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Parenting in the Eye of the Storm
Describing the essential skills you need to help your adopted teen to confidently face the challenges of growing up, adult adoptee and family therapist Katie Naftzger shares her personal and professional wisdom. She outlines four key goals for adoptive parents:
· To move from rescuing to responding
· To set adoption-sensitive limits and ground rules
· To have connecting conversations
· To help your teen to envision their future
Guide For Adoptive Parents in the Teen Years contains invaluable insights for adoptive parents with simple strategies you can use to prepare your adopted teen for the journey ahead and strengthen the family bond in the process.
· To move from rescuing to responding
· To set adoption-sensitive limits and ground rules
· To have connecting conversations
· To help your teen to envision their future
Guide For Adoptive Parents in the Teen Years contains invaluable insights for adoptive parents with simple strategies you can use to prepare your adopted teen for the journey ahead and strengthen the family bond in the process.
160 pages, Paperback
Published March 21, 2017
27 people are currently reading
239 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
December 30, 2017
Many of the scenarios in this book describing adopted teens struggling inwardly and outwardly with issues such as identity, belonging, confusion, anger, and respect reminded me of my own tumultuous adolescence. Parenting is a tough job, but parenting an adopted teen brings with it certain unique challenges. Katie delivers clear and practical parenting strategies based upon years of clinical practice as well as her own personal experience as an adoptee to help parents navigate through these challenges. Parents will learn skills that build sensitivity, empathy, respect, and connection to their teen while increasing their ability to set “adoption-sensitive” limits. Parents, adoptive and non-adoptive, will find this book a valuable resource as they strive to teach their teen responsibility in such a way that empowers rather than shames. I only wish that my parents had had a copy when I was teen!
May 21, 2023
"Parenting in the Eye of the Storm" by Katie Naftziger, LICSW has written a readable and practical book. Katie is both a therapist and a transracial adoptee originally from Korea. Her book, subtitled, “The Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Navigating the Teen Years,” offers insight, encouragement, and strategies for families. Adam Pertman, President and CEO of the National Center on Adoption and Permanency in his introduction to the book, opines, “Why wasn’t it [Katie’s book] around when my wife and I needed it? No Joke.”
I experienced a similar sentiment while reading it. While this book is widely applauded by seasoned professionals, adult adoptees also chime in to praise Katie’s book. Their perspective speaks volumes to me; who understands adoption better than the adoptees that are living it? As an adoption coach and a parent whose family weathered some extremely turbulent times, I can also add my voice to those who say that Katie has created an important book.
If you are parenting teens now, or will be in the future, this book offers a welcome resource for navigating the challenges of this stage of parenting. If your children are younger, begin now to master the skills she outlines. It just may smooth the path ahead for you and your child. Overwhelmed parents will appreciate both her clarity and practicality and also her brevity. Katie conveys her insights and strategies concisely. "Parenting in the Eye of the Storm" packs a lot of value into 160 pages. This is a book that parents will refer to again and again.
Among several premises presented in the book, Katie suggests that adoptive parents need to master four skills:
+“UNRESCUING” your adoptive teen [Are you exhausted from being expected to be the EMT to the rescue at a moment's notice? Want to nurture your teen's capabilities–for their sake and yours? If so, this skill will interest you.]
+Setting adoption-sensitive limits [Because you’re committed to Adoption attunement and are trauma-informed, do you struggle to balance empathy with accountability, responsibility, and respect? If so, this skill will interest you.]
+Having connected conversations [Do you struggle to have conversations that create intimacy instead of eye rolls and annoyance? If so, this skill will interest you.]
+Helping your teen envision their future [Do you sense that both you and your teen have some ambivalence about their “fledging the nest”? Does the history of grief and loss which has touched the family color your thoughts, beliefs, and concerns–consciously or unconsciously? If so, this concept will interest you.
Do you see a pattern here? Katie understands what adoptees and their families are facing. She’s been there. Her insights offer hope and compassion, not judgment. She presents her ideas in an inviting and approachable way. She’s not looking to scapegoat or criticize, she’s committed to increasing capabilities, awareness, and nurturing healthy families.
Respect and loving boundaries are an integral part of the structure of a steady family. Ironically, parents sensitized to adoptee losses and triggers, many times flounder in their ability to establish these important guard rails. The sample conversations offer insight and ideas on how to master this skill. The dialogs feel natural, not rehearsed or overly contrived. They sound like words parents might actually speak and teens might actually “hear.”
Naftziger also highlights the importance of parents nurturing the natural inclinations and talents of their adopted children. We all know kids “listen to” and learn more from our examples than our lectures. In the absence of direct information to the contrary, our kids may infer that the only acceptable future for them is one that mimics their adoptive parents’ path. This can create a significant double bind for them, especially if they’ve been adopted into a family whose talents and past patterns diverge from the innate talents and inclinations of the adoptee. If a family whose highest passion is sports adopts a child who inclines to the cerebral and abstract, there is a danger the child will feel that he can never meet the expectations of his parents. Even worse, he may never feel permitted to become his authentic self.
Naftziger asks adoptive parents to examine how well they are helping their child identify their innate talents and how clearly are they encouraging and valuing those aptitudes. We want our kids to know that we love and accept them for themselves, not for some cartoon imitation of an idealized parental fantasy.
Think back to when we were teens struggling to figure out how to carve a future for ourselves. Imagine how much harder it would have been if our parents insisted–overtly or covertly–that even though we had zero interest in mathematics, we had to become an actuary–or some similar disconnect between our talents and our parents' plans. It is certainly a parent’s duty to encourage children to plan for the future and work to bring that future to fruition. We must ensure that our child’s dream is genuinely their dream and not their interpretation of what they believe our dream for them is.
We often talk about being sure to take the time to care for yourself and your relationship with your partner. This book just might be a significant part of that self-care. Check out "Parenting in the Eye of the Storm" I believe you and your teen will be glad that you did. Marshall all your resources to prepare you for the parenting task at hand. The more prepared you feel, the easier it will be to stay calm and Intentional in the midst of the storm.
In addition to reading pertinent books, attending workshops and chatting with other adoptive parents, partner with a an adoption coach (like Growing Intentional Families Together) and/or an adoption therapist. --Gayle H. Swift, "ABC, Adoption & Me;" "Reimagining Adoption" and "We're Adopted, So What?"
I experienced a similar sentiment while reading it. While this book is widely applauded by seasoned professionals, adult adoptees also chime in to praise Katie’s book. Their perspective speaks volumes to me; who understands adoption better than the adoptees that are living it? As an adoption coach and a parent whose family weathered some extremely turbulent times, I can also add my voice to those who say that Katie has created an important book.
If you are parenting teens now, or will be in the future, this book offers a welcome resource for navigating the challenges of this stage of parenting. If your children are younger, begin now to master the skills she outlines. It just may smooth the path ahead for you and your child. Overwhelmed parents will appreciate both her clarity and practicality and also her brevity. Katie conveys her insights and strategies concisely. "Parenting in the Eye of the Storm" packs a lot of value into 160 pages. This is a book that parents will refer to again and again.
Among several premises presented in the book, Katie suggests that adoptive parents need to master four skills:
+“UNRESCUING” your adoptive teen [Are you exhausted from being expected to be the EMT to the rescue at a moment's notice? Want to nurture your teen's capabilities–for their sake and yours? If so, this skill will interest you.]
+Setting adoption-sensitive limits [Because you’re committed to Adoption attunement and are trauma-informed, do you struggle to balance empathy with accountability, responsibility, and respect? If so, this skill will interest you.]
+Having connected conversations [Do you struggle to have conversations that create intimacy instead of eye rolls and annoyance? If so, this skill will interest you.]
+Helping your teen envision their future [Do you sense that both you and your teen have some ambivalence about their “fledging the nest”? Does the history of grief and loss which has touched the family color your thoughts, beliefs, and concerns–consciously or unconsciously? If so, this concept will interest you.
Do you see a pattern here? Katie understands what adoptees and their families are facing. She’s been there. Her insights offer hope and compassion, not judgment. She presents her ideas in an inviting and approachable way. She’s not looking to scapegoat or criticize, she’s committed to increasing capabilities, awareness, and nurturing healthy families.
Respect and loving boundaries are an integral part of the structure of a steady family. Ironically, parents sensitized to adoptee losses and triggers, many times flounder in their ability to establish these important guard rails. The sample conversations offer insight and ideas on how to master this skill. The dialogs feel natural, not rehearsed or overly contrived. They sound like words parents might actually speak and teens might actually “hear.”
Naftziger also highlights the importance of parents nurturing the natural inclinations and talents of their adopted children. We all know kids “listen to” and learn more from our examples than our lectures. In the absence of direct information to the contrary, our kids may infer that the only acceptable future for them is one that mimics their adoptive parents’ path. This can create a significant double bind for them, especially if they’ve been adopted into a family whose talents and past patterns diverge from the innate talents and inclinations of the adoptee. If a family whose highest passion is sports adopts a child who inclines to the cerebral and abstract, there is a danger the child will feel that he can never meet the expectations of his parents. Even worse, he may never feel permitted to become his authentic self.
Naftziger asks adoptive parents to examine how well they are helping their child identify their innate talents and how clearly are they encouraging and valuing those aptitudes. We want our kids to know that we love and accept them for themselves, not for some cartoon imitation of an idealized parental fantasy.
Think back to when we were teens struggling to figure out how to carve a future for ourselves. Imagine how much harder it would have been if our parents insisted–overtly or covertly–that even though we had zero interest in mathematics, we had to become an actuary–or some similar disconnect between our talents and our parents' plans. It is certainly a parent’s duty to encourage children to plan for the future and work to bring that future to fruition. We must ensure that our child’s dream is genuinely their dream and not their interpretation of what they believe our dream for them is.
We often talk about being sure to take the time to care for yourself and your relationship with your partner. This book just might be a significant part of that self-care. Check out "Parenting in the Eye of the Storm" I believe you and your teen will be glad that you did. Marshall all your resources to prepare you for the parenting task at hand. The more prepared you feel, the easier it will be to stay calm and Intentional in the midst of the storm.
In addition to reading pertinent books, attending workshops and chatting with other adoptive parents, partner with a an adoption coach (like Growing Intentional Families Together) and/or an adoption therapist. --Gayle H. Swift, "ABC, Adoption & Me;" "Reimagining Adoption" and "We're Adopted, So What?"
May 1, 2018
This book was not what I expected. For readers who are familiar who Karyn Purvis' work with TBRI and her book The Connected Child, this book is not like that. It is written from a clinician's perspective when a parent is coming to a psychologist or therapist to talk about troubling behavior in their adopted teen. It assumes that the parent has been parenting has been the caregiver of the child for many years and that they have a functioning relationship. Many of the examples seem to imply that the parents function as if their kid is not adopted and that their adoption is manifesting itself for the first time. There is little advice in this book for parents adopting older children. The highlight of the book and the only concretely useful portion was the section on the different types of loss experienced by adopted children. I found that very insightful and applicable to my own life from having a relationship with only one of my parents. Overall, I would not recommend for parents adopting older children.
November 13, 2018
I belong to a few FB pages related to adoption and adoption parenting (especially transracial/international adoption). The author herself, Katie Naftzger who is an adult Korean adoptee as well as a psychotherapist and adoption specialist, saw one of my posts and recommended her book in reply to a question I had asked. I’m so glad I had the chance to read this as I found myself highlighting lots of sections which really resonated with me...either descriptions of feelings my teen might be experiencing or parenting tips that I will be attempting to incorporate.
As a WAP (white adoptive parent) I know it is my responsibility to support and guide my child as well as to provide her with safe and unconditional love. Parenting isn’t easy but neither is growing up as a POC with white parents in a country that she was not meant to grow up in. This book was very informative and helpful...now it’s up to me to put it to good use.
If you are an adoptive parent of a teenager I highly recommend reading this book...it makes a lot of sense and may help you to help your child.
As a WAP (white adoptive parent) I know it is my responsibility to support and guide my child as well as to provide her with safe and unconditional love. Parenting isn’t easy but neither is growing up as a POC with white parents in a country that she was not meant to grow up in. This book was very informative and helpful...now it’s up to me to put it to good use.
If you are an adoptive parent of a teenager I highly recommend reading this book...it makes a lot of sense and may help you to help your child.
July 19, 2022
Simply outstanding. I want to say this is the best book about parenting through adoption that I have ever read. It is neither rainbows and unicorns nor doom and gloom, but rather both honest and hopeful. (Too many books camp in one extreme or the other, in my experience.) I will certainly read and reference this one again.
The author is a Korean-born adoptee and psychologist, and as some of my friends might like to know, there is no indication that she is a christian. She honestly addresses the real struggles of being adopted, condensed into "8 losses", and shares 4 specific "parenting skills to develop." Sixteen years into the parenting-via-adoption journey, I find the losses to be accurate and the skills to be relevant, wise, and both helpful and encouraging.
I really can't recommend it highly enough.
The author is a Korean-born adoptee and psychologist, and as some of my friends might like to know, there is no indication that she is a christian. She honestly addresses the real struggles of being adopted, condensed into "8 losses", and shares 4 specific "parenting skills to develop." Sixteen years into the parenting-via-adoption journey, I find the losses to be accurate and the skills to be relevant, wise, and both helpful and encouraging.
I really can't recommend it highly enough.
March 13, 2022
Told through anecdotes from both the author’s personal life as an adoptee & as a clinician, this book offers examples and practical advice for parents of adopted teens. It is less heavy on the psychology and research and some other books, but very straightforward and helpful. A big difference between this book and others is the authors acknowledgment of race as a compounding factor in an adopted teens development. I have found that white authors love to ignore and glossed over this and rely on the “love + behavioral strategy is enough“ narrative, so really appreciate this book and recommend 100%.
October 17, 2020
A must-read for any adoptive parent of a teenager. This book helped me to understand all of the very confusing and frightening behaviors that our 13-year old,Korean-born, daughter has been displaying. I’m sure that I will return to this book again and again. The author has also provided an extensive list of reading and resources at the end. I cannot recommend this book enough.
February 14, 2022
Absolutely essential reading for any adoptive parent. The author is an adult adoptee and therapist with years of experience helping families navigate the many nuances of adoption/being adopted. There are case examples and lots of practical guidance for us to follow in this slim volume. Have your highlighter ready.
December 7, 2023
A necessary read ... and a read to return to again and again as the challenges shift in parenting.
March 29, 2017
Great book. Good one to re-read on a regular basis.
June 14, 2017
I am recommending this book to every adoptive family I know. It's an easy read and has lots of practical advice on common teen problems. Just as advice used by families with biologicical babies and toddlers is not always best for adoptive families, Katie explains why common cultural approaches to teen issues and behavior may also not be the best approach with adopted teens. Great book and perfect timing for our family.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews