I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes

by Jeramy Clark

In recent years, "dating" has become a dirty word in many Christian circles. So dirty, in fact, that young believers are now encouraged simply not to date. This position has provoked an open debate among teens, their parents and youth workers, and single adults. For a great number of them, many questions remain unanswered.

"Lord, what do I do with this desire to date?"

"Can dating be an option for young adults who love the Lord and long to please Him?"

Is not dating really the only acceptable option in God's eyes? The answer, assures author and youth pastor Jeramy Clark, is a resounding "No!"

The time has come for a sound, biblical, and practical approach that balances out the extreme perspectives: dating without responsibility versus a complete withdrawal from the dating process. Learn how you can confidently pursue healthy dating relationships that are characterized by holiness and integrity--and ultimately bring glory and honor to God--in I Gave Dating a Chance.

Genres: Relationships, Christian, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Religion

183 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Havebooks Willread · Rating 3 out of 5]

I finished this last year but just haven't had a chance to sit down and articulate my thoughts on it. I liked it, for the most part. I thought it was a pretty balanced guideline for dating christians.

I have to admit to some wry grins as I read, because he was obviously writing to refute Joshua Harris's "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and while hinting that he found Harris's book a legalistic set of rules ("perfect formula")j about how to find a spouse, he himself had his own lists of rules. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to someone compiling a list of guidelines for. . .for example, accountability (1. find someone of the same sex you can trust, 2. be consistent in meeting together, 3. establish guidelines for the times to discuss a list of questions instead of just hanging out, 4. be willing to listen to what the partner advises, 5. be willing to say the tough thing, 6. speak the truth in love, 6. be specific in setting goals such as avoiding improper speech or avoiding inappropriate alone time, 7. pray for one another). . .but I grimace when this author's lists are "okay" and the other author's lists are legalistic.

I also hesitated and penciled question marks in the margins when the author said things like "God wants to see you contented and filled" and applied Psalm 37:4 to God wanting to fill a person's desire to date someone, and even some implication that it honors God when we have romantic feelings toward someone because it shows Him that we appreciate His creation. Yes, God wants us to be contented IN HIM and filled WITH HIM. Don't start young people on that road paved with "God wants me to be happy." And I surely don't have to spell out the potential slippery slope when we start with a foundation of appreciating God's creation as justification for having interest in a member of the opposite sex.

I'm also torn at his encouragement of "casual dating." He encourages dating people in a lighthearted way when you are in a season of not being ready for marriage, just to learn how to interact in a relationship and to get to know members of the opposite sex. While that might sound good in theory, it's hard for me to believe it can actually work in practice. Rarely, in my experience and observation, do both people truly have a "lighthearted" approach. They might both agree to that idea, but one is usually hoping that with time and exposure the other will start to share the romantic feelings he or she already has, or they might start out that way, but then one tends to develop feelings for the other. It sounds good in theory, but seems fraught with opportunity for hurt and compromise to me.

Now that I have the negative aspects out of the way, there were many, many positive points. I really appreciated his thoughts on the selfishness and attention-seeking driven desires of flirting, his focus on being God-honoring in our conduct, his warnings against pride and especially viewing dating as an interview to see if the other person is "good enough for me", and the importance of thinking independently "without the tyranny of needing to compare ourselves with others" (someone's gotta give me an AMEN! and that one!). I like his guidelines while "on a date" such as focusing on conversation more than activity and his discussions of purity, what it is, and how to maintain it. I especially liked his advice about having help and involvement from parents and friends instead of sneaking around.

I'm glad I read it as there are many good points. As usual, however, I have some of my own thoughts that don't line up with his, so I take what seems good and leave other points behind.

[Sophie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely informative book. It gave me some helpful pointers on how to interact in guy/girl relationships, and some different thoughts on dating that I hadn't thought about before (even though i didn't agree with some).

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was seemingly written as a rebuttal to "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. The difference between the two is easy to spot: Harris was 19 when he decided to give up dating, and Clark is 26. Obviously, from a Christian perspective, a 26-year-old man has a much better chance of supporting a family than a 19-year-old man does. Both men are pastors at their respective churches and their advice is scriptural. Clark uses his own real-life experience of dating and then marrying his wife, Jerusha, as well as sound biblical counsel and examples.

[Bookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mostly agree!

Disagree: page 23: “Flirting is not honest communication; it's manipulation. Don't follow Destiny's bad advice and try to charm a person into liking you. You end up playing mind games. That kind of relationship is doomed to end quickly because it's not based on truth.”
I?? Don’t think flirting is inherently manipulative.
Repeatedly, he says throughout the book that Flirting is Evil…….

…..yet also
Disagree: page 65: He encourages “casual dating” going nowhere before you’re ready for “Serious Dating” leading to marriage.

How are you going to say Flirting is Evil but Dating Around isn’t?

Disagree: page 125: in a girl’s-only section he reiterates: “To flirt means to act amorously or court playfully without serious intentions. When you flirt, you string along and toy.
So what's wrong with that?
Playful flirtation is deceptive (and therefore wrong) because it pretends that feelings exist when they don't. Flirting also manipulates someone into liking a false "you."”
Flirting is evil because women string along.
Casual dating with no intent to marry = good for young men.
That makes zero sense

Disagree: page 129: His church has stairs which show under ladies’ dresses. Somehow this is the ladies’ fault!?!?
“Some people might say that the young men of our group could have treated those girls modestly by TURNING AWAY. These same people would claim that modesty is something you "give" a person. I DISAGREE WITH THIS OPINION. Modesty is not something others give you; it's something you are.”
He’s literally advocating for young men to NOT turn away.
JESUS COMMANDED MEN TO PLUCK OUT THEIR EYEBALLS IF THEIR EYES CAUSE THEM TO SIN, and you can’t even tell men to LOOK AWAY!?!
Coward.

Disagree: Page 133: he claims “Just the sight of your undergarments (a bra strap) can cause a guy to stumble.”
Stupid
He says to get in front of the mirror and bend and twist every which way so you can make sure men aren’t LOOKING THROUGH YOUR BUTTON HOLES to lust over your bra.
It’s psychological torture trying to make sure you never show a bra strap.
Same page, you have to “sit modestly.” What does that even mean?!?

He NEVER ONCE tells young men to look away.

Disagree: page 134: “Question: How serious should I be about each dating relationship? Very serious. You need to act with wisdom and responsibili in each relationship you start with a young woman… But let me clarity my first answer. If your question centers on whether every dating relationship should head toward serious com-mitment, the answer is no. I've emphasized in this book a more lighthearted approach to dating. I genuinely believe you can have fun, God-honoring dates without the question mark of a serious relationship hovering in the background.”

How are you going to be “serious” while Dating (and presumably sleeping) around.

Disagree: page 145: “From personal experience, I can tell you that nothing means more to a husband than knowing his wife upheld her physical boundaries. That’s a woman he can respect, cherish, and trust.”
Two problems.
1. He slept around before getting with his pure wife. How DARE he brag his wife is virgin when he tells us all about his previous… exploits… in this very book.
2. He NEVER tells men to remain pure for their wives.

In conclusion!
Flirting is evil but Dating Around with no intent to marry is good.
Women need to go to insane lengths to make sure they are ABSOLUTELY covered and ABSOLUTELY pure — but
(here are my biggest issues)
1. He never once tells young men to look away
2. He never once tells young men to stay pure for marriage — ONLY young women.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good tips sprinkled in the book. The author shares lessons from his mistakes and tries to bring more balance to Joshua Harris’ “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”movement in the 1990s with its implication of no one-on-one dating until you’re ready, willing, and able to marry-type of courtship thinking that is difficult for teenagers and young adults still preparing for their careers. I like the #1 rule to please God in all circumstances and he tries to detail what that looks like in different situations.

[Acacia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written to assume that individuals have an array of suitors and learning to biblically make wise decisions in regard to dating and finding/choosing a spouse. I loved the Biblical content, he pointed back to how we should regard dating through God's plan for our life. I was a little annoyed by the assumption that we all are meant to date and have many opportunities for it in your life. It lacked a viewpoint of trusting God with this area of your life.

[Janell Martin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Clearly a rebuttal book to I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Rather than focusing on his experience (married one year and dated) the author focused on proving that there's nothing wrong with dating. While that may be true, the author didn't have enough experience to write so definitively, unless he wrote (as the author of the book he was rebutting did) as a personal growth journey that the Lord had him on. It didn't appear that was happening. It came across more like, "this is what I did and there was nothing wrong with it!"

The book has some value when read side-by-side with I Kissed Dating Goodbye to contrast and compare while nailing down a plan of action for a young person and their parents for dating. Add in Best Friends for Life by Michael and Judy Phillips as well.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was written in response to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which I was totally crazy about either, but this book's approach is that dating relationships are fine as long as you don't fully invest yourself in them or get too attached. But I say, that's what dating is--opening yourself up to someone and getting to know them on a different, deeper level. If you've decided you're grounded in yourself and ready to date, why do it as a side hobby until you find the right person to settle down with. Why not take it seriously!

[Jessica Thornton · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book gave good advice for dating Christians, both males and females. It was obviously geared to younger readers, suggesting that the reader is still in high school. Are there ANY books for single Christians who are in their twenties and are career oriented? It's like if you are a Christian, you are either in the youth group or married and those are your only options. Anyways, the book was pretty good. I would definitely recommend it to teens.

[Dominic · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was the other half of the reading list from that ridiculous stage in my life. This is basically the other half to "I kissed dating goodbye" both of which were ridiculous. I'm not bashing on Christianity, I love my God. But this is just useless, a waste of money, and a scam in part of the whole Christian industry.

[Andrew Reid · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read it when I was sixteen and then got together with the only girlfriend I've ever had. The book taught me a lot about how to have a healthy relationship even when I was young and chomping at the bit to hook up. To be honest I don't remember too much of it, but I don't have any regrets today on my year and a half relationship, which is saying a lot.

[Jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really loved this book. It had many bottom lines, which I enjoy, and gave practical wisdom with Bible verses to back them up. He has a sense of humor which I enjoyed and an easy to read writing style. There were several things which were repeats but there was also a lot of stuff that was new or put in a more clear way.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

As far as Christian dating books go, this one was not bad. He was writing to a very wide age range, so there were parts that were obviously not applicable, but there were some things I really liked- for instance, everyone always tells you TO guard your heart, but he actually gave some practical suggestions for HOW to guard your heart.

[Mscross · Rating 3 out of 5]

Concentrates on a Christian's perspective of dating. How to date without compromising your belief in God and your practice as a Christian. It's inspirational, but does not give advice or tips.

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good book. Great resource. Would recommend for young people.