Living Two Lives: Married to a Man And in Love With a Woman

by Joanne Fleisher

From 1967 to 1979 Joanne Fleisher led a happy life in the suburbs, a mother of two and the wife of a successful lawyer. Then she fell in love with a female friend and everything changed. Her experiences, as well as those of the women who write to her advice column Ask Joanne ( www.lavendervisions.com ), inspired her to write Living Two Lives , a guide for women grappling with the difficult process of coming out while being married to a man. Now a licensed clinical social worker, Fleisher has conducted married women’s support groups, weekend conferences, individual therapy sessions, and national and international phone consultations for women in this situation. She now brings her wealth of insight to this guide to help married women navigate the stages of coming initial feelings of same-sex attraction, telling husbands and children, managing a roller coaster of emotions (grief at the end of a marriage, confusion and anger at the loss of heterosexual privilege, guilt, anxiety, depression), developing a support system, executing the awkward phases of dating, and, finally, moving into a new chapter of life. In addition, Living Two Lives provides resources on organizations for married women, suggested reading, and helpful websites. Married women are a huge but invisible part of the lesbian population, often falling between the cracks of available resources. This book is a welcome tool to guide them out of isolation and into rich, rewarding lives. Joanne Fleisher is a lifelong resident of Philadelphia. She is a graduate of Simmons College and of the Bryn Mawr Graduate School of Social Work and Social Research. She and her partner of 25 years co-parented her daughters with her ex-husband, and she recently became a grandmother.

193 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 2005

Reviews

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this would be a great resource for anyone who thinks this book might possibly be for them. There is absolutely nothing judgmental in the text for any decision the reader might make, whether it be staying faithful to her husband, divorcing and living separately from her children, or having an affair. The choice is the reader's, and Fleisher provides a huge amount of testimonies from women with different experiences as she presents some of the realities that may result from any decision the reader may make.

Not that it's all about decisions, though. A lot of the content at the beginning deals with understanding and accepting whatever the reader's newfound (or newly re-emerging) attraction to women may be. The book acts as a guide, encouraging the reader to take some action (if only internal) at the end of each chapter.

Fleisher does a good job of making this book for everyone in a non-generic way. I found it to be an easy, informative read that was interesting even in parts I thought I would find boring. I picked up this book out of curiosity and read it with much skepticism because a lot of queer-related resources I've perused irritate me to some degree with their generalizations, but I could find no fault with this one because it depicts and describes such a diverse range of women facing this particular issue.

It is also really well written and well organized. I would have given it 5 stars if not for the glaringly bad editing on a few pages. I normally read fiction and I don't particularly like the self-help genre when I delve into non-fiction, but I actually enjoyed reading this self-help book for an issue I will (probably?) never encounter in my own life! Glad such a balanced book exists for something so specific and so difficult.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book out of curiosity, which I offer as a disclaimer as I've never been married to a man and in love with a woman. I have, however, been in a relationship with a man and in love with a woman. I read this book after I'd already come out, simply because it seemed like an interesting book. I think for those women out there that are married, maybe have children, but are finally starting to acknowledge their attraction toward women (and I know a couple myself), I think there's no better book out there for a woman in that position. This book is written by a woman that's been there, and it has a great deal of wisdom to offer. It gives advice without telling you what to do, and it recognizes the complexity of the situation in that there is no one decision that's right for every woman. I appreciated that it did not give sweeping advice for women in a very difficult situation, as that would have been irresponsible. If you're in this situation, or even if you're not married but are struggling to come to terms with your sexuality, I highly recommend this book.

[Lisa Moyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful advice for married women that fall in love with other women. Lots of interesting vignettes help make it more personal.

[Charmaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

A life saver in a world where these things are still so hard to discuss this book was a saviour for me.