The Antiques: A Novel

by Kris D'Agostino

"On the night of a massive, record-breaking hurricane, George Westfall, an upstate New York antique store owner and father of three, lays dying. As his wife Ana seals up the storefront, their adult son Armie hides from the outside world as he always does, immersed in woodwork and thoughts of the past. In New York City, Armie's older brother Josef, a sex-addicted techie, is fighting to repair his broken relationship with his daughters. And out in Los Angeles their sister Charlie's career as a Hollywood publicist is crumbling. For the Westfalls, Murphy's Law is in full effect. Their patriarch dies as the storm hits town, flooding the store and ruining Josef's business negotiations. Charlie is desperately trying to set a movie starlet straight, while handling her son's expulsion from preschool and her wayward husband. And Armie, who's still in love with his high school crush Audrey, can't even muster the courage to leave his childhood home. Only when the children reunite to sell their father's beloved heirloom painting do they discover their real fortune lies elsewhere. A rollicking tableau of family life in all its messy complexity, like the best of Meg Wolitzer and Tom Perrotta, The Antiques is hilarious, heartbreaking, nimble, and observant. Complete with deeply flawed, affectionately rendered characters and an irresistible plot, Kris D'Agostino's unforgettable novel is about the unexpected epiphanies that emerge in chaos, and the loved ones who help show us who we really are"--

Genres: Fiction, Book Club, Contemporary, Adult Fiction, Audiobook, Novels, Humor

304 pages, Paperback

Published December 5, 2017

Reviews

[Cheri · Rating 3 out of 5]

! NOW AVAILABLE !

The Westfall family home, the home of Ana and George is in the city of Hudson, NY. George has been diagnosed with cancer, had surgery, but it’s back. It’s time to gather the family in. Ana calls their now adult children home, although calling Armie should not be as much effort, since due to a series of unfortunate circumstances, he now resides in their basement. His old room, all their old bedrooms, now being used for other purposes.

Armie, technically Armand, was named after the protagonist of one of Ana’s, his mother, favourite novels. Life can be a bit of an uphill battle when you’re the youngest, but Armie’s had more than his share of “stuff” to deal with. Still, he can create some beautiful furniture, and there’s something to be said about that.

Charlie lives in California now, where she’s a glorified personal “assistant” to a Hollywood film actress with a child. Both have young boys close to the same age. The actress is a bit of a tyrant, expecting Charlie to be her beck-and-call-girl at a text-message-minute’s-notice. Her husband is a tall childlike overbearing bully. Their son’s name is Abbott. Abbott has issues. He’s preschool, 4-5 age group, but socially immature, and is also prone to temper tantrums.

Josef is the oldest; he’s a divorced self-admitted sex addict, with two young girls, preteens. His mind has a one-track porn show going pretty much at all times. His wife, now ex-wife, has a new boyfriend. He’s a poet. If it weren’t for the fact that his ex has shown interest in another man, he probably would no longer view her as desirable, but he can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that she might be happier without him. That his girls might be happier. He obsesses about this except his thoughts are constantly interrupted with thoughts of having sex with someone else, the woman walking by, a text message from his assistant, it doesn’t take much to derail his thoughts.

Ana is their mother and wife to George, who isn’t looking very well these days. Just as things begin to get frantic, as George's health unravels, the east coast is hit by a hurricane, which adds some drama to the whole union behind this less than happy occasion for this family reunion.

The story does flow nicely; the characters are quirky enough to create some interesting and amusing events. It is amusing at times, although I would not call this hysterically funny. There are some touching moments, as well, as the story progresses, and one or two amusing-funny incidents. This is billed as being for readers of Jonathan Tropper, but I would say it’s more for those who loved “The Nest.”

Pub Date: 10 Jan 2017

ARC provided by Scribner, NetGalley and author Kris D’Agostino

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

On the night of a massive hurricane, three estranged siblings learn that their father is dying. Amid the storm, they come together to plan their father's memorial service, only to learn of his one dying wish.
The Westfalls are a dysfunctional family. The characters are well-developed, mostly unlikable (although I did like a few) with each of their own quirks. Reunited they clash in both sad and funny ways.
Well-written, entertaining and interesting!

Thank you to Net Galley and Scribner for an arc of this novel.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book because it was billed as a novel for those who enjoy Jonathan Tropper, whom I find vastly amusing. But this book is not in the same ilk at all. Tropper has a dark humor and often has me chuckling out loud. He knows how to balance humor and pathos. This book was so dark at the beginning I almost gave up on it. You are over halfway through the book before there's the slightest bit of levity. But the darkness just overwhelms the few bits of humor.

The characters have huge issues which left me feeling sorry for them. A father is dying from cancer. His wife, Ana, is his main caregiver and tries to find solace at Mass and the local wine bar. His three children all have major problems in their lives - one has a failing business, another has a failing marriage and a child on the autism spectrum, the third is unemployed and living in his parents’ basement. Ana is the only one I felt I even halfway understood. Maybe because we're a similar age. She wonders how her children turned out so different than what she imagined. Josef, the least son, positively gave me the creeps. He believes he’s a sex addict, although his psychiatrist doesn't believe such a thing exists. More than anything, he was just a pompous jerk.

I'm trying to decide if I would have liked this book better at a different time of the year. This is definitely not a good book to put you in the holiday spirit. It ends on a positive note but it just takes so long to get there. This book ranks somewhere between a 2.5 and a 3. The writing is decent, so based on that I'm rounding up to a 3.

My thanks to netgalley and Scribner for an advance copy of this book.

[Carmen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have about twenty pages to go and I'm confident I can write the review. This is a fast read, so it has that going for it. The characters are flat and predictable. This is a formulaic tale of middle-aged siblings caught in various stages of arrested adulthood development. Father dies and they are using the memorial weekend as the opportunity to cry about all of their grievances with each other and him. In fact, if you've already read "This Is Where I Leave You" you can skip this book all together bc it is basically the same book. Better yet, skip both books and just watch the movie, save yourself some time. Also, if you are having daddy issues, spend this weekend working it out and save the world another book about it.

[Deah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't really like this book, and I need to start paying more attention to books that are characterized as "fast paced dysfunctional comedy". Having lived in it, I don't really see dysfunctionalism as very comedic, with the possible exceptions of Arrested Development and Jonathan Tropper's This is Where I Leave You (dark humor and hilarious!). Most of the time, reading about people's insanely stressed out lives just stresses me out and makes me wonder why they don't seem to have the sense God should have given them.
For example:
*If you're working for an actress who has just fired her staff of approximately 14, and you're picking up the slack as her "personal assistant", then I sure hope you're getting paid 14 salaries. Maybe that will make it worth neglecting your child, your home, and your marriage.
*If your autistic son loves ponies and refuses to dress in anything but pony clothes and backpacks, and your husband thinks My Little Ponies is too girly, surely you can do an internet search and find other horse or pony related clothes and toys that your son might like just as well.
*There's nothing wrong with living in your parents' basement and working on custom wood furniture, but if your father is dying and your mom is struggling to run the family business, the least you can do is help her out some. Many people choose to live with their parents or with their adult children because they need a little help in life, with a family business, a sick relative, etc.
*Josef? Okay, he was just a waste of space and I hope his ex-wife, his daughters, and even Nora just steer clear of him. Sorry, you don't get to whine about your dwindling bank account while you're paying for a high priced Craigslist whore.

This one wasn't for me but if you liked The Nest and other books such as The Vacationers or Where'd You Go Bernadette you might like this one.

[Cat Jenkins · Rating 1 out of 5]

The things about this book that don't work for me:

1. Alliterative character names. Abbot, Armie, Audrey, Ana, Andy... When none of the characters is likeable or memorable and their names all blend, then you spend the first half of the book backtracking and trying to keep them straight. If you care that much. Which I didn't.

2. False advertising. The cover is quixotically designed and sports the tribute '...a hurricane of hilarity...' There was nothing even remotely humorous about this book. It would have been better served to have a solid black cover. And maybe the title should have been "Do Not Enter." I wouldn't have felt so cheated then.

3. And here's the thing that really got my steam boiling: the coy, pretentious, writer's ploy of not making it clear who each segment is about. You're supposed to 'get it' by picking up clues from the setting and action. Sometimes you could, but DAMN IT!!! I WANT TO KNOW WHO I'M READING ABOUT. I do NOT want to play a cutesy, little guessing game, because, frankly, this book, this story, and the writing weren't worth it. If you're going to play peek-a-boo with your reader, you damn well better be good at it, and it damn well better be worth the reader's effort. This wasn't. Endlessly irritating to have each bit use pronouns only for far too long, rather than manning up and naming the character.

Now, having expressed my disappointment and contempt for 'cutesy' pretensions, I do hope this writer doesn't give up. I hope he matures and learns and tries again. There might be something grand hiding under all the crap. But this book didn't let it shine through.

[Jaclyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Middling midlist dressed as literary lamb (and I'm a vegetarian). Think This is Where I Leave you only nowhere near as good (and I didn't like that book that much). Dysfunctional family coming together to deal with their dying father while a hurricane looms. One son, Josef, is such a creepy misogynist that I had to completely disengage. So yeah, this one was not for me.

[Janet Elsbach · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can't say I agree with the 'sparklingly funny' analysis. Dark, and mainly populated with characters it is equally hard to feel empathy for or to laugh at, with snappy toggles between their various storylines. Solid descriptive writing, I just intensely disliked being around these people; some were jerks and some were just stuck, in ways that made you want to goose them to get them moving but not hang around with them. Sort of Where'd You Go Bernadette, but minus most of the pell-mell I Love Lucy fruit-cart-toppling. Chapped me arse. Maybe my expectations were just skewed by the big OH HOW YOU WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH build up.

[Tracy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Happy Hour Book Club pick for June.

Really only 2.5, but I'm feeling generous. I didn't like any of the characters, I didn't relate to their issues, and several of the scenes just rang so false to me. No spoilers, but there's a scene where the kids are missing and instead of frantically searching for the kids, the daughter takes time to calmly interrupt her mother and talk her out of what she was doing before saying the kids are missing. Riiight. There's also a connection with underwear that makes no sense--the husband and the brother's mistress (who've never met) and the internet? No. Convenient, tied-up loose ends? No.

Nevermind, I just talked myself out of 3 stars.

[Juniper · Rating 2 out of 5]

1 ½ stars, if we could do that here.

this was a frustrating read for me. the characters lacked depth. i was quite into armie and abbott - but was left wanting so much more from their storylines. the ending felt odd -- a ham-handed, blatant aside that stalled out the flow. i also did not find the novel particularly humourous (dark, or otherwise) or "rollicking". i appreciated what d'agostino was trying to do, but it just didn't work for me, unfortunately.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Light and funny, very similar to “This Is Where I Leave You”. Lack of chapters was hard to get used to.

[Lola · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

[Katrina Dessavre · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm surprised this book is not more well-known and loved because I thought it was absolutely fantastic. I really appreciate the careful plotting and character development that went into the writing of this book. It payed off - the plot moves along at a pace that made me want to turn the pages and there were plenty of surprises along the way, despite being more of a character-driven story. I ended up caring for each of the characters (with the exception of the mother, perhaps, but that's maybe because she didn't appear as often), despite the fact that they were all very much flawed. Overall, the feel of the book reminded me of "A Visit From the Goon Squad," which I loved. I thought the book struck a great balance between seriousness and humor. I find that a lot of books about family dynamics tend to be too serious, making them rather flat in my opinion, but this included many absurd situations that were funny without being ridiculous. I look forward to reading the author's first book and can't wait for what he writes next.

[Layla Forooghi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the pace of this book! There are some reviews that say but it’s too busy. Has anyone ever attended a family event where there isn’t more than one thing going on? That’s the point ! - Real life is like that, busy. That was part of the appeal of this book to me it was so real. I laughed I teared, it was a not so fluffy read that was just as easy to read as if it was, with maybe a tiny bit of fluff in it. Just the right amount, as Josef might say:) And I actually enjoyed the lack of chapters it was a perfect flow for this book.

[Kait McNamee · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give this 3.5 stars if I could. I really enjoyed the time I spent reading it, which is rare for books that Overdrive recommends to me. Then again, Overdrive also keeps recommending Learn English to me, despite my multiple English degrees...so get your shit together, Overdrive! Anyway, this book could've easily strayed into MFA-student-bullshit writing but luckily, it just toed that line and stayed, for the most part, unpretentious in the right ways.

The one main problem I had with the story is that it seemed a bit crowded. There were too many voices and some characters smothered others, or their voices just petered out without warning. Andddd finally, one nitpicky thing—using the word "lithe" more than once to describe someone is too many times. One lithe per book, please and thank you.

[Valeri · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

Chaos. Just pure chaos. But in a good way. Gotta love family drama and this was done in a heartfelt way

[Marian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Members of a dysfunctional family gather at their childhood home when the patriarch dies. This book is witty, dark, wonderfully written, and set in the middle of a hurricane.

[Courtney · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think I was destined to give up on this one. I disliked it from the outset, the way it was structured. I hated how the POV kept jumping around. I never knew which character I was reading about until I was a paragraph or so in, then it would change again.

The author didn't make me care enough about any of the characters for me to want to keep reading, honestly. The dying father is an asshole, the oldest son is an asshole and a sex addict, the younger son is basically a blank spot (not that there was much written from his POV in what little I read, it's mostly others talking *about* him), the only thing I got from the mother's POV is that she wants her husband to care about his health and do something proactive. That, and she likes to travel to find things to sell in their store. The daughter has an autistic son and she doesn't advocate for him at all. Every time she attempts to, she lets her husband steamroll over her. She runs away from confrontation.

So, yeah. I didn't like any of them. I kept waiting for it to be the “sparklingly funny novel about love, power, money, and adult siblings finding the beating heart of what matters most: one another” in the book description, but it was distinctly not funny.

I'll be honest, the author lost me with the sex addict asshole older brother and it didn't get any better. My advice? Skip it. It's not worth your time.

[Trin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This has got to be at least the third "dysfunctional family gathers after the death of the patriarch" book that I've read -- Jonathan Tropper's This is Where I Leave You and Stewart O'Nan's Wish You Were Here are what spring immediately to mind -- but it's by far my favorite of the three. D'Agostino doesn't get as lost in minutiae as O'Nan, nor rely as heavily on *~*SHENANIGANS*~* as Tropper. The Antiques was still predictable at times, but I liked its quiet optimism. It's not an extraordinary novel, but it is a satisfying one.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, they say this novel is fast paced. And in some ways I suppose it is, but only because it takes place over the course of a week. And a LOT happens in that week! But the pace of the story itself doesn't seem fast paced. We have Charlie on the west coast. She has a son with some type of undisclosed/undiagnosed disability and a husband who just doesn't do a good job of dealing with it. We have Josef who is the caricature of a sex addict and a blowhard business man always eager for the quick score. And finally Armie who lives in his parent's basement making furniture and pining after the girl he took to senior ball. Their father passes away and they all come home to help their mother deal with the death. In the meantime they are also dealing with all their own issues and the fall out of a storm. A good read.

[Evelyn Rosario · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful story

A beautiful story about family united - the good the bad and the ugly - united. Expressing who there are without apologizing. Brought tears to my eyes to think how blessed we truly are to be disfunctional and yet old hands together.

[Elizabeth Friesen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book quickly, simply because I found it difficult to become too emotionally invested in any of the characters. It reminded me of so many other books where families reunite for a major event (i.e. holiday, funeral, wedding, anniversary, etc.) and manage a temporary period of civility and maturity before all of the old wounds and resentments (predictably) rise to the surface once more. The familial structure and pecking order are quickly re-established, as everyone naturally assumes their given roles, most often related to gender and/or birth order. Personally, I find that boring and pedestrian. How refreshing would it be to read a novel where the older, better looking, more succesful brother wasn't an asshole?!!!

In The Antiques, it seems as though each character rises to the apex of his/her own dysfunction. Honestly, I don't know which character I hated most! Actually, I do...the mother, Ana. I felt compassion for one of the sons, Armie, and enjoyed his storyline, but that was it. I could have done without the rest of them. (Without Armie's storyline, I would have rated this book 2 stars.)

To the author's credit, the storyline moves along quickly and situations are not drawn out any longer than necessary. Some of the scenes are poignant, others highly comedic. Unfortunately, with the characters being so foolish and unlikeable, I had little desire to find out anything more about them.

I had such high hopes for this book but, in the end, I wish I hadn't bothered.

[Yolanda Wallington · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. Right between "It was ok" and "I liked it". This is a story of a family of three adults and their mom who converge at the parent's home when their father dies. I have never read a book where I disliked every character, even the mother. Each "kid" is a train wreck: the oldest, selfish, sex-addicted, divorced, but successful brother, the pretty, clueless, middle-child sister with her cheating husband and undisciplined kid, and the spoiled, misdirected, artistic youngest brother who actually lives in the basement. The soul-less father wasn't even allowed to die peacefully with his wife complaining and talking about herself.
This book is predictable and funny; it is funny in a "you have got to be kidding me sort of way". Thankfully, the author doesn't try to tie it all neatly at the end and I am glad that I kept reading to find out what happened to this crazy crew. I've read other reviews that have stated that this book will make you thankful for the family that you have and more forgiving. Didn't quite do that for me, but maybe that is because I lean more toward the belief that you don't have to accept anyone's abuse or excuse them just because they are related. For others, you might get the warm and fuzzies. I enjoyed the distraction but these characters are very forgettable. Pick this up for an entertaining, quick read.

[Julianne Bancroft · Rating 3 out of 5]

In The Antiques, by Kris D’Agostino, a storm comparable to Superstorm Sandy bears down on the mid-Atlantic coast, just as the storms within the lives of the Westfall family gather steam and hit. One sex addicted sibling is trying to complete a sale of his most recent start up that will make or break him. One sibling must balance a child’s probable autism, her superstar client’s demands, and her husband’s suspected infidelity. The third sibling is still living in his parents’ basement. As the storm hits, their father dies, and they must work together to decide whether they ever have been, or can continue to be, a family. The characters are well drawn, and the narrative moves along briskly. My biggest complaint is that there are no characters I truly liked, or with whom I could relate. But perhaps that’s what makes the Westfall family like one’s own family. *I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review*

[Jan P · Rating 4 out of 5]

A week in the life of the dysfunctional Westfall family. Elder parents, George and Ana, grown children Josef, Charlie (daughter) and Armie, all scattered and living their own lives. As I started to read, I thought I would not enjoy this book and was sure I'd stop at the end of the chapter. But it was tantalizing enough that I read another chapter and then became invested in the characters, although I really didn't care for any of the children. Anyway, Dad dies. Children flock home, family all together for first time in years, revealing all the angst, love, trauma and memories that brought them to that point. Other ancillary characters add to the mix. It was just an entertaining story, serious and funny. The last chapter ended with the mother trying to make sense of what family is, how it is shaped, how you change or don't change, and how you cope and survive.

[Emma Zucati · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book tried really hard to be good. And it almost worked out. The characters had really good potential, but only some of them worked out. Sometimes it felt like a bit of a habdashery though, like random ideas were being thrown at the board and only some of them stuck their landing. There were like 3 different climaxes for the painting. Pick one and stick with it. Also, the medical jargon was just bad. So so bad. If a character has cancer, tell us actual information: type, stage, what the surgery is for. And the ending was so bad! It felt like the author had a timed write and forgot to leave enough time for the conclusion so they just scribbled some sentences together so everyone had a happyish ending except a couple random plot tangents that were created near the end. Those were just forgotten and never wrapped up.

[Jan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have read my fair share of novels about dysfunctional families. While they are not my first choice, most of the others had worthwhile characters, a cogent story line, something of interest to carry a reader through the entirety of the book. I did not like any of these people. The reviews I read (and I usually read few before I start a book) led me to believe that although dysfunctional, I would like these people, I would find the book funny, clever and modern. It was a quick read, I did not laugh out loud once - rather I endured all their worst behavior and immaturity in order to finish the book.

[Julia E · Rating 4 out of 5]

D'Agostino's character development is the best part of the book. (If you've seen the movie "August: Osage County," it's similar--more character development than plot.) The characters each are very well defined and struggling in unique ways, and I switched my protagonist several times. It's a quick read, but perhaps not as light and comedic as advertised. The characters deal with complex topics, such as death, abandonment, and failed dreams, so it's sort of misleading to call it a comedy. A great read all the same!

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

For the most part I liked this book. It’s primarily a character study with not a lot of actual events to drive the story. I found the characters of the two sons and even the father well written and fascinating. The daughter’s storyline, while interesting, just didn’t work for me and she never felt like a real person. I found the mother character lacking and she did not come to life.

Other parts of the story seemed so contrived and out of place. In particular the movie star and panty girl were interesting bits to read but I think they detracted from the rest of the story.

[John Pehle · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you like dysfunctional families, awkward laugh-out-loud moments, and hurricane damage, you may really enjoy "The Antiques". There are plenty of marginally despicable characters but the focus is on three siblings, each of whom are wrestling with a personal crisis at a time when their ill father passes away. I will say that the story builds to a oddly satisfying conclusion and, if nothing else, reading this book will help you will feel better about your own family's special brand of dysfunction.