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Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder That Fed It
It had been hours since I ran at track practice that winter, but I hadn't bothered to shower, let alone change clothes. No, I didn't have time for that, because I had found the answer to my prayers.
This has to be it.
Eat all the fruit you want.
Never get fat.
Raw. Food. Diet.
Rachael Steil clocked in as an All-American collegiate runner; she became a girl clawing for a comeback on a 30-bananas-a-day diet. This year-long struggle with raw food ended when she realized she had to find her self-respect beyond her identity as a successful runner on a perfect diet. Running in Silence opens the door on the secret world of eating disorders. It provides vital insights for those who don't suffer from this disease and an honest and harrowing personal story for those who do. Steil challenges the stigma of eating disorders, looks past appearance, and dives into the heart of obsession.
This has to be it.
Eat all the fruit you want.
Never get fat.
Raw. Food. Diet.
Rachael Steil clocked in as an All-American collegiate runner; she became a girl clawing for a comeback on a 30-bananas-a-day diet. This year-long struggle with raw food ended when she realized she had to find her self-respect beyond her identity as a successful runner on a perfect diet. Running in Silence opens the door on the secret world of eating disorders. It provides vital insights for those who don't suffer from this disease and an honest and harrowing personal story for those who do. Steil challenges the stigma of eating disorders, looks past appearance, and dives into the heart of obsession.
331 pages, Paperback
First published November 15, 2016
28 people are currently reading
271 people want to read
About the author
Rachael Rose Steil
1 book21 followersRachael Steil is an eating disorder in sports recovery advocate, and the author of Running in Silence. She is also the founder and speaker for the Running in Silence nonprofit to break misconceptions and raise awareness for eating disorders in sports, and serves on the board for the Michigan Eating Disorder Alliance (MiEDA). Rachael was 6th and 7th place NAIA All-American in cross country and track, and now coaches high school cross country.
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
July 26, 2017
This book got more and more annoying as it progressed. The authors self absorbed attitude was not relatable to me at all, but was rather quite frustrating. The book starts out interesting enough with her interest into raw food and 30 bananas a day. I can also relate to not getting results off that diet and feeling like it was my fault. I also can relate to her trying to get her weight back on track and found that section more interesting. However, after that section (a little past half way through) it just gets a bit silly. For example her being near tears after not getting some runners award and recognition was almost laughable. I mean she really can't even fathom someone may have deserved the award more?! As was her sister confronting her about her self absorbed nature. I know the book was about her and her experience, but the narcissism was too much for me. I'd recommend Portia de Rossi's autobiography and Wasted as better examples as memoirs of struggling with an eating disorder.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 19, 2021
Wow. I read this book (in a day) over a week ago and I’m still thinking about it.
As an eating disorder researcher and clinician-in-training I’ve read a LOT about EDs and I can confidently say this is the best account that I’ve read.
Rachael manages to find an impressive balance between self-reflection, rawness, and relatability. I often struggle to read memoirs that often feel like inside jokes- profound to those who have been there but not to others. In the best way, Rachael’s book reads like fiction. The glimpse into her thoughts and emotions offer understanding, compassion, and relatability.
I loved the questions at the end of each chapter. Those who don’t want to use them can skip them, but those who choose to will really benefit. Even better, these questions are not only helpful for those in the recovery process but also individuals with no lived experience trying to understand EDs better (friends, family, coaches, etc).
I loved how Rachael touched on a number of really crucial topics not often breached — EDs in athletics, binging while recovering from restriction, diets as an excuse for eating habits, and EDs coming from a need for control and performance rather than just food.
If you are in the ED field, know someone struggling, or are in recovery, you need to read this book.
As an eating disorder researcher and clinician-in-training I’ve read a LOT about EDs and I can confidently say this is the best account that I’ve read.
Rachael manages to find an impressive balance between self-reflection, rawness, and relatability. I often struggle to read memoirs that often feel like inside jokes- profound to those who have been there but not to others. In the best way, Rachael’s book reads like fiction. The glimpse into her thoughts and emotions offer understanding, compassion, and relatability.
I loved the questions at the end of each chapter. Those who don’t want to use them can skip them, but those who choose to will really benefit. Even better, these questions are not only helpful for those in the recovery process but also individuals with no lived experience trying to understand EDs better (friends, family, coaches, etc).
I loved how Rachael touched on a number of really crucial topics not often breached — EDs in athletics, binging while recovering from restriction, diets as an excuse for eating habits, and EDs coming from a need for control and performance rather than just food.
If you are in the ED field, know someone struggling, or are in recovery, you need to read this book.
November 3, 2017
The format of how the book is written took me back to college because of how Rachael includes her citations. I also like that her chapters are short, like blog posts. They're quick and each capture a different experience. Having never suffered from an eating disorder, I appreciate having a glimpse into it from someone else's perspective. Reading about her binges, I felt like I suffered with her, because I wanted to help her get out of her cycle. It was exhausting thinking about how much fruit or vegetables she would force herself to eat in one sitting.
I do wish that she had provided more insight into her counseling sessions- more dialogue between her and the therapist about what was going through her mind and the processes. I felt like a lot of it was like a food diary where she wrote about what she ate and when and I wanted more conversation of other people around her.
Side note: Having gone to college with Rachael I do remember when she was super skinny and not sure what was going on (we didn't interact much outside of class) and I always thought it was odd how much her parents came to visit her and eat. Now, having read the book, I understand. I also remember seeing her after college and thinking she looked amazing at having put on a healthy amount of weight. She looked stronger and fuller. I liked that she included that part in her book as well where people see her as healthy but she thinks that we see her as still 'fat' because the fight with an eating order is something that never ends.
I definitely appreciated this book. Thank you Rachael!
I do wish that she had provided more insight into her counseling sessions- more dialogue between her and the therapist about what was going through her mind and the processes. I felt like a lot of it was like a food diary where she wrote about what she ate and when and I wanted more conversation of other people around her.
Side note: Having gone to college with Rachael I do remember when she was super skinny and not sure what was going on (we didn't interact much outside of class) and I always thought it was odd how much her parents came to visit her and eat. Now, having read the book, I understand. I also remember seeing her after college and thinking she looked amazing at having put on a healthy amount of weight. She looked stronger and fuller. I liked that she included that part in her book as well where people see her as healthy but she thinks that we see her as still 'fat' because the fight with an eating order is something that never ends.
I definitely appreciated this book. Thank you Rachael!
November 15, 2020
This was a difficult book to review because as much as Rachael's story was intriguing and honest, I did not much like her.
I read a lot of books on eating disorders and this book proves just how many facets this disease has.
It needs to be said that Rachael was brave in telling her story, it must be incredibly hard to do.
The writing was down to earth and to the point, the story was harrowing and scary. However Rachael comes across as not particularly smart, which I don't believe is true. She clearly demonstrates how people with eating disorders dont see reality when it comes to food, but my problem is more how Rachael made everything about herself.
Yes, I realize that this is part of the disease, but Rachael took it to heights that sounded really bad. She never listened to anyone, her parents were obviously not there for her and when she does get taken to task, she STILL doesnt get it. It was beyond frustrating.
It's a sign of great writing when I get so involved in a book.
I read a lot of books on eating disorders and this book proves just how many facets this disease has.
It needs to be said that Rachael was brave in telling her story, it must be incredibly hard to do.
The writing was down to earth and to the point, the story was harrowing and scary. However Rachael comes across as not particularly smart, which I don't believe is true. She clearly demonstrates how people with eating disorders dont see reality when it comes to food, but my problem is more how Rachael made everything about herself.
Yes, I realize that this is part of the disease, but Rachael took it to heights that sounded really bad. She never listened to anyone, her parents were obviously not there for her and when she does get taken to task, she STILL doesnt get it. It was beyond frustrating.
It's a sign of great writing when I get so involved in a book.
June 22, 2017
I was originally unsure about reading a book "like this" because I had a lot of preconceived notions about a self-help type of book, and because I went to the same school as the author and knew some of the people that were written about. While I was originally hesitant, I am so glad that I read it. It is incredibly brave to write a book so open and honest about a topic that so many people try to hide from the world. I wasn’t expecting to be so emotional while reading this book, but you could tell through the book and with the questions at the end of each chapter that Rachael was baring her heart and soul to share her story honestly to help others. My own experience with running and food was much different, but the emotions and thoughts were more relatable that I could have imagined. I hope this book reaches more athletes with EDs as well as others to be more aware and willing to step in to help.
July 17, 2017
A PRIVILEGED GLIMPSE INTO AN UNFOLDING STORY
In Running in Silence, Rachael invites us into the most secret thoughts of her journal and her vulnerable emotions. She faces searching questions: What if my weight isn’t just my weight but it is my happiness, my beauty, my self-worth? What if running isn’t just running but it is my identity, my sense of significance, my purpose for which I live each day? There is all the difference in the world between honoring a good thing and making a good thing the ultimate thing. When Rachael faces the loss of what she has made supreme in her life, it brings her to the edge of destruction, but it also brings her to search deeper. As she looks in the mirror at the weight gain and the struggle, she begins to realize, “I have not lost who I am, rather I am becoming more of who I truly am.” “Rawcheal” is becoming Rachael and we, as the reader, get a privileged glimpse into the unfolding story.
In Running in Silence, Rachael invites us into the most secret thoughts of her journal and her vulnerable emotions. She faces searching questions: What if my weight isn’t just my weight but it is my happiness, my beauty, my self-worth? What if running isn’t just running but it is my identity, my sense of significance, my purpose for which I live each day? There is all the difference in the world between honoring a good thing and making a good thing the ultimate thing. When Rachael faces the loss of what she has made supreme in her life, it brings her to the edge of destruction, but it also brings her to search deeper. As she looks in the mirror at the weight gain and the struggle, she begins to realize, “I have not lost who I am, rather I am becoming more of who I truly am.” “Rawcheal” is becoming Rachael and we, as the reader, get a privileged glimpse into the unfolding story.
February 2, 2018
Meh
I’m wary of people who decide that recovering from their specific ED gives them license to dole out therapy to others. If I’d known that was going to be part of this book I wouldn’t have read it. I found myself skipping the parts in between chapters that were half therapy worksheets and half quizzes. It felt condescending to me.
My heart goes out to people with EDs and I’m always impressed when they write publicly about it but to be honest I found her writing lacking and uninspired. It was good to read about OSFED instead of anorexia or bulimia and I get an evil glee every time I read about people who get sucked in by raw food pseudo science and end up finding the diet cult like and ineffectiveineffective- especially freelee and durianrider are involved. Overall it was pretty boring tho.
I’m wary of people who decide that recovering from their specific ED gives them license to dole out therapy to others. If I’d known that was going to be part of this book I wouldn’t have read it. I found myself skipping the parts in between chapters that were half therapy worksheets and half quizzes. It felt condescending to me.
My heart goes out to people with EDs and I’m always impressed when they write publicly about it but to be honest I found her writing lacking and uninspired. It was good to read about OSFED instead of anorexia or bulimia and I get an evil glee every time I read about people who get sucked in by raw food pseudo science and end up finding the diet cult like and ineffectiveineffective- especially freelee and durianrider are involved. Overall it was pretty boring tho.
January 1, 2024
Easy, but captivating read that gives you a look into the thoughts behind a runner striving for perfection and being controlled by food in the process. Great read for any athlete, coach or professional working with athletes to know more about why eating disorders can be overlooked and unnoticed for so long.
May 19, 2018
Important topic and I think the author was brave to write it, but the worksheets at the end of each chapter got in the way for me ... also, the book jumped around a little bit chronologically at the end and that got confusing.
November 2, 2017
Giving this book 3 stars out of 5. I like that this book was based in my hometown. This is an autobiography about a runner with an eating disorder. I learned some things about eating disorders.
April 22, 2018
Triggering. Lots of number and focus on behaviors. It's more like a diary. Good to see recovery promoted, but the book fell flat for me and left me feeling uncomfortable.
March 8, 2020
Good book shows how a person can focus on perfection with promises of different diets and not get fulfilled. They end up getting BED.
December 30, 2024
Honest.
March 6, 2017
Lots of food lists and little emotion. It felt as if the author just started telling her story before she had outlined where she wanted to go with it. I wouldn't recommend this as a helpful read for most people with an eating disorder.
Lots of food lists and little emotion. It felt as if the author just started telling her story before she had outlined where she wanted to go with it. I wouldn't recommend this book as a helpful read for most people with an eating disorder.
Lots of food lists and little emotion. It felt as if the author just started telling her story before she had outlined where she wanted to go with it. I wouldn't recommend this book as a helpful read for most people with an eating disorder.
August 9, 2017
Mm. I was quite looking forward to this, because the part of me that is still a runner at heart (read: everything except my left knee) wanted to see what a runner brought to the table. I was also curious about Steil's experience with orthorexia, which has gotten increased attention over the past few years but which I haven't read much about.
There's some interesting back-and-forth here as Steil's disorder encourages her to be unhealthily thin but she's also trying to be 'healthier' by following questionable food plans that...aren't doing what she wants them to do. But I had a lot of trouble with the questions at the end of each chapter—they felt like discussion questions for a book club or book report or something, the sort that often come at the end of the entire book. That's not a problem in and of itself; although I've never found those questions to be especially deep, they can be at least interesting. But wrapped up in the contents of the book, it felt rather as though the book was asking the reader to do all the analysis—that it was leading the reader to the answers it wanted about how and why without actually committing to those answers. Sort of feels like the thought's gone into it but not entirely made it onto the page.
There's some interesting back-and-forth here as Steil's disorder encourages her to be unhealthily thin but she's also trying to be 'healthier' by following questionable food plans that...aren't doing what she wants them to do. But I had a lot of trouble with the questions at the end of each chapter—they felt like discussion questions for a book club or book report or something, the sort that often come at the end of the entire book. That's not a problem in and of itself; although I've never found those questions to be especially deep, they can be at least interesting. But wrapped up in the contents of the book, it felt rather as though the book was asking the reader to do all the analysis—that it was leading the reader to the answers it wanted about how and why without actually committing to those answers. Sort of feels like the thought's gone into it but not entirely made it onto the page.
July 29, 2022
Why
This books was God. I like how at the end it asks your opinion on why the characters felt that way and you can learn about yourself too This high school girl has to stop trying all these diets and learns to except herself for her normal weight
This books was God. I like how at the end it asks your opinion on why the characters felt that way and you can learn about yourself too This high school girl has to stop trying all these diets and learns to except herself for her normal weight
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews