If I Was Your Girl

by Meredith Russo

Amanda Hardy is the new girl in school. Like anyone else, all she wants is to make friends and fit in. But Amanda is keeping a secret, and she's determined not to get too close to anyone.

But when she meets sweet, easygoing Grant, Amanda can't help but start to let him into her life. As they spend more time together, she realizes just how much she is losing by guarding her heart. She finds herself yearning to share with Grant everything about herself, including her past. But Amanda's terrified that once she tells him the truth, he won't be able to see past it.

Because the secret that Amanda's been keeping? It's that at her old school, she used to be Andrew. Will the truth cost Amanda her new life, and her new love?

Genres: Young Adult, LGBT, Contemporary, Romance, Fiction, Queer, Transgender

7 pages, Audiobook

First published May 3, 2016

About the author

MEREDITH RUSSO lives in Brooklyn with her cat Shadow and probably more books than is responsible for a New York apartment. When she isn't upsetting Yankees by smiling and making eye contact on the 3 train she spends her time lifting weights, playing fighting games, blowing up the mic at karaoke, glancing anxiously at her TBR pile, and, of course, working on her next book.

Meredith's debut novel, If I Was Your Girl, released in 2016 to rave reviews and multiple awards. Her second novel, Birthday, came out in 2019. Both novels explore themes of gender identity, sexuality, poverty, trauma, and mental illness in Southern Appalachia, though they're lighter and way less bummer-y than that list might imply. Her essays and shorter fiction can be found in The New York Times, Elle, Meet Cute, (Don't) Call Me Crazy, Radical Hope: Letters of Love and Resistance in Dangerous Times, and Out Now: Queer We Go Again.

Reviews

[Emily May · Rating 3 out of 5]

Please note: it is wonderful to feel like your opinion is valued, but this is a trans book by a trans woman and I am a cis reader - please consider the limitations of my perspective and seek out the reviews and commentary of trans readers. For example: http://plenitudemagazine.ca/casey-ple...
Thank you.

****

“You can have anything,” she said “once you admit you deserve it.”

If I Was Your Girl is an important book. It fills a gap that needed to be filled. It will make many people feel better about themselves. It normalizes trans experiences, which is a great thing, showing a girl who undergoes the medical procedures, finds accepting friends, gets a boyfriend, works things out with her parents, wins homecoming queen and lives happily ever after.

A rating cannot summarize how I feel about this book. I'm glad it exists. I am so thankful that we have a YA book with a transgender MC, a transgender author, and a transgender cover model. I want transgender and cisgender readers alike to read about Amanda's experiences.

Amanda is surrounded by accepting people, despite being in small town Tennessee, where everyone is a Baptist and many of them have homophobic bumper stickers. The biggest challenge is to her relationship with her father, and it's clear straight away that even he is trying very hard to be accepting. Not only did she come out of her surgery and medication looking 100% like a woman, but she also has the luxury of being an attractive woman.

In the afterword, the author addresses some of the decisions she made in the novel "I'm worried that you might take Amanda's story as gospel, especially since it comes from a trans woman. This prospect terrifies me, actually! I am a storyteller, not an educator. I have taken liberties with what I know reality to be." . Russo intentionally skipped over the medical realities and portrayed a pretty unrealistic situation where Amanda's family simply takes out a loan to cover the financial side. Also, Amanda is a very simple trans case - a complete girly girl without any confusion over her gender identity. I understand why the author did this, but I would have liked something more complex.

Amanda is easily relatable, but I found that was because she didn't have a very distinct personality. She definitely creates a feeling of universal sympathy - because it's hard trying to fit in, learning to accept yourself, and finding someone to love you - but she feels, perhaps deliberately, like a blank canvas. Maybe this is so all readers, trans and otherwise, can put themselves in her shoes.

But I wanted something more from the plot. We definitely don't need another trans horror story, but I wish one of the first mainstream YA trans books by a trans author didn't play it so safe. Russo has adapted the trans experience to make it easier for cis readers to digest - again, this is understandable, but sad too. I also wanted the romance to be more developed, less sappy, cheesy and "I'll love you no matter what". It fell into a bunch of the same old YA tropes. It remained unexplored, unquestioned, unrealistic. Grant is arguably a manic pixie dreamboy.

If I Was Your Girl should be read. It's in an important place right now and it should (and probably will) pave the way for more books featuring transgender characters.

But here's what I think: in five, maybe ten years time, there will be many more trans books. At that time, I think most people won't feel the need to return to this one. I am glad that it's here, though, as one of the first.

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[Elle (ellexamines on TT & Substack)]

EDIT:
[TW for sexual assault & domestic abuse.]
It has been brought to my attention that the author has been accused of raping and abusing her spouse, a crime she has seemingly confessed to over email yet publicly denied. This is the source; you can also find her booking information, and a better article here (thanks to Catherine for this information). This article points out that though Russo has accused her ex-spouse of only pursuing her with abuse allegations because they are a terf, they are in fact nonbinary and currently married to a trans woman.

Here is their go fund me. I do not think rape and domestic abuse are forgivable crimes. I will no longer be reading or supporting anything by this author.

__
I went into this slightly paranoid it would be a generic Book Written To Be Important. From reviews, I couldn’t tell if people had thought they should enjoy this book or whether they actually had. But after only a half hour of the audiobook, I realized this was not a book written just to educate - it’s a story that stands all on its own. There’s something very powerful about the story of a girl finally getting to be a girl, finally getting to date and go to the school prom and dance and find a supportive girl gang.

My heart fucking felt this book.

→ the lead character ←
Okay. The main reason I liked this is because Amanda is written so well. Not to be that weird person who only cares about character development again, but she has suuuuuch a strong character voice. I finished the book kind of in love with her and also empathizing with her so much. Basically, I love Amanda so much. 10/10 would protect her with own body.

Special shoutout to the audiobook narrator for adding to this effect! I don’t know who the hell this narrator is, but she is a Talent. She’s also trans, which I think let her understand the experiences far better than a cis reader might have. And I have an immense crush on her southern accent; I think she might be one of the reasons I fell for this so hard. Go audiobook, y'all.

→ side characters ←
In terms of side characters, I was… kind of mixed. I thought Amanda, Chloe, Anna, and Layla made a really great girl gang, and I liked how supportive they were. Buuuuuuuut they sort of ran together in my head. I liked them a lot while reading, but reviewing this, I’m sort of thinking of them as Religious Girl, The Gay One, and The One I Don’t Even Remember, which isn’t a good sign. I will say that I have super positive things to say about the love interest - Grant is one of the sweetest love interests I have ever seen in YA, and I liked him a lot throughout. [Except for a few things at the end.] And in the same vein, there’s a certain character in this book who I loved until the ending.

→ the story progression and ending ←
You may have noticed there were several characters I liked until the ending, soooooooo…. let’s talk story progression and tone. This starts off as a BIT of a typical YA contemporary with elements that discuss Amanda’s feelings as a trans girl, and weirdly, that’s what I liked about it. It’s really nice to have a story like this for trans girls — one that’s realistic about transphobia in the flashbacks but also not ten fucking hours of torture porn. It's a super dark book but also a super hopeful book, which some of you may know is my specific favorite thing in literature.

SPOILERS:
The only thing I disliked about this book, really, was the incredibly dark ending segment. I thought this book was trying to make itself a book for trans readers to relate to and adore, and I felt that way up until the incredibly cruel outing. I will say that it was so obviously the direction the book was going, so it wasn’t really a surprise. And I think this segment was meant as education for cis readers to really understand how awful life can be for trans women, which is really important, don’t get me wrong. But can I be totally honest? It was… really awful to read, and I think it would be even more awful to read for a young trans reader. I don’t mean this in a condescending way at all - I mean, I’m a seventeen-year-old very-out-of-the-closet cis girl, and I think the ending of this was one of the most difficult-to-read endings I have read in my whole life. I honestly cannot imagine reading this as a fifteen-year-old closeted trans girl.

I do think the ending is done pretty well for what it is - it ends on a super hopeful note! - and I respect Meredith Russo for bringing up important topics, like - SPOILER - the rape of trans women. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that if this book were published in 2018, Russo would have been able to write something a bit less awful for trans readers reading this. Maybe Amanda telling Grant herself? Maybe her best friend not outing her to a hundred transphobic people? I don't know, man, I just really want Amanda to have the chance to come out herself. It's what she deserves.

But also... okay, I do understand this as a writing decision and an opportunity for Amanda to develop. I just would’ve preferred something different.

→ overall ←
OVERALL I REALLY LOVE AMANDA AND THEREFORE I REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK. This is getting on my favorite audiobooks list and I would definitely recommend.

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[Emma Giordano · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars!! I really enjoyed this read. It was a super quick, fast-paced novel, yet still conquered sensitive topics.

This is definitely a cute, sweet book that finds an equal balance with some intense subject matter. It was a lovely reading experience to be able to be smiling with giddiness one moment, but feeling heartbroken and wanting to cry the next. Definitely a book with a whirlwind of emotions!

If I Was Your Girl was the first book I've read with a trans main character, and I'm definitely satisfied. Especially considering it's written by a trans author, the praise I've heard about it is definitely deserved. I liked how we get a lot of flashbacks from Amanda's past from the time of confusion before her realization that she's a girl, the bullying, the support of her counselor, her suicide attempt/aftermath, all combining with her present. Her parents reactions were also very interesting as one parental figure is better adjusting to Amanda's growth than the other. I think I would never have imagined a parent's experience in this situation had I not read this book. As a cis woman, I felt I really learned a lot about the experience people like Amanda go through and it was a very informative and valuable read. It made me realize my knowledge on trans issues and what it is like to be a trans person is more limited than I previously thought, which was a nice wake up call as well as a push to be more educated. On a related note, I'd really recommend reading the authors note in the back as I feel it includes extremely important information for trans folk and cis readers.

I did have a few issues with this book, despite enjoying it overall. I think at a lot of points, there was more "telling" than showing" (this is excluding the flashbacks, obviously). It's a fairly short book with short chapters which inevitably made the progression of the story feel very fast without deepening certain scenes. I frequently had to reread scenes because important events would occur within just a few sentences and I would be reading the character's reaction before I could even comprehend what had happened. I think I would have preferred it to be a bit longer and have the scenes drawn out a bit more. The climax of the story felt very rushed with too many events packed into what could not have been more than an hour or two, it was a little overwhelming and overpowering. It's aspects like this that enable you to tell that it's a debut novel, but they are also factors that can be improved with more writing experience and time, so I'm definitely more understanding of these faults.

Overall, If I Was Your Girl was a fantastic novel. I'd highly recommend it to literally anyone, especially if they're interested in a book about a trans person.

[karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!

congratulations! semifinalist in goodreads' best young adult fiction category 2016!

"It's easy to act like my past never happened, but it feels like I've put up this wall around my heart that stops me from being really close with him."

"You know walls are there for a reason though, right?… They keep things safe and they keep things from falling apart."

reviewing this book in terms of whether it is "good" or "not good" is almost irrelevant, because it's one of those books that needs to exist for reasons that transcend a reader's enjoyment of it.

take the first x-ray machine - was it perfect outta the gate? no, but it was the best of its kind at the time and we needed it and it came in handy and it saved some lives. the fact that a big-five publisher put out a young adult novel about a trans girl's entrée into the dangers and opportunities of high school romance, written by a trans woman and featuring a trans model on its cover would be enough reason to celebrate even had the book been terrible, which it wasn't.

it's a very fast read, with a strong narrative voice and a clear story. overall it's a little breathy and reference-laden for my tastes - the rushed tone of a first-time novelist who's excited to share her story and maybe not confident enough to let it take its time to unfold naturally, but it's honest and emotionally authoritative, although the author tries to back off a bit from the double-edged "authenticity" label in her afterwords. (yes, plural - one for her trans readers and one for everybody else (the boo-hiss sibilance of the cis-prefix makes my skin crawl, sorry))

i appreciate her honesty in these postscripts, where she explains her decision to make some aspects of amanda's journey a little easier than it would realistically have been - not her emotional journey, but its financial and medical realities, which are glossed-over in favor of the more important and resonant emotional situations. this isn't about self-discovery or process, it's about what comes next. this is a love story. it's a coming-of-age story and a family (re)birth story and the fact that it exists at all is a step in the right direction towards making some teenagers less likely to be assholes and other teenagers less lonely, because it's a fucking hard path to be on.

russo does a good job covering the various angles - parents who are supportive or at least want to be supportive but fear so much for their child's safety, knowing how much of the world is made of assholes, the social clumsiness of people who mean well but don't always know what's appropriate, the weight of the constant and casual sexual assessment of men, and the fear of misplaced trust. which i think is the best part of this book and the reason it was smart to not get bogged down in the medical or physical components - this is a really fast-paced book, where the pacing allows the details to blur as the reader is carried along. although there are obviously many elements specific to the trans experience, there's also so much that's universal here - this could be any YA romance-with-a-secret - any girl worried a boy won't like her anymore when he finds out her past:

I buried my face in his neck and breathed him in again. I thought about what he had said, that I could tell him anything, and I knew that he was right - or at least he thought he was. But until the moment he learned the truth, I couldn't know how he would feel, and that was a risk I wasn't ready to take.

as simple and straightforward as that is, it's the elegant simplicity that cements it into truth: you can trust anyone until you can't, and it's so hard to know where those lines are drawn, when a miscalculation can have consequences beyond some harmless gossip.

so yeah, it's an important book, and it's such a fast read that it's generally easy to overlook the first novel-jitters, although it needs to be said that the star wars homecomingposal scene was intensely cheesy and absurd.

3 stars for me, since i'm not really into YA romance novels, but a million stars for all the ways in which this book is going to matter to the right reader.

come to my blog!

[April (Aprilius Maximus) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was freaking INCREDIBLE, y'all.

Trigger Warning: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, severe bullying.

[Wendy Darling · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars It's so very important that books like this are written and published and read, and IF I WAS YOUR GIRL heralds the beginning of a promising new YA imprint at Flatiron Books. I'm especially heartened by the fact that not only is this a story about a trans girl written by a trans woman, but that the cover art also features a trans model. More of this, please.

Still, in my eyes, there are two major obstacles that prevent this from being a truly great book rather than "just" a solid/worthwhile one. But I'm glad I read it, and I'd be interested in seeing what the author does with a little more seasoning.

Review to come.

[Melissa ♥ Dog/Wolf Lover ♥ Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was really good and of course, had some heartbreaking stuff. I enjoyed the end as well!



I also loved the mention of one of the characters going to Valley in Chattanooga! That’s right down from my house. It’s for adolescent people with issues (suicide, etc) and I almost took a job there in my twenties!!

Mel 🖤🐶🐺🐾

[Riley]

*screams from the rooftop* READ THIS BOOK!

[megs_bookrack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book.

This book is excellent.
This book is important.
This book is emotional.

I read this in June 2018 and never reviewed it because I couldn't. I couldn't put into words how impactful and moving this was.

I want more people to read it and talk about it.

Meredith Russo has a newer book, Birthday, that released in 2019 and I hope once more people discover how insanely tender and beautiful her writing is, they will go back and read this one as well.

In conclusion, read this book.
Thank you for attending my TED talk.

[Kelly (and the Book Boar) · Rating 1 out of 5]

Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/

I was going to not post anything in my review space and make some sort of disclaimer instead stating “sometimes you just probably shouldn’t write anything at all,” but then I saw my friend Rachel had already done that and I didn’t really want to get sued for plagiarism, so here I am. Instead of leaving nothing, I’m going to use the author’s own words . . . . .

“I have, in some ways, cleaved to stereotypes and even bent rules to make Amanda’s trans-ness as unchallenging to normative assumptions as possible. She knew from a very young age. She is exclusively attracted to boys. She is entirely feminine. She passes as a woman with little to no effort. She had a surgery that her family should not have been able to afford, and she started hormones through legitimate channels before she probably could have in the real world.”



I can’t endorse a book that claims to tackle a controversial subject and doesn’t have the guts to confront anything at all. Well, anything except the importance of having a boyfriend rather than figuring out how to be comfortable with yourself and stereotypical male/cisgender/hetero/whatever-you-want-to-label-them bullies, of course, because those people are so likely to (1) ever read this book to begin with and (2) willing to change their bigoted ways after finishing it.

Want a book about a child questioning their gender identity? Skip this one and go for Gracefully Grayson if you’re looking for a YA choice or This Is How It Always Is for a “grown-up” selection.

[Cece (ProblemsOfaBookNerd) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know this is a book that will stay with me. It walks a truthful line between queer tragedy and a more positive reality, which can be a difficult topic to straddle. It is honest, and it is emotional, and it is absolutely a story that everyone will get something out of.

[Jennifer Masterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars rounded up to 4. This is a VERY important book!!! "If I Was Your Girl" is a YA Novel that parents should encourage their children to read!!! So why did I read this book? Because of all of the hate going on as of late, and because of the new discriminatory law directed towards the transgender community in North Carolina.

Amanda is a teenager who has transitioned from a boy to a girl. She moves from her mother's to her somewhat estranged father's town to start over in a new school. While at the new school she finds friends, love and kindness from her fellow students with her secret. The book goes back and forth in time and it does this smoothly. It also talks about the transitioning process. Something I knew little about.

At times it was a little too contrived, light and fluffy for me. I was expected more of a Hillary Swank "Boys Don't Cry" type of book. That being said, it is a YA novel. The novel being lighter is all the more reason to encourage your teenagers to read it.

Bravo to the author for writing this!!! I can't stress how timely and important this book is. We need to show love and compassion for each other. Hate is an evil thing!

I listened to the audio version. The narrator does a fantastic job.

Recommended for adults and teens 14 and up.

[Lala BooksandLala · Rating 4 out of 5]

This had fantastic self aware writing, a wonderful main character, and great messages woven throughout.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rumor has it the cover model is a trans girl :)
[update: the rumor is true!]
____________________


This book is everything. I hope it becomes the game changer that it's poised to be. Amanda is an incredibly real, fully-fleshed girl with a tremendous heart and tremendous hope, even when she questions it. This is a story that isn't about transitioning in the sense of changing from male to female; it's a book about transitioning into the next places, where you find your footing, where you're having a normal teenage life. It's imperfect, at times it's scary, but ultimately, there is promise in that beautiful future.

The romance here is so fabulous, and Russo does an outstanding job of depicting teenage friendship, as well as rendering a believable small town in Tennessee, with its flaws and its redemptive qualities. This isn't a book about extremes; it's about those spaces between and why they matter.

[Trina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Video review here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqZrq...

I read this book in 2 days, which is rare for me. It's a debut novel and therefore I found some writing elements to be weak, but this story is SO. SO. IMPORTANT.

I think anyone, regardless of their age or identity would get something valuable out of this book. This book is intended for readers who are cis, trans, and anyone in between. You may see yourself in Amanda, or you may see yourself in her peers or parents.

This would be such an important teaching tool (as a spring board for discussion) for parents to discuss the flashback chapters with very young children, for teens to see themselves or their peers in, and for adults to reflect on how they do/would interact with trans youth. I loved that the family dynamic was just as important as the friend group and the romantic relationship.

Don't skip the author's note at the back of the book.

[Miranda Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

Edit and Update (a serious note)

In any other situation, I would be shouting this book from the rooftops because it is, quite frankly, life changing.

In short - it's the story of a young MTF teenager living in the south and trying to find new beginnings. This story is powerful. It is incredible.

However, after becoming aware of serious spousal abuse allegations against the author, it's honestly hard for me to write a full review for this book, knowing that people could read this review and buy a book to support the author.

I've read up a bit about separating the art from the artist...but I cannot in good conscious do that given the seriousness of the allegations.

If you do want to read it despite the what we now know - pick it up second hand or from the library.

[Natalie Monroe · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I should have been born a girl."

First and foremost, I should mention I am a cis woman. My review is limited by my own experiences, which has unfortunately not included actual face-to-face contact with a trans person.

Now that that's out of the way, I did think If Was Your Girl was a teensy unrealistic. But, BUT— *dodges flying tomato* not the kind you think. My beef is with how easily Amanda is accepted into the social fold. First day at school and she's already got two male admirers and four instant girl buddies, without her making a genuine effort to interact with people.

Remember Bella Swan? Remember that iconic line from that Twilight parody movie: “Wow, you look pretty frigid and boring! Wanna go to prom?”

Zero to hero, no time flat.

Everything else I adored. There are characters in all shades of grey. It's not LGBTQIA+ Rainbow Squad versus homophobes. Most of them are somewhere in between, transitioning, learning, like in real life. Amanda's parents love and accept her, but it also takes them time to adjust to having a daughter instead of a son. You also have someone from a very strict religious family, a semi-closeted lesbian, a bisexual woman who makes mistakes, and a boy finding his place on the gender spectrum.

Plus, special shout-out to the use of positive female relationships in the context of support systems.



The ending is perfect. It doesn't end with a traditional happily ever after, but rather the promise of one. A promise that transgender people deserve fairytale endings just as much as everyone else.

"You can have anything," she said, "once you admit you deserve it."

[Melanie (TBR and Beyond) · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I'm not brave,” I said, smiling despite myself. “Bravery implies I had a choice. I’m just me, you know?”

You can find this review and all of my other reviews at Novel Descent Thanks for the support!

Absolutely adored this book, even if it did manage to rip my heart out a few times.

Trigger warnings for this book are: suicide, bullying, and rape.

If I was Your Girl follows a young transwoman who has is going to live with her estranged father because of the relentless bullying at her old school. When our main protagonist arrives, Amanda, she is met with lots of friends and even interest from a couple of the popular boys. Amanda is accepted, and she is well-liked and, for once in her life, she is "normal." It's all she ever wanted, except she is still dealing with her internal fears that somehow someone might find out her secret and is it ok for her to be in a relationship with a boy without disclosing her past. In a world that will tear you apart for being even the slightest bit different from the supposed "societal norm," she still wanted to give herself a chance to honest and open about herself.

I can think of a few words to describe this book - insightful, powerful, heart-wrenching and beautiful. I went through so many emotions with this read. I know this one is going to stay with me for awhile. I have read a lot of the reviews and some people did find this book on the slow side. I had the opposite experience. I'm writing this review at 5 a.m. because I couldn't put the book down and read the majority of it in a sitting. I have been purposely seeking out more diverse books - not just because it's on "trend" but because I'm tired of reading about the same people over and over again. I want something that challenges me and lets me explore important questions. This book does that and I'm so grateful for that.

There were times my stomach felt really tense during this book. I actually had to peek a couple chapters down because I became overly anxious - that is a warning to people who could be triggered by reading about people possibly being harmed in realistic situations. I thought the characters were fairly well-developed. I really loved Amanda, I loved that she was still naive but aware. Her friends were great, although I ended up hating someone I didn't expect to. I still want to kick that person really hard. Amanda's love interest, Grant, seemed like a good guy, I think he could've used a bit more developing but I liked him enough. I have my doubts about Grant accepting Amanda. This is probably due to my tendency to not trust people and in a religious town like they were in, I just didn't feel it was very realistic. However, I would love to find out that I'm wrong and it happens all that time. I somehow doubt we've come that far as a society yet though.

The book explores many important questions but one that struck out to me was whether you have to tell your partner about your past to be authentic to yourself. It has really made me think. At the end of the day I think you need to stay happy and safe and whatever that translates for you is the right answer.

This is a book that should be among required reading in schools. It talks about an important topic in a non-polarizing way. Teens could likely grasp these ideas and identify with them. You do not need to be part of the trans community to understand bullying and stigma.

I also want to point out that the author, who is a transwoman herself, points out in the acknowledgements that this story doesn't not represent the whole trans community and that she is not an educator but a storyteller. I think that was very important distinction and I really appreciated her saying so.

Now go read this book! READ IT! Now!

[Whitney Atkinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

TW: bullying, suicide, transphobia, & homophobia

Thank you Flat Iron Books for the free review copy!

This would have been a four star book because I thought it was a well-rounded story about Amanda becoming confident in herself and transforming into someone brave and self-assured, but I took off an entire star because the way that she was outed was so cruel and unnecessary. I could feel it coming from early on in this book so it wasn’t shocking—other than the fact that it was really obnoxious and horrific—just very disappointing. I wished so badly that Amanda would be able to tell Grant on her own terms, and it upset me that it was used as a plot twist instead. I’m trying to balance this with the reality that a lot of LGBTQIA+ people get outed by “friends,” but again, it just felt so needlessly cruel. The character that outs her had SO much potential and they ended up being really shitty and irredeemable and I’m just really disappointed. If that one scene didn’t happen, I would be so much happier with this.

However, I did end up liking how Amanda handled conflicts with everyone in the end, including how open-ended this is. This is the first book I’ve read with a trans MC though, so I know I’ll be thinking about it for a long time.

[Mara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is publishing done right. A contemporary YA romance about a transgender girl, written by a transgender woman and featuring a transgender model on the cover. Absolutely loved Amanda's story!

[Dahlia · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know books people say are great just because they're so necessary in concept and premise, but then the execution and/or style kinda suck but no one wants to admit it?

This is not that.

I legit loved it, from the dedication to the author's note to the book itself, and will be rec-ing the shit out of it for the next year and beyond. So happy to finally have a trans book by a trans author in YA from a big publisher, and the fact that there's even trans rep on the cover is just the perfect icing. Amanda is a great MC, the secondary characters are nicely done, and I really, really loved how involved her parents were, past and present. Just...so happy this book is a thing right now.

[✨ jami ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

i'm so glad I finally read this book. It's been sitting on my backlist collecting dust and I'm SO GLAD I finally read it.

This is an ownvoices book about a transwoman called Amanda who moves schools in order to live with her father. It follows her becoming situated in the town, and trying to navigate high school life, whilst not outing herself as trans to those she meets.

I think this was definitely a strong debut, the prose really carried me through this book and so it was a quick and easy read - very engaging. Amanda is a strong character and I also thought the side characters were interesting. The trans issues were dealt with wonderfully, and I really liked the authors note about representation at the end.

This is a hard book to read, because there's a lot of outing and homophobia/transphobia, as well as rape and sexual assault. One thing I really didn't like about this book was the open ending, and the representation of the bisexual character.

But overall this is a book I think everyone needs to read - ownvoices trans stories published by major publishers are rare and we're privileged to have this one. It's enlightening and important and offers a message of hope despite a world that can seem bleak for queer people

tw for: rape, transphobia, homophobia, sexual assault, bullying, physical assault, deadnaming and misgendering, forced outing, suicide mentions, explicit suicide attempt

a more comprehensive review to come!

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I will start off by saying that I am a cis woman, and therefore my review is limited to my own experiences.

I love being a woman. It is a huge part of who I am, and I would be devastated if tomorrow someone told me I had to be a man because that's who I really was. My heart breaks for trans people when I think about the incredible amount of difficulties they face, simply for being themselves. And the amount of people who can't be themselves due to fear for their own safety.

As many more before me have said, this is a really important book. It's a debut, the writing is rather sweet, the story moves a bit too quickly, and many of the characters are one dimensional (I was nearly halfway through the book before I was finally able to differentiate between Layla, Anna, and Chloe). There is also a heavy dose of 'Murica (the promposal scene, the twangy, Southern dialect, and the religious undertones - Anna's parents having an "I can't help if I'm a homophobe, I was born that way! bumper sticker triggered me way too hard in regards to how freaked out I am by the vast amount of people who think this way in the states). Despite all that, the story itself is good and it is IMPORTANT and its sheer existence is necessary. I think this would be a particularly valuable novel for younger teens between the ages of 13-16.

Stand out moments for me were the relationship between Amanda and her parents, trying to be supportive while desperately fearing for their child's safety and ability to lead a "normal" life; as well as the confession scene between Amanda and Bee wherein Bee wonders what is okay for her to inquire about and Amanda tells her exactly what she doesn't want to be asked. This was super informative and really good to know! Parts of the novel are heart-wrenching, and I think so many people, regardless of gender or identity, would be able to take something away from this story.

[Romie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can’t possibly understand why I’ve waited so long to finally read this book. Like what the hell was wrong with me ?
I can't even think properly right now, because this book .... THIS BOOK guys.

The story was amazing, I really like the dual-time aspect because it helped me to understand Amanda a lot more, to see where she's coming from and how much she went through.
I loved the romance, the way Grant and Amanda just 'clicked' like she said so well, the Stars Wars references, the cute moments, this deep trust they have in each other. And I understand the way Grant reacted, I can't say I approve but I understand, and what he says to her at the very end of the book was beautiful. He's not trying to be perfect, he's not lying to her and saying everything is okay, no, he's saying "I love you, please tell me everything about you and help me. Help me because I want to understand you, and I won't give up on you."
Oh guys the friendships in this book .... I just have one thing to say : GIRLS SUPPORTING GIRLS NO MATTER WHAT.
So now, do yourself a fucking huge favor and go read this book. RIGHT NOW. What the hell are you waiting for ?

“For as long as I could remember, I had been apologizing for existing, for trying to be who I was, to live the life I was meant to lead. Maybe this would be the last conversation I would ever have with Grant. Maybe not. Either way, I realized, I wasn’t sorry I existed anymore. I deserved to live. I deserved to find love. I knew now—I believed, now—that I deserved to be loved.”

4.75

[Nemo ☠️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

[Received this book through Goodreads First Reads Giveaway.]

"I wasn't sorry I existed any more. I deserved to live. I deserved to find love. I knew now - I believed, now - that I deserved to be loved."

I cried a grand total of 4 times during this book, not counting the tear I shed at the Author's Note at the very end.

It is very brave to be transgender in this world, and it's even braver to write a book about a transgender character based on your experiences as trans. I know nearly everyone who's read this book has called it important, and brave, but I'm going to say it again because it's just so true. Everyone should read this book, everyone.

As a trans person who struggles with anxiety and depression, like Amanda, and who has wished many times that I wasn't alive anymore - I really fucking needed the reminder that trans people can have happy endings. It sure as hell is a rough ride getting there, but there's always - always - hope.

Thank you, Meredith Russo.

[mollusskka · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I was Your Girl is my second book that deals with transgender theme. My first one is Lily and Dunkin. So, reading this book is like reading Lily's transgender life only she's more grown up and her name here is Amanda. Both Lily and Amanda got bullied at school. They also has a forbearing and understanding mother but an intolerant father.

What's new from this book for me is that now I got to see how a fully transgender people like Amanda socializes at high school where no one knows her story. How she had a crush on a boy like Grant and finally how they make love. Of course it's not easy for Amanda. She always says to take it slow when it's not the only reason.

At first, with the appearance of Chloe, Anna, Layla and the outsider Bee in Amanda's circle, I thought this story were going to be something like Mean Girls, with Amanda as Cady. Because she's so popular in her new school. Everybody wants to be like her. Every boy's dying to be her boyfriend. And as the homecoming party getting closer, suddenly I smelt the plot of Carrie, which was a bit similar, in fact. But after the spill of the "dark secrets", what I thought before was completely wrong. This is no Mean Girls wanna be.

I like the story telling. It's told between the present and the past but not bewildering. The process of transgender is described in a light and uncomplicated way and it is a satisfactory for me. Through this book I found out that once a transgender surgery is done, one doesn't immediately become a woman. Like Amanda said:

"It was going to be hard. I was going to have to pretend to be a boy for a little while longer. No matter how much I tried to hide it, classmates and family members were going to notice my body change. The bullying would probably be worse than ever..."

I can't imagine if I were Andrew/Amanda. I don't think I would be as strong and brave as she is. Though she once tried to kill herself, she's still a brave girl. I'm so glad with the ending. It's kinda cliffhanger but I'm pretty sure how Grant would react after reading all Amanda's story. And just like Lily and Dunkin, there's a happy and heartwarming ending between Amanda and her father. The message is crystal clear:

“Anything, anyone, is better than a dead son.”

Oh, by the way, though there is a girl model as the cover of this book, but I have my own Amanda's in my mind and that person is:

[Mafi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitivamente posso dizer que nunca tinha lido um livro com uma personagem assim.

Um livro importante que devia ser lido por todos, sendo a autora transexual não tenham receio de não ficarem bem informados, pois não sendo um livro explícito sobre a transição, informa bem alguns passos do processo físico e psicológico da protagonista. Gostei muito e espero ler mais livros dentro deste tema que me façam ganhar mais conhecimento sobre o assunto.

---

(...)

Pela diversidade de personagens que o apresenta, acho que e um livro importante e merece ser lido, especialmente por jovens que estejam a passar por situações semelhantes.
Embora não fosse um livro que me tivesse arrebatado, dou 5 estrelas pelos motivos acima mencionados e pela coragem de falar de um tema ainda tabu na sociedade.

http://algodaodoceparaocerebro.blogsp...

[Chelsea (chelseadolling reads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so very cute, and SOOO informative. I learned so much about the trans community and how to be respectful of those within it and I am just so pleased to have read it. Only taking off a star because I feel like there were a few bits of the plot that were a little convenient or left unresolved, but I'm still so happy with this.

[˗ˏˋ lia ˎˊ˗ · Rating 4 out of 5]

“i had been waiting my whole life for my father to want me, for him to want his daughter.”

first of all, i would like to thank meredith russo for writing this incredible book. it was quick and easy to read while still tackling important topics, and the way it was done was just amazing. you could really be laughing and smiling at the occuring events one moment, but feel broken at the heart-wrenching things the next moment. it’s important to mention that this book has been written by a trans woman herself as well! we love and support all of these incredible women in this house.

amanda was a lovely protagonist that has been through a lot, which becomes especially obvious in the flashbacks scattered throughout the book from the time when she wasn’t yet aware of her identity and before she realized that she was, indeed, a girl. we get to see how these events have shaped her to become the person she is now, and what she has learned or how she is still affected by all these things. when it comes to the side characters such as her friends though, i felt like they weren’t fleshed out enough. all the people in her friend group kind of became one and the same person for me, as i wasn’t really able to tell them apart or know what made them special. a character could be mentioned halfway through the book and i’d be like wait, who now? i really did like her parents and their support towards their daughter, because regardless of them loving her because she’s their child and them just wanting the best for her, you could also really see how they cope with everything and experience the situation from their perspective too.

on another note, i didn’t think the story had to take that turn towards the ending, since it felt more like that part was written to be important rather than anything else. the unnecessarily cruel outing was something that i honestly figured was coming (and from what i can tell, other reviewers have felt the same), but can i be real for a second? as a cis woman that part wanted to make me throw up over and over again, and i don’t think young trans people would love to read about it just because something educational was supposed to come out of it. i do understand where the author was coming from, buti gladly could have passed on that.

all in all, i really enjoyed reading about amanda and her journey to becoming the person she really is and who she wants to be. and please, read the author’s note at the end of the book. if the ending didn’t make me sad enough already, that part actually made me bawl my eyes out and i had to sit still for a while and think about it before being able to just slightly move on.

→ 4 stars

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I kept hearing about this book and decided I needed to read it too. In some ways I believe it's a first - a YA novel about a transgender teen, written by a transgender author, and even the cover model is a transperson from what I understand. Crossing boundaries like crazy.

On other levels it is a pretty "typical" teen novel, in the sense that Amanda discovers that she is not the only one with secrets, not the only one living with high stakes should those secrets be uncovered, and the surrounding society is brutal, unforgiving, and slow to change. These truths do not make her life any easier, but does serve to put them in context. After all, she has had to relocate to a small town near Chattanooga from a suburb of Atlanta after experiencing difficulties remaining in the same school after a suicide attempt as well as during her transition. And we all know that the south remains the one of the unfriendliest places for violence toward the transgender community. There have been many instances of violence committed just this year. This is not just general bullying, this can be life or death.

The author acknowledges the issues with her own novel, so I don't need to mention them (but will!) - the fact that the main character has relatively smooth sailing because she "passes" (even though there are issues with this word) and many trans people don't have this luxury. Nor do most people have options for surgeries and hormonal treatments so early, should they choose them. And obviously her family as described would not be likely to afford them. But the author allows for these things to be possible and true for a very important reason - to show Amanda as a possibility. I ended up agreeing with these decisions because I was thinking back to novels like The Price of Salt (you may know it as Carol) where it seemed like even Patricia Highsmith with a pseudonym still had to have her character who dared to entertain the idea of happiness with a nonhetero sexuality end up with some kind of trauma or downfall because of it. In other words for so long, lgbt characters are only "allowed" to exist in literature if their very existence leads to negative dramatic events. Intended or not, this ends up sending a message that you must suffer to be who you are. I think the author is hoping for a time where this doesn't have to be the assumption, but had to write it to have it exist in YA literature.