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Now I Know It's Not My Fault: A Novel
"Alex is the articulate, first-person narrator of the tale; readers experience her obsession and emotional deconstruction from the inside...[Levine's] deep understanding of 'grooming' behavior...helps her to create a character that jumps off the page." -Kirkus
Alexandra Geller is a bright, underachieving fourteen-year-old coming of age in the big hair 1980’s. Alex is from an accomplished, well-educated family. The sudden death of her mother five years ago, and her relationship with her well-meaning but emotionally unavailable father, leaves her unmoored and vulnerable as she tries to figure out who she is. Early in her freshman year, she’s befriended by Paula Hanover, a young, attractive science teacher at her high school. Paula’s irreverence and charm attracts the attention of the girls, who look up to her, and the boys, who have crushes on her. Alex is thrilled to be chosen by this woman and relishes the feeling of finally “belonging” to a mother figure. Paula’s intentions aren’t so benevolent, as she slowly and carefully draws Alex into a relationship designed to meet her own needs, not Alex’s. Desperate for maternal attention, Alex finds ways to ignore the vague sense that something is wrong. Her compelling story sheds light on a common, but rarely talked about kind of trauma which is subtle, and occurs under the radar.
Alexandra Geller is a bright, underachieving fourteen-year-old coming of age in the big hair 1980’s. Alex is from an accomplished, well-educated family. The sudden death of her mother five years ago, and her relationship with her well-meaning but emotionally unavailable father, leaves her unmoored and vulnerable as she tries to figure out who she is. Early in her freshman year, she’s befriended by Paula Hanover, a young, attractive science teacher at her high school. Paula’s irreverence and charm attracts the attention of the girls, who look up to her, and the boys, who have crushes on her. Alex is thrilled to be chosen by this woman and relishes the feeling of finally “belonging” to a mother figure. Paula’s intentions aren’t so benevolent, as she slowly and carefully draws Alex into a relationship designed to meet her own needs, not Alex’s. Desperate for maternal attention, Alex finds ways to ignore the vague sense that something is wrong. Her compelling story sheds light on a common, but rarely talked about kind of trauma which is subtle, and occurs under the radar.
355 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 24, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
December 16, 2016
Alex’s home life was dysfunctional. Since her mother’s death, her father, while unable to give her the emotional support she needs, is there physically, only. He was only able to focus on her school success, and it was all he had to give. Smart, talented, independent-thinking, Alex’s biggest shield to hide behind was her attitude, but being a young teen floundering without parental guidance or boundaries, she was a prime target for Paula Hanover, science teacher.
Pretty, almost like a teen herself, Paula was almost every student’s idol. For her to give the attention-starved Alex the time of day had Alex grasping for every morsel of maternal attention she gave. Was their relationship healthy or had it crossed the line of propriety? What started as a blessing to Alex soon became a nightmare of reward and punishment as Paula uses her position of trust from Alex to further deplete Alex’s fragile self-respect.
Predators come in all shapes and sizes. Child abuse does, too and while Paula is NOT sexually overt with Alex, she slowly strips this young teen of her sense of self-worth, while creating a more devastating need for parental attention. We send our children to school to be educated in “book learning,” the positive sides of life, the ones most parents try to instill at home, but when a trusted adult undermines a child’s trust for their own sick needs, who will stand up for the child? Who will say, this has gone too far? If we cannot trust an educator, who can we trust? Mental illness comes in all forms, but to expose innocents to an unstable educator, we can only rely on that child having a place to come forward and share. For Alex, there was no place to turn to. Her peers are not equipped to recognize what may be wrong. Further the fear of crying wolf over nothing is a huge deterrent.
Laurie B. Levine tackles an ugly secret and lays bare a raw and despicable relationship preying on a young child in crisis. NOW I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT is a gut churning look at one child and her need for love and attention. Ask yourself, who let her down first? Who is to blame? Who will protect the children? If not all of us, this form of abuse will continue and more children will become victims whose scars may never heal. Well-written, realistic and deeply intricate, Alex lives in a world where she feels like an outcast, a lonely soul lost in a scary world.
Moving, dark and an uncomfortable read, this is the reality of life for many. Keep in mind that abuse is not only sexual, but can be just as devastating if not more. Highly recommended.
I received this copy from Laurie B. Levine in exchange for my honest review.
Publication Date: October 24, 2016
Publisher: Laurie B. Levine
Genre: Coming of Age | Abuse
Print Length: 352 pages
Available from: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
For Reviews & More: http://tometender.blogspot.com
Pretty, almost like a teen herself, Paula was almost every student’s idol. For her to give the attention-starved Alex the time of day had Alex grasping for every morsel of maternal attention she gave. Was their relationship healthy or had it crossed the line of propriety? What started as a blessing to Alex soon became a nightmare of reward and punishment as Paula uses her position of trust from Alex to further deplete Alex’s fragile self-respect.
Predators come in all shapes and sizes. Child abuse does, too and while Paula is NOT sexually overt with Alex, she slowly strips this young teen of her sense of self-worth, while creating a more devastating need for parental attention. We send our children to school to be educated in “book learning,” the positive sides of life, the ones most parents try to instill at home, but when a trusted adult undermines a child’s trust for their own sick needs, who will stand up for the child? Who will say, this has gone too far? If we cannot trust an educator, who can we trust? Mental illness comes in all forms, but to expose innocents to an unstable educator, we can only rely on that child having a place to come forward and share. For Alex, there was no place to turn to. Her peers are not equipped to recognize what may be wrong. Further the fear of crying wolf over nothing is a huge deterrent.
Laurie B. Levine tackles an ugly secret and lays bare a raw and despicable relationship preying on a young child in crisis. NOW I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT is a gut churning look at one child and her need for love and attention. Ask yourself, who let her down first? Who is to blame? Who will protect the children? If not all of us, this form of abuse will continue and more children will become victims whose scars may never heal. Well-written, realistic and deeply intricate, Alex lives in a world where she feels like an outcast, a lonely soul lost in a scary world.
Moving, dark and an uncomfortable read, this is the reality of life for many. Keep in mind that abuse is not only sexual, but can be just as devastating if not more. Highly recommended.
I received this copy from Laurie B. Levine in exchange for my honest review.
Publication Date: October 24, 2016
Publisher: Laurie B. Levine
Genre: Coming of Age | Abuse
Print Length: 352 pages
Available from: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
For Reviews & More: http://tometender.blogspot.com
January 29, 2017
All of my reviews can be found on www.novelgossip.com
Now I Know It’s Not My Fault chronicles three years in the life of Alex Geller, a fairly typical teenage girl living in the mid eighties in Connecticut. Her mother tragically passed away when she was just nine and the absence of a female role model in her life has left a gaping hole that she is desperate to fill. When she starts high school and makes a connection with one of her teachers, she’s thrilled to have finally found someone who really understands her. Her relationship with her father is strained and as she tries to navigate the painful teenage years, she’s confident that she’s found a friend and an ally in Paula Hanover.
From the moment that Alex and Paula meet my radar was pinging and I knew there was something off about the teacher. I wanted to reach through the pages and warn Alex not to get involved with the woman as she just made me uneasy and highly concerned. I’m a thirty five year old woman with life experience though, and it was easy for me to understand why a young and vulnerable girl like Alex was so easily charmed by Paula. Part of Alex’s allure for Paula is her vulnerability, she preyed on her and wanted to be able to easily manipulate her.
The storyline of a female abuser gripped me just as much as it sickened me. Levine has created an identifiable and empathetic character in Alex, I had such a strong urge to protect this fragile girl. As their relationship progresses, Paula’s games increase and she is wildly inappropriate in both her actions and her words with Alex. The whole process was called grooming where an individual uses extreme behaviors in order to get what they want. Think moments of high praise and love one minute and stone cold shutting them out the next. It was very confusing for Alex and allowed Paula to satisfy her own needs and wants with no regard for Alex’s needs.
Levine is a marriage and family therapist with years of experience working with patients who suffer from trauma and abuse and her insights were invaluable and fascinating. While there were moments that were hard and uncomfortable for me to read, I believe the subject matter is highly important and as a parent, it definitely opened my eyes to a horror I had not considered before. I would say this is an important read for teenagers, especially high school girls, it would even make a really good read for parents to read along with their children and it would open up a conversation that could be impactful.
Now I Know It’s Not My Fault chronicles three years in the life of Alex Geller, a fairly typical teenage girl living in the mid eighties in Connecticut. Her mother tragically passed away when she was just nine and the absence of a female role model in her life has left a gaping hole that she is desperate to fill. When she starts high school and makes a connection with one of her teachers, she’s thrilled to have finally found someone who really understands her. Her relationship with her father is strained and as she tries to navigate the painful teenage years, she’s confident that she’s found a friend and an ally in Paula Hanover.
From the moment that Alex and Paula meet my radar was pinging and I knew there was something off about the teacher. I wanted to reach through the pages and warn Alex not to get involved with the woman as she just made me uneasy and highly concerned. I’m a thirty five year old woman with life experience though, and it was easy for me to understand why a young and vulnerable girl like Alex was so easily charmed by Paula. Part of Alex’s allure for Paula is her vulnerability, she preyed on her and wanted to be able to easily manipulate her.
The storyline of a female abuser gripped me just as much as it sickened me. Levine has created an identifiable and empathetic character in Alex, I had such a strong urge to protect this fragile girl. As their relationship progresses, Paula’s games increase and she is wildly inappropriate in both her actions and her words with Alex. The whole process was called grooming where an individual uses extreme behaviors in order to get what they want. Think moments of high praise and love one minute and stone cold shutting them out the next. It was very confusing for Alex and allowed Paula to satisfy her own needs and wants with no regard for Alex’s needs.
Levine is a marriage and family therapist with years of experience working with patients who suffer from trauma and abuse and her insights were invaluable and fascinating. While there were moments that were hard and uncomfortable for me to read, I believe the subject matter is highly important and as a parent, it definitely opened my eyes to a horror I had not considered before. I would say this is an important read for teenagers, especially high school girls, it would even make a really good read for parents to read along with their children and it would open up a conversation that could be impactful.
January 4, 2017
You know I'm not one to sugar coat a review, so don't expect me to change that in 2017. I'm just going to get my issues out right at the front: the cover doesn't pull you in, the time setting of the 80's is outdated and makes the book feel like it isn't relative to modern times I'm a stickler and I found a few grammar errors that make the book feel like it got the quick edit and made it distracting for me.
But if you can get past that, the story is really compelling. We have Alex, who is going through high school and she's got a lot of home issues she's battling at the same time. I'll tell you I picked this book because the premise of a girl having a mother who has passed away and an unemotional father is something that my kids almost could identify with. Reading this was straight up scary because you realize that some children are basically targets for predators of all kinds, and it doesn't necessarily mean a sexual relationship. This book explores the world of emotional and mental manipulation and what that can do to a child who is desperate for positive attention.
It's immediately obvious that the teacher, Paula, is inappropriate towards students and looks to more of a friend rather an authority figure. She wants to be seen as cool versus there to further their education. She seemingly can pick out the students who need the "extra" attention and she is a classic groomer of these kids for not just her abuse, but sets them up for a future of abusive relationships. Just like other books that explore the sometimes abuse between children and an authority figure, so many in Alex's life essentially fail her and she's forced to stick up for herself, hard for even adults to do. The book is around 330 pages, but I didn't find it to be a quick read. For me it was easy to put down and pick something else up, but then I'd come back to this one because I wanted to know what was going to happen with Alex. Overall, I would give this book 3/5 stars.
*Received a copy of this book for an honest review
But if you can get past that, the story is really compelling. We have Alex, who is going through high school and she's got a lot of home issues she's battling at the same time. I'll tell you I picked this book because the premise of a girl having a mother who has passed away and an unemotional father is something that my kids almost could identify with. Reading this was straight up scary because you realize that some children are basically targets for predators of all kinds, and it doesn't necessarily mean a sexual relationship. This book explores the world of emotional and mental manipulation and what that can do to a child who is desperate for positive attention.
It's immediately obvious that the teacher, Paula, is inappropriate towards students and looks to more of a friend rather an authority figure. She wants to be seen as cool versus there to further their education. She seemingly can pick out the students who need the "extra" attention and she is a classic groomer of these kids for not just her abuse, but sets them up for a future of abusive relationships. Just like other books that explore the sometimes abuse between children and an authority figure, so many in Alex's life essentially fail her and she's forced to stick up for herself, hard for even adults to do. The book is around 330 pages, but I didn't find it to be a quick read. For me it was easy to put down and pick something else up, but then I'd come back to this one because I wanted to know what was going to happen with Alex. Overall, I would give this book 3/5 stars.
*Received a copy of this book for an honest review
February 12, 2017
(3.5)
Wow, I have a lot of feelings and opinions on this book. I better start off with the writing. What had me knocking down stars in regards to my rating was the writing because it was not good at all. I don't think the book went through any sort of editing process, and if it did go through any editing, it was by the author and not any sort of hired editor, which this book needed desperately. The writing seemed juvenile and very underdeveloped, and the bad writing kept pulling me out of the story.
Something that does not normally bother me, bothered the heck out of me with this book. There were a lot of cuss words in this book. This normally does not bother me, as I said before, but there was a severe overabundance of cuss words used in this novel in really unnecessary places. Sometimes I could see how the characters could be using those words to express the situation, but most of the time they just seemed out of place and pulled me out of the story.
I also have this pet peeve in regards to books in which some variation of "I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding" is used. Normally, it does not bother me a ton because most YA novels only have it in there once or twice. This book, however, had it in there at least 6 or 7 times. I started keeping track of the amount of times it was used because it became extremely overused very fast. It was on the very first page, and that just made me think I would not like the book because it was a sign that the writing would be that bad.
Now the writing in the beginning is definitely different than the writing at the middle and end of the book. Laurie's writing really improved as the book went along, even if it was still pretty bad. There were a lot of grammar mistakes and bad story structure, and just in general bad story telling. The writing is 75% why I continue to read a book, and if the book is not well written, I don't normally finish it. But this book was different because I still wanted to see how the story would end, even with the bad writing. And that is because of the story line.
The story line of the story is what kept me going in finishing this book. I really enjoyed learning about this trauma bond that played out, and we got to see it from start to finish. I think the trauma bond was super accurate, and it was just well done in the novel. I think I learned a lot about the trauma bond, and how it does really occur under the radar. In fact, during some of the more traumatic parts of the book, I had tears in my eyes because I felt Alex's pain and I also felt how wrong it was for Paula to do that to her for no good reason. It made me angry that she would take advantage of Alex, so the emotional tie to the story was extremely accurate to the story as well, and I really enjoyed learning about that and reading that, even if it did break my heart.
If I were to rate them individually, I would give the writing a 3/5 stars, and the story line itself 4-4.5/5 stars. The story line was great, but the writing needs a lot of work. Overall, I do think I enjoyed this, even if I did have a lot of problems with the writing. It was still a powerful story, and I am glad I got the chance to read it!
Wow, I have a lot of feelings and opinions on this book. I better start off with the writing. What had me knocking down stars in regards to my rating was the writing because it was not good at all. I don't think the book went through any sort of editing process, and if it did go through any editing, it was by the author and not any sort of hired editor, which this book needed desperately. The writing seemed juvenile and very underdeveloped, and the bad writing kept pulling me out of the story.
Something that does not normally bother me, bothered the heck out of me with this book. There were a lot of cuss words in this book. This normally does not bother me, as I said before, but there was a severe overabundance of cuss words used in this novel in really unnecessary places. Sometimes I could see how the characters could be using those words to express the situation, but most of the time they just seemed out of place and pulled me out of the story.
I also have this pet peeve in regards to books in which some variation of "I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding" is used. Normally, it does not bother me a ton because most YA novels only have it in there once or twice. This book, however, had it in there at least 6 or 7 times. I started keeping track of the amount of times it was used because it became extremely overused very fast. It was on the very first page, and that just made me think I would not like the book because it was a sign that the writing would be that bad.
Now the writing in the beginning is definitely different than the writing at the middle and end of the book. Laurie's writing really improved as the book went along, even if it was still pretty bad. There were a lot of grammar mistakes and bad story structure, and just in general bad story telling. The writing is 75% why I continue to read a book, and if the book is not well written, I don't normally finish it. But this book was different because I still wanted to see how the story would end, even with the bad writing. And that is because of the story line.
The story line of the story is what kept me going in finishing this book. I really enjoyed learning about this trauma bond that played out, and we got to see it from start to finish. I think the trauma bond was super accurate, and it was just well done in the novel. I think I learned a lot about the trauma bond, and how it does really occur under the radar. In fact, during some of the more traumatic parts of the book, I had tears in my eyes because I felt Alex's pain and I also felt how wrong it was for Paula to do that to her for no good reason. It made me angry that she would take advantage of Alex, so the emotional tie to the story was extremely accurate to the story as well, and I really enjoyed learning about that and reading that, even if it did break my heart.
If I were to rate them individually, I would give the writing a 3/5 stars, and the story line itself 4-4.5/5 stars. The story line was great, but the writing needs a lot of work. Overall, I do think I enjoyed this, even if I did have a lot of problems with the writing. It was still a powerful story, and I am glad I got the chance to read it!
June 4, 2018
The topic of this novel was interesting. The way the author showed a student-teacher relationship was different than the way most relationships of that nature are shown. And while I understand that she had to stretch the storyline over a few years to really develop the relationship, some parts of the novel seemed to drag on.
March 23, 2017
I liked the book, but I found myself skipping ahead. I would give it a 3 , not the best book I've ever read, but not the worst either.
March 3, 2017
This is a touching and memorable book about physical, emotional and psychological abuse suffered by a girl under the hands of a selfish and expert manipulator. More than that, the book displays the needs of a teenager to belong, to be understood and to be encouraged.
Moreover, the book depicts the effects of callous and unmindful criticisms to a teenager especially by a father who is supposed to be supportive and accepting. It portrays how emotionally damaging an expression of disappointment can be to a child who is trying to find her place in the world.
The book is written in conversational tone and easy to read. The dialogues are very realistic especially between teenagers like Alex and Amber, Alex and Adam and Alex and Sandra.
However, I noticed several errors (typos, missing words) within the book. Though they did not deter me from fully enjoying the story, they were an unwelcome distraction.
Moreover, the book depicts the effects of callous and unmindful criticisms to a teenager especially by a father who is supposed to be supportive and accepting. It portrays how emotionally damaging an expression of disappointment can be to a child who is trying to find her place in the world.
The book is written in conversational tone and easy to read. The dialogues are very realistic especially between teenagers like Alex and Amber, Alex and Adam and Alex and Sandra.
However, I noticed several errors (typos, missing words) within the book. Though they did not deter me from fully enjoying the story, they were an unwelcome distraction.
February 6, 2017
I got this book from a giveaway I won.
This book is definitely very unique in the type of abuse it addresses and how it does it. Personally, I've never read a book quite like this one, and I think it is an important book for people to read, especially parents and teenagers, if only to recognize this kind of toxic relationship, and how easy it is to rationalize it.
However, there were quite a few issues I had with the book that made me rate it lower than I would have liked. Namely, there were a lot of editing mistakes that jumped out at me, like missing words, or typos and grammar mistakes (due to typos or incorrect corrections). The way the book was formatted was also a little jarring, such as no real symbol to show a skip in time or setting. The writing was also a bit redundant in the use of phrasing, and got a bit tiring after a while.
Overall, I would recommend this book to people based on its subject, and the subtle lapse into abuse.
This book is definitely very unique in the type of abuse it addresses and how it does it. Personally, I've never read a book quite like this one, and I think it is an important book for people to read, especially parents and teenagers, if only to recognize this kind of toxic relationship, and how easy it is to rationalize it.
However, there were quite a few issues I had with the book that made me rate it lower than I would have liked. Namely, there were a lot of editing mistakes that jumped out at me, like missing words, or typos and grammar mistakes (due to typos or incorrect corrections). The way the book was formatted was also a little jarring, such as no real symbol to show a skip in time or setting. The writing was also a bit redundant in the use of phrasing, and got a bit tiring after a while.
Overall, I would recommend this book to people based on its subject, and the subtle lapse into abuse.
February 6, 2017
This is a pretty good book. It was not a quick read for me as sometimes it was a just a little monotonous for me. Once I was near the end of the story, I better understood the reason for that. The story is a good one and one that needs to be told over and over. It also makes you consider the relationship your child has with his/her teachers.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews