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The Inheritance of Shame
The Inheritance of Shame details the six years author Peter Gajdics spent in a bizarre form of conversion therapy that attempted to “cure” him of his homosexuality. Kept with other patients in a cult-like home in British Columbia, Canada, Gajdics was under the authority of a dominating, rogue psychiatrist who controlled his patients, in part, by creating and exploiting a false sense of family. Juxtaposed against his parents’ tormented past — his mother’s incarceration and escape from a communist concentration camp in post-World War II Yugoslavia, and his father’s upbringing as an orphan in war-torn Hungary — Gajdics’ story explores the universal themes of childhood trauma, oppression, and intergenerational pain. Told over a period of decades, the book shows us the damaging repercussions of conversion therapy and reminds us that resilience, compassion, and the courage to speak the truth exist within us all.
360 pages, Paperback
First published May 16, 2017
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April 25, 2017
Much has been written about “crazy therapies” the unproven, unusual, and downright strange psychological counselling and therapeutic practice’s some patients have been subjected too. “Inheritance of Shame: A Memoir “-- a debut by Canadian author Peter Gajdics. Using journals, official documents, medical records and recordings, Gajdics recalled his bizarre story in a shocking narrative, then afterwards how he reconnected with his parents and siblings, and traveled to Europe and Hungary to explore his family heritage.
The youngest of five, raised in the Vancouver B.C. region, his father was an orphaned Hungarian immigrant and his mother escaped from a communist Yugoslavia. As observant Catholic’s, Gajdics was raised in a churched culture, his parents would never fully accept him as a gay individual. As a young adult, after accepting payment for sex, he realized he needed psychological counselling. Next, Gajdics received a referral from the Health Authority for the only psychiatrist that was accepting new patents: Dr. Alfonzo.
Gajdics was highly skeptical of Dr. Alfonzo right from the start. Dr. Alfonzo insisted that all his patients needed medication, which he overprescribed. Dr. Alfonzo was writing his own book at the time, and believed that only he could be the “savior” for his patients with his cutting edge Primal Therapy, Rebirthing, and Reparative Therapy that offered a cure for homosexuality, in his controlled residential living “Styx” community homes. Due to the medication Gajdics was prescribed he gained 40 lbs. (from the book)… “Demons rattled beneath the floorboards of my soul and helplessness overwhelmed me. Rivotril, Elavil, Surmontil, Sinequan, daily—nothing helped.”… If Gajdics would have been older and more mature, he may have outright resisted the control Dr. Alfonzo had over his life. Instead, Gajdics was in Dr. Alfonzo’s care for nearly six years. Reparative therapy was eventually discredited and therapists were advised not to practice it. In 1998, Gajdics was contacted by an attorney for the College of Physicians and Surgeons regarding formal complaints filed against Dr. Alfonzo.
Gajdics story was extremely fascinating especially during the first half where he provides readers with a detailed account of Dr. Alfonzo’s disturbing behaviors, unconventional therapeutic methods, and using his residential patients for free labor. Fortunately, after blaming his parents for all his problems claiming they tried to “crucify” him (during Rebirthing Therapy), his parents welcomed Gajdics back in their lives after he discontinued therapy with Dr. Alfonzo. Much of Gajdics family history was usually described in painstaking detail, many of these details would only be of interest immediate family members. Gajdics applied for Hungarian citizenship under his father’s name, toured Europe in 2004, wrote lovingly of his father’s decline and death, and his mother’s escape from the communist concentration camps during WWII. It was really remarkable after so much conflict, Gajdics was able to reconnect with his family in such a meaningful and inspiring way. With thanks to Brown Paper Press via NetGalley for the direct digital copy for the purpose of review.
The youngest of five, raised in the Vancouver B.C. region, his father was an orphaned Hungarian immigrant and his mother escaped from a communist Yugoslavia. As observant Catholic’s, Gajdics was raised in a churched culture, his parents would never fully accept him as a gay individual. As a young adult, after accepting payment for sex, he realized he needed psychological counselling. Next, Gajdics received a referral from the Health Authority for the only psychiatrist that was accepting new patents: Dr. Alfonzo.
Gajdics was highly skeptical of Dr. Alfonzo right from the start. Dr. Alfonzo insisted that all his patients needed medication, which he overprescribed. Dr. Alfonzo was writing his own book at the time, and believed that only he could be the “savior” for his patients with his cutting edge Primal Therapy, Rebirthing, and Reparative Therapy that offered a cure for homosexuality, in his controlled residential living “Styx” community homes. Due to the medication Gajdics was prescribed he gained 40 lbs. (from the book)… “Demons rattled beneath the floorboards of my soul and helplessness overwhelmed me. Rivotril, Elavil, Surmontil, Sinequan, daily—nothing helped.”… If Gajdics would have been older and more mature, he may have outright resisted the control Dr. Alfonzo had over his life. Instead, Gajdics was in Dr. Alfonzo’s care for nearly six years. Reparative therapy was eventually discredited and therapists were advised not to practice it. In 1998, Gajdics was contacted by an attorney for the College of Physicians and Surgeons regarding formal complaints filed against Dr. Alfonzo.
Gajdics story was extremely fascinating especially during the first half where he provides readers with a detailed account of Dr. Alfonzo’s disturbing behaviors, unconventional therapeutic methods, and using his residential patients for free labor. Fortunately, after blaming his parents for all his problems claiming they tried to “crucify” him (during Rebirthing Therapy), his parents welcomed Gajdics back in their lives after he discontinued therapy with Dr. Alfonzo. Much of Gajdics family history was usually described in painstaking detail, many of these details would only be of interest immediate family members. Gajdics applied for Hungarian citizenship under his father’s name, toured Europe in 2004, wrote lovingly of his father’s decline and death, and his mother’s escape from the communist concentration camps during WWII. It was really remarkable after so much conflict, Gajdics was able to reconnect with his family in such a meaningful and inspiring way. With thanks to Brown Paper Press via NetGalley for the direct digital copy for the purpose of review.
July 8, 2017
This book moved me. Whether it be because I am a lesbian woman, or because I am human, I do not know. But I think it may be some mixture of the two.
This is another non-fiction novel that, like others I have read to space out my fiction reads, was very difficult to read. It has taken me a long time to finish. This is not because it is not written brilliantly; for it is fantastically detailed and honest, as Gajdics brings you into his world. It was difficult because the subject matter, especially for me, was quite difficult to digest.
Things I read turned my stomach, had me crying, clenching my fists, or sometimes, just laying the book down because I needed a break. It was both heartbreaking and informative, asserting further my views that I should be thankful for those LGBTQ+ people who have come before me, for they paved the way for the blooming of rights we are beginning to see today. They struggled with the most denial, the most abuse, the most pain, and the most suicide so that modern generations could have it just a little easier.
I thank Peter Gajdics for being open, honest and brave enough to publish his story, and I hope to see more works by him in the future.
This is another non-fiction novel that, like others I have read to space out my fiction reads, was very difficult to read. It has taken me a long time to finish. This is not because it is not written brilliantly; for it is fantastically detailed and honest, as Gajdics brings you into his world. It was difficult because the subject matter, especially for me, was quite difficult to digest.
Things I read turned my stomach, had me crying, clenching my fists, or sometimes, just laying the book down because I needed a break. It was both heartbreaking and informative, asserting further my views that I should be thankful for those LGBTQ+ people who have come before me, for they paved the way for the blooming of rights we are beginning to see today. They struggled with the most denial, the most abuse, the most pain, and the most suicide so that modern generations could have it just a little easier.
I thank Peter Gajdics for being open, honest and brave enough to publish his story, and I hope to see more works by him in the future.
Read
February 2, 2018Riveting, ghastly, painful story - how war crimes against the parents translate into intense familial homophobia that drives the author into the hands of the wrong people. Most memoirs are so boring because they focus on the event, but this one is driven- not by self justification or positioning, but be an energy to explain, reveal, understand how we give our lives to dangerous people because we come from dangerous people.
September 14, 2018
I feel like a jerk for giving this author's memoir anything other than 5 stars, given the horrific experiences he went though, but it was "just okay" for me. The author voluntarily (although there is a fine line here between when it was voluntary and when he became a virtual prisoner by his therapist) elected to go through an extremely bizarre form of conversion therapy to "overcome" his "gayness," brought on by a combination of early childhood sexual abuse and physically and emotionally abusive parents, which then led him down a path of self-destruction and eventually sought help. The parts of the memoir focused on the therapy part of his life were interesting, and disturbing, but eventually the book kind of dragged on for me. Still, a decent read and I give the author much respect for sharing his story and the sordid details of his irrefutably troubled life.
April 17, 2017
Peter Gajdics' memoir is haunting and raw. Once I started reading it, I had trouble looking away. His experiences of living within a therapeutic cult in Canada for five years are bizarre and sad. His parents' memories of war and torment intertwined helped to add a key layer to the book. His descriptions of European cities was excellent as well. I visited Budapest a few months ago and his words brought me right back.
*Read via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
*Read via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
November 4, 2018
Saw Peter read at the Vancouver Writers Festival and immediately put a library hold on this book. It's a memoir about trauma that goes through a family, but it's also a memoir about Peter's experience with conversion therapy. At an early age, he realizes he is gay, and turns to a cult like psychiatrist who doses the hell out of him with medications to make him straight.
The book is well written and unflinching. It also explores how the history of Peter's parents influenced his own life. I recommend this book highly and hope more people read it.
The book is well written and unflinching. It also explores how the history of Peter's parents influenced his own life. I recommend this book highly and hope more people read it.
September 23, 2020
This book angered me, made me laugh, cry and creeped me out in parts. Most people are completely clueless about ex gay therapy and how damaging it truly is. This memoir reminds us about the importance of not undermining the experiences of others, even those who act in ways that make them difficult to love. I would highly recommend reading "The Inheritance of Shame."
March 22, 2022
Amazing story, though it sort of reads like two books merged. Most of it is “therapist from hell and the cult and also my shame and my family’s shame about my sexuality.” And then it’s like added on “and then I helped my father explore his history.”
I know what he was trying to do—trace the reverberations of shame and silence—but it just really didn’t blend well for me.
I know what he was trying to do—trace the reverberations of shame and silence—but it just really didn’t blend well for me.
January 20, 2021
As someone who found a kind, ethical, queer talk therapist on the first try 18 years ago and has been with him ever since, it's almost hard to wrap my head around what Gajdics went through at the hands Dr. Alfonzo, a sadistic cult leader of a "therapist." As I read about violent "primal" sessions, perpetual gay-shaming, creepily blurred boundaries, and forced drug use, I kept thinking "Get out of there and get some therapy." Which is what I wish for most people in abusive situations. But if you believe the thing that's making you sick is in fact the cure, it must destroy your sense of trust and reality for a long, long time.
Gajdics weaves his experience as a self-loathing gay man—and ultimately as a defiant and resilient one—with his parents' own painful pasts in war-torn Hungary and Communist Serbia. I'm fascinated by the twists and turns that intergenerational trauma takes. Gajdics makes complicated narratives clear, and ends on a note of bittersweet but beautifully tender reconciliation.
Gajdics weaves his experience as a self-loathing gay man—and ultimately as a defiant and resilient one—with his parents' own painful pasts in war-torn Hungary and Communist Serbia. I'm fascinated by the twists and turns that intergenerational trauma takes. Gajdics makes complicated narratives clear, and ends on a note of bittersweet but beautifully tender reconciliation.
December 13, 2017
Painful, heart-wrenching, and disturbing at times .. This was an excruciating read.
March 31, 2017
This is definitely not an easy read as every experience is intimately outlined on the page. Sex, violence and life trauma form a catalogue of inhumanity through many of the people Peter experiences.
Gajdics( pronounced 'Gay Dicks' by cruel schoolmates) was born in 1964 and possibly 'reborn' by the telling of this startling- often disturbing- memoir.
He lived with his Catholic family in Vancover, Canada. His father had emigrated after escaping Hungary, whilst his mother also escaped Yugoslavia after being imprisoned (as a German) in communist concentration camps. The connection to church activities and its damnation of sex are all around. Then a young Peter (aged 6) is sexually abused in a church hall. Truancy, disengagement, sexual promiscuity and his growing need to understand his homosexuality eventually leads Peter to the door of therapist 'Dr Alfonso'. Psychiatry and the immersion of patients into 'alternative therapies spiral Peter into a weird world of unorthodox treatments and to him living in a 'cult' house with others who undertake the commands and cures Dr Alfonso prescribes them.
The group of Styx households grow and Peter denies his family, his friends yet still questioning his sexuality which the Doctor continues to argue against.
Finally Peter escapes and returns to his parents after pursuing a law suit against the Doctor whilst the relationship with his parents becomes more positive and he is able to have more stable sexual relationships.
The ideas surrounding reparative therapies to 'cure' homosexuality took years to be thrown out as both dangerous and unethical. Despite the World Health Organisation (WHO) denouncing their medical and psychological danger many still approve of their methods (including current Vice President Mike Pence).
As readers you can come to the end as relieved as Peter for escaping the clutches of these 'cures'. Luckily the author has survived to write this memoir. Others should be encouraged to read this and also question the methods which proved not only destructive to him, but which also continue to destroy other vulnerable young people.
Gajdics( pronounced 'Gay Dicks' by cruel schoolmates) was born in 1964 and possibly 'reborn' by the telling of this startling- often disturbing- memoir.
He lived with his Catholic family in Vancover, Canada. His father had emigrated after escaping Hungary, whilst his mother also escaped Yugoslavia after being imprisoned (as a German) in communist concentration camps. The connection to church activities and its damnation of sex are all around. Then a young Peter (aged 6) is sexually abused in a church hall. Truancy, disengagement, sexual promiscuity and his growing need to understand his homosexuality eventually leads Peter to the door of therapist 'Dr Alfonso'. Psychiatry and the immersion of patients into 'alternative therapies spiral Peter into a weird world of unorthodox treatments and to him living in a 'cult' house with others who undertake the commands and cures Dr Alfonso prescribes them.
The group of Styx households grow and Peter denies his family, his friends yet still questioning his sexuality which the Doctor continues to argue against.
Finally Peter escapes and returns to his parents after pursuing a law suit against the Doctor whilst the relationship with his parents becomes more positive and he is able to have more stable sexual relationships.
The ideas surrounding reparative therapies to 'cure' homosexuality took years to be thrown out as both dangerous and unethical. Despite the World Health Organisation (WHO) denouncing their medical and psychological danger many still approve of their methods (including current Vice President Mike Pence).
As readers you can come to the end as relieved as Peter for escaping the clutches of these 'cures'. Luckily the author has survived to write this memoir. Others should be encouraged to read this and also question the methods which proved not only destructive to him, but which also continue to destroy other vulnerable young people.
December 18, 2020
"There's more than one way to kill a f[****]t..."
Indeed, and "The Inheritance of Shame" details many of the most extreme methods [pseudo] psychiatry tried. The bracketed qualifier is important here, for while psychiatry does not come away from this book with a pass, it was really a quack psychiatrist (fully credentialed though he was) who went rogue. That the psychiatric association responsible for oversight and the enforcement of professional ethics chose to excuse much of the mad doctor's behavior is insult to injury.
The memoir tells the story of Peter Gajdics, a gay male who comes from a devoutly Catholic family, who is struggling with his sexual attraction to men. Without spoilers, it is important to note that aside from his religion, another event during his childhood proves crucial in contributing to his identity crisis, and it is no help that he has no one in his family (or church) to which he can turn for support. So he turns to his college health center for referral to a therapist, and that's when things REALLY turn bad. I mean REALLY BAD. What starts out as conversion therapy quickly devolves into a cult (literally), with Gajdics devoting years of his life to the quack Dr. Yet this isn't Berkeley or Hollywood circa the 1960s or 1970s; this is Canada during the 1990s!
When Gadjics finally breaks free from the cult, he seeks help from the Canadian psychiatric association responsible for ethics and oversight, yet his pursuit of justice only reveals the dark past of the psychiatric community's views on homosexuality. It is here that I found the reading most engaging. To be sure, I am a firm believer in therapy and mental illness and health. But I am also a scholar who teaches the social construction of deviance - so readings from Thomas Szasz and Michel Foucault are always on the forefront of my mind. Though no references are made to such scholars, and though Gadjics makes no attempt to tackle such weighty ideas, themes of what it means to be "normal" nevertheless emerge, and it quickly becomes apparent that perhaps those who have at one point been deemed mentally ill are possibly the most sane amongst us.
But Gadjics memoir is about so much more than the shame of homosexuality, and it is his ability to weave a second narrative about the secrets his parents keep from him that make the book work so well. We soon learn that the title of the book carries far more meaning than the obvious. This was a pleasant surprise, and while I admittedly skimmed some of the intricacies of his family lineage and history, how the reveals impact his relationship with his parents (and - in particular - his father) are simply beautiful.
Gajdics is a gifted writer, weaving narratives and anecdotes together seamlessly, with a great introduction to the book that re-emerges beautifully later in the book, with renewed significance. If the book has a flaw, it is the uneven pacing. Details of his time in the Styx (the cult, not the band) drag a bit, and these could probably have been pared down. But the second half of the book far makes up for it, and I found myself turning pages with much excitement. Kudos to Brown Paper Press (a local press from Long Beach, CA) for publishing this wonderful work. I'm so glad I picked it up, and by the last pages, I had a hard time putting it down.
Indeed, and "The Inheritance of Shame" details many of the most extreme methods [pseudo] psychiatry tried. The bracketed qualifier is important here, for while psychiatry does not come away from this book with a pass, it was really a quack psychiatrist (fully credentialed though he was) who went rogue. That the psychiatric association responsible for oversight and the enforcement of professional ethics chose to excuse much of the mad doctor's behavior is insult to injury.
The memoir tells the story of Peter Gajdics, a gay male who comes from a devoutly Catholic family, who is struggling with his sexual attraction to men. Without spoilers, it is important to note that aside from his religion, another event during his childhood proves crucial in contributing to his identity crisis, and it is no help that he has no one in his family (or church) to which he can turn for support. So he turns to his college health center for referral to a therapist, and that's when things REALLY turn bad. I mean REALLY BAD. What starts out as conversion therapy quickly devolves into a cult (literally), with Gajdics devoting years of his life to the quack Dr. Yet this isn't Berkeley or Hollywood circa the 1960s or 1970s; this is Canada during the 1990s!
When Gadjics finally breaks free from the cult, he seeks help from the Canadian psychiatric association responsible for ethics and oversight, yet his pursuit of justice only reveals the dark past of the psychiatric community's views on homosexuality. It is here that I found the reading most engaging. To be sure, I am a firm believer in therapy and mental illness and health. But I am also a scholar who teaches the social construction of deviance - so readings from Thomas Szasz and Michel Foucault are always on the forefront of my mind. Though no references are made to such scholars, and though Gadjics makes no attempt to tackle such weighty ideas, themes of what it means to be "normal" nevertheless emerge, and it quickly becomes apparent that perhaps those who have at one point been deemed mentally ill are possibly the most sane amongst us.
But Gadjics memoir is about so much more than the shame of homosexuality, and it is his ability to weave a second narrative about the secrets his parents keep from him that make the book work so well. We soon learn that the title of the book carries far more meaning than the obvious. This was a pleasant surprise, and while I admittedly skimmed some of the intricacies of his family lineage and history, how the reveals impact his relationship with his parents (and - in particular - his father) are simply beautiful.
Gajdics is a gifted writer, weaving narratives and anecdotes together seamlessly, with a great introduction to the book that re-emerges beautifully later in the book, with renewed significance. If the book has a flaw, it is the uneven pacing. Details of his time in the Styx (the cult, not the band) drag a bit, and these could probably have been pared down. But the second half of the book far makes up for it, and I found myself turning pages with much excitement. Kudos to Brown Paper Press (a local press from Long Beach, CA) for publishing this wonderful work. I'm so glad I picked it up, and by the last pages, I had a hard time putting it down.
July 23, 2017
Masterful. This is a word which came to my mind while indulging in this book. Masterful.
With each poignant turn of phrase, every well-placed word, every nuance of thought behind the language, Mr Gajdics takes the reader on a journey as emotionally rupturing as it is nurturing.
And although this is only Mr Gajdics' first novel, it reads like the work of a seasoned master in the autumn of their talent.
And it could only take the work of a writer so proficient in their craft to relate a narrative as harrowing, expansive and unique as this, to not only make it believable, but palpable.
And although the subject matter may at first seem divisive, it quickly becomes apparent that Mr Gajdics' story is universal in it's humanity and the truth and history of human lives colliding, diverging, and coming together again.
Regrettably, there are only five stars I can give.
Magically Masterful.
With each poignant turn of phrase, every well-placed word, every nuance of thought behind the language, Mr Gajdics takes the reader on a journey as emotionally rupturing as it is nurturing.
And although this is only Mr Gajdics' first novel, it reads like the work of a seasoned master in the autumn of their talent.
And it could only take the work of a writer so proficient in their craft to relate a narrative as harrowing, expansive and unique as this, to not only make it believable, but palpable.
And although the subject matter may at first seem divisive, it quickly becomes apparent that Mr Gajdics' story is universal in it's humanity and the truth and history of human lives colliding, diverging, and coming together again.
Regrettably, there are only five stars I can give.
Magically Masterful.
June 22, 2017
Shame is toxic. Shame is demonic. Shame can be passed on from one generation to the next. This brilliant memoir is about shame. The transference of parental shame and the shame of being "different". This is a true story. It is moving, gripping and reads like a novel. This book is hard to put down. Each page rivets you to the next. The Inheritance of Shame left me astonished and brought me to tears. It's about a young man's struggle with his sexual orientation while surrounded by self-loathing, anger, parental shame, rejection and medical quackery. He survives all this in part by writing about it. His writing about it may save other lives. If you only read one book this summer read this one.
Bryan McIver
Bryan McIver
May 23, 2017
What happens when primal therapy turns to conversion therapy? A socially important autobiography by a gay man who is ostracized by his family and turns to the only help he can get—a charming, disarming Canadian psychiatrist who seems to be the author’s only salvation. The doctor’s unconventional ‘cures’ become more demanding, harsh and inhumane in the cult-like setting and the author is continually subjected to egregious treatment by this off-center psychiatrist who so heavily medicates him that he almost dies. And yet this is an amazing story of a brave man speaking out, his liberation, his resilience, his return to self love and acceptance—and the gradual growth to family healing.
May 19, 2017
This beautifully written and deeply profound book left me speechless. Gajdics' memoir is a tribute to courage in the face of great cruelty, and to the timeless healing power of love and forgiveness. I couldn't put it down, and I basically read it in one long sitting. It is an unforgettable story.
June 10, 2019
"The Inheritance of Shame" by Peter Gajdics (pron. “guy-ditch”) published 2017 is a memoir recounting the author’s experience with conversion therapy during the early 1990s - a time when LGBTQ2S rights were still being fought for across the country. Unlike other experiences at “pray away the gay” camps, Gajdics’ experience was more personal and one-on-one; it doesn’t make it any the less horrifying.
Gajdics was born of deeply religious parents who fled Europe after World War II. His parents brought that trauma with them; making them quick to corporal punishment. From an early age he knew was different. Trauma was also visited upon him at age six when he was sexually assaulted by a much older man. Unfortunately, instead of calling the police to arrest this man and getting therapy for the young victim, it was a time (circa 1970) when you didn’t talk about it.
Without any positive resources, Gajdics grew up feeling he was a broken heterosexual. In his 20s, dealing with depression and anxiety, he sought mental help, and had the unfortunate fate of encountering “Dr. Alfonzo” --a psychotherapist big into Primal Scream and regression therapies (both of which have been mostly discredited today).
Without any positive familial or societal support for processing his homosexuality Gajdics felt his only choice was to consider conversion therapy. Alfonzo at first provided a kind of love, support, and family to his patients they lacked as children. The therapy soon turned creepy controlling cult-like: Alfonzo prescribed massive amounts of drugs, turning patients into compliant zombies. He made himself out to be “Daddy” and the patients the ignorant children he was healing, creating a dependent therapy house rather creepily nicknamed Styx.
With the patients all living together, they could support (or spy on) each other 24-hours. A restricted diet was implemented, patients had to share everything, including money. No outside contact was allowed: be it TV, newspapers, magazines, or family and friends. Alfonzo controlled where you went outside of the Styx, and any rebellion threatened with expulsion from the house. The doctor was especially interested in Gajdics because while he did want to help “cure” homosexuality, it was more so Alfonzo could then write a book about it and become famous.
Like any cult, it’s never one big step, it’s a series of small steps until you are in deep and feel this is your life. You can’t leave, and (worst of all) anyone who criticizes this therapy is “the enemy” of your progress. Alfonzo used threats of reprisals to keep Gajdics in line when the Ketamine didn’t work. If that wasn’t bad enough, the doctor made the author carry a small vial of his own feces around. Every time Gajdics felt a homosexual attraction, Alfonzo instructed him to smell it to help create a negative association with anal sex.
Of course, every conman makes a mistake sooner or later. Alfonzo, perhaps feeling Gajdics was under his thumb, reduced the meds. He also stopped therapy sessions after the author began constantly challenging him, but still tried to keep him dependand by letting Gajdics remain in the house. As the author began to think for himself, he eventually left the Styx, accepted his homosexuality, reconnected with his family, sued Alfonzo, and finally wrote and published this book.
It's easy to think of the doctor as a quack, especially sitting here in 2019 and looking back on when this therapy occurred. Yet then, even as now, people faced family and community pressure to conform to the norm (i.e. heterosexuality). In an Advocate article, Gajdics said “But if my experiences taught me anything it was that a change to the ‘map’ of my identity from homosexuality to heterosexual would never change the ‘territory’ of my experience from same-sex to opposite-sex desire. A map is not the territory it represents.” It’s a timely book, at a time when regressive, authoritarian conservatives nation-wide are desperately trying to restrict any and all freedoms they feel are outside the norm. An emotional read, but a great book.
Review also available on https://evankayne.com/
Gajdics was born of deeply religious parents who fled Europe after World War II. His parents brought that trauma with them; making them quick to corporal punishment. From an early age he knew was different. Trauma was also visited upon him at age six when he was sexually assaulted by a much older man. Unfortunately, instead of calling the police to arrest this man and getting therapy for the young victim, it was a time (circa 1970) when you didn’t talk about it.
Without any positive resources, Gajdics grew up feeling he was a broken heterosexual. In his 20s, dealing with depression and anxiety, he sought mental help, and had the unfortunate fate of encountering “Dr. Alfonzo” --a psychotherapist big into Primal Scream and regression therapies (both of which have been mostly discredited today).
Without any positive familial or societal support for processing his homosexuality Gajdics felt his only choice was to consider conversion therapy. Alfonzo at first provided a kind of love, support, and family to his patients they lacked as children. The therapy soon turned creepy controlling cult-like: Alfonzo prescribed massive amounts of drugs, turning patients into compliant zombies. He made himself out to be “Daddy” and the patients the ignorant children he was healing, creating a dependent therapy house rather creepily nicknamed Styx.
With the patients all living together, they could support (or spy on) each other 24-hours. A restricted diet was implemented, patients had to share everything, including money. No outside contact was allowed: be it TV, newspapers, magazines, or family and friends. Alfonzo controlled where you went outside of the Styx, and any rebellion threatened with expulsion from the house. The doctor was especially interested in Gajdics because while he did want to help “cure” homosexuality, it was more so Alfonzo could then write a book about it and become famous.
Like any cult, it’s never one big step, it’s a series of small steps until you are in deep and feel this is your life. You can’t leave, and (worst of all) anyone who criticizes this therapy is “the enemy” of your progress. Alfonzo used threats of reprisals to keep Gajdics in line when the Ketamine didn’t work. If that wasn’t bad enough, the doctor made the author carry a small vial of his own feces around. Every time Gajdics felt a homosexual attraction, Alfonzo instructed him to smell it to help create a negative association with anal sex.
Of course, every conman makes a mistake sooner or later. Alfonzo, perhaps feeling Gajdics was under his thumb, reduced the meds. He also stopped therapy sessions after the author began constantly challenging him, but still tried to keep him dependand by letting Gajdics remain in the house. As the author began to think for himself, he eventually left the Styx, accepted his homosexuality, reconnected with his family, sued Alfonzo, and finally wrote and published this book.
It's easy to think of the doctor as a quack, especially sitting here in 2019 and looking back on when this therapy occurred. Yet then, even as now, people faced family and community pressure to conform to the norm (i.e. heterosexuality). In an Advocate article, Gajdics said “But if my experiences taught me anything it was that a change to the ‘map’ of my identity from homosexuality to heterosexual would never change the ‘territory’ of my experience from same-sex to opposite-sex desire. A map is not the territory it represents.” It’s a timely book, at a time when regressive, authoritarian conservatives nation-wide are desperately trying to restrict any and all freedoms they feel are outside the norm. An emotional read, but a great book.
Review also available on https://evankayne.com/
November 14, 2017
This might be one of the best memoirs I’ve read, ever. I don’t say that lightly. Memoir is a genre that I really enjoy, so I’ve read my fair share. Earlier this year I was blown away by Cheryl Strayed’s Wild and thought that I wouldn’t possibly find another memoir as brilliant anytime soon. And then I read Peter Gajdics’ The Inheritance of Shame and was blown away all over again.
The Inheritance of Shame is Gajdics’ personal story of undergoing conversion therapy that aimed to turn him from a gay man into a straight man. The subject matter alone is compelling, but what really makes his story so intriguing is the psychiatrist who led his therapy and the abusive tactics he used on Gajdics. I have also had a couple of very scary relationships with narcissistic abusers in my life (one a former boyfriend and one a former boss) so I definitely related to Gajdics’ story. I haven’t met that many other people in real life who have gone through the crazy-making experience of someone who gaslights you at every turn and uses the most extreme coercive strategies to control and manipulate people. It was refreshing, to say the least, to see that Gajdics is throwing light on this topic. I believe it’s something many people have gone through (especially those of us who are highly sensitive, intuitive, or empathic—we seem to be targets for narcissists) even though it’s tough to find resources and support to deal with it or heal from it.
Gajdics’ book is an incredibly important work of art and social awareness not just for the LGBTQA population, but for anyone who has ever suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
Just a stunning book. I would give it ten stars if I could.
The Inheritance of Shame is Gajdics’ personal story of undergoing conversion therapy that aimed to turn him from a gay man into a straight man. The subject matter alone is compelling, but what really makes his story so intriguing is the psychiatrist who led his therapy and the abusive tactics he used on Gajdics. I have also had a couple of very scary relationships with narcissistic abusers in my life (one a former boyfriend and one a former boss) so I definitely related to Gajdics’ story. I haven’t met that many other people in real life who have gone through the crazy-making experience of someone who gaslights you at every turn and uses the most extreme coercive strategies to control and manipulate people. It was refreshing, to say the least, to see that Gajdics is throwing light on this topic. I believe it’s something many people have gone through (especially those of us who are highly sensitive, intuitive, or empathic—we seem to be targets for narcissists) even though it’s tough to find resources and support to deal with it or heal from it.
Gajdics’ book is an incredibly important work of art and social awareness not just for the LGBTQA population, but for anyone who has ever suffered mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
Just a stunning book. I would give it ten stars if I could.
May 29, 2017
Although this was ultimately a difficult read and took me much longer to finish than I expected, I can't really say that either of those was a negative. The writing itself is clear, the material relevant and personal, and the overall cohesion very strong. If I had a complaint, it would be pacing. The time spent in therapy makes up the bulk of the text, which isn't inappropriate or problematic, but it does mean that some other time periods seem to be touched on rather lightly in comparison. After reading 100 pages that cover just a few years of time, to then cover several years in just 20 pages was a little unsatisfying, if understandable ("regular" life may not have seemed as interesting or writable, and I most likely would have complained if the detail level of those subsequent years was 100 pages long). But I am nit-picking. This wasn't a book I could just sit down and read straight through. I needed to take breaks. Not because of any fault in the writing that I can name, but I think simply the depth and intensity. I am a better person for having read this, and I don't regret it the time it took. I may have hated some of the actual experience of the reading, but only because of the emotional response. I think that hatred actually made the book better.
September 3, 2018
The author writes of his struggles to accept his homosexuality, and who he really is. As his mental state starts to impact his physical safety due to poor decision making he seeks out the help of a psychiatrist. Unfortunately this results in a period of years of conversation therapy centred on the idea that the sexual assault resulted in a sexual preference for men that could and should be "cured." As Peter fought to accept who he truly is the "therapy" becomes more abusive. The other part of the memoir explores how his parent's horrific pasts impacted their ability to parent him and his siblings. Their inability to support and accept him for who he was and how this impacted his own sense of self. His mother was incarcerated and escaped from a communist concentration camp in post-World War II Yugoslavia, and his father was as an orphan in war-torn Hungary. As a reader I have to say I found his parents story more compelling and his exploration into their past and how it impacts him. This is a brave honest book that ultimately speaks of the power of love and acceptance. In saying that the majority of the book focuses on conversation therapy in granular detail and I found the minority of the book much more interesting. I would have liked to read his father's story.
October 17, 2017
Peter Gajdics is to be greatly commended, both for his courage and his writerly talent. The Inheritance of Shame is a dark and difficult account of Mr. Gajdics' personal journey as a gay man through and past "reconversion therapy"; a journey that culminates in self-acceptance, wisdom and insight. The book is by turns horrifying, illuminating and, ultimately, inspiring. The writing is clear and clear-headed. It is also literate and lyrical; writing that through its artistry and its unsettling content gets under the reader's skin and provokes deep thought about what still remains to be done in Canadian society to promote greater understanding and acceptance of individuals who belong to sub-communities which have been and continue to be subject to discrimination and many forms of mistreatment. The Inheritance of Shame demands a broad readership. It informs and challenges and leaves no room for doubt that Peter Gajdics' future as a wonderfully skilled and evocative writer is assured.
August 21, 2021
An illuminating book about a tragic—and nearly unbelievable—“conversion” cult in Vancouver, Canada. This story has the air of misery memoirs like Educated and The Glass Castle but instead of screwed up families, it’s a young man trying to “fix” his homosexuality through the wild hair ideas of a sadistic psychiatrist.
Like many of these misery memoirs, the protagonist is both highly sympathetic and also infuriating. At times, I wanted to reach through the page and slap Peter until he woke up and got himself out of the awful situation. I found these parts of the book frustrating, both in content and also from a general writing perspective. On the other hand, it’s like you’re right there absorbing the trauma with him. It makes for an uncomfortable read, which is certainly part of the point.
In the end, Peter’s story had to be told and I’m glad this book exists. I hope Peter has found some peace and safety within himself. The reader knows all along that there isn’t anything wrong with him, and I hope Peter now knows it too.
Like many of these misery memoirs, the protagonist is both highly sympathetic and also infuriating. At times, I wanted to reach through the page and slap Peter until he woke up and got himself out of the awful situation. I found these parts of the book frustrating, both in content and also from a general writing perspective. On the other hand, it’s like you’re right there absorbing the trauma with him. It makes for an uncomfortable read, which is certainly part of the point.
In the end, Peter’s story had to be told and I’m glad this book exists. I hope Peter has found some peace and safety within himself. The reader knows all along that there isn’t anything wrong with him, and I hope Peter now knows it too.
August 23, 2018
Powerful, tormenting, evocative, infuriating. Gajdics tells the story of his life in a way that draws you into his own pain, anger, and triumph. You'll feel as if you are hiding in his pocket as he relives the years at home, going through therapy, and finally helping his parents discover and uncover their own past. You will bear the burden of shame that it took Peter decades to begin to understand and then work through. While his conversion therapy is certainly the centerpiece of the story, there is so much more that he discovers as he tries to come to terms with what makes him tick. Although this is Gajdics first book, it has been incubating so long that it reads like that from a seasoned author. It's hard to guess how he might treat a story that isn't so intensely personal, but if he puts pen to paper again, I think we'll discover that he can tell a great story--even if it isn't his own.
July 4, 2017
The memoir is one of the most captivating and heartbreaking books I have ever read. Author Peter Gajdics’ straightforward narrative of his traumatic life events is incredibly heartbreaking, not only because it is true, but because it highlights the devastating effects of conversion therapy. This memoir is a perfect example of resilience and redemption. Gajdics beautifully and thoughtfully intertwines his parents’ tormented past during World War II in Eastern Europe where his mother was captured, detained and subsequently escaped communist concentration camps to where his father was orphaned as a child. Gajdics clearly demonstrates without anger, malice or judgement his understanding of his staunch Catholic parents’ inability to accept his homosexuality. This is a true story about a family of survivors that is awe inspiring.
July 27, 2017
It is hard to write a qualitative review of a memoir because I would never want to disparage a real person's lived experience. Thankfully, I do not have to do that here because this memoir, the author's first book, was excellent. I was moved to tears by the end. In the beginning I found the narration a shade too expository, more tell less show, but by the time he reached the parts about his cult-like therapy experiences, the author had corrected this. However, when he was relaying supposedly actual conversations, using quotation marks, I wondered how he could remember word-for-word conversations from nearly three decades ago. This is not a problem specific to this author, but something I always feel when I read memoirs and other supposedly true stories. I suppose that is why they call it creative non-fiction. Overall, it was fantastic. 10/10 would recommend.
October 17, 2017
"Inheritance of Shame: A Memoir" is a stunning debut by Canadian author Peter Gajdics. This is his personal story yet it is many stories: a story of coming-out as gay in a Catholic environment, a story of extreme psychiatric abuse, an immigrant story detailing the trauma of displacement, a story of resilience but most of all a cautionary tale about the futility of so-called "conversion therapy." This is a timely and necessary story in an age of religious fundamentalism and the current conservative backwash.
Gajdics has the unblinking eye of the artist as he uses his writerly techniques to examine his own awful past and detail his survival. We are taken on a ride through furtive sex in alleyways, desperate attempts to be treated in back-room psychiatric practices, communal group-homes of over-medicated damaged patients to the faux-family house set up by a charismatic and cruel cult-leader.
As the author describes his eventual recovery and attempts to seek retribution, this reader wanted to cheer him on. Not only is this book extremely well-written with clarity of vision and adamantine honesty, it is also an important addition to the literature surrounding LGBTQ survival.
Gajdics has the unblinking eye of the artist as he uses his writerly techniques to examine his own awful past and detail his survival. We are taken on a ride through furtive sex in alleyways, desperate attempts to be treated in back-room psychiatric practices, communal group-homes of over-medicated damaged patients to the faux-family house set up by a charismatic and cruel cult-leader.
As the author describes his eventual recovery and attempts to seek retribution, this reader wanted to cheer him on. Not only is this book extremely well-written with clarity of vision and adamantine honesty, it is also an important addition to the literature surrounding LGBTQ survival.
April 25, 2019
I read this book on the recommendation from a friend. The book is one of gay man looking back over his life journey of sexual abuse, family dysfunction, and years in conversion therapy.
This is a nonfiction memoir and Gajdics does a great job of sharing his truth.
At one point he involves himself in therapy with a very questionable therapist. The methods used are bizarre and involved so much self loathing. The whole thing broke my heart.
I won't spoil the story and tell you what happened but will say that Gajdics has write about a subject that I know very little about and I learned a lot. I also know that the prejudice still continues today. Ignorance has no place but many still choose to embrace it.
Thank you for sharing Mr. Gajdics.
This is a nonfiction memoir and Gajdics does a great job of sharing his truth.
At one point he involves himself in therapy with a very questionable therapist. The methods used are bizarre and involved so much self loathing. The whole thing broke my heart.
I won't spoil the story and tell you what happened but will say that Gajdics has write about a subject that I know very little about and I learned a lot. I also know that the prejudice still continues today. Ignorance has no place but many still choose to embrace it.
Thank you for sharing Mr. Gajdics.
December 29, 2017
Ostensibly an account of homophobia and conversion therapy, Peter Gajdics gripping story delves into the magnetism of cult existence while, at the same time, deciphering the somewhat analogous compulsion many of us have to maintain dysfunctional familial relationships.
Any story of prolonged trauma can be challenging to read but the depth of Gajdics compassion, even for his persecutors, creates an intriguing perspective on the human condition. His writing is superb and the plot of The Inheritance of Shame is spellbinding but what makes this book outstanding is the delicate beauty Gajdics uses to unearth the psychosocial legacy that many of us unwittingly struggle with everyday.
Any story of prolonged trauma can be challenging to read but the depth of Gajdics compassion, even for his persecutors, creates an intriguing perspective on the human condition. His writing is superb and the plot of The Inheritance of Shame is spellbinding but what makes this book outstanding is the delicate beauty Gajdics uses to unearth the psychosocial legacy that many of us unwittingly struggle with everyday.
March 28, 2018
Peter Gajdics’ memoir documents his six-year journey through, and eventually out of, a particularly bizarre sort of therapy; the legal battle with his former psychiatrist; his complicated family history; and his attempts to reclaim his self-identity and his own story.
The story is intensely personal and written with an LGBTQ audience in mind, but Gajdics tells it with such honesty and forgiveness that its themes transcend gender and sexuality. The book could also appeal to anyone interested in family conflicts, trauma and recovery, psychology, cults, and even 20th Century European history.
The story is intensely personal and written with an LGBTQ audience in mind, but Gajdics tells it with such honesty and forgiveness that its themes transcend gender and sexuality. The book could also appeal to anyone interested in family conflicts, trauma and recovery, psychology, cults, and even 20th Century European history.
March 10, 2020
66. The Inheritance of Shame: a memoir by Peter Gajdics
Gajdics was lured into a conversion from homosexuality by a very unscrupulous psychiatrist who told his patients that they would never “recover” and used them as near slaves for years while he experimented with primal scream and other discounted therapies, wasting over a decade of his life. His parents were very religious and refused to accept his sexual orientation. When Peter decided that the doctor has committed malpractice, he was in for more years of suffering. While the book was merely okay, hearing Gajdics speak on radio was impressive.
Gajdics was lured into a conversion from homosexuality by a very unscrupulous psychiatrist who told his patients that they would never “recover” and used them as near slaves for years while he experimented with primal scream and other discounted therapies, wasting over a decade of his life. His parents were very religious and refused to accept his sexual orientation. When Peter decided that the doctor has committed malpractice, he was in for more years of suffering. While the book was merely okay, hearing Gajdics speak on radio was impressive.
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