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When Parenting Isn't Perfect: Leaving Room for Grace in a Culture of Impossible Standards
Perfection is the enemy of parenting. Jim Daly sees and hears from mothers and fathers trying hard to pursue perfection. They listen to the best experts and read all the right books. When someone gives them a “World’s Best Mom” or “No. 1 Dad” coffee mug, they want it to be true. And they want their children to pursue perfection, too. It’s admirable for parents to be the very best moms and dads they can be for their children. But sometimes in so doing, they leave grace behind—both for themselves and their children. Jim believes that our quest for perfection, a quest that he believes is particularly strong among Christians, runs counter to God’s own boundless gift of grace. We can become Pharisaical parents, quoting endless rules and holding everyone to impossible standards. But God doesn’t want us, and our kids don’t need us, to be perfect. As parents, we’re called to simply do our best. And when we fail—which we will—we’re called to try again tomorrow. Though he’s the President of Focus on the Family, Jim does not promise that his book will be a catalyst for a perfect family. But it can help point the way toward a good family—one that feels safe and warm; one filled with love and laughter. This book will encourage mothers and fathers to embrace the messiness of parenthood and show grace to their own less-than-ideal children. Jim, through his own experiences, expertise, and array of stories, will lead both moms and dads to a better understanding of what being a good family is all about.
224 pages, Paperback
Published June 27, 2017
25 people are currently reading
122 people want to read
About the author
Jim Daly
77 books14 followersJim Daly (born July 22, 1961) is the head of Focus on the Family, an international Christiancommunications ministry based in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Daly is also the main host of the Focus on the Family radio program.
Daly grew up in Southern California. He was abandoned by his alcoholic father at age 5, and orphaned by his mother's death from cancer when he was 9. He was then placed in a foster home, initially in Morongo Valley California, until he moved in with his older brothers and then with his father, who eventually turned back to alcohol and died. By the time that Daly was a senior in high school, he was living on his own.
Daly experienced a Christian conversion at 15 while attending a camp run by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. He went on to study at California State University, San Bernardino, and eventually earned his Master of Business Administration from Regis University.
Daly worked in the paper industry until he was recruited to join Focus on the Family, at one-third of his six-figure private sector pay.
He has served at Focus for 16 years in a variety of positions before ascending to the presidency.
Daly grew up in Southern California. He was abandoned by his alcoholic father at age 5, and orphaned by his mother's death from cancer when he was 9. He was then placed in a foster home, initially in Morongo Valley California, until he moved in with his older brothers and then with his father, who eventually turned back to alcohol and died. By the time that Daly was a senior in high school, he was living on his own.
Daly experienced a Christian conversion at 15 while attending a camp run by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. He went on to study at California State University, San Bernardino, and eventually earned his Master of Business Administration from Regis University.
Daly worked in the paper industry until he was recruited to join Focus on the Family, at one-third of his six-figure private sector pay.
He has served at Focus for 16 years in a variety of positions before ascending to the presidency.
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
August 25, 2017
One of the best parenting books I've read in a while. I thought the stories were relevant, the advice was practical, and Daly knowledgeable. Will reference many times in the future. *I received a complimentary copy of this book*
August 7, 2017
[Note: This book was provided free of charge by BookLook/Zondervan. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]
When reading a book like this, I wonder what is meant. I am no stranger to reading books that detail the failings and try to show a sense of graciousness to parents [1], and this book fits along with most of the material in terms of its attempts at balance. While the author talks a bit about some of the more horrific forms of abuse, most of the imperfections of the parents stalked about here are matters of not listening to children, being too harsh or abrupt in terms of discipline, and in dealing with issues of anger and addiction. These are imperfections, to be sure, but they are not the sort of imperfections that really destroy a parent's credibility. Nevertheless, this book is pretty clearly based on a view that both parents and children need to view themselves and each other as being beings in need of divine and human grace because of brokenness and the influence of sin as well as the universality of human error. If you find it somewhat irksome to be hit over the head over and over again about the issue of grace, this book is likely not to be a particularly pleasant read.
In terms of its contents, this book is a fairly standard length for its publisher of being just over 200 pages, and has a nearly invisible co-writer. The book is divided into four parts with twelve fairly short chapters. The first part of the book addresses the question of being good enough, pointing out that as human beings we can never be good enough, what a family is, and whether our families are broken or merely real. Some are likely both, as was the case in my own background and that of the author. The second part of the book looks at how one builds a better family, looking at fundamentals, how opposites attract, and messy lessons of improvement. The third part of the book looked at issues of troubleshooting, examining how common the blame game is and how to stop playing it, how to make family a safe place, and how we accept the free will of others. The fourth part of the book looks at the issue of memories, examining the joy of togetherness, dealing with transitions to adulthood, and ending with a discussion of the best family.
There are a few qualities that make this book a bit tough to enjoy. As has been mentioned already, there is a lot that this book has to say about grace that can seem a bit heavy handed sometimes. In addition to that, the author engages in more than a bit oversharing about his own family. At times, such as discussing his own childhood, this is not so bad, but the way the author talks so much about his relationship with his wife and children and their struggles, it is uncomfortable. I do not know how private the author's wife and children are, but even someone as talkative about their life as I am was made uncomfortable by the level of sharing that went on here. If this is not enough to bother you, there is a lot of insight that this book has to provide, but the book does not always put its insight in the most palatable form possible. This is a book that deals openly and honestly with messy reality, and is perhaps a bit too messy, but at least the author does not present a false front to the world. One only wonders if he goes too far to the opposite extreme.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
When reading a book like this, I wonder what is meant. I am no stranger to reading books that detail the failings and try to show a sense of graciousness to parents [1], and this book fits along with most of the material in terms of its attempts at balance. While the author talks a bit about some of the more horrific forms of abuse, most of the imperfections of the parents stalked about here are matters of not listening to children, being too harsh or abrupt in terms of discipline, and in dealing with issues of anger and addiction. These are imperfections, to be sure, but they are not the sort of imperfections that really destroy a parent's credibility. Nevertheless, this book is pretty clearly based on a view that both parents and children need to view themselves and each other as being beings in need of divine and human grace because of brokenness and the influence of sin as well as the universality of human error. If you find it somewhat irksome to be hit over the head over and over again about the issue of grace, this book is likely not to be a particularly pleasant read.
In terms of its contents, this book is a fairly standard length for its publisher of being just over 200 pages, and has a nearly invisible co-writer. The book is divided into four parts with twelve fairly short chapters. The first part of the book addresses the question of being good enough, pointing out that as human beings we can never be good enough, what a family is, and whether our families are broken or merely real. Some are likely both, as was the case in my own background and that of the author. The second part of the book looks at how one builds a better family, looking at fundamentals, how opposites attract, and messy lessons of improvement. The third part of the book looked at issues of troubleshooting, examining how common the blame game is and how to stop playing it, how to make family a safe place, and how we accept the free will of others. The fourth part of the book looks at the issue of memories, examining the joy of togetherness, dealing with transitions to adulthood, and ending with a discussion of the best family.
There are a few qualities that make this book a bit tough to enjoy. As has been mentioned already, there is a lot that this book has to say about grace that can seem a bit heavy handed sometimes. In addition to that, the author engages in more than a bit oversharing about his own family. At times, such as discussing his own childhood, this is not so bad, but the way the author talks so much about his relationship with his wife and children and their struggles, it is uncomfortable. I do not know how private the author's wife and children are, but even someone as talkative about their life as I am was made uncomfortable by the level of sharing that went on here. If this is not enough to bother you, there is a lot of insight that this book has to provide, but the book does not always put its insight in the most palatable form possible. This is a book that deals openly and honestly with messy reality, and is perhaps a bit too messy, but at least the author does not present a false front to the world. One only wonders if he goes too far to the opposite extreme.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
July 18, 2017
Jim Daly’s latest book, When Parenting Isn’t Perfect, is one of the more encouraging books I have read on the subject. It is helpful by virtue of the fact that it is real and honest. The very first chapter, “Not good enough,” sets the tone for the book.
How easily we all slip into the trap of thinking that we’re working toward perfection. We put so much pressure on ourselves and our families, even though that very pressure conflicts with what Jesus talked about during his days on earth. We try so hard to be righteous on our own when Jesus has already told us, You’re not going to make it. That’s why I died for you.
Rather than writing a book spelling out the perfect formula for the perfect family, the author writes about “finding the beauty in imperfection—and how that beauty reflects God’s own relationship with us. I write about avoiding dysfunction while embracing the occasional family mess.”
The book is divided into four parts with three chapters in each section. Part 1 asks the question, “How good is good enough?” Part 2 explores the concept of building a better family with opposites and messiness. Part 3 explores troubleshooting, including avoiding blame and allowing kids to make mistakes. Part 4 stresses the importance of making memories together.
The author is open and honest about his strengths and failures as a husband and a father. He shares both his victories and his defeats in both arenas. As a result, we can easily identify with him and learn from him.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
How easily we all slip into the trap of thinking that we’re working toward perfection. We put so much pressure on ourselves and our families, even though that very pressure conflicts with what Jesus talked about during his days on earth. We try so hard to be righteous on our own when Jesus has already told us, You’re not going to make it. That’s why I died for you.
Rather than writing a book spelling out the perfect formula for the perfect family, the author writes about “finding the beauty in imperfection—and how that beauty reflects God’s own relationship with us. I write about avoiding dysfunction while embracing the occasional family mess.”
The book is divided into four parts with three chapters in each section. Part 1 asks the question, “How good is good enough?” Part 2 explores the concept of building a better family with opposites and messiness. Part 3 explores troubleshooting, including avoiding blame and allowing kids to make mistakes. Part 4 stresses the importance of making memories together.
The author is open and honest about his strengths and failures as a husband and a father. He shares both his victories and his defeats in both arenas. As a result, we can easily identify with him and learn from him.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
June 5, 2022
I really tried to get through this book, for the sake of book club. I was almost done but just couldn't take it anymore and returned it. His use of "we, as parents" was driving me crazy. Over generalizing application. Assuming that every parent that says what he says, has the same intention or thought process. Or that every child that hears what his hear, have the same reception and comprehension. If you're gonna write about your life then write about it, but don't apply your life all willy nilly onto others.
Also, if I was his kids, and even his wife, I would be absolutely mortified by things that he shares. Plus, he says not to compare kids, or to blame them, but he is comparing his kids throughout the whole thing.
This was another "let me tell you how to parent. Here's how i think i did well. But here're some examples that are supposed to be relatable but actually show you how unqualified I am to be telling you what to do" kind of book. I would have appreciated more foundation, research, studies, statistics but what he gave was an advertisement for Focus on the Family and an all too personal, and sometimes completely irrelevant, family diary.
Two stars because maybe I would have found it more applicable at a different point in my children's lives. I might have also felt differently if it was a reflection book instead of a how-to.
Also, if I was his kids, and even his wife, I would be absolutely mortified by things that he shares. Plus, he says not to compare kids, or to blame them, but he is comparing his kids throughout the whole thing.
This was another "let me tell you how to parent. Here's how i think i did well. But here're some examples that are supposed to be relatable but actually show you how unqualified I am to be telling you what to do" kind of book. I would have appreciated more foundation, research, studies, statistics but what he gave was an advertisement for Focus on the Family and an all too personal, and sometimes completely irrelevant, family diary.
Two stars because maybe I would have found it more applicable at a different point in my children's lives. I might have also felt differently if it was a reflection book instead of a how-to.
October 31, 2017
Parenting is a hard job and we always feel like we have to be the perfect parent. This book is beautifully written and provides tons of insight, motivation, and guidance. I love that it's raw and presents the bare truths about parenting. We have to accept that we aren't perfect and that parenting isn't perfect. Accepting our imperfections and learning from the mistakes is a great way to show our kids how to learn and grow as a person. It's a great way to lead by example. It's a great read that I highly recommend. It was sectioned well and offered great detail and insight into the daily struggles that parents face. This is great for expecting parents, new parents, and existing parents alike.
Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review. All opinions remain my own and weren't influenced. My opinions may differ from those of others as well as the author/publisher.
Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review. All opinions remain my own and weren't influenced. My opinions may differ from those of others as well as the author/publisher.
Want to read
December 24, 2017Amazing, just amazing!
I know that I am not alone when I focus on all of the wrong things when it comes to parenting my children. The little things that take up much of our mind and heart are not even what is most important.
This book helps to see that when we get the big things right we are changing our children's lives. It's funny that we always hear that the little things ARE the big things, but it is so true. These "little things" may not feel that big to you as adults, but to kids, these little things become big foundational moments for them. This foundation changes who they become.
Jim Daly speaks from the heart and shows that no one's life and parenting are perfect- not even his. I love the honestly and truth here. I will revisit this book often!
*Thank you to Jim Daly, Zondervan and Netgalley for providing a digital copy in exchange for an honest review.
I know that I am not alone when I focus on all of the wrong things when it comes to parenting my children. The little things that take up much of our mind and heart are not even what is most important.
This book helps to see that when we get the big things right we are changing our children's lives. It's funny that we always hear that the little things ARE the big things, but it is so true. These "little things" may not feel that big to you as adults, but to kids, these little things become big foundational moments for them. This foundation changes who they become.
Jim Daly speaks from the heart and shows that no one's life and parenting are perfect- not even his. I love the honestly and truth here. I will revisit this book often!
*Thank you to Jim Daly, Zondervan and Netgalley for providing a digital copy in exchange for an honest review.
March 3, 2018
This book starts out a little rough and choppy the first few chapters. It feels more like a commercial for Focus on the Family and some of their other resources. (I love Focus on the Family already so this just made for some sluggish reading...)
After the first few chapters, it definitely picks up as he gets into the meat of his message. And he definitely ends on a high note.
While there is nothing new or earth shattering about what he writes about, it is a good refresher book for those dreary days of parenting. Very encouraging words for when you don't feel like you will ever get this parenting thing done right! :)
After the first few chapters, it definitely picks up as he gets into the meat of his message. And he definitely ends on a high note.
While there is nothing new or earth shattering about what he writes about, it is a good refresher book for those dreary days of parenting. Very encouraging words for when you don't feel like you will ever get this parenting thing done right! :)
July 21, 2017
This is not the book I expected. You really have to get past the first chapter to get into what he is saying and it's okay. But is it more heavily biblically related than I would like in the beginning. I think some people may really like that, but in the way it was written, it was hard to swallow.
Overall though, some really good insights and stories every parent can relate to!
You can read the full review here:
http://viabella-thebeautifullife.blog...
Overall though, some really good insights and stories every parent can relate to!
You can read the full review here:
http://viabella-thebeautifullife.blog...
April 6, 2019
I think this is a good book for most people. Some may use what is being said to continue being mediocre, but that isn't what the author is saying. We put too much pressure on being perfect Daly argues. I have seen just as many parents too focused on being "real" that they don't try to live better, so for me, this wasn't a releasing as it might be for others. Overall, I would recommend this book.
February 28, 2021
Jim Daly is president of a huge family-focused ministry and he has all the tools to tell one how to raise a family but instead, he shares real-life and grace and hope. His transparency lifted a weight off my shoulders and gave encouragement to keep going and to hope. This is definitely a faith-focused book.
October 10, 2017
This was somewhat interesting, but considering I don't have kids, I'm not sure why I tortured myself to read it. I'm going to give it to a friend and see what she thinks. I think there are good tips and stories in here, just not a fast read for me.
July 10, 2020
We are all sinful human beings. There is no perfect parent. There is no perfect child. We should model the grace given to us through Jesus to our children and ourselves. I agree with what the author is saying, but I don't know if there was enough there to make a whole book out of it.
February 3, 2021
I'd listen to any words of wisdom from an author as humble and genuine as he is. I'm very glad to have crossed paths with this book---- no matter the stage you are in with parenting you will be glad to read this book!!
February 27, 2020
Gosh I could read this 3 or 4 times and still pick up new things to think about for myself and my parenting to offer more grace.
April 5, 2018
**I received a digital copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.**
Introduction
Jim Daly uses personal anecdotes both from his own childhood and from being a father himself in order to help encourage and enlighten parents. Parenting is tough, and no matter what facades we may erect in public and on social media, no parent is perfect.
The story
When we screw up and yell at our kids, or we forget a promise, or we misjudge a situation, or we make any one of innumerable possible mistakes as parents, to whom can we turn for advice? Can we ever rectify these mistakes? If so, how? Are we doomed to permanently mess up our kids? Jim Daly endeavors to answer all of these questions with compassion, personal examples, and a healthy dose of biblical application. He shares extensively about his childhood and how it shapes his decisions as a parent. He also shares recent examples of how he teams up with his wife to parent their two sons. Ultimately, Daly concludes that no parent is perfect, but God is. When we rely on God to guide us in our parenting efforts, His grace is sufficient to cover our mistakes and His love is immeasurably bigger for our kids (and for us!). God chose each of us and entrusted us with our children. As long as we strive to do our best and seek God's will, He will not allow us to irreparably "screw up" our kids.
Literary analysis
This book is engaging and contains a lot of practical, biblical advice. I enjoyed the personal anecdotes as well. It was particularly interesting to learn how Daly's childhood shaped his parenting decisions. I did feel that Daly occasionally relied a little too heavily on personal anecdotes. I would have preferred a little bit more scientific or biblical application at times. However, the book is well written. There were no errors that I could find in this edition.
Conclusion
I recommend this book as a light, easy read for those looking for some practical advice and entertaining anecdotes. It is not the deepest, most intimate or life-changing parenting book you will ever read, but it's worth your time all the same. Of anyone in the country, Jim Daly's credentials speak for themselves and When Parenting Isn't Perfect is a respectable and enlightening tome.
Introduction
Jim Daly uses personal anecdotes both from his own childhood and from being a father himself in order to help encourage and enlighten parents. Parenting is tough, and no matter what facades we may erect in public and on social media, no parent is perfect.
The story
When we screw up and yell at our kids, or we forget a promise, or we misjudge a situation, or we make any one of innumerable possible mistakes as parents, to whom can we turn for advice? Can we ever rectify these mistakes? If so, how? Are we doomed to permanently mess up our kids? Jim Daly endeavors to answer all of these questions with compassion, personal examples, and a healthy dose of biblical application. He shares extensively about his childhood and how it shapes his decisions as a parent. He also shares recent examples of how he teams up with his wife to parent their two sons. Ultimately, Daly concludes that no parent is perfect, but God is. When we rely on God to guide us in our parenting efforts, His grace is sufficient to cover our mistakes and His love is immeasurably bigger for our kids (and for us!). God chose each of us and entrusted us with our children. As long as we strive to do our best and seek God's will, He will not allow us to irreparably "screw up" our kids.
Literary analysis
This book is engaging and contains a lot of practical, biblical advice. I enjoyed the personal anecdotes as well. It was particularly interesting to learn how Daly's childhood shaped his parenting decisions. I did feel that Daly occasionally relied a little too heavily on personal anecdotes. I would have preferred a little bit more scientific or biblical application at times. However, the book is well written. There were no errors that I could find in this edition.
Conclusion
I recommend this book as a light, easy read for those looking for some practical advice and entertaining anecdotes. It is not the deepest, most intimate or life-changing parenting book you will ever read, but it's worth your time all the same. Of anyone in the country, Jim Daly's credentials speak for themselves and When Parenting Isn't Perfect is a respectable and enlightening tome.
Read
October 29, 2017I would highly recommend .
I loved everything about this book. The author is transparent about his struggles and I appreciated his biblically based advice.
This book is relevant no matter where in this parenting gig we’re in.
I loved everything about this book. The author is transparent about his struggles and I appreciated his biblically based advice.
This book is relevant no matter where in this parenting gig we’re in.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews