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What Made Maddy Run: The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen
The #1 New York Times Monthly Sports and Fitness bestseller
From noted ESPN commentator and journalist Kate Fagan, the heartbreaking and vital story of college athlete Madison Holleran, whose death by suicide rocked the University of Pennsylvania campus and whose life reveals with haunting detail and uncommon understanding the struggle of young people suffering from mental illness today.
If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started.
But when Maddy began her long-awaited college career, her parents noticed something changed. Previously indefatigable Maddy became withdrawn, and her thoughts centered on how she could change her life. In spite of thousands of hours of practice and study, she contemplated transferring from the school that had once been her dream. When Maddy's dad, Jim, dropped her off for the first day of spring semester, she held him a second longer than usual. That would be the last time Jim would see his daughter.
What Made Maddy Run began as a piece that Kate Fagan, a columnist for espnW, wrote about Maddy's life. What started as a profile of a successful young athlete whose life ended in suicide became so much larger when Fagan started to hear from other college athletes also struggling with mental illness. This is the story of Maddy Holleran's life, and her struggle with depression, which also reveals the mounting pressures young people, and college athletes in particular, face to be perfect, especially in an age of relentless connectivity and social media saturation.
From noted ESPN commentator and journalist Kate Fagan, the heartbreaking and vital story of college athlete Madison Holleran, whose death by suicide rocked the University of Pennsylvania campus and whose life reveals with haunting detail and uncommon understanding the struggle of young people suffering from mental illness today.
If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started.
But when Maddy began her long-awaited college career, her parents noticed something changed. Previously indefatigable Maddy became withdrawn, and her thoughts centered on how she could change her life. In spite of thousands of hours of practice and study, she contemplated transferring from the school that had once been her dream. When Maddy's dad, Jim, dropped her off for the first day of spring semester, she held him a second longer than usual. That would be the last time Jim would see his daughter.
What Made Maddy Run began as a piece that Kate Fagan, a columnist for espnW, wrote about Maddy's life. What started as a profile of a successful young athlete whose life ended in suicide became so much larger when Fagan started to hear from other college athletes also struggling with mental illness. This is the story of Maddy Holleran's life, and her struggle with depression, which also reveals the mounting pressures young people, and college athletes in particular, face to be perfect, especially in an age of relentless connectivity and social media saturation.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published August 1, 2017
784 people are currently reading
18106 people want to read
About the author
Kate Fagan
9 books706 followersKate Fagan is an Emmy Award–winning journalist and the #1 New York Times bestselling author of What Made Maddy Run, which was a semi-finalist for the PEN/ESPN Award for literary sports writing. She is also the author of three additional nonfiction titles, a former professional basketball player, and spent seven years as a journalist at ESPN. Kate currently lives in Charleston with her wife, Kathryn Budig, and their dog, Ragnar.
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December 19, 2018
The next time you find yourself shocked/stupified/wishing you could bitchslap some obnoxious Millennial, do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of Kate Fagan's What Made Maddy Run
The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen. It won't make you want to bitchslap them any less, but at least you'll understand what the hell is wrong with them.
Seriously.
What Made Maddy Run profiles just one 19 year-old woman, but the story of her life, from its promising beginning to its tragic end, encapsulates the flaws and struggles of an entire generation.
Fagan's book, which poses important questions about the pressures facing the youngest Millennials and discusses the state of mental health on college campuses, should be required reading for all incoming freshmen, their parents, and their professors--recognizing mental health issues in this famously non-communicative generation is their job.
As for the rest of us?
The book gives us a little insight into what makes these kids tick. You won't come away with a newfound respect (lol) for Millennials--kudos to Fagan, by the way, for making zero attempt to defend the Shittiest Generation--but at least you'll understand 20-somethings a little better.
But I digress.
Fagan's book explores the events leading up to the suicide of 19 year-old Ivy League track star Madison Holleran. What was it that drove a beautiful, brilliant, accomplished student and star athlete--and 6 others at her university that same year--to take her own life?
The girl had everything, and a bright future was all but guaranteed.
So.
What the hell happened?
Fagan does a lot of deep diving into possible factors leading to Maddy's suicide, from mental illness to the enormous amount of pressure that student athletes endure, but her main theory is one that rings so true that it's particularly alarming.
Simply put, Fagan argues that Madison's generation of "digital natives" (those who never lived in a world without the Internet) are social media savvy as fuck, but offline, they lack basic social and emotional skills--i.e. empathy, introspection, self-expression, compassion, etc.--essential to human communication and interaction. In Madison's case, real communication was exactly what she needed, was incapable of asking for, and wasn't getting.
To paraphrase the hell out of Fagan, think about Millennials like Madison this way:
--Growing up with a screen in their faces has left these kids with almost zero capacity for critical thinking; instead, they function mindless and automated...just like the computers that raised them. The result is "a generation of world-class hoop jumpers...young people who know what they’re supposed to say, but not necessarily why they’re saying it." This is a group of young people who "have been taught what to think, but not how to think."
--The majority of their socialization takes place online: text messages, Facebook, Instagram, etc., which keeps communication at an emoji-filled level of superficiality. Citing scholar William Deresiewicz, Fagan notes the problematic nature of that superficiality: "We have 968 “friends” that we never actually talk to; instead we just bounce one-line messages off them a hundred times a day. This is not friendship, this is distraction."
--They're masters at perfecting their online personas but, as Fagan notes, the controlled image these kids present on social media "reduces [the] ability to reach one another when in distress." Keeping up appearances online is one thing, but these kids are often focused on maintaining that same facade offline. Gee. Never getting the space to be real and your social media self begins to interfere with your true self, all while masking potential problems beneath the surface... What could go wrong?
--Because those "life marketing" social media skills come at the expense of real human interaction, these kids are at a disadvantage when real-life happens--especially when there are problems that require articulating emotions that run deeper than an "I'm-so-happy-life-is-so-perfect" Instagram post.
Take all of those factors, along with that group of young people so completely incapable of coping, and consider what would happen in the case of a major life upset.
In Fagan's book, that life upset was Madison Holleran's freshman year of college. (Seriously, does anything suck more than the first year of college?? UGH). If you can remember a world without the Internet, then you probably coped like the rest of us did: you cried to your roommate, got pancakes at 3AM, and finally got wasted friends until some of the stress abated.
But this new generation is different. To understand Madison Holleran's freshman year, take out the human connection and the normalcy in expressing negative emotions that we had. Add in perfectionism, the grueling schedule of a student athlete, and mental illness. And remember the pressure to maintain a perfect social presence, both on and offline, even if it's masking serious inner turmoil.
The result?
A girl who had it all was suddenly facing the dark depths of depression alone, with no understanding of what she was experiencing, no ability to articulate what she was feeling, and a near-zero support system because her Instagram persona kept friends unaware of the depths of her depression.
I suppose I couldn't put this down because I felt a brief pause in my daily rage at Millennials...I mean, it's not their fault that they were raised in front of screens their whole lives. (Actually, that's probably the reason they're like the human equivalent of a popup error message when asked to think outside the box to solve a fuckin problem--but whatever).
It makes them no less irritating, but...
...at least in this case, the story of one digital native who had the potential to be great and lost it all touches you in some way. Fagan's depiction of Maddy's final moments was devoid of sensationalism, maybe even brought tears to my eyes >ahem<, and showed the reality of what these young people are truly robbed of when we teach them how to navigate the Internet but not life itself.
So, extremely well-written, excellent piece of sports journalism, and while not exactly an uplifting read, an important one for understanding the next generation.
Nicely done.
The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen. It won't make you want to bitchslap them any less, but at least you'll understand what the hell is wrong with them.
Seriously.
What Made Maddy Run profiles just one 19 year-old woman, but the story of her life, from its promising beginning to its tragic end, encapsulates the flaws and struggles of an entire generation.
Fagan's book, which poses important questions about the pressures facing the youngest Millennials and discusses the state of mental health on college campuses, should be required reading for all incoming freshmen, their parents, and their professors--recognizing mental health issues in this famously non-communicative generation is their job.
As for the rest of us?
The book gives us a little insight into what makes these kids tick. You won't come away with a newfound respect (lol) for Millennials--kudos to Fagan, by the way, for making zero attempt to defend the Shittiest Generation--but at least you'll understand 20-somethings a little better.
But I digress.
Fagan's book explores the events leading up to the suicide of 19 year-old Ivy League track star Madison Holleran. What was it that drove a beautiful, brilliant, accomplished student and star athlete--and 6 others at her university that same year--to take her own life?
The girl had everything, and a bright future was all but guaranteed.
So.
What the hell happened?
Fagan does a lot of deep diving into possible factors leading to Maddy's suicide, from mental illness to the enormous amount of pressure that student athletes endure, but her main theory is one that rings so true that it's particularly alarming.
Simply put, Fagan argues that Madison's generation of "digital natives" (those who never lived in a world without the Internet) are social media savvy as fuck, but offline, they lack basic social and emotional skills--i.e. empathy, introspection, self-expression, compassion, etc.--essential to human communication and interaction. In Madison's case, real communication was exactly what she needed, was incapable of asking for, and wasn't getting.
To paraphrase the hell out of Fagan, think about Millennials like Madison this way:
--Growing up with a screen in their faces has left these kids with almost zero capacity for critical thinking; instead, they function mindless and automated...just like the computers that raised them. The result is "a generation of world-class hoop jumpers...young people who know what they’re supposed to say, but not necessarily why they’re saying it." This is a group of young people who "have been taught what to think, but not how to think."
--The majority of their socialization takes place online: text messages, Facebook, Instagram, etc., which keeps communication at an emoji-filled level of superficiality. Citing scholar William Deresiewicz, Fagan notes the problematic nature of that superficiality: "We have 968 “friends” that we never actually talk to; instead we just bounce one-line messages off them a hundred times a day. This is not friendship, this is distraction."
--They're masters at perfecting their online personas but, as Fagan notes, the controlled image these kids present on social media "reduces [the] ability to reach one another when in distress." Keeping up appearances online is one thing, but these kids are often focused on maintaining that same facade offline. Gee. Never getting the space to be real and your social media self begins to interfere with your true self, all while masking potential problems beneath the surface... What could go wrong?
--Because those "life marketing" social media skills come at the expense of real human interaction, these kids are at a disadvantage when real-life happens--especially when there are problems that require articulating emotions that run deeper than an "I'm-so-happy-life-is-so-perfect" Instagram post.
Take all of those factors, along with that group of young people so completely incapable of coping, and consider what would happen in the case of a major life upset.
In Fagan's book, that life upset was Madison Holleran's freshman year of college. (Seriously, does anything suck more than the first year of college?? UGH). If you can remember a world without the Internet, then you probably coped like the rest of us did: you cried to your roommate, got pancakes at 3AM, and finally got wasted friends until some of the stress abated.
But this new generation is different. To understand Madison Holleran's freshman year, take out the human connection and the normalcy in expressing negative emotions that we had. Add in perfectionism, the grueling schedule of a student athlete, and mental illness. And remember the pressure to maintain a perfect social presence, both on and offline, even if it's masking serious inner turmoil.
The result?
A girl who had it all was suddenly facing the dark depths of depression alone, with no understanding of what she was experiencing, no ability to articulate what she was feeling, and a near-zero support system because her Instagram persona kept friends unaware of the depths of her depression.
I suppose I couldn't put this down because I felt a brief pause in my daily rage at Millennials...I mean, it's not their fault that they were raised in front of screens their whole lives. (Actually, that's probably the reason they're like the human equivalent of a popup error message when asked to think outside the box to solve a fuckin problem--but whatever).
It makes them no less irritating, but...
...at least in this case, the story of one digital native who had the potential to be great and lost it all touches you in some way. Fagan's depiction of Maddy's final moments was devoid of sensationalism, maybe even brought tears to my eyes >ahem<, and showed the reality of what these young people are truly robbed of when we teach them how to navigate the Internet but not life itself.
So, extremely well-written, excellent piece of sports journalism, and while not exactly an uplifting read, an important one for understanding the next generation.
Nicely done.
August 4, 2017
I had to take some time to collect my thoughts after I finished this book. Heartbreaking. Raw. REAL. This is a book that all college students should read (athlete or not), all parents of college students should read, and all coaches and professors. Kate Fagan did an amazing job at covering this story in a very respectful and safe way. Through the pages you get to know not only Madison, but you also get to know the mind of a college student, the pressures that collegiate athletes face, and the importance of mental health resources and awareness.
I couldn't stop crying throughout the last pages of this book but I am so glad that Maddy's story was able to be told and I hope that not only does this book bring awareness, but it also brings hope, that there are people out there who know and understand how hard it can get at times.
I hope those who read this, and are struggling, that they will feel less alone.
This book will change and save lives, no doubt.
Well done!
I couldn't stop crying throughout the last pages of this book but I am so glad that Maddy's story was able to be told and I hope that not only does this book bring awareness, but it also brings hope, that there are people out there who know and understand how hard it can get at times.
I hope those who read this, and are struggling, that they will feel less alone.
This book will change and save lives, no doubt.
Well done!
November 27, 2017
In 2014, Maddy Holleran, a freshman track star at the University of Pennsylvania commits suicide. Sportswriter Kate Fagan, a former college athlete, sees herself in Maddy and tries to deconstruct what made the promising young woman kill herself.
Interviewing family, friends and coaches Fagan tries to understand both Maddy and the atmosphere amongst elite universities and athletics. Penn had seen a number of suicides over the past year and Fagan seeks to search for reasons and solutions.
Fagan’s compulsively readable writing style was the best part of the book, which I devoured in less than a day. She interspersed her own story in the middle of Maddy’s, as well as her conjecture of stressors and reasons life is hard for this first generation of the social media era. Unfortunately, Fagan doesn’t do an adequate job of any parts.
I had the impression that Fagan wasn’t able to separate her experiences and feelings from Maddy’s. Too often the writer tells what Maddy was thinking and feeling without having access to the young woman’s thoughts or feelings. Fagan seemed to write what how she projected Maddy felt. Perhaps a better vehicle would have been a fictional story based on fact. If I had wanted to read Fagan’s story I would have read her own memoir.
Some of the social observations Fagan makes in WHAT MADE MADDY RUN seemed correct, particularly the constant access parents have to kids, many parents willing to provide quick reassurance or intervention can leave some college freshman ill equipped to handle life independently. A generation ago students would call parents weekly from their dorms (or the phone down the hall), now they are attached to their phones which constant access and “how are you”s.
Fagan’s assertion Maddy’s need for external validation from her coach stemmed from a combination of parents teaching kids they are special and unique without emphasizing that everyone else is as well is another good point.
Fagan also inferred that athletic departments ought to do more, like having staff psychologists specific for student athletes rather than surmising that not all former high school superstars are cut out for the rigors of division 1 college sports (and that it’s okay).
WHAT MADE MADDY RUN left me sad for Maddy, her friends, family and coaches and wanting more, especially how they’re now doing. The story felt unsatisfying, wishing additional information about Maddy and less about Fagan. I think it’s an important read for parents of high school and college students, but less so for those students who may be struggling. I wouldn’t recommend young adults struggling with depression to read the book.
Interviewing family, friends and coaches Fagan tries to understand both Maddy and the atmosphere amongst elite universities and athletics. Penn had seen a number of suicides over the past year and Fagan seeks to search for reasons and solutions.
Fagan’s compulsively readable writing style was the best part of the book, which I devoured in less than a day. She interspersed her own story in the middle of Maddy’s, as well as her conjecture of stressors and reasons life is hard for this first generation of the social media era. Unfortunately, Fagan doesn’t do an adequate job of any parts.
I had the impression that Fagan wasn’t able to separate her experiences and feelings from Maddy’s. Too often the writer tells what Maddy was thinking and feeling without having access to the young woman’s thoughts or feelings. Fagan seemed to write what how she projected Maddy felt. Perhaps a better vehicle would have been a fictional story based on fact. If I had wanted to read Fagan’s story I would have read her own memoir.
Some of the social observations Fagan makes in WHAT MADE MADDY RUN seemed correct, particularly the constant access parents have to kids, many parents willing to provide quick reassurance or intervention can leave some college freshman ill equipped to handle life independently. A generation ago students would call parents weekly from their dorms (or the phone down the hall), now they are attached to their phones which constant access and “how are you”s.
Fagan’s assertion Maddy’s need for external validation from her coach stemmed from a combination of parents teaching kids they are special and unique without emphasizing that everyone else is as well is another good point.
Fagan also inferred that athletic departments ought to do more, like having staff psychologists specific for student athletes rather than surmising that not all former high school superstars are cut out for the rigors of division 1 college sports (and that it’s okay).
WHAT MADE MADDY RUN left me sad for Maddy, her friends, family and coaches and wanting more, especially how they’re now doing. The story felt unsatisfying, wishing additional information about Maddy and less about Fagan. I think it’s an important read for parents of high school and college students, but less so for those students who may be struggling. I wouldn’t recommend young adults struggling with depression to read the book.
April 4, 2018
I was a little confused about what this book was trying to be, because main subject matter aside -- a 19-year-old DI student athlete at Penn with the world seemingly at her fingertips throws herself from the ninth floor of a parking garage one week into her second semester, leaving notes and presents for her family behind -- it kind of veers into like, multiple explorations of wildly different topics that coincide with Maddy's story, and then on top of that, there's the author's own journey into her past as she becomes more and more entrenched in Maddy to the point where she starts to like...feel her with her in the night? I enjoyed Maddy's story and the accompanying tangents about things like the lack of mental health awareness in collegiate sports, our tendency to curate our social media to reflect nothing but the good, and the sensationalist coverage of suicide in the media (which, considering the author is writing a book to further publicize an already highly-publicized case, is a bit awkward and tone-deaf), but I found the author's story confusing, included maybe just to fill a word limit. The author was a DI basketball player who struggled with feeling settled in her program, but says early on in the book that she has never struggled with depression and has no idea what Maddy would've dealt with o a daily basis, which is why she consults so many others to flesh out those details and insights. So I didn't find her own story really relevant (and considering this book wasn't about her, I didn't really care about it to be frank?) and I also found the moments where she talked about becoming more 'connected' to Maddy -- to the point of her father calling her and telling her to take a break from writing the book -- a bit creepy and like something out of a thriller, especially when she gets to what I guess was a dream in which she was FaceTiming Maddy? I was like yikes, moving on...I get feeling connected to your subject but I don't see how it was at all relevant to Maddy's story or the circumstances surrounding it. The story and the insight into why Maddy was depressed were worth the read, however. As an aside, I couldn't help thinking throughout that something like 5000 people commit suicide every day, and yet the world only cares when it's a pretty, popular, wealthy, Ivy League athlete...not the author's fault that this became as sensationalized as it did, leaving her to delve deeper into it, but still just kind of alarming that had this girl not been who she was, her story wouldn't have made the news let alone been turned into a book. I have mixed feelings about that, but am glad that at least the book is being used as a way to further mental health awareness and suicide prevention.
November 9, 2017
The title of the book "What Made Maddy Run: The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen" implies that the pages within contain the story behind the sudden death of a bright and accomplished young woman. Unfortunately, the author spent too much time talking about herself and never really gave readers a complete picture of Maddy Holleran. I never felt the essence of Maddy, never felt the emotions behind the words, and subsequently, feel the book did not fulfill the promise that the title put forth. Maddy's struggles, and the lessons that the world can gain from them, should have taken center stage. The author provided no assistance to those who may read this book that are in crisis, so I would not recommend What Made Maddy Run to other readers.
October 3, 2020
'What Made Maddy Run: The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen' by Kate Fagan left me feeling sad. Fagan certainly did her best to understand Maddy's suicide by examining Maddy's social media comments and by conducting interviews with family, friends, psychologists and other athletes, some of whom also felt suicidal after graduating from high school and transitioning to college.
The cover blurb is accurate, so I have copied it:
From noted ESPN commentator and journalist Kate Fagan, the heartbreaking and vital story of college athlete Madison Holleran, whose death by suicide rocked the University of Pennsylvania campus and whose life reveals with haunting detail and uncommon understanding the struggle of young people suffering from mental illness today
If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started.
But when Maddy began her long-awaited college career, her parents noticed something changed. Previously indefatigable Maddy became withdrawn, and her thoughts centered on how she could change her life. In spite of thousands of hours of practice and study, she contemplated transferring from the school that had once been her dream. When Maddy's dad, Jim, dropped her off for the first day of spring semester, she held him a second longer than usual. That would be the last time Jim would see his daughter.
WHAT MADE MADDY RUN began as a piece that Kate Fagan, a columnist for espnW, wrote about Maddy's life. What started as a profile of a successful young athlete whose life ended in suicide became so much larger when Fagan started to hear from other college athletes also struggling with mental illness. This is the story of Maddy Holleran's life, and her struggle with depression, which also reveals the mounting pressures young people, and college athletes in particular, face to be perfect, especially in an age of relentless connectivity and social media saturation.
Fagan examines the pressures student athletes feel from everyone as well as themselves in athletic performance.
-The increasing number of and neverending physical intensity of the workouts and the toll on the body.
-The social reinforcement and internalization and the mental shaping of personal thoughts about quitting and quitters replacing one's true feelings and ideas.
-Lack of personal authenticity and being unable to discuss that with anyone.
-Fagan didn't say, but I think being inexperienced with the unexpected road curves of life suddenly turning up and ruining all of your plans for your life.
The unexpected road curves I think Maddy apparently faced was the isolation of a big impersonal university and the realization she was fifth best, not first as she was in her smaller high-school world despite her best efforts. Fagan believes this, too, I think. I also think a secondary cause was her unwillingness or inability to accept her limitations and thus needing to lower the bar on her expectations. She must have put her entire fortune, so to speak, meaning her sense of self, on what she thought was a done deal - being without peer as an athlete. That rug was pulled out from under her feet. She also apparently suffered from an anxiety disorder, which seems to be a more common problem with today's young generation. At least, more psychologists are beginning to sound the alarm of anxiety disorders becoming common among young people. They suspect it is the texting, the Emojis standing in for actual emotion and personal contact, the increased level of social performance and appearance of perfection required on social media. Comments must be glammed up, pictures must be made beautiful, life events must be exaggerated into either a positive or humorous outcome, or the dull and ordinary must be made cute or interesting, to gather in 'likes'. Real-life feelings/desires and imperfections are hidden under a false social self for profit and advancement both socially and financially.
Maybe this falsification of the external self since a person was a child leads to being empty of a real self to rely on when things go bad. Say goodbye to the authenticity of self! Say hello to increased depression and suicidal thoughts.
Continuing with my own personal observations:
I believe often no room is made for personal life evolutions for celebrities, for example, whether they are big fish in a small pond or large pond, being continuously in the limelight. For instance, the kid video gamer who becomes a millionaire from his YouTube channel; but then finds himself tired of it but he needs to continue with it because of financial pressures and being unable to tolerate the loss of face and 'love' in disappointing his fans. The millionaire kid singer who wants to sing jazz when he grows up instead of pop songs and loses his audience and financial support.
Then the seemingly relentless unceasing judgement in schools or social media today of one's looks, mistakes, life choices because of the technology of cell phone cameras and the Internet. The Internet never forgets anything uploaded online. Mistakes are forever today. Failures are forever today. Evolving out of an interest or talent is unforgivable today. There is no such thing as moving on from being, for example, the best cook, the best programmer, the best gamer, in one's supposedly 'close admirers' circle of social media. If one does move on - omg, the rancor, the rage, the verbal abuse, of admirers!
Just saying.
I have never been a Goodreads star reviewer going by the number of 'likes' I've observed other reviewers gather in. Sometimes I feel pangs about that, especially considering I've been here since 2010 and that I have written hundreds of reviews. My reviews are apparently unpopular and rejected by most! It does give me some 'ouch!' effect on my day sometimes.
However, my goal in reading and writing reviews on Goodreads since I became a member changed from keeping a book diary to satisfying myself in seeing who the authentic me is. I discover who I am in writing. Feelings and ideas which feel inchoate and disturbingly chaotic within me mysteriously become something I can grasp and feel more clearly when I write, sort of observing the Schrodinger's cat trapped in the box within my head. The endorphins flow for me in seeing in print who I am, having sorted myself out by writing! That is a powerful inducement, discovering what my authentic self is by writing - even more than writing to please a crowd and earn 'likes'. But I do not have a career or any financial interest in reviewing. I did not grow up or live most of my life with a social media image I have to maintain for my contacts or any admirers.
The university coach required before- and after-classes workouts every day. In Maddie's high school, she was expected to only work out three days a week after school. The pressure to perform was less shrill in high school, and of course, she was a part of a team of friends with whom she often partied and relaxed, people with whom she could more or less be herself. However, it is clear she was a driven personality, even in high school. She had a relentless drive to be the best.
She played soccer in high school where she excelled. She loved soccer. When she went to University, she went as a track athlete - running, because that is how she could get into an Ivy League University. Choosing to play soccer instead of track meant getting a scholarship to an ordinary college.
But what if she had been number one in the sport of track at college? I thought about this after finishing the book.
I couldn't help noticing there was no discussion of what might come for most athletes after college. Do people expect all college athletes to become coaches or what, after college? There are only so many coaching jobs. Is coaching, maybe being an ordinary coach as well, fulfilling after a being a star athlete, or less than? What other kind of paying job is there for those who can sprint and/or run for a long distance, especially since running very fast has a definite time limit based on the aging body. The majority of athletes who make it to the Olympics disappear from public view after the Olympics, a competition which takes place every four years. All of the other sports competition events must be entered after passing tryouts and raising money for travel, coaches, equipment and living expenses. Those who win first place, necessarily only a few, end up being a spokesman for a sports product for a living for, maybe, a decade. Admittedly, that can be very lucrative, but only for a very very small, minute, almost invisibly small, percentage. Maddie certainly wasn't going to be one who made it to that circle of success. What do ex-star high school or college athletes do with their lives after the blown knee, the third concussion, the failure to ever finish or land in the top three places of every race or game in everyone's estimation after a promising beginning?
This is not the book to answer those questions, unfortunately. But it definitely makes the case the various worlds involving the development and support of athletes should be doing more soul-searching in how they support the person and not just the bodies of athletes.
The cover blurb is accurate, so I have copied it:
From noted ESPN commentator and journalist Kate Fagan, the heartbreaking and vital story of college athlete Madison Holleran, whose death by suicide rocked the University of Pennsylvania campus and whose life reveals with haunting detail and uncommon understanding the struggle of young people suffering from mental illness today
If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started.
But when Maddy began her long-awaited college career, her parents noticed something changed. Previously indefatigable Maddy became withdrawn, and her thoughts centered on how she could change her life. In spite of thousands of hours of practice and study, she contemplated transferring from the school that had once been her dream. When Maddy's dad, Jim, dropped her off for the first day of spring semester, she held him a second longer than usual. That would be the last time Jim would see his daughter.
WHAT MADE MADDY RUN began as a piece that Kate Fagan, a columnist for espnW, wrote about Maddy's life. What started as a profile of a successful young athlete whose life ended in suicide became so much larger when Fagan started to hear from other college athletes also struggling with mental illness. This is the story of Maddy Holleran's life, and her struggle with depression, which also reveals the mounting pressures young people, and college athletes in particular, face to be perfect, especially in an age of relentless connectivity and social media saturation.
Fagan examines the pressures student athletes feel from everyone as well as themselves in athletic performance.
-The increasing number of and neverending physical intensity of the workouts and the toll on the body.
-The social reinforcement and internalization and the mental shaping of personal thoughts about quitting and quitters replacing one's true feelings and ideas.
-Lack of personal authenticity and being unable to discuss that with anyone.
-Fagan didn't say, but I think being inexperienced with the unexpected road curves of life suddenly turning up and ruining all of your plans for your life.
The unexpected road curves I think Maddy apparently faced was the isolation of a big impersonal university and the realization she was fifth best, not first as she was in her smaller high-school world despite her best efforts. Fagan believes this, too, I think. I also think a secondary cause was her unwillingness or inability to accept her limitations and thus needing to lower the bar on her expectations. She must have put her entire fortune, so to speak, meaning her sense of self, on what she thought was a done deal - being without peer as an athlete. That rug was pulled out from under her feet. She also apparently suffered from an anxiety disorder, which seems to be a more common problem with today's young generation. At least, more psychologists are beginning to sound the alarm of anxiety disorders becoming common among young people. They suspect it is the texting, the Emojis standing in for actual emotion and personal contact, the increased level of social performance and appearance of perfection required on social media. Comments must be glammed up, pictures must be made beautiful, life events must be exaggerated into either a positive or humorous outcome, or the dull and ordinary must be made cute or interesting, to gather in 'likes'. Real-life feelings/desires and imperfections are hidden under a false social self for profit and advancement both socially and financially.
Maybe this falsification of the external self since a person was a child leads to being empty of a real self to rely on when things go bad. Say goodbye to the authenticity of self! Say hello to increased depression and suicidal thoughts.
Continuing with my own personal observations:
I believe often no room is made for personal life evolutions for celebrities, for example, whether they are big fish in a small pond or large pond, being continuously in the limelight. For instance, the kid video gamer who becomes a millionaire from his YouTube channel; but then finds himself tired of it but he needs to continue with it because of financial pressures and being unable to tolerate the loss of face and 'love' in disappointing his fans. The millionaire kid singer who wants to sing jazz when he grows up instead of pop songs and loses his audience and financial support.
Then the seemingly relentless unceasing judgement in schools or social media today of one's looks, mistakes, life choices because of the technology of cell phone cameras and the Internet. The Internet never forgets anything uploaded online. Mistakes are forever today. Failures are forever today. Evolving out of an interest or talent is unforgivable today. There is no such thing as moving on from being, for example, the best cook, the best programmer, the best gamer, in one's supposedly 'close admirers' circle of social media. If one does move on - omg, the rancor, the rage, the verbal abuse, of admirers!
Just saying.
I have never been a Goodreads star reviewer going by the number of 'likes' I've observed other reviewers gather in. Sometimes I feel pangs about that, especially considering I've been here since 2010 and that I have written hundreds of reviews. My reviews are apparently unpopular and rejected by most! It does give me some 'ouch!' effect on my day sometimes.
However, my goal in reading and writing reviews on Goodreads since I became a member changed from keeping a book diary to satisfying myself in seeing who the authentic me is. I discover who I am in writing. Feelings and ideas which feel inchoate and disturbingly chaotic within me mysteriously become something I can grasp and feel more clearly when I write, sort of observing the Schrodinger's cat trapped in the box within my head. The endorphins flow for me in seeing in print who I am, having sorted myself out by writing! That is a powerful inducement, discovering what my authentic self is by writing - even more than writing to please a crowd and earn 'likes'. But I do not have a career or any financial interest in reviewing. I did not grow up or live most of my life with a social media image I have to maintain for my contacts or any admirers.
The university coach required before- and after-classes workouts every day. In Maddie's high school, she was expected to only work out three days a week after school. The pressure to perform was less shrill in high school, and of course, she was a part of a team of friends with whom she often partied and relaxed, people with whom she could more or less be herself. However, it is clear she was a driven personality, even in high school. She had a relentless drive to be the best.
She played soccer in high school where she excelled. She loved soccer. When she went to University, she went as a track athlete - running, because that is how she could get into an Ivy League University. Choosing to play soccer instead of track meant getting a scholarship to an ordinary college.
But what if she had been number one in the sport of track at college? I thought about this after finishing the book.
I couldn't help noticing there was no discussion of what might come for most athletes after college. Do people expect all college athletes to become coaches or what, after college? There are only so many coaching jobs. Is coaching, maybe being an ordinary coach as well, fulfilling after a being a star athlete, or less than? What other kind of paying job is there for those who can sprint and/or run for a long distance, especially since running very fast has a definite time limit based on the aging body. The majority of athletes who make it to the Olympics disappear from public view after the Olympics, a competition which takes place every four years. All of the other sports competition events must be entered after passing tryouts and raising money for travel, coaches, equipment and living expenses. Those who win first place, necessarily only a few, end up being a spokesman for a sports product for a living for, maybe, a decade. Admittedly, that can be very lucrative, but only for a very very small, minute, almost invisibly small, percentage. Maddie certainly wasn't going to be one who made it to that circle of success. What do ex-star high school or college athletes do with their lives after the blown knee, the third concussion, the failure to ever finish or land in the top three places of every race or game in everyone's estimation after a promising beginning?
This is not the book to answer those questions, unfortunately. But it definitely makes the case the various worlds involving the development and support of athletes should be doing more soul-searching in how they support the person and not just the bodies of athletes.
March 27, 2018
I went into this book expecting one thing and got something totally different. I expected it to be about how Maddy's suicide was this surprise because everyone was so fooled by her social media. Yet, not only was Maddy seeing a counselor, she'd consistently told everyone how miserable she was. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. She even told people how what she felt "wasn't normal" and she just "wanted to be happy again." Apparently, though, no one was listening-- either because she never said "I'm suicidal" or because they thought since she put some LOLs in her texts she must really be okay.
I felt bad for Maddy and how it seemed like there was always pressure to be perfect. I don't know if that pressure was internal or external but I do think it was really present. Which makes me wonder-- wasn't anyone alarmed that someone who had always thrived under pressure was suddenly miserable, afraid, and essentially begging to feel better? I think it's symptomatic of our society that we tell anyone who is unhappy to just "deal with it" and to "suck it up" and that life isn't about being happy. Well, look at this child-- she truly died because she tried to "suck it up" and stay at Penn State one more semester.
I think, too, we as a society are taught to ignore the part of our brain that tells us "I need to get out of this situation" if that situation is something that will bring us later success, i.e. financial reward. I'm sure Maddy could have quit Penn State, sat out a semester, had some therapy and went to a small college and still been alive, but she felt trapped and her social media was just a reflection of what she thought she was supposed to feel. Ultimately, I felt the book should be called, "How Society Failed Maddy."
I also disliked that Fagan put her own story in the book (which just seemed like filler to me) and the chapter where she talks about going to the Coliseum in Rome was just bizarre. You went to see the coliseum and expected it to be awesome but you were let down? Okay, that happens. I had the same reaction to the Lincoln Memorial. You then never told anyone because you thought it might ruin their experience? WHAT? I don't quite understand that, but it's a mindset that seems really...I don't know...maybe the point in that story is that some folks just can't stand to seem in the least bit disagreeable and they will make themselves miserable to do it. Still, it distracted me from the story of Maddy and I think that's a bit of a shame.
She also takes some liberties, trying to tell what Maddy's thoughts were when there's really no way she could know-- reconstructing Maddy's life from her computer is a dangerous game, I think and one that ultimately doesn't give a full picture.
Finally, I have to say-- that poor scared child walked into the coach's office at Penn State and tried to quit the track team-- I just really would like to know if her coach felt any guilt for convincing her not to? I get that he's just doing his job, but when someone is showing that level of misery, how can you not offer some real help in terms of mental support? Personally, I think that's just what college athletics do-- they exploit students. Clearly, basketball and football are the primary culprits but college sports are money makers and those students make no money at all. Apparently at Ivy League schools, they don't even get a scholarship to play. So, again, how shitty does her coach feel about talking her out of quitting? I'd like to know.
Now, I'm not saying her coach could of prevented this. Nor could have anyone else. But placing blame on social media and texts because they cause us to construct a facade is, at best, a straw man for selling this book. Maddy repeatedly told EVERYONE how miserable and "NOT NORMAL" she felt. What more of a sign did people need? A sandwich board that said, "I'm considering suicide"?
Anyway, I'm sorry for the poor girl. As the child of a mentally ill father, I understand the limitations she faced with the general population and with the mental health care system. May she find some peace now.
I felt bad for Maddy and how it seemed like there was always pressure to be perfect. I don't know if that pressure was internal or external but I do think it was really present. Which makes me wonder-- wasn't anyone alarmed that someone who had always thrived under pressure was suddenly miserable, afraid, and essentially begging to feel better? I think it's symptomatic of our society that we tell anyone who is unhappy to just "deal with it" and to "suck it up" and that life isn't about being happy. Well, look at this child-- she truly died because she tried to "suck it up" and stay at Penn State one more semester.
I think, too, we as a society are taught to ignore the part of our brain that tells us "I need to get out of this situation" if that situation is something that will bring us later success, i.e. financial reward. I'm sure Maddy could have quit Penn State, sat out a semester, had some therapy and went to a small college and still been alive, but she felt trapped and her social media was just a reflection of what she thought she was supposed to feel. Ultimately, I felt the book should be called, "How Society Failed Maddy."
I also disliked that Fagan put her own story in the book (which just seemed like filler to me) and the chapter where she talks about going to the Coliseum in Rome was just bizarre. You went to see the coliseum and expected it to be awesome but you were let down? Okay, that happens. I had the same reaction to the Lincoln Memorial. You then never told anyone because you thought it might ruin their experience? WHAT? I don't quite understand that, but it's a mindset that seems really...I don't know...maybe the point in that story is that some folks just can't stand to seem in the least bit disagreeable and they will make themselves miserable to do it. Still, it distracted me from the story of Maddy and I think that's a bit of a shame.
She also takes some liberties, trying to tell what Maddy's thoughts were when there's really no way she could know-- reconstructing Maddy's life from her computer is a dangerous game, I think and one that ultimately doesn't give a full picture.
Finally, I have to say-- that poor scared child walked into the coach's office at Penn State and tried to quit the track team-- I just really would like to know if her coach felt any guilt for convincing her not to? I get that he's just doing his job, but when someone is showing that level of misery, how can you not offer some real help in terms of mental support? Personally, I think that's just what college athletics do-- they exploit students. Clearly, basketball and football are the primary culprits but college sports are money makers and those students make no money at all. Apparently at Ivy League schools, they don't even get a scholarship to play. So, again, how shitty does her coach feel about talking her out of quitting? I'd like to know.
Now, I'm not saying her coach could of prevented this. Nor could have anyone else. But placing blame on social media and texts because they cause us to construct a facade is, at best, a straw man for selling this book. Maddy repeatedly told EVERYONE how miserable and "NOT NORMAL" she felt. What more of a sign did people need? A sandwich board that said, "I'm considering suicide"?
Anyway, I'm sorry for the poor girl. As the child of a mentally ill father, I understand the limitations she faced with the general population and with the mental health care system. May she find some peace now.
October 15, 2017
I first heard about this book on the "Feel Good Effect Podcast" where the author spoke about a bunch of different topics related to the heartbreaking story of the life of Madison Holleran: social media, perfectionism, college athletics, depression & anxiety, suicide, and transitions (among other things). This book totally made me think about all of those pieces in a variety of different ways. It made me think back to my own experience as a Division 1 athlete (swimming) and my transition from home to freshman year of college and how utterly exhausted I was which led me to quit after my freshman year (and how crazy my life was that first year of freedom with athletics, academics, and social stuff). It made me think about my own periods of anxiety and depression throughout my life - and mental health in general - and that very fine line between being okay and not being okay. It also really made me take a closer look at my own experience with social media and ask myself some hard questions about my own personal "whys" in terms of how our stories are told. I really enjoyed Kate Fagan's discussions regarding this topic and am interested in reading more.
I think this is a super important read especially for parents and for student athletes - for awareness and compassion and a very hard look at the expectations we place on ourselves and others.
I think this is a super important read especially for parents and for student athletes - for awareness and compassion and a very hard look at the expectations we place on ourselves and others.
October 25, 2020
I read this for Diversity in All Forms! If you would like to participate in the discussion here is the link: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
I really enjoyed this book, even if it breaks my heart.
I believe every college athlete, coach, parent/guardian of a college athlete, professor, etc.
"From noted ESPN commentator and journalist Kate Fagan, the heartbreaking and vital story of college athlete Madison Holleran, whose death by suicide rocked the University of Pennsylvania campus and whose life reveals with haunting detail and uncommon understanding the struggle of young people suffering from mental illness today.
If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started.
But when Maddy began her long-awaited college career, her parents noticed something changed. Previously indefatigable Maddy became withdrawn, and her thoughts centered on how she could change her life. In spite of thousands of hours of practice and study, she contemplated transferring from the school that had once been her dream. When Maddy's dad, Jim, dropped her off for the first day of spring semester, she held him a second longer than usual. That would be the last time Jim would see his daughter."
I really enjoyed this book, even if it breaks my heart.
I believe every college athlete, coach, parent/guardian of a college athlete, professor, etc.
"From noted ESPN commentator and journalist Kate Fagan, the heartbreaking and vital story of college athlete Madison Holleran, whose death by suicide rocked the University of Pennsylvania campus and whose life reveals with haunting detail and uncommon understanding the struggle of young people suffering from mental illness today.
If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started.
But when Maddy began her long-awaited college career, her parents noticed something changed. Previously indefatigable Maddy became withdrawn, and her thoughts centered on how she could change her life. In spite of thousands of hours of practice and study, she contemplated transferring from the school that had once been her dream. When Maddy's dad, Jim, dropped her off for the first day of spring semester, she held him a second longer than usual. That would be the last time Jim would see his daughter."
August 21, 2017
Reading this was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I listened to it on audible which I highly recommend. The author narrates it herself and did an incredible job.
She tells the story of Maddison Holleran-an athlete since she was a little girl who self proclaimed she would go to college and play sports.
She grew up a soccer star but made the tough decision to go to college for track instead because it was realized she was really fast and big named schools were seeking her out for track, not soccer.
Almost immediately upon starting school Maddy became unhappy. You go from being the IT kid from your small town where you were the best player on your high school team to being on a team with however many other players with the exact same story, they were the IT kids too. She would go visit her family and talk about how she didn't want to return to school. She would vent to her friends how running track was no longer making her happy. Her loved ones thought they had more time.
I like how the author discussed topics like how when Maddy's parents went to college, there was one phone in the hall for students to use, so you may have called home once a week. Now everyone has a phone and to make matters even more crazy, everyone uses social media. And how we all tend to try and paint a perfect picture, seem happy. I like how she discussed how difficult of a transition going to college can be for some kids..and wow the mental health of athletes!
I can feel this being one of my favorite books of 2017. Definitely a testament to always do what is going to make You happy.
She tells the story of Maddison Holleran-an athlete since she was a little girl who self proclaimed she would go to college and play sports.
She grew up a soccer star but made the tough decision to go to college for track instead because it was realized she was really fast and big named schools were seeking her out for track, not soccer.
Almost immediately upon starting school Maddy became unhappy. You go from being the IT kid from your small town where you were the best player on your high school team to being on a team with however many other players with the exact same story, they were the IT kids too. She would go visit her family and talk about how she didn't want to return to school. She would vent to her friends how running track was no longer making her happy. Her loved ones thought they had more time.
I like how the author discussed topics like how when Maddy's parents went to college, there was one phone in the hall for students to use, so you may have called home once a week. Now everyone has a phone and to make matters even more crazy, everyone uses social media. And how we all tend to try and paint a perfect picture, seem happy. I like how she discussed how difficult of a transition going to college can be for some kids..and wow the mental health of athletes!
I can feel this being one of my favorite books of 2017. Definitely a testament to always do what is going to make You happy.
January 7, 2019
I believe this book is important and I am glad I read it. However, I did not care for the author's personal reflection on her experience as a collegiate athlete and her struggles. I wanted to hear more about Maddy personally, and didn't care for the flip-flop perspective. I also felt that there was a lot of repetition. I believe the author could have written this book in half the volume.
I did appreciate the last chapter in regard to how the media portrays suicide, and how this needs to be thoughtfully considered. I have known people who have lost a loved one who committed suicide and I also have had close relationships with at least 2 individuals who attempted suicide. This subject needs to be addressed globally and I appreciated the author's ability to avoid discussing the action in great detail.
Viewing mental health as a culmination of events in a person's life is imperative so we may better help serve those who cannot manage their distress or their options. Once again, I am glad I read this book and would recommend it to others.
I did appreciate the last chapter in regard to how the media portrays suicide, and how this needs to be thoughtfully considered. I have known people who have lost a loved one who committed suicide and I also have had close relationships with at least 2 individuals who attempted suicide. This subject needs to be addressed globally and I appreciated the author's ability to avoid discussing the action in great detail.
Viewing mental health as a culmination of events in a person's life is imperative so we may better help serve those who cannot manage their distress or their options. Once again, I am glad I read this book and would recommend it to others.
October 6, 2021
As someone who is extremely sensitive and aware of mental health/mental illness, I read many many books, fiction and non-fiction, in which this very important issue is addressed. This book is by far the most heartbreaking and terrifying, I've read. At the same time, I've never learned more than I did from Maddy's story. This book is told in such real language - it's relatable and understandable. It tells the full story and addresses the tangential issues to a college student's mental health. Although it's a tough read, it's going on my "favorites" bookshelf.
August 27, 2017
"What Made Maddy Run" was an incredibly fast read and I connected with the author's honesty as well as her insight into Maddy. Maddy was a talented, beautiful, athletic and intelligent nineteen-year-old, posting photographs on Instagram, celebrating academic accomplishments, and blessed with many friends.
However, the surface is just the surface. A lot can hide behind the smiles, and sadly, this seemed to be the case for Maddy. My heart breaks for all she went though that first semester at University of Penn, I hurt for her family and friends, and I am thankful Kate Fagan published this book to share Maddy's story.
Hopefully this raises awareness for college students, parents, anyone involved in athletic programs, etc. I would highly recommend this for anyone to read at least once.
However, the surface is just the surface. A lot can hide behind the smiles, and sadly, this seemed to be the case for Maddy. My heart breaks for all she went though that first semester at University of Penn, I hurt for her family and friends, and I am thankful Kate Fagan published this book to share Maddy's story.
Hopefully this raises awareness for college students, parents, anyone involved in athletic programs, etc. I would highly recommend this for anyone to read at least once.
June 16, 2023
Ugh! I wanted to read a book about Maddy, what made her run, and her tragic death. Instead, I read the author’s story. Let’s see: a chapter about the author’s dream, a chapter detailing the author’s text messages with a friend experiencing depression, a chapter about the author’s college basketball experience, etc.
I feel like the author took the original ESPN article she published added a LOT of filler and published it as a book. Guessing this was cathartic for her as it was very self-reflective. This would be fine if it was titled and presented as this.
Instead, I really wanted to read about Maddy and was left wanting.
I feel like the author took the original ESPN article she published added a LOT of filler and published it as a book. Guessing this was cathartic for her as it was very self-reflective. This would be fine if it was titled and presented as this.
Instead, I really wanted to read about Maddy and was left wanting.
October 13, 2023
This is an important book and worth the read, but I knocked off a star because of the parts where the author inserted herself into the story.
November 13, 2017
It's clear that Fagan takes her role seriously in telling this story. And I imagine it's a balancing act with respect to who will read it. What will parents think? High school overachievers like Maddy? Struggling college students? Writing this book cannot have been an easy task, and I commend Fagan for doing it.
With that said, I think there was too much fat in the book. Almost every chapter repeated a variation of the same theme of "we use social media to project a perfect image of ourselves to the world." I know Maddy's instagram is a big part of her story, but Fagan didn't need to re-explain this concept every 15 pages.
Unlike others, I didn't mind Fagan's personal stories. I thought it was interesting to get the perspective of a non-digital native former college athlete who was also nearly crushed under the pressure of having to perform. I could have done without the panic attack story from later in her life, though. Didn't seem to add much and wasn't relevant to the time period of her life that paralleled Maddy's. The Colosseum story, however, was on point; I hadn't considered how instagram has changed the way we visit places with cultural and historical significance.
I know people expected and hoped that this book would make a shocking revelation about why Maddy did what she did. I don't think it's Fagan's fault that it doesn't. Fagan waded into the weeds of Maddy's mindset to give us as much, if not more, information than we deserve. The fact that the answer isn't clear is why Maddy's story is so heartbreaking.
With that said, I think there was too much fat in the book. Almost every chapter repeated a variation of the same theme of "we use social media to project a perfect image of ourselves to the world." I know Maddy's instagram is a big part of her story, but Fagan didn't need to re-explain this concept every 15 pages.
Unlike others, I didn't mind Fagan's personal stories. I thought it was interesting to get the perspective of a non-digital native former college athlete who was also nearly crushed under the pressure of having to perform. I could have done without the panic attack story from later in her life, though. Didn't seem to add much and wasn't relevant to the time period of her life that paralleled Maddy's. The Colosseum story, however, was on point; I hadn't considered how instagram has changed the way we visit places with cultural and historical significance.
I know people expected and hoped that this book would make a shocking revelation about why Maddy did what she did. I don't think it's Fagan's fault that it doesn't. Fagan waded into the weeds of Maddy's mindset to give us as much, if not more, information than we deserve. The fact that the answer isn't clear is why Maddy's story is so heartbreaking.
August 11, 2017
Heartbreaking but important read for everyone but especially parents. My biggest takeaway was: the pressure facing our kids as they prepare for college and beyond is far greater than it was for us 25 years ago. My second takeaway is that it's OK to not be OK, and it's OK to admit that you're not OK.
June 17, 2021
⚠️ [TW: suicide, blood, death, death of a loved one, eating disorders, pain, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, guilt, mental illness] ⚠️
The fact that I didn't know what happened to Maddie is really surprising and it shocks me & scares me to know that they are so many others like her with similar and different stories whose voices are not heard.
Plot
What made Maddy run is a magnificent story about 18-year-old Madison Holleran who has had a perfect life; she was a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who is also beautiful, popular, and furiously intelligent. Madison has succeeded in everything in her life but college has been a problem for her. She is used to being what her family calls "the best" and when she's recruited in a college with all "the best" people she finds that it's not easy to be herself anymore / happy. Madison has been struggling for a while and takes her life. But it is much more than that there is much more than just this All-American team who has been struggling. What a lot of people don't know about suicide is that there is often more than one reason. And in this glorious book, Madison's reasons are discussed.
Discussions
A lot of things are discussed in this book some of the things that were discussed are how people (like some parents) think that this generation is soft or weak somehow just because they are hurting and the suicide rates and everything is going up. The author (Kate) discusses that just because most of this generation has everything like enough food or shelter and clothes that doesn't mean that everything is good, well, and perfect. I loved how this book separated the physical life from the mental life and showed that just because you have everything in the breach of your palms doesn't mean that everything is going well. So there is a difference between physical and mental health, it isn't what most people want to talk about these days but it is something that is very important and it's FINALLY getting the light it deserves but still not enough.
Madison
Madison was represented perfectly, she was described perfectly everything like her feelings and thoughts were all thought out so well by Kate. It's just so honest and brutally truthful to know how much Madison struggled on the inside but was doing so well on the outside. I loved learning and seeing how Madison was growing on the outside but shrinking on the inside. Also seeing the pressure she had to be perfect and everything was just so realistic about what most people go through today and are so quiet about it. This book is soo perfect and showed how NO ONE can BE perfect. And of course, most of us already know that, but it is different to know something and see it for yourself PERFECTLY.
Overall
Overall this was a touching book that definitely made me cry and ball my eyes out. I definitely recommend this book to everyone and anyone to whom this subject is not too sensitive.
Quotes
- DrHibiscus
Page: 112-113
- Peter Gray
Page: 121
- Kathryn
Page: 122
The fact that I didn't know what happened to Maddie is really surprising and it shocks me & scares me to know that they are so many others like her with similar and different stories whose voices are not heard.
Plot
What made Maddy run is a magnificent story about 18-year-old Madison Holleran who has had a perfect life; she was a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who is also beautiful, popular, and furiously intelligent. Madison has succeeded in everything in her life but college has been a problem for her. She is used to being what her family calls "the best" and when she's recruited in a college with all "the best" people she finds that it's not easy to be herself anymore / happy. Madison has been struggling for a while and takes her life. But it is much more than that there is much more than just this All-American team who has been struggling. What a lot of people don't know about suicide is that there is often more than one reason. And in this glorious book, Madison's reasons are discussed.
Discussions
A lot of things are discussed in this book some of the things that were discussed are how people (like some parents) think that this generation is soft or weak somehow just because they are hurting and the suicide rates and everything is going up. The author (Kate) discusses that just because most of this generation has everything like enough food or shelter and clothes that doesn't mean that everything is good, well, and perfect. I loved how this book separated the physical life from the mental life and showed that just because you have everything in the breach of your palms doesn't mean that everything is going well. So there is a difference between physical and mental health, it isn't what most people want to talk about these days but it is something that is very important and it's FINALLY getting the light it deserves but still not enough.
Madison
Madison was represented perfectly, she was described perfectly everything like her feelings and thoughts were all thought out so well by Kate. It's just so honest and brutally truthful to know how much Madison struggled on the inside but was doing so well on the outside. I loved learning and seeing how Madison was growing on the outside but shrinking on the inside. Also seeing the pressure she had to be perfect and everything was just so realistic about what most people go through today and are so quiet about it. This book is soo perfect and showed how NO ONE can BE perfect. And of course, most of us already know that, but it is different to know something and see it for yourself PERFECTLY.
Overall
Overall this was a touching book that definitely made me cry and ball my eyes out. I definitely recommend this book to everyone and anyone to whom this subject is not too sensitive.
Quotes
"I am sick and tired of hearing the facile, tired response that my generation is too "soft" and has been ill-equipped by cold coddling "helicopter parents." My parents and those of my peers do not fit the strawman caricature and my peers are extremely hard-working, intelligent, and ambitious. What I learned about myself and about my peers was that our main source of stress was that we are simply not allowed to be human... My generation is not suffering because we didn't learn how to lose a game of flag football. We are suffering because everything we do is filtered through the lens of consumerism. We see ourselves as products to be "branded" and "marketed" in all venues of our lives: social, romantic, and professional. This has been a mindset inculcated into us from an early age."
- DrHibiscus
Page: 112-113
"We're teaching young people what to think not how to think."
- Peter Gray
Page: 121
"Who can find a soulmate when her own soul is still such a work in progress?"
- Kathryn
Page: 122
May 12, 2021
I avoided this book for a long time. I guess curiosity finally got the best of me. Which is maybe exactly what always made this book feel so ‘ick’ to me in the first place? Kate Fagan talks about how she doesn’t want this book to satisfy sick/morbid curiosities and then proceeds to fleece a deceased teenager’s computer/text messages and write a book based on those excerpts. My biggest question is why there is a first AND last name for everyone mentioned in the book?? It feels like this really bizarre Who’s Who of tragedy.
If anything, this book served as a reminder to me as a college coach (and would be helpful to other coaches/parents/teachers) that young people who are struggling may not yet know how to articulate their feelings/have been conditioned to put them aside.
I wouldn’t recommend this book to college-aged student athletes who may be struggling. No part of this book felt particularly revelatory on the topic of mental health as a college athlete. It felt more like a voyeuristic peak into Maddy’s personal life than anything else.
If anything, this book served as a reminder to me as a college coach (and would be helpful to other coaches/parents/teachers) that young people who are struggling may not yet know how to articulate their feelings/have been conditioned to put them aside.
I wouldn’t recommend this book to college-aged student athletes who may be struggling. No part of this book felt particularly revelatory on the topic of mental health as a college athlete. It felt more like a voyeuristic peak into Maddy’s personal life than anything else.
January 30, 2019
This is a very important read for all parents and educators! We need to talk about mental health and support each other. ❤️
June 27, 2025
Kate Fagan is an American sports reporter and former collegiate and professional basketball player. Her 2017 book What Made Maddy Run is about the brief life and sudden suicide of a college athlete named Madison Holleran (1994-2014), whose death attracted a lot of media coverage. Fagan's book is based off of an ESPN piece she produced and extensive interviews and access to Holleran's family, friends, and even Holleran's Macbook and iMessage history.
Fagan spends most of the book tracing Holleran's high school years and first semester of college. Holleran grew up financially comfortable and had supportive parents who enabled her to compete competitively in soccer and track, to the point where she was being recruited to colleges for both sports. Though she enjoyed soccer more, she opted for track as a more prestigious, Ivy League school (Penn) offered her admission for that (but apparently not a scholarship). Though Holleran projected a happy image (particularly on social media), the college transition was very difficult for her, and by the end of her first semester, she confided into family and friends that she alternately wanted to quit track, switch back to soccer, switch colleges entirely, or some combination of those things. Unfortunately, rather than follow through on any of these plans, Holleran chose to end her life a week into her second semester of college.
Fagan's relationship to Holleran in this book comes across as parasocial, for lack of a better descriptor. Fagan was also a college athlete who struggled with continuing in her sport at times, and I think she projected many of her struggles and doubts onto what she imagined Holleran was also feeling (though the two never knew each other). Fagan (b. 1981) is also of a different generation than Holleran was, without the pressure of social media during the vulnerable teen years, which she points out. Still, I do think many of the pressures Fagan highlighted that high-achieving teen athletes (and teens in general) face are legitimate and are only amplifying in today's climate. Fagan talks about "Penn face," the notion that Penn undergrads project an image of easy competence on the surface but underneath are paddling frantically in a pressure cooker to keep up -- this is similar to my own college experience at an academically rigorous school where years ago I came across a Facebook page devoted to anonymous, PostSecret-like confessionals of students who were afraid to publicly admit how much they were struggling. I remember being 19 and feeling like minor problems were extremely high stakes, because I didn't have the life experience to properly contextualize them and put them into perspective. I wouldn't want to be 19 again.
Further reading:
The True Happiness Company: How a Girl Like Me Falls for a Cult Like That by Veena Dinavahi - a similar story of how a high-achieving college student struggling with her mental health ended badly (though thankfully not permanently)
School Of Dreams: Making the Grade at a Top American High School by Edward Humes and The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids by Alexandra Robbins
- both are a bit dated now, but talks about academic pressure for Millenial high schoolers
And Then We Grew Up: On Creativity, Potential, and the Imperfect Art of Adulthood by Rachel Friedman
My statistics:
Book 193 for 2025
Book 2119 cumulatively
Fagan spends most of the book tracing Holleran's high school years and first semester of college. Holleran grew up financially comfortable and had supportive parents who enabled her to compete competitively in soccer and track, to the point where she was being recruited to colleges for both sports. Though she enjoyed soccer more, she opted for track as a more prestigious, Ivy League school (Penn) offered her admission for that (but apparently not a scholarship). Though Holleran projected a happy image (particularly on social media), the college transition was very difficult for her, and by the end of her first semester, she confided into family and friends that she alternately wanted to quit track, switch back to soccer, switch colleges entirely, or some combination of those things. Unfortunately, rather than follow through on any of these plans, Holleran chose to end her life a week into her second semester of college.
Fagan's relationship to Holleran in this book comes across as parasocial, for lack of a better descriptor. Fagan was also a college athlete who struggled with continuing in her sport at times, and I think she projected many of her struggles and doubts onto what she imagined Holleran was also feeling (though the two never knew each other). Fagan (b. 1981) is also of a different generation than Holleran was, without the pressure of social media during the vulnerable teen years, which she points out. Still, I do think many of the pressures Fagan highlighted that high-achieving teen athletes (and teens in general) face are legitimate and are only amplifying in today's climate. Fagan talks about "Penn face," the notion that Penn undergrads project an image of easy competence on the surface but underneath are paddling frantically in a pressure cooker to keep up -- this is similar to my own college experience at an academically rigorous school where years ago I came across a Facebook page devoted to anonymous, PostSecret-like confessionals of students who were afraid to publicly admit how much they were struggling. I remember being 19 and feeling like minor problems were extremely high stakes, because I didn't have the life experience to properly contextualize them and put them into perspective. I wouldn't want to be 19 again.
Further reading:
The True Happiness Company: How a Girl Like Me Falls for a Cult Like That by Veena Dinavahi - a similar story of how a high-achieving college student struggling with her mental health ended badly (though thankfully not permanently)
School Of Dreams: Making the Grade at a Top American High School by Edward Humes and The Overachievers: The Secret Lives of Driven Kids by Alexandra Robbins
- both are a bit dated now, but talks about academic pressure for Millenial high schoolers
And Then We Grew Up: On Creativity, Potential, and the Imperfect Art of Adulthood by Rachel Friedman
My statistics:
Book 193 for 2025
Book 2119 cumulatively
July 27, 2019
The average rating has nothing to do with Maddy's story or the book's discussion about suicide. In fact, I thought it was very important/helpful that I read this book at this point in my life as I'm about to head to college. However, I did have some problems with the book's format.
First, while I do not want to minimize Fagan's personal struggles, I failed to understand the purpose behind adding her experience with basketball to the book. Secondly, after a while a lot of the information became repetitive and failed to drive home a point. Third, I felt as though Maddy's story was somewhat dramatized in an unnecessary way.
I don't know - maybe I incorrectly assumed this book was going to be different than it actually was? Maybe I missed the point of the book completely? But something about the entire 300 pages rubbed me the wrong way.
First, while I do not want to minimize Fagan's personal struggles, I failed to understand the purpose behind adding her experience with basketball to the book. Secondly, after a while a lot of the information became repetitive and failed to drive home a point. Third, I felt as though Maddy's story was somewhat dramatized in an unnecessary way.
I don't know - maybe I incorrectly assumed this book was going to be different than it actually was? Maybe I missed the point of the book completely? But something about the entire 300 pages rubbed me the wrong way.
August 30, 2018
It is really difficult to put into words everything that I had felt while reading this book. I knew nothing about Maddy or her struggles going into this book so I felt that I was reading this whole situation with new, fresh eyes. The way Fagan discusses social media, sports, and college in regards to the pressure that they cause us all is so fascinating and interesting. I learned things about anxiety and depression that I would have never even considered before picking up this book. I think that while this is a tragic story it has brought to light some interesting things about our society as a whole.
Longer review coming soon
Longer review coming soon
August 5, 2017
I finished it in one sitting as it is a fast read, but I'm not really sure that it provided much more insight into Madison's death than I had before I read the book. Depression is an awful illness that is so personal and hidden, and it seemed to come on so fast that she was never really able to share with those closest to her what she was feeling. Such a tragedy.
August 28, 2017
As often happens when articles are turned into books, What Made Maddy Run is s t r e t c h e d into 320 pages with the author's ruminations about her own life (which for some reason she presumes is applicable to Maddy's) and through the use of--yes--very large typeface.
August 29, 2020
a lot to think about as I raise my girls. I feel lucky that my introduction to the internet was pre-smart phone and pre-filters; it was so much easier to figure out who I was (and it was still hard obviously). important read.
February 22, 2018
This book is a very quick read and so haunting and tragic. Horrifying for this girl’s family who will live the remainder of their lives with such grief and guilt. I read the ESPN article on this story about 6 months ago. That article (Split Image) is very good and haunted me for weeks. I think either the article or the book would be good for parents to read – especially parents with children about to enter college. To be honest, I do not think the book really added all that much to the article and found the author’s attempt to stretch it into a book to be a bit gratuitous. My high rating is probably more about the journalism of the article rather than the book, but I admit I could not put the book down until I was done because I wanted more answers (that I didn’t get). For instance, an important part I think was missing from the story was whether or not Maddy was put on any medication – which she clearly needed. There was no mention at all of medication so that leads me to believe she was not on anything, but it had to have at least been discussed with the counselor she was seeing. While Maddy’s parents gave the author permission to include text messages and letters to friends and I admittedly ate them up (as was quoted in the book – “we’re a country full of rubberneckers”), I felt a little guilty knowing that Maddy did not have a choice and wondered how she would have felt about that. I did not like how the author interjected her own story into the book. I only wanted to hear Maddy’s story and the parts about the author were a distraction. If I wanted to read the author’s memoir (which she has written), I would have.
There are some good observations about social media in the book, but nothing we don’t already know. Social media – specifically Instagram and FaceBrag – only paints a picture of how we want people to see us (our best selves) and this creates a culture of compare and despair. It is the devil and I want nothing to do with it but I know my kids know nothing else and it is scary. I did find the study interesting on texting and that, in terms of emotional support, “messaging appears comparable to not speaking with anyone at all”. I also liked the analogy of giving off the image of everything being perfect and calm and ok to that of a duck who appears peaceful above the surface, but below the surface they are scrambling for their lives.
I am angry about our society today and how it seems it is only good enough if kids are at the top of their class, super elite athletes and striving for the best colleges – “the pressure to be great, not just good, is unrelenting”. Even for kids at young ages today, sports (and even other activities) have non-stop practices and it is not good enough to just do the sport during the season the sport is played. It is an all year commitment with special teams and special coaches. It makes me sick and I have never subscribed to that with my kids and often feel like an outsider, but certainly felt better about it after reading this book to have average kids that are not over-scheduled or super competitive. Of course, mental illness and depression can strike anyone in any situation, but this culture of perfection is not helping especially if the kids cannot handle any form of failure, not being #1 all the time and having to face that they may not be “special and unique”. One of the texts back and forth when Maddy was talking about quitting track with one of her friends really struck me. Her friend said if she quits she will be a “NARP – a non-athletic regular person”. And she agreed this would be terrible. Why?? I enjoy sports like the next person but I will never understand why athletics is so highly rewarded by society. Playing sports does not make you superior. This mindset is bad both for kids who play sports and those that do not. At the end of the day, what does it matter?!!? I do wonder if Maddy was just able to completely quit track like she desperately wanted to do at the meeting that was just 5 days before her death, if that would have at least put her on the path to get her mind in better health. Unfortunately, that answer will never be known. This girl could not have had a more promising life ahead of her and now she is gone. So, so sad.
There are some good observations about social media in the book, but nothing we don’t already know. Social media – specifically Instagram and FaceBrag – only paints a picture of how we want people to see us (our best selves) and this creates a culture of compare and despair. It is the devil and I want nothing to do with it but I know my kids know nothing else and it is scary. I did find the study interesting on texting and that, in terms of emotional support, “messaging appears comparable to not speaking with anyone at all”. I also liked the analogy of giving off the image of everything being perfect and calm and ok to that of a duck who appears peaceful above the surface, but below the surface they are scrambling for their lives.
I am angry about our society today and how it seems it is only good enough if kids are at the top of their class, super elite athletes and striving for the best colleges – “the pressure to be great, not just good, is unrelenting”. Even for kids at young ages today, sports (and even other activities) have non-stop practices and it is not good enough to just do the sport during the season the sport is played. It is an all year commitment with special teams and special coaches. It makes me sick and I have never subscribed to that with my kids and often feel like an outsider, but certainly felt better about it after reading this book to have average kids that are not over-scheduled or super competitive. Of course, mental illness and depression can strike anyone in any situation, but this culture of perfection is not helping especially if the kids cannot handle any form of failure, not being #1 all the time and having to face that they may not be “special and unique”. One of the texts back and forth when Maddy was talking about quitting track with one of her friends really struck me. Her friend said if she quits she will be a “NARP – a non-athletic regular person”. And she agreed this would be terrible. Why?? I enjoy sports like the next person but I will never understand why athletics is so highly rewarded by society. Playing sports does not make you superior. This mindset is bad both for kids who play sports and those that do not. At the end of the day, what does it matter?!!? I do wonder if Maddy was just able to completely quit track like she desperately wanted to do at the meeting that was just 5 days before her death, if that would have at least put her on the path to get her mind in better health. Unfortunately, that answer will never be known. This girl could not have had a more promising life ahead of her and now she is gone. So, so sad.
August 9, 2017
Why?
I think this is the question that everyone tries to answer in the aftermath of a suicide. Why did someone like Chris Cornell or Chester Bennington die by suicide? Why did 19 year old Ivy League student athlete Madison Holleran?
Fagan spends a lot of time discussing social media, such as when she juxtaposes the "Everything is Awesome" appearance of Holleran's Instagram account with Holleran's internal struggles. After I finished the book I looked at Holleran's instagram. It's a very haunting experience seeing all the smiles and knowing what happened. It really reminds me of a line in David Mitchell's Slade House:
“People are masks, with masks under those masks, and masks under those, and down you go.”
I guess my major concern is Fagan positing that this is somehow a new phenomenon, that social media and other factors that adolescents face today are responsible for the recent uptick in teen suicide rate. The argument sounds reasonable, but I'm not completely convinced. Many of Fagan's lamentations are the same jeremiads every generation issues about the subsequent generation. For example, Fagan writes:
As scholar William Deresiewicz has written, we have created a generation of world-class hoop jumpers, of "excellent sheep," of young people who know what they're supposed to be say, but not necessarily why they're saying it. We're teaching young people what to think, but not how to think.
Here's Margaret Mead writing about Western adolescents in Coming of Age in Samoa in 1928:
"The children must be taught how to think, not what to think"
In fact, you can pretty much find this exact same sentiment at any point in written history. The previous generation always thinks the subsequent generation is a bunch of dunderheads. But I think history has borne out that the kids are going to be all right. Similarly, the idea of putting on a front and hiding your true struggles isn't some new phenonmena that arose due to social media. Here's Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson published in 1897:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him;
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich - yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head
I guess the question is, "Has social media fundamentally changed the struggles that adolescents have always faced transitioning to adulthood?" I don't know the answer, but I don't think a book entitled Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life is the most scholarly and trustworthy source on the matter.
Let me make it clear that this book is worth your time. Fagan is an excellent writer. In her first book, The Reappearing Act: Coming Out on a College Basketball Team Led By Born-Again Christians Fagan in a very real and very personal way, details her struggles with realizing she is lesbian while being surrounded by people who think homosexuality is a sin. She approaches Madison Holleran in the same real and personal way, investigating her instant messages, texts, family, and friends, to build a picture of Holleran's struggles, as well as providing much needed advocacy for providing more mental health support. I'm just not 100% convinced that these struggles are new to the current generation.
I think this is the question that everyone tries to answer in the aftermath of a suicide. Why did someone like Chris Cornell or Chester Bennington die by suicide? Why did 19 year old Ivy League student athlete Madison Holleran?
Fagan spends a lot of time discussing social media, such as when she juxtaposes the "Everything is Awesome" appearance of Holleran's Instagram account with Holleran's internal struggles. After I finished the book I looked at Holleran's instagram. It's a very haunting experience seeing all the smiles and knowing what happened. It really reminds me of a line in David Mitchell's Slade House:
“People are masks, with masks under those masks, and masks under those, and down you go.”
I guess my major concern is Fagan positing that this is somehow a new phenomenon, that social media and other factors that adolescents face today are responsible for the recent uptick in teen suicide rate. The argument sounds reasonable, but I'm not completely convinced. Many of Fagan's lamentations are the same jeremiads every generation issues about the subsequent generation. For example, Fagan writes:
As scholar William Deresiewicz has written, we have created a generation of world-class hoop jumpers, of "excellent sheep," of young people who know what they're supposed to be say, but not necessarily why they're saying it. We're teaching young people what to think, but not how to think.
Here's Margaret Mead writing about Western adolescents in Coming of Age in Samoa in 1928:
"The children must be taught how to think, not what to think"
In fact, you can pretty much find this exact same sentiment at any point in written history. The previous generation always thinks the subsequent generation is a bunch of dunderheads. But I think history has borne out that the kids are going to be all right. Similarly, the idea of putting on a front and hiding your true struggles isn't some new phenonmena that arose due to social media. Here's Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson published in 1897:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him;
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich - yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head
I guess the question is, "Has social media fundamentally changed the struggles that adolescents have always faced transitioning to adulthood?" I don't know the answer, but I don't think a book entitled Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life is the most scholarly and trustworthy source on the matter.
Let me make it clear that this book is worth your time. Fagan is an excellent writer. In her first book, The Reappearing Act: Coming Out on a College Basketball Team Led By Born-Again Christians Fagan in a very real and very personal way, details her struggles with realizing she is lesbian while being surrounded by people who think homosexuality is a sin. She approaches Madison Holleran in the same real and personal way, investigating her instant messages, texts, family, and friends, to build a picture of Holleran's struggles, as well as providing much needed advocacy for providing more mental health support. I'm just not 100% convinced that these struggles are new to the current generation.
July 10, 2021
Pretty conflicted about this book. It’s an incredibly important story to tell and help break down barriers to speaking about the intersection of mental health, college athletics, and our own expectations. Kate Fagan does a great job at trying to look at pressures Maddy felt from all angles, but I was disappointed in how shallow a lot of the angles felt. I appreciated that she did not force blame on our generation for the distinctive ways that social media and our cultural expectations pressure and weigh us down, but I couldn’t help but feel that this maybe was not her story to tell and kept wishing that it was written from a perspective of someone who had experienced and understood all the struggles talked about in the book. Social media has incredibly harmful and destructive effects, but I feel demonizing it alone instead of other societal factors is a dangerous path.
I think this is a story best narrated for those who have never experienced mental health issues in conjunction with athletics.
I think this is a story best narrated for those who have never experienced mental health issues in conjunction with athletics.
August 19, 2021
An undeniably sad story about a Ivy League athlete’s suicide. I think there is a lot to learn from Maddy but this book offers very little. Mostly, Fagan rambles about the dangers of social media (duh) without offering any sort of facts / statistics. And she really does ramble — to the point of neglecting both Maddy’s story and the discussion of suicide and mental health. There is next to no discussion of depression. Not once are the scientific causes even discussed. Instead, Fagan offers seemingly irrelevant texts from Maddy’s past (she literally includes an essay Maddy wrote about loving peanut butter???) and a narrative of Maddy’s life that is conjecture at best. There are constant references Maddy's frame of mind even though Fagan has no way of knowing what it was, and the linear account of the months leading up to the suicide are spotty.
I think I’d just read the article this book expands on. Not worth the extra tidbits.
I think I’d just read the article this book expands on. Not worth the extra tidbits.
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