Strengths Based Marriage: Build a Stronger Relationship by Understanding Each Other's Gifts

by Jimmy Evans, Allan Kelsey

Marriage expert Jimmy Evans and strengths expert Allan Kelsey show readers how to have a happier, stronger marriage by applying the concepts from the popular StrengthsFinder assessment to their relationship.

One of the biggest obstacles to a happy, strong marriage is a lack of understanding of yourself and your spouse. With Strengths Based Marriage, MarriageToday cofounder Jimmy Evans and Gallup-trained strengths advocate Allan Kelsey give readers the tools they need to dismantle that hurdle and develop a deeper and richer relationship. Applying the revelatory concepts from the popular Clifton StrengthsFinder assessment to marriage (assessment itself not included in purchase price), Evans and Kelsey break new ground in helping readers understand themselves and others. With chapters on “Stopping the Cycles of Pain,” “Speaking Love to Your Spouse’s Heart,” and “Secrets of Successful Marriages,” the book details practical ways to apply these profound insights to your marriage every day.

And, as a bonus, with your purchase of the book you’ll receive access to more than two hours of exclusive video content revealing how to reach your marriage’s full potential. In the exclusive bonus video sessions,

Kelsey gives an overview of all thirty-four strengths in the Clifton StrengthsFinder® assessment;Evans shares inspiration for ending the cycle of hurt and beginning to heal as a couple; andthe authors discuss how to overcome the heartache of a destructive marriage.Utterly practical and deeply insightful Strengths Based Marriage will forever change the way you see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Christian, Family, Audiobook

186 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 22, 2016

Reviews

[Lauren Reeder · Rating 3 out of 5]

My husband and I read this book for a small group so we also took the Strengths Assessment test. Liked the book, LOVED the small group! If you’re familiar with Jimmy Evans, you’ll know most of the stories he shares. I wish the authors dove deeper into detail. That being said, it brought out some awesome discussions and I love reframing how you think and see those around you. It definitely helped Justin and I understand that our brains work differently, and that’s okay! God created us as individuals, but together we can really shine!

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Strength Based Marriage: Build A Stronger Relationship by Understanding Each Other's Gifts, is broken up into 4 sections; Introduction to Strengths, Stopping the Cycles of Pain, Speaking Love to Your Spouse's Heart and Secrets of Successful Marriages. Each section is then broken down into several chapters that speak about the topic.

Section 1 discusses what strengths are and the background of the subject. Section 2 focuses on how to remove pain in your marriage and how to heal. Section 3 discusses topics such as successful communication, the 5 essential elements of communication in marriage and speaks about romance in marriage. Section 4 focuses giving the "secrets" to marriage including the secret to a great marriage, a strong marriage, a happy marriage, a dream marriage and a passionate marriage.

At the end of each chapter, there are activities and questions for you and your spouse to answer and discuss together after reading the chapter, which I find adds to what people tend to get out of self-help books. Participating in an activity after reading something can help some people to better understand the concept and actually apply it to their life. There is also a variety of scripture throughout the chapters where it applies to the topic of that chapter or section.

Overall, I thought it was a fairly interesting book regarding marriage and I believe would certainly be useful for married couples who were having difficulty in the area of communication, as long as your spouse is willing to participate in the activities and the questions at the end of each chapters, I imagine it could be quite helpful. Personally, I don't think this book would be very helpful for me after reading it on my own, as I dated my husband for 7 years before we got married so I already know what his strengths and weaknesses are. So I would say that I believe this book would be more useful for newer couples or couples who got married after only a few years.

Thank you to the publisher for sending me a review copy of this book.

[Taryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love StrengthFinders and Strengths Based Leadership, so naturally I had to pick this book up. Unfortunately, I was disappointed.

I was expecting chapters like in Strengths Based Leadership explaining how to best love and encourage your spouse based on their (and your) strengths. Instead I just got a lot of stories of the authors and their wives and how their Achiever and Relator Strengths came into conflict. Over and over and over again.

It was basic marriage advice with the Strengths of them and their spouses thrown in. If you're an Achiever with a more Relator spouse, maybe you'll find a lot of value in the book. Otherwise it's just basic marriage advice with some trademarked words in it.

[Dean · Rating 2 out of 5]

Strengths Based Marriage is heavily influenced by the StrengthsFinder assessment, which unbelievably does not come with a copy of the book. Using this assessment, Strengths Based Marriage proposes that marriages can grow and flourish if each partner is aware of each others strengths and is pursuing each person to pursue these strengths in the relationship.
One aspect I appreciated was the heavy focus on recognizing and valuing each partner as being different and unique. Although this seems pretty basic, I think it is still a helpful reminder that our partners can have very different abilities and interests and these can be motivated by how we approach the world, and this is actually very normal and good!
In light of this, there is a discussion about the "shadow side" of strengths, which are false explanations for why a strength might be bad, such as someone who values punctuality is not able to be spontaneous. We might undermine someone else's strength merely because it is different from our own or we just don't understand it, and we might judge them harshly for their strengths. I appreciated this discussion in the book.
Lastly there is a ridiculous number of trademarked words in this book. Be aware.

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am a huge fan of the Strengths-Finders assessment, so I assumed that I would love this book (especially because I got it for sale on Kindle).
That being said, I was super disappointed in the book for a number of reasons. There was NOTHING in the book specifically about Strengths Finder or how the different strengths interacted with each other - everything regarding that was referenced only in regards to the author's own experiences, and recommending you take the Strengths Finder test. If you hadn't done that, this book would not be worth the while.
Secondly, I hoped this book would make a strong case for egalitarian marriage based on working from your strengths - but there was a lot in this book about the 'basic needs' of men and women - with one of the needs of women as "being led" and one of men being "domestic needs met." Seriously? The only way the book redeemed itself was that strengths expert (not Jimmy Evans) talked about moving away from traditional gender roles and working from strengths - but it seemed a little bit contradictory to what was previously mentioned.
Overall, this book could have been great, but was disappointing!

[Brooks Lemmon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was surprised by this book! I was a little unsure what it would look like to bring the Clifton Strengths assessment into a marriage relationship since it is primarily for team and workplace dynamics, but I’m sold now!

I’ll get vulnerable for a second. I really struggle with giving words of affirmation. I sometimes have a hard time picking out words to use to affirm and encourage my fiancé. I want to say the right things, but I get all caught up in my head and then sometimes don’t say anything. This book teaches the reader how to take your spouse’s God-given strengths and use them in the relationship. I now have a better understanding of how to see the things she does and acknowledge that not many other people can do them that way. This naturally will lead to giving affirmation!

There was also an interesting chapter about how our strengths affect your sexual intimacy with your spouse. I’m still not sure how I feel about that part, but I guess I’ll find out after the wedding!

[Trey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I give the CliftonStrengths assessment a solid 9/10 in its ability to provide an easily accessible tool to understanding the strengths of yourself and others. The assessment alone provides a good amount of literature on breaking down your strengths and what they mean. Very useful report!

While this book did provide some introspective marriage and strength focused challenges, it didn’t give as many tangible tips/actions to apply to daily life as I would have liked.

[Jasmine's · Rating 3 out of 5]

To get the best out of this book you need to pay to do a test to find out yours and your partners strengths.

[JessicaLynneLuv · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good tool in the toolbox of interventions for building a strong and lasting marriage.

[George Nash · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is intended to be used along side the Clifton strength finder that is provided by Gallop. This is a classification test that is similar to the myers-brigs test. You are give a series of questions with very limited amount of time to answer each question. After the test is done you are provided with your 5 strengths as well as all of your other strengths and weaknesses. The cost of the Clifton strength test varies. depending on if you only want your 5 strengths vs all 34 attributes ranked from strongest to weakest. I feel the test would give slightly different results depending on what day it is taken the results feel accurate enough. It is not cheap; at the time of writing, the test is almost $100 for the full 34 results. $40 for the top 5 strengths.

I have taken the test but my wife has not. I read this book before I was going to consider having her take the test. Due to the expense. You better be a Christian with Belief high in the strengths. This book was more about preaching than it was about talking about the strengths assessment and how it can be used to improve your marriage.

I have read a lot of marriage and relationship books and this is close to one of the least satisfying books I have read on the subject. Probably because I am no longer Christian and don't find comfort or guidance from sermons. Its possible that the advice was really great but it was so colored by a religious slant that I had a hard time with the book.

If you really want a book that will help your marriage then the books from the Gottman institute are so much better. Things like "The 7 principles for making marriage work" or many others published by Gottman institute. The Gottman books are based by years-and-years of research and don't have a religious slant.

I was really disappointed by this book. I was pleased by the results of the Clifton Strengths finder test and thought this book would give me more insight into things that could strengthen my marriage. It didn't. May still have my wife do the Strengths finder test but I don't think I cold stand reading this book again.

[Kristina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’ve read several Christian marriage books recently, and many over the course of my marriage. Strengths Based Marriage was not worth the time. This book is almost completely reliant on the reader’s participation in a detailed StrengthsFinder assessment, which is expensive and not provided at all with this book. The authors also heavily encourage the reader’s spouse to take this assessment and for comparison of their lists of strengths and weaknesses. I do think it is possible to take some things from this book without completing the assessment, but overall I would recommend another book in lieu of this for anyone looking for Christian marriage advice. I’m ultimately leaving this book feeling like I just listened to a four hour long advertisement for this assessment.

I loved The Four Laws of Love by Jimmy Evans and would highly recommend that book, especially over this one. While that title focuses on marriage through the lens of Genesis, the same exact points and marriage principles(and then some) are shared as those in this book.

[Amanda C · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating: ★★★☆☆ (3/5)

"Strengths Based Marriage" is a quick and easy read with practical ideas for couples facing challenges. The book heavily relies on the Clifton strengths test, so if you don't want to pay for each person to take the test, it might not be the best fit.

The book offers clear-cut strategies and relatable anecdotes to help struggling couples. However, the reliance on the strengths test can be a barrier for readers who can't or don't want to invest in it. Despite this, "Strengths Based Marriage" provides solid advice and is worth a read for those looking to strengthen their relationship.

[Amanda · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked one half of this author duo: the content focused on knowing your StrengthsFinder profile and your partner’s. The other half, the “marriage expert,” lost me when he said, “the primary need of men beyond love is respect and of women beyond love is security” and “little girls and women need to know they’re going to be nurtured, cared for, and protected by a selfless, sacrificial man”. No, for so many reasons. And for a book published in 2016 (vs 1961), especially no.

[Allie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ehhh. Strengths Finder is the best- incredibly insightful, tangible and both encouraging and challenging. I found this one more anecdotal. It mostly comprised of stories of couples with opposite strengths, which I appreciate, but gave nothing to do with those strengths or frictions.

More of a here's a story and here's their solution. Unless you directly related to the stories told, this book doesn't provide much of what I was looking for.

[Travis · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you like the strength finders stuff this is good. I do enjoy strength finders so seeing differences in spouses and my strength and my wife strength it was good to compare and talk through these things. Even for the one that talks about sex. An achiever would just want to get the task done. So if husband is achiever and wife is not you got an issue ：）

[Lydia Gunter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book if you are familiar with the Gallup Strengths test. A great reminder that just because your spouse thinks differently than you do, or has different priorities, does not mean they are wrong. You complete someone by being different from them, not the same!
The only thing I questioned was some of the specifics ways they said to respect your husband. I felt like each person is different.

[KC Planck · Rating 3 out of 5]

Extremely dry! Unless you have a strengths coach and BOTH your partner and you have taken the $89.99 (each) this book doesn't do much for the relationship, let alone do anything to innately strengthen it

[Kristi Hines · Rating 1 out of 5]

You have to pay 49.99 just to take a test to then use this book to understand your test results. Bummer!! I wished known that or I wouldn’t have bought the book. Thank goodness it was super cheap to buy.

[Jon Barr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting! Looking at how the results of the Clifton StrengthsFinder can shed light on your marriage. I especially like the way they talked about how misinterpretation can make others think our strengths are negative things.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

After my husband and I took a Strengthfinder's quiz, I enjoyed reading more about how our strengths play off one another. It was an easy read with interesting ways to see how spouses can compliment one another in their differences from a Christian worldview.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

meyer briggs test... to know self, and to know how to communicate better with spouse

[Mark Radacz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book, definitely worth a second read!

[Ashleigh P · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Very interesting information when relating to others - especially your spouse. I highly recommend this title to all who are married of thinking about getting married.

[Tasha Bossio · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is helpful if you and your spouse are willing to take the Clifton's Strengths Finder. It gives another insight on how we can communicate and understand each other as a couple.

[Jara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gotta pay to take the test. Insightful if you already know your strengths.

[Charlie Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit general, but has some good elements for improving your marriage if you like the language of Clifton Strengths.

[Keith Law · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book and well worth the read.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Note: This book was provided free of charge by BookLook/Thomas Nelson Publishing in exchange for an honest review.]

Admittedly, as an unmarried reader, I am not precisely the ideal audience for this book, although from reading it I can get a sense that this book would be a handy little volume for couples seeking marriage counseling, especially if both parties involved were interested in personality theory. The book reads like a slightly salesy combination of a book in the Strengths Finder series [1] or a volume on marriage or premarital counseling for potentially mismatched partners [2]. This makes sense, given that the book is co-written by someone who works as a consultant on Strengths and another writer who happens to be a marriage counselor who managed to with a great deal of effort claw his own marriage back from the threat of divorce. If reading about ways that couples with very different strengths/talents can manage to communicate successfully with each other and find passion and romance in their marriage through understanding each other and responding thoughtfully sounds fun or worthwhile to you, this will likely be a good book.

This book is straightforward to the point of being somewhat basic and repetitive, as if the authors were writing to people who were a little bit slow on the uptake and who needed frequent reminders to go out and get the strengths test done for themselves and their spouse or needed five "secrets" for successful marriages one after another. In less than 200 pages, the authors manage to take a very straightforward path from a discussion of strengths and counterfeits to tips on stopping the cycles of pain and the healing journey that marriage can offer to tormented souls, speaking love to your spouse's heart by responding to their needs and learning how to communicate with love and graciousness, and learning the secrets to a successful marriage that help marriage be great, strong, happy, a dream, and passionate. These four sections include seventeen chapters and plenty of very basic advice as well as plenty of anecdotes from the authors about their own marriages. This book presents few barriers to being understood by a wide audience, and is not written in a way that makes too many demands on the reader.

That said, readers will most likely appreciate this book if they do not mind the authors' hard sell about getting a Strengths Finder Assessment done. Those who do not appreciate the approach will likely find this book a bit difficult to get into because it continually pushes the Strengths Finder Test as being important for better understanding one's spouse, and not everyone is likely to be appreciative of that mindset. Those who are already fond of the Strengths Finder approach will find this book less of a hard sell because one has already been sold, but on the other hand the book may come off as being somewhat basic. The authors, as a result, have put themselves in a delicate spot where some readers will likely want far more than the authors are willing or able to give in terms of counsel and guidance about how best to make a relationship work and other readers will be put off by the authors' pushiness about selling consultative services for Strengths finding. It is the sweet spot in the middle where the reader is not too aware of what is being sold nor is too bothered about being sold a product where the author is aiming. Despite not being in this sweet spot myself, I wish them the best of luck--the advice, basic as it is, that is included here is certainly worthwhile advice to take.

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2011...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2011...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2011...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2011...

[2] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...

[Keith · Rating 3 out of 5]

The strengths it talks about are different than the Strengths Finder test that I took years ago. I was not impressed with the difference, and did not finish reading the book. I was also not impressed that it did not include the Strengths Finder test that it kept referring to. The test I took years ago was included with the Now, Discover Your Strengths: The revolutionary Gallup program that shows you how to develop your unique talents and strengths or perhaps it was Strengths Finder 2.0: A New and Upgraded Edition of the Online Test from Gallup's Now, Discover Your Strengths With Access Code , because I read both of them.

The book got off on the wrong foot by providing misinformation about the effectiveness of speed reading. It claimed a study showed it to be effective, but did not provide a reference. So, I will provide a reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speed_r...

[Sarah Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

My old director was really into understanding his team’s personalities, our strengths and what conditions we worked best in so that he could equip and empower us to the best of his ability. To help him understand this, he had us each take the Strengths Finder assessment and my top five are positivity, developer, arranger, empathy and individualization. So, I understand my strengths from a work perspective. This book helped me look at my strengths from a relationship perspective. I did not have my husband work through this book with me, because there was not a code to take the assessment included with the book. However, when I return to counseling I could see myself encouraging clients to look into this book to help with understanding of communication in relationships.