The Alphabet of Grief: Words to Help in Times of Sorrow: Affirmations and Meditations

by Andrea Raynor

Find spiritual companionship in these brief but powerful thoughts on the sacred journey of grief.

Chaplain and spiritual counselor Andrea Raynor knows that when the funeral service is over, the friends leave, and the house grows quiet, grief can be overwhelming. In The Alphabet of Grief, she uses the letters of the alphabet as starting points for simple reflections on loss and hope. Each chapter concludes with a meditation and an affirmation--something to do and something to believe.

"I chose each word in this book based on the countless hours I have spent with grieving people. Not only have they have shared with me the pain of loss but they have taught me about the daunting and sometimes mysterious journey of living."
--Andrea Raynor in The Alphabet of Grief

Genres: Grief, Self Help, Nonfiction

160 pages, Hardcover

First published September 5, 2017

Reviews

[Taryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

My beautiful, sweet, kind, generous mother passed away a little over a month ago. It's hard to believe the Earth is still turning without my mom in it! Occupying my mind by watching movies or listening to music is like stepping into an emotional minefield, so I decided to turn to books. Looking through the long list of books on grief is overwhelming. I knew I was looking for something specific, but I didn't know what that specific thing was. I'm fortunate that The Alphabet of Grief managed to separate itself from the pack, because it ended up being exactly what I needed. From the introduction: "Most don’t want a treatise on grief. They don’t want to be educated, particularly, and they certainly don’t want platitudes. They want a few simple thoughts or images to hold on to, a few stepping-stones across the river of sadness. The Alphabet of Grief was written for this purpose: to offer simple but thoughtful reflections to ease the isolation and loneliness of grief." I'm not ready to follow all of the advice yet, but the author reiterates that's okay; there's no timeline. Even so, it was helpful to add the tips to my "mental toolbox" for later use.

[My father] wanted to be one of the boys who were playing and would hear their mothers' voices calling them home for dinner at the end of the day, but he couldn't. He was riding in a black car, just behind the one that carried his mother’s silent body. Beyond the window was a world he did not know, one populated by a people called everyone else.

Andrea Raynor is a United Methodist minister who has worked as a chaplain and spiritual counselor for over two decades. She served as a chaplain to the morgue at Ground Zero in the aftermath of the September 11th attacks. Her book centers on Christian belief, but I was able to relate to her writing even though I'm not religious. She has experience working with a diverse group of people and her empathy shines through in her writing. The few parts that were outside of my experience were easily translatable.

The book is filled with advice for working through grief one tiny perspective change at a time, as well as personal stories from the author and the people she counseled. The wide variety of experiences was helpful to me because I would've had a hard time getting through a book that was entirely about my specific type of loss. At 144 pages with 26 short chapters, it's ideal for someone who's having trouble concentrating. Each chapter deals with a different element of grief. I read this book from cover to cover, but I think it would work especially well to read relevant sections when needed. The chapters on "Ghosts" and "Treasure" were especially meaningful to me at the time I read the book. I was also touched by the "Quilt" chapter because creative expression has been an important coping mechanism for me. (It's been especially cathartic to work on framing and finishing my mom's cross-stitch projects.) The chapters all end with an Affirmation and Meditation. Here's an excerpt from the "Everyone Else" chapter:

Meditation: Today I will not isolate myself in my grief. I will ask for help when I need it and will open myself to others who wish to ease my burden or who need a hand to hold.

Affirmation: When my heart is broken, I will let others in. When I see others in pain, I will offer my broken heart.

My two big takeaways from this book are:
(1) Sometimes it's hard to let go of the pain because it feels like it's our last connection with our loved one, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We potentially see parts of them every day in the mirror, in our mannerisms, the stories we share, etc. This was so important for me to read. A few days ago I had what felt like my most "normal" day. It felt like a whole new loss and I felt desperate to get that intense emotion back. It was comforting to know that it's a common feeling and to be offered a new perspective to consider.

(2) A great way to honor our loved ones is to live on and share their stories.  Continuing to live our lives "with courage and hope" is a tribute to them.

There were so many quotes that were meaningful to me—too many to scatter throughout my review—so I saved them all in the "Quotes I Liked" section below. It was a small comfort to read this book during a time when there's little comfort to be had. It helped me see a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I think it would also be a good book for someone who wants to help a loved one through a difficult time, particularly the "Everyone Else" and "Sayings" chapters. Thank you, Andrea Raynor!

I received this book for free from NetGalley and WaterBrook & Multnomah (Penguin Random House). This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review. It's available now! 

______________________

I'm going to hijack my own review for a PSA: When I read the article "The pain of my mother's misdiagnosed heart attack," it felt like a punch in the gut. I'll never know exactly what happened in our situation or if we could've had a better outcome, but this is important to share regardless. Both my mom & grandma passed away from sudden heart issues in their 50s. A week before my mom passed away, she visited the doctor because of many of the symptoms listed below. She was diagnosed with anxiety, despite the fact that she had been given every reason in life to expect worst case scenarios. Since then, I've learned that women are 50% more likely to be misdiagnosed after suffering a heart attack. In another study, 53% of the men included had actually experienced symptoms up to four weeks before their "sudden" cardiac arrest.⁣
⁣
Listed below are the 10 often-missed symptoms women experience when having a heart attack (there's some overlap with the potential advance symptoms of cardiac arrest):⁣
• Sweating or Feeling Overheated⁣
• Indigestion or Nausea⁣
• Ear, Jaw, Neck, or Shoulder Pain. It may also feel like a backache or pulled muscle in neck or back. (My mom felt like she had pulled a muscle in her back, but didn't have the "smoking gun" symptoms of jaw pain or arm pain.)
• Exhaustion or Fatigue⁣
• Sleeplessness or Insomnia⁣
• Stress & Anxiety⁣
• Shortness of Breath⁣
• Dizziness or Lightheadedness⁣
• Memory Loss & Inability to Concentrate⁣
• Pressure in the Chest⁣
• Additional symptoms are at this link.

This is some of the frequently mentioned advice for women to increase their odds of a correct diagnosis:⁣ (1) Stick to facts when describing symptoms.⁣ (2) Research your symptoms before a doctor's appointment to better advocate for yourself⁣ (3) Women tend to have better odds with female doctors⁣. I can't change the past, but I hope this information can help someone else with their future. ❤️

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

gift this to anyone

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s interesting that I should finish a book on Grief while preparing for my dad’s funeral. With no fewer than 1/3 of the pages earmarked, I think if I read it again, I will feel something else entirely. Because that is what grief does. It lies dormant than springs up when you least expect it. This book not only helps with that, but more importantly, it helps with what to say when someone else has lost a loved one. None of us are immune - so having the right words to say that don’t sound so practiced can make all of the difference.

[Sophfronia Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a small book about different aspects of grief delivered word by word in alphabetical order. It can be read in increments, going to the word most needed on any given day. This little jewel of a book provides comfort and light for a time when both are needed most. Andrea Raynor’s gift for the lyrical as well as the spiritual allows her to, with wisdom and compassion, gently guide readers to a place in their grief where they can stand and not be overwhelmed by the darkness. A perfectly rendered and necessary work.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Alphabet of Grief by Andrea Raynor was so much more than I expected. For some reason I find "alphabet books" a bit kitschy but I wanted to give it a chance and am so glad I did. Raynor is a minister and hospice spiritual counselor and you can tell she writes this book with both wisdom and compassion.

I've found that when you are thrown into grief you sometimes need a map to help you navigate the bumpy roads. It's unbelievable how reassuring it is to see that others have had the same thoughts and feelings before you and that it is all part of a normal grieving process. From topics such as Isolation and Loneliness to Joy, Kinship, and Rainbows (signs from above) this book truly is a comfort with a Christian perspective. I plan on purchasing another copy for myself to keep as I'm passing this copy on to a friend.
This book was given to me by Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest review.

[Lee Woodruff · Rating 5 out of 5]

At some point in life, each of us will bump into some kind of grief or loss. Andrea Raynor, minister and graduate of Harvard Divinity School, has been helping us understand this process since she served as the chaplain to the morgue at Ground Zero. Her beautiful first book, "The Voice that Calls You Home," was a life raft for anyone attempting to walk through the aftermath of September 11 and other unimaginable tragedies. From counseling others and dealing with loss, Raynor's simple, yet profound book uses the letters of the alphabet to offer heartfelt recollections on loss and sorrow that comfort us like poetry. These aren't hallmark card platitudes, but rather what she calls "stepping stones across the river of sadness."

This simple book would make a wonderful gift or daily books of reflection and repose for anyone hoping to not feel so alone.

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Each short chapter is a letter of the alphabet, the word connects to grief, has a story, meditation and affirmation. Some chapters I identified with and others I merely read and moved on. Overall, the book is a positive beacon of hope and healing.
Favorite quote: "What she clearly knew, and what I had yet to understand, is that death can create a lonely fortress for the living. It's hard to emerge from our places of sorrow when we are raw and vulnerable and shattered. What makes this even more isolating is that very few people seem to want to come in, ate least after the initial news of our loss. It's as if grief has carved out a terrifying moat that keeps others at bay. Only those who are willing to cross that chasm, unarmed, into another's sorrow will be welcomed, even if a part of them is afraid."

[Carter Hemphill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew that this book would be short and follow an acrostic of the alphabet to discuss the various aspects of the grieving process. However, the introduction was helpful in pointing out that the purpose of the book is for those who are grieving -- the short chapters often are about as much as a grieving person can read because of the emotional pain. Each chapter was full of encouraging and honest observations about grief, based on experiences that this chaplain has seen in many of her patients over the years. I appreciated that the book eschews the usual platitudes and provides a deep and honest view of the grief. The high ratings on GoodReads are justified -- definitely worthwhile to share with someone who is grieving.

[Mary Cummings · Rating 4 out of 5]

Would be a good book to give as a gift to someone who is grieving the death of a loved one -- they could read one short chapter and affirmation a day as they work through their heartache. Metaphors are overly used, but Raynor writes well otherwise and understands the complications and depth of one's suffering after loss. The book is abundant with truths about death, loss, and the healing process.

[Moriah Conant · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is soft, kind, meditative. It is perfect for a grieving individual to be able to move through it at their own pace, whether that is in the order of the book or by finding the word that is meaningful at that moment. I would absolutely give this as a gift to caring professionals (nurses, mental health practitioners, etc) who frequently work with those who are grieving.

I received a copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[LEE A CHILDERS · Rating 5 out of 5]

True & Perfect

I've read quite a few books / articles on grief. This was the most honest and descriptive so far. The author obviously has a deep understanding of grief as well as a beautiful way to describe her feelings. I felt like she had looked inside me and felt my pain.

[Patti · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am glad I read this. I believe it will help me to be a better friend to someone that is grieving and a better friend in general.

[Andrea Engle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Comforting and practical, written by someone experienced in the realm of sorrow ... filled with spiritual insight and helpful thoughts ...

[Peter Narloch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book to anyone who has lost a good friend. Does not need to be read straight through but rather a chapter as one has a quiet moment for considering life