The Boyfriend School

Texas Quartet #2

by Sarah Bird

Gretchen Griner is an underpaid, underappreciated photographer for the Austin (that’s Texas) Grackle , part-time lover of Peter Overton Treadwell III (known as “Trout”), and major consumer of Cup O’ Soup. That is, until she meets Lizzie Potts—otherwise known as Viveca Lamoureaux, romance writer extraordinaire. Lizzie has a plan for Gretchen’s life—and it includes Lizzie’s brother Gus. But Gretchen has her own plan, and it does not feature a “wispy goon” named Gus. Of course, fate also has a plan for Gretchen, and it doesn’t care what Gretchen wants. So Lizzie will give Gretchen Gus, Gus will give Gretchen the man of her dreams, and among this oddball cast of marvelous misfits, someone just may discover the secret to true romance.

Genres: Fiction, Romance, Chick Lit, Humor, Contemporary, Satire, Adult Fiction

368 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

About the author

Sarah Bird is a bestselling novelist, screenwriter, essayist, and journalist who has lived in Austin, Texas since long before the city became internationally cool. She has published ten novels and two books of essays. Her eleventh novel, LAST DANCE ON THE STARLITE PIER--a gripping tale set in the secret world of the dance marathons of the Great Depression--will be released on April 12th.

Her last novel, DAUGHTER OF A DAUGHTER OF A QUEEN--inspired by the true story of the only woman to serve with the legendary Buffalo Soldiers--was named an All-time Best Books about Texas by the Austin American-Statesman; Best Fiction of 2018, Christian Science Monitor; Favorite Books of 2018, Texas Observer; a One City, One Book choice of seven cities; and a Lit Lovers Book Club Favorites.

Sarah was a finalist for The Dublin International Literary Award; an ALEX award winner; Amazon Literature Best of the Year selection; a two-time winner of the TIL’s Best Novel award; a B&N’s Discover Great Writers selection; a New York Public Libraries Books to Remember; an honoree of theTexas Writers Hall of Fame; an Amazon Literature Best of the Year selection; a Dobie-Paisano Fellowship; and an Austin Libraries Illumine Award for Excellence in Fiction winner. In 2014 she was named Texas Writer of the Year by the Texas Book Festival and presented with a pair of custom-made boots on the floor of the Texas Senate Chamber.

Sarah is a nine-time winner of Austin Best Fiction Writer award. She was recently honored with the University of New Mexico’s 2020 Paul Ré Award for Cultural Advocacy. In 2015 Sarah was one of eight winners selected from 3,800 entries to attend the Meryl Streep Screenwriters’ Lab. Sarah was chosen in 2017 to represent the Austin Public Library as the hologram/greeter installed in the Austin Downtown Library. Sarah was a co-founder of The Writers League of Texas.

She has been an NPR Moth Radio Hour storyteller; a writer for Oprah’s Magazine, NY Times Sunday Magazine and Op Ed columns, Chicago Tribune, Real Simple, Mademoiselle, Glamour, Salon, Daily Beast, Ladies Home Journal, Good Housekeeping, MS, Texas Observer; Alcalde and a columnist for years for Texas Monthly. As a screenwriter, she worked on projects for Warner Bros., Paramount, CBS, National Geographic, Hallmark, ABC, TNT, as well as several independent producers.

She and her husband enjoy open-water swimming and training their corgi puppy not to eat the furniture.

Reviews

[Kip · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes, the plot is blindingly stupid. But Sarah Bird is a comedic GENIUS. Every paragraph in this book is hilarious. Who cares that only the dumbest woman alive would be tricked by the central ruse? I have never cared so little about plot holes and deus ex machina. I laughed hard and often, and still flick through it from time to time almost 20 years after first picking it up.

[Shanna Swendson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of my all-time favorite books, but it's difficult to be objective about it because I don't know how much of my fondness for this book is because of the book itself or because this book almost seems to have been written just for me. I was living in Austin during the period in which the book is set, and I worked for a weekly newspaper one summer. I lived on the edge of the neighborhood where the heroine lives, and so I knew all the places she went. Her post office was my post office, her library branch was my library branch. Plus, I've been to those romance conferences and I know those people. I'm not at all like the heroine and probably would have made different choices than she made, but her life is enough like some things I've been through that I could identify with her. With all that, I can't help but love this book, but I do still think it's a great book beyond that. It has a twist to it that means it becomes a totally different book the next time you read it because reading it with the knowledge of what's really happening changes the story. I love books that do that. It has some fairly profound things to say about love and attraction, fantasy and reality. And it's laugh-out-loud funny.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay, so I wish the title wasn't so embarrassing! Here's the deal: growing up the movie Don't Tell Her It's Me was a family favorite. My parents have been trying to acquire DVD copies of all their VHS tapes (and are off-loading the old VHS). They still have a few that are impossible to find, either not on DVD or out-of-print. So I've been trying to hunt down Don't Tell Her It's Me and searches would always have a DVD entitled The Boyfriend School. I looked into it and realized that when it was released in DVD they released it with the same title as the book. Up until this point I didn't realize that it was a book at all. The DVD is way too expensive, so I ordered the book for my dad for Christmas. He read it and liked it & then lent it to me.

The movie stays pretty true to the book, but of course the book is more nuanced. What I loved about the book is that it takes place in Austin so I was familiar with the streets and locales mentioned. It made me a little homesick for Texas, actually. Also, I have a greater appreciation for the performances of the actors (Shelley Long, Steve Gutenberg, and Jamie Gertz)--they did a good job capturing Bird's characters. Shelley Long really does seem like the ostrich-y Lizzie Potts.

So, definitely not for everyone, but it was fun to read about places I know and to remember this movie that we loved watching growing up.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first Sarah Bird novel I read, and I've been a huge fan of her work ever since. At the time I read this novel, I was a graduate student at UT Austin living below the poverty level, so I could relate to Gretchen's life in her Hyde Park garage apartment. Unlike many of the other readers whose reviews are below, I did not see the film before reading the book and in fact didn't see it until many years later.

In terms of writing style, The Boyfriend School is miles beyond the typical chick lit book. Bird's figures of speech are so hilarious that I found myself reading more slowly just to appreciate them more. Examples:
"it was hot enough inside the car to manufacture pig iron."
"years of aerobics classes had left her with a body so pert and springy that she looked like she'd bounce if tossed from a five-story window. Well, maybe four. I was willing to run some tests."
"My spirits sagged like cheap panty hose."
"With the addition of a speculum and stirrups the [romance novel's] cover might have passed for a pelvic exam in period dress."

This book is so funny that it's hard for me to see how anyone could not like it. The film is OK but is nowhere near as funny as the book.

[Bonnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know why I loved this book, but it was so satisfying. It was just like butterscotch pudding, creamed potatoes, wild rice soup, and a good mattress. It was so fulfilling and comforting. I had the weirdest reaction to this book--maybe it was my mood.

[Teresa Medeiros · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you haven't read Sarah Bird's classic romance THE BOYFRIEND SCHOOL, you probably should. It's one of my favorite contemporary romances of all-time. Originally published in 1989, the book is about Gretchen Griner, an underpaid photographer sent to cover a "Romantic Times-like" conference in Austin, complete with cover models and authors dressed in full Southern belle regalia. There she meets bestselling romance author Lizzie Potts (known as Viveca Lamoureaux to her adoring readers) and romantic chaos ensues as the well-meaning Lizzie decides to fix the cynical Gretchen up with her brother Gus by making him over as the ultimate romance hero.

BONUS MOVIE REVIEW!
One of my readers recently let me know the movie version of THE BOYFRIEND SCHOOL (originally titled DON'T TELL HER IT'S ME) had been released on DVD. While not quite as good as the book, it really is pretty adorable. And it will make you say four words you never thought you would-- "Steve Guttenberg is HOT!" When Gretchen (renamed Emily for the movie) first meets Gus, he is recovering from cancer treatments and is boring, bald and bloated. But the quirky Lizzie (played by Shelley Long before anyone realized she wasn't going to be a big movie star) quickly makes him over into "Lobo," a mysterious Harley-straddling hero with a stubbled jaw and a really fine mullet. If you enjoy a romantic comedy that's romantic, funny and touching. I think you'll love this one! (And did I mention that Steve Guttenberg was really HOT?)

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

A friend loaned me this book and my inital thought was Sarah Bird, romance novel? I really like Sarah Bird as an author and my friend isn't the romance novel type so I plunged right in. I really enjoyed it and had to laugh at myself in recognition when she describes the gripes of many of the authors and the swipes feminists take at the genre. Entertaining and made me rethink my stance (and get off my literary high-horse.)

[Laini · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me want to become a writer. Sarah is the precursor of the modern day "chick lit," and did it better back in the day befor she began branching out. This is also a wonderful curio of Austin, Texas back in the day. My favorite book of all time!!

[Aneca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another book that I had heard much about but that left me completely cold. It's part chick lit and part romance - a very over the top romance. I am yet to decide if what bugged was that it is so unbelievable - really who stays at a crappy job like the one Gretchen has and with a crappy boyfriend like hers? - or if my problem was that half the characters were misleading the other half - really who comes up with a plan like Lizzie's??


The fact that both the romance novelists seemed so plainly caricatures also didn't make me grow fonder of the story. I understand that humour is a very personal thing and I guess I am just not made for this type of humour.


I did read it till the end because despite it all I really liked Gus - even if he went along with that awful plan - and couldn't see what Gretchen thought was so bad about him. In the end I was undecided if she should kick his butt because of what he did or if he should just find someone else because of how shallow she proved to be.

Still, so many people seem to love it that you might enjoy it more than I did.
Grade: 3/5

[Charity · Rating 5 out of 5]

I grew up watching the old 90's movie 'The Boyfriend School' with Steve Guttenberg (now titled Don't Tell Her It's Me). To this day it is still one of my favorite chick flicks, so of course when I found out there was a book I had to read it. Safe to say, I had high expectations for this book and I am so very glad to say it met those expectations. This book is clever and funny. It felt like a real romance, though I don't think the situations were as realistic. Gretchen, our heroine, is so very relatable for the independent woman; her wit was undeniably the best part of the book (that and what whatever Juanita had to say). The book itself is very well written, especially when the different accents come into play. I don't want to spoil too much, so I'll just say read it. You won't regret it.

[Rosalind James · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read all of Sarah Bird's books, I think, starting with her first, "Alamo House," also a winner, and I actually like that and this one the best. This is basically a gentle satire of a romance novel. The heroine is stuck in a job she dislikes and has a loser boyfriend. She makes a friend who is a college professor and, discreetly, a romance author. She attends a romance conference with her friend and thinks, "How hard can this be?" (Harder than she thinks.) Her friend sets her up with her brother, and it doesn't go well. And then things take a romance-novel turn, which was just funny and terrific. Not really a HEA ending, but you can project your own. Because it isn't a romance novel. But it's terrifically funny, and I was particularly tickled by the "romance-industry" part of it. Sarah Bird is a great writer, and I love this lighter stuff that she did early on.

[Gingub Gravette · Rating 4 out of 5]

the reason this book belongs in my confessional is due to the movie (which i have not even seen) and the phenomenon that is guttenburg! steve guttenburg in a mullet no less (be forewarned if you google the movie poster). he just had to go there and ruin it for me after-the-fact. i was having a blast reading this story - those who openly or secretly love their romance novels - would love the hilarious behind the scenes adventures of a romance novel writers convention. fun breezy and if you can just block out visions of the gutte - a good summer read.

UPDATE: starting to think i have multiple personalities due to amount of books i am reading simultaneously

[Rebecca Dean · Rating 5 out of 5]

PROBABLY the best book I have ever read. I loved it from page one until the surprise, until the end. A movie was made from this book called "Don't Tell Her It's Me" with Steve Gutenberg, but they totally ruined the "surprise" in the movie, but I forgave them, because it would have been a little hard to film it.

Anyway, highly recommend it. Sarah Bird is a TRUE TALENT

I first read this book in 1991 when it came out in hardback and I have read it a few times since.

My latest reading was this summer and it was just as fun this time!

LOVED IT!

[Katie R. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This took me a couple of days to get into... not because it was bad, I just kept getting distracted. I finally got into it yesterday, and well, couldn't put it down. My mom was the one who told me to read it; she said it was hilarious, and it was. There was a HUGE plot twist, I was practically dying. I'm definitely going to read this again. Oh, and it made me think of my aunt, Samantha Kane. Muahaha. Her "romances" are a bit different, but either way...

[Lynnette · Rating 5 out of 5]

YOu need to read this before you go to the conference in Dallas. There is a great description by the protagonist, who starts out as a cynical outsider to the world of romance lit, and gets sucked in during the conference...

[Whitaker · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really great book shows us how everything is great and worth to die for

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very meta/post-modern in its take on romance novels.

I enjoyed aspects of it, but probably would've liked it more if I didn't read it while on vicodin from a killer headache. It happens.

[Girl1894 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably my favorite book about true love. Wonderfully funny too.

[blake · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up on a lark after realizing there was a (almost unwatchable) movie made from it in 1990 with Jami Gertz, Steve Guttenberg and Shelly Long, and it's actually quite good. It was interesting to read this so close on the heels of the dreadful The Life and Loves of a She Devil, because it works as a rebuttal (whatever the intention was).

The story is that a scatterbrained 20-something photojournalist, Gretchen, in a casual relationship with her editor (who openly cheats on her) is set up romantically with a brother of a friend whom she's not attracted to, but who (with help) reshapes himself into something more appealing to her.

This happens because Gretchen goes to a Romance Novelist convention for a photo essay and discovers that there is more to romance novels than an urbane upturned nose is willing to sniff out, and she ends hanging out with Lizzie and Juanita, two of the biggest names in the biz. (There is a third writer as well, but she kind of vanishes.) And Gretchen decides to try her hand at writing a romance novel.

This is possibly the '80s-ist storyline ever. The '80s: When Romance Novels blackened the plains.

And they were pretty good, really. Obviously, I'm not the demographic, but I read (and wrote) a few, and they were competently written with plots that made sense (in context)—certainly better than certain bestsellers that get cranked out today. And the argument Bird makes here is that they're aspirational.

Faye Weldon's book is about a will-to-power, to endure constant agony so that you can make those you feel wronged you suffer, because any idea of love is an illusion. Bird's book says, yes, it's an illusion, but what is real about us and how we feel, anyway? We can be (and are) seduced by superficial things, but if someone does those superficial things for you—is that not as real as any aspect of reality?

Isn't that, in fact, what we use art (and fiction specifically) for? To create illusions that may serve as a template for reality (even if only in the negative, to figure out what we don't want)?

Anyway, the main character is basically likable, if very flawed and sometimes uncomfortably dishonest. (Which actually dovetails nicely with the whole overarching theme of the book.) The story drifts a bit, because the character drifts a bit, but mostly that didn't bother me, because the drift included various interesting characters that reflected back on Gretchen's plight.

Ironically, it's "The Boyfriend School" section itself that is the weakest (and I think the central focus of the movie, heh), as we switch from Gretchen's perspective to Gus's. I'm not sure it felt super-authentic but I'm also not sure how Bird could've done it differently.

Things snap back into focus in the final few pages, though, and Bird brings everything to a satisfying conclusion, if not one suitable for the Romance genre.

A fine read.

[Alex Shrugged · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a satire on romance novels that is itself a romantic comedy. It was fun and funny. It also carries a lot of local flavor since it takes place in Austin, Texas and the author makes reference to a lot of the local streets, scenes and characters in the area.

This book was made into a movie (which I saw first) entitled variously as "The Boyfriend School" or "Don't Tell Her It's Me" (1990) starring Steve Gutenberg. The movie was funny and I watch it every once in a while when I need a laugh. It is typical of the genre of romantic comedies of those days. It was predictable, but no worse off for being so.

The book is not quite the same as the movie, but all the major elements are there.

The story: Gretchen is an aspiring photographer-reporter working for a failing local newspaper and who is a woman failing at love. She has no problem getting boyfriends, but they are just no good. She is looking for someone who is good, wholesome and filled with integrity. Enter Gus, who is all of those things but is still recovering from cancer treatment and currently looks dumpy and weak. He makes a pass at Gretchen, but she fails to respond. Gretchen has been assigned to cover the Love-Bor-ee conference of romance novelists and befriends a number of romance novelists who cook up a scheme to turn Gretchen into a romance novelist herself and to demonstrate to her that what women SAY they want in a man is not always what they go for. They turn Gus into a vision of the man that Gretchen wants, a rootless wanderer, and biker bad boy, while giving her what she needs, a good, wholesome man with integrity... even if he has to lie to get the girl he wants.

Any problems with this story? The problems seemed to be structural. Most of the focus was on Gretchen rather than on Gus which sort of contradicted the title, "The Boyfriend School". I would have expected most of the focus to be on Gus who needed to be made into the perfect man. That happened much later in the novel. The movie corrects this structural flaw, but then renamed the movie, "Don't Tell Her It's Me" which hid this aspect of the story. They changed the title back later on.

FYI, some of the names changed from book to movie. Gretchen Griner turned into Emily Pear. Gus Kubiak turned into Gus Kubicek. His alter ego, Rye St. John, turned into Lobo Marunga in the movie. Lizzie Potts remained the same.

Any modesty issues? Sure. The F-word was used. Unmarried sex without any intention of marriage was depicted although not in detail. Some of the romance novel excerpts were fairly steamy. Gretchen's romance novelist friends told her that pornography was not her goal in writing. She shouldn't write so plainly.

The ending was as cute but not the same as the movie. Books can do some things easily that movies cannot... like express how the characters feel at any given moment.

I'd like to read this book again, and watch the movie again just to make a comparison.

[Sharondblk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Somewhere between 3 and 4 stars.
This book is ridiculous. Or maybe it's satire. I'm really not sure. One of the great pleasures of this book was that, as chick-lit published in 1989 it felt like time travel. People looking for public phones and smoking inside and writing a novel on a typewriter. It was very cute. The approach to sex in the workplace is not cute, although it is treated as such. The language is interesting, with some use of words we really wouldn't use in that context now (like spastic). There is also a lot of describing of the bodies and clothes of people who just happen to be there and aren't even characters.
The plot requires quite a high level of "go with it" It takes more that 3 months to become an unrecognisable hottie, why was she with Trout at all? why was she working for free? I doubt an unpublished author without having finished a book would get a $35000 advance but I'm not going to Google it Gretchen was pretty annoying, being a useless human being, but other people are there to pick up the pieces. Actually, now I think about it she has no hobbies, no friends (one gets mentioned once), no family - her parent get mentioned once, but only in a lie. Oh, and the lying. She lies reflexively. Just lies all the time.
Weirdly then, I still enjoyed it. It's quirky and odd and was on Kindle Unlimited.

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had watched the movie before reading this book, so I went into it with a sort of expectation. As usual, the book took a different turn than the sappy, feel-good movie. Sarah Bird's quick wit and wry humor had me laughing at many moments, it hit relationships in the gut very realistically even with its premise of a charade of romance, and the smaller details within the more poignant emotional situations showed that there exists a world outside of romance. I was a little jaded at the ending, however, because it pitted Gus as continuing in a charade possibly or else just becoming very arrogant.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

First - I love Sarah so much and somehow missed this book - being a long time Austinite and being as this was set in the 80s I found so much familiar. fun and funny and kind of an eye - opener into what is referred to as the "bodice ripper" circuit. Great quirky characters and some real laugh out loud dialogue.

[Deb Lancaster · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decades ago I saw the film and it stuck with me, partly because of Steve Gutenberg and partly because it was so odd. A podcast the other day informed me it was originally a book. So here we are. It's still odd, but less so. It's more enjoyable than the film. The most accurate description is "of its time".

[Paige Wills · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is hysterical and I recommend if you are in want of a laugh. The protagonist has such a clear voice and funny observations. I want to be her friend. It also takes place in Austin so there are all the wonderful references to Hyde Park and the drive on 2222. Fun read.

[L B · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this, and found much of it quite funny, but never could get over the main character's unfathomable choice of boyfriend/boss at the beginning. The phrase "get yourself tested" kept popping up in my brain.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this when I was in high school. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very fun!

[Karen Evans · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rated it a C- as a novel, but a B- as a Harlequin romance novel.

[Jenny Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this a long time ago, but remember loving it. Inventive plot, fun characters. Definitely going to check out more by this author, as she has written a lot in the ensuing years.

[Charlotte]

Loved this book. One of the funniest ones I have read.