The DNA of Relationships

by Gary Smalley

“Life is relationships; the rest is just details.” We are designed for relationships, yet they often bring us pain. In this paradigm-shifting book, Dr. Gary Smalley unravels the DNA of relationships: We are made for three great relationships―with God, others, and ourselves―and all relationships involve choice. Gary exposes a destructive relationship dance that characterizes nearly every relationship conflict, and he offers five new dance steps that will revolutionize relationships. The DNA of Relationships, the cornerstone book in Gary Smalley's relationship campaign, will help you learn to take personal responsibility, create a safe environment, keep their battery charged, listen with the heart, and adopt a no-losers policy. It will revolutionize your marriage, family, friendships, and work relationships!

Genres: Relationships, Marriage, Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Counselling, Christian Living

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

About the author

Gary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.

Reviews

[Alyssa Lane · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not impressed. I got to the middle of chapter 2 and actually *gasp* don't want to keep reading. And I always finish books, even crappy ones. I have no issue with God or Christian viewed books.. But this was overkill. "God" is mentioned at least 5 times per page. And there's no science. No DNA. Not even backing any pseudo science studies. Just this guy and his son's/partner's opinions off a workshop they do.. For Christian people. My boss wanted me to read this book.. And I tried. But I just can't take it seriously. Esp once he stated that toxic awful people are an issue I have with myself.. Not that some people and relationships might just be bad for you and that's okay for you to move on. Nope.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was selected by accident but after reading it, I highly doubt it was an accident. I was planning to read another book but it is currently not in print, so I searched and thought I would try this one. Wow! I didn't expect it to do what it did. I have never really had a book that could penetrate the deeply protected wounded areas of my heart. We protect our wounds for a reason- to prevent us from experiencing more pain. The problem is, by not exposing them to be properly treated, we in turn create our "fear dance" that he talks about, causing more and more relational issues. There were times when I wanted to throw the book and cry out, "Don't go there God, leave that wound alone, I don't need it to be healed because it hurts too much to relive it, I just need to forget about it!" but that's just it, I never really forgot about it because it manifested itself in new ways causing more pain. I really loved this book. Read it only if you are ready and willing to let your wounds be exposed. It always hurts exposing a wound to the air for observation and proper treatment, but without allowing the Healer to properly heal it, we do ourselves and our relationships a disservice. I loved this book and I'm so glad I came across it. Highly recommend but you must be ready to want to change.

Recommended for:
16+
Couples
Small Groups

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was highly recommended to me and it did not disappoint! We were created for relationships, so I believe it is essential for us to come to a better understanding of how to deal with others and oneself. This book offers so much great information....I was highlighting on every other page.

"Will you choose to act in ways that hinder or enhance your relationships? The choice you make will affect everything about your life."

"But when I remain trustworthy to myself, I can afford to give others a whole lot of freedom in relationships. I know that others are going to forget, that they are going to have moments where they stop being trustworthy. I can live with that, however, because there’s always someone taking responsibility-me. When other people act in unsafe ways, when they get caught up in themselves, I take the most vulnerable part of me back, and I protect it. And when they regain their trustworthiness, I can say, “Let’s try this again.”

"If you choose to travel the road of personal transformation, the worst that can happen is that you will end up with a life that's far more enjoyable, satisfying, fulfilling, and helpful to others than the one you had while you continued to insist on changing the other person."

[Abigail Burdett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for one of my college courses but then read it again this year with my husband. There are so many nuggets of wisdom in this book on how to cultivate strong relationships, pinpoint your fears, and avoid unnecessary stress and drama in your family. The author’s advice is very easy to understand and put into practice and I can easily see my husband and I applying what we learned into our marriage. I would highly recommend this read for anyone, regardless of the relationships they are in, because it has wisdom for everyone!

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slowly read and discussed w a group of my favorite moms! Despite the cover (lol), this was actually super helpful and practice and spurred lots of good conversation! I found it more challenging for me re the parent / child relationship vs the spouse relationship, but eager to try and put it to practice!

[Jade (beauty.andherbooks) · Rating 3 out of 5]

1st Read: ★★★.5

[Laura Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books that I actually want to share with friends and family. It was incredibly relatable and tied it all back to God throughout. I definitely will be going through this book again and again.

[Angela · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't know that the focus of this book was God. And it threw me off when trying to read it. Some of the stories were interesting and held my attention. But when you keep bring God into the picture, nope...I don't want to read it.

[Elisabeth Watts · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m giving this book 3 stars, which I feel I need to preface with the fact that I give most books I really enjoy 4 stars and only life-changing, rock-my-world books 5 stars.

This book was written by a white, evangelical, male boomer and it shows. However, despite it hitting several of my triggers there is a lot of wisdom and great advice in this book. I had to force myself through the first two chapters and the last chapter, and had to get past a few patriarchal references, but other than that there is much that I will take away.
It is written very simply so becomes an easy read. And anyone who is in a marriage relationship that has lived or is living through its “teenage years” can relate to the content.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good information in the book. However, it failed to answer when is it okay to walk from a relationship? Should someone stick in a relationship where only person changes and the other refuses to change? People should not have to be sacrificial lambs to marriage if there is an unresolved problem in it and the other refuses to change. I get that we can only change ourselves, but that does mean we have to stay in a relationship where the other is harmful or neglectful. It also failed to mention that when one person is abusive the last thing a victim of the abuse should be asking is what did I do wrong to elicit this response.

[Rylee Hadlock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, after reading the book I would give it 4 stars. I think the author does a really good job at making his points simple enough for a child to understand. He gets straight to the point with his insights and opinions on how to make a relationship work. As a religious person, I like how he ties it all into God throughout the chapters. The problems within relationships are stated throughout the book and Smalley persuasively offers readers with specific solutions to those problems. I would highly recommend reading this book with your partner. It would provide great insights to someone whose relationship could use some help but also for those whose relationship is close to perfect.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

If your marriage or even your friendships are in jeopardy I highly recommend this book!! Even more, I recommend you get yourself to a marriage encounter at the Focus on the Family retreat center in Branson, Missouri that is mentioned over and over again in this book! It will CHANGE your life!! But what’s amazing about this book is that it’s written like the author is just sitting down to chat with you!! I’ve now read and re-read this book multiple times and I highly recommend OWNING IT, so you can have it to re-read!! Or buy multiple copies so you can also loan it out!!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for anyone who wants to work on their relationship with anyone, there's a bit of emphasis on the marriage relationship, but Smalley is clear that these techniques overlap into other relationships - work, parenting, and friendships. They are counter-intuitive and a relationship with Jesus is the foundation in them - otherwise, it's pretty impossible to this (I mean, sure, temporarily, but I mean long-term change). In all, a beneficial read.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found some good ideas to consider for all my relationships. Although the majority of examples are situations between husbands and wives, there are take aways that can be applied to any number of personal interactions. Dr. Smalley says, "Life is relationships; the rest is just details." I suppose there's a lot of truth in that.

[Leslie · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF @ page 32. There was a lot of “religion” about it?. Not comfortable with learning how to find peace in staying in a relationship with someone who cheats and threatens me with divorce. I am sure the knowledge in this book will help someone. The book was actually gifted to me by a former supervisor…i dont think she liked me very much 😅

[Marcus Goncalves · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great research done on people and their lives concerning relationships. excellent inputs on handling conflicts and expectations. Bottom line? Stop trying to change people, change yourself and seek fulfillment in Him, not others.

[Darrin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the simplicity of this humble, joyful, fun loving author who breaks things down to our biggest problem/challenge/opportunity which is ourselves and taking personal responsibility for our own actions and attitude-what a concept!

[Rebekah Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book touches on so many valuable insights to relationships—how that most conflict is touched off by fear, how it is only helpful to spend our energy in working on ourselves and more.

Definitely a must read when trying to understand myself and others.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so insightful I’m planning to read it again! Not just for marriages, I think this is helpful for any relationship where there is potential misunderstanding. I plan to add more notes later from the 2nd reading.

[Leonardo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is full of helpful things, such as a discussion of fears and anxieties. The most helpful thing though was the reminder that we need to work on ourselves and let God work the change in others. We cannot do that. Would recommend.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book offers wonderful suggestions on how to have thriving relationships. I liked the no-losers policy and the seven steps to win-win solutions. The one-minute reviews at the end of each chapter provide a helpful synopsis of the chapter.

[Brian Craft · Rating 5 out of 5]

To this day, still one of the best marriage and relationship books I have ever read. Re-reading it again after five years, I see so many tools my wife and I still use today to help our relationship. Can't recommend this book enough.

[Corinne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful book for anyone who is married. Applicable to nearly any relationship.

[Binye Vincent · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's awesom and electrifying...

[Dustin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best marriage book I’ve read this year! A great reminder that it’s probably my fault and not my spouse!

[Andrea Lambie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for identify core fears that impact our relationships. This helps not only marriages but helping identify how we respond to stressors in all relationships.

[Tim Wester · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good ideas

[Trevor Larson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good stuff in there. A lot of stories which I didn't care for. Better stuff out there on this. Not bad

[Sir Rodeheaver · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great read. Great for relationships in general. I suggest to all

[Shuli · Rating 2 out of 5]

Book is okay.
What motivated a writer to put his face on a book cover?