Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby

by Deborah L. Davis

The heartache of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death affects thousands of U.S. families every year. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart , Third Edition offers reassurance to parents who struggle with anger, guilt, and despair during and after such a tragedy. In this new and updated edition, Deborah Davis encourages grieving and strives to cover many different kinds of loss, including information on issues such as the death of one or more babies from a multiple birth, pregnancy interruption, and the questioning of aggressive medical intervention. There is also a special chapter for fathers as well as a chapter on "protective parenting" to help anxious parents enjoy their precious living children. Doctors, nurses, relatives, friends, and other support persons can gain special insight. Most importantly, parents facing the death of a baby will find necessary support in this gentle guide.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Adult, Reference

450 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1991

About the author

Deborah L. Davis, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, writer, and expert in neonatal medical ethics and perinatal bereavement. She is the author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart and the coauthor of Parenting Your Premature Baby and Child. Her blog Laugh, Cry, Live explores a wide range of topics at PsychologyToday.com.

Reviews

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hate that I needed this book, but also thank god for this book.

[Margaret Pritchard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first book I read since my son died that really got it.

A few small bits are somewhat dated - for example, there are now online support groups and forums that weren't around in the early 90's, and, thankfully, people are more aware of the real losses that occur in miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death, and so are more sensitive. Doctors, family members, etc., are less likely these days to dismiss the loss, and hospitals are better at giving parents choices on whether to hold their child, dress them, etc. These aren't criticisms so much as a plea for an updated version, because the book is wonderfully helpful and healing.

The book is realistic and accessible. It doesn't tell you that you can heal quickly, or provide you with a set of one-size-fits-all steps. It doesn't give false promises. The author has worked extensively with bereaved parents, and quotes from interviews are included in each chapter without commentary. Each chapter also includes a helpful "points to remember" list at the end.

The book addresses the topic with breadth - everything from physical healing, ways to affirm your baby's existence, support networks, dealing with how the loss affects your extended family, the emotions involved in being pregnant and parenting after a loss, and more. I will be passing this book on to my baby's grandparents, since they may also find it helpful, and coming back to it as I continue finding my way through the grief process. This isn't just a one-time read - it's a handbook, a lifeline, and a source of reassurance that you are NOT crazy, you are NOT stuck, you are NOT lost, and you CAN, with time and effort, heal the wound without forgetting or dismissing your baby.

[Shannon Wyss · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the dearest people to me in all the world had her newborn die over the summer. I wanted to read “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart” to get a better idea of the hell that she’s going through.

It is an insightful, easy-to-read book. Deborah Davis includes heartbreaking, poignant, honest quotes from many mothers (and a few fathers) whose babies have died. And it encompasses everything from miscarriage up to those babies who die months after birth, as well as singletons and multiples. Davis takes the reader through the grief process, starting from the baby’s birth until years later and includes seemingly every aspect of post-death grief and recovery.

I learned a lot — and the book affirmed many of my own emotions of grief over this horrifying situation.

Unfortunately, it does have some serious drawbacks. But most of those are not with what is said in the book (although the mention toward the end of “primitive cultures” is pretty offensive) but in what is absent.

For instance, the book is 98% focused on mothers. While it makes some attempt to be inclusive of fathers, almost everyone interviewed for the book was a mother. The chapter specific to grief and fathers in the context of patriarchy is critical and one of the most insightful in the book. Unfortunately, fathers will find little specific to their grief or their place in society in the rest of “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.” And the word “mother(s)” appears many more times than “father(s)” or “parents.”

Relatedly, the book is completely cisheterosexist. It assumes that every couple is “opposite-sex” and that everyone having a baby is cisgender (not transgender). No matter how hard you look, you will not find anyone LGBTQ here. Completely absent are “same-sex” couples or those trans men who might get pregnant. “Mother” is synonymous with “birth mother,” leaving non-birth mothers in relationships between lesbian and bisexual women invisible; the other parent is always assumed to be a father. Also left out are gay and bisexual men who seek to have children through surrogacy but lose the baby carried by their surrogate. (For that matter, the surrogate’s experience is also absent.)

The book also leaves out many others, like those in non-monogamous relationships. Also ignored are any specificities related to race, class, immigration status, language, physical ability, age, etc. For instance, how does someone whose baby has died but does not speak English access a local support group that is held in English? What about those cultures in the US that are not prone to take advantage of counseling? Where do they find their support networks? How about disabled parents, who may go to even greater lengths to get pregnant and who may not be able to get pregnant again? (Also absent in the physical recovery chapter is any discussion of those who had to have a hysterectomy during their labor process.) Where do autistic parents go to find support if being in a room full of other people is not a comfortable place for them? How about teen mothers, who may not have meant to become pregnant and/or who may not have family support? What happens when their babies die?

The problem with many works that attempt to be universal is that they end up being generic, which, in the US, means white, cisgender, straight, native born, English speaking, monogamous, neurotypical, middle class, etc. Sadly but predictably, Davis’s book falls into this same trap.

With all of that being said, however, Davis’s book is *absolutely* worth reading. And i don't regret an instant that i spent with it. Until someone expands on her work and improves upon its weaknesses, i wouldn’t hesitate to recommend “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart” either to grieving parents or to their loved ones — although some caveats would definitely be included in that recommendation!

[Christa · Rating 5 out of 5]

• Sometimes babies die, and it is not a reflection of a parent's worth.
(I am worthy.)

• I did nothing to intentionally harm my baby.
(I'm not guilty: I am loving.)

• My baby is not suffering.
(I am at peace.)

• Others are silent as they don't know what to say, or they don't want to trigger my grief.
(I am grateful for their efforts at caring.)

• Intense grief doesn't last forever.
(I am hopeful.)

• I can ultimately grow from this tragedy and find peace.
(I am resilient. I have faith.)

• As I mourn, I am healing and slowly reinvesting in the future.
(I have confidence.)

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was given to me after the unexpected stillbirth of our third child. The friend who passed it on to me also experienced the stillbirth of a child. I was very devastated. I didn't think this book would offer me any advice or help. However, I read it because of my friend. I discovered how wrong I had been. This book brought back peace to my everyday life. It helped me look forward and have hope. I especially enjoyed reading the personal experiences from other couples who had lost children. I know we all mourn differently, but I highly recommend this book to anyone who has suffered with the loss of a child.

[Bookslut · Rating 2 out of 5]

If Deborah Davis asked me, 'Am I right, or am I right?' I'd say, 'You're right, Ms. Davis'. A lot of what you'll encounter with a dead baby is in here, from the way your parents might take it to hating your body after delivery to what pregnancy following a loss is like. It's in there. The thing is, it's so DRY. It was hard to derive any emotional comfort this, which could've been swapped with my Toyota maintenance manual in tone. The quotes from loss parents pushed it in the right direction, but the book as a whole didn't have enough voice for me.

[Hannah Nowak]

I think this book would be most helpful immediately after loss - it’s sort of a “how to grieve” and what to expect, and now being 9 months out, I found it less helpful than I would have initially. Also it did take me a while to read and I wasn’t very motivated to pick it up.

[Colette · Rating 3 out of 5]

This author has some very helpful things to say. I imagine this updated 2016 edition has a lot of new information and insight into grieving and mourning. I especially liked the mindfulness chapter, the affirming your baby chapter, and the personal experiences. My situation was such that many chapters didn’t apply, but it was good to skim through them, anyway. Of the exercises, I found the suggestion to write a letter to your baby and also an answer from the baby to be most helpful. I also discovered that many things I have experienced are common; some of which I hadn’t even recognized.

This isn’t a particularly interesting read — kinda like a textbook. It is one that could help someone in the right frame of mind. It would have been better if there was also a chapter on early losses and miscarriage.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hope that no-one I know ever needs to read this book. However, if anyone experiences a loss like this, I do highly recommend this book. It helped me get through my initial grief as well as my anxieties and struggles with my subsequent pregnancy. The book is filled with the science behind the chemical process of grief and anxiety and depression as well as a little anecdotes from people who have been in a similar situation.I highly recommend this book; I just hope no one ever needs it.

[Mercer Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Woof. A hard read. I read this for a doula program and it is definitely catered to parents inside the experience of losing a child rather than those supporting them.

That said, there is a great list at the end of every chapter with salient points. The anecdotes from parents were also helpful for me as it gave me perspectives of folks that feel like my potential clients would.

If you are not reading this as a parent who is mourning, and do have a small child, it may be triggering.

[Marie Fort · Rating 4 out of 5]

A tough read and a look into the realities of child loss, though miscarriage was not touched on much. I read this for doula education, and while not strictly educational, feel it was important. This book would also be helpful for parents who are living the experience.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful and real

I read this book due to a friend having loss their beautiful girl four days short of her due date. I wanted to educate myself on what the parents are going through, how their life is now forever changed, and what I should and should NOT do or say in an attempt to provide support. An excellent, but heart-rending book. I recommend to anyone who has lost an infant (pre-or post birth), and to their family and support system.

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have now read 7 books on infant loss to try to facilitate/accelerate my grief over my son's death. This book was by far the "best". The author covered a menagerie of feelings and topics. It was "dry" as one reviewer stated, but thank goodness for that. Plenty of other infant loss books included horrific death stories that were basically unbearable. I needed "dry with a purpose" and this book served me well. I placed no less than 55 sticky notes in the pages to guide me back when I need to reread a specific topic. (By contrast, the "next best" book I read on the topic had about 14 sticky notes.)

[Gela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like this book however I wish it felt more with the emotional ups and downs and how to move on or become whole again. The why things happen and other informations about "what actually happened" was not what i wanted to read or expected to read at all. It lacked compassion and empathy. I would say read this years later if it has happened to you. If not your going to get pissed and irritated.

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart has a very biological view of grief and death, and it especially focuses on presenting the “normals” of grief so as to destigmatize varied grieving and mourning processes. The book’s great strength and biggest benefit is its comprehensive approach, comparable to A Gift of Time (for which Davis is a coauthor). One of the differences between the two volumes is that A Gift of Time has a bit more of an emotional/spiritual perspective than the largely physical/psychological perspective of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.

This book attributes anger, guilt, and failure to “the belief that you are always in control of your destiny,” correctly identifying the problem of our belief we can control our lives—but erring in suggesting that all guilt we feel is false guilt (80). This is understandable but good to know. Davis presents a volume full of good practical advice that, for Christians, should probably be accompanied with pastoral counseling and guidance. The theme throughout is “You did the best you could with what you had."

There is an especially helpful chapter for men who are grieving (which also offers a guide to understanding how men grieve), and there is good information on subsequent pregnancies and raising children after infant loss (joys, sorrows, challenges of discipline, etc.). There is also an appendix for caregivers and a list of resources, both excellent.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

My granddaughter died at birth at 20 weeks gestation almost a year ago. I found this book, read the reviews and ordered the latest version (which I understand is vastly updated from the previous version) immediately upon knowing that she would not survive. I had no idea perinatal loss could be that devastating or that lonely. Although very long and detailed, it was a huge help in figuring out what my daughter and son-in-law were going through. The author is extremely knowledgable and about 25% of the book is excerpts from parents, including some fathers which are very enlightening. To honour our granddaughter I am ordering the book for my local library as well as theirs. Information on perinatal loss at their local library and bookstores was non existent. The book gives validity to a wide experience, accepting the diverse feelings and coping methods. The only drawback is persons who are not readers, could find it overwhelming in its detail and length.

[SJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s coming up to what would have been my daughter’s 9th birthday and I’ve finally finished this book. The grief is complex and you never fully heal from it, but you become better at managing around it. You find your purpose for living. This book helped touch on the emotion when I was ready to feel it, but in honesty the agony has yet to lose its intensity.

I am disappointed reading the judgements of folks for the way others grieve or of the ways that those closest to us try to connect with us throughout this experience. I was gifted this book by a loved one and that act in itself was meaningful. Hopefully we can be kinder to ourselves and others. We don’t always get it right.

The death of your beloved child is single-handedly the most excruciating experience in this life.

My heart breaks for you if you find yourself here and I wish you strength in your healing. This book is a good place to start for support.

[Gage Agag · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on grief, however it does leave some to be desired in identifying upfront whose issues are being explored and whose aren't. While many identities go underrepresented, even the more "obvious" such as fathers read as more of an afterthought. Even the chapter specifically on fathers could somehow only gather a handful of interviewees vs the much more dynamic group of mothers. Really insightful read on grief, grieving, and mourning overall.

[Soaiba Madani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everything written in this book was 100% relatable. Even though everyone had different experiences that they went through, the feelings and pain that you go through when you lose your baby are pretty much the same and I guess it helps to know you’re not alone in the way you feel and it’s “normal” to feel this way.

[Savannah Cummins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super helpful book. It walks through every step of the grief journey, from the moment of discovering your child has passed to having future children.

There are chapters that don’t always apply, but may be more useful to the people surrounding bereaved parents.

Highly recommended to anyone who has to go through this terrible loss.

[Kathryn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Geared towards couples and discusses multiples and surviving twins. Wouldn't recommend for single mothers. Not sure if I'd recommend it for someone who didn't have multiples.
Great quotes from mothers and fathers with losses.

[Wendy Luvers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gets it just right. A book that understands. All of it.
Covers practically every emotional hitch along the way.
I would have loved a section about subsequent pregnancy losses, though, its so central and I feel its missing very much, thus 4 out of 5.

[Anya Bird · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best books I’ve read on this topic. A lot of helpful insights and great to have so many views from other bereaved parents. Only 4 stars as I don’t really agree with the whole ‘unnecessary suffering’ theme that runs through the book - it just didn’t quite fit with how I see this.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

My lifeline when my daughter died, stillborn at 32 weeks. Writing in the margins, underlining, circling, stained with my tears- this book helped me through my darkest days.

[Megan Shatraw · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will continue to help me as I grieve the third trimester lost of my first baby.

[Carley A. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read through this with my grief counselor after my twin sons died. Very long, almost like a textbook, but very helpful.

[Ashley MacInnis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unfortunately very relatable. Lots of words in here that could bring comfort if that's what you're looking for. Sending love to anyone who needs this book.

[Meera · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful book you never want to be in the position of having to read. This book understood me.

[Jackie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish no one had to read this book. But if you do, I hope you find as much peace and comfort as I did reading it. The hospital gave me this book after the stillbirth of my daughter. I wasn’t sure what to expect. However the personal experiences and quotes throughout made me feel less alone, some of them felt like they came directly from my head. I liked the practical advice and suggestions as well. I underlined parts that resonated with me as I read and I’ve already gone back to reference and re-read several times during my tough moments.

[Breanne McMurray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Would highly recommend to any grieving parent. Though the book isn’t all relatable, it’s filled with lots of tips and tricks to healing.