Why Can't You Read My Mind?: Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns That Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship

by Jeffrey Bernstein, Susan Magee

Most people think that poor communication is the reason why so many relationships end, but it's actually the way we learn to think about our partners and our problems that undermines trust, erodes intimacy, and cripples communication. In Why Can't You Read My Mind?, psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein reveals—for the first time—the 9 toxic thought patterns at work in virtually every relationship, and shows couples how these distorted, negative, exaggerated thoughts can destroy the love between couples. Based on years of successful counseling, Bernstein has developed a simple yet powerful approach for breaking the toxic thinking cycle and helps couples establish new and more positive thinking habits for solving problems and dealing with the stresses of everyday life. Filled with practical advice on topics like fighting fairly and purging emotional ghosts, as well as fun, easy-to-follow exercises that will keep romance alive for years to come, Why Can't You Read My Mind? is an invaluable tool for those seeking to restore-or create-a happy, loving and fulfilling relationship.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Marriage

224 pages, Paperback

First published November 2, 2003

About the author

Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, is a psychologist with over thirty years' experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy.

Reviews

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best relationship self help book I've ever seen. I buy it for most of my girls when they move in with a boy, just because I know how frustraiting it can be.

I'm living with my 3rd boy friend, and it's finally easier. I can come home walk into a messy place and NOT take it personal. It has nothing to do with me. I didn't know that until I read this book.

This book teaches you how to communicate verbally those things you expect him/her to be able to 'just know'. No one can tell what's wrong with you by the look on your face, or your body language. In all reality how is anyone supposed to know what's burning inside your mind, when you stare madly at them across the room. You ignoring them, or play mind games and getting mad they don't 'know' what the deal is, does not make the situation better.

It doesn't matter how long you date someone, they will never be able to KNOW every emotion lingering inside your body- unless you tell them. Just because you have to say it does not mean you're not meant for each other, or you are not soul mates. He just isn't a mind reader, and you shouldn't expect him to be.

Everyone is raised differently. Things you grew up doing because that's what your parents taught you, is not the same for every family. Just because something pisses you off and you silently keep repeating it he's not going to ever pick up your wavelingths. He's not telapathic, if he was you wouldn't need this book.

It will teach you to speak your mind in a productive way. It will teach you how to talk what you think he should already know.

[Terry Insinga · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the author picked a title that doesn't reflect what the book is really about. Based on the title I expected the book to be about not expecting our partner to be able to read our minds so therefore needing to be more aware of what we tell them. However, the book ended up being about getting rid of negative, toxic thoughts we habitually repeat about our spouse in our heads. It's definitely a good point and he had some good suggestions for helping with that but the book was a bit too long for that one point (200 pages).

[Erika RS · Rating 2 out of 5]

My goal: find a good book about communication in relationships. There are endless books about communication and endless books about relationship, and most of them are written for an audience whose standard reading fare is magazine articles. I chose Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee because it was both relatively well rated and available at my library. My rating: 2/5

Why Can’t You Read my Mind? may be good for what it is, but what it is is not what I am looking for. It has some good tips, but this is more than countered by the authors’ barely implicit assumption that the only people reading this book are those on the brink of ending their relationship. Those of us who just want to learn concrete techniques for strengthening communication in our most important relationship are left feeling like we walked into someplace we don’t belong.

If you can get past the fact that this book is written for magazine reading divorce candidates, it does provide a good number of concrete tips for improving communication in relationships.

[Cynthia]

My husband of 28 years is very interested in why I'm reading this book.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

People have misunderstood one another since the beginning of time–and, if the self-help genre is any indication, they continue to do so. Bernstein, a Philadelphia-based psychologist, describes “toxic” thought patterns that can damage even the healthiest relationships (readers will be reminded of those found in Clinton McLemore’s Toxic Relationships and How to Change Them: Health and Holiness in Everyday Life), He presents the MAP plan–Mindfulness, Alternatives, Practice–as the antidote to tendencies like labeling and blaming; he also offers techniques and activities for increasing intimacy, like making little things count. To boot, Bernstein clearly and conversationally discusses relationships in general, making good use of explanatory material and examples. While our partners really can’t read our minds, this book does offer hope–and, refreshingly, it throws in the occasional alternative lifestyle couple. Like John Gottman’s popular The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expertand Willard F. Harley Jr.’s His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive, this is appropriate for most.

Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[J Woodward · Rating 3 out of 5]

Has some decent concepts in here, and does a good job of breaking down some categories of interaction that generally would seem to get in the way of communication in relationships. But also is a bit too blunt and obvious in the examples, so much so that it seems like it's not really relating to the real world.

[Christopher Craig · Rating 3 out of 5]

I definitely agree that a lot of the content of this book is valuable information for all couples to put into practice. Knowing what I’ve seen from past relationships of my own and what I’ve observed from others, we all have our share of toxic thinking habits. I do struggle with some self-help books feeling a little too much like talking down at the reader. But maybe that’s just me.

[Kristin Hardie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generally good info and more useful than observations made by Malcolm gladwell. Practical.

I liked the second half better as developing empathy is something I need to do and goes beyond my partner relationship. Will try those exercises

[Amanda Easter · Rating 2 out of 5]

A little out of date. Pretty basic stuff....more about getting rid of toxic thoughts than what the title indicates.

[Ariel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book uses the principles of cognitive therapy to help you turn off your "toxic thinking". The author proposes that if you thought your way out of love than you can think your way back in. Like most of the relationship books I have read the solution starts with you. You cannot change your partner, only yourself. You have to accept your responsibility for the problems and you are the only one who can fix them. You can't expect your partner to make you happy by being able to "read your mind". If you can't accept your part then the book won't work. If you are willing to take responsibility then there is a lot of helpful ideas in it even though most seem to be common sense. I found the fighting fair section especially helpful. If you are in a mentally or physically abuse relationship then this book is not going to fix anything. The book requires a lot of effort and conscience work to stop the cycle of "toxic thinking". The book would probably be the most helpful if both partners are willing to read it but it is still worthwhile to read even if only one person wants to change.

[Yitzchok · Rating 2 out of 5]

Another self-helpy type book that I began a long time ago and just ended now. It's main worthwhile point in my opinion is the concept of "Toxic Thoughts".

"Your thoughts can get you into trouble, however, when the negative ones stop being occasional and become more frequent, habit-like, unrealistic, intense, and distorted. When that happens, you're experiencing toxic thinking."

"By controlling our toxic thinking, we can control our feelings."

As I am discovering by the number of "self-helpy" type books that I started a long time ago and am only now finishing, is that most of them really only need to be half size to teach the main components. I guess they would be harder to take seriously if they were only 100 pages, but really the gist of the book tends to be in the first 100 pages and the rest a bit of a snooze fest.

Still, if you are dealing with someone who frequently practices toxic thoughts this book and may be helpful.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book allowed me to see myself in a relationship and understand the thoughts I were having were sabotaging my own happiness. Regardless of the relationship this book will help anyone looking for answers from their partner....when their partner isn't talking.

[Cassandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Offered some helpful tips; well suited to anyone who finds themselves being occasionally irrationally negative in relationships. I'm glad I read it. We'll see if I can put Mr. Bernstein's methods into practice..

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful.