated and fought to win a job I love, there's a part of me who will always stay stuck on the utter disappointment I was for my parents at the time. That shit doesn't go away. Plus I am a workaholic and I thank books every day because if I didn't have this passion? Dude. I'd be stuck on Pinterest looking at teaching stuff all day. So I guess I... related to Jay? In that sense? I know how hard it can be to let it go, and despite my initial doubts, I felt for him.



▨ Hold Me being a romance novel, I guess you expect me to ramble about Maria and Jay's chemistry and so on... But I will not, because strangely I don't think its most important strength lies here (even if yes, I did like them together a lot). On the contrary, what made me love this book has more to do with the way it tackles the issues of classism, of judging upon apparences, of prejudices, of complicated family relationships... So. Much. Win. Not to mention a very needed look at what it means for women to work in STEM in our sexist world that attributes a value on women depending on how they dress.

Courtney Milan deals with these issues in such a thoughtful and satisfying way, without never resorting to cheap cop-outs, and I love her for that.

That's why even though the romance itself was more a 4 stars for me (for personal reasons we can never really explain : we feel it, you know? Mostly I discovered that flirting with Math was not really my thing), Hold Me as a whole more than deserves a 5 stars rating. 

Rep : Latinx trans woman MC, Chinese/Thai American bisexual MC (whose mother is Muslim and father is Buddhist)

TW : anxiety, panic attacks, death of a sibling, suicide

For more of my reviews, please visit:

[XxTainaxX Curvy and Nerdy · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I respect all the time and energy that went into writing this well researched title, I am sad to say that this wasn't my cuppa. I felt like I was missing the point at times. The heroes, Maria and Jay, are extremely intelligent and while I expected it to have a nerdy vibe (I dig the nerdisms usually), I was utterly bored for a little over 50% of the book. Then as they figured out who the other was, it finally sparked my interest. After that it fluctuated between the good parts (when they were together) and the not so good (pretty much any time they weren't). The writing seems to prattle on about things that didn't really add value. If the story had been a little more focused on them as a unit, I would've been more engaged. I liked Maria as an individual, especially because she was unique with both brains and beauty. She was assertive and stood up for herself and others. I liked Jay AFTER he shed the @$$hole persona. I enjoy the author's HR titles but I would have to think a little more on whether I would continue this series or not. Safety: No others for either of them. H is bi. No rape or abuse.

ARC received in exchange for an honest review.

[Heather K (dentist in my spare time) · Rating 2 out of 5]

*2.5 stars*

Okay, I have a LOT of thoughts and feelings about this book.

Courtney Milan is one of my favorite authors, and I try to read everything that she writes. Hold Me was my first contemporary romance from her, and my lukewarm take on it was... unexpected. No, I shouldn't say that I feel lukewarm about it because I'm bursting with opinions! Honestly, this review is a little bit of expectations vs. reality, because I love Courtney Milan so much. I'm devastated that I didn't love this one.

Note: I'm going to review this book very honestly. My review may contain minor spoilers. This book contains a lot of sensitive material, and I will try and be supremely respectful of that.

First, I'll start off with the good aspects of the story. I really liked that Courtney Milan wrote something that we don't often see in romance. We have a SUPER diverse cast of characters, including a Latina female MC, a Chinese/Thai male MC with a Buddhist dad and a Muslim mom, and that is just the main characters. The supporting cast spans a huge range of POC, and that isn't even including the expanse of the sexuality spectrum that is represented. Also, we don't often see Asian men portrayed as "hot" in romance, which they absolutely are, so I was really happy about that.

I loved that the author also made a female MC in the sciences without representing her as the "typical geek." She is a girly girl, pretty and polished, but she can talk tech and numbers with the best of them. There was a lot of positive representation, and I appreciated that.

I also liked the banter between the two MCs in their texting relationship. It felt... natural, organic, and had some humor in a book that took itself very seriously. It was a welcome bit of lightness, and it was the only time that I felt any real chemistry between the MCs.

Now, onto my issues. I'll start with the romance, which was a stumbling block for me. I didn't like the relationship between the two MCs for the vast majority of the story. In fact, I struggled with their relationship throughout the whole book. Maria and Jay acted so bratty and childish with each other. I mean, come ON, people. These two were adults, out of their early 20s, and they were constantly at each other's throats. Their petty arguing bothered me, and I felt genuine animosity there, not something that could be overcome in an easy manner.

Much of their relationship development didn't happen face-to-face, and I thought that when they finally did get together, their online relationship didn't translate very well to real life. I also don't like when a lot of intimacy happens before the MCs are introduced to the readers, and Maria and Jay had been messaging for years. Their flirting and dynamic was already established, but the problem is that I didn't buy into it.

Aside from the romance itself, I had some other issues, ones that are a bit... sticky to go into. I want to say again, I'm a white, Jewish, cis-gendered girl, so I'm going to try to muddle through my feelings without being... wrong. Warning: I may ramble.


Now, I love diverse books, and I love that the author included lots of diversity in her story. However, I felt like some elements weren't explored enough.

For example, I was fascinated by Jay's mom being an observant Muslim Chinese woman married to a Thai Buddhist. Jay's mom wears a hijab, which is something I've only seen fairly religious people do. I was a very interested in how she ended up being married to a Buddhist and what Jay's religious affiliation was and why that element was included in the story.

Now, you can easily be a secular Muslim married to a non-Muslim (as a few of my friends are), but to be observant enough that you cover... that is another story. I'm by NO means an expert on the Muslim religion, but I equated it to a Jewish man wearing a kippah or a Jewish woman covering her hair. I can tell you from lots of first-hand experience that I don't know a single Jew at that religious level who would marry outside of their religion due to the fact that their religious beliefs play such a front-and-center role in their lives. I'm not saying that interfaith marriages at that level aren't possible, but it's rare from what I've seen and I was FACINATED by its inclusion in this story. It was a really interesting plot element, and I was eager to hear more about it, but it was sort of... dropped, with no discussion.

I also felt similarly about Jay's bisexuality. I love seeing a bisexual male MC in a M/F book. I LOVE IT. It is pretty common to see bi guys in M/M romance or M/M/F, but to see a bisexual MC in M/F is so rare that I have difficulty finding more than a couple to read (Butterfly Tattoo being my favorite of the bunch).

I sort of liked that Jay's bisexuality was treated as a non-issue, because it really should be. Bisexuality is normal and common! However, at the same time, I had some sticky issues with it too.

I've seen some reviews where people are saying that Jay must only be okay with Maria being trans because he is bisexual. NO. I'm sooooo not okay with that line of reasoning. Maria is a WOMAN, and if Jay was 100% straight he should be interested in her because she is female. I'm pretty sure Courtney Milan didn't make Jay bisexual to, I don't know, smooth the way to the relationship or something, but I hate that some people can justify it that way. I sort of wish Jay was portrayed as totally straight because of this. I also wish there was more internal dialogue about Jay's sexuality, more discussion, more insight. It felt sort of pushed out there and then ignored.


I've loved when Courtney Milan has included some diverse side characters in the past, especially in her historical romance, The Heiress Effect, with the romance between an Indian man and a Caucasian lady. I felt like that story was beautifully told, and even though it didn't have a ton of page time, it made the book 4.5-stars for me. I was expecting greatness with this one too.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this story, and I don't think this is Courtney Milan's best work. For me, the romance was too forced-feeling and the pace was too slow, something I usually have NO issue with in Courtney Milan's stories. I really wanted to love this one because of the level of positive representation and the amount of diversity, but I was honestly underwhelmed. I'm so sad about that, because I really and truly love Courtney Milan.

*Copy provided in exchange for an honest review*

[Riley · Rating 4 out of 5]

the enemies to lovers in this was so good!!
I also loved all the representation. The main character is a mexican american trans woman and her love interest is thai & chinese (also queer, it's stated that he was in relationships with both men and women)

the plot in the was so fun! I loved seeing how they connected so well anonymously online, but in real life hated each others guts. it definietly gave me You've Got Mail vibes

[Baba]

I so want to read this book because the heroine is transgender. *grabby hands*

[Whitney Atkinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seeing Courtney Milan's list of books in the back of this one was the only buoy I had against the sadness of finishing this. I LOVE the messages in Courtney Milan books, and this was no exception.

Before I sing its praises, I want to note a few things that aren't my favorite:
1. The character dialogue often was unrealistic and cheesy. It ranged from small things like the main character calling her brother "little brother" through text messages (??? which i hate. i don't text my older sister like "hi older sister" lol), to larger things like the main character's parents making jokes and speaking and sticking their tongues out like they're 12. A lot of this dialogue was great, but there were moments like the aforementioned that made me cringe.
2. Some scenes dragged on and on and didn't add new information to the book. Mainly, I didn't care about the side characters, so when Maria interacted with them, I was less interested.

But the things I loved:
1. This is an enemies to lovers book unlike any I've read before. The guy starts out genuinely horrible. I remember considering DNFing this book because the guy's attitude toward women was so gross, but I'm glad I stuck through it. The main character calls him out on his bullshit and he goes through an entire journey of apologizing and being a better person, which rocked. Usually, male love interests are misogynists and don't change throughout the book, or else they're born perfect feminists and the entire book highlights that. I appreciate how this book shows you have to learn from your mistakes and it's possible to check your ego and do so.
2. Maria is a fabulous, strong main character. Her assurance in herself and the outward facade of confidence was so relatable, and I loved how her inner journey focused on fostering an inner confidence to match. It was so realistic for me and I admire how her strength also made the characters' interactions super mature.
3. The writing of this is gorgeous in places. The idea that these two people are more comfortable knowing each other online rather than in real life was SOOOOO relatable so I loved that part. The writing of that conflict was spot-on and this book had so many beautiful moments of inner reflection for both characters.
4. Most obviously, the inclusivity of this story is massive. Trans mexican main character, Thai/Chinese bisexual love interest, Chinese side characters, gender non-conforming side character. It was awesome.

Highly recommend this and other books from Courtney Milan. I'm stoked to keep reading this series and see what else is in store.

[Brittni Kristine · Rating 2 out of 5]

No chemistry and no plot. Definitely do not recommend

[SmartBitches · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full review at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Hold Me is both very ambitious and very uneven. We here at the Bitchery are unabashed Courtney Milan fans, to the point where I cannot possibly read a Milan book without both bias in its favor and very high expectations. As with all Milan books, I squeed repeatedly while reading, but the overall reading experience was not as enjoyable as I hoped it would be.

I love the inclusivity of the book. It incorporates characters of different ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, and classes. Much of the book takes place at University of California, Berkeley, which is where I got my Masters, and I can state from experience that if the book had not included this level of inclusivity it would have been ridiculously unrealistic. Maria is Latina, Jay is Chinese and Thai, and many of the supporting characters are non-white as well. Maria is a transgender woman, and the story avoids fetishizing her or reducing her to a coming out story. She does have a coming out story and some trauma associated with this story, but her being transgender isn’t the sum of her character — she’s into shoes, she’s into math, she’s smart, she loves her brother, she likes soup, etc.

There is SO MUCH GEEKERY in this book. I love that Actual Physicist and Em flirt using math. I loved the glow in the dark shark (named ‘Lisa’) that Maria’s ex-roommate kept in a tank in their apartment (very small shark, very big tank). I loved the reference to Douglas Adams. As an urban Californian, I also loved the reference to the fact that you can get soup here from four different ethnicities within a two-block radius.

The only part of the book that I didn’t like was the actual romance, largely because Jay was so triggery for me. Actual Physicist and Em’s messages back and forth often felt fake to me, like they had been practiced and rehearsed (which, to be fair, is in fact the kind of thing you can do with a written message). I felt like I was reading things that people wish they had said, not actual dialogue. When they are together in person, they unleash their worst qualities, especially Jay.

Jay has three personalities in the book and I didn’t believe in any of them. His “in person with Maria” personality is so obnoxious that I find it hard to believe that that anyone associates with him. Actually, not many people do, which he thinks is because they move away or are too busy. Maybe they just hate the guy. I certainly do.

There were so many things about this book that I loved. I loved the shark and Maria’s explanation for why she didn’t love it all. I loved the science stuff. I loved the constant tension between people who had been raised with a lot of money and those who hadn’t, and the tension between introverts and extroverts. I loved the relationship between Jay’s parents and I loved how Maria’s Catholic Latina grandmother breaks stereotypes about Catholic Latina grandmothers. The sex scenes are great examples of how consent, particularly explicit consent, can be incredibly erotic. Not to mention math. If they had convinced me in high school that math could be sexy maybe I would have stayed awake in class more often.

I always have to grade Courtney Milan books with a standard letter grade, and I’m giving this a B- compared to the romances I have read because the writing, the side characters, Maria, the sex, and the shark are all pretty amazing. But on our very special puppy cannon scale, which we reserve for Courtney Milan books, I’m only giving it one out of ten puppies – the puppy cannon is very demanding.

- Carrie S.

[Jacob Proffitt · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really, really want to coward out of reviewing this one like I did the first in the series. I'm a fan of Courtney Milan and like how she isn't afraid to dial things up in her stories. With this book, she not only goes contemporary, but her characters could easily be molded into progressive icons with all the diversity in play (both racial and sexual). Jay is Asian and bisexual. Maria is Hispanic and transgendered. Add some personal trauma to both (spiritual and emotional traumas) and you have what could easily have been not so much an issue book as a flat-out drama fest.

Fortunately, Milan does what she does best by making the story about characters who hold together well and represent themselves more than they do some external identity. Jay isn't Asian or bisexual so much as he is a guy trying to stay ahead of his success (convinced it can't continue), driven by a need to prove himself and suffering from an estrangement with his family he's hesitant to explore (and thus unable to resolve). Maria isn't Hispanic or transgendered so much as she is a girl trying to find people she can trust and carve out time to figure out what risks she can afford to take with her future with regards to doing what she loves vs. doing what she knows will be lucrative. I enjoyed both of them immensely and really felt for their attempts to come together and forge a relationship with trust as its foundation—something both needed desperately.

And I really like that Milan chose to forgo the easy plot devices and dodged the temptations to farce. The setup with hidden identities almost begs for relationship game-playing and I was relieved to see that subverted, here. I liked how they overcame communication and trust issues with honest effort and risking themselves emotionally to do so.

Having two characters start out so far in the emotional hole did tend to drag the story down for me, though. They both have some serious things to overcome and while I loved seeing them working it out together and learn to understand one another, it did make for a story without many emotional high points. Yeah, they come together, but even as they do, at least one of them is looking for the other shoe to drop. That negativity made it hard for me to engage quite as deeply as I did with the first book with Blake and Tina. It was never so bad that I wanted to stop and I was engaged throughout. But I was pretty relieved when they finally figured things out and I could unclench and just be happy they'd found each other. It's still a four-star read, mind. I just could have used some lighter notes in that melody.

A note about other reviews: I admit I was surprised on seeing some of the other reviews after I'd finished the book. A lot of the "top" reviews are pretty down on the book and it looks like the common theme of those reviews is that it isn't progressive enough. They each have something different they wish Milan had done "better", but it sounds more than a little like personal hobby-horses to me. I find that sad because I thought Milan has done a fantastic job making a satisfying story about people who fall in love. But then, I don't have a personal hobby-horse to ride in that parade.

A note about Steamy: There are two explicit sex scenes and that puts this in the (low) middle of my steam tolerance. I admit that I wondered if being transgendered would make a difference, but it seems to have worked out about how you'd expect.

[Wendy'sThoughts · Rating 3 out of 5]

4 Complexity Stars
* * * 1/2 Spoiler Free
Leave it to Courtney Milan to write a romance of this complexity...She has the insight and ability; she has a cover which makes you wonder about him...and now there is more.....

Eighteen months ago, Maria Lopez felt an unexpected spark with Jay, a hot, tattooed, motorcycle-riding bad boy who checked off every item on her fantasy list. But “too good to be true” never ends well. So when he asked for her number, she walked away.

When she runs into him again, she discovers that Jay is a different kind of trouble than she’s imagined. He’s a demanding, driven genius, and once he’s set his sights on something, he does not give up. Now that their paths have crossed once more, he’s not going to let her get away until he knows exactly what’s on her fantasy list…and he figures out how to make her embrace it.

Hold Me is about Maria Lopez (Tina’s best friend from Trade Me) and Jay Thalang (not appearing anywhere yet but here are three things about him that you might want to know: 1. He has tattoos. 2. He plays with lasers for a living. And 3. He has a Pinterest page where he pins pictures of people gratuitously eating sandwiches in public.)

Eventually, this book will have a cover. But first, I have to have a cover shoot, because there are no stock photos available that depict a tattooed man who could pass as Jay Thalang, who pins pictures of people gratuitously eating sandwiches in public.

Trade Me (Cyclone, #1)
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Hold Me (Cyclone, #2)
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
The Year of the Crocodile (Cyclone, #2.5)
Find Me (Cyclone, #3)
What Lies Between Me and You (Cyclone, #3.5)
Keep Me (Cyclone, #4)
Show Me (Cyclone, #5)

For more Reviews, Free E-books and Giveaways

[mina reads™️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

[Jade · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reread: 2017
I still feel the same way I felt when I read it the first time! But I have been reading other people's reviews, and I've been seeing a lot of people saying that they felt like there was"too much diversity". And to that I say fuck off. I'm sorry we are force fed this false narrative that white, straight, and cis are the norm but that's just not true. We are a multitude of identities and I think it is amazing to see as many as we can portrayed in as many mediums as we can.

Some people said that they had a problem because an identity (whether it was race, religion, orientation, or gender) was just thrown in and not fully discussed, but do you see straight or cisgender characters having to fully explain their identities? Do you expect them to talk about their identity or for it to be announced?--How they knew they were straight and came out as straight

Unless it was stated that it was a major part of the plot, why would you expect the opposite to be true for other identities? Because they are "other" and different, so you feel the need for that to be a plot point instead of just accepting it as a part of a character/person?


Originally read:
3.5 - 4 stars
I really enjoyed this one, but wasn't a fan of the childish almost caricature portrayal of Jay and Maria's fights/arguments when they just met. But I think that the things I really liked outweighed the things that I didn't, so rounding this rating up.

I loveeed that more than half of the characters aren't white, and that they were shown as being intelligent and thriving. It's very hard as a person of color to see yourself portrayed in novels, as anything other than the sidekick friend or some lame stereotypical background character. So being able to see Maria as an incredibly smart and gorgeous Latina was awesome, especially since she was a main character! Also, a big applause for Jay not being het! I love to see authors step back from the heteronormative narrative and acknowledge that there are many of us who do not identify as straight.

I found it really rad that Maria called Jay out on his sexism, and made him reevaluate his prejudices against women who did not fit his schema of what a "female scientist" should look like. Not only do I appreciate that this was brought up, but I loved that he had to work through his flawed system and thoughts. It wasn't just brushed off that he made a mistake and would do better next time, he actually sat with it for a multiple days and realized that it was a huge issue he needed to change.

" "I don’t think women are stupid per se; I reserve that judgment only for the women that engage in overt displays of socially constructed femininity” is an inherently wrong belief. It wasn’t a one-time mistake or an accident that I applied it to her.
It was a fundamental flaw.
...
This realization takes a few days to sink in, for me to really understand it. I wasn’t just wrong or mistaken. I apparently have the notion, rooted deep in my subconscious, that women who look nice aren’t real."
...
We could have been friends and instead, I hurt her. I have an image of the
person I want to be, and this is not him.



To me the best apology is acceptance that you fucked up and changed behavior, and that is why I don't hate Jay. Because Jay was shown that his ideas were hurtful and a major problem, he realized that his beliefs/ideology needed to change. That's what I want in a character, one who takes accountability for their actions and actively tries to change.

I absolutely loved that things such as mansplaining, issues for women in STEM, and the act of men relying on female labor to absolve them of their sexist mistakes were brought up. These are issues that I talk about with my friends, that are experienced in real life, but are usually never really brought up in books. It was good to see these topics being tackled in such a smart way.

Overall I really adored this book. I loved seeing/reading about real people. Also, all of the representation in this book was pretty epic--gender, race, sexuality. Especially since a lot of the representation was based on the main characters, Maria being Latina and trans and Jay being Thai/Chinese and not straight (And can I say that I am in love with how his sexuality is identified: "My sexuality has always been people who aren’t afraid of differential equations.")

[Sherwood Smith]

Here’s the thing. Historical romances with ‘history lite’ settings and mostly-modern heroines who are there for the awesome gowns, the glittering dukes, the castles and tonnish life, are A-okay. Readers like them, I think, in the same way it’s fun to cosplay historical clothes and settings without having to deal with the baggage of reality.

My problem is, I pretty much can’t read these because I have been reading history for over fifty years, so the finessing of language and customs, etc, keep poking me out of the story. Also, when the narrative tone zigzags between eighteenth century and Victorian by way of modern, it can have a fuzzy effect.

That has been my experience with the two Courtney Milan historicals I tried. I loved the humor, but kept wishing that the trappings would be less out-of-focus historical and more full-on contemporary.

Well, I got what I wished for with the first of her Cyclone series, Trade Me, which I thought was awesome, and I liked this one just as well.

Milan tackles a whole lot of issues with this book—ethnicities, transgender, bisexuality, religions—but doesn’t make it an Issue Book. These aspects are all part of the story, which is really about anger.

And not the relatively easy Romancelandia anger of being dumped by a conveniently sleazoid ex, so that H and H can get over it by finding their One True. No, this is the deep, horrific anger of grief and betrayal.

In fact, I might issue a warning here for parents who are expecting a funny, relaxing romance the grief results from a child committing suicide after being goaded into it. The betrayal is not much easier to take a transgender child is kicked out of her home at age twelve by her parents.

The storyline, basically, is a twist on battle of the sexes: Jay and Maria know one another online by their usernames, and conduct a two year friendship that keeps skirting romance, except that neither is ready for romance. And when they meet in person, it’s hate at first sight.

The story crackles with anger, told with wit in a vivid emotional roller coaster, and to top that, oh wow, Milan manages to make math sexy. Ditto science. You believe in these science nerds because they talk science and math at each other, and resonate on levels that only other science/math nerds pick up. That’s brilliant writing.

Attraction for these two damaged people is easier to deal with than the boundaries of trust, almost impossibly thick with the scars of those terrible betrayals. The first half of the story held me breathless wondering when, and how, they were going to twig to their identities. The fact that they couldn’t even talk to each other when they first discovered who the other was, but had to text each other though they were in the same room, was perfect.The second half held me equally riveted in learning how they would negotiate these boundaries.

There were a couple places I thought the story finessed certain aspects, contrasting with how deep it goes in other places. Like the scars of heavy gender correction surgery seem to be magicked into nothingness. But those were minor. Mostly I kept thinking brava, brava! I really look forward to the next in this series.


Copy provided by NetGalley

[Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5 Sterne (= fast perfekt)

Zum Dahinschmelzen und Mitkribbeln, mit leicht abruptem Ende.

[Fadwa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full review originally posted on my blog: Word Wonders

Content warnings: Mentions of past transmisia, anxiety, panic attacks.

I’ve been dying to read this book ever since I finished the first one, Trade Me, 3 months ago, 3 MONTHS. So imagine how excited I was when I finally could pick it up and read it, especially how much good I’d heard about it from my friends. And it blew me away. Seriously. I am now ruined for any and all romance books til the end of times because of how good this one was, it’s now my favourite romance books of all times and lord knows how many of those I’ve read in my lifetime.

Hold Me is so beautifully written, even more than the previous one and I had already adored it in that one. It’s gorgeous, flows smoothly and has so many quotable bits (that might also be because I related a lot with the content). Also, it was so emotionally charged, every doubt, every fear seeped through it and into my bones. It’s written from the two MCs POVs and although the two felt similar, they were easily distinguishable. The only thing that made them similar was how filled with doubt they both were. Their voices were very different.

Their relationship is my favourite to ever exist. Ever. IT’S SO SLOW BURN. And those are my favourite kind especially when as well executed as it is here. Their cautioness and hesitation throughout most of the novel -for good reason- killed me, it made me root for them so much and I just wanted to protect them and make everything right for them and between them. Saying this is Hate to Love is overly simplistic in my opinion because it’s way more complex than that and that’s what makes it work so well. Jay and Maria are basically in love online but hate each other IRL and seeing how that plays out before AND after they find out the truth was highly entertaining.

What I love about Hold Me (and Milan’s books in general) is that they go beyond the romance, she crafts a wholesome story that makes the immersion so easy. Not only by involving friends, families, job and career struggles, etc… but also by making the characters’ reactions to what happens true to what would happen in real life. For example, when they first realized who they were, the way everything went down was 1/ Not how I expected it would happen (as it was completely random) and 2/ Complicated, which made it all the more realistic.
Once things kick up though, the two of them are the most precious couple ever, there’s sexy flirting sweet flirting and also…. NERDY FLIRTING!!! How cool is that? They use science to lfirt with each other and those moments are such a highlight in this book.

Maria is honestly the greatest. She’s a Mexican-American trans woman. She is so kickass and doesn’t take shit from anybody and stands up for herself, what she believes in. She’s also funny, sassy and loves to push Jay’s buttons (and he deserved every bit of it). Her love and trust issues were all too real considering how much she’s been through in her life and seeing her work through them and try to overcome them was such a raw arc. Maria also has anxiety which she thought she was doing well with but not anymore and how she handled that was great as well.

Jay was the greatest asshole I’ve ever has the pleasure to read about, I absolutely hated his guts at first and was sure Nothing could change that for me. I WAS WRONG. By the end of the book, he had won me over completely. He’s Vietnamese-Chinese American and bisexual, with a buddhist father and a muslim mother. He start off being the most sexist towards Maria, passing unwarranted judgements because of “past issues”. And Yikes. But when he realizes his mistakes and works towards unpacking everything and doing better, he turns into such a soft, patient guy. He gives Maria all the space she needs, never pushes her no matter how hard that was on his on insecurities. And I really appreciated that.

Aside from these two, I loved both motherly figures in their lives. Maria’s grandmother is such a strong woman and I felt like her and Maria were similar in many ways, I loved how protective of her she was and how much she genuinely loved her. Jay’s mom is another hella strong woman (do you see a pattern?) she breaks every stereotype muslim women are subject to and has an imposing borderline intimidating personality.

I think that will be it for this review. I rambled a lot and I’m not even sorry for it. This book deserves all the love in the world and I NEED YOU ALL TO READ IT. The next book isn’t published yet and *cries* I need it desperately because it goes back to following Tina and Blake (from book one).

[Veronique · Rating 4 out of 5]

After much waiting, I finally got my hands on the sequel of Trade Me.

My first thought was regarding Maria's portrayal. Would Milan treat her in a different way to her other heroines? The answer is no. Her trans background is exactly that, background, and she is not defined by it, which I really liked, nor is Jay by his bi-sexuality. That is so refreshing! No, the issue here is the assumed correlation between appearance and intelligence.

Milan is excellent at characterisation, creating interesting and complex protagonists that develop and just leap off the page. In that, she reminds me a little of Rainbow Rowell who is also brilliant at it. With both these authors, I find myself unable to stop reading after the first page!

The cast of Hold Me doesn't disappoint, and we even get snippets of Tina, Blake, and his dad. Maria is a fun character and I enjoyed witnessing her relationships with her brother, gran (!!) and friends. And of course her 'battles' with Jay. Their virtual relationship was particularly good. There is something about communicating by text that is fascinating. Somehow, not seeing each other allows people to talk more freely, more truly - and has been used in many books and indeed films.

So, a fun and entertaining read that is not devoid of intelligence :0)

[E · Rating 5 out of 5]

So I've been in a book slump for about a year and Courtney Milan's Hold Me has managed to finally get me out of it. I'm over here grinning like a loon because this book has made me super happy.

There was nerdery galore, unstereotypical POCs, sarcasm and snark... just all kinds of the things that made this book a delight to read.

I'll be back soon with a better review.

[vee]

in no slump world, a 3 stars read

”You’re beautiful.”
I make a noise.
“No,” he says. “That’s not the right word. ‘Striking’ was what I thought the first time I saw you. There’s something utterly compelling about you. I can’t look away. And that’s what it feels like at a distance.”
“And up close?”
“You’re made of the stuff that binds the universe together.”
“Thanks, Actual Physicist.” I exhale. “Isn’t everyone?”
He shrugs. “Sure. But I only notice it with you.”

Maria and Jay hated each other the first time they met. (the usual judgmental & attracted crap) little did they know that the other person’s actually the person that they’ve been chatting for months now. and they liked each other on those anonymous conversation chats, known each other as Em and Actual Physicist. that’s the plot.

honestly i prefer the time where we get them interacting w/ each other in real life bcs i just loved their hilarious hate-esque banters. and i found the texting scenes boring. so i skimmed em. THEY FLIRT ON MATH, SCIENCE AND STATISTICS Y’ALL IF I KEPT READING I’LL JUST FEEL MORE DUMB THAN I ALREADY AM

i liked Maria (gotta read w context tho to get it) :

”Let me help you hate me,” she says in a low, silky voice. “I also read romance novels. I watched every part of Twilight in the theater even though I was Team Jacob. If you think that girly-girl is an insult to me, you’re wrong. I am a girl, and I am proud of it.”

to sum it up, objectively good. fantastic representations, i prefer the enemies part in comparison to whatever it is their relationship later on, and i liked some parts. but overall it didnt really made me feel anything. i’m very interested on angie’s story. with her alligators and baby shark pets (or not. she said they’re for an experiment or smth)

[v]

I can't bring myself to rate this book for several reasons.

1. It was so gassed up, I was SO FREAKING HYPED FOR THIS RELEASE, and the fact that its release date was pushed back so many times was so FRUSTRATING but oddly enough, also TANTALIZING??!??!
2. THE DIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLESS THE DIVERSITY (and the openmindedness ... OH AND THE TACT, topics were RESPECTFULLY approached).

... OK wait by several reasons I just mean two reasons, I guess?

Basically, I'm not rating this because I thought it was boring, and I'm convinced there's something wrong with me, which was why I found it boring, and therefore I will not poorly rate this book when I am at fault for NOT HAVING THE TIME TO GIVE THIS BOOK ANOTHER CHANCE.

[K · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a delight--funny, sweet, emotional, and heartfelt in turns. I adored Maria as a heroine: she's unapologetically feminine, smart, and vulnerable. As a hero, Jay is a serious ass at the beginning, and I was worried I wouldn't be able to come around to him as the love interest. It's difficult for me to forgive a hero who is genuinely mean in an enemies-to-lovers romance and I did feel like Jay crossed that line more than once. What makes a big difference is his willingness to openly unpack, acknolwedge, and apologize for his behavior (which feels like a rarity in a lot of enemies-to-lovers stories). I do love a good devoted hero and Jay manages to cross into that territory by the end, which is no less than what Maria absolutely deserves.

[Romie · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book had so much heart. I loved seeing Jay and Maria's relationship develop from hate-at-first-sight to maybe-you're-my-enough. I also loved how queer and diverse this book was while being a m/f romance, because Maria is a trans latinx woman, and Jay is half-Thai/Chinese and bisexual, and just yes to normalising queer people being in a m/f relationship, JUST YES.
Jay and Maria have such a deep trust in the other, Jay understands Maria and her insecurities and he just trusts her and has faith in her *heart eyes* it was so good! (4.5)

[Robyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly, this is just what romance novels should be. I loved this one, especially the way our characters came together after gradually falling for each other online. (Well, I would, since that's how I met my husband. Coincidentally read this on our wedding anniversary which gave me all the warm fuzzies.)

[majo · Rating 4 out of 5]

The hate-to-love in this book was amazing.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I probably trust Courtney Milan more so than any other author I follow. And yet, the beginning of Hold Me left me feeling quite uneasy. The bulk of my concern centered on the very sexist comments spoken and/or thoughts by the hero of the heroine and how the hell I was going to reconcile my decidedly bad first impression of Jay with the idea of him ultimately ending up with Maria. It seemed an impossible task. Then, Maria and Jay exchange a series of messages, as their online counterparts Em and A., and this quote happened:

“There was a point in my life where I really needed to hear these words: You are enough, just as you are. So I’m going to say them to you. You are enough, just as you are.”

Now I don’t know if I needed to hear those words just as much as Jay did in that moment, but I completely broke down into tears. We’re talking full blown sobbing. I terrified my dog quite badly, poor thing. Very rarely do I have that kind of a visceral reaction to a line in a book so when it does happen, it completely catches me off guard. I had to take a few minutes to pull myself together afterward and continue reading but when I did, I kept thinking in my head, “Courtney’s got this.”. So while I didn’t know how she would do it, I knew in my heart that the story was in good hands and would turn into something very special indeed. And thankgod, I was right.

Weepy Amanda aside, Hold Me was the second outing in Courtney Milan’s Cyclone series. The leads were Maria Lopez, who was first introduced as Tina Chen’s awesomesauce best friend and roommate in Trade Me, and Jay na Thalang, a ‘Cyclone baby’ and professor of lasers. Right off the bat, Maria and Jay can’t stand each other, due in part to false first impressions on both ends and because Jay is a straight up douche. There really is no skating around the fact that Jay was AWFUL in the beginning, okay? Thankfully we do learn later on that there were reasons behind his initial terribleness, and while they didn’t make up for what he said or how he behaved, it did go a long way into his earning mine and Maria’s forgiveness and understanding. More on that later.

As Maria and Jay’s disdain for the other is happening in real life, unbeknownst to them, they are actually friends (and more) online. Maria has an apocalyptic scenario blog that Jay is a frequent commenter on and their virtual relationship took off from there. I have to say that I really enjoyed the exchanges between Em (aka MCL aka Maria) and A. (aka Actual Physicist aka Jay). They were flirty, full of wit and mirth and later, honest and heartfelt. I think Courtney Milan nailed what can make an online relationship so powerful. I know for most people it doesn’t make any sense. How can you form a connection with someone you’ve never met or seen in person. Maria and Jay both had a lot of emotional baggage they were trying to avoid and because of that, it was a struggle for them to open up to anyone. Online and with each other, they found not only a likeminded individual where the conversation flowed quite easily, but also an outlet for their troubles and an escape from real life’s tensions. The anonymity also added an extra layer of protection to where they could be completely honest while still maintaining a safe distance or as Maria referred to it, a hiding place. Of course, shit got real once online’s blanket of safety was shucked away and only Maria and Jay as they really were remained.

Lemme talk a little bit about Maria, whom I loved with every ounce of my being. She was sassy, she was intelligent, she was Latina, she was transgender, she was a numbers whiz, she loved shoes and she didn’t trust easily. That last one was quite understandable given that her parents disowned her after they were unable to accept Maria for who she was. Thankfully she had the love and support of her brother and grandmother to so see her through the storm, but that feeling of abandonment never really left her. From that point on, Maria held to the belief that happiness was fleeting and the end of things are inevitable. Worst-case scenario was second nature for her because to Maria, if she could picture the worst thing possible and then find the right formula to survive it, all wouldn’t be well, but she could bare it. That’s what Maria did. She bore things. She didn’t allow herself anything so complicated and messy as love or happiness because she felt like she was undeserving of it all, or wasn’t worth the extra effort it would take for another person to give her those things. This broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and later made her realization that she was in fact worthy and deserving of love that much more important..

“I don’t need the maybe.
I actually do deserve to be happy. I deserve to have people love me. I haven’t fought this hard, and come this far, to settle for a tentative maybe. I deserve to be ecstatic. I deserve to have people care for me. I don’t want to accept any less.

Then, there was Jay. Ugh. Well, Jay in the beginning was awful. I mean the level of his douchery was to the point of making me question if I even wanted to read about a HEA between him and Maria as it was quite obvious he didn’t deserve her. But then Maria laid out in no uncertain terms the fucked up levels of his misogyny right to his face, while Em later hammered the point home when she taught him a little something about male privilege. It was glorious and horrible all at the same time. But, blessedly, Jay seemed to get the message. And it wasn’t an instantaneous “Oh man, I’m a huge dick. Sorry about that.” type reversal either because let’s be honest, that’s not realistic. Once Jay absorbed everything that was said, or typed, he really began to look at himself, his choices and his world view. It was a remarkable turnaround that I was very happy to have stuck around to experience the effects of. I think it helped that we were granted access inside Jay’s head as he worked through all of this too because it gave us better insight of just why he was the way he was; like his fears of being viewed as a failure or not living up to his super successful parents preconceived expectations. It also showed that he was not a bad guy. Jay showed that there was more to him than a tough exterior and barbed words. For instance, he didn’t let himself off the hook once he realized his mistakes either. Oh, no. He knew he had a lot of work to do and he was happy to do so which made him the best kind of human in my opinion. By the end of the book, I really came to love and appreciate Jay for all of his flaws. He drove that feeling home when he later came right out and said that because of Maria, he was irrevocably changed for the better.

“I don’t know how to go forward. I don’t know if there is a forward. But you are important to me. I don’t know what to do with that. It’s the simple truth. You are important to me. You’re important enough that even if there is no when, if there is no what, and there is no longer a me in your life, I’m going to do better.”

Like in Trade Me, I found that the romance took a backseat to the development and growth of the main characters and that was absolutely fine with me. I enjoyed watching these two very closed off characters break down each other’s walls, one stone at a time and become more than who they were before that other person came into their life. I also liked that the effect Maria and Jay had on each other didn’t stop with them but instead carried over to their relationships with others; like Maria’s friends and Jay’s parents.

Of course Maria and Jay had lots of chemistry from the start, both online and off, which was nice but was not the driving force of their connection. The level of intimacy that they established, first in the virtual world, and then watching them try to recapture that magic only in real life this time was a different kind of slow burn and I enjoyed it immensely. It wasn’t easy, but then, nothing worth having ever is. There was just something really special about Maria and Jay that got to me. For example, when Maria would try to disengage from the situation and needed space, Jay gave her that while at the same time constantly reminding her that he’d be there for her if she needed him. My gosh, can you say ALL THE FEELS???

“You and I---we’ve tesseracted all the way past our most vulnerable moments,” I say. “We did this all backward---vulnerability first, names last. And now we’re all tangled together and there’s no good way out. I don’t have any real hiding places.”
He exhales. “Then I won’t hide. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I do you”

They were enough and more for each other and while it took them awhile to realize that, the tough time getting there made the end resulting happiness that much more worth it.

It’s clear that Courtney Milan set out to make this book as diverse and inclusive as possible without it turning it into an event like, “THIS BOOK IS DIVERSE SO READ THE DIVERSE BOOK BECAUSE IT’S DIVERSE!”. But it’d be remiss not to appreciate her concerted effort to break down some walls and let the light in so, *slow claps* Just knowing that there is a romance novel existing in the world where we have sciencey, bisexual, half Thai/half Chinese hero paired together with a fabulous, math minded, trans Latina heroine...yeah, it’s amazing. Her ability to create characters that feel real, aren’t stereotypes and that make you end up caring a great deal about these people that don’t really exist AND YET THEY DO is next to none.

My only complaints were that I felt the book began to drag a little in the end. The math and science bits while obviously very well researched, went straight over my head. And I could’ve done without all the disgusting sexism in the beginning, but I will take flawed characters who realize their mistakes and then try to make themselves better over douchery for douchery’s sake. There were a lot of characters introduced in this book as well who will apparently have books in the future so I’m looking forward to that. When we’ll get those said books however…who knows? I really love Courtney but sometimes I do wish she wrote just a tad faster. However, as long as she keeps churning out amazing book after amazing book, I’m willing to wait forever.

[Maëlys · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am beyond excited to be rereading this for the Dragons & Tea Bookclub during the month of June ☕🌈

✨ 5 / 5 ✨

“Fuck you”, I say calmly. “Fuck your apology. And fuck your holier-than-thou fake British accent.”

Hold me, my heart is soft and I need more.

I picked up this book on a whim after seeing the lovely Amina talk about it on twitter. I had no expectations and oh boy, did I love every second of this.

The premise sounded amazing: two people who can’t stand each other in the real world have slowly fallen for each other online. Being half in love with someone you’ve never met? More likely than you think.

Anyway, I love these characters more than life itself.

“You’re all in for everyone else […] the only person in your life you aren’t all in for is yourself.”

Maria is a goddess, the only person who matters in this world, I would die fore her and she deserves everything in the world. She is a beautiful latina trans woman who wants to make it in STEM. She is disregarded for being very feminine and wearing makeup and heels. She knows she’s hot and we’re not having any of that “not like other girls” bullshit. She’s incredibly kind and intelligent and she will not let any man make her feel small. She is one of the most powerful and strong characters I’ve read about and I love her with all my heart.

“I’m not lonely, I remind myself. I’m too busy to be fucking lonely.”

Jay. Oh Jay. He was on thin ice for a lot of the book because he said and was thinking a few shitty things but hey, the author didn’t make excuses for him and he had to redeem himself in the eyes of the reader and Maria. He could be the typical hot brooding asshole with a tragic backstory but he actually works on himself and acknowledges he fucked up and did shitty things. We love growth in this house.

The chemistry between those two characters was beautiful and sexy and I was rooting for them from the start. Their real life banter was cutting and Jay was a mean asshole at the beginning but Maria can hold her own and she dragged him through the mud like the queen she is. It was beautiful to witness and I’ve highlighted so many of those moments. Then their online discussions and nerdy flirting?? 10/10. I can’t believe quantum entanglement is now some top romantic shit but here we are. Maybe men in STEM have rights. Not too many though, let’s not get crazy.

Ah, talking of the STEM world. I ran away and have a personal vendetta against scientific academia at this point in my life and I know a lot of other women who’ve felt very discouraged by the sexism that still exists there. Sometimes you get lucky and have a great experience but more often than not you have to face the issues raised in this book. Not being taken seriously because you’re wearing makeup in the lab is pretty tragic but it’s still a reality we have to face. I’m so grateful to have read this book to maybe give me some hope that it could change, one person at a time.

I also loved how the family dynamics were explored in this book and honestly so much stuff kinda broke my heart but hey, I still made it through. I didn’t care too much for the friend secondary characters but honestly, I loved the main characters so so so much that I don’t think I had space for anyone else.

Okay now I can shove this down everyone’s throat because I loved it so much.

You can also find me on Youtube & Twitter ✨

[Girl · Rating 2 out of 5]

I sort of feel like I should preface my review with a "it's not the book, it's me: it's been the worst time in my life, and I just don't have it in me to read this kind of a romance" -- but then I remember that I've actually mainlined Connie Willis's Crosstalk very recently, and loved it despite its issues. So, no. The disclaimer should be "I usually love Courtney Milan's books, but this one doesn't quite work for me".

I mean, it's very well written, (mostly) well paced, it tugs at all the right heartstrings. I actually really liked the beginning - the hero is a brilliant successful jerk scientist? Sign me right up.

And then, well. Turns out dude has more issues than The Times magazine.

1) Jay has impostor syndrome. ("How come I have a tenured position when most people my age in my line of work can't find jobs wah wah wah I'm going to listen to the Hamilton OST while suffering over that one.") Ungh. Nope. Automatically loses 40% of sexy in my book. Brilliant successful jerk scientists just shouldn't.

2) Then it turns out that he has major trauma due to the fact that his brother killed himself at 16. Jay blames himself for the brother's death and assumes that his parents hate him for that reason. Well [SPOILER] predictably, it turns out that the parents blame themselves and it's not that they don't care for Jay, it's that they walk on eggshells because they don't want to lose him, too.

3) And then there's the major source of conflict, namely that Jay is Seekritly (to himself) Sexist and assumes that Maria, due to the fact of being pretty and taking care of her appearance, cannot be intelligent. He is called out on that, he reconsiders his ways and apologises.

This one feels the most true to the character as presented on page, and yet the plotline still seems so... PSA-y and perfunctory and simplistic. And also: institutional sexism in academia is such a deep issue that having Jay simply Decide Not To Be Sexist just doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. And also: I can't help but keep thinking that even despite The Decision Not To Be Sexist (And / Or Not To Judge Women On Their Looks Alone) if Maria hadn't turned out to be the brilliant science blogger MCL, she just wouldn't be worthy of Jay's respect/ interest/ feelings.

I just would have prefered him to be a straight (or, yk, not so much, because he's bisexual, I assume only so that he could have lube casually lying around) up jerk. *sigh*


I did enjoy parts of the book. I really like Milan's voice and the way she constructs her worlds. And I will turn up for the next books in the series.

PS Please stop trying to make Adam Reynolds happen. It's not going to happen.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

A complex contemporary romance that celebrates abject scientific geekery between delightful characters.

Maria Lopez (Tina's roommate from Trade Me) is a transgender latina with insecurity issues and a scientific blog where she explores catastrophes. Jay na Thalang is a tenure-track brilliant physical chemist who has issues of his own. They've been corresponding anonymously for a couple of years around the content of Maria's blog and have quietly become very important to each other. However, when they meet in person for the first time, neither realizing the other's identity, it's like a snarky train wreck.

Think You've Got Mail, only with the diversity of modern San Francisco and a transgenic luminescent shark, battle cocktails, hypothetical apocalypses and a large number of laser jokes.

The parts of the book where Maria and Jay are sniping at each other while seeking support from each other via internet chat are just wonderful. Even when they inevitably discover each other, the story is still wonderful, even though the resolution feels a little neat. Both of these characters have significant personal issues that one breakthrough is unlikely to solve. That being said, it's still wonderful and I'd like to see where these characters go next.