Belonging and Becoming: Creating a Thriving Family Culture

by Mark Scandrette, Lisa Scandrette

Renew your imagination for what family life can be. Many of us feel overwhelmed about the prospect of raising children in our high-performance, rapid-pace culture. Reflecting on difficulties from our own families of origin can increase our doubt and insecurity about being a good parent. Positive examples of family life can seem few and far between. Mark and Lisa Scandrette understand these challenges, and in Belonging and Becoming they cast a compelling vision of what the family can be. They offer wisdom from the joys and struggles of their own life, and practical guidance for creating a healthy and deeply rooted family culture. Whether you?ve been a parent for some time, you're just starting out, or you're only starting to think about it, this book will inspire you to take new steps toward family thriving. Now more than ever, we need a new vision for family that is creative, intentional, soulful, and globally aware. Whatever the make up of your household, your family can be a space of belonging, where each person feels safe, loved, cherished and cared for, and a place of becoming, where each person is supported to to develop who they are for the good of the world.

Genres: Parenting, Family, Nonfiction, Religion, Christianity, Christian

230 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 27, 2016

About the author

Mark Scandrette is an internationally recognized expert in practical Christian spirituality. He is the founding director of ReIMAGINE: A Center for Integral Christian Practice and he is on the creative team for NINE BEATS collective. A sought after voice for creative, radical, and embodied faith practices, he frequently speaks at universities, churches and conferences nationally and internationally and also serves as adjunct faculty in the doctoral program at Fuller Theological Seminary. His most recent books include The Ninefold Path of Jesus, FREE, Practicing the Way of Jesus, and Belonging and Becoming (with Lisa Scandrette). Mark lives with his wife and their three young adult children in an old Victorian in San Francisco's Mission District.

Reviews

[D.L. Mayfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly practical and balanced. I was waiting for a bit more about how to create rhythms to help our children be more outward focused, but overall it was SO helpful and life-giving and challenged me to really articulate the vision and values I have for my family.

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book to help even 2 person families live with more intentionality and care. Very practical and realistic! Relatable stories.

[Robin Peake · Rating 4 out of 5]

*I was fortunate to be given a free copy of this from the publisher, Lion Hudson*

I really enjoyed this, and expected to having resonated deeply with a previous book on how to spend money and time ('Free'). I have just read it at a time when my wife and I have been thinking, how do we parent our 18-month old beyond day-to-day survival, and asking questions like 'What kind of 18-year-old do we want to send out?'

I related easily to the authors, because I basically saw them as better, more developed, more experienced versions of how I orientate myself as a parent. I didn't feel challenged so much as affirmed, and having gleaned ideas about how to develop the family culture I want to - one that is welcoming, which fosters independence in the kids, where family members are decision makers (e.g. developing a family mission statement, sharing your family budget with your kids and inviting ideas about how to allocate your income). You may not like a lot of their ideas (taking minutes of family meetings will be a hard one for me to implement in my home), but many of them resonated easily with me.

My favourite elements were:
- Creating family traditions/memories/experiences (I left with a huge list of new traditions I want to create, and current practices I want to cement)
- Giving children real responsibility in managing the household
- Creating a culture of abundance, not scarcity

I think the structure of the book could use some re-tooling - I found it hard to orientate myself around the way that the chapters were split into different sections, which would benefit from some visuals or consistent sub-titling across chapters to help me know what section this is.

[William Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finished reading Belonging and Becoming: Creating a Thriving Family Culture, by Mark and Lisa Scandrette. It's not bad, but it does have some very glaring problems.

It is written from an Evangelical Christian point of view, so the stated goal of a thriving family is specifically so that this thriving family can benefit "the world" for the "kingdom of Christ." Evangelicals often have this as the goal for the things that they do. They give away food and clothes for free so that they can reach people for Jesus; they support homeless shelters that are gospel-oriented and schools that teach the gospel alongside the maths and grammers. They do all these things in the hope that souls can be saved and go to heaven. And that's a problem? Yes...that's a problem, because it presents the Gospel as an ulterior motive to the good being done.

You should feed people because they are hungry.
You should give people clothes because they are cold, and their old clothes are worn.
You should provide shelter because people need shelter.
You should teach people because they are ignorant.

You should meet the needs of other people because they are people who have needs. Meeting the needs of people so that you can present the Gospel dehumanizes people by projecting quite clearly that you do not care about them as people, you only care about them as condemned souls.

so...if you have the goal of creating a thriving family so that you can save souls for Jesus, you are doing the right thing for the wrong reason. It ought to be enough to create a thriving family where every member can live out their full potential because that would mean that every member of your family is healthy, content, and thriving as human beings. That ought to be enough.

Will a thriving family change the world? Probably not. But it cannot help but to change the family itself, and that positive change will radiate out and affect the other relationships that the members of this family have. But these positive changes are not the goal; they are merely an inevitable side-effect of the thriving family.

So what does the book actually do? It begins by reminding us that a thriving family is about vision and action; that thriving is a process, not a goal; and that it takes cooperative work to achieve. Each chapter focuses on one aspect of what they are trying to teach, and each one contains a lot of helpful information that applies even if you aren't an Evangelical Christian. Both Mark and Lisa take turns in each chapter explaining their viewpoints and struggles as they relate. Each chapter has focus questions and discussion ideas and ends with insight from their (nodult) daughter about what growing up in a family that was attempting to live out these ideals was like.

All in all, I'd recommend this book. But don't read it alone. It's a book about developing a certain type of family, and it will require personal growth from everyone involved to work towards a jointly desired outcome. You can do this alone, but after you're done growing and changing, you will be alone; you can't bring a non-participant along on a journey of self-discovery and change. When you try, they will very likely resent both. They didn't marry this new you, and they didn't agree to this new family you expect to have.

But is that really a bad thing? If you are not the person you want to be, and you decide to undertake a journey of self-discovery and improvement to be a better person, ; and your spouse should want that and want to help you. You shouldn't try to dray someone along that doesn't want to go. But you should still take the journey. Sometimes relationships end, and divorce isn't the end of the world. Understanding that will help you make the difficult choices that you might need to make; understanding that will help us support you as you do instead of vilifying you.

[Mandy Codispoti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I would have read this book before I had kids or when my kids were very young. Rather than giving you a list of things you must do or rules for parenting, they invite you to create the family culture YOU want. It gives examples and suggestions, provides a framework but then asks you questions and assigns tasks so that you can breathe life into your family.

It's highly practical and easy to read. Each chapter states an aspect of a "thriving family", explains the why and how, gives examples then outlines practical steps and gives suggested activities in establishing common vision/healthy rhythms/etc.

I would say that most of what this book contains is not revolutionary, these are not things you have never heard of before. But what this book does is give language to what you do as a family. This book calls you to intentionality. This book calls you to live your life in a way, as parents, that will most easily allow your children to grow up with a framework of how to live with intentionality, purpose, vision and relationship and then for them to be able to pass it on to the families that they create.

Highly recommend for any parent or parent-to-be.

[Tammy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finally finished this book after...7 years? (That's how old my eldest child is) I am excited to go through each chapter with my husband and start incorporating some of these practices and principles within our family rhythms. I feel like they give helpful frameworks and overview that can be easily adapted to different families with different values and personalities, while still being specific enough that it's helpful and provides some direction. Both conceptual and practical for families who are looking to be more intentional with their choices and lifestyles and vision for what their thriving family would look like, particularly for those who follow Jesus.

[Emily Parrott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book about building a purposeful family culture. It's not prescriptive, which I appreciated, but still gave lots of helpful ideas. At the end of each chapter are things to reflect on as a caregiver and also activity ideas to include the family in the processing. This could easily be adapted to a small group or class format. Mark and Lisa (and even their kids) share personal stories and examples, and they understand that family culture can look different from family to family while still reaching the goal of being Kingdom minded.

[Margaret Bronson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful a little overwhelming

I think this book will be a helpful tool to share with others who are trying to figure out what kind of family they want to be/have. It's got a lot of really practical suggestions for great questions to think about and talk through. As a whole though it seemed like too much to do and go over. But, I definitely came away with some things to talk about with my husband!

[Gena Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a helpful, practical book for families trying to figure out rhythms. I have a hard time with most parenting books, but because this was focused on the whole family and gave big picture and little picture ideas for how to create rhythms, it hits a real need in the world of Christian parenting and family books. Immediately started implementing some of their ideas, and am so grateful.

[Michael · Rating 1 out of 5]

Reading this book with small group (which is comprised of 6 families with young kids). It explores practical ways to lead a family to know & follow Jesus - even when children are very young. [2/5 stars]

[Stasi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great workbook for helping your family think deeply about your purpose and culture.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful

I liked a lot of the ideas presented in this book for improving family culture! Some things I am already doing, many thing I can still implement!

[Kristin Vandersluis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so good that I stopped halfway through reading my library copy of the first chapter, and immediately ordered my own copy online so I could underline, highlight, and mark up the pages.

[Katie Stratton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really good tips and questions for discussion. I could re read this in a few years and get more out of it because our family would be in a different stage of life

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

All good stuff in here, but I feel like I've learned this before. A good resource for later when I inevitably forget this stuff.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely in the Top 3 parenting books I’ve read.

[Nathan Hawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book on parenting and family development I have ever read. I will be sharing this with my family and we will be better because of it.

[Erin Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous book about creating a family culture that mirrors your values. Highly recommend.

[Shanda Scherdin · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

Not a bad book. Just not necessarily super helpful for me where I am in family life and faith.

[Kendra · Rating 5 out of 5]

For many of us, raising children is the most important thing we will ever do. But how much thought and intentionality goes into creating the home life we desire for our children and ourselves? If you’re like me, it’s not as much as it could be. In Belonging and Becoming, Christian teachers Mark and Lisa Scandrette guide parents in establishing a thriving family culture in which each family member “feels safe, cared for and loved, and is supported to develop who they are for the good of the world.” The Scandrettes define a thriving family as a family who 1) lives from a vision; 2) carries out its purpose; 3) finds a rhythm; 4) discovers a common story; 5) fosters connection; 6) celebrates abundance; 7) nurtures growth; and 8) supports productivity. The Scandrettes share transparently about how they accomplished these goals in their family of five, and they offer tools for readers to begin crafting and implementing a similar culture. Throughout the book we read stories of other thriving families, as well as reflections from the Scandrettes’ daughter, now a young adult, about the benefits she gleaned from growing up in an intentional home.

I have never read a book quite like this one—a book that joins spiritual practices and attitudes with more practical parenting ideas, with a long-term goal of healthy family in mind—and I found it incredibly enlightening and useful. The format is engaging and easy to follow and adopt, with each chapter including three tools (reflection points, family meeting topics, and family activities), as well as a helpful recap of each chapter’s key learning component. This makes the content memorable and applicable for parents as well as their children.

I appreciated that the Scandrettes share what worked for them without suggesting all thriving families must look like theirs. Instead, they help parents and their children work together to determine a culture that is reflective of the family’s unique needs, goals, strengths, and values. I also really love that the book is not just geared towards helping children OR parents thrive, but that the book emphasizes “thriving” as a communal act and one each family member (even littles) can participate in.

I would like to reread this with my husband so that we can work together and with our kids to craft our own family culture. The book contains a helpful group learning guide that would make this ideal for working through alongside other families, something I am also interested in doing with our couples’ small group. Whether your children are young adults or not yet born, if you have found yourself floundering in identifying what you want for your family life, I encourage you to pick up this book ASAP.

My Rating: 5 Stars.

This review first appeared on my personal blog, https://kendranicole.net/august-2021-...

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[Ray Hausler · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most practical and wisdom filled “parenting” books I’ve ever read. The stories, experiments, and guidance reflect real practices that any family can put in to action.

[Cara Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is hand's down the best book on parenting I've read lately. So many nuggets of wisdom from a couple who's been at the gig for 25 years and counting.