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When Lovers Are Friends
Another warm, wise and loving bestseller by the author of Some Men Are More Perfect Than Others.
106 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1978
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159 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
October 17, 2017
You know you've been reading a good book when you have to wake up early the next morning but you still insist on finishing it before you head to sleep. It was a recommendation from a Goodreads' friend, and I'm really grateful to her.
It was completely amazing, the style of writing is fascinating and it makes you want to read more, because it doesn't have the monotony or dullness of usual self-help and psychology books.
It came right in time, I needed to read these words badly.
It was completely amazing, the style of writing is fascinating and it makes you want to read more, because it doesn't have the monotony or dullness of usual self-help and psychology books.
It came right in time, I needed to read these words badly.
October 15, 2017
Merle Shain’s ‘When Lovers are Friends’: a very beautiful book I found in my Mom’s bookshelf. I learned a lot from this book! I love it!!!
Here are a few excerpts:
On men:
“I wish that men understood better the value of friendship as women are coming to know it now, because too often they still see other people as things to be conquered. Men have allies and they have enemies, but only a few of them really have friends, and marriages would be much stronger if that were not the case”.
“Men are just starting now to understand that women can be many more things to them than partners in the bed”.
“I overheard a young man once saying to his wife, ‘I can’t control you. That’s the problem, and it’s been the problem since ever since day one!’ And I heard her answer him and heard her terrible voice. ‘No’ she said. ‘The problem isn’t that you can’t control me, the problem is you’re trying to”.
On friendship:
“There is much to be said for friendship. Often friendship offers things that love affairs and marriage don’t provide, like honesty and fewer demands…”.
“We are all guilty from time to time of giving in a way which pleases us at the expense of someone else. [-] Giving is only giving if the other person goes away enriched”.
On society:
“We are in a society of winners where almost everybody feels himself a loser, where cut of clothes and size of genitals as well as make of car tell us who we are.We are a youth cult where everyone is made to feel old, a love cult where far too many feel unloved”.
“All of us feel that there must be more, but wonder what the more really is”.
About fear and strength:
“There is a Buddhist fable written over 2000 years ago by the Buddha himself, some say, about a beautiful young elephant who lived in the forest near Benares. [-] The king entrusted her to his elephant trainers to be taught to stand firm and to follow commands, but the trainers were harsh with her [-] and one day, maddened by pain, she broke free of them and escaped. She ran as fast as she could [-] until she outdistanced all the king’s men. [-] But still she raced on, and although time passed, she did not reduce her pace or forget for a moment that she had been a captive once. [-] Finally a compassionate tree sprite could stand her pain no longer and leaned out of a fork in a tree one day and whispered into the elephant’s ear. ‘Do you fear the wind? It only moves the clouds and dries the dew. You ought to look into your mind. It’s only fear that has captured you’. And the minute the wood sprite had spoken the beautiful elephant realized that she ha nothing to fear but the habit of being afraid, and she began to enjoy life again”.
“Trust in life does not mean trusting that life will always be good or that it will be free of grief and pain. It means that somewhere inside yourself you can find the strength to go forth”.
Here are a few excerpts:
On men:
“I wish that men understood better the value of friendship as women are coming to know it now, because too often they still see other people as things to be conquered. Men have allies and they have enemies, but only a few of them really have friends, and marriages would be much stronger if that were not the case”.
“Men are just starting now to understand that women can be many more things to them than partners in the bed”.
“I overheard a young man once saying to his wife, ‘I can’t control you. That’s the problem, and it’s been the problem since ever since day one!’ And I heard her answer him and heard her terrible voice. ‘No’ she said. ‘The problem isn’t that you can’t control me, the problem is you’re trying to”.
On friendship:
“There is much to be said for friendship. Often friendship offers things that love affairs and marriage don’t provide, like honesty and fewer demands…”.
“We are all guilty from time to time of giving in a way which pleases us at the expense of someone else. [-] Giving is only giving if the other person goes away enriched”.
On society:
“We are in a society of winners where almost everybody feels himself a loser, where cut of clothes and size of genitals as well as make of car tell us who we are.We are a youth cult where everyone is made to feel old, a love cult where far too many feel unloved”.
“All of us feel that there must be more, but wonder what the more really is”.
About fear and strength:
“There is a Buddhist fable written over 2000 years ago by the Buddha himself, some say, about a beautiful young elephant who lived in the forest near Benares. [-] The king entrusted her to his elephant trainers to be taught to stand firm and to follow commands, but the trainers were harsh with her [-] and one day, maddened by pain, she broke free of them and escaped. She ran as fast as she could [-] until she outdistanced all the king’s men. [-] But still she raced on, and although time passed, she did not reduce her pace or forget for a moment that she had been a captive once. [-] Finally a compassionate tree sprite could stand her pain no longer and leaned out of a fork in a tree one day and whispered into the elephant’s ear. ‘Do you fear the wind? It only moves the clouds and dries the dew. You ought to look into your mind. It’s only fear that has captured you’. And the minute the wood sprite had spoken the beautiful elephant realized that she ha nothing to fear but the habit of being afraid, and she began to enjoy life again”.
“Trust in life does not mean trusting that life will always be good or that it will be free of grief and pain. It means that somewhere inside yourself you can find the strength to go forth”.
March 22, 2014
This book was given to me about 30 years ago. I just found it again via a used bookseller. It is the best book I have ever read about life, love, friendships, trusting, and the way all four intersect. Merle Shain has a way of writing which gives the reader the feeling that they're at a live discussion. Many of her words are written in a way that one might literally speak them verbally. This gives her prose a soft, but poignant, feel to it. Extremely highly recommended.
July 8, 2024
i randomly got this book for 10¢ at a used bookstore and i believe it is one of my most valuable possessions. i’ll be coming back to it again and again.
May 13, 2021
quick read in the sun :) “you must learn to be grateful for what is there for you and not annoyed by what can never be”
June 14, 2021
“All of us feel there must be more, but wonder what the more really is, and often the more we yearned for last year isn’t enough today”
January 23, 2013
The best book I have ever read about love and friendship. Couldn't put it down!
February 27, 2018
Today I give to you a promise,
one which I will keep forever.
It is a promise of love, patience and understanding,
one that will endure the trials of time,
And offer a strong had of support.
To be there as a friend.
I will respect who and what you are,
honor you with my faithfulness
and always cherish our love.
I will listen to your thoughts,
understand your need for freedom,
and be by your side as we grow,
sharing our dreams and realizing them together
as long as we shall live.
I give you my endless love.
These words were composed between two young lovers in 1985 in anticipation of their pending wedding day. The vows have stood for thirty-three years.
Thirty-three years ago the young couple, now newly married and about to embark on their lives were given a book as a wedding gift: When Lovers are Friends by Merle Shain. Thirty-three years later, those lovers are friends. Can you find a better endorsement?
The 1970’s book cover artwork and the tiny physical stature of the book may blind you to its timeless power. Shain’s seemingly unrelated vignettes weave powerful words of wisdom to those seeking meaningful and healthy romantic relationships. Reminiscent of poetry, her stories are beautiful to read yet packed with practical insight. She also explores many mythical stories that she masterfully weaves into her exposition.
Beyond the search for a mate, however, Shain is able to get to the heart of what is necessary for someone to find meaningful love: to love oneself. She insists that to fully engage in a relationship, the relationship must open us up to ourselves rather than to close us off. She explodes the concept that there is one perfect person out there who can complete us and instead insists it is only ourselves who can accomplish this: “It is very hard to learn that lesson and to stop hoping to get from others what you must provide yourself” Shain contends. She further insists that what we ought to be focused on what it is that we can give, rather than what we can get.
Another theme constant throughout the book is the power and importance of friendship. Every chapter alludes to friendship and its connection to well-being and ultimately to successful romantic love. Shain views the two as intricately woven and inseparable. She considers that our friends (who she views as windows through which we see out into the world and back into ourselves) become more essential once we have a mate, not less essential.
The vows iterated at the start of this review are my own shared with my lover and friend of forty years (I met my husband while still in the womb if you are wondering) The book, When Lovers are Friends, was a wedding gift to us from a friend. That friend is still in our life after forty years as well. Adding my anecdotal story to Shain’s, I highly recommend her book for guidance on how to find a lover and a friend.
one which I will keep forever.
It is a promise of love, patience and understanding,
one that will endure the trials of time,
And offer a strong had of support.
To be there as a friend.
I will respect who and what you are,
honor you with my faithfulness
and always cherish our love.
I will listen to your thoughts,
understand your need for freedom,
and be by your side as we grow,
sharing our dreams and realizing them together
as long as we shall live.
I give you my endless love.
These words were composed between two young lovers in 1985 in anticipation of their pending wedding day. The vows have stood for thirty-three years.
Thirty-three years ago the young couple, now newly married and about to embark on their lives were given a book as a wedding gift: When Lovers are Friends by Merle Shain. Thirty-three years later, those lovers are friends. Can you find a better endorsement?
The 1970’s book cover artwork and the tiny physical stature of the book may blind you to its timeless power. Shain’s seemingly unrelated vignettes weave powerful words of wisdom to those seeking meaningful and healthy romantic relationships. Reminiscent of poetry, her stories are beautiful to read yet packed with practical insight. She also explores many mythical stories that she masterfully weaves into her exposition.
Beyond the search for a mate, however, Shain is able to get to the heart of what is necessary for someone to find meaningful love: to love oneself. She insists that to fully engage in a relationship, the relationship must open us up to ourselves rather than to close us off. She explodes the concept that there is one perfect person out there who can complete us and instead insists it is only ourselves who can accomplish this: “It is very hard to learn that lesson and to stop hoping to get from others what you must provide yourself” Shain contends. She further insists that what we ought to be focused on what it is that we can give, rather than what we can get.
Another theme constant throughout the book is the power and importance of friendship. Every chapter alludes to friendship and its connection to well-being and ultimately to successful romantic love. Shain views the two as intricately woven and inseparable. She considers that our friends (who she views as windows through which we see out into the world and back into ourselves) become more essential once we have a mate, not less essential.
The vows iterated at the start of this review are my own shared with my lover and friend of forty years (I met my husband while still in the womb if you are wondering) The book, When Lovers are Friends, was a wedding gift to us from a friend. That friend is still in our life after forty years as well. Adding my anecdotal story to Shain’s, I highly recommend her book for guidance on how to find a lover and a friend.
September 7, 2020
What a great little gem of a book. Written in the 70’s but still so relevant today. I found it in a little makeshift “borrow and lend” library box in Beloit, and this title attracted me. The book is about loving self, friends and men. The author is very wise and her writing style is provocative. It feels like she is a loving aunt or mom offering you words that will change your life. It is a book I can see rereading at various times in my life. You will find stunning observations that you can apply to any of your current relationships and much to learn about yourself.
April 19, 2021
Wow, I found this book at my local thrift store and to tell you the truth, got it because the cover looked beautiful. Also, the title was intriguing.
I was interested once I realized that it was written in the 1970’s to see how the book would be relevant, or if at all in today’s world.
Not only was it extremely relevant, this book was such a good refresh on so many important lessons in life around love, friends, companionship and fulfillment.
It’s a super quick read, and great on a nice Sunday in lockdown. Highly recommend!
I was interested once I realized that it was written in the 1970’s to see how the book would be relevant, or if at all in today’s world.
Not only was it extremely relevant, this book was such a good refresh on so many important lessons in life around love, friends, companionship and fulfillment.
It’s a super quick read, and great on a nice Sunday in lockdown. Highly recommend!
June 22, 2018
I'm not sure if the title is misleading, or if this author's philosophy is that all people we care about are "lovers" but not necessarily "sexual lovers". This books is about friendship, not about relationships, but I still feel like there is a lot of great information and metaphors in this book. I continue to be impressed by how powerful her words are while being so simply written and quick to read.
September 15, 2024
Liked this short little read. Very quotable so I made sure not to read it toooo quickly and end up glossing over the nuggets. I could very easily read this one again in 6 months to 1 year and get something new out of it. For now, I’ll attach one of a few quotes I tucked away here for easy reference.
“Man staggers through life, yapped at by his reason, pulled and shoved by his appetites, whispered to by his fears, and beckoned to by his hopes.”
“Man staggers through life, yapped at by his reason, pulled and shoved by his appetites, whispered to by his fears, and beckoned to by his hopes.”
March 29, 2022
I really wanna give it a 3.5 but I loved “some men are more perfect than others” a tiny bit more and that got a 4.
Literally so beautiful, I’m basically reading poetry.
Literally so beautiful, I’m basically reading poetry.
March 14, 2023
Great cover art
June 28, 2024
I feel like the ending contradicted most of the book— it sort of undermined the point made.
May 14, 2021
"Trust in life does not mean trusting that life will always be good or that it will be free of grief and pain. It means trusting that somewhere inside yourself you can find the strength to go forth and meet what comes and, even if you meet betrayal and disappointment along the way, go forth again the very next day."
March 6, 2016
Apparently Merle Shain was a best-selling author in the 1970s... but she is not widely known in 2016. That's unfortunate as her clarity and vulnerability are rare gifts. Many of the books I have been drawn to lately focus on finding peace within one's self... Shain seems completely comfortable writing about the struggle to know people in an authentic manner. So many good quotes from this book that the entire work almost warrants highlighting.
February 27, 2013
I found this book when I was cleaning out a bookcase today (2-27-13). I read it many, many years ago.
August 1, 2024
Everyone should read this book<3
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews