What do you think?
Rate this book
A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce
“I have been through some of the worst of contentious divorce litigation,” Alec Baldwin declares in A Promise to Ourselves. Using a very personal approach, he offers practical guidance to help others avoid the anguish he has endured.
An Academy and Tony Award nominee and a 2007 recipient of Golden Globe, SAG, and Television Critics Association Awards for best actor in a comedy, Alec Baldwin is one of the best-known, most successful actors in the world. His relationship with Kim Basinger, the Academy Award–winning actress, lasted nearly a decade. They have a daughter named Ireland, and for a time, theirs seemed to be the model of a successful Hollywood marriage. But in 2000 they separated and in 2002 divorced. Their split---specifically the custody battle surrounding Ireland---would be the subject of media attention for years to come.
In his own life and others’, Baldwin has seen the heavy toll that divorce can take---psychologically, emotionally, and financially. He has been extensively involved in divorce litigation, and he has witnessed the way that noncustodial parents, especially fathers, are often forced to abandon hopes of equitable rights when it comes to their children. He makes a powerful case for reexamining and changing the way divorce and child custody is decided in this country and levels a scathing attack at what he calls the “family law industry.”
When it comes to his experiences with judges, court-appointed therapists, and lawyers, Baldwin pulls no punches. He casts a light on his own divorce and the way the current family law system affected him, his ex-wife, and his daughter, as well as many other families. This is an important, informative, and deeply felt book on a contentious subject that offers hope of finding a better way.
An Academy and Tony Award nominee and a 2007 recipient of Golden Globe, SAG, and Television Critics Association Awards for best actor in a comedy, Alec Baldwin is one of the best-known, most successful actors in the world. His relationship with Kim Basinger, the Academy Award–winning actress, lasted nearly a decade. They have a daughter named Ireland, and for a time, theirs seemed to be the model of a successful Hollywood marriage. But in 2000 they separated and in 2002 divorced. Their split---specifically the custody battle surrounding Ireland---would be the subject of media attention for years to come.
In his own life and others’, Baldwin has seen the heavy toll that divorce can take---psychologically, emotionally, and financially. He has been extensively involved in divorce litigation, and he has witnessed the way that noncustodial parents, especially fathers, are often forced to abandon hopes of equitable rights when it comes to their children. He makes a powerful case for reexamining and changing the way divorce and child custody is decided in this country and levels a scathing attack at what he calls the “family law industry.”
When it comes to his experiences with judges, court-appointed therapists, and lawyers, Baldwin pulls no punches. He casts a light on his own divorce and the way the current family law system affected him, his ex-wife, and his daughter, as well as many other families. This is an important, informative, and deeply felt book on a contentious subject that offers hope of finding a better way.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published September 9, 2008
24 people are currently reading
254 people want to read
About the author
Alec Baldwin
27 books103 followersAlexander Rae "Alec" Baldwin III is an Emmy- and Academy Award-nominated, and Golden Globe Award-winning, American actor. He is the eldest and most famous of the Baldwin brothers, and has starred in many movies and TV shows. He is also noted for having hosted Saturday Night Live multiple times. He is currently playing television executive Jack Donaghy in the NBC situation-comedy 30 Rock.
He married Hilaria Baldwin in 2012.
He married Hilaria Baldwin in 2012.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews
September 5, 2014
In A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce, Alec Baldwin puts a celebrity face on dirty secrets which few know, and even fewer understand, that comprise America's current family law system. Contorted to favor custodial parents--usually women--and structured to perpetuate expensive, legal conflict, the only winners in ongoing custodial wars are the paid professionals associated with the case. The biggest losers are children over which wars are being fought, followed by non-custodial parents. Hopeful, non-custodial parents usually enter the family court system, perhaps having heard a whiff of what hell might be coming, confident that decisions are made based on the facts of the case, fairness and what is best for the child. A Promise to Ourselves dispels that naivete and then breaks it all down.
Mr. Baldwin uses anecdotes of his own experience and that of other non-custodial parents--usually men--to expose the systemic dysfunction that allows one parent to hold a child hostage from the child's other parent, often beggaring the non-custodial parent in the process. However, these memoirs are much more than a cathartic exercise. Supported by studies, and an expert interview, Mr. Baldwin goes deeper to address Parental Alienation Syndrome and provide strategic advice to non-custodial parents fighting for their child's fundamental right and developmental need to have healthy relationships with both parents.
It's all spelled out: well-funded legal opponents having no incentive to seek win-win solutions; custodial parents who violate court orders with impunity; courts that do not enforce their own orders or effectively penalize parents that violate orders; courts that do not closely evaluate testimony that is contradictory, reflecting a conflict of interest, or containing an obvious lie when it favors custodial parents; custodial parents that actively alienate their children from their non-custodial parents; parents that rely on false abuse charges as a legal strategy and more.
I recommend this book to anyone, but especially to non-custodial parents who are entering or are currently in the family court system. I couldn't put it down, reading it in a day, because it was so truthful and resonated so well with experiences that are known to me. It contains all of the wisdom that comes from hindsight and is the guidebook that many non-custodial parents wish they had at the beginning of their legal journeys.
Mr. Baldwin uses anecdotes of his own experience and that of other non-custodial parents--usually men--to expose the systemic dysfunction that allows one parent to hold a child hostage from the child's other parent, often beggaring the non-custodial parent in the process. However, these memoirs are much more than a cathartic exercise. Supported by studies, and an expert interview, Mr. Baldwin goes deeper to address Parental Alienation Syndrome and provide strategic advice to non-custodial parents fighting for their child's fundamental right and developmental need to have healthy relationships with both parents.
It's all spelled out: well-funded legal opponents having no incentive to seek win-win solutions; custodial parents who violate court orders with impunity; courts that do not enforce their own orders or effectively penalize parents that violate orders; courts that do not closely evaluate testimony that is contradictory, reflecting a conflict of interest, or containing an obvious lie when it favors custodial parents; custodial parents that actively alienate their children from their non-custodial parents; parents that rely on false abuse charges as a legal strategy and more.
I recommend this book to anyone, but especially to non-custodial parents who are entering or are currently in the family court system. I couldn't put it down, reading it in a day, because it was so truthful and resonated so well with experiences that are known to me. It contains all of the wisdom that comes from hindsight and is the guidebook that many non-custodial parents wish they had at the beginning of their legal journeys.
June 11, 2011
Interesting format, and he makes some reasonable points, but ultimately unsatisfying. Purports to be about the family law system and how it's stacked against fathers and fosters billable hours for lawyers more than the best interests of the child. But aside from one chapter in which he interviews a law professor about recent changes in the legal system, and the almost randomly inserted snippets from a few other guys' cases, it's 90% based on his contentious divorce from Kim Basinger (aka "my ex-wife" -- seldom refers to her by name).
From the celebrity gossip standpoint, it's boring b/c many of the details are under wraps per court orders. From the legal case study standpoint, it's problematic that you don't get any of her side -- as you might imagine, in his telling he was eminently reasonable, and she was pointlessly hostile and litigious and tried relentlessly to turn his daughter against him, exemplifying Parental Alienation Syndrome.
The famous voice-mail-rant at his daughter he obviously regrets, but mainly spreads blame to the ex-wife (daughter had had her phone turned off much of the time, so he was fed up with not being able to get through) and to tabloids for covering it.
From the celebrity gossip standpoint, it's boring b/c many of the details are under wraps per court orders. From the legal case study standpoint, it's problematic that you don't get any of her side -- as you might imagine, in his telling he was eminently reasonable, and she was pointlessly hostile and litigious and tried relentlessly to turn his daughter against him, exemplifying Parental Alienation Syndrome.
The famous voice-mail-rant at his daughter he obviously regrets, but mainly spreads blame to the ex-wife (daughter had had her phone turned off much of the time, so he was fed up with not being able to get through) and to tabloids for covering it.
July 26, 2009
Great book! I was impressed and intrigued by what Alec had to say about his experience with the family divorce courts! He talks about parent alienation. A very common thing that occurs when a couple divorces. It affects everyone in the family - aunts, uncles, grandparents and mostly the father (in most cases).
This is not a book of slander and gossip between he and his ex wife. This is a book about his experience (still ongoing) with the LA Family court system. He wanted to be more than a "Disney Dad" and fought for his God given right to be a full time father.
I don't care for Alec Baldwin much as a celebrity. We definitely don't see eye to eye on things when it comes to social living, politics, etc... but I agree with him on this - every father has the right to father their child even after a divorce.
I think everyone should read this book.
It was a quick read, only taking me a couple days to finish it.
This is not a book of slander and gossip between he and his ex wife. This is a book about his experience (still ongoing) with the LA Family court system. He wanted to be more than a "Disney Dad" and fought for his God given right to be a full time father.
I don't care for Alec Baldwin much as a celebrity. We definitely don't see eye to eye on things when it comes to social living, politics, etc... but I agree with him on this - every father has the right to father their child even after a divorce.
I think everyone should read this book.
It was a quick read, only taking me a couple days to finish it.
March 2, 2020
I felt like I was reading Noah Baumbach’s “Marriage Story” script, but worse. Nobody gets married thinking that divorce is coming next, sadly it’s something might happen. As the author says in the very last lines of this book: “I promised myself that I would write this book, it help people better understand the terrible and unnecessary pain that the divorce industry inflicts on those people who have the bad fortune to enter their world.” Through Baldwin’s work you can tell it is actually an industry... a really harmful one.
January 5, 2009
Everyone who has had to deal with a bitter ex wife and custody issues will relate to Mr. Baldwin's struggles. Highly recommended! I think everyone should read this book to understand what our legal system allows vicious ex wives to do to their former spouses
February 16, 2009
Since I worked in the legal profession, I found Alec Baldwin's book particularly interesting. He says that lawyers drag things out particularly if they know the parties involved have money to pay attorney fees. Remember, in litigation, no one wins but the attorneys. Unfortunately, for Baldwin he did not have shared custody of his daughter. He doesn't come out and spell it out, but it sounds like this was due to his bad temper. He said that he was ordered to take anger management classes. He felt quite alienated in his fight for visitation rights to see his daughter Ireland. He felt that his ex-wife made everything difficult for him. He feels that the courts unfairly lean towards the woman in custody situations. The courts do try to have the child stay with their mothers, but I have heard situations where this was not always the case, but usually that is only where the mother is not very capable, i.e., involved in drugs or alcoholic, or mentally incompetent. I'm sorry that Alec had such a bad time. He does sound like he loves his daughter very much. Writing this book was probably therapeutic for Alec. However, I hope to next read about his adventures in Hollywood, since so many people, as myself do like Baldwin as a performer and would like to hear more about that.
July 16, 2009
What a disappointment. I think Alec Baldwin is the funniest guy on TV right now in 30 Rock. NONE of his wit or humor translates. I know it's a serious book about a serious subject, but I was hoping for at least a morsel of humor. This might be a good guide for a father going through divorce. Other than that: not so good. I'm sorry he went through such hard time fighting for custody and yes, the system sucks blah blah blah. But it's pretty hard to sympathize with a person of means regarding his divorce and custody battle. With all the real tragedy that exists and all the people who handle pain with grace and humility, this came off as sour grapes. We all heard the voicemail he left his daughter Ireland and while he takes responsibility and admits he directed his anger at the wrong person, he did NOT redeem himself here. Sorry, Alec. Still love your show, but I won't be reading any more books by you. And the cover photo with the pancake makeup and Grecian formula???? Ridiculous.
January 7, 2011
The most interesting thing here is the claim Baldwin makes; that the legal system, particularly family court, is akin to the 'good ole boys club'. This is where the lines between your attorney who operates as your mouthpiece and advocate and his established relationships with the opposing counsel, judge, and other legal staff may be blurred. And, just as in corporate america, in legal america, there are politics and lawyers and judges wrangling for their next big break--another factor in how your case plays out. You didn't think you could have the court decide your case on the merits alone did you? At least that is the question the Baldwin proposes to answer in this book.
October 18, 2012
I have been seeing this book for a bit in my local library, and each time I passed it, I laughed every time. I mean, based on what has been said in the press, and the voice-mail between Alec and his daughter, which was made public, how much can this guy really tell you about being a good parent? However, after reading this book, I have more respect for the guy than I had prior. I have no doubt he has a massive anger issue. Calling his daughter a "thoughtless little pig" among other things is obvious evidence of that. But, the book tells his side of his nasty custody battle between him and ex-wife Kim Bassinger, and the alienation of his daughter from him. Maybe it's me, (cause I have been dealing with this in my own life for the last 3 1/2 years), that I can relate to his anger and frustration with the family court system in California. It is a broken joke of a system that causes more damage than good. He writes from the heart, and it is painfully obvious how much he loves his daughter, and his separation from her affects him deeply, and he makes a great case for parental alienation as an actual issue that needs to be addressed. Is he a perfect guy? Hell, no! His angry message on his daughter's phone is inexcusable, even if it was misplaced anger. I doubt he meant those words for his kid, but they were left on her phone, but he seemed to be addressing Bassinger in that outburst. I do believe that Bassinger is playing games with that child, and both Alec and more importantly, Ireland, have paid the price for it. There was a line in this book that summed it up, and hit me close to home. That line, to paraphrase, is My ex wife's hated of me is so far stronger than her love of our child. I feel bad for Alec in a way for what he has dealt with, and the lack of the court's help, but a lot of it he brought on himself as well. Just because you can throw 1.5 million at a lawyer, doesn't guarantee you will win. He, and his ex wife, are part of the reason that the legal system is broken. They are the ones who pay the lawyers ungodly amounts of money to clog up the system with filing after filing. But, because of this book, I do have more respect for him as a father, as I have been there, and still am.
February 20, 2016
Both Ken and I read this book because of what we went through with his ex and kids. It was amazing to read that we experienced some of the same things Baldwin did, especially what is termed Parental Alienation Syndrome. We were pretty sure that was what was happening, but didn't realize that it was such a classic case. All eight symptoms written about in this book happened to us.
I recommend this book to anyone who has been through a similar situation. It doesn't matter what your station in life is...there will always be people who will put their own bitterness and anger above the well-being of others. Even above that of their own children.
I recommend this book to anyone who has been through a similar situation. It doesn't matter what your station in life is...there will always be people who will put their own bitterness and anger above the well-being of others. Even above that of their own children.
Read
June 25, 2009What Alec went through prior to the divorce. This was a great book for all to read. you never know just what anyone goes through-men or women when it comes to divorce especially if the divorce is not a 'clean' one. That is where the two just go their own ways and there are no children involved. With Alec it was him fighting hard and trying not to give up for his daughter's sake. She needs her father as she grows older and I was so happy to know he did not give up the fight. This one is a must read book.
November 12, 2008
Must-reading for anyone contemplating or already in the throes of a divorce. Baldwin provides a surprising amount of context for his tale of time in the legal system, especially for a guy who says, "I blame my ex-wife least of all for what has transpired."
But the meat here is the first-rate advice for divorcing parents, especially those with young children. See my full review here: http://www.lovehowto.com/moving-on/38....
But the meat here is the first-rate advice for divorcing parents, especially those with young children. See my full review here: http://www.lovehowto.com/moving-on/38....
January 20, 2009
Seen at the library, what the heck just read about Tori, what else could be more fascinating, then another sthupershtar!! Welp, this is NOT what I expected. It is a guide of all guides on what to do when you get a divorce, the 1-2-3's. Yawn.
February 3, 2009
A rant against the "divorce industry". A primer for what to do. Not well written and no "dirt", but was impressed that he was so gracious to his ex.
July 11, 2018
This is a great book detailing what many fathers go thru in a divorce. Firstly, there is the broken US family court system that cannot possibly act in the best interest of the children. Secondly, there is the issue with his ex wife alienating the child from her father. Alec writes how he was allowed phone time with his daughter according to the court order but his ex wife had his daughters phone turned off and sometimes would turn it on just for the last minute of the scheduled time frame of when he was supposed to call. That last minute was when she was in the car with her mother about to be dropped off at school. He’s left hundreds of voice mails that were never returned. Even when he did reach her she hestitated to talk about anything and was very distant. If he reached her one minute too late he was told she can’t talk. This is just one example that was a deliberate, controlling and manipulative way for his ex wife to alienate his daughter from him. His story is very common and happens to many fathers all across America. It is time our courts educate themselves about Parental Alienation Syndrome so they learn to spot an alienator and can then try to get help for the children. The children suffer the most from being alienated and it is child abuse. Children should never be used in this way. Of course, only a narcissistic, miserable person would alienate a child from a parents and rob them of that relationship. This book is nicely written and will take you thru the terribly heart wrenching and joyous moments of a father desperately wanting a close bond with his child but cannot due to her mother.
August 2, 2020
This no-holds-barred takedown of the US Family Law and Dependency Courts mega-bureaucracy is long overdue. The plight of non-custodial fathers and the system that ruthlessly victimises and exploits them are a national disgrace. Why does it exist? And do they get away with it?
The parade of parasites who line their pockets through protracted legal battles, custody hearings, family evaluations, court orders and arbitration rulings runs deep and long. Once the money is settled (which can take a long time) the battleground shifts to the children who become collaterally damaged hostages as the family unit disintegrates.
It took a highly visible public figure like Alec Baldwin to draw attention to this cause. He has written the book I had hoped to write someday. His story and pain are all too familiar. His descriptions of other fathers navigating the same cesspool add to his own heartbreak.
Alec is the most articulate and prominent spokesman out there on the issues of Fathers' Rights and Parental Alienation. After separating from his ex-wife Kim Bassinger he faced a protracted and emotion-draining contest to secure access to their daughter. It cost him millions of dollars and extracted a severe toll on his emotional well-being. His book - A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce – is brutally honest. I read it in one sitting over 8 hours.
To say this book changes perspectives is a massive understatement. Although he is a talented actor, I had always dismissed Alec Baldwin as a hyperactive, left-wing loudmouth with a short temper. The media generally depicts him fighting paparazzi, vowing to leave the country if Bush (or Trump) is elected and bellowing from a politically-correct liberal bully pulpit. When he finally erupted and lashed out at his daughter in a private phone message (an event which the book details), TMZ pounced on him, driving him to contemplate suicide.
Through the medium of this book, Baldwin lays out his tortured soul. As another battle-scarred victim of a protracted legal battle over visitations (not even custody), I felt a kinship with Baldwin. So let me start with an apology to Alec and a sincere appreciation for his invaluable contributions and insights on this critical issue.
This book is Alec's testimonial. I don't wish to delve into my own futile attempts to secure visitations and build relationships with my two children from a previous marriage. Those paths lined with high-priced divorce lawyers running the clock, opinionated therapists who aggravated rather than cured family dysfunctions and other players who milked a system which denigrates and denies the most precious rites of fatherhood are all too familiar. Baldwin and I both literally walked the same paths in the same environs through the Los Angeles Dependency Courts and the Department of Children's’ Services, and in some cases, engaged against the same opponents.
I can't resist adding that unlike Baldwin's vow regarding the elections of George Bush and Donald Trump, I ultimately surrendered, signing a court order to cease all contact with my children until they turned 18, moving overseas to Singapore and relinquishing US citizenship.
A couple of excerpts from Alec's book hit home:
quote
Divorce litigation is a unique phenomenon in our culture. When someone is sick, our society usually offers some means of care. Often that care extends to their families as well. The sick individual reaches out to professionals who arrive with their skills and training at the ready, prepared to solve the problem. When illness afflicts a marriage, however, the professionals who arrive on the scene often are there to prolong the bleeding, not to stop it. To be pulled into the American family law system in most states is like being tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged down a gravel road late at night. No one can hear your cries and complaints, and it is not over until they say it is over.
And this is not a blame game trash-the-ex diatribe. Baldwin reserves his venom for the real villains in the courts and childcare bureaucracies.
quote
I agree that I did make things worse for myself. Foolishly, I walked into a courtroom with the expectation that I would be given some equitable rights regarding my daughter. I ignored the less than subtle message that tells noncustodial parents, especially fathers, to abandon such hopes and face the realities of this system. Walk away, we’re told. Accept your fate as your penance for the poor choices you’ve made. Write off this failed family as the price of learning difficult lessons. The longer you hold out for what should be the right of every parent, the more expensive and painful the process becomes.
When you lose custody of your child, so much of what is magical and priceless in this experience is taken away from you. The moments still occur, but you are no longer there to share them. You find yourself constantly wondering what your child is doing now. An overwhelming pain comes from the knowledge that she is learning life through so many people’s eyes, but least of all your own. You want to share your own perspective on life, to influence your child, just as your parents influenced you. Above all, you want to give your child the gifts of time and attention, but your opportunities become dramatically limited.
end quote
Being a strong-willed New Yorker, Alec stayed the course and spent a few million dollars over an eight-year period to secure visitation rights with his daughter. Reading this book, one can understand (if not excuse) Baldwin's telephone tirade where he called his daughter a "thoughtless pig" for refusing to take his phone calls. He was vilified in the media; however, this incident only highlights how the extended torture and victimisation of non-custodial fathers can destroy the affections and bonds within a family. How bad is the damage? What toll does it inflict on the lives of children growing up without a father? What happens when children are coaxed to despise or falsely accuse a non-custodial parent?
Thank you Alec Baldwin. Please stay the course and continue to voice your outrage.
The parade of parasites who line their pockets through protracted legal battles, custody hearings, family evaluations, court orders and arbitration rulings runs deep and long. Once the money is settled (which can take a long time) the battleground shifts to the children who become collaterally damaged hostages as the family unit disintegrates.
It took a highly visible public figure like Alec Baldwin to draw attention to this cause. He has written the book I had hoped to write someday. His story and pain are all too familiar. His descriptions of other fathers navigating the same cesspool add to his own heartbreak.
Alec is the most articulate and prominent spokesman out there on the issues of Fathers' Rights and Parental Alienation. After separating from his ex-wife Kim Bassinger he faced a protracted and emotion-draining contest to secure access to their daughter. It cost him millions of dollars and extracted a severe toll on his emotional well-being. His book - A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce – is brutally honest. I read it in one sitting over 8 hours.
To say this book changes perspectives is a massive understatement. Although he is a talented actor, I had always dismissed Alec Baldwin as a hyperactive, left-wing loudmouth with a short temper. The media generally depicts him fighting paparazzi, vowing to leave the country if Bush (or Trump) is elected and bellowing from a politically-correct liberal bully pulpit. When he finally erupted and lashed out at his daughter in a private phone message (an event which the book details), TMZ pounced on him, driving him to contemplate suicide.
Through the medium of this book, Baldwin lays out his tortured soul. As another battle-scarred victim of a protracted legal battle over visitations (not even custody), I felt a kinship with Baldwin. So let me start with an apology to Alec and a sincere appreciation for his invaluable contributions and insights on this critical issue.
This book is Alec's testimonial. I don't wish to delve into my own futile attempts to secure visitations and build relationships with my two children from a previous marriage. Those paths lined with high-priced divorce lawyers running the clock, opinionated therapists who aggravated rather than cured family dysfunctions and other players who milked a system which denigrates and denies the most precious rites of fatherhood are all too familiar. Baldwin and I both literally walked the same paths in the same environs through the Los Angeles Dependency Courts and the Department of Children's’ Services, and in some cases, engaged against the same opponents.
I can't resist adding that unlike Baldwin's vow regarding the elections of George Bush and Donald Trump, I ultimately surrendered, signing a court order to cease all contact with my children until they turned 18, moving overseas to Singapore and relinquishing US citizenship.
A couple of excerpts from Alec's book hit home:
quote
Divorce litigation is a unique phenomenon in our culture. When someone is sick, our society usually offers some means of care. Often that care extends to their families as well. The sick individual reaches out to professionals who arrive with their skills and training at the ready, prepared to solve the problem. When illness afflicts a marriage, however, the professionals who arrive on the scene often are there to prolong the bleeding, not to stop it. To be pulled into the American family law system in most states is like being tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged down a gravel road late at night. No one can hear your cries and complaints, and it is not over until they say it is over.
And this is not a blame game trash-the-ex diatribe. Baldwin reserves his venom for the real villains in the courts and childcare bureaucracies.
quote
I agree that I did make things worse for myself. Foolishly, I walked into a courtroom with the expectation that I would be given some equitable rights regarding my daughter. I ignored the less than subtle message that tells noncustodial parents, especially fathers, to abandon such hopes and face the realities of this system. Walk away, we’re told. Accept your fate as your penance for the poor choices you’ve made. Write off this failed family as the price of learning difficult lessons. The longer you hold out for what should be the right of every parent, the more expensive and painful the process becomes.
When you lose custody of your child, so much of what is magical and priceless in this experience is taken away from you. The moments still occur, but you are no longer there to share them. You find yourself constantly wondering what your child is doing now. An overwhelming pain comes from the knowledge that she is learning life through so many people’s eyes, but least of all your own. You want to share your own perspective on life, to influence your child, just as your parents influenced you. Above all, you want to give your child the gifts of time and attention, but your opportunities become dramatically limited.
end quote
Being a strong-willed New Yorker, Alec stayed the course and spent a few million dollars over an eight-year period to secure visitation rights with his daughter. Reading this book, one can understand (if not excuse) Baldwin's telephone tirade where he called his daughter a "thoughtless pig" for refusing to take his phone calls. He was vilified in the media; however, this incident only highlights how the extended torture and victimisation of non-custodial fathers can destroy the affections and bonds within a family. How bad is the damage? What toll does it inflict on the lives of children growing up without a father? What happens when children are coaxed to despise or falsely accuse a non-custodial parent?
Thank you Alec Baldwin. Please stay the course and continue to voice your outrage.
September 16, 2018
3 and a half stars....this is a very detailed account of Baldwin’s legal battle over years, to try to resolve a custody arrangement for his daughter. I skimmed over parts of this as sometimes the legal terminology and details made my brain check out, but overall it is really sad that this child was put in the middle of this battle. Assuming that Baldwin’s account is accurate, Kim Basinger was ruthless in her desire to keep their daughter away from Baldwin. Very sad!
November 4, 2019
I hate to see families divided. Almost nothing makes me more sad. And this book delves onto divided families further divided by a system that has serious problems and borders on malicious motives. It was difficult to read because it represents thousands of families who are going through it daily. Glad I read it because I have new insights and compassions. It was brave of the author to make the effort and revisit a painful time.
May 25, 2025
He would have been better off just writing and article. What’s the point of this book? Most can afford a lawyer like he can. Yes the system is not pro father…hasn’t been for years.
Maybe his daughter didn’t want to liv3 with him. Again a one sided story.
On top of that at leas5 mention your ex wife’s name because I was drawing a blank.
Maybe his daughter didn’t want to liv3 with him. Again a one sided story.
On top of that at leas5 mention your ex wife’s name because I was drawing a blank.
July 22, 2017
Most insightful.
February 17, 2013
This fascinating insight into the divorce of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger is one of the most shocking celebrity tell-alls ever written. Baldwin goes after his ex-wife, framing her as a narcissistic nutcase surrounded by expensive attorneys. But the real focus of the book is on how messed-up the legal system is. High-paid lawyers have two goals: to drain the bank accounts of those involved in divorce and to favor the women in custody battles. Overworked judges always favor the wife and the entire legal system seems put in place by feminists whose goal is to get back at men, even in cases when the women are mostly to blame for marital conflict.
Balwin lays it all out and makes it interesting to read about. He names names and slams those who should be fired or prosecuted for some of their unethical acts. He tells stories that his daughter will not want to read about as she gets older. And he does it under the guise of wanting to make the legal system better for future litigants.
The problem with the book is that it doesn't go far enough and, as Baldwin admits at the beginning and end of the book, he can't tell the whole story. Many things are locked up under closed court records. Some things he wants to say he can't because he'd get sued if he did. Some guilty names are changed. And Baldwin fails to explain enough about his own infamous hotheaded actions.
So while this is a very worthwhile book to read, Alec should have taken more time to explain his own failures and how he contributed to the mistaken system that resulted in a three-year divorce battle, over $3 million spent, and 7 years of conflict over visitation rights. Most disappointing is how he handles his famous phone voice mail to his young daughter. He seems to blame everyone else for his demeaning words to the child while failing to really take responsibilities for his actions.
In the end the book should have been titled "A Promise to Myself," where Baldwin revealed his own failures and how he personally would change. Yet as we've seen in the last few years the actor has continued to have trouble controlling his anger and has made himself look bad, which only diminishes his attempt to claim it's the system that's broken. He's broken, and it would have helped his credibility if that would have come out more in this book.
Balwin lays it all out and makes it interesting to read about. He names names and slams those who should be fired or prosecuted for some of their unethical acts. He tells stories that his daughter will not want to read about as she gets older. And he does it under the guise of wanting to make the legal system better for future litigants.
The problem with the book is that it doesn't go far enough and, as Baldwin admits at the beginning and end of the book, he can't tell the whole story. Many things are locked up under closed court records. Some things he wants to say he can't because he'd get sued if he did. Some guilty names are changed. And Baldwin fails to explain enough about his own infamous hotheaded actions.
So while this is a very worthwhile book to read, Alec should have taken more time to explain his own failures and how he contributed to the mistaken system that resulted in a three-year divorce battle, over $3 million spent, and 7 years of conflict over visitation rights. Most disappointing is how he handles his famous phone voice mail to his young daughter. He seems to blame everyone else for his demeaning words to the child while failing to really take responsibilities for his actions.
In the end the book should have been titled "A Promise to Myself," where Baldwin revealed his own failures and how he personally would change. Yet as we've seen in the last few years the actor has continued to have trouble controlling his anger and has made himself look bad, which only diminishes his attempt to claim it's the system that's broken. He's broken, and it would have helped his credibility if that would have come out more in this book.
April 6, 2009
This isn't a tell-all book dishing dirt on his ex-wife, Kim Basinger. The point to this book was to point out the inherent conficts of interest and unfairness in the legal system involving family and divorce law, presumably in the hopes of raising awareness for the reader to help change some laws. There are some personal anecdotes, not only of his own experience (to the extent he was allowed to do so under his own legal constraints), but also those of several other men who told the author their stories of divorce. As is often the case, the stories defy common sense. Importantly, he spends a full chapter introducing the concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) to increase awareness of its existence to those who may be falling victim to it. There is also a chapter where he interviews a Harvard Law professor who expounds on the rise of women's rights in Law and how it is affecting family court cases as a result. I read this book because it apoke of father's rights, something I know my fellow stepmoms struggle with often on a daily basis (stepmoms/second wives even get a shout-out at the end for supporting their men through such craziness). But I was very glad to see the author frame the problems as FAMILY rights though, as it affects both sexes including the children involved. He does offer a few solutions which would need to happen though laws changing, as well as some things a person getting divorced might be able to do on their own within the current laws to make the situation better (ex: allow mediation and work towards it's sucess, don't just run to court).
The book is plainly written, but there is a lot of repetition in it as though the authors' intent was to produce stand-alone chapters for piecemeal reading. However, I don't think the chapters themselves turned out to stand on their own. Ultimately, the entire book should be read. It might have been good to have another chapter or so on choosing the right mate in the first place, or working through your issues and staying married as two additional options to avoid the craziness of divorce though.
The book is plainly written, but there is a lot of repetition in it as though the authors' intent was to produce stand-alone chapters for piecemeal reading. However, I don't think the chapters themselves turned out to stand on their own. Ultimately, the entire book should be read. It might have been good to have another chapter or so on choosing the right mate in the first place, or working through your issues and staying married as two additional options to avoid the craziness of divorce though.
April 7, 2016
Alec Baldwin says that trying to fix Parental Alienation Syndrome while in the midst of court proceedings is like trying to fix a car while driving it. "It's an overused term," one attorney told me. "I won't use that term in the courtroom," said yet another. This **** is real. This **** is evil. Yet, many courts do not recognize it. Why should they? Their would be less cases funding the broken machine that the "family court" system is here in the United States. Alienating a parent who had a loving connection with both parents before divorce court is the worst thing that one parent can do to another.
The excruciating pain (and cost) of protracted litigation coupled with a parent's desperately wanting to find out the smallest scrap of information about one's child (or children) is like none other. I, too, am a survivor of severe PAS. There are very few books on the topic that hit the nail on this head; this is one of them.
Baldwin's books is superior to others on the topic because of his message. He avoids getting into the details of a Hollywood divorce with gossipy details. To me his message is a warning to parents who are beginning to recognize the telltale signs of PAS, hopefully early on in their separation/divorce. If you love someone who is about to head into "family court hell" I would give them this book and pay particular attention to pages 204-214. The advice is sound and I wish to God that I had information like demanding a minimum of twelve divorce co-parenting sessions (in Massachusetts it is a pathetic couple hour course). And document everything.
To others (like myself) it is a book that I, unfortunately, identify strongly with. Reading this reminded me that I was not alone (even when I was convinced that I was) and for that I thank Alec Baldwin for sharing his painful story.
The excruciating pain (and cost) of protracted litigation coupled with a parent's desperately wanting to find out the smallest scrap of information about one's child (or children) is like none other. I, too, am a survivor of severe PAS. There are very few books on the topic that hit the nail on this head; this is one of them.
Baldwin's books is superior to others on the topic because of his message. He avoids getting into the details of a Hollywood divorce with gossipy details. To me his message is a warning to parents who are beginning to recognize the telltale signs of PAS, hopefully early on in their separation/divorce. If you love someone who is about to head into "family court hell" I would give them this book and pay particular attention to pages 204-214. The advice is sound and I wish to God that I had information like demanding a minimum of twelve divorce co-parenting sessions (in Massachusetts it is a pathetic couple hour course). And document everything.
To others (like myself) it is a book that I, unfortunately, identify strongly with. Reading this reminded me that I was not alone (even when I was convinced that I was) and for that I thank Alec Baldwin for sharing his painful story.
June 3, 2012
"A Promise to Ourselves" is a thought-provoking, candid look at the family court system as seen through the eyes of Mr. Baldwin. It was not promoted as a tell-all book, and in fact Mr. Baldwin went out of his way during the book's promotion to stress that. He went through some very tough times trying to gain even basic rights as a father, and the intent of this book is to share his experience (without bashing his ex-wife) and provide guidance to parents in similar situations.
He tells us about his frustration and heartbreak, and he's very candid and not afraid to show us his flaws and reveal his innermost feelings. I found his story to be quite compelling. During my career I have seen many cases of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and I know that the pain and frustration is very real. Many parents have given up on being a part of their children's lives because the obstacles were insurmountable. At the end of the book Mr. Baldwin provides practical information and advice with input from legal professionals. Clearly, this is an issue very close to his heart.
I hope that someday Mr. Baldwin writes a book about his life and career. That book would probably be entertaining and funny. However, this book is not about the life and career of a famous actor. He could be anyone - and that's the point.
He tells us about his frustration and heartbreak, and he's very candid and not afraid to show us his flaws and reveal his innermost feelings. I found his story to be quite compelling. During my career I have seen many cases of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and I know that the pain and frustration is very real. Many parents have given up on being a part of their children's lives because the obstacles were insurmountable. At the end of the book Mr. Baldwin provides practical information and advice with input from legal professionals. Clearly, this is an issue very close to his heart.
I hope that someday Mr. Baldwin writes a book about his life and career. That book would probably be entertaining and funny. However, this book is not about the life and career of a famous actor. He could be anyone - and that's the point.
July 13, 2015
Excellent and eye-opening information about the power of Parental Alienation in a divorce causing undeserved stress and damage to the child's psyche.
Lots of information about how the family law "system" works in the state of california, some of which undoubtedly occurs in other legal disciplines and into other countries in the world. There is something of the Old Boys Network within the court systems in this story, and if you didn't already know this, you will.
The book is easy to understand, and whether the ex-spouse does life differently than you like dressed the baby by putting the right arm into the tiny shirt first rather than the left, or made mac'n cheese out of a box instead of from scratch, the principle that both parents or their representatives need to work together and put the needs of the child ahead of everything. This is so important, especially when you know that the lawyers who go to court, use the child/children as pawns in a battle to win at any cost, and for any amount.
Anyway, for anyone considering collaborative law or a divorce in court where their are minors, there is a lot of valuable insight to be found within these pages, for both sides.
Lots of information about how the family law "system" works in the state of california, some of which undoubtedly occurs in other legal disciplines and into other countries in the world. There is something of the Old Boys Network within the court systems in this story, and if you didn't already know this, you will.
The book is easy to understand, and whether the ex-spouse does life differently than you like dressed the baby by putting the right arm into the tiny shirt first rather than the left, or made mac'n cheese out of a box instead of from scratch, the principle that both parents or their representatives need to work together and put the needs of the child ahead of everything. This is so important, especially when you know that the lawyers who go to court, use the child/children as pawns in a battle to win at any cost, and for any amount.
Anyway, for anyone considering collaborative law or a divorce in court where their are minors, there is a lot of valuable insight to be found within these pages, for both sides.
September 20, 2014
If someone is looking for a gossipy celebrity tell-all they will be highly disappointed with Mr. Baldwin's book. However, if someone is trying to get a handle on a high-conflict co-parenting situation this is a MUST READ.
In this cautionary tale, Alec Balwin describes his expensive and unproductive misadventures through our country's family law system. His account is candid, believable, and unfortunate.
Mr. Baldwin efficiently summarizes Dr. Richard Gardner's discoveries in the field of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) in a manner that is easy to read and understand. He also provides valuable advice on how to protect yourself and your family.
I highly recommend this book for anyone in a precarious co-parenting situation. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.
In this cautionary tale, Alec Balwin describes his expensive and unproductive misadventures through our country's family law system. His account is candid, believable, and unfortunate.
Mr. Baldwin efficiently summarizes Dr. Richard Gardner's discoveries in the field of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) in a manner that is easy to read and understand. He also provides valuable advice on how to protect yourself and your family.
I highly recommend this book for anyone in a precarious co-parenting situation. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.
April 22, 2011
I don't like the guy's politics, but this book isn't political. The quality of the book is also not in the writing. But it is in the message. Alec's message also doesn't bash his ex-wife, but in it he talks about a type of abuse he is affected by which is going on under the radar of our society. It involves the emotional abuse of a child being pitted against one parent by the other. He does not use the term Parental Alienation, but this is what he's referring to.
It is an important book inasmuch as it brings more awareness to a topic that badly needs to be brought to the surface of our society.
It is an important book inasmuch as it brings more awareness to a topic that badly needs to be brought to the surface of our society.
Read
May 24, 2009This book is a must read for anyone who's been through a divorce with children involved or knows anyone who's been through a divorce with children involved. Although much of the book is based on Alec's own story, it is mostly a very frank, honest look at the divorce "industry" which in this county is a $28 BILLION a year money-maker.
Sadly, there are not many suggestions for change in the system. He does mention several groups that are trying to gain legislative change, but against the big lobbies of attorneys and counselors it doesn't seem very hopeful right now.
Sadly, there are not many suggestions for change in the system. He does mention several groups that are trying to gain legislative change, but against the big lobbies of attorneys and counselors it doesn't seem very hopeful right now.
June 26, 2012
I learned quite a bit about family law and America's legal system concerning divorce in Alec Baldwin's book. I also commend him for writing about a period of his life that was clearly a difficult time. What I would have liked to learn that I didn't was how things eventually panned out for him. I do realize that elements of his custody battle might not have been fully resolved at the printing of this book.
December 14, 2012
I'm not really a fan, though Alec Baldwin seems like an interesting person. This book gave some insight into who he is, and covered the story of his divorce well. It's worth reading for the viewpoint on divorce and child custody. It is probably not a great read for fans. The book is true to the intro and cover paragraphs, which is what I set my expectations by, and I found it to be a satisfying read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews