I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives – An Empathetic Expert Guide to Betrayal, Rejection, and When to Let Go

by F. Diane Barth

An expert's rich exploration of the intense, complicated landscape of women's friendships.

“Do I have enough friends?” “Why did my friendship end?” and “What makes a good friendship work?"

These are questions that F. Diane Barth, a psychotherapist widely recognized for her expertise in women’s relationships, fields all the time. In I Know How You Feel , she draws out engaging stories from a lively and diverse cast of women, many of whom speak about feelings they haven't shared before. She explores how life changes affect women's friendships in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Interweaving examples from classic women’s literature to chick flicks, she provides grounded advice on how to manage betrayal and rejection, how to deal with a narcissistic or bossy friend, what to do when your best friend and your family don’t get along, how to let go of a friendship that has stopped working, and much more. A timely, empathetic guide for women in their twenties to their sixties and beyond.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Psychology, Relationships, Friendship, Self Help, Mental Health

256 pages, Hardcover

First published February 6, 2018

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

For decades, NYC psychotherapist F. Diane Barth has specialized in women’s counseling and studies. Our valuable and vital connections to others are explored in “I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives” . Over time as women mature and experience personal growth development, the changes and impacts of women’s friendship are significant.

In our mobile and fast paced society, it seems to be a rarity to maintain friendships developed in childhood, yet there were women that maintained these long term friendships. Younger women were more likely to experience “Twinning” according to Barth where the friends are as close as sister’s—they think alike, act alike with the same personality thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. Twinning is likely to be outgrown though. At 60, one woman reported that her friendships were not as intense and were more like a “comfy cushion” and very satisfying. Barth listed many examples of how women’s friendships evolved over time, and also how exciting it was to resume contact in a close friendship where there had been no or little contact for years, yet the friendship bond picked up where it left off.

Both men and women value the same qualities in friendships: loyalty, dependability, fun, trustworthiness. Friendships with men filled in the gaps, and Millennials seemed more comfortable in maintaining platonic relationships.
The not so pleasant side of friendship was covered: betrayal, disillusionment, sexual tension, misunderstandings, rejection and the reasons women feel at such a loss when a best friendship ends. A story continued throughout the book over the loss of a best friend who slept with her husband, the divorce, remarriage, and the maintenance of relationships due to the fact of children were involved. Included were many coping strategies listed as women navigated difficult circumstances related to widowhood, or when their friends were too self-centered, narcissistic, bossy, demanding or had more serious issues related to alcohol, substance abuse, eating disorders or psychological problems.

There were many sources of literature, motivation and self-help books listed. The Dance of Anger Harriet Lerner (2014)—also “On Death and Dying” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1997) and many others. This is an important book and isn’t overly long or weighted down with data, statistics, or uninteresting studies and long rambling stories. ** With thanks and appreciation to Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company for sponsoring the Goodreads Giveaway’s that made this review possible.

[Rachelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. I didn’t agree with everything. Certain things didn’t ring true with my experience of female friendships.

Something that did resonate was her description of how women often deny anger or hold grudges. And “when we express anger, we often do so in a less-than-productive way that leaves us feeling helpless, powerless, and self-critical.” Her suggestion is to keep developing our feeling muscles and share these feelings with close friends, who might help us remain objective and not play the victim (or at least not for too long).

[Lori · Rating 2 out of 5]

Before: I won an advanced copy through Goodreads and the publisher and I can't wait to get it because the older I get the less I think I understand. My female friendships are very important to me. Aren't we all a little Complicated?
During: So far this book is a little scattered and mostly seems to be focused at moms. There are plenty of women without husbands or children and female friendships are important for them as well.
The book also jumps around a lot. One minute she's talking about giving advice to a friend and the next it's about narcissistic friends, it seems disorganized.
Repetitive.

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A scholarly examination of the way in which women's friendships differ from men's, this book seeks to provide insight into how and why friendships occur and change. I'm not entirely certain that the author achieved this goal. She used a meta-analysis of media (including TV shows like "Gilmore Girls") and interviews to reach her conclusions.

I found the chapters on boundaries and grief to be most enlightening, as they examined the importance of setting boundaries on both sides of a friendship and also of how to handle grief if a friendship ends (as many inevitably do).

Don't look for vast enlightenment here, but do look for an interesting overview.

[Kerry]

I looked forward to this book, but something about the tone put me off--every time I wondered if it was my mood or attention, but I finally realized several issues were impeding my enjoyment of the book:
1) the anecdotes didn't add to the information; they interrupted, instead.
2) this book focused more on the "heartbreak" aspects of women's friendship--I wanted to know more about why women's friendships work and why they're so beautiful when they do. I was expecting more of a celebration of women's friendship rather than an examination of all that can go wrong in friendships.
3). the book throws a lot of info at you without really dealing in depth with it and taking you step-by-step through; it feels like the author had a bunch of information to incorporate but didn't really know how to structure it or present it in a logical manner.

One other reviewer said the book focuses a lot on mommy friendships, which ultimately encouraged me to let this book go. Clearly, I am not the audience for the book nor of the main interest of the "research" conducted.

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just shy of my 21st birthday, I was told by a woman, seven years my senior, that she "had enough friends" and would only add "acquaintances" from that point on. I was surprised at her comment because first, I hadn't been thinking we were becoming friends; second, I wasn't really interested in becoming her friend; third, was she considering me a candidate for the "acquaintance" category?; and fourth, who thinks about having "enough friends" anyway? Like prunes, did she think, "Two are too few, and six, too many?" Despite my immature perspective at the time (and my unexpressed indignation that I might be relegated to the substandard "acquaintance" category,) the distinction has always lingered on the edge of my thinking about relationships.

What is it about women's friendships that so many find intriguing or mysterious? Interviewing many women and imbedding professional research that clarifies and extends those women's thoughts, Barth has written a book in which most women will find a glimpse or two of themselves. From elementary school through high school and college, through careers and marriage and babies and staying single without children and changing circumstances, Barth chronicles what marks women's friendships, the complexity, the fulfillment, the discomfort, "solace and frustration, heartbreak and joy."

I don't think there are any revelations to her findings, although some women interviewed expressed they were sharing thoughts out loud for the first time. I do think some readers will feel their decisions about friendships are affirmed. There is no boilerplate about numbers or how often you see each other, what you talk about, or for how long. A few things are key such as trust and paying attention to the small details in our friends' lives. Barth also offers suggestions about handling some of the challenges of friendship such as conflict, rejection and loss. Who knew there was so much betrayal and rejection among women beyond junior high? Eeesh!

While there were no surprises, the book was reassuring. We change over time, and our friendships change with us. Women are wired to connect and thus, we can look forward to making new friends, different friends throughout our lives. As the Girl Scout round I once sang goes, "Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver, and the other is gold."

[Elizabeth Jabs · Rating 1 out of 5]

That felt like therapy 101 and was…very bad !

[Cynthia Edge · Rating 2 out of 5]

The idea of this book seemed interesting. When I was flipping through it at the library, I could relate to snippets here and there about friendships and wanted to learn more. But, I felt like this book didn't really enlighten me much, and the anecdotes were so short that they weren't really interesting either. Just kind of boring and repetitive.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thoughtful book by seasoned psychoanalyst F. Diane Barth, based on interviews with other women ( their names and other details are altered for anonymity). One interesting section is on when a woman should or shouldn't let a friendship end, and how this decision might vary according to individual needs and wants. Another point is that we may need to broaden our definition of friendship -- if a friendship is fulfilling for us, even if it is meeting in a reading group once a month, it may not need to meet a traditional definition. The issue of sexual tension in friendship is also discussed -- many people avoid some friendships due to this issue, and others do not. Dealing with cliques -- from the inside or outside -- and the adolescent phenomenon of "twinning" are handled differently as women age -- many women begin to say "no" to overly demanding or intrusive friends and cliques, while others remain friends but begin standing up to bossy, intrusive friends. Another common issue is "splitting," where a friend facing a conflict between two other people might preserve one relationship by casting one friend as all good and the other as all bad. This may or may not be a healthy way of coping depending on the relationship. An especially valuable section deals with the question of discovering one's own role in conflicts with friends. This does not mean that the problem is one's own fault. But a good question to ask is what there is about oneself that may have contributed to a conflict and might help to deal with it or to avoid getting in a similar situation in the future.

[T.L. Cooper · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I first saw I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women's Lives by F. Diane Barth on the Amazon Vine Program page, I scrolled on past. I didn't think it applied to me. My friendships are... just fine. Then I started thinking about it and ended up back on the page ordering it. I'm so glad I did. While there wasn't all that much that I didn't know or hadn't surmised from my own life experience, Barth gave me a different perspective on what the knowledge and experience I had actually meant. Barth writes in a tone that feels a bit like having a conversation with a friend. She even includes a bit of friendly advice at the end of each chapter with her "what you can do" section. As I read I Know How You Feel, my thoughts traveled back over my entire life in an attempt to better understand all the friendships I've had with women over the years. Barth touches on the emotions, the actions, the beliefs, the expectations, and the thoughts that surround friendships between women and examines how each of these play a role in every friendship women have with one another whether lifelong, for a short period of time, or only at a workplace or organization. I Know How You Feel reminded me that while sometimes I really do know how my women friends feel, other times I only think I do.

[Whitney Brown Fontenot · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is written by a psychologist. She uses references and examples from other pyschologists, books/journals, movies and her patients about their own friendships. She jumped around a lot with different people but I was able to keep up and still found the book very insightful. I feel like every woman could relate to at least one topic mentioned in this book.

I had won this book in a Goodreads Giveaway and it couldn't have happened at a better time in my life. This "season" of friendships that I'm going through is just a normal part of life and what most people go through in their 20's. Sometimes the most closest of friendships grow apart once life starts to happen. There could also be other factors that hinder the relationships such as jealousy, betrayal, and grudges (to name a few). You just have to find the people that understand and are able to find balance in your busy lives. It has also helped me learn my own faults and how I can be a better friend. Even though we mourn our past friendships and hope to rekindle those good times one day, there is still a lot of growing and more fulfilling friendships ahead of us.

[Anna Alapatt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives is a very well written book about women's friendships. Over the past ten years my friend group has grown and shrunk - mostly due to the fact that I was moving abroad multiple times. Upon returning to the US, which coincided with my 30th birthday, I started to feel very differently about my friendships before than I did in the past. Before reading this book, I felt really awful about how much I was struggling to find new friendships - particularly in group classes or meet ups, where I felt I would find a lot of like-minded women. However, after reading this book, I felt so much less alone, because I realized how many other women were experiencing the same exact thing as me! Thank you for this wonderful book F. Diane Barth and all the great work you do!

[Meghan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book as an advanced reader's copy and I was waiting for a book like this to be created. This is the ultimate guide for adolescent socialism. This book provides a full depth analysis on the social problems and complexities that everyone faces everyday and the reasons provided are good thoughts to remember such as social media friends vs. Real Life Friends and the whole chapter on cliques. I highly recommend this book to not only students who continue to struggle with this topic but for teachers and anyone who works with the general public. Who knows this book might save your life!! 5 stars!

[Feng Ouyang · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a man, I wanted to learn more about friendship among women. I expected this book to provide some insight because the author stressed her qualification as a practicing psychologist. This is why I stuck to the book's end, hoping for an overarching summary. However, the book is nothing more than a collection of one-liner testimonials and very short stories. There is no summary, framework, underlying theories, or advice. Especially, there is no discussion on common human behaviors and what is unique to female relationships. And there is no detailed case study even to illustrate one point. Overall, I am very disappointed. It is not a book worth reading.

[Hannah Spangenberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed parts of this book, but most of it felt like a collection of anecdotes. Just when I thought the author was getting into how to approach some relatable issues, there would be several back to back anecdotes with maybe a few lines and steps on how to resolve. I picked up this book hoping to learn how to better communicate with my friends, set boundaries, and have overall healthier relationships, but left feeling like I had read a bunch of random stories that I couldn’t relate to and a few comparisons to Gilmore Girls. I know I have some great friendships, but I could always learn how to improve them. I was hopping for more steps on how to be better person and friend.

[jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

for some reason, reading this book made me feel like I am less of a woman, that I didn’t fit this standard of what a woman is or cares about.

it also made me want to know the racial backgrounds of all the women in her stories. is this just a white woman friendships thing??

female friendships are so complicated and also treasured and I’m sure it’s hard to write this kind of book without giving into tropes, but I found it difficult to glean real takeaways besides “we grow up and our friendships change” and boundaries are important in friendships even if your friend rejects them. both true but I think I knew this before reading this book

[Karen Day · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who is fascinated by women's friendships, I enjoyed this thoughtful and insightful look into the complications, joys and sorrows that women experience with each other. I thought the use of reoccurring characters to extrapolate points was well done. And I especially liked sections (Disillusionment, Betrayal, and Rejection) dealing with the less rosy parts of friendship. Diane Barth has a comfortable, non judgmental writing style that made me reflect on my own friendships over the years. Bravo!

[Betty Mintz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found the book insightful and relevant to my personal friendships. I have a friend with an eating disorder and now have a better understanding of her situation. Ms. Barth discusses how friends from childhood are links to the past and help one remember her parents. For only children such as myself these links are invaluable. Her comments about the sense of loss we feel when a friend dies are relevant to those of us who have lost a friend of any gender.
The book must have taken a huge amount of research. It is extremely well written.

[Marilyn Daggett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was very pleasantly surprised with this read! It was a book I just happened upon at the library, so I had no expectations. But I learned so much about women and their complex friendships. How they change throughout your life, the different purposes they serve, and what influences how your own relationships develop and come and go. The author did a great job of weaving stories she has come across in her psychotherapy practice with research by leaders in the field. I would recommend it to anyone who has ever wondered about what is "normal" in friendships.

[Molly Sutter · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I think this book touched on some ways in which female friendships are special, this book really seemed to be more about the nuances of personalities meeting and meshing (or not) in general. The book touches on a number of topics, including how friendships begin and end, and even what exactly constitutes a friendship--but what I enjoyed most was reflecting on my own female friendships while I read this book.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book was a treat for the mind. Diane Barth is a wonderful writer. She talks clearly and beautifully about all aspects of friendships between women, not just the satisfying and joyful parts. I loved how she organized her investigation into small pieces, so I could pick up the book, read a small section or two and then leave it for awhile to digest what I'd read. The young women in my life should look forward to receiving a copy for Christmas this year!

[Ruby · Rating 3 out of 5]

"It is not always easy to know when to offer advice, when to make an active intervention, when to keep your opinions to yourself and simply offer support and comfort. Or when to simply give up - a solution that could mean leaving a friendship altogether."

:if a woman is going to be my friend, she's going to have to like herself enough to be able to be pleased with me when I'm successful."

[cameron · Rating 3 out of 5]

Frankly I was surprised Io like this book so much but I did. There are some Chapters which simply didn’t apply to my life but the most interesting sections were those dissecting why women’ s friendships are so important to their lives and why they can fade or be outgrown or replaced and how to keep them current if you can. All interesting reading.

[Grumpybookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

This offered an interesting take on the harder parts of female friendship and even offered some suggestions on how to navigate those things.  Some of what is presented is content that is not new, but the tough parts haven't really been focused on in other similar books I've read. Overall enjoyed it.  

[Shanna Mae · Rating 3 out of 5]

My main take away was that there are lots of women have to same concerns and insecurities around friendship as I do. In the chapters about problems that arise in relationships I counted my blessings. All in all a solid book. I didn't learn new things per se, but it was nice to take some time to think about my relationships.

[Aggie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was not only really helpful as to understanding friendships but it also helps you to understand what went wrong with friendships and to learn how to improve the ones you have. I highly recommend it.

[Diane Thayer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of anecdotal evidence in discussing all facets of friendships in women's lives.
Enough research-based evidence to support the stories and supply some solid insight into the inner workings of friends, our need for them and how they shape our lives.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was comforting to read about how many other women experience the same feelings about friendships as they grow older; it really put some things in perspective and I'd recommend it to any woman, young or old :)

[Norma · Rating 1 out of 5]

It was a pick of my book club and I was really looking forward to reading it. I didn’t realize I’d be reading a textbook. Slogged through it to the end. One of the benefits of listening on Audible is that you don’t have to pay attention to all of it if you don’t want to.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this thoughtfully written and thought-provoking book. Helped me understand better how and why my friendships have changed over the years. I would definitely read another book by this author.