The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together

by Daphne de Marneffe

From a leading clinical psychologist who has counseled couples and individuals for decades, a wise, radical, and optimistic approach to marriage that promises compatibility between an individual’s development and the often relentless demands of a relationship.

People today are trying to make their marriages work over longer lives than ever before—for their children’s health and well-being, and for their own. Indeed, among the college-educated, divorce rates have declined. But staying married isn’t always easy. In the brilliant, transformative, and optimistic The Rough Patch , clinical psychologist Daphne de Marneffe explores the extraordinary pushes and pulls of midlife marriage, where our need to develop as individuals can crash headlong into the demands of our relationships.

The Rough Patch is divided into chapters that address key problems that challenge money, alcohol and drugs, the stresses of parenthood, sex, extramarital affairs, lovesickness, health, aging, children leaving home, and dealing with elderly parents.

De Marneffe offers readers seasoned wisdom on these difficulties, addressing the psychological, emotional, and relational capacities we must cultivate to overcome them as individuals and as couples. Blending research, interviews, and clinical experience, and writing with uncommon insight into the daily behaviors of men and women, de Marneffe dives deep into the workings of love and the structures of relationships. Every reader will find himself or herself in these pages.

Intimate and sometimes gritty, The Rough Patch is an essential, compassionate resource for people trying to understand “where they are” on the continuum of marriage, giving them a chance to share in other people’s stories and struggles. With humor and deep seriousness, de Marneffe helps men and women understand themselves in order to move in the direction we’re all trying to a life lived with integrity, vitality, and love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Marriage, Parenting, Audiobook

368 pages, Hardcover

First published January 23, 2018

Reviews

[Catelyn Silapachai · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a fair amount of marriage books and this one is at the top of the list. Nuanced psychology with lots of real life examples from the author's experience as a couple's therapist. The book is marketed towards couples going through a mid-life crisis, but as a 31 year old (5 years into marriage), I found it relatable, interesting, and encouraging.

[Mehrsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This isn't exactly a marriage advice book that lays out how to communicate or how to stay in love, but it is a really important book for anyone who has been married for a long time and is in midlife. It just shows that your troubles are neither insurmountable nor are they all that unique. The book goes section by section and analyses a couple or two that struggle with each issue (money, aging, etc). Some are better than others, but the book on the whole was very worthwhile.

[Pam Cipkowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I am neither married at the time, nor living together with anyone. Yet I still found this a helpful and informative read with regards to relationships. When cultivating a relationship, it helps to focus on three questions: Who do I want to be as an individual? Who do I want to be as a partner? And how do the two fit together? The book is filled with various scenarios and case studies of dilemmas and “rough patches” often encountered in midlife relationships, including substance abuse, money, infidelity, and the process of aging. It’s all very clinical, and while there’s a lot of it I can’t quite relate to, it’s also very interesting, with little bits and pieces to learn from. It’s hard to know when to keep trying, and when to leave. But it’s imperative to start off by remembering, “We have the right to expect love, and the responsibility to give love.…Don’t let that die. Once it dies, once you close your heart, it’s really, really hard to open it back up.”

[Katie Pierson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked how she built chapters around common marital issues (money, loneliness, etc.) and she's good at urging you to own your own stuff. But I also got the strong impression that she didn't like most of her clients. She made frequent jabs about their appearance, etc. that was off-putting in a therapist.

[Lilatovinl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the most insightful relationship books I’ve ever read. At times I felt as if the author had been in the same room when me and my husband were arguing. She provides a refreshing outlook on marriage and I highly recommend to anyone going through a “rough patch”.

[Cristine Mermaid · Rating 4 out of 5]

To be fair, this is an ARC so it hasn't completely been edited yet so a couple of the issues I have with it may not be relevant by the time it is actually released.

I started reading this on break and it resonated. I am their demographic. I related to so much of it and it was incredibly reassuring to learn that my feelings/thoughts/experiences are quite typical and normal.

I highlighted this book like mad because so many thoughts I have that worry me and that I thought were exclusive to me are perfectly normal considering circumstances and that alone made the book worth reading.

The only reason I didn't give it 5 is because the author made a few comments that seemed to be a bit dismissive of stay at home parents, as though we have it easy somehow. Later she was very much in support of how hard it is and that it's a sacrifice for many but those first comments turned me off.

Also, there are a few ideas and suggestions but there is no "well this is how you fix it" section so that stopped this from being 5 stores for me.

[Stefani · Rating 4 out of 5]

About marriage, yes, and there’s some good stuff there, but more than that I appreciated the thoughtful take on midlife in general—the longings and hopes that still burn, and how to think generously about where you’ve ended up, especially when it doesn’t quite match where you imagined you’d be.

[Mikey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although initially overlooked upon its release, this book has become a staple in my reading repertoire over the years. Its insights into human relationships, coupled with sharp societal critiques and occasional introspective musings, resonate deeply with me.

While the chapters ostensibly cover broad topics like money, sex, and addiction, they often veer off into tangential discussions, mirroring the way our minds wander. De Marneffe's willingness to explore diverse topics without constraint lends the book a disjointed yet cohesive quality, resembling a collection of interconnected essays. What sets her apart from other relationship counselors is her willingness to acknowledge and confront her own biases, acknowledging their influence on her evaluations of patients. This recognition underscores the book's central premise that all relationships are inherently biased, and happiness hinges on understanding the psychological forces at play.

By fostering awareness of the intricate dynamics within human relationships, the book empowers readers to navigate their own relational landscapes with greater clarity and insight.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my all-time favorite books. This book was one of the first I read on relationships and it was definitely a joy to reread.

things I liked:
- golden ring model, working on the relationship together as opposed to blaming one another
- discussion of attachment theory
- all of the different examples and stories and that not all of them work out perfectly
- you are not what your family made you, you can change and psychologically grow

things I dislike:
- that I hadn't heard about the astronaut diaper story sooner

[Elsbeth Kwant]

An interesting book on the 'rough patch' and the basic disjunction between outward appearances and interior life. The role of the body encoding truths that our minds can't accept.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

1/The Rough Patch: An Introduction: Immature people think relationships should be easy or fun; selfish people leave when the going gets rough. Serving our children’s needs allowed us to take a break from wanting things for ourselves, and all the complicated dilemmas it engendered. We are forced to realize that the life-building activities of youth – job, relationship, children, house- have not taken care of what’s unresolved within. The only route toward wisdom, love, and a sense of aliveness is through the sensitive and skillful management of emotion. The dove may wish that the air had no resistance so that it could fly higher, yet resistance is the very thing that allows the dove to fly (Kant). What most people want from marriage is affection, trust, safety, fun, soothing, encouragement, excitement, and comfort. They want to have companionship and be left alone in all the right ways, neither intruded upon nor abandoned. All of this stands or falls on the quality of emotional sharing and communication. Our emotions signal what’s important (satisfying relationships). Key capacities of healthy emotions: curiosity (understand others and ourselves), compassion (empathy for others and ourself), and control (contain and control our emotional responses). Marriage produces misunderstanding about who’s responsible for whose emotions. Three of the biggest challenges (children, sex, work) pervade the emotional climate of marriage. Who do I want to be as an individual? Who do I want to be as a partner? And how do the two fit together? Personal progress in these fronts: become a more loving person, seeing partner’s perspectives and experience as equal to your own, expressing emotion skillfully, developing a nuanced relationship to your fantasy life, discovering the need for committed living. Staying in a marriage can be one of the most effective ways of developing a secure, loving relationship. Take the opportunity (during the rough patch) for taking responsibility and recommitting to who one is. The work in marriage is facing authentic emotion and vulnerability. The work is in the challenge of opening up – to being present, to listening, to learning about feelings, to having hard conversations, to facing reality. The rough patch, for all its pain and bewilderment, presents an opportunity – to know ourselves, to expend our scope, to grow, and to grow up.
2/A brief History of the Midlife Crisis: We reclaim genuine space for our identities not by rushing headlong into simplistic remedies, but by engaging in the less glamorous spadework of paying attention to our feelings, clarifying what matters to us, asserting our point of view, and negotiating for change. The second aspect of midlife development, is about reaching out for connection in the world. Midlife growth: seeing others as the center of their own world, and to care for them as separate beings whose interests and concerns matter as much as our own. We all tend to be self-absorbed in a personal crisis, and self-absorption can be the starting point for an unflinching inventory that leads to meaningful change. Ariel goes through meditative transformation and tries to bring her husband on it as well and this creates friction between them. You need to embrace your partner, including his flaws, and not be so arrogant to think you don’t have flaws yourself. When children are born, couples will stop taking their own emotional needs seriously enough. Up until now, partners have treated each other as their primary emotional source; they’ve been each other’s baby. The default is to prioritize their children even when it’s at the price of ignoring their spouse. Seesaw view: one spouse all right and the other is all wrong. Golden Ring view: stand alongside each other and look at shared problem (communicate our feelings and advocate for our own needs). The idea that marriage may well interfere with your personal development has become widespread and normative. Life satisfaction hinges on good relationships.
3/Feeling Close, in Love and Sex: Watching Diana and Stephen, I was struck by how difficult it is for people to see the closing down of warmth and excitement as something they are doing to themselves, rather than something solely perpetrated by their partner. Sex is play, and to play you have to relax. Marriage is a mature relationship in which we affirm each other as lovable people through accepting each other’s childlike (human) dependance. The reservoir of goodwill needs to be replenished through loving words and actions. It is both staying in touch with our vulnerable emotions and acting as a caretaker and communicator of these emotions that I consider to be the hallmark of emotional maturity. The hope in marriage is that each partner takes care of their own and their partner’s emotions. When you fell off your bike, you wanted your mom or dad to both empathize (feel with) and try to fix (think about) the problem. The breakdown of feeling with and thinking about is one of the most pervasive sources of couple pain. Not feeling heard is what people find most corrosive to their sense of trust and potential in marriage. Self-awareness means we are listening to ourselves. Self-responsibility means we’re listening and responding to the other. Good sex depends to some extent on having the experience of being found attractive. Working on sex in marriage means taking an active role in creating the conditions under which you can have the experience of discovery. We use our mature capacities to create space for excitement, fun, and emotional pleasure.
4/Marriage as a Story: Does a person understand his own story as one version of reality, or as the right version? In a couple, can each partner be interested in, or curious about, the other one’s story? Driven by our wish to bond, we begin by mentally amplifying compatibility and minimizing incompatibility. As years pass, problems that we initially ignored or brushed aside demand to be acknowledged. In reality, marriages are rarely stable or boring. We don’t experience them as memories we are recalling, they are viewed from our emotional lens. Being able to narrate our inner experience is one of the most powerful ways we can change how we feel. A signature element of growth in marriage is the shift from blaming one’s spouse for the state of one’s world to bearing responsibility for the impact of one’s own conflicted and destructive feelings. Each partner nurture, protect, and contribute to the relationship as an entity that exists apart from, and between, the two individuals. More neutral communication encourages less reactive and more cooperative interaction. It calms us down, which helps us to clarify our feelings and increases the chances that we will be heard and understood.
5/Affairs, Flirting, and Fantasy: They’re Never about nothing: Do you both want to find your way back, and what do you each want to find your way back to? Feeling one has relinquished one’s status as a lovable person causes a particular torment. People who choose to have affairs do not differ from others in their feelings, but rather in their choices. The truism about affairs is that it is not the sex, but the deception. Fantasies are thoughts and the hallmark of a mature mind is the ability to recognize that thought are not actions. Is private pornography use by one partner an ‘affair’ or a ‘fantasy?’ Most dilemmas beg the question of what makes a sexual activity secret verses private? Pornography is more about avoidance than addiction for young men. Once upon a time the love relationship of marriage was designed to ‘house’ sex, for the positive purposes of pair-bonding and the protection of children. When both partners can accept that they create their marriage together, they have a chance to explore more honestly how the affair happened. A person’s feelings about his marriage fluctuate.
6/Alcohol and other attempted Escapes: couples who drink the same amount of alcohol as each other are less likely to divorce than those who drink different amounts. Substance users make such an enormous point of their ability to control their use because they know that the inability to moderate is the sign that they have a problem. Reasons for drinking: to be sociable, it's fun, forget worries, and to fit in. Substances offer a chemically enhanced method for not dealing directly with emotions. Our daily stresses end up stressing our marriage. There are too many demands and not enough time. Maybe we self-medicate because we despair getting on the same page with our spouse in any meaningful way. If early relationships do not help a child to develop self-regulation and self-soothing in response to stress, she grows up with more easily triggered stress responses, and fewer coping skills for dealing with them. The younger a person starts drinking, the more impaired is emotional growth. The brain, the impaired organ of decision making, needs to initiate its own healing process. Challenge: take responsibility for one’s development as a person. Tolerating emotional discomfort (sober) in a relationship is a capacity we all need to develop continually throughout life. Some personality traits that lead people to substances in the first place are the same traits that make relationships unrewarding and difficult. But the way you ask (about filling out school paperwork), you’ve got this angry tone, as if I already screwed up. Thomas and Lucy each wanted to be someone other than the character they’d been cast – and cast themselves – to play in the story of their relationship. Peter felt there was something wrong with him that resulted in Bess’s drinking. Our need to calm down fast is bound up in our harried race to do it all as effortlessly and quickly as possible, with minimal stops. Intimacy = into me see. Once you have this self-awareness, you can’t ever go backward. As we explore our own destructive patterns and cope with our demons in a way that opens the path for growth, we can turn to our partner and discover a friend.
7/Money: the Knife in the Drawer: There are a high percentage of people who don’t deal with money: no planning, don’t talk about it, no goals are set. People mistake their emotional needs for financial needs. Money worries make all of our other worries feel worse. Money collaboration is looking at the big picture and then setting goals through discussion and compromise. Sam (job martyr/doomsayer) and Willa (spender) played out childhood role models in spite not wanting to be like their own parents. She wanted to create a nice home (remodel) for their twins. Both were trying to survive by winning the argument and establishing the superiority of their version of the truth. They get confused about what constitutes sticking up for themselves and what constitutes blocking out the other person. The emotional ‘economy’ of marriage is such that people invest time, energy, and resources with the expectation of a return on their investment. Sam began to notice the ways that the voices from his past so harshly stepped in and defined his current perceptions. Neither Sam or Willa believed that in their hour of need the other would empathize, comfort, or help them. Each decided that the best they could hope for was to care for themselves. Money became a substitute currency for care. Hard nose money discussions are not a natural fit with new love. Exaggerating my partners position allows me to fight with him, rather than ask myself the hard questions about what I believe we can afford.
8/Lovesickness and Longing: Putting Them to Use: Christina was in love with neighbor (because of a kindness he showed her when she was in distress). Sometimes I feel my heart will break, then I think, I’m not giving up a real person, or a real relationship. Our openness to people and things out there provide moments of poetic joy at being alive, and they connect us to ourselves in new and surprising ways. Rita was attracted to her trainer after her husband had a heart attack. The family building phase pulls people toward a conventionalized set of roles that can feel repetitive even when we’re basically contented with them. When things feel stressful or confusing, sometimes all we want to do is shut down, stop trying, and click into automatic mode. How do I pursue excitement and maintain a stable relationship? Sublimation: paradox of healthy adult life, we need to give up in order to get. Reinvesting time and energy into our limited life often yields the greatest bounty of fruits, even if we are aware that somewhere over there is an exotic varietal we’ll never get a chance to try. Christina confesses (affair in her mind) to Ben. She is stunned by his actual love. I think being married is about helping each other along. Not blaming each other for being crazy sometimes. Ben’s done that for me. It’s like you’ve seen me naked. Now I have my clothes on, but you’ve already seen me. Author: That’s only a problem if you think there is something wrong with you naked. I’ve seen you human.
9/Body, Health, and Age: The Stakes Only Get Higher: Regret that they were too hard on their bodies or that they didn’t take good enough care of themselves. They mourn their youth, and they want it back. Elsa (rejected by lack of romance) and Mitch (checked out of daughter moving out) struggled. The amazing thing about relationships is that doing something different, even something small, can be big. Arousal: partner interaction, self-entrancement (focus on own body sensations), role enactment (fantasy/props). Elsa started yoga which settled her nerves. Louis was upset about Amanda’s moodiness (menopause). As children grow and their need for physical tending decreases, so too does the reward of oxytocin release, leading women to feel less inclined to prioritize the care of others. They begin to experience their desires and goals differently; they feel more autonomous and empowered. Henry gained weight and Marla was frustrated by his lack of self-care. The goal is to dwell in the golden ring, finding a spirit of collaborative problem-solving at just the moment people are most vulnerable to feeling criticized or misunderstood. Sometimes the partner who attempts to tactfully broach the awkward topic is voicing concerns that are actually shared by the target partner. Being mad instead of sad is one common way we deal with a lack of control and a sense of failure. Women’s relationships with their bodies and appearance are private, complex, and often tortured in ways that transcend the reactions of husbands and lovers. Our bodies aren’t entirely under our control – they let us down, they get sick, they die. Illness=third person in marriage. Everyone is dependent. The question is ‘how skillful is the person at being dependent?’
10/The Empty Next: Children, Parents, and the turning of Generations: Middle age is nothing. The real challenge is when the kids leave. 50’s are about avoiding death and divorce. A child’s success in leaving also depends on the ability of those left behind to let her go. Gray divorce refers to the trend of people over fifty leaving their marriages. In a couple, allowing each other aloneness is part of allowing each other to explore, have interests, and play. A boon of the empty next is more privacy, more freedom, and more fun. Conversations at any phase of a relationship can contribute to a sense of excitement and positive feeling if they include emotional vulnerability and self-revelation. Some people need to take time apart to find a way back into the relationship. Research suggests that people recover best from the death of a parent when they view their parents as loving but not the most important source of love in their lives. People we love do not die all at once in our minds. Beginning empty nesters: What am I doing? What is my purpose? Continual emotional development: older couples acquired the skill of reducing their negative interactions with each other/recover more quickly. You never finish designing your life, life is a joyous and never-ending design project of building your way forward. Empty nest agenda: can we play?
11/Staying or Leaving: In adult relationships, each person needs to be able to reflect on his own responses. They don’t simply attribute their emotional reactions to the other person’s actions. There’s this idea that if you leave, you’ll find something better. Better how, exactly? She would float into a fantasy about the better life she could have, then realize that she was comparing reality to a fantasy. She stopped treating him as if he had already disappointed her. Sometimes marriages die because they cannot be sustained except at too great a sacrifice for one or both partners. People who grow up in families where the parents loved each other and treated each other well come into marital life with a huge advantage; they are born into privilege. They are less prone to feeling responsible for everything that goes wrong. They are more likely to believe their feelings are accurate, valid indicators, rather than something they need to adjust and second-guess. What makes the difference is trying to understand the other person. Whether you are happy, unhappy, marrying, divorcing, or stuck in between, start there.
12/Love is a Conversation: When you talk, it’s about so much more than conveying information. There’s cadence, rhythm, intensity, silence. Bursts of laughter, expectant pauses, the enthused tumbling of words. It’s a delicious, delightful whole-body experience. Time wears on, you feel it passing. Your repetitive, fruitless spousal exchanges start to feel like a drain on the life energy you have left. We come together in a rush of passion, then we achieve love through the ongoing conversation we’re able to create, one body to another body, one mind to another mind, one heart to another heart. The conversation by which we engage each other is love. In midlife, one barrier to change is that people think they should already know what they are doing. In fact, being open to not knowing what you are doing is the first step to learning something new. We don’t have to be experts. We’ve never been here before. What counts is our intention to engage. 1. Keep having hard and easy conversations with each other. 2. Keep having conversations with yourself (discover own emotional life/solitude). 3. Keep having conversations with the culture (community/cultural myths). Do not lull yourself into a dysfunctional narrative or escape through work or screens. These self-anesthetizing strategies disconnect you from your life and your partner. At their best, marriages are living, breathing creations between two people. The gift is emerging with a life that feels enlarged and enlightened.

[Marcia Miller · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt a bit like a voyeur reading the many descriptions of couples who sought counseling from Dr. de Marneffe to address their marital "rough patches." While she may be a highly experienced and well-regarded therapist, her writing style comes across as dull and repetitive. I found this book to be a tedious read whose insights scarcely made me feel especially enlightened or informed. Maybe it simply wasn't for me.

[Mohammad Noroozi · Rating 5 out of 5]

"A lot of advice is out there to help you deal with the problem. Social scientists tell you that people are happier at sixty-five than forty-five, so if you wait it out another twenty years, you might feel better. The couple specialists, the work-family balance people, the sex and intimacy experts, all have something to say that almost fits. But somehow they don't get at the crux of the problem. The crux is that you feel lost, or lonely, or at times almost blindingly miserable. Sometimes you feel you can't breathe. It's true that you're exhausted at work, or your mother's ill, or your hormones are out of whack. But it's hard to believe that that's the whole story. You didn't always feel this stuck in your relationship. There was a time when the marriage made sense."

I picked up this book after my partner read it for a class and told me she enjoyed it. Apart from that, I didn't pick up this book for a specific reason. I know I'm muddling around in my relationship as I am in everything else in life so I cherish the perspective of others. In that sense, I really loved what Dr. Marneffe has been able to distill as lessons from her practice, packaged throughout in the real lived stories of her patients. She managed to give uncommon insight about the patterns of conflict, of emotional scarification, of being worn down, of growing apart, of feeling attraction to others at times that come up in any relationship. In those moments, she helps guide her case study examples of patients towards, in her words, "deepening inwards and expanding outwards" in the sense of intensifying our self awareness while growing our engagement of the world.

Either intentionally or coincidentally as a result of her advice to improve the ability of two people to love each other better as they navigate the "rough patch" Dr. Marneffe's advice seems to result in other benefits to the reader. As she says, "marriage is a crucible for becoming a more mature, compassionate person. It offers an unflinchingly up-close-and-personal example of how we treat another human being." To weather the hardest tests in that crucible she gives advice that would make you a more emotionally sensitive, loving, and self-actualised person. Reading through the was enlightening and encouraging as I reflected on my own relationship, past and current.

I also found her prose to be quite enjoyable to read. She managed to be sensitive, kind, and earnestly trying to bring good into the lives of the couples seeking out her help, sometimes even by helping them to manage a divorce when that becomes clear as the best choice for the two people. Just before this review, I found myself flipping to different passages in the book just to read how beautifully she captured a relationship concept in her own words.

This book would be my new recommendation for any couples I know, whether they seem like they are really having a hard time or are still blissfully in the puppy love stage. It's so valuable to read the challenges that other people have had and to understand the emotional labor that is supposed to go into sustaining a relationship which is emotionally secure and fulfilling to both people. I think relationships might be one of the most misunderstood things in our time and culture. This book sheds light where its very much needed.

[Sarah SL · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent practical advice for middle age.

[Ega · Rating 4 out of 5]

"It's not that we come together in electric recognition and pure understanding, then fall away from that through conflict, difference, and the reassertion of selfish needs. Rather, we come together in a rush of passion, then we achieve love through the ongoing conversation we're able to create, one body to another body, one mind to another mind, one heart to another heart. The conversation by which we engage each other is love.


(...) There's always a different angle, a new way to listen. You don't know what's next. You can't know. The world is still new."

--

This is not the usual relationship book I read and it fascinates me in a good way. Personally I have my own questions regarding to marriage and stuffs but most of the questions have its own difficulty level to be answered without attaching some facts and deep analysis. Regardless to the way the author writes, I'm satisfied with each topic discussed that is followed by the stories from the author's clients that enlightens every point and explanation written.

[Susan Underbrink · Rating 4 out of 5]

A big thank you to NetGalley for the ARC. I am voluntarily reviewing this book. Not sure I got this as I am now separated . Maybe to see how I can avoid making the same mistakes. I found it interesting, but not with many tips. It reconfirmed that what I was feeling wasn't unusual. I may have missed it but I didn't see much on divorce with older children. Overall I found it helpful.

[Nicole Heckel · Rating 3 out of 5]

there were some really good messages in here but it just didn't feel as comprehensive as I would have liked. there was a lot of focus on children, which can't be generalized to a lot of couples, and the majority of the examples didn't feel even remotely true which made that hard to generalize as well. However, the bits that I found valuable were REALLY good, so I kind of forgave it

[Arthur Kyriazis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very well written book with an incisive introduction that is fully & well documented utilizing the key & major sources in the field. The writing is concise and clear to a fault.

The book is separated into commonsense chapters which examine various stages of marital discord from the anecdotal, factual, scientific and historical perspectives, but always in a manner that is both easy to read yet cursive with the literature and sensible to medical and scientific professionals.

This volume has everything to recommend it. Marriage has never been harder. The traditional ties of common religion, common location, extended family, devotion & commitment to the family, common educational & professional
level, mutual respect and admiration between partners, all are disappearing in a rapidly changing society.

Moreover, this book concentrates quite rightly on the real and now, and dispenses with the illusions and fantasies that often distract one or both in a relationship from working hard and putting 100% effort into the marriage, the kids and saving money.

The surest sign of mental illness is, of course, delusion, or living within a fantasy world. Marriage is no place for fantasy, illusions or delusions. Marriage requires hard work, logical thinking and hard calculations about your partners’ needs.

Not all of that is in this book, but of course, for those experiencing problems, much of those issues will be discussed in therapy. And this book is nothing if not a celebration of the benefits of therapy.

In a world where divorce is all too common, it behooves one not just to read this wonderful book, but to give therapy & marital therapy a chance—and to stay in the marriage if possible.

This book is a must read. A tour de force by a committed psychotherapist, clinician and a beautiful writer and thoughtful insightful doctor who is here to help us carry our heavy loads; we are not alone, there is always someone to listen and help you get the job done, run the race until it is run, and enjoy the fruits of life gracefully.

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

I grabbed this off the shelf when I knew my library was closing because of COVID-19 and I knew I was going to need a couple of audio books to keep me going. I am not going through a "Rough Patch" on my marriage but "the art of living together" sounded useful, and it was. I always like to learn more about people and you can learn from other people's relationship issues, right? Well, it turns out by "Rough Patch" the author is actually talking about what others call mid-life crisis. I'm definitely too old to have one of those. But de Marneffe discusses real-life cases of couples in various stages of crisis, and there were definitely things for me to learn. She talks about how couples can get stuck in a particular conversation, or conversations, through the years; arguments that keep getting recycled throughout the relationship, and I've been guilty of that. De Marneff has an even-handed and practical tone, and though she's definitely an advocate of doing what you can to save a marraige that is salvageable, she also recognizes that sometimes it's best to part, and she has advice about creating the least damaging divorce. You don't have to be in a relationship "rough patch" to get something out of this book.

[Emalee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a pretty good book and a nice counterpoint to the work of John Gottmann. Gottmann's approach is more scientific and broken down into really clear categories and steps that makes identifying and addressing issues in one's marriage clear and understandable. de Marneffe's work is much more the work of a psychoanalyst and rooted in theory as well as practice. As such, she brings in significant content about family of origin and how it affects our adult relationships. I like that this book is targeted at married people in mid-life with children. This part of life is very, very demanding and makes it both the easiest time to lose sight of your marriage and the most critical time to NOT lose sight of your marriage. I recommend this book.

[Andreas Peterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marriages--even really good marriages--are tough. And as they progress through kids, job changes, health issues, faith crises, etc. etc. they can metamorphose until you get to a point in middle-age where you think to yourself, what even is our relationship now?
This book does a great job of focusing in on midlife and the struggles couples have with entering a new phase of their relationship--empty nesters, people who are in some ways getting to know each other again, people who have been changed by life for better or worse.
The author has laid out sound advice as well as TONS of examples of couples she's worked with, allowing you to examine their lives and see reflections of your own experience, observe what others did and say "oh, that's me" or "ok, I don't want my life to be like that." I kept finding things that resonated with me and my marriage, and it showed me areas I need to work on for myself (as well as bringing comfort, seeing that so much of the "rough patch" is normal, expected, and fixable).

[Lovebell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book. Whether your marriage is going through a rough patch or it is still in a good place right now and you want to learn how to keep it there, this book gets you to examine various marital tensions and forces us to seek a better understanding of ourselves. The sharing of cases also allow us to see ourselves in some of the couples and the issues raised are definitely relatable ones. While it is not a hard read, it still provides much food for thought and gives good advice / tips on working on a marriage.

[Kaun Tan · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Hallmark of Emotional Growth

You don’t need to be going though a rough patch to be able to glean the many intricacies of human relationships and learn from them and to be ready for the rough patch when it does happen. The very practical wisdom in this book not only introduces open individuals to a richer and more meaningful life with others, it does so with oneself; as one soon finds that essentially all relationships are about.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Rough Patch is a therapist's breakdown of common issues that hit couples as they approach their mid-lives. Using case studies of couples from her practice, de Marneffe breaks down how drug addictions, infidelity, money, failing health, attraction outside of the marriage, sex, and children leaving affect a couple at the critical mid-life juncture: will this marriage work for the remainder of our lives?

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I very rarely write reviews but I felt compelled to in this case. This book was recommended to me by a friend who told me it was the best book on relationships she has ever read. Although it is focused on our romantic partnerships, I found it exceedingly helpful, fascinating and enlightening for all my relationships in my life. de Marneffe blends stories from therapy with science, academia and her sharp observations over her career as a therapist.

I would highly recommend.

[Kalyani Mccullough · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on marriage in middle age that I have come across. So insightful, honest and right on. In some chapters, every sentence felt like a revelation. Beautifully written (and narrated), thoughtful and well researched, grounded in real experience but with a strong spirit of hope and inspiration to encourage and propel. So well done. Very grateful for this book, know that I will look back at it often.

[Nic · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really good chapters that hit hard and felt personal. I would have to put the book down and think about how it relates to and re-read multiple pages over and over. Other chapters that seemed good but just don't apply to me at this point in my life. I think this is one of the those books you can re-read every couple of years and get something new out of.

[ms.petra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had a book like this in my 20's. Now, as I think about the last chapters of life and how I want to spend these years I appreciated the case studies from Dr. Marneffe. There is no perfect relationship and it is easy when everything is new and good. Communication is so extremely important and if you can't speak freely and compassionately with your partner, you might want to think about why. Not one of us is a mind reader and it is so important to speak clearly about our expectations, our desires, and our deal breakers. The only person we can change is ourselves so be very clear about what you are willing to live with.

[jaime chambers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dense, nuanced, beautifully written. Light on advice and cliche; thick with thought-provoking narratives. This book is really about what it means to be a person across the long sweep of life, in symbiosis with another person doing the same thing.

"There's always a different angle, a new way to listen. You don't know what's next. You can't know. The world is still new."

[Magda zaduzoczytasz · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book has its moments, advices good for people in marital crisis, thinking of divorce, willing to learn how to better communicate in their relationships, also for adult children of the divorced to better understand their parents. Examples/stories used are not always a perfect fit and some are just unnecessarily extending the book.