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Violent Partners: A Breakthrough Plan for Ending the Cycle of Abuse
A radical new take on the crisis of intimate abuse, Violent Partners argues that as a culture we misunderstand the root causes and basic effects of abuse, and until that changes there is no hope of fixing the problem. Dr. Linda Mills challenges assumptions, tears down myths, and offer solutions, all the while telling riveting stories of couples who have conquered violence in their relationships. In Violent Partners , she describes several programs that hold promise for addressing intimate abuse, including two nationally known and groundbreaking treatment programs-Peacemaking Circles and Healing Circles. Controversial, provocative, and accessible, Violent Partners is unlike any other book on abuse and relationships, and highlights in great detail the complexities of violence through the stories of men and women who have acknowledged their abuse and sought to do something about it. This is essential reading for anyone seeking to understand violence in their own relationship, friends and family members of victims and abusers, and legal and mental health practitioners looking for a new and valuable approach to treating couples in crisis.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published June 2, 2008
4 people are currently reading
40 people want to read
About the author
Linda G. Mills
5 booksDr. Linda G. Mills is Professor of Social Work, Public Policy and Law affiliated with the NYU Silver School of Social Work.
For Dr. Mills' academic profile, see: http://socialwork.nyu.edu/our-faculty...
For Dr. Mills' academic profile, see: http://socialwork.nyu.edu/our-faculty...
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
July 1, 2008
(I copyedited this book.) Mills's perspective on intimate abuse (a more inclusive term than the traditional "domestic violence") is radical and controversial--and also carefully argued, supported by anecdotal and research-based evidence. She also writes about her personal experience with partner violence, and her candor there and elsewhere, along with her methodology, is what should convince readers to take her seriously. I hope this book gets the public attention it deserves and goes on to influence policy and practice in positive ways, helping people end violence in their lives and create healthier relationships.
December 5, 2022
This book provided a very informative perspective in regards to the “grey” areas of domestic abuse. Most books I have read only refer to one person as wholly a victim and the other wholly the abuser. The reality is there is a lot of overlap.
Some of the authors examples of why some victims are partially responsible for the abuse did not sit well with me which is why I gave 4 stars. For example the author notes that she needed to take responsibility for her own “sexual power” in referencing an instance where she had been sexually assaulted. I would have liked more clarity and reasoning on when it is healthy to take responsibility for one’s role versus when it is not.
Some of the authors examples of why some victims are partially responsible for the abuse did not sit well with me which is why I gave 4 stars. For example the author notes that she needed to take responsibility for her own “sexual power” in referencing an instance where she had been sexually assaulted. I would have liked more clarity and reasoning on when it is healthy to take responsibility for one’s role versus when it is not.
February 14, 2018
I found different sections of this book to be equally good to equally boring. I found the first part of the book where the author relates her personal history a bit harder to get through as it is a straight narrative with little explanation, aside from trying to relate to those who have also suffered abuse, as to why the story was being told with such detail. The book got significantly better once the types of abuse started being discussed as well as the type of treatment normally employed. I find it a fairly easy read in terms of having accessible language and the author did her best to give you different perspectives on how abuse can range and used lots of real life examples to illustrate the point. I enjoyed the fact that this book, unlike much other literature on domestic abuse, offered other opinions on treatment options other than the immediate break up of the couple. The book acknowledged that some situations are not so clear cut and obvious and made a distinction between situations that are highly dangerous and situations that have the potential to become dangerous but also the potential to be better. I also appreciated that this book did not hold to the assumption that women are the only victims of domestic abuse, they did address that women can be abusers as well. Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone seeking more information on domestic abuse.
November 24, 2011
This book shows sympathy for cis men as it critiques the dynamics of violence in intimate, monogamous relationships. I liked the idea about women continually seeing themselves as victims thus, immobilizing them, and how that this idea was reinforced by second wave feminism. It even *gasp* mentions queer violence in intimate relationships. Overall, the analysis was a little more cis man sympathetic than it needed to be, and I felt a layer of shame when critquing women's violent resistence to these cis men. In fact, I was a little irritated she did not mention the unconscious dynamics that occur in places like couples therapy, where the men are typically favored and believed more often the women. Oh well. Binary blahblah blues. Incomplete analysis with some weird cis male stroking. It offered some nice, unnattractive, maybe unpopular points surrounding violence and agency, but I'm easy for unpopular points and grassroots solutions like a telephone-focused Violence Annonymous, since people who act out violence often feel too much shame to attend meetings, the shame being a large part of the abuse-motivator. Fun!
February 17, 2018
Linda makes for an argument that women can be partly to blame for physical abuse. She cites studies in which it is revealed ~25% of abuse is only the man attacking the woman, 1 sided, ~25% is only the woman attacking the man, 1 sided, and the last 50% is situational couples violence, where physical violence is exchanged both ways. She does go into same sex relationships a little bit.
If you are interested in the 50% [she claims by her research] that is the woman and the man attacking each other, this book is for you. If you are not interested in that, she does go into the psychology of DV and has many examples, and examples of how it's passed onto the next generation.
If you are interested in the 50% [she claims by her research] that is the woman and the man attacking each other, this book is for you. If you are not interested in that, she does go into the psychology of DV and has many examples, and examples of how it's passed onto the next generation.
November 16, 2020
Violent abusers will be thrilled to have any in Linda Mills. What an eye opener, actually if you're a victim is your fault and everything the person trying to kill you has said about you is true!
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April 9, 2009HIT MEN—AND WOMEN?
R. Dianne Bartlow
A Review of Violent Partners: A Breakthrough Plan for Ending the Cycle of Abuse
By Linda G. Mills
Basic Books
And In an Abusive State: How Neoliberalism Appropriated the Feminist Movement Against Sexual Violence
By Kristin Bumiller
Duke University Press
Are women as violent as men? Can the justice system combat domestic violence effectively? Is restorative justice the solution? Linda Mills examines these questions in her investigation of the myths and assumptions surrounding intimate violence.
Of those assaulted violently each year, 1.5 million are women—but women can be as violent as men, says Mills. Resistance to this idea is understandable. The battered-women’s and feminist movements have successfully framed “intimate” abuse as a one-sided problem that involves aggressive men who abuse women “because they can.” While this captures the perceived sexist nature of the abuse, it fails to acknowledge women’s contribution, according to Mills.
“Although homicide statistics report that women are far more frequently killed by intimate partners than men are, another trend suggests that a different pattern may emerge in the next several years,” she writes. Mills also points to Department of Justice statistics revealing that between 1991 and 2000, the number of girls under 18 convicted of aggravated assault crimes increased 44 percent, while the rate among their male peers decreased by 16 percent. Both male and female aggression must be confronted if we are to have any hope of combating the violence in our society, she writes.
Mills’ thinking has provoked hostility, but she is undeterred in her belief that solutions can be found in community-based dispute resolutions, like couples counseling, for those clients who find value in this therapeutic approach. She also endorses the more controversial “restorative justice,” which brings the parties together to discuss the effects of the crime. Used as a way to promote reconciliation after cases of extreme ethnic violence, such as in South Africa and Rwanda, its goal is to promote healing and develop insights on what happened and why, “so that everyone can come to terms with the past and alter the course of the future.”
Kristin Bumiller, on the other hand, challenges the assertion that women are as violent as men in intimate relationships. In an Abusive State critiques feminism’s problematic alliance with the neoliberal state, and worries about relying on the coercive power of government to ensure women’s safety. She acknowledges that the feminist-state alliance is largely unavoidable, since battered-women’s shelters rely on the police to help keep their clients safe, and agrees it’s helpful that teachers, doctors and therapists must report suspected domestic violence. But one result of increased surveillance is that victims can be punished for their “failure to protect” their children from viewing the domestic violence they themselves suffered. Shelter residents must apply for state benefits to show they’re taking steps to self-sufficiency, but “these requirements entangle women in an increasingly value-laden welfare program tied to the promotion of the nuclear family…and distrust of women as mothers,” writes Bumiller. Additionally, in conjoint therapy models, violence is recast as a communication disorder, and traumatized women are pressed by therapists to convince their spouses to participate. And she believes the restorative justice solution can leave women at particular risk, especially when they choose to stay in violent families.
While Mills offers a heartfelt view of how forgiveness can be a tool of empowerment and healing, Bumiller highlights the unfortunate conditions under which women seek help, particularly from state institutions. She calls for a feminist vision that addresses human dignity and helps women negotiate their empowerment within a dismantled social welfare system.
---
R. DIANNE BARTLOW is an assistant professor of gender and women’s studies at California State University, Northridge.
R. Dianne Bartlow
A Review of Violent Partners: A Breakthrough Plan for Ending the Cycle of Abuse
By Linda G. Mills
Basic Books
And In an Abusive State: How Neoliberalism Appropriated the Feminist Movement Against Sexual Violence
By Kristin Bumiller
Duke University Press
Are women as violent as men? Can the justice system combat domestic violence effectively? Is restorative justice the solution? Linda Mills examines these questions in her investigation of the myths and assumptions surrounding intimate violence.
Of those assaulted violently each year, 1.5 million are women—but women can be as violent as men, says Mills. Resistance to this idea is understandable. The battered-women’s and feminist movements have successfully framed “intimate” abuse as a one-sided problem that involves aggressive men who abuse women “because they can.” While this captures the perceived sexist nature of the abuse, it fails to acknowledge women’s contribution, according to Mills.
“Although homicide statistics report that women are far more frequently killed by intimate partners than men are, another trend suggests that a different pattern may emerge in the next several years,” she writes. Mills also points to Department of Justice statistics revealing that between 1991 and 2000, the number of girls under 18 convicted of aggravated assault crimes increased 44 percent, while the rate among their male peers decreased by 16 percent. Both male and female aggression must be confronted if we are to have any hope of combating the violence in our society, she writes.
Mills’ thinking has provoked hostility, but she is undeterred in her belief that solutions can be found in community-based dispute resolutions, like couples counseling, for those clients who find value in this therapeutic approach. She also endorses the more controversial “restorative justice,” which brings the parties together to discuss the effects of the crime. Used as a way to promote reconciliation after cases of extreme ethnic violence, such as in South Africa and Rwanda, its goal is to promote healing and develop insights on what happened and why, “so that everyone can come to terms with the past and alter the course of the future.”
Kristin Bumiller, on the other hand, challenges the assertion that women are as violent as men in intimate relationships. In an Abusive State critiques feminism’s problematic alliance with the neoliberal state, and worries about relying on the coercive power of government to ensure women’s safety. She acknowledges that the feminist-state alliance is largely unavoidable, since battered-women’s shelters rely on the police to help keep their clients safe, and agrees it’s helpful that teachers, doctors and therapists must report suspected domestic violence. But one result of increased surveillance is that victims can be punished for their “failure to protect” their children from viewing the domestic violence they themselves suffered. Shelter residents must apply for state benefits to show they’re taking steps to self-sufficiency, but “these requirements entangle women in an increasingly value-laden welfare program tied to the promotion of the nuclear family…and distrust of women as mothers,” writes Bumiller. Additionally, in conjoint therapy models, violence is recast as a communication disorder, and traumatized women are pressed by therapists to convince their spouses to participate. And she believes the restorative justice solution can leave women at particular risk, especially when they choose to stay in violent families.
While Mills offers a heartfelt view of how forgiveness can be a tool of empowerment and healing, Bumiller highlights the unfortunate conditions under which women seek help, particularly from state institutions. She calls for a feminist vision that addresses human dignity and helps women negotiate their empowerment within a dismantled social welfare system.
---
R. DIANNE BARTLOW is an assistant professor of gender and women’s studies at California State University, Northridge.
July 14, 2010
I do not appreciate her charicaturization of the battered women's movement. I think it's unhelpful to the movement to present it in the way she has... plus it makes her seem defensive.
I totally love much of what she has to say though. The third section of the book about SOLUTIONS to violence is fantastic. This has provided me lots and lots to think about.
I totally love much of what she has to say though. The third section of the book about SOLUTIONS to violence is fantastic. This has provided me lots and lots to think about.
April 5, 2013
Excellent book from a dynamic, empowering person. This is a must read for all who want to know about domestic violence (causes, triggers) and ways of dealing with it that are healing and restorative to the families impacted by it. Met her and it was truly and enlightening experience!
July 7, 2014
Provocative. As a trauma therapist, her analysis of the roots of violence in the shame of childhood victimization rang true for me.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews