The Peacemaker: Handling Conflict Without Fighting Back or Running Away - Student Edition

by Ken Sande, Kevin Johnson

Tragic confrontations at schools throughout the past two decades are striking evidence that teens need help and training in peaceful conflict resolution. God knows each conflict a teen goes through--with their families, friends, and teachers--and he is in control. In this student edition of The Peacemaker, Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson show teens, youth leaders, parents, and pastors, how they can apply biblical principles to conflict situations, allowing for forgiveness and reconciliation instead of hatred or violence. With an approachable style that treats teens with respect, this much-needed resource can be used individually or as part of a small group or youth group study.

Genres: Christian, Counselling, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Theology, Leadership, Relationships

177 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 1990

About the author

Ken Sande is the founder of Peacemaker Ministries and president of a new ministry, Relational Wisdom 360. Trained as a mechanical engineer and lawyer, Ken is passionate about bringing the life-changing power of the gospel into the lives of Christians and their churches. He has used biblical peacemaking principles to minister to parties in hundreds of conflicts ranging from simple personal disputes to complex legal conflicts. He is the author of The Peacemaker, which has been translated into 15 languages, and has written numerous books, articles, and training resources on biblical conflict resolution and relational wisdom. He is a Certified Christian Conciliator, an Editorial Advisor for Christianity Today International’s Church Management Team, and a Certified Emotional Intelligence Instructor. He and his wife, Corlette, are delighted to be grandparents and love to hike with their family in the mountains near their home in Billings, Montana.

Reviews

[Haley Annabelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains fabulous biblical peacemaking principles. As I read it weekly, I was amazed in the way that God used each chapter in my life. Almost every chapter came at exactly the opportune time. This is a book that I will surely refer back to many times both in my personal life and in counseling.

My only complaint is that Ken Sande’s perspective in writing this book is much different than I expected going in. It is definitely a book written more for those involved in material disputes rather than extreme sin issues. Hence, the chapter on church discipline is not entirely biblical.
Overall, would definitely recommend!

[Abbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource on working through conflict in a biblical way. I know I will be returning to it again and again!

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading for life. Also we did it guys. I read 5 books in 3 days. If we don’t talk about the books in class at all tho I will be so defeated.

[Bambi Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, practical, guidebook solidly based on Biblical principles. Covers root causes of conflict (with anyone, including a spouse), communication, what Biblical forgiveness is, consequences of unforgiveness, example after example of grace-filled reconciliations, sinful tactics we use to avoid loving confrontation, why conflict is full of opportunity and much more. Extremely thorough. I skimmed parts on court litigations.

[Jossy Suleivy Ramos · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read this book a total of 3 times, one me and husband other a book study with friends, and the other for biblical counseling class. I had never read a book that was detailed so well when it came to dealing with conflict, and helped me to view it biblically. Teaches how to make peace biblically in your relationships but also in regards to our relationship to God. It’s truly amazing and I refer to it a lot.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my second time through Ken Sande's "The Peacemaker." It is an absolute must read for any Christian leader... and frankly, any mature Christian. Sande's book is robust theologically and immensely practical. It would be great to see a new edition come out as there could be some updates, and it could probably benefit from a little shortening, but overall, this book has been so helpful to me personally and in my ministry.

For more reviews see thebeehive.live.

[Breanna DesRuisseau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book, I highly recommend. Really helpful.

[Zachary Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstanding insights from Sande on what it looks like for the redeemed to walk through resolving conflicts, and living life that seeks to be at peace with all men meaningfully. An every saint read.

[Bob Price · Rating 3 out of 5]

Conflict is inevitable. You put two people in a room and you will get at least five different opinions on something and they will fight.

Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker is designed to help resolve conflict and be restored to one another. The concept may seem simple, and a lot of what Sande says is common sense, but it is still a book that should be required reading, especially in the church.

Sande's main point is that God hates conflict and that we should do whatever we can to resolve conflict. Or, in other words, Jesus meant it when he said, "Blessed are the peacemakers".

His method is very simple: (1) Get the log out of your own eyes. For true conflict resolution to occur, we need to do some self examination on our part to understand how we contribute to the conflict. (2) Talk to the person you are having conflict with. Truly talk to them and try to restore the relationship as quickly as you can. (3) Restore gently. If necessary, you may need to take people along with you to help in conflict resolution. For those who may be wondering, Sande does base his method on Matthew 18.

This book is written mainly for Christians, although I think non-Christians may benefit from the general precepts Sande proposes in the book.

Sande's writing is very clear and very practical. This would make an ideal book for a book or study group.

I highly recomend this book for all Christians, especially pastors.

Grade: B+

[David Zimmerman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I purchased my first copy of The Peacemaker off a discount shelf. I figured I had little to lose at 75% off the cover price. Since then, I have purchased and given away many copies of this wonderful book. It is the best resource I own on resolving conflict biblically AND successfully. After 30 years in full-time ministry, it is still on my Top Reads.

The strength of The Peacemaker is that it avoids the all-too-common trend of presenting humanistic principles of psychology dressed up in religious garb for Christian readers. Instead, it demonstrates the depth and sufficiency of God's grace for equipping Christians to be peacemakers - resolving conflicts, forgiving offenders, and reconciling relationships in a Christ-exalting manner. It issues a call to Christians to live by grace and confidently follow the clear principles God has given us in the New Testament.

You don't need a degree in psychology to understand The Peacemaker. The biblical principles are presented clearly and simply. Every Christian would benefit from reading this book. Twenty years from now, its content will be just as fresh and relevant as the day it was first published, because it presents the timeless principles of Scripture.

[Nicholas Potts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book! Deals both with theory and practicals, too often books give either one or the other, but in a counseling book you need both.

[Nyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

woohooo finally finished this one!! ty summer book club for reading with me and discussing weekly in place of sunday school <3 spent many months finishing this one and there is a LOT of good applicable content, so I feel like I need to go back and write a summary for myself or something HAHAHA. and wish I had read this book a long time ago; I could've used a lot of help in peacemaking. 10/10 highly recommend

[Levi Friesen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gospel centered and practical. A great guide to read to consider the scope of conflict and its solution(s).

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book! It is an excellent summary of biblical teaching on living in peace with others. So good and helpful.

[Dedzidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5 stars.

Killing two birds with one stone here! Reading as part of my biblical counseling book list and as a supplement to Sunday school class.

Its magnum opus (at least for me) close to the beginning, that “conflict is an opportunity” sticks with you. How many people actually see conflict as an opportunity to God’s glory and our good? I’d say, not many of us. We see it as a nuisance. A hindrance or roadblock in the way of living our lives for the Lord. Yet it is an opportunity. Albeit challenging, handling conflict biblically and not worldly is a way to be faithful to and glorify our Father who is in heaven (Matt 5:13-16). And this book is chock full of biblical principles to help guide believers to more biblically resolve conflicts with one another.

Gave this title 4 stars, though I know I’ll be using it as a reference guide personally. Firstly, since it was last updated in 2004, it could probably use another update to account for the digital transformation in its examples. Not a dealbreaker since the principles can and do still shine though. Secondly, I do feel that on its own, this book can lean a bit myopic with its emphasis on peace-making. But rightly and expectedly so, it IS in the book’s name.

Nonetheless, if understood to be one piece of the puzzle in promoting all facets of biblical discipleship and fellowship with one another in the church for the purpose of growing together in Christ-likeness, then this book adds much to those efforts.

[Carrie Brownell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm giving this book 4 stars and not 5 for a simple reason: it's a good resource in the hands of a faithful, humble Christian and a weapon in the hands of a person who isn't.

This book came highly recommended to me (years ago) and I finally got around to reading it. It has very good advice for how to handle interpersonal conflicts with others. There are excellent scriptural reminders that it is important to resolve conflict. Tips on how to approach a difficult conversation with whom you are at odds or how to control body motion, etc. are all spot on. However, if you read the book too "religiously" it can make it seem like every time you disagree with another person on any matter at all (i.e., beef vs. veggies for dinner) you are probably going to be launched into a conflict that needs solving. (And maybe some people do need this so I went ahead and gave the book 4 stars instead of the 3 that I originally leaned toward. Vegans can be fiesty people, I've noticed.) However, ye olde average Christian, I think, could read this and want to start practicing "resolution" all over the place and begin to take things too far. I have to give a word of caution that this book is a tool for healthy interaction but not a guide to how to perceive everything in light of our day-to-day disagreements and personal preferences. Take heed, Reader, least you fall into the temptation of thinking that everything about everything constantly needs to be discussed.

Will we live in this world peacefully with all? No. Or, at least, not all of the time. We aren't called to be at peace absolutely but "in so much as it is possible." When in conflict, it is good to know how to approach it wisely and productively. When standing at the door of conflict, it's sometimes a glory to overlook the matter. It requires a lot of thoughtful prayer sometimes to know which is which. So long as this is remembered by the reader, I could recommend the read.

[Autumn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent principles to apply to every conflict. For moms this guide is the best parenting book. Conflict abounds in EVERY relationship, the better we handle the small conflicts the better equipped we will be for the big ones.

Took off a star from my previous 5 star rating because 1) badly needs an update to address and incorporate technology (email, text, social media) that is heavily used in 2021, and 2) a couple of areas Sande was very unclear in his teaching this became more apparent as I went through the book in a group setting.

[Noah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This may be the best book on conflict resolution I’ve read. Very biblical and practical. If read carefully and implemented, this would promote a Peacemaker mindset that would benefit any pastor, or person who interacts with people. So... everyone!

[Katherine B. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would love to start an editing organization where Christian authors come to us to find out how they could cut 100 pages from their books. As Professor Dickson once said, "Concision is key!"

Update: The concise version is Resolving Everyday Conflict

[Douglas Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good.

[Daniel Bouchoc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good! This will be my go-to recommended resource for conflict resolution.

[Jon Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ken Sande’s practical book, The Peacemaker, will teach the average layman all the way up to the powerful executive what it means to follow in the steps of the Prince of Peace. In a down-to-earth way, Sande explores what the Bible has to say about peacemaking, while at the same time interjecting his own powerful personal and career-related experience to demonstrate its applicability. Did you know that the central message of the Bible is that of making peace between parties adverse to each other? Is this not what the Father himself did in making those who were contrary to Him reconciled through the blood of His Son? For the Christian, being a peacemaker is a non-negotiable. As the author rightly points out, “Christians are the most forgiven therefore we should be the most forgiving.”

In the introduction to Sande’s book, he gives his reason for writing. “This book is designed to help you become this kind of peacemakeer [i.e. emulating Christ]. It provides a simple yet comprehensive approach to resolving conflict. Because this approach is based solidly on God’s Word, it is effective in every type of conflict.” Sande is correct when he characterizes his book as Word-driven. Just about every page you’ll read is chalk-filled with references demonstrating their origin in Scripture.

One of the major passages Sande uses to get his point across is James 4:1 which aks, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?” The author correlates this passage with Matthew 15:19 showing that conflict is ultimately produced by heart motivations. He writes, “These passages describe the root cause of conflict: unmet desires in our hearts. Wen we want something and feel that we will not be satisfied unless we get it, that desire starts to control us. If others fail to meet our desires, we sometimes condemn them in our hearts and fight harder to get our own way.” I think it is fair to say that without understanding this principle, nothing else in the book will make sense, the application will be unattainable, and ultimately God will not be in whatever remedy is chosen. The root problem in all conflict is rightly placed at the feet of a particular “idol(s)” by the author. “Conflict always begins with some kind of desire. . . Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts” eventually being justified and demanded.

So then, what is the remedy for this damning conflict ridden problem we all seem to possess? Sande proposes a replacement strategy that starts with dethroning our idol of choice. We must first “Repent before God,” cultivate a “Fear” of God, “Love God,” “Trust God”, and “Delight in God.” This may seem daunting at first but as we can observe, there is a common element to each step. The object of our action is always rooted in the Lord. I would like to suggest that Sande isn’t necessarily proposing a strict step by step process in which there are no relations to previous and later steps. He is proposing a simultaneous attitude that acknowledges God’s character and actions. Before providing a useful heart diagnostic at the end of the chapter entitled Conflict Starts in the Heart, Sande summarizes:

James 4:1-3 provides a key principle for understanding and resolving conflict. Whenever we have a serious dispute with others, we should always look carefully at our own hearts to see whether we are being controlled by unmet desires that we have turned into idols. These desires love to disguise themselves as things we need or deserve, or even as things that would advance God’s kingdom. But no matter how good or legitimate a desire may look on the surface, if we have gotten to te point where we cannot be content, fulfilled, or secure unless we have it, that desire has evolved into an idol that has diverted our love and trust from God.


Lest someone should think that the Peacemaker is all about correcting personal sin, let me affirm the fact that this work also provides a complete strategy for dealing with multiple party conflicts, even if you are not identified with one of the parties, or are involved but have not done anything necessarily wrong.

When an individual is a party to a conflict, Sande maintains that they have six possible negative responses to choose from — denial, flight, suicide, assault, litigation, or murder — and three basic obedient responses to select from — overlooking, reconciliation, or negotiation. Denial usually results in “temporary relief” making matters worse. Fleeing conflict usually postpones a solution to a given problem, suicide is “never right,” physical or emotional abuse “always makes conflict worse,” Litigation “usually damage[s] relationships and often fail[s] to achieve complete justice,” and murder is a direct violation of God’s commandments. What really needs to be done according to the author, is enact “peacemaking responses.” Overlooking an offense has direct endorsement from the Scripture itself. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” Reconciliation is likewise given a biblical stamp of approval in the Sermon on the Mount. Christ instructs, “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” Negotiation or “arbitration” as its form eventually can take, is expanded on in Paul’s letter to the Philippians (2:4). When in a conflict we should look out for “the interests of others.” When mediating, or arbitrating a conflict in which other parties unrelated to us are involved (following the Matthew 18 process), we must realize our job is to “improve communication and offer biblical counsel.” Sande goes into much detail concerning what this biblical counsel entails, but it can all be summed up in the Gospel. “The key to changing the way we deal with conflict is the gospel.” We “reflect the glory of God’s reconciling love in the midst of conflict.”

All in all, this work has many strengths. It does effectively teach the Biblical principles behind biblical counseling. The only criticism I would personally harbor is very slight. I believe Sande could have done a better job at exegeting biblical texts and using better biblical translations. I do realize that he is trying to reach a broad audience however, so part of this is understandable. Even without a lot of deep exegesis, Sande does seem to “rightly interpret” all the texts he utilizes. I would recommend this book to anyone struggling with conflict.

[Mignon funVuuren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is an excellent biblical guide for dealing with conflict within various settings. Overall 3.9⭐️’s

Firstly, there were some themes that I felt could use some better scholarly interpretation and theological backing, although this wouldn’t matter to an every-day reader. I just tend to think very systematically when it comes to any biblical guide or devotional book.

Apart from that, the guidelines presented by Sande were very solid, and at times extremely challenging. Whenever I felt personally attacked, I knew it was because of an area in which I personally lacked, and this book lovingly forced me to deal with a lot of trauma and my relationships with others in a healthy and Bible-based way.

Can confidently affirm that anyone who picks up this book will gain new perspective on conflict, while developing a very healthy worldview on the matter.

[Alice Barnard · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Peacemaker by Ken Sande was not that appealing to me until I heard a lecture by the author. I was struck by the far-reaching implications of peacemaking and was motivated to read the book as part of my biblical counseling class. The value of the book lies in its emphasis on the gospel of Jesus Christ as the foundation for true peacemaking. The author gives many practical examples of peacemaking in action that the reader can apply to various situations. There is also an explicit, step by step method for beginning and ending the peacemaking process which leaves virtually no stone unturned in resolving conflict between two parties. Do you have friends and family? You need this book. All humans who come in contact with other humans will have conflict on various levels. This book helps you have healthy relationships by resolving conflict with biblical wisdom.

[Collin Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was excellent! Thoroughly biblical and practically helpful. In fact, one of the only issues I had was that there was an overload of practicality lol.

I will definitely be returning to this for reference and recommend highly for anyone going through conflict.

4.5 stars

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is biblical and incredibly practical. I think it will be an invaluable resource and I found myself wishing I had read it prior to past conflicts.

That being said, my reason for four stars is that it is a bit of a slog in some parts and I really had to push myself to continue reading it. I think it could be very helpful read and discussed with a group slowly.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful book. I should reread it several times!

[millie · Rating 4 out of 5]

good theology, scripture saturated, highly applicable

[Lynnette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book would be helpful for every Christian to read and ponder. There are so many practical tools for getting along with people! The author’s philosophies are clearly founded on Scripture which he supplies in abundance. It is well formatted for group study or as an individual read. The questions at the end of each chapter are challenging and inspire immediate application. I found myself applying some of these principles even in small everyday ways and it’s definitely improved my communication skills and motives.

[Malia Patterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book with very practical advice. I think I would have preferred more of a focus on the heart and beliefs that lead to the practical advice rather than remembering a 5 step process