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Parenting Beyond Your Capacity: Connect Your Family to a Wider Community
"Parenting Beyond Your Capacity provides us with a practical and revolutionary approach to the responsibility most of us find parenting. This book will equip you to be successful throughout your child's development." Andy Stanley, senior pastor of North Point Community Church When parents and the church work together, the impact on kids increases dramatically. In Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof help parents discover a bigger story in which to involve their family, one in which multiple influential voices combine in order to tell kids the same that a relationship with God really matters. Parenting Beyond Your Capacity can help parents establish a lifestyle in which Invite others to invest in their children to help shape and determine the direction of their lives. Create a culture of unconditional love to fuel the emotional and moral health of their children. Tap into the power of quality moments together, building a sense of purpose through everyday experiences. Includes small group questions. Small group discussion starter videos available for download, for free, at TheParentCue.org. For more resources like this, visit OrangeBooks.com and ThinkOrange.com.
199 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 2010
47 people are currently reading
692 people want to read
About the author
Reggie Joiner
63 books25 followersReggie Joiner is the founder and CEO of Orange, a non-profit organization whose purpose is to influence those who influence the next generation. Author of more than 30 books, including Think Orange, Seven Practices of Effective Ministry, and Lead Small. Reggie has changed the way churches and organizations create environments for and equip leaders, parents, and the next generation. Orange partners with over 8,000 churches internationally and is the architect of the Orange Conference and the Orange Tour, which provide national training opportunities for senior pastors, church leaders, and ministry volunteers.
Prior to Orange and along with Andy Stanley, Reggie co-founded North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, Georgia. During his 11 years as the executive director of Family Ministry, Reggie developed the new concepts of ministry for preschoolers, children, students, and married adults. He has found a way to wear orange for 4,353 days and counting.
Reggie is a graduate of Georgia Southwestern College. He and his wife Debbie have four grown children and live near Atlanta.
Prior to Orange and along with Andy Stanley, Reggie co-founded North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, Georgia. During his 11 years as the executive director of Family Ministry, Reggie developed the new concepts of ministry for preschoolers, children, students, and married adults. He has found a way to wear orange for 4,353 days and counting.
Reggie is a graduate of Georgia Southwestern College. He and his wife Debbie have four grown children and live near Atlanta.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
July 8, 2011
Such an encouraging, enlightening and challenging book. Some take-aways:
* What matters more than anything is that my kids have an authentic relationship with God.
* My wife and I are not the only adult influences my children need.
* My children need to know I will never stop fighting for a right relationship with them.
* My relationship with God and with my wife affects my children more than I realize.
* Just being together can never substitute for interacting together in a meaningful way.
YOUR ROLE IS NOT TO IMPRESS YOUR CHILDREN OR ANYONE ELSE WITH YOUR ABILITY TO PARENT; YOUR ROLE IS TO IMPRESS YOUR CHILDREN WITH THE LOVE AND NATURE OF GOD.
God is at work telling a story of restoration and redemption through your family. No matter what your family looks like or how limited your capacity might be, you can cooperate with whatever God desires to do in your heart so your children will have a front-row seat to the grace and goodness of God.
Most of our children will never really believe they are significant until we give them something significant to do.
If most of the parents in the Bible had shown up in your church, you would have suggested they go to counseling.
Whenever we define a child's happiness as our ultimate goal, we settle for something far less significant than what God has designed for them or what He has designed them for.
If you're going to fight for the relationship, fight for it not against it.
The following three words help keep us focused on what we want our kids to become: Wonder. Passion. Discovery.
It's possible to hold on to your kids so tightly that we forget the ultimate goal of parenting is to let them go.
* What matters more than anything is that my kids have an authentic relationship with God.
* My wife and I are not the only adult influences my children need.
* My children need to know I will never stop fighting for a right relationship with them.
* My relationship with God and with my wife affects my children more than I realize.
* Just being together can never substitute for interacting together in a meaningful way.
YOUR ROLE IS NOT TO IMPRESS YOUR CHILDREN OR ANYONE ELSE WITH YOUR ABILITY TO PARENT; YOUR ROLE IS TO IMPRESS YOUR CHILDREN WITH THE LOVE AND NATURE OF GOD.
God is at work telling a story of restoration and redemption through your family. No matter what your family looks like or how limited your capacity might be, you can cooperate with whatever God desires to do in your heart so your children will have a front-row seat to the grace and goodness of God.
Most of our children will never really believe they are significant until we give them something significant to do.
If most of the parents in the Bible had shown up in your church, you would have suggested they go to counseling.
Whenever we define a child's happiness as our ultimate goal, we settle for something far less significant than what God has designed for them or what He has designed them for.
If you're going to fight for the relationship, fight for it not against it.
The following three words help keep us focused on what we want our kids to become: Wonder. Passion. Discovery.
It's possible to hold on to your kids so tightly that we forget the ultimate goal of parenting is to let them go.
September 27, 2021
I believe this book was a game-changer for the home & church partnership in the spiritual journey of the child. I think it was one of the first of its kind to call out the over corrections evangelicals are so good at.
It didn’t shy away from well-researched data, and broke down the SHEMA (Deuteronomy 6) in a very practical way. The principles in the book are outstanding & simple. There are other books & resources I’d recommend on strategy, structure or testimony of what the home + church partnership looks like, but until you get to that point, this book is an incredibly solid starting point.
If you choose to use the Orange resources, I do believe it falls a bit short on the driving the Gospel. But it’s not bad and it’s not heresy by any means. Our church used it for 2+ years. Great starting point resource for parents & those in kids ministries. We wouldn’t look at kids Ministry the same way without the influence of the principles contained in this book.
It didn’t shy away from well-researched data, and broke down the SHEMA (Deuteronomy 6) in a very practical way. The principles in the book are outstanding & simple. There are other books & resources I’d recommend on strategy, structure or testimony of what the home + church partnership looks like, but until you get to that point, this book is an incredibly solid starting point.
If you choose to use the Orange resources, I do believe it falls a bit short on the driving the Gospel. But it’s not bad and it’s not heresy by any means. Our church used it for 2+ years. Great starting point resource for parents & those in kids ministries. We wouldn’t look at kids Ministry the same way without the influence of the principles contained in this book.
May 23, 2011
I'm giving this book five stars, not because it exhibits masterful writing or ultra-profound insight, but rather because it stands out among the countless parenting books I've read. It comes across as an honest attempt to move away from the polarizing issues that often bog down parenting classes and discussions toward a short list of vital principles that serve as the driving force behaind the decisions we make as parents. Joiner and Nieuwhof both have accessible writing styles. In fact, there are a few places where you almost get the sense that you are reading a written transcript of an engaging seminar presentation. In other books I have found that to be a turn-off but here I was drawn further into the subject matter by the style alone.
As you would expect, there are a few things int he book that I would challenge or question, but I would be much more worried if I agreed with everything in they had written. The book itself expounds on a twenty page section of Joiner's book Think Orange and delves deeply into the much abused passage in Deuteronomy 6 that guides the Israelite parents in their attempts to teach their children.
Overall, I really enjoyed the book and looke forward to even more from Joiner, Nieuwhof, Orange and ReThink.
As you would expect, there are a few things int he book that I would challenge or question, but I would be much more worried if I agreed with everything in they had written. The book itself expounds on a twenty page section of Joiner's book Think Orange and delves deeply into the much abused passage in Deuteronomy 6 that guides the Israelite parents in their attempts to teach their children.
Overall, I really enjoyed the book and looke forward to even more from Joiner, Nieuwhof, Orange and ReThink.
August 26, 2011
This one needs to be owned by every parent, teacher, youth minister, and anyone else that works with parents and kids in a faith-based environment! The authors start off by giving tremendous hope that parents do NOT have to be perfect! The goal of parenting is NOT to have perfect parenting skills, but to point your children toward God's love.
Even broken and dysfunctional families can find hope within these pages.
Some chapter topics include: Connecting your kids with adult mentors, Setting the pace in your home, Your children are watching YOUR relationship with God, and Parenting in order to let your children go. (These are paraphrased!)
This book is the best "sermon" on Deuteronomy 6 that I've seen.
Get it and read once a year!
Even broken and dysfunctional families can find hope within these pages.
Some chapter topics include: Connecting your kids with adult mentors, Setting the pace in your home, Your children are watching YOUR relationship with God, and Parenting in order to let your children go. (These are paraphrased!)
This book is the best "sermon" on Deuteronomy 6 that I've seen.
Get it and read once a year!
February 23, 2017
There are three big takeaways for me from this excellent book by Carey and Reggie.
1. You can't do it alone. Get others around you to invest in you and your family because there are some things that kids just can't discuss with mom and dad.
2. Don't substitute 'quality' for quantity. Quality time with your kids/family can only come inside a quantity of time and the relationship that brings. So regularly spend time with your family so you can get to the quality time you desire.
3. Take care of yourself because if you're not healthy you have nothing to give to those around you.
You should get this book.
1. You can't do it alone. Get others around you to invest in you and your family because there are some things that kids just can't discuss with mom and dad.
2. Don't substitute 'quality' for quantity. Quality time with your kids/family can only come inside a quantity of time and the relationship that brings. So regularly spend time with your family so you can get to the quality time you desire.
3. Take care of yourself because if you're not healthy you have nothing to give to those around you.
You should get this book.
January 1, 2017
Some very good concepts for parents in this book. Most of which are geared towards older kids than mine (toddlers) but good to start practicing now. I felt the book could've been much shorter (not even a book?) as they made their point, told a personal story (which I loved) but then repeated themselves to fill up the chapter (in my opinion)
February 5, 2025
The principals in this book were good but the authors are extremely long winded and like to reiterate every point. Because of that I found it to be less than an engaging read.
September 18, 2019
Great book! If you are looking to expand thinking on parenting and partnering with parents, this is a great book. Sticky faith and Growing with, also expand on these ideas in even more detail!
Currently reading
June 5, 2012Quotes that stood out to me as I read:
FOREWARD
"Anyone can have a child; being a parent takes hard work and prayer." (pg. 13)
"A hundred years from now, your great-grandchildren probably won't even know your name. No one will care about what awards you won or how much money you made. The only thing that will matter is what kind of children you left behind and their influence on subsequent generations." (pg. 14)
INTRODUCTION
"One of the greatest ways you can impact the life of your child is to become intentional about partnering with others who can also have influence with your child." (pg. 19)
"Your weaknesses as a paretn can work in your favor. they should remind you to pursue other influences for your family. Face this truth about parenting: Every parent has a different set of limitations." (pg. 20)
Ch. 1 THE ORANGE PARENT
"Many of us discovered soon after our children were born that our parenting toolboxes were missing some of the tools we needed to be effective at the job." (pg. 25)
"It is quite ironic that we will use phrases or techniques that oue parents used on us, even though those approaches didn't work on us any better than they work on our kids." (pg. 25)
"If parenting isn't a little intimidating, then maybe you don't really understand how critical your role is." (pg. 28)
"We need to remember that our influence has more to do with our relationships with our children than it does our skills as parents." (pgs. 28-29)
"Your role is not to impress your children or anyone else with your ability to parent; your role is to impress your children with the love and nature of God." (pg. 29)
"Here is a sobering thought: Your present family will never be enough for your children." (pg. 29)
"Your children one day will seek affirmation and approval from adults other than you. Either you can become intentional about enlisting other trusted adults to influence your kids, or you can depend only on your limited capacity." (pg. 31)
"There are two powerful influences on the planeet - the church and the home. They both exist because God initiated them. They both exist because God desires to use them to demonstrate His plan of redemption and restoration. If they work together they can potentially make a greater impact than if they work alone. They need each other. Too much is at stake for either one to fail. Their primary task is to build God's kingdom in the hearts of men and women, sons and daughters." (pg. 33)
FOREWARD
"Anyone can have a child; being a parent takes hard work and prayer." (pg. 13)
"A hundred years from now, your great-grandchildren probably won't even know your name. No one will care about what awards you won or how much money you made. The only thing that will matter is what kind of children you left behind and their influence on subsequent generations." (pg. 14)
INTRODUCTION
"One of the greatest ways you can impact the life of your child is to become intentional about partnering with others who can also have influence with your child." (pg. 19)
"Your weaknesses as a paretn can work in your favor. they should remind you to pursue other influences for your family. Face this truth about parenting: Every parent has a different set of limitations." (pg. 20)
Ch. 1 THE ORANGE PARENT
"Many of us discovered soon after our children were born that our parenting toolboxes were missing some of the tools we needed to be effective at the job." (pg. 25)
"It is quite ironic that we will use phrases or techniques that oue parents used on us, even though those approaches didn't work on us any better than they work on our kids." (pg. 25)
"If parenting isn't a little intimidating, then maybe you don't really understand how critical your role is." (pg. 28)
"We need to remember that our influence has more to do with our relationships with our children than it does our skills as parents." (pgs. 28-29)
"Your role is not to impress your children or anyone else with your ability to parent; your role is to impress your children with the love and nature of God." (pg. 29)
"Here is a sobering thought: Your present family will never be enough for your children." (pg. 29)
"Your children one day will seek affirmation and approval from adults other than you. Either you can become intentional about enlisting other trusted adults to influence your kids, or you can depend only on your limited capacity." (pg. 31)
"There are two powerful influences on the planeet - the church and the home. They both exist because God initiated them. They both exist because God desires to use them to demonstrate His plan of redemption and restoration. If they work together they can potentially make a greater impact than if they work alone. They need each other. Too much is at stake for either one to fail. Their primary task is to build God's kingdom in the hearts of men and women, sons and daughters." (pg. 33)
November 30, 2011
I am not a parent. I am not even married or close to being married. I read this book with my church as part of a leadership growth activity. That said, I thought this book had a lot to offer. It's not a "this is how you discipline your kids," or "psychiatrists agree that carrots are best for your kid's health." Instead, it breaks down Deuteronomy 6 to reveal what Moses (speaking on behalf of God) has to say about raising kids in Christ.
I love Deuteronomy 6 and Reggie Joiner and Carey Neiuwhof did an excellent job at teaching from it. Everything is done relationally. What they emphasis above everything is how values are transferred through an authentic relationship with your kids.
One of my favorite ideas in the book is the coming of age tradition that he had with his teenaged son. Investing in our teenaged youth is definitely missing in our modern world and with no initiation into adulthood (except that part where they turn 21 and get drunk) we miss out on a key turning point in their life.
I love Deuteronomy 6 and Reggie Joiner and Carey Neiuwhof did an excellent job at teaching from it. Everything is done relationally. What they emphasis above everything is how values are transferred through an authentic relationship with your kids.
One of my favorite ideas in the book is the coming of age tradition that he had with his teenaged son. Investing in our teenaged youth is definitely missing in our modern world and with no initiation into adulthood (except that part where they turn 21 and get drunk) we miss out on a key turning point in their life.
September 7, 2012
This is a good encouragement to parents reminding us to take a step back from the everyday and think about our long term goals as parents. We need to be reminded that our end goal is not simply to protect our kids until they are old enough to go out on their own, but to continuously train them how to live.
The Orange Principle is that the greatest influence on our children is when parents and church work in cooperation towards the same goals. We can be aware of more natural opportunities in day to day life to share and mold our children rather than one big teaching session before we send them off to college.
Rather than a long list of things that would just make us as parents feel more inadequate and overwhelmed, the goal is to be more encouraging and to find ways in our existing lives to impart wisdom and understanding about life to our kids.
It covers a mix of principles to be mindful of along with some practical examples in living. You won't leave with a checklist, but with a better understanding of what it is to be a parent.
The Orange Principle is that the greatest influence on our children is when parents and church work in cooperation towards the same goals. We can be aware of more natural opportunities in day to day life to share and mold our children rather than one big teaching session before we send them off to college.
Rather than a long list of things that would just make us as parents feel more inadequate and overwhelmed, the goal is to be more encouraging and to find ways in our existing lives to impart wisdom and understanding about life to our kids.
It covers a mix of principles to be mindful of along with some practical examples in living. You won't leave with a checklist, but with a better understanding of what it is to be a parent.
February 24, 2012
I gave this book only 3 * because I think the overall advice I was already familiar with from reading the authors' blog and other parent material from them. Having said that, this is a good parenting book about big picture stuff - things to start with in your strategy as a parent and then drill down to the "how" elsewhere. I appreciated that because I never once got that icky feeling I usually do with parenting books... That guilt or frustration of finding out things I might be doing wrong. The book finishes with a chapter that I think is one of the most important things as a parent... We can't expect our children to develop good character, language, integrity if we aren't modeling that as their parent. This is very much written from a Christian perspective, but I think open minded individuals of other faiths would appreciate & agree with many, many of the general themes of strategy.
February 22, 2012
When my pastor told our staff that we were going to read this book together, I thought that the stage of life that my wife and I were at with our children, we just did not need the principles of this book. I thought it was too late. WOW! Was I ever wrong. Everyone needs to read this book! Especially if you want to be a person that desires to be a part of changing a culture, a generation! It's so refreshing to see a clear picture of how the church can partner with the family. There is so much HOPE for the average struggling family that partners with a church that lives out these principles. This is a must read for all parents!
April 14, 2014
Encouraging book on how to reach out and find others to help you parent, focusing on mentoring and the local church. Premise is to find others to walk along side of you while you are parenting your children. Glean information from people who have walked in your shoes before. Reach out to others who might mentor you and someone to mentor your child. Your children might speak to others about somethings that they might not speak to you about, especially in teenage years, so find quality, godly mentors for your children who can speak Christ into your children.
March 5, 2020
One of my biggest criticisms of how-to books is that they could have been written as an article rather than an entire book. That is definitely the case with this one. I found that many of the anecdotes were unnecessary and even hard to relate to, but the main message the authors convey is sound. It caused me to examine my parenting goals, especially with regard to being overprotective. One of my favorite lines was “it’s possible to hold on to our kids so tightly that we forget the ultimate goal of parenting is to let go.”
February 20, 2012
What an unbelievable book on parenting. Every parent should read this one. Here are some take always:
- Your child will need other voices in his or her life saying the same things you are saying as a parent.
- Never quit fighting for your relationship with your child.
- The best thing you can give your child is a healthy relationship with God and your spouse.
- Your child will need other voices in his or her life saying the same things you are saying as a parent.
- Never quit fighting for your relationship with your child.
- The best thing you can give your child is a healthy relationship with God and your spouse.
August 25, 2015
Such a worthwhile read! I don't know that I've ever finished a parenting book feeling so excited, encouraged, and empowered. The authors impart a strong sense of, "You can do this, because it's not all on you." Absolutely practical applications, incredibly freeing perspective. Especially applicable for parents of children who are getting older and gaining more independence (middle school and up).
June 7, 2015
This book has much to offer in the way of practical advice for parents, particularly but not exclusively Christian parents, in relating to their children in a manner designed to impart spiritual upbringing to them. It has a set of discussion questions with each chapter that lend the book to work as a small group study. Clearly worth further review.
March 30, 2012
I liked it - it's a book I'll need to read over and over. I like how it emphasizes the importance of intentional routine. It's definitely something I'll be thinking about and trying to do better in my own family's life.
February 26, 2014
A great read about what you should really be focusing on when raising your kids. Protection is not what they need most to be pointed to something greater than themselves found in God. Highly recommend this for anyone with kids.
August 23, 2018
there's a lot of overlapping parenting material here with other Orange & ParentCue resources, so if you've read the other stuff, this may be a skippable book for you. but if this is your first introduction to these orgs, then it's probably a great introduction.
October 9, 2010
Absolutely the best parenting book I have read to date. a MUST READ for any parent!
November 23, 2010
Good. Glad to be part of a church that promotes this kind of culture. Especially liked the concept of "bigger story" versus "better picture"
May 20, 2011
One of the best parenting books I've read.
October 21, 2011
I am giving this five stars because it is an easy to read helpful book for parents. Great for small group ministry with parents - a great read for all parents.
April 26, 2012
Must read for parents or parents to be.
August 4, 2012
Reading this book does not guarantee you will be a great parent but if you do don't adopt these five principles you never will be a great parent.
August 30, 2012
Great parenting advice! I love the family and community approach. A few ideas were brand new to me.
October 8, 2012
Very practical help in raising kids.
October 30, 2012
This will stay on my shelf to review at least yearly.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews