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Before You Hit Send: Preventing Headache and Heartache
When will we learn? With every sunrise we are given plenty of new examples of people “Hitting Send” and soon regretting it. Social media means what it it is social! Our methods of communication today allow for something to potentially be broadcast to everyone from Pekin, Illinois to Peking, China. But it’s not only Twitter fanatics who can find themselves in trouble. Every single one of us is capable of falling prey to this growing plague. Every day we have the potential of both verbal and written blunders. It makes no difference if we are talking to a stranger over a meat counter, chatting on a cell phone with our mother, or sending an e-mail to a coworker; we can and do miscommunicate and people can and do get the wrong idea. When we don't pause long enough to think before speaking or writing, it commonly yields a misunderstanding and leads to a clash. We end up being the person who said, “You know that sphere of the brain that stops you from saying something that you shouldn't? Well, I don’t have one of those.” This book is about preventing that misunderstanding and allowing for understanding. Said another way, preempting people from getting the wrong idea and enabling them to get the right idea! We all need work in this area in far more ways than just glancing through a checklist. From external examples to internal turmoil, Before You Hit Send is about the four things we must think through before communicating. In all things we wish to say or write, we would be wise to ask ourselves, When we ask and answer these four questions honestly, we will be thinking wisely before we speak. But to explore this fully, we need to find out a whole lot more about ourselves and uncover why we consciously and subconsciously get into these communication disasters to begin with. You may be surprised what you discover about yourself. Shall we begin?
250 pages, Hardcover
Published January 1, 2017
43 people are currently reading
314 people want to read
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August 30, 2017
[Note: This book was provided free of charge by BookLook/Thomas Nelson Publishing. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]
There is a deep irony within this book, and that is that this book was written by the same gentleman who wrote Love & Respect and its family of books [1] but that the book largely fails on precisely those two grounds. Make no mistake, this book is a failure. It is not a failure in the sense that the book is useless, for it is very useful and contains a great deal of insight. This book is a failure though because the author has an obvious goal of making a classic work that will both address key issues of communication in our times as well as do so from an enduring Christian perspective but comes off as being less than kind and less than respectful to his audience. For most writers dealing with the issue of communication [2], a certain disrespect would not come off as so damaging, but this is an author who made his reputation on showing the importance of love and respect and here he simply drops the ball, and the context of the author's work makes this more unpleasant to read than I thought would be the case. By no means is this a bad book, but with a bit more sensitivity it could have been a far better book.
This book is about 240 small pages and is divided into four very straightforward questions that the author rather sensibly argues should govern every bit of communication we send: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear? In each chapter the author talks about how the principle is often ignored in our world, categorizes people based on how and why they ignore or fail to follow the principle, and then urges an approach to help the reader encourage themselves or others who have that particular failing for that particular reason in adopting more godly means of communication. The author provides a lot of insight, much of it gained perhaps somewhat awkwardly by people oversharing on social media in response to the author's Love & Respect books, but the tone of the book comes off as a bit critical and mean-spirited. Even though the author speaks rather negatively about the approach of people who tell the truth bluntly or who say too much, the author shows both tendencies himself in this book.
Ultimately, the author seems a bit unaware of the tension between the four qualities of communication. Speaking the truth, the whole, truth, and nothing but the truth, as the author speaks of in the first chapter, is in tension with the third principle of being economical with one's truth and only saying what is necessary. Likewise, the principle of focusing on kindness in communications is in tension with clarity of communications. It is easy to see where people could go wrong in many different ways, and not necessarily because of moral failure. It is, in the end, the author's determination to label people by their communication habits that comes off as being the most unkind. And since this is an author who claims the moral high ground in terms of the tone of his own communications, the way this book is structured comes off far worse than it would for someone who did not have the image of being focused on love or respect, neither of which is showed to the massive amount of people who would find themselves labeled in this book. As is often the case in books like this, had the author been more modest in his own self-presentation, he would achieved more in actually showing the qualities he talks about in this book. And in a book about communication, one cannot really tell effectively unless one shows the principles one purports to be an expert of.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...
[2] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
There is a deep irony within this book, and that is that this book was written by the same gentleman who wrote Love & Respect and its family of books [1] but that the book largely fails on precisely those two grounds. Make no mistake, this book is a failure. It is not a failure in the sense that the book is useless, for it is very useful and contains a great deal of insight. This book is a failure though because the author has an obvious goal of making a classic work that will both address key issues of communication in our times as well as do so from an enduring Christian perspective but comes off as being less than kind and less than respectful to his audience. For most writers dealing with the issue of communication [2], a certain disrespect would not come off as so damaging, but this is an author who made his reputation on showing the importance of love and respect and here he simply drops the ball, and the context of the author's work makes this more unpleasant to read than I thought would be the case. By no means is this a bad book, but with a bit more sensitivity it could have been a far better book.
This book is about 240 small pages and is divided into four very straightforward questions that the author rather sensibly argues should govern every bit of communication we send: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear? In each chapter the author talks about how the principle is often ignored in our world, categorizes people based on how and why they ignore or fail to follow the principle, and then urges an approach to help the reader encourage themselves or others who have that particular failing for that particular reason in adopting more godly means of communication. The author provides a lot of insight, much of it gained perhaps somewhat awkwardly by people oversharing on social media in response to the author's Love & Respect books, but the tone of the book comes off as a bit critical and mean-spirited. Even though the author speaks rather negatively about the approach of people who tell the truth bluntly or who say too much, the author shows both tendencies himself in this book.
Ultimately, the author seems a bit unaware of the tension between the four qualities of communication. Speaking the truth, the whole, truth, and nothing but the truth, as the author speaks of in the first chapter, is in tension with the third principle of being economical with one's truth and only saying what is necessary. Likewise, the principle of focusing on kindness in communications is in tension with clarity of communications. It is easy to see where people could go wrong in many different ways, and not necessarily because of moral failure. It is, in the end, the author's determination to label people by their communication habits that comes off as being the most unkind. And since this is an author who claims the moral high ground in terms of the tone of his own communications, the way this book is structured comes off far worse than it would for someone who did not have the image of being focused on love or respect, neither of which is showed to the massive amount of people who would find themselves labeled in this book. As is often the case in books like this, had the author been more modest in his own self-presentation, he would achieved more in actually showing the qualities he talks about in this book. And in a book about communication, one cannot really tell effectively unless one shows the principles one purports to be an expert of.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...
[2] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
October 8, 2022
Very, very easy to read. But the book will kick you in the seat of your pants. It’s a very simple set of concepts the think through before you post, tweet, email, speak, etc. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear? It all sounds simple enough, but then as the author delves deeper, we begin to squirm because he gets too close to home. I recommend the book for our politicians, social media warriors, and virtual braggadocios. But I highly recommend it for the rest of us. It will save you tons of embarrassment and trouble…just as the subtitle puts it.
May 9, 2018
I've read Eggerichs' most known work, Love and Respect, and have taken the related class through my church. I found it insightful and helpful. I picked this up at the library knowing nothing about it beyond the author. If this was my first experience with Eggerichs' work, then I wouldn't pick up anything else by him. He makes the point about communication early (a 4 part process to communicate effectively), maybe by page 25 or so, but then it meanders through only loosely related issues such as types of liars, types of manipulation, etc. that stray far from the books first thesis. While I appreciate his assertion that both the speaker (or writer) and hearer (or reader) have an obligation to make sure a topic is being communicated effectively, I'm not sure putting a label on all the ways communication can go wrong really aids in more effective communication. However, it was the overuse of cliches, internet anecdotes, and random jokes to make his points rather than real world, accurate examples that ruined this one for me. This is like a great first draft with some good ideas that could have been made great with some real research. Unfortunately, it reads like someone's rambling opinion blog post.
August 23, 2017
Every person who has access to E-mail and social media should have to read this book and take a test.
I found it one of the best books and with so many quotes that I had to share a few of them on my facebook page. This is perfect timing all the hate and politics this needs to be said and I am so glad that Emerson had the guts to write this book.
There is so much packed into this little book. A lot to chew on. I think this would make a wonderful study.
I gave this book 5 stars and the content needs to be read by ALL. Written by an author we all trust, why not give this one top priority and read it and share it with those you love. I will be keeping a copy on my shelf, as well as giving copies to many friends.
The Mary Reader received this book from the publisher for review. A favorable review was not required and all views expressed are our own.
I found it one of the best books and with so many quotes that I had to share a few of them on my facebook page. This is perfect timing all the hate and politics this needs to be said and I am so glad that Emerson had the guts to write this book.
There is so much packed into this little book. A lot to chew on. I think this would make a wonderful study.
I gave this book 5 stars and the content needs to be read by ALL. Written by an author we all trust, why not give this one top priority and read it and share it with those you love. I will be keeping a copy on my shelf, as well as giving copies to many friends.
The Mary Reader received this book from the publisher for review. A favorable review was not required and all views expressed are our own.
June 11, 2018
I was first introduced to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' work about a decade ago when my wife and I were at the local Christian bookstore, and one of his books about communication in marriage was on sale. I picked it up and found that it was on target with what Scripture taught about male and female communication and what my wife and I had experienced in our own marriage. After reading his flagship book "Love and Respect: The Love She Desires Most; The Respect He Desperately Needs" and listening to the podcast he produced for a couple years, I (along with many others) realized that the communication principles he drew from Scripture rang true in all relationships, not just marriage.
When I found out that he wrote a book on general communication in all relationships and focused on communication in the age of social media, I was ecstatic! As a defender of the Christian worldview, I am constantly engaging skeptics and presenting the evidence for the truth of what I believe. The common passage of scripture that is quoted to support this aspect of evangelism is 1 Peter 3:15: "Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you, and do so with gentleness and respect." This passage emphasizes not merely the content of our defense but also the delivery of the content: "with gentleness and respect." Learning to be wise communicators is necessary for anyone who wishes to obey Peter's command in full. That is why I chose to review "Before You Hit Send: Preventing Headache and Heartache" on Faithful Thinkers. As with my other reviews, this one will be a chapter-by-chapter summary. Eggerichs describes eighty (yes, 80) unique pitfalls in communication, and while I will not attempt to describe each one, I have added bold type to emphasize their particular applicability to those defending the faith. Before I get to the review, here is a short interview with Dr. Eggerichs about the content of the book: (all bold type, videos, and quotes are available on the original, media-enhanced version of this review here: https://lukenixblog.blogspot.com/2018...).
Chapter 1: Is It True?
Eggerichs begins his discussion by focusing on true communication. Unless our communication is true, it does not matter if it is kind or clear, and it certainly is not necessary. This chapter is the foundation of the rest of the book, and it must be read and reflected upon carefully. There exist numerous ways in which and for which false communication can take place. Everything from the innocent mistake to the nefarious deception, though, all have the same consequence: the guilty party is seen as untrustworthy. This has many implications not only in our personal lives and in society but also in our spiritual lives. God does not lie, and we, as Christians, are called to imitate Christ, so even the "innocent" falsehood is problematic. Eggerichs lists and describes twenty different ways in which our communication can be untrue. Excuses and reasons, subtleties and blatancies, and even culturally "gray" areas are all discussed. He calls them "rational lies" and breaks them down like this:
The Fearful
The Selfish
The Evasive
The Prideful
The Expedient
The Emotional
The Inattentive
The Flatterer
The Self-Deluded
The Chameleon
The Entrapped
The Protector
The Chronic
The Copycat
The Perpetuator
The Ashamed
The Oath-Maker
The Brainy
The Wordsmith
The Self-Amuser
As he discusses each in detail, Eggerichs emphasizes the importance of making the personal decision to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. With the wide range of possible ways that exist and rationalizations that people give to bend the truth or flat-out lie, there will be at least one of the twenty that will apply to every reader and to others whom the reader may have in mind. Not only does Eggerichs lovingly and respectfully address the reader's possible struggles with telling the truth, but he also advises how the reader may address others who struggle as well.
As I mentioned in the introduction, I placed several of the "rational lies" in the above list in bold type. These are ones that I have seen (or am personally guilty of) that are great temptations or exhibited more often than should be considered "honest mistakes" (even in myself) in those who are involved in defending the truth of Christianity (the main purpose of this blog). For any Christian who discusses the reasons Christianity is true, we should take extra care in self-reflecting as we read through these specific sections. These are important, not only right before we "hit send" but also long before, in our studies and reflections on the content of our defense. Even if our intention is as noble as "defending the truth," we can still fall victim to one or more of the many ways to communicate falsehood. We must be committed and constantly make the conscious choice to check our communication for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth before we hit send so that skeptics cannot use our untrustworthiness as an excuse to reject the Creator and Savior.
Chapter 2: Is It Kind?
Many people believe that speaking the truth is all that is required of them in their communication. Unfortunately, many communications of the truth are done in ways that are unkind and hateful. This kind of presentation takes the focus off the content of the communication and places it on the attitude of the communicator, and it makes the truth being spoken undesirable, at best. Eggerichs presents the biblical case for "speak[ing] the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) using numerous passages from both the Old and New Testaments. As with struggles to speak the truth, there are also many struggles to speak kindly. Many people try to justify their unkind speech, and others are simply unaware of their harshness. Eggerichs has twenty categories here that warrant close self-examination:
The Bully
The Retaliator
The Blunt
The Unempathetic
The Impatient
The Vangquisher
The Resenter
The Conditional
The Defeated
The Envious
The Intolerant
The Unmindful
The Unintentional
The Rebel
The Du Jour
The Anti-Social
The Deaf
The Offspringer
The Abuser
The Self-Hater
Eggerichs explains the behavioral characteristics of each of these type of people and why those characteristics in their communication are unkind. He gently addresses rationalizations for the behaviors and how to avoid them. As with the previous chapter, Eggerichs also provides advice to the person who is either on the accepting end of such a communication or has witnessed the unkind behavior.
As with the previous list, I have placed some in bold type that I see, experience, and perpetrate in the defense of the Christian worldview to skeptics and in theological discussions with fellow Christians. Even though we are communicating the truth, in general or in the details, if we do not present the truth "with gentleness and respect" (1 Peter 3:15), our arguments are not likely to be accepted or even considered. As the Body of Christ, we serve as His representatives on earth; and if we communicate unkindly, the world will see that unkindness as a reflection of Christ. If we inaccurately reflect Christ, it is actually an unwittingly false communication. Communicating kindly is as important as communicating the truth because it serves as a witness of who God is.
Chapter 3: Is It Necessary?
Now, just because something we want to say is true and the way we wish to say it is kind does not mean that we should say it. Some things, though true and kind, are simply not necessary. Eggerichs builds his biblical case for ensuring that our communication is necessary on, among many others, Matthew 12:26-27:
"But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."
Many different reasons exist for how people rationalize their communication of unnecessary information. Many of them are innocent enough in intention but can have undesired ramifications, and others are more sinister and have appropriate consequences in relationships. The people who communicate unnecessarily tend to be described as:
The TMI Person
The Volcano
The Coarse
The Untimely
The Gossip
The Prying
The Loose Cannon
The Non-Listener
The Rehasher
The Pity-Partier
The Spy
The Mother
The Chatterbox
The Exaggerator
The Interrupter
The Grumbler
The Distractor
The Limelighter
The Pile-on-er
The Unprayerful
Eggerichs describes how each person rationalizes their unnecessary communication in unique ways and how those rationalizations fail. He explains how others tend to react to these different unnecessary communications which makes the case for why the reader should make the effort to avoid them before hitting send.
Once again, I have placed several in bold type that I have mastered (not in the good way) and have witnessed as people defend the truth of Christianity and engage in theological discussions. Unfortunately, even though we present the truth kindly, we may present it in an unnecessary context or in an unnecessary way, which makes our message less "seasoned with salt," and our intended audience may not even be receptive in the particular context we choose to communicate. This has the effect of making our message seem out of place, overwhelming, or undesirable altogether. Eggerichs emphasizes that we all need to be prayerful about the right timing and level of our communication to ensure that a rejection of the message is not due to our unwise choice of communicating unnecessarily.
Chapter 4: Is It Clear?
Of course, our communication can be truthful, kind, and necessary yet be unclear. This fourth component is vital. If we are not making sense with our words, our point will not be understood, and it will be discarded; and if this happens often, a person's willingness to listen to us will be diminished greatly. 1 Corinthians 14:9 is the first verse that Eggerichs offers in his biblical case for the necessity clear communication:
"So also you, unless you utter by the tongue speech that is clear, how will it be known what is spoken? For you will be speaking into the air."
Being unclear in our communication is often unintentional, but if it goes unaddressed it will render our words useless to our audience. As with the other three necessary components of communication being unclear comes in many different forms. Eggerichs describes them as follows:
The Unaware
The Mystical
The Spiderwebber
The Misconstrued
The Incomplete
The Willfully Ignorant
The Disorganized
The Snob
The Jokester
The Unedited
The Hasty
The Fence Sitter
The Provoked
The Indecisive
The Relativist
The Humble
The Overly Sensitive
The Intoner
The Weary
The Panicking
The Hypocrite
Clear communication is necessary to every part of our lives, and in the age of online communication where character space is limited and many people feel the pressure to respond quickly, unclear communication has become a habit of our culture. While there are many contributors to unclear communication, the common solution is to put ourselves in the place of the person on the other end and ask if we would understand the statement properly in their context.
Again, I have highlighted the types of unclear communication that I see (and do, myself) in the context of defending the truth of the Christian worldview on the internet. As we articulate the case for Christianity, we know that clear communication is necessary and many of us are very careful to ensure that that is done. We value honest feedback on our attempts to formulate and communicate our arguments. In his descriptions and advice regarding causes of and manifestations of unclear communication, Eggerichs offers feedback that every Christian case-maker needs to hear.
Epilogue- After We Hit Send
Careful communication is the responsibility of every person who wishes to communicate in any context. It is not possible to be perfect in our communication at all time; every reader has their faults and even after recognition, mistakes will be made. In this final chapter Eggerichs offers advice on how to move forward if (when) we find ourselves guilty of untruthful, unkind, unnecessary, and unclear communication: First, we must admit our fault and seek forgiveness of the person our communication has hurt; in addition to that, we also need to make the conscious choice to not do the same thing again. Second, we must always be in prayer as we communicate so that we will communicate wisely to others so that they will understand and be receptive to the truth that is necessary for them to hear.
Reviewer's Thoughts
"Before You Hit Send" is an incredible read. Because of the fact that I have dedicated my life to defending the truth of the Christian worldview, which has eternal consequences for my audience, along with being in constant prayer, I am always looking for ways to ensure that I am communicating my case as persuasively as possible. As we defend the truth of Christianity, we may be removing intellectual stumbling blocks, but we may be introducing emotional ones. Kind, necessary, and clear communication are equally as necessary as true communication. In so thoroughly covering the possible pitfalls in all four aspects of our communication, Dr. Eggerichs has provided an indispensable resource.
The principles discussed, of course, apply to all of our communicative relationships on all topics, whether at home, at work, at church, at the coffee shop, or on social media. We must remember that every time that we communicate with another person, as Christians, we are giving them an impression of Christ, so we must guard that impression to ensure that we accurately reflect Him. Whether we are actively looking for the opportunity to evangelize and defend or not, at some point, we will be called upon to give a reason for the hope that we have to those we have communicated with, and we do not want our past failures to taint the answer that we provide. I highly recommend "Before You Hit Send." Every Christian needs to read this book thoughtfully and prayerfully.
When I found out that he wrote a book on general communication in all relationships and focused on communication in the age of social media, I was ecstatic! As a defender of the Christian worldview, I am constantly engaging skeptics and presenting the evidence for the truth of what I believe. The common passage of scripture that is quoted to support this aspect of evangelism is 1 Peter 3:15: "Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you, and do so with gentleness and respect." This passage emphasizes not merely the content of our defense but also the delivery of the content: "with gentleness and respect." Learning to be wise communicators is necessary for anyone who wishes to obey Peter's command in full. That is why I chose to review "Before You Hit Send: Preventing Headache and Heartache" on Faithful Thinkers. As with my other reviews, this one will be a chapter-by-chapter summary. Eggerichs describes eighty (yes, 80) unique pitfalls in communication, and while I will not attempt to describe each one, I have added bold type to emphasize their particular applicability to those defending the faith. Before I get to the review, here is a short interview with Dr. Eggerichs about the content of the book: (all bold type, videos, and quotes are available on the original, media-enhanced version of this review here: https://lukenixblog.blogspot.com/2018...).
Chapter 1: Is It True?
Eggerichs begins his discussion by focusing on true communication. Unless our communication is true, it does not matter if it is kind or clear, and it certainly is not necessary. This chapter is the foundation of the rest of the book, and it must be read and reflected upon carefully. There exist numerous ways in which and for which false communication can take place. Everything from the innocent mistake to the nefarious deception, though, all have the same consequence: the guilty party is seen as untrustworthy. This has many implications not only in our personal lives and in society but also in our spiritual lives. God does not lie, and we, as Christians, are called to imitate Christ, so even the "innocent" falsehood is problematic. Eggerichs lists and describes twenty different ways in which our communication can be untrue. Excuses and reasons, subtleties and blatancies, and even culturally "gray" areas are all discussed. He calls them "rational lies" and breaks them down like this:
The Fearful
The Selfish
The Evasive
The Prideful
The Expedient
The Emotional
The Inattentive
The Flatterer
The Self-Deluded
The Chameleon
The Entrapped
The Protector
The Chronic
The Copycat
The Perpetuator
The Ashamed
The Oath-Maker
The Brainy
The Wordsmith
The Self-Amuser
As he discusses each in detail, Eggerichs emphasizes the importance of making the personal decision to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. With the wide range of possible ways that exist and rationalizations that people give to bend the truth or flat-out lie, there will be at least one of the twenty that will apply to every reader and to others whom the reader may have in mind. Not only does Eggerichs lovingly and respectfully address the reader's possible struggles with telling the truth, but he also advises how the reader may address others who struggle as well.
As I mentioned in the introduction, I placed several of the "rational lies" in the above list in bold type. These are ones that I have seen (or am personally guilty of) that are great temptations or exhibited more often than should be considered "honest mistakes" (even in myself) in those who are involved in defending the truth of Christianity (the main purpose of this blog). For any Christian who discusses the reasons Christianity is true, we should take extra care in self-reflecting as we read through these specific sections. These are important, not only right before we "hit send" but also long before, in our studies and reflections on the content of our defense. Even if our intention is as noble as "defending the truth," we can still fall victim to one or more of the many ways to communicate falsehood. We must be committed and constantly make the conscious choice to check our communication for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth before we hit send so that skeptics cannot use our untrustworthiness as an excuse to reject the Creator and Savior.
Chapter 2: Is It Kind?
Many people believe that speaking the truth is all that is required of them in their communication. Unfortunately, many communications of the truth are done in ways that are unkind and hateful. This kind of presentation takes the focus off the content of the communication and places it on the attitude of the communicator, and it makes the truth being spoken undesirable, at best. Eggerichs presents the biblical case for "speak[ing] the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) using numerous passages from both the Old and New Testaments. As with struggles to speak the truth, there are also many struggles to speak kindly. Many people try to justify their unkind speech, and others are simply unaware of their harshness. Eggerichs has twenty categories here that warrant close self-examination:
The Bully
The Retaliator
The Blunt
The Unempathetic
The Impatient
The Vangquisher
The Resenter
The Conditional
The Defeated
The Envious
The Intolerant
The Unmindful
The Unintentional
The Rebel
The Du Jour
The Anti-Social
The Deaf
The Offspringer
The Abuser
The Self-Hater
Eggerichs explains the behavioral characteristics of each of these type of people and why those characteristics in their communication are unkind. He gently addresses rationalizations for the behaviors and how to avoid them. As with the previous chapter, Eggerichs also provides advice to the person who is either on the accepting end of such a communication or has witnessed the unkind behavior.
As with the previous list, I have placed some in bold type that I see, experience, and perpetrate in the defense of the Christian worldview to skeptics and in theological discussions with fellow Christians. Even though we are communicating the truth, in general or in the details, if we do not present the truth "with gentleness and respect" (1 Peter 3:15), our arguments are not likely to be accepted or even considered. As the Body of Christ, we serve as His representatives on earth; and if we communicate unkindly, the world will see that unkindness as a reflection of Christ. If we inaccurately reflect Christ, it is actually an unwittingly false communication. Communicating kindly is as important as communicating the truth because it serves as a witness of who God is.
Chapter 3: Is It Necessary?
Now, just because something we want to say is true and the way we wish to say it is kind does not mean that we should say it. Some things, though true and kind, are simply not necessary. Eggerichs builds his biblical case for ensuring that our communication is necessary on, among many others, Matthew 12:26-27:
"But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."
Many different reasons exist for how people rationalize their communication of unnecessary information. Many of them are innocent enough in intention but can have undesired ramifications, and others are more sinister and have appropriate consequences in relationships. The people who communicate unnecessarily tend to be described as:
The TMI Person
The Volcano
The Coarse
The Untimely
The Gossip
The Prying
The Loose Cannon
The Non-Listener
The Rehasher
The Pity-Partier
The Spy
The Mother
The Chatterbox
The Exaggerator
The Interrupter
The Grumbler
The Distractor
The Limelighter
The Pile-on-er
The Unprayerful
Eggerichs describes how each person rationalizes their unnecessary communication in unique ways and how those rationalizations fail. He explains how others tend to react to these different unnecessary communications which makes the case for why the reader should make the effort to avoid them before hitting send.
Once again, I have placed several in bold type that I have mastered (not in the good way) and have witnessed as people defend the truth of Christianity and engage in theological discussions. Unfortunately, even though we present the truth kindly, we may present it in an unnecessary context or in an unnecessary way, which makes our message less "seasoned with salt," and our intended audience may not even be receptive in the particular context we choose to communicate. This has the effect of making our message seem out of place, overwhelming, or undesirable altogether. Eggerichs emphasizes that we all need to be prayerful about the right timing and level of our communication to ensure that a rejection of the message is not due to our unwise choice of communicating unnecessarily.
Chapter 4: Is It Clear?
Of course, our communication can be truthful, kind, and necessary yet be unclear. This fourth component is vital. If we are not making sense with our words, our point will not be understood, and it will be discarded; and if this happens often, a person's willingness to listen to us will be diminished greatly. 1 Corinthians 14:9 is the first verse that Eggerichs offers in his biblical case for the necessity clear communication:
"So also you, unless you utter by the tongue speech that is clear, how will it be known what is spoken? For you will be speaking into the air."
Being unclear in our communication is often unintentional, but if it goes unaddressed it will render our words useless to our audience. As with the other three necessary components of communication being unclear comes in many different forms. Eggerichs describes them as follows:
The Unaware
The Mystical
The Spiderwebber
The Misconstrued
The Incomplete
The Willfully Ignorant
The Disorganized
The Snob
The Jokester
The Unedited
The Hasty
The Fence Sitter
The Provoked
The Indecisive
The Relativist
The Humble
The Overly Sensitive
The Intoner
The Weary
The Panicking
The Hypocrite
Clear communication is necessary to every part of our lives, and in the age of online communication where character space is limited and many people feel the pressure to respond quickly, unclear communication has become a habit of our culture. While there are many contributors to unclear communication, the common solution is to put ourselves in the place of the person on the other end and ask if we would understand the statement properly in their context.
Again, I have highlighted the types of unclear communication that I see (and do, myself) in the context of defending the truth of the Christian worldview on the internet. As we articulate the case for Christianity, we know that clear communication is necessary and many of us are very careful to ensure that that is done. We value honest feedback on our attempts to formulate and communicate our arguments. In his descriptions and advice regarding causes of and manifestations of unclear communication, Eggerichs offers feedback that every Christian case-maker needs to hear.
Epilogue- After We Hit Send
Careful communication is the responsibility of every person who wishes to communicate in any context. It is not possible to be perfect in our communication at all time; every reader has their faults and even after recognition, mistakes will be made. In this final chapter Eggerichs offers advice on how to move forward if (when) we find ourselves guilty of untruthful, unkind, unnecessary, and unclear communication: First, we must admit our fault and seek forgiveness of the person our communication has hurt; in addition to that, we also need to make the conscious choice to not do the same thing again. Second, we must always be in prayer as we communicate so that we will communicate wisely to others so that they will understand and be receptive to the truth that is necessary for them to hear.
Reviewer's Thoughts
"Before You Hit Send" is an incredible read. Because of the fact that I have dedicated my life to defending the truth of the Christian worldview, which has eternal consequences for my audience, along with being in constant prayer, I am always looking for ways to ensure that I am communicating my case as persuasively as possible. As we defend the truth of Christianity, we may be removing intellectual stumbling blocks, but we may be introducing emotional ones. Kind, necessary, and clear communication are equally as necessary as true communication. In so thoroughly covering the possible pitfalls in all four aspects of our communication, Dr. Eggerichs has provided an indispensable resource.
The principles discussed, of course, apply to all of our communicative relationships on all topics, whether at home, at work, at church, at the coffee shop, or on social media. We must remember that every time that we communicate with another person, as Christians, we are giving them an impression of Christ, so we must guard that impression to ensure that we accurately reflect Him. Whether we are actively looking for the opportunity to evangelize and defend or not, at some point, we will be called upon to give a reason for the hope that we have to those we have communicated with, and we do not want our past failures to taint the answer that we provide. I highly recommend "Before You Hit Send." Every Christian needs to read this book thoughtfully and prayerfully.
March 24, 2022
3.5-4 stars?
October 4, 2017
I picked up this book 1) because I think Emerson Eggerichs usually has interesting points to make, and 2) couldn't we all use a little more help when it comes to thinking before we comment? In person and online? I think so.
This book wasn't quite what I expected, but I still had plenty to think about while I was reading it.
I would say the title of this book is a little misleading in that it doesn't actually talk specifically about social media. I was all ready to be self-righteous and nod my head as he gave reasons against social media rants, but this book focused more on interactions with people in general. I had no self-righteous head nods as I realized that yes, I do have some of my own problems with each of the points he listed, and it challenged me to think a little more carefully about how I am communicating.
His focus in this book is to remind readers to ask themselves four questions (that you've probably heard) before speaking: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?
He takes a section for each question and shares different ways in which people may not be true, kind necessary, or clear in their communication. I thought he did a good job of breaking things down and getting you to think about different ways that you may be falling into less-than-helpful communication habits - including some that weren't as obvious. I think we can all think of an interaction where someone else was less than true, kind, necessary, or clear, but Eggerichs made me think about where I need to work on those areas, which made this book really helpful.
My only complaint is that some of his suggestions for what to say to different types of people about their communication didn't necessarily come off as kind to me, but that probably depends on the tone in which it is said (or maybe it's just because my personality is different than Eggerichs).
This book is definitely helpful if you want to become a more constructive communicator, so if it sounds interesting, check it out! (Just don't expect a lot about social media.)
Note: I received a copy of this book for free in exchange for a review. This is my honest opinion.
This book wasn't quite what I expected, but I still had plenty to think about while I was reading it.
I would say the title of this book is a little misleading in that it doesn't actually talk specifically about social media. I was all ready to be self-righteous and nod my head as he gave reasons against social media rants, but this book focused more on interactions with people in general. I had no self-righteous head nods as I realized that yes, I do have some of my own problems with each of the points he listed, and it challenged me to think a little more carefully about how I am communicating.
His focus in this book is to remind readers to ask themselves four questions (that you've probably heard) before speaking: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it clear?
He takes a section for each question and shares different ways in which people may not be true, kind necessary, or clear in their communication. I thought he did a good job of breaking things down and getting you to think about different ways that you may be falling into less-than-helpful communication habits - including some that weren't as obvious. I think we can all think of an interaction where someone else was less than true, kind, necessary, or clear, but Eggerichs made me think about where I need to work on those areas, which made this book really helpful.
My only complaint is that some of his suggestions for what to say to different types of people about their communication didn't necessarily come off as kind to me, but that probably depends on the tone in which it is said (or maybe it's just because my personality is different than Eggerichs).
This book is definitely helpful if you want to become a more constructive communicator, so if it sounds interesting, check it out! (Just don't expect a lot about social media.)
Note: I received a copy of this book for free in exchange for a review. This is my honest opinion.
August 10, 2017
How many of us have created a mountain of heartache reaped a harvest of hurt feelings because we hurriedly posted a comment on Facebook, tweeted an inappropriate response, or vented in a blog post or email? Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has written a very practical volume to help prevent that from happening again.
While Before you Hit Send: Preventing Headache & Heartache is aimed at the phenomenon of social media, it provides helpful and practical advice for communication in every form. Emerson poses four questions that should guide all of our communication—Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? and, Is it clear? He devotes one chapter to each one of these questions.
The chapters are laid in identical form. They begin with a Scriptural Meditation on the question. He gives numerous verses that provide biblical guidelines for true, kind, necessary, and clear communication. He then discusses the heart of the issue, trying to define what is most important regarding the topic. He discusses how the Golden Rule applies to each question. He then identifies at least twenty mistakes that we make when it comes to true, kind, necessary, and clear communication, as well as how to fix the problem in your own communication and how to address those who abuse it in communicating to you. He closes each chapter by reminding the reader of the standard that God calls us to in communication.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
While Before you Hit Send: Preventing Headache & Heartache is aimed at the phenomenon of social media, it provides helpful and practical advice for communication in every form. Emerson poses four questions that should guide all of our communication—Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? and, Is it clear? He devotes one chapter to each one of these questions.
The chapters are laid in identical form. They begin with a Scriptural Meditation on the question. He gives numerous verses that provide biblical guidelines for true, kind, necessary, and clear communication. He then discusses the heart of the issue, trying to define what is most important regarding the topic. He discusses how the Golden Rule applies to each question. He then identifies at least twenty mistakes that we make when it comes to true, kind, necessary, and clear communication, as well as how to fix the problem in your own communication and how to address those who abuse it in communicating to you. He closes each chapter by reminding the reader of the standard that God calls us to in communication.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
October 31, 2017
Social media is an addiction like no other. We all find ourselves glued to the time lines and interacting with people we've never met on a daily basis. Sure, it has the potential to enrich your life. You can stay in contact with family, share pictures and videos, and even learn about new recipes. However, once you publish something- it's out there. There's no true way to delete it. I've seen far too many social media fights and ugly words said. Videos of fights, live streams lashing out at someone else, and pictures that never should have been taken. It's hard to reach to a teen and explain to them the damage that this truly does.
My husband and I sat down and read this book with our teen, in an effort to make him see just how drastic his actions can be. He wasn't into it at first, but eventually began to ask questions and saw how important it was to be positive, helpful, and respectful when posting things online.
My husband and I sat down and read this book with our teen, in an effort to make him see just how drastic his actions can be. He wasn't into it at first, but eventually began to ask questions and saw how important it was to be positive, helpful, and respectful when posting things online.
August 12, 2017
Before You Hit Send Preventing Headache and Heartache is a book that is aimed to prevent you from having to deal with the backlash from an inappropriate comment that many have posted in a hurry on social media. One single comment posted on Twitter or Facebook can cause a mountain of drama from hurt feelings. Not only is this book a great guide for social media but for communication in general. Dr. Eggerichs provides you with a guide of four questions that you should ask before you response or reply. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? and Is it clear? There is a chapter for each of these questions along with scriptural meditation and biblical guidelines. All of which helps you to learn to give clear and precise communication for any situation. There is even a list of at least twenty mistakes each of us makes and how to address the problem. This book is a must read for anyone who uses social media.
August 30, 2017
I received a complimentary copy.
I am so guilty of doing this because I tend to be in a huge rush and need to get things done, well at least with this book I can better relate and find ways to fix my errors, because let's face it, not everyone is perfect.
I also know that emails are so impersonal that you can write something and mean to say it so many different ways, with this book it is really going to be pointed out. Plus not everyone is going to get your talking style over the internet, so taking a few extra minutes to really grasp and respond makes all the difference.
I am so guilty of doing this because I tend to be in a huge rush and need to get things done, well at least with this book I can better relate and find ways to fix my errors, because let's face it, not everyone is perfect.
I also know that emails are so impersonal that you can write something and mean to say it so many different ways, with this book it is really going to be pointed out. Plus not everyone is going to get your talking style over the internet, so taking a few extra minutes to really grasp and respond makes all the difference.
May 14, 2018
The foundation for this book is rock solid. We live in a time when people can't wait to spout off opinions online to attack others, never considering the effects of their language and the message they are sending. While I love the bare bones of this book, it's pretty repetitive. This is a good quick read that you can probably just skim.
August 26, 2017
Loved his book on marriage and had to read this since I have hit send before thinking. Great book with examples of what not to say and what to say in certain situations. I have a a big mouth and this book was very helpful. Before saying it, think about it. Before sending it, reread it.
April 19, 2018
This book would benefit from less biblical references. The main points can be effectively made without citing so much scripture. It is quite unfortunate that the author approach is ironic given his message when composing messages.
May 26, 2018
Say what's kind. Say what's true. Say what's necessary.
Say it clearly.
Personal note: don't trust your emails, or any you receive, to accomplish those four things. Tone is so hard to convey in an email.
Second personal note: check and edit everything you read. Disable spell check.
Say it clearly.
Personal note: don't trust your emails, or any you receive, to accomplish those four things. Tone is so hard to convey in an email.
Second personal note: check and edit everything you read. Disable spell check.
February 17, 2019
Although I liked the content in the book, it was very strongly intertwined with religious references. Dr. Eggerichs makes valid arguments which everyone should recognize for their personal and professional lives.
October 8, 2018
One of the best personal growth books I’ve read so far! It’s saddening how poor of communicators the majority of us are. This book was so educating and eye opening! I would read it again and again!
November 5, 2019
Audiobook.
Wonderful helpful premise...but once you know the 4 goals (true,kind,necessary and clear) there isn’t much else. 20 minutes of good...4 hours of filler
Wonderful helpful premise...but once you know the 4 goals (true,kind,necessary and clear) there isn’t much else. 20 minutes of good...4 hours of filler
December 13, 2019
Is it true, kind, necessary and clear? If not, don't send it, share it or say it. Brief but important book for anyone hoping to survive long in a career.
January 1, 2020
Excellent book!
Read
April 24, 2025Melhores trechos: "...A cada 24 horas, 205 bilhões de e-mails são enviados pelo ciberespaço; a cada 60 segundos, 510 comentários são publicados no Facebook (isto é, 734 mil postagens por dia); e, a cada segundo, quase 6 mil tuítes são lançados pela internet para todo o universo tuiteiro ver, totalizando 350 mil tuítes por minuto e 500 milhões por dia. Apesar de fazerem a cabeça girar, essas estatísticas não incluem o que sai do YouTube, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google Plus, Tumblr, Instagram ou das incontáveis plataformas criadas todo ano. Seria seguro dizer, então, que dessas centenas de bilhões de comunicações feitas todos os dias um grande número dos autores do conteúdo gostaria de ter tirado tempo para pensar, com mais cuidado, sobre tudo que estava comunicando e para revisar (ou mesmo deletar por inteiro) as mensagens que enviou de modo imprudente, em um momento de emoção? Todos os dias temos o potencial para soltar asneiras tanto verbais quanto escritas. Não faz diferença se estamos proseando com um estranho sobre o balcão do açougue, conversando pelo celular com o departamento de serviço ou enviando um e-mail para um colega de trabalho. Se a comunicação não for clara, as pessoas podem entender errado. Quando não paramos para pensar antes de falar, aumentamos a probabilidade de sermos incompreendidos, o que pode acarretar falta de comunicação. As pessoas ficam questionando se temos boa vontade ou bom senso, ou nenhum dos dois. Quando falamos antes de pensar, ampliamos a chance de os outros ficarem consideravelmente magoados, frustrados, confusos, bravos, receosos ou ofendidos por algo que comunicamos... A dificuldade é que, muitas vezes, de fato pensamos antes de falar (ou de enviar algo); queremos comunicar a verdade, mas deixamos que outros fatores nos façam mudar de ideia. Aqui eu o convido a considerar vinte mentiras racionais. Algumas dessas o convence? É este o roteiro interno de conversa que você tem consigo e com os outros, sobre o motivo de, às vezes, ser menos do que verdadeiro? Abordaremos brevemente as razões de cada tipo de indivíduo. O TEMEROSO: Honestamente, eu temo as consequências dos erros do passado, então eu os escondo. O EGOÍSTA: O que eu posso dizer? A mentira trabalha a meu favor, impulsionando-me em direção aos meus objetivos. O EVASIVO: Se os outros não souberem o que eu fiz de errado, haverá menos problemas para todos os lados. O ORGULHOSO: Preciso aparentar ser melhor do que sou para que os outros sintam-se confortáveis comigo e gostem de mim. O ÁGIL: Eu minto porque é mais rápido e mais fácil para mim no momento. O EMOCIONAL: Se sinto que é verdade, eu falo. Não preciso de todos os fatos quando sinto que estou certo. O DESATENTO: Não sabia que o que eu disse era impreciso. Todo mundo erra. O BAJULADOR: Eu quero ser verdadeiro ao mesmo tempo que diplomático, mas o elogio insincero funciona melhor para mim. O AUTOILUDIDO: Tem gente que diz que eu minto para mim mesmo. Mas isso é mentira. Sou 100% honesto comigo. O CAMALEÃO: Para escapar de conflito, eu torço minhas crenças de modo a se adaptarem ao meu público; ou o que agradá-lo. O ENGANADO: Não é culpa minha. Eu fui induzido a prometer sigilo e isso facilitou uma mentira. O PROTETOR: Eu me sinto responsável por proteger os interesses alheios, mesmo que, para isso, tenha de mentir. O CRÔNICO: Sempre minto, mesmo quando a verdade é melhor. Algo toma conta de mim. O IMITADOR: Não estou realmente interessado em mentir, mas todo mundo faz, então eu também faço. O PERPETUADOR: Eu minto para compensar as outras mentiras que já contei; infelizmente, mentira gera mentira. O ENVERGONHADO: Fico um pouco constrangido com as coisas ruins que já fiz, por isso minto para parecer bom. O JURADOR: Admito quando me colocam contra a parede, eu juro por Deus para que acreditem no que estou dizendo. O GÊNIO: Eu sou esperto, guardo na cabeça tanto a mentira quanto a verdade. É fácil sair impune depois de mentir. O ARTÍFICE DE PALAVRAS: Acho fácil e divertido torcer as palavras, usando duplos sentidos que confundem. O ENGRAÇADINHO: Francamente, acho que ludibriar os outros é uma brincadeira empolgante e engraçada... Bondade e gentileza desviam a ira. A delicadeza abranda a indelicadeza do outro. Muitos já ouviram Provérbios 15:1: 'A resposta calma desvia a fúria.'... 'O seu falar seja sempre agradável e temperado com sal' (Colossenses 4:6). Sempre. Agradável. Não apenas quando alguém concorda com você. Não apenas quando eles são bondosos primeiro. Não apenas quando você tem algo a ganhar por ser bondoso. Mas, sempre. Não se trata da outra pessoa. Trata-se de você, independentemente da outra pessoa..."
March 29, 2025
Ever fired off a text or email in the heat of the moment and immediately felt that preventing headache regret creeping in? Yeah, me too. That's why this book hit home harder than my last "we need to talk" text.
Eggerichs isn't just preaching about being nice - he's giving actual survival skills for our digital Wild West where one wrong tap can start World War III in your group chat.
What slapped me awake:
The "4 questions to ask before sending" (saved me from at least 3 apology texts this week)
Why our brains short-circuit when we're emotional (and how to reboot)
That terrifying statistic about how often digital messages get misinterpreted
This isn't about being fake-nice either. It's about avoiding the Preventing Headache aftermath of communication grenades - both for others AND yourself.
Perfect for:
Anyone who's ever typed "calm down" in a message (RIP)
People who want fewer "why did I say that?!" facepalms
Those tired of unnecessary drama in their DMs
Warning: May cause temporary paralysis when your finger hovers over "send." Also might make you psychoanalyze all your past texts at 2 AM.
P.S. The chapter on email tone should be required reading for every office worker. My coworkers don't know why I've suddenly become so pleasant, but I'm not telling.
Eggerichs isn't just preaching about being nice - he's giving actual survival skills for our digital Wild West where one wrong tap can start World War III in your group chat.
What slapped me awake:
The "4 questions to ask before sending" (saved me from at least 3 apology texts this week)
Why our brains short-circuit when we're emotional (and how to reboot)
That terrifying statistic about how often digital messages get misinterpreted
This isn't about being fake-nice either. It's about avoiding the Preventing Headache aftermath of communication grenades - both for others AND yourself.
Perfect for:
Anyone who's ever typed "calm down" in a message (RIP)
People who want fewer "why did I say that?!" facepalms
Those tired of unnecessary drama in their DMs
Warning: May cause temporary paralysis when your finger hovers over "send." Also might make you psychoanalyze all your past texts at 2 AM.
P.S. The chapter on email tone should be required reading for every office worker. My coworkers don't know why I've suddenly become so pleasant, but I'm not telling.
February 2, 2022
Waste of time and money. You will have enough with the first chapter. The rest of the chapters are full of biblical passages and lacking citation to serious studies. It is a cacophony of the same argument over and over, with no new ideas or interesting information.
September 5, 2020
Some wonderful insights + practical application. Felt a bit like homework at times. Not a fast read. Still, lots of wisdom in here. Worth picking up
July 17, 2019
Uma total perda de tempo, exceto se você for cristão fervoroso e consegue aceitar alguém basear seus argumentos em versículos tirados de contexto.
Frases vazias, avaliações superficiais de eventos, classificação de pessoas em enquadramentos rasos, receitas de bolo para lidar com situações e pessoas: o livro se resume a isso.
Invista seu tempo e dinheiro em algo mais produtivo.
Frases vazias, avaliações superficiais de eventos, classificação de pessoas em enquadramentos rasos, receitas de bolo para lidar com situações e pessoas: o livro se resume a isso.
Invista seu tempo e dinheiro em algo mais produtivo.
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