Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

by Joanne Cacciatore, Jeffrey Rubin (Foreword)

If you love, you will grieve—and nothing is more mysteriously central to becoming fully human.

Dr. Cacciatore is featured in the 2021 documentary series The Me You Can’t See , from Oprah, Prince Harry, and Apple TV.

Bearing the Unbearable is a Foreword INDIES Award-Winner — Gold Medal for Self-Help.
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When a loved one dies, the pain of loss can feel unbearable—especially in the case of a traumatizing death that leaves us shouting, “ NO!” with every fiber of our body. The process of grieving can feel wild and nonlinear—and often lasts for much longer than other people, the nonbereaved, tell us it should.

Organized into fifty-two short chapters, Bearing the Unbearable is a companion for life’s most difficult times, revealing how grief can open our hearts to connection, compassion, and the very essence of our shared humanity. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore—bereavement educator, researcher, Zen priest, and leading counselor in the field—accompanies us along the heartbreaking path of love, loss, and grief. Through moving stories of her encounters with grief over decades of supporting individuals, families, and communities—as well as her own experience with loss—Cacciatore opens a space to process, integrate, and deeply honor our grief.

Not just for the bereaved, Bearing the Unbearable will be required reading for grief counselors, therapists and social workers, clergy of all varieties, educators, academics, and medical professionals. Organized into fifty-two accessible and stand-alone chapters, this book is also perfect for being read aloud in support groups.

Now available as an online course from the Wisdom Academy.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Death, Mental Health, Counselling

248 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2017

Reviews

[Meagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

One thing I learned when I lost my mom is that grief is overwhelming, and that no one in common society really talks about what to do with it, or even what it's like. There's this idea I had, that I'm pretty sure I pieced together from books and movies and TV, that after a few months of grieving you should start to feel more normal, and that about a year later you should have "processed" most of your grief and be ready to be you again. Well. I can tell you that after almost two years of grieving, none of that is true. What is true is that people forget about your loss in a way you never can. They expect you to be the person you were before, but it's impossible to get back there. The person I was before had a mom, and had never experienced the intense pain of losing her traumatically. I can't be her anymore. Unfortunately, I didn't have any idea of how to be the new me either. I've been experiencing pain from grief for almost two years, and I had no idea how to handle it.

Tragically, a friend of mine from work has also experienced some traumatic loss and has been doing some reading about grief. She gave this book five stars, and since the only other book about grief I'd tried was underwhelming at best, I decided to give this one a try. Even though I had to get it from a library in Denver to do it. I'm so grateful to my friend for reviewing this book, because it's the first time I've read a book (or article, or any kind of reading or talking about grief and grieving) that the whole thing has started to make sense. Is it any easier? Yes and no. No, because this sucks and I will always hate it and it hurts. Yes, because I feel more validated in my experiences and because I have a better idea of what to expect.

The author is fairly blunt about saying that the grief is probably here for the rest of your life. It's not something you "process," or "get over," or "move on" from. Because you loved someone deeply and lost them, you grieve. You can't lose the pain of the loss without also losing the love that caused the pain. And as hard as it is to hear that this is the new normal, it also helps me to focus on how I'm dealing with grief, instead of just waiting for it to magically go away after some mystical expiration date. Acknowledging that we're carpool partners for life gives me what I need to figure out how to live with these feelings, and hopefully how to make them less pervasive and debilitating.

There's a lot of advice in here about how to think about your grief, how to live with it (not just tolerate it, but actually live), and how to make it a productive part of who you are. Not all of the advice resonated with me, and not all of the advice will resonate with you. But if I've learned one thing, it's that grief is horrible for everyone, and also different for everyone. I think Joanne Cacciatore understands this better than most, and she's used a huge variety of examples in fifty short chapters that should at least touch on most responses to grief. The short chapters are nice, because it makes it very easy to read a couple every day, and then really digest what you've read.

The biggest moment of clarity I got from reading this book was about some of the unconscious effects of my grief. When my mom got sick, my everyday life kind of fell apart. In part because my routine became caring for her, and eventually grieving for her. Things like vacuuming the floor and going through the mail became completely superfluous. Eventually, I realized that I needed to get those routines back in place. I needed to clean my house. I needed to get back in the habits that kept my life running, but I was finding it impossible to accomplish. In this book, Joanne Cacciatore talks a bit about the self-destructive behavior that can come along with traumatic grief. For some people that looks like alcohol, drugs, affairs, or even self-harm. She says that grief demands to be present, and if we don't address our grief, then it comes out in other ways. We destroy things in our life to reflect the devastation we feel. And I think that's why I couldn't get back into my routines. It's why I couldn't declutter, or keep the dishes clean, and why I would find cards and letters at the bottom of huge piles of mail that I didn't remember receiving and certainly never addressed. I was letting my life fall to pieces because it felt like my life was in pieces. Having made that realization and hopefully learned some strategies to address my real feelings, I'm hopeful for the first time in two years that I might start to feel functional again. If you're struggling with grief, or if you've lost someone and you're struggling with other things that seem unrelated, I really recommend this book. It provided some vital perspective that I haven't seen anywhere else.

[Zoey Zimmerman · Rating 5 out of 5]

It has taken me quite a long time to put into words how I feel about this book. I've had kind of a dual/parallel experience as I've worked through it. I can relate in many ways to the words that Dr. Jo has written because I have lost two children. My daughter, Jada Soleil, and my son, Jordan Vaughn, were killed by their father, who then committed suicide. The 7-year-anniversary of the worst day of my life is just two weeks away. As I read Bearing the Unbearable, at the end of each chapter, I would close my eyes and think about the different and complex experiences of those who shared their grief. There were some stories that made me cry. There were some stories that felt like they were ripped from my own life. I let each story of love and grief work itself through my body, and I started to realize how my own understanding of MY suffering was expanding and growing.

Another interesting experience that I had as I read this book is that I read it out loud to my husband. He asked me to read it to him because he wanted to know more about that most sacred, bereaved Mama part of me. My husband never had the privilege to meet my children. He knows Jada and Jordan through me. He honors and loves my children, and wants to know them as deeply as possible. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore has given us another tool to explore the grief that we both feel over the loss of my babies.

I met Joanne less than a year after I lost my children. My mom found her blog online and immediately told me that I had to read her words on child loss. I felt a kindred connection to Dr. Jo as soon as I read about her bereaved Mama love and pain. I immediately reached out to her for help and she has been in my life ever since. The fact that her heart is now written into words that I can read whenever I need to is an immeasurable blessing to me. Joanne gives me permission to feel my pain even though I live in a world that wants to tell me that I should be "over it" by now. Joanne encourages me to really FEEL and not just intellectualize my emotions. Joanne speaks about those terrible feelings of self-hatred, and endless suffering, and she gives me a light to move towards. She both recognizes the loss of my children as the most abnormal experience that a mother could ever walk through, and at the same time, normalizes the extreme emotions swelling through my heart and body every second of every day.

To say that I am grateful for this book is an understatement. This book has brought me closer to my children, to my husband, and most importantly, to ME. I will read it again and again, because if I've learned anything, I have learned that grief is not linear. It is full of twists and turns, deep lows, and vibrant highs. Joanne has taught me that deep suffering is the result of deep love, and I love and miss my babies more than I could ever express.

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

An accessible and emotionally intelligent book about navigating grief. I appreciated the themes Joanne Cacciatore imbedded in Bearing the Unbearable, especially the importance of staying present with one’s painful emotions related to grief instead of trying to rush through them. She includes moving examples of her counseling work with grief patients, tangible practices to help individuals cope with grief, and messages about what to say and what not to say to those experiencing loss. I imagine this book can make an impact in the United States given how our culture is so often grief-averse and focused on productivity over slowing down and feeling our emotions. Also, as a head’s up, this book has a slight emphasis on grief related to losing one’s child, however I think people with different grief experiences can still benefit from reading it.

Recommended for those who are practicing therapy with clients who’ve experienced grief as well as those who want to understand grief and how to support those who are grieving in general. At times I wanted a little more structure to make sense of each chapter or set of chapters’ purpose, however the concision of each chapter helps the book move quickly.

[Warren Fournier · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate the place where Joanne Cacciatore was coming from when she wrote this book, having lost her own infant daughter. But I felt something was missing from this book that deals with the universal human experience of grieving.

It appears other reviewers felt the same way, but sometimes they still rated this rather highly. Perhaps that is because it's hard to talk critically about a book with such good intentions, meant to make money of course, but also to help comfort and support people through a singularly painful process.

I read this as both a clinician and as a person who has also had my share of loss, from losing my mom last month to the physical and financial devastation I experienced during Hurricane Katrina. I certainly made a lot of the mistakes that are mentioned in this book over the years when it came to dealing with losses. I tried to think about what I could have done differently to cope, and what words of wisdom I could gather from this book to help others experiencing the same challenges in life. But after the book was finished, I came away without any new answers to my questions.

Though I would say that the book applies to anyone who has ever suffered loss, the main focus on acute death of a child or a family member. There was also a brief mention of generational grief, which I can appreciate, as the author and I both have Sicilian heritage. But I felt there were other topics which could have been explored more robustly, such as a discussion over what happens with chronic grief, or when you lose part of yourself. For example, how does one cope with facial disfigurement, loss of vital bodily functions, or chronic illness? But that is not all that I found missing.

I guess my real issue was I didn't encounter any real sense of a helpful golden thread in this volume. There are a multitude of very short and tender chapters that exhaustively cover every aspect of grief that a person can experience. We hear story after story about the personal experiences of a variety of people in various stages of grief, from parents who just lost a child to sudden tragedy to a widower who lost his wife a decade ago. But I was amazed to find that the author did very little to give context to these antecdotes.

For example, she does an excellent job capturing the anger that a parent would feel over the killing of their child in senseless school violence. I felt the anger. Hell, I WAS angry. I wanted restitution! What kind of world do we live in where this kind of sick stuff can happen? I felt like putting on a Batman costume and beating up a bunch of bad guys.

And then the chapter ended. Now we're moving on to another heartbreaking story. Wait a minute. What about the Sandy Hook kids?! Are we done? But I need to come down from my anger! Doesn't the book have more to say to make it all better?

Well, yes and no. The book does have some general things to say about the grieving process and the importance of survivors of loss to engage in self-care, mindfulness, pausing with the grief, journaling, and acceptance. But the main crux of the book seems to be in the emphasis on the universality of grief. If you are reading this book and have experienced loss, I guess you will find some solace in that you are not alone.

But by the end of the book, and the end of the day, I don't think readers will come away with any amazing insights that will turn their lives around and end the pain. Perhaps because there are none to give. You can't take away the pain of a loss. Even if you could, you shouldn't. Our society tends to be avoidant when it comes to grief. We get a little intimidated around someone who has just been through a traumatic loss, because their grief reminds us of our own helplessness and inability to give the person what they desire, which is to not have lost anyone or anything in the first place. And grief is antithetical to the common wisdom of "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps." But grief is a process that is healthy and healing in itself. We have to go through it. And grief demands to be heard.

As the author rightfully points out, grief is largely about learning to adapt, honing your intuition, and incorporating the lost loved one into your own psyche. And perhaps that is Cacciatore's greatest gift to readers of her book. Grief is not an emotion in itself--it is a natural process that kicks in when we are at our most vulnerable to make us sharper, stronger, and wiser. It is not a process that is pleasant, but nor is it one to run away from, to deny, to move on from, to numb yourself against by smoking pot like Cheech and Chong or drinking booze like W.C. Fields. And none of that behavior will bring back what has been lost. Nothing will. But if you allow yourself to grieve, you will be able to "bear the unbearable."

This is why I've had to learn as a psychiatrist to largely keep my mouth shut when I'm talking to someone dealing with grief. There's nothing I can say to "fix the problem." The best thing I can do is treat them with compassion and help them understand that their feelings are legitimate and normal. Too many people feel they have no time for grief, including those in the medical system. Cacciatore makes a good point that if a person suffering a loss receives compassion, then they will also have that to give others.

So there is some nice sentiment here and stories with which you may or may not be able to identify. But this is not the zenith of psychological wisdom regarding grief. This will not be a game-changer. This will not free you from the lead weights of acute or complicated grief. In fact, some readers may find it a bit frustrating, because, as often happens with these kinds of books, the text is just as much about the author as it is the subject. They make sure to tell us about their client interactions, the interesting people they've met, the challenging cases on which they've been consulted, the touching stories they have encountered, the exotic places they've traveled, and how they've been an overall hero--all designed to show that the writer is indeed an authority on the subject and that they are really good at what they do. But I can't imagine that's what readers will be mostly wanting to read.

Therefore, I really can't recommend this any higher than three stars. It's a good book that somehow leaves me feeling that something is lacking, but if you read it, I do hope you take away something meaningful or helpful for your journey.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel a little crazy because this book seems to be so beloved but I really struggled with it.

My grief is chronic and perhaps if it were acute, this book would resonate with me more. I think the main audience would be those with acute traumatic grief, specifically parents who have lost children. The first few chapters of the book are the most salient: our society is grief-adverse, so the world will encourage you to "move on" or the medical establishment will pathologize your grief, but when you suppress your grief it only gets amplified. Your grief is proportionate to how much you love and you must sit with your grief, honor your grief and this will eventually help you to extend compassion to yourself and the world.

The rest of the book seems to be proof positive that she is a terrific grief counselor. Chapter after chapter, the author shares a heart wrenching story of a profound, devastating loss from her clients and how she helped them change their lives and honor their grief. Maybe if you are feeling totally isolated in your devastation then these anecdotes might help you feel less alone, but for me, it felt repetitive and a bit punitive; we get it, you're good at your job. While these stories give ideas for honoring grief, I would have preferred a more straightforward guide to its practical application instead of sharing a new devastation each chapter.

In her repetition, I also felt like she shortchanged complicated grief - what if you lost someone you loved but didn't like very much? How do you honor your grief then? What happens if your grief doesn't turn into compassion? I also wish she had spent more time on intergenerational trauma because that seemed to be the only novel concept in the second half of the book.

I should have quit midway when the frustration set in but my GoodReads goal held me captive and I had to finish what I started.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief is a beautifully written, wise and wonderful book! It is for anyone who has ever grieved, or is trying to help others who are grieving. Lest you think this is a sad, depressing, hard-to-read book, I found it to be affirming, empathetic and even uplifting. A quick read, I was so engrossed I finished it in one sitting!

I highly recommend this book to everyone!

Many thanks to Wisdom Publications for sending me a copy of this book to review.

[D.G. Kaye · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before I go into my review of this book, I will simply state, as a griever myself, that this book is one of the best books I’ve read on grief because it isn’t a clinical diagnosis book, it isn’t a guide on how to get through grief, but a tender telling of all the emotions a griever will experience throughout the rest of their lives, the triggers, and most of all, also beneficial to anyone who has ever known a griever and is lost for words or knowing how to act around someone who is grieving.

The book begins with a prologue of the author giving us a snapshot of her own grief story. She shares some of the questions all grievers ask and wonders how the world can continue on when her world was left empty – a common thread between all grievers. The author tells us she hopes for other grievers to feel they are in a safe place for us to be with our broken hearts. She warns that this book isn’t instruction on how to get over grief, but how to learn to live with the undeniable ebbs and flows and triggers of grief that will remain a part of our lives, for the rest of our lives. She talks about grievers needing others to reach out to us, and just how to do it by telling of her own experiences, and that of others she has consoled.

Dr. Cacciatore speaks of how death will affect every single person one day in their own individual way. The more we love, the more we will grieve. She also delves into how grief is manifested and what the shock of a traumatic death can leave on us – sometimes and often, leading to depression and/or PTSD, the repercussions of the shocking experience of losing a loved one, and how that often leads to running to substances to numb our pain. The good doctor touches on all the various types of trauma and grief from losing a loved one, a child, a parent, a spouse, etc., covering the gamut of what each of these relationships lost leave the living loved one to endure and the various habits and personality characteristics that are altered in the wake of, including the physical ailments many of us experience in light of grief, of which, many can become life threatening – especially when self-care desire disappears.

Most importantly to me, the author speaks of those in our circles who tend to abandon us in our hours of need because they don’t know what we need, and fears of talking about our lost loved ones causing more pain, explaining quite the opposite, how us grievers aren’t looking for solutions, only an ear to hear us speak of our great loss with a compassionate heart. “…But please just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure, or a pill, or a word, or a potion. Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me. Please be gentle with me. Please self, be gentle with me too. I will not ever ‘get over it’ so please don’t urge me down that path.”

“Traumatic death provokes traumatic grief.” Truest words. The author gets into the body’s reactions to grief, comparing a diagnosis or a death edict having that ‘fight or flight’ feeling within us setting off in perceived physchological threat within. Only, the fight or flight feeling never really leaves. She goes into the despair the griever learns to live within. “This is grief’s most piercing message: there is no way around-the only way is through”. As she states, those who don’t deal with their grief and won’t allow themselves to feel, are only suppressing their grief, tells us it will eventually manifest in unexpected ways. The doctor warns that suppressing grief is responsible for so many addictions, abuse and social disconnection.

We learn about how some people’s cry for help – or, the lack of those cries, can often lead to that griever taking their own life. She warns that grief always has a place at the table. Talking about grief is necessary and should never be stifled. The distractions we use for ourselves as grievers is also discussed as our everlasting unquenchable yearning for our lost loved ones never goes away.

Another poignant discussion in this book delves into the loss of a child and how that sometimes leads parents to unintentionally neglect their living children while focusing on the loss of another. We also learn how crying is a natural valve to relieve stress and explains the biochemical essense of grief tears and their differentiation to other tears.

In this book there is a dedicated chapter to grievers on how to tell our friends and family what we need from them in our hours of grief. Letting them know our triggers, asking for our acceptance when we aren’t up to a family gathering, a cry for help, and more. She offers up solutions like, writing a note to family letting them know our needs and reassuring them to not hold back conversations of our lost loved one because that is one of the most needed conversation many grievers crave, is talking about our lost loved one.

Time is linear with grief, sometimes minutes feel like years, years feel like minutes. The author tells us how easily a grief moment will steal our breath. “It is both feared enemy and beloved companion who never leaves.” Reminding, we won’t stop grieving until we stop loving. “Those we love deeply who have died are part of our identity; they are a part of our biography. We feel that love in the marrow of our bones.”

The author offers writing to a lost loved one as a great therapy. Read it and weep as she explains these tears of release are good for the soul. She also talks about making a memory box we can revisit to soothe our souls in memory.

All different types of grief are covered in this book, from the ones we carry for our lost one to the kind where we blame ourselves for. You will find stories here that demonstrate things that can happen for those who withhold their grief.

I loved her analogy of grief ‘ it’s a big bowl of grief broth’, describing how just one more ingredient can overpower us with overwhelming grief.

Poignant Quotes:

“No intervention and no interventionist can ‘cure’ our grief. And we are not broken-we are brokenhearted.”

“Grief is not a medical disorder to be cured.

Grief is not spiritual crisis to be resolved.

Grief is not a social woe to be addressed.

Grief is, simply, a matter of the heart-to be felt.”

“When we cannot hold in our arms our loved ones who’ve died, we hold them in our hearts. This is being with grief.”

“When you’re feeling tired of our sadness, just remember that we are supremely more tired of their dead-ness.”

“Losing our beloved brings a pain unlike any other-and this pain is- legitimately ours. Being with grief is terrifyingly painful, yet when we live our grief honestly, it has the mysterious power to deepen the meaning of our lives. This is the gift-curse of grief.”

Whoever survives the test must tell his story. ~ Elie Wiesel

[Michele Harrod · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could walk outside this evening and throw a net into the sky to collect a million stars, I would give them to this book.

I was a little hesitant to start this, thinking it would be 'too sad', yet my heart feels like it has expanded and bloomed to a thousand times its former size because I have heard these stories. I now COMPLETELY understand how utterly inadequate we are at dealing with grief - our own, and other people's. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can learn to stop 'stopping grief', and instead, learn how to honour its rightful place in the space that is left when we lose those we love.

My main takeaways from this are how terrible the platitudes are that we share with our grieving friends, such as 'they are in a better place', 'everything happens for a reason', or 'they'd want you to be happy, it's time to move on now'. We mean well, we just want to 'fix things'. But loss simply cannot be fixed. It is this shared reality that connects each and every one of us, and is where we can find our truest humanity.

And because we don't pack up the love we had for our dearly departed we really don't 'move on', but rather we must take whatever time we need to learn how to live with grief, to allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we are personally feeling, and integrate that pain so that we can also remember, and continue to cherish, the love. Love and Grief come hand in hand, and from this book, I understand now, how beautiful we become when we too can stand hand in hand with both, and let others do the same. This is where true self compassion will save us, and our compassion will then extend from us, to create safe places for others to do the same.

I have always been terrified of loss and the pain of grief. And I have spent years swallowing it down and trying to bury it, and avoid all risk of it in the future. I now understand completely how this has impacted my health, and how this fear has shaped my life choices. Yet now, I also understand it isn't the pain of grief that kills us (although god damn, it sure feels like it will when it first arrives). But no - it is the pain of the isolation we feel, when we and others deny our right to grieve that does us irreperable harm. It is when we consign emotions as 'good' or 'bad' and see ourselves as failures for not being able to expunge the 'bad'. It is when we allow some perceived clock to dictate when we should be 'over this' yet our heart cries that it is not yet ready. These are the true horrors that will make us ill and steal our future joy.

Quite simply, there is no 'getting over' grief, and there are no quick fixes that will reduce it, or consign it back out the door, as if it were some unwelcome straggler you'd prefer to put back on the street. Grief will, if you have ever loved, arrive on your doorstep one day, and the best you can do is find a way to make your home and heart expand to accommodate it, as you work through whatever it has to share with you. As Dr Joanne Cacciatore notes in this book, it isn't that grief gets lighter, it our own 'strength' that grows over time, that makes carrying it so much easier. And one day, you find that as it rises up as you remember your loved one, you can welcome the pain, knowing that in turn, it brings with it all the love you had for them too. And that should never be stifled, moved on from, or forgotten.

Reading this has, I hope, made me a more willing griever and a far more compassionate friend and listener for anyone else in pain. There are not many books that I come across, and wish I could buy a copy for every single person on the planet, but this is absolutely, 100%, one of them.

[emre · Rating 3 out of 5]

kitabın üslubu tatlıydı, hoşuma gitti. kendi yasımıza ve başkalarının yasına karşı şefkatle yaklaşabilmeye dair anlattıklarını ve kapitalist kültürün yasın yaşanmasına izin vermeyişine yönelik eleştirilerini de yerinde buldum. 'hadi-her şeyi-unutup-mutlu-olalım' kültürü -bir başka deyişle 'negatif basma'- gerçekten olumsuz olarak etiketlenen birçok duygunun ifade alanı bulamadan insanın içinde çürümeye terk edilmesine sebep olabiliyor. terapi her ne kadar bu duygular için bir ifade zemini işlevi görse de çoğunlukla tek başına bu kültürle baş etmesi mümkün olmuyor, hatta -bence- bu kültürün bir parçası hâline gelebiliyor. bu anlamda cacciatore'nin kitap boyunca tekrarladığı eleştirileri çok önemliydi. ama "hadi-mutlu-olalım"ı eleştirse de kendisinin önerdiği birçok şey de "hadi-şükran-duyalım"a çıkıyordu. ben mi çok memnuniyetsizim ya da tek taraflı bakıyorum bilmiyorum ama her zorlayıcı deneyimi bir fırsat kapısı olarak görmenin salık verilmesi gereksiz geliyor. depresyon yaratıcılık için fırsat, travma yenilenme fırsatı, yas hayatın kıymetini anlama fırsatı... başımdan geçen her zorlu deneyimi kendisinin ötesinde bir araç, potansiyel bir kazanç olarak görürsem o deneyimleri kendileri olarak yaşayıp anlamlandırmam ne kadar mümkün olabilir ki?

bir de kitapta yaklaşık kırk civarı vaka sunumu var, pek çoğunun yüzeyselliğine neyse diyorum, kırk vakadan bir tanesi bile mi sonlanmamış, başarıyla tamamlanmamış olmaz? yasıyla baş etmekte güçlük çekenlerin ve yas gibi zor bir konuda psikolojik destek sunanların kendilerini yetersiz hissetmemeleri adına olumsuz deneyimleri de paylaşabilmek çok önemli bence. terapi süreci bir seans sürmüş ve danışanlara sihirli değnekle dokunulmuş gibi bir anlatımın yazarın egosunu okşamak dışında pek de bir yararı yok sanki.

yine de yası farklı açılardan ele alması ve bir denklemden ibaret gören yaklaşımların aksine sürecin kişiye özgülüğüne yapılan vurgunun kitap boyu sürmesi çok güzeldi.

[Joshua Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an emotional read for me. And I don’t think I can quite capture what the book is, because that would depend on each reader, but I will try anyways. There are a collection of stories about people who have lost their loved ones and there journey of grief with Dr. Cacciatore. While you can find ways to help/live/work with your grief, you may not learn that from each chapter, but for those chapters that are more difficult to empathize with, you can at least sympathize with them and gain further perspective on a difficult and too often ignored topic. Many chapters did offer me something whether it was ways to remember, self care, expressing my thoughts and feelings openly, and performing kind acts for those around me. The chapters are short, easy to read, and Dr. Cacciatore felt very personal with her own stories, and those she shared. This would be a great book for anyone who is bereaved and good for anyone who may want to learn how to talk/treat others who are grieving.

[Kristen Thomason]

Finished the audiobook on the way out to Father’s Day and showed up with tears in my eyes. A very helpful perspective on grief work, both personally and professionally. Takes time to unravel societal expectations surrounding grief, and encourage a holistic, fuller perspective to the grieving experience. A reminder that you don’t ever have to be done grieving your loved ones, and that society is set up in a way that tries to convince us otherwise.

Oftentimes, when faced with death, I put in a stern face only for the inevitable breakdown to find me months if not years after their passing. This book was enlightening to the ways in which that process has been affecting me, both short and long term, and encouraged a more organic grief, from the chest, for my life going forward.

Joanne threads many lessons about loss with personal stories of the tragic loss of her daughter, and shows her specialization in the world of grief with a bravery and gusto I only hope to he able to achieve one day. Really great book.

[Brian White · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read several books on grief since my son passed away last year and this one is by far the best. Her thinking and approach on addressing grief is so refreshing and real. I wish I had read it earlier. I hope no one “needs” to read this book but if you’ve had something traumatic happen to you I highly recommend it

[Susie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A phenomenal book! Healing, and both optimistic and realistic. I highly recommend this one. I borrowed it from the library but will be buying a copy of my own as I want to reference it often, highlight and underline the heck out of it, and treat it like the personal gift that it is.

[Nancy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think it was somewhat helpful, but I was put off by the authors constant talk of her grief at her loss of a baby 12 years ago with no mention of her love for her other three living children.

[Lin F · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book that I will read again and again. I found it to be comforting and helpful in understanding my grief.

[Gadi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this on the heels of losing my grandmother. I found it almost unbearably tedious. There were some morsels of insight, some moments of catharsis, but I found a lot of it repetitive: We should lean into our grief, truly experience it, rather than stifle it.

[Prashanthi Kadambi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended reading for anyone who feels overwhelmed by grief. Insightful critique on societal treatment of grief. Will certainly help one understand grief better and empathize with others.

[Kat V · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I’d had this book when I really needed it. That’s all I really need to say. 5 full stars

[Thomas Badilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very Insightful and hopeful. I absolutely loved this book. It's straight forward and easy to read. I wish it was a bit more research focused. Overall, I highly recommend it!

[Sherry · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. This book was really helpful for me as I am still processing my daughter's unexpected death 6 months ago. Chapters are short and I was able to read a few at a time. I recommend it for those grieving.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

the death of one of my dearest friends led me to find and read this book, it was helpful and great for people who like try to make logic of their feelings & intellectualize them, even when it is impossible to do so.

In memory of Patrick ❤️‍🩹

[Misty Galbraith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought I was reading this book to help me understand others. I came away with a better understanding of myself and with a renewed conviction to live with more kindness and compassion. Systemic traditions and teachings make us believe that sadness, grief, unhappiness, etc are to be avoided at all cost. But if we live numb to “unpleasantness” we also miss opportunities for love, pleasure, and joy! “Fierce compassion, which arises from fully experienced grief, helps us awake from our slumber and live more wholeheartedly.” Suffering endured becomes compassion expressed. “If you love, you will grieve.” Loss and grief arrive uninvited into our lives in many forms: death, divorce, loss of companionship and friends. This book is powerful and uplifting despite the deep losses discussed throughout. It should be required reading to qualify as a compassionate human.

[MLE · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

[Rick Sam · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Author inundates with lot of stories, lot of chapters.

An introductory read to be familiar with stories.

Stories of pain, suffering, uncomfortable, aspects of human life.

Many of us lack emotional vocabulary.

When we ask questions of feelings, we begin to dig deeper to be aware of emotional aspect of our life.

For Men, this would help us to grow bit by bit on emotional intelligence.

Many of the stories are heart-breaking, wrenching, painful.

My Favorite Part from the Book:

After Death of his Son, the Father used this.


January: Once a day, I vow to learn something new.

February: Once a day, I vow to do something I enjoy.

March: Once a day, I vow to spend more time outdoors.

April: Once a day, I vow to express my love more openly.

May: Once a day, I vow to call a friend.

June: Once a day, I vow to cry. And smile.

July: Once a day, I vow to go to bed by 9 P.M.

August: Once a day, I vow to read.

September: Once a day, I vow to drink more water.

October: Once a day, I vow to eat more salad.

November: Once a day, I vow to be thankful for the food I have to eat.

December: Once a day, I vow to do something kind for someone.


Self-expression is about the ways in which we show our feelings.

Kindness is about bringing love to others.

We cannot bring love to others without bringing it back around to ourselves — a wonderful way to
care for our own hearts.


Deus Vult,
Gottfried

[Terri W · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will move your soul in the most meaningful, heartbreaking and beautiful ways. Read this. If you have lost someone that you love dearly, read this book. If you love someone who has lost someone that they love dearly, read this book. If you want to be a kinder human and you want to know what compassion looks like in action, read this book. Dr. Jo's ability to capture the gut wrenching depths of horrific despair, while simultaneously calling upon tenderness, love and presence is unprecedented. Part of the beauty of this text is it's simplicity. Dr. Jo has found a way with language that takes the most sorrowful and confusing of human experiences and gives them words. While this book will NOT give you a way out of grief (nor would you want one), it will offer you understanding, compassion and a fiercely kind voice. I have hope that the conversations started from the legacy of this beautiful book are going to begin a cultural shift in our collective relationship with grief. Thank you, Dr. Cacciatore - for all our children gone too soon. Always loved, missed and remembered. Always.

[Mary Leahy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about grief. Everyone has lost loved ones, and we all handle it differently. I thought it was informative to read about some of the different attitudes of the people in this book and how they were able to come to terms with grief. When my son died at a young age, I read a book called "A Grief Observed " by C.S. Lewis, where he writes about the loss of his wife and how he dealt with this terrible loss. I found it to be thoughtful and helpful.

Here is a quote about the book from Goodreads:
"Written with love, humility, and faith, this brief but poignant volume was first published in 1961 and concerned the death of C. S. Lewis's wife, the American-born poet Joy Davidman. In her introduction to this new edition, Madeleine L'Engle writes: "I am grateful to Lewis for having the courage to yell, to doubt, to kick at God in angry violence."

[Akanksha · Rating 3 out of 5]

some decent insights, but a lot of repetition, stories told on the surface level, no particular complexities explored, but as the first book i have picked up to understand my own grief it seemed fine, but definitely a bit of a drag, storytelling style kind of annoying sometimes, and a little too much gratitude for my taste

but it did validate certain emotions for me and has given me a direction to begin

[Yvonne Flint · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just the right words at just the right time. The author speaks of grief from personal and professional experience and wisdom, giving me affirmation that my own grief habits are neither unusual nor prolonged. Grief is inescapably part of love and both change you permanently.

[Kinara Shah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read on how to navigate grief or help people grieving around you. But most importantly, this is a reminder that grief is the price of love and we should honor it.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very repetitive.