How to Kill a Narcissist: Debunking the Myth of Narcissism and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Kill A Narcissist #1

by J.H. Simon

Narcissism is an overwhelming and confusing topic. But when you reveal its mask, you see that it is basically a lie, told to those who are vulnerable.

Narcissistic abuse, by nature, is designed to keep you trapped in shame-based vertigo. It doesn’t just go away because you know it exists. Narcissism creates a set of beliefs, behaviours and paradigms in its target which must be changed from the inside.

‘How To Kill A Narcissist’ is a book with two aims:

1. To reveal the rotten core of the narcissistic personality so you can see it clearly
2. To present you with an inside-out strategy for healing, recovery and freedom

Whether you are dealing with narcissistic parents, husbands, wives, friends, bosses or colleagues, the same philosophy will apply. After reading ‘How To Kill A Narcissist’, you will:

- Become aware of the damage narcissistic abuse has done to your psyche and how to heal it
- See how the narcissist uses shame as a weapon to fool you into feeling inferior
- Understand the playing field which narcissists thrive on and how to stop playing their game
- Learn how the narcissist uses mind control to break down and rebuild your identity for the purpose of subjugation
- Gain tools for disarming a narcissist i.e. starving them of their narcissistic supply
- Have taken a closer look beyond the label of narcissistic personality disorder

‘How To Kill A Narcissist’ takes an enlightening look at the dynamic between a narcissist and their target. It takes you on a deep journey and describes:

- How we unwittingly qualify as targets of narcissists
- The shame/grandiosity continuum and how the narcissist uses it to crush your self-esteem
- The law of grandiosity and how it influences our relationships with the self-absorbed
- The effect that narcissism has on its target including: toxic shame, a dissociated mind and a weakened ego
- The obstacles which keep you trapped in a cycle of narcissistic abuse: the psychological cage, love starvation, low shame tolerance, guilt and conditioning to shamelessness

Using an inside-out approach, ‘How To Kill A Narcissist’ presents the seven practices for recovery and healing:

1. Get allies: Boost self-esteem through limbic resonance
2. Give shape to your true self: Uncover disowned parts of the self and restore wholeness
3. Skill up: Empower yourself
4. Flex your muscles: Challenge the psychological cage and come out of hiding
5. Even the scale: Restore balance to your relationships
6. Boundaries: Foster a strong sense of self and firmly protect it
7. Scorched earth: Disengage from those who wish to manipulate you

Each practice is designed to instil you with independence, strength, emotional resilience and awareness while allowing you to cultivate balanced, loving relationships and pursue a life of passion.

This is the art of killing a narcissist.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Relationships, Abuse, Health

118 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 18, 2016

About the author

Writer from the Levant on a hero’s journey toward truth. Exploring power dynamics in life and love, through fiction and philosophy.

Reviews

[Michael Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

No handy tips on murder or how to get away with it.

[Elle (ellexamines on TT & Substack) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a book I would’ve found somewhat more helpful a few years ago. There are several suggestions it makes for coping with narcissism or improving yourself—specifically, with regards to setting your own boundaries—that I think I really needed to hear two few years ago. It was slightly more of a basic handbook. I think it works very well as what it is.

And some of it was soooo horrifically on the nose to people I’ve known. It was never the brutal parts that got me; I’d generally identified stuff like straight-up gaslighting already. But specific details like comparing you unfavorably to a bad ex, little jokes about how they knew you better than everyone else, flipping the “abuse” narrative onto you, ditching you and then accusing you of abandoning them… those got me.

I’m really not sure I buy that some people are just biologically narcissistic, and everyone else is just biologically different. “You are biologically different; you have been blessed with the ability to feel shame and guilt” strikes me as a take meant to exempt the reader from having to critically think about our *own* behavior [I don’t meant to those with narcissistic traits, I mean to loved ones]. The overall point he builds to, though, is a good one—that in order to overcome a history of relationships with those with narcissistic traits, you have to believe more in your own grandeur.

Overall a good book, and extremely entertaining to read with friends.

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[Matt Kuehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Revelatory information

I'm glad now to finally have the information provided in this book to let these narcissistic people go and to be happy that they're moving on from my life I'm glad the author has actually got an in-depth understanding of the narcissist and how to defeat them and I'm actually worthy of love and respect regardless of what they actually said about me that's total lies kudos to the author for finally giving me inside and perspective on this matter that I struggle with for so many years

[Miriam Jacobs · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book's primary audience is women who have been treated badly by self-absorbed men. The writer does not address the problem of clinical narcissism or its effects on the children of clinical narcissists, which somehow the title led me to believe it would. Perhaps the flaw, therefore, is really at least in part my own expectations. Still, the gist of it would amount to about a paragraph without the padding and repetition.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

The effects of dealing with someone with a personality disorder can't be explained, maybe one has to go through it to really get it, but this book discusses some key elements to narcissism which I think are really helpful for everyone.

The title of the book at once catches your attention, but also is confusing as hell until you read it. The myth of narcissism is not that narcissism is false, but that we believe what the narcissist creates for the victim, the myth that the narcissist is better and wiser than everyone else.

Clarification on shame, true self, false self are really interesting and spot on. If you've been abused by a narcissist it is hard to get past the anger and hurt and self blame. When when you realize they are doing everything in their power to avoid their true self, well, you almost feel sorry for them. Almost. But the best emotion to have for a narcissist is contempt. Not, I focus on you every minute of the day contempt, but I don't have time for your bullshit because it's just so lame contempt.

The final few chapters of the book made it worth reading to me. I got stuck around the middle part but picked up my reading speed near the end.

I believe we should all be reading about narcissism and other personality disorders, but specifically narcissism because it seems to be at least a trait many of the other personality disorders exhibit as well.

[Aarti Patel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an amazing resource for those who face being a perpetual target of narcissistic abuse. The words will resonate with thoughts you've had before and your desire to live the life you deserve and wish to protect. I like how the author doesn't sugarcoat the message, and while asserting that allies are important toward living an independent life, highlights that your own inner strength is key and also available to you. You have to reconnect with who you are and allow life back in after most likely a long, confusing, uncertain, and scary period of life. A time during which a narcissist keeps trying to revolve you around them, steal your energy and attention, and usurp your innate potential for health and true sense of self. There are actionable steps in here, as well as a very revealing look behind the curtain of how a narcissist appears and acts on the surface. There's an in-depth look at narcissistic lack of shame, along with the excessive shame a narcissist wishes to instill in his or her target.

I've read other books on narcissism and what makes this one different is the focus on the individual and the avoidance of too much hand holding and prescriptive advice. The book spells out an organic process, one led by you and one that's not meant to be perfect or some miraculous overnight transformation. You have to be with yourself, open to going on a journey that itself feels uncertain even while it can be exciting and adventurous. The book also helps you see clearly the narcissist-bent society we live in, one that tends to enable people who are trying to have this kind of power over others. Can you tell I like this book? If you're trying to reclaim your life from the nasty influence of a narcissist, please check out this book. You may not agree with every word in it, but the parts that hit, hit hard.

[lorri woods · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart warrior

I am so thankful for this book 📚 The in depth description of this insanity was revealing to me. I am not the crazy one! The techniques on protecting oneself from the crazies is invaluable. NegoTiating my anger and connecting with my authentic self has been healing for me.it is very icky to understand that you have been a target. Thank you for your intelligence and care. I highly recommend How to Kill A Narcissist : Debunking The Myth Of Narcism and Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

[Melissa T · Rating 2 out of 5]

* I won a copy of this book via Goodreads Giveaways*

Narcisissm is an ugly beast. While the author does an okay (albeit overly repetitive) job of explaining the cycle of the narcissist and their shame feeding cycle, this book left me feeling disappointed. There is entirely too much repetition of how a narcissist pulls in a "target" shames them, ridicules them, gives them a little bit of love to keep them coming back and then starts the process all over again.

I had a feeling that I might not enjoy this quite so much when there was an actual clarifying sentence in the book that this book was not actually about killing someone. That killed the hope for me. If you have to take time to clarify that, it seems that you're making the assumption that readers aren't intelligent enough to figure that out themselves.

I was hoping that this would focus more on how to overcome the influence of a narcissist, and how to heal from that, since that's what the main claim of the book is. But, it feels like this portion of the book was shortchanged. The information is very general, and not supported by discernible research. The author also doesn't appear to have any formal credentials of their own, which may account for the lack of research.

There is a list of resources at the back of the book, which I appreciated, but I recall only maybe one or two of these being mentioned.

My attention started to wane around page 90. I pushed through because I was curious to see the practices that were going to be explored for the purposes of healing.

Again, these are very general and simplistic. The tone of the book felt very pushy, rather than informative.

If you don't have much experience with narcissim, and are looking for a general place to start, and an easy read you might try this. But, if you're looking for concrete research, or more than general platitudes, this isn't the book for you.

[Corrine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mind blowing read for me

I am seeking divorce from my husband. Discovering the depth of his deceptive nature and the danger he put me in the whole time I knew him, it was all too much to take in. Infidelity, money lies, fake personality.i could go on and on. Reading this book has been life changing for me. I can see clearly for the first time since finding out about the truth of my marriage. I have a long way to go to recovery, but this book will most definitely be part of that journey for me. Thank you to the author for keeping things like this in an easy to understand read. My mind has been awakened.

[tbolden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solution oriented book! Period.

This is an excellent book because the author provides solutions to help you identify what YOU are doing to fuel the narcissist. This book provides solutions so you can self-correct what are you doing, and it provides you with the tools for YOU to heal, and regain control of your life and stops you from being manipulated. A must read for “former” victims! THIS IS SELF-DEFENSE.

[The Lion's Share · Rating 2 out of 5]

This kind of misses the point about informing people about narcissism.

It’s called how to kill a narcissist because it preys on selling the book to people who want revenge against their narcissistic abusers. That’s not the answer.

As it clearly states in the book, the anger should be directed at the disease not the narcissist. To be a narcissist you would need to have received narcissistic abuse. So to have no empathy for a narcissist, is narcissistic in itself.

We live in an age of narcissism and 99% of people have no fucking clue what it really is. Most people think it’s to love your yourself - no it means self loathing.

There are 7 classifications of narcissism which are not in this book:

1. Grandiose - the poster child of narcissism aka Donald trump. They seem like they love themselves, but deep down like all narcs, they loathe themselves.

2. Covert narcissism - the victim approach

3. Malignant narcissism - the dangerous one aka Hitler or Pablo Escobar.

4. Communal narcissism - the one that can do no wrong in the eye of the public because of their good deeds.

5. Neglectful narcissism - the type that uses and discards you for all the jobs they hate.

6. Benign narcissism - the fun lover that wants all the attention and to have all the fun and never grow up, avoiding paying attention to the admin of life.

7. Self righteous narcissism - the one that knows better than you and has oh such higher morals than you.

Social media is the biggest enabler of narcissism and the patriarchy is just a blanket smoke screen that disguises the real disease, which is the shame avoidance mechanism that feeds the real plague of this world - Narcissism.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Of all the philosophers in the world - I can't on principle give a book 5* that quotes the wisdom of Queen Latifah and Kid Rock. I found this book problematic in places and despite all its 'strive for love and sunshine' energy it lacked a lot of compassion for power hungry people. In this day and age we all have narcissistic qualities, the book rightfully agrees with that. Why not have the world view that narcissists are people struggling? rather than trying to kill them and 'scorch the earth' they stand on let's work to understand how we can help to support them (as well as ourselves). Otherwise, aren't we just perpetuating a vicious cycle of prioritising our sense of self?

[J. Gonzalez- Blitz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good primer that may help some disentangle from narcissists and their games, but things like developing stronger boundaries or sense of self worth may need their own exploration.

[Matthew Hodge · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really want to give this about 2.5 stars. On the positive side, it explains what a narcissist is and reminds the reader rather starkly how strongly you need to stand up against them.

However, the "solution" to the victim - that they need to get in touch with their true self - seems to me to be part of the ongoing problem that causes narcissism in the first place.

Essentially, we have a class of people in society that follow their own instincts (which seem to be 100% self-centred) rather than conforming to any outward set of values.

So encouraging victims to connect to their true self seems to be more of the same. What about adopting a set of values that involves caring for those around us and living by that *regardless* of our own instincts.

Surely that's what we need to return to?

[Lynn Tait · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure I'd care for this book based on the title (which is misleading), but it was rather uplifting. Many of these types of books are very angry and make all narcs and passive aggressives out to be pure evil. The focus is on healing from those strange, confusing and sometimes stupid encounters/relationships with them, and talks about their lack of shame. Whether with intent or not, it takes a while to recover from one and I can't imagine having to deal with one as a spouse or family member. Some very good advice, here, and ways to change your own behavior and work around theirs.

[Teri Mendez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read with helpful tips on healing post narcissist relationship

I liked this book because it was a practical guide for overcoming the damage that a narcissist can inflict. This writer has great insight as to why the damage is done and ways to overcome unhealthy patterns in a blameless way.

[Deidre · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow !

After many videos and blogs , this book sums up handling narcissistic abuse and how to recover from it beautifully.
Anyone currently in one of these relationships should read this . Very informative .

[Olga Frolova · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how, differently from other books on the subject, it gives practical tips of how to recover and move on, rather just dwelling on npd only. Constructive. Good read.

[Ciarán · Rating 5 out of 5]

A high quality book that will restore a great sense of faith and hope in your life if you are suffering at the hands of a narcissistic abuser. I recommend this book for everyone as resources such as this can help to make us all aware of the hidden narcissists in our lives as well. This book offers continual reassurance, encouragement and a long term road map for the reader to achieve personal freedom. It should be noted that the author does devote a significant part of the book to mindfulness practices. As a Catholic I cannot endorse Mindfulness as it can be spiritually dangerous. However, even if my religious beliefs do not align with that of Buddha, it is good for me to learn about Mindfulness from the perspective of those who practice it, in order for me to be able to effectively argue against it. I still give this book 5 stars, because it is so brilliantly researched, written clearly, welled structured and introduces the reader to valuable life skills.

[Lynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of good tips on how to deal with a narcissist, which is a help espec. since too many people are stuck with one in their life in the form of an elderly parent who needs help or a child under 18, or some other relative that can not be abandoned. But! Did anyone else find it depressing when it advised against having much to do with recently-met people who seem to be coming on too friendly without "logging the hours" that a took-years-to-grow, real, bona fide friendship requires because such a person could well be a narcissist? What about the person being not a narcissist at all but some poor lonely-through-no-fault-of-their-own person who's recently moved to the area and who is old enough to realize they don't have a lot of years left to "log all those hours" that a real friendship requires?

You know, a lot of the self-help community, while out of one side of their mouths bemoaning the fact that people don't have friends like they used to, sure seem to be ready to out of the other side of their mouths advise people against being open to friendship (or at least comforting acquaintanceship) possibilities. Is this some kind of cover-your-a$$ counseling practice so no matter what they advise, there'll be fewer repercussions?

[Judy Churchill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good. Useful suggestions.

[Shawn Lowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful and straightforward. It contained great ideas on how to reclaim your life after narcissistic abuse. I recommend it for anyone trying to recover. I've been the victim of two NPD's and have simply had enough. I want my life back. They have taken pieces of me that I won't get back, but I am stronger anyway and will not allow this behavior in my life any longer. This book gave me some great ideas for helping me.

[Gee · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5
This book is a good introduction to narcissism. Looking at the warning signs, triggers and things to protect yourself from this kind of personality and behaviour.
Generally a fascinating read, lots of helpful tips and of course I made notes!

A good take away message: To make lasting changes you need to need to address the core of the problem. Protect yourself from others. You can change your friends, family and walk away from relationships but if you cannot change the issues at the core, the cycle repeats.

I made many notes and am essentially using this as a dump of all my notes that I can refer back too!



What makes someone a target? ->
Empaths usually healers, someone who craves love and connection more than most- sensitive emotion - blinding emotional system. Inner beauty, weak boundaries. Unmet needs overwhelming craving for love.

Narcissist's typically enjoy the unfair balance of power. Use it to look down on others, cause someone to talk less and they say certain things to get emotional reactions from others which they can feed from.
Narcissistic have no shame - sense of grandiose is high and they get this from making other people feel like shit. No self reflection or limitations to their life. As they are shameless they reflect all shame back onto the other person - healthy shame is a balance and is human.
It is important to be aware of how someone makes you feel and have that self-reflection.

As long as the narcissist has their victims attention that's all they need - they have won.
Narcissists are never their true vulnerable self as they don't know who they are. They put on a false self 24/7, they live in a specific reality and play a role. They use vulnerability as a sense of control and manipulation - narcissistic likes person worshipping them and having them on a pedestal. A true connection with a narcissist is impossible as they cannot be truly vulnerable.
Typically have a nice person persona, charming, keep playing nice to not upset the target.
It gets to a point where the target is not given a voice - cannot stand up for themselves or others.
Target is not given a voice

Warning signs of narcissistic abuse: Well tuned ego, Inability to understand and process feelings, Leave a lot of life decisions to other people, Poor memory, Increased anxiety, Alienation from self (do you know who you are?), Weak relationships - constant fear of abandonment.

Treat others as you want to be treated is the golden rule most humans follow. Narcissists take advantage of that and use the emotions of others as a tool.

If you don't control your mind, someone else will.
Tactics:
Charm - I like you, engaging and quick - intense, agreeable, share interests, undivided attention "love bombing" any attention will be welcomed - establish rapport and get the person invested in relationship - can be switched on and off "highs and lows".
Judgements on their insecurity, fishing for insecurities - break down sense of reality and create a new one, makes you question yourself, your own judgement, makes you feel like you cannot trust yourself and your own reality.
Feeding a victim a new identity - be whatever the narcissistic need you to be - question your relationships and people around you.
Uses a reward and punishment strategy - leads to highs and lows. "If you act right you get my love and attention, if you act wrong I pull away, get mad and stonewall".

Common the same dynamics are played over again unless a person can make changes.
People who are starved of love, affection (family/friends/childhood)- narcissist abuse this
Fear of freedom - incapable of living an independence life - illusion of security
Guilt - strict expectations from the narcissistic, a lot of your choices then driven by guilt, people please, do what others want you do do - fear of upsetting the individual and never living the life you want.
Feel these feelings - notice these and move forward to make changes.

Relationships mean being vulnerable -if this is coerced by someone who did not respect that or you that is not a real relationship. Relationships are based on respect and mutual trust.

1. Healing toxic shame
2. Come back to reality - stay in touch with feelings and life situations
3. Master emotions - awareness, function and feel then, strength the emotion and mind
4. Healthy ego - think clearly and affectively - act differently to how you feel, make choice
5. Solid sense of self - power of choice
6. Firm boundaries - protect your true self
7. Enjoy humanity and enjoy passion

1. Get allies - engage and stay with emotions, feel deeply, be understood, accepted and loved - anyone who is afraid of their own emotions won't be able to offer limbic residence. One cannot be human without connecting with emotions. True self needs to feel safe and supported. Therapy-> express yourself as you actually are, speak your thoughts, safe environment and release shame - sharing can be healing. Express emotions, stay with emotions, conscious and get in touch with difficult emotions. Share hopes, dreams and face reality. Therapist can challenge delusions, accept responsibility of life and make changes. Withstand and learn about emotions. Friends- offer a unique love and connection, balance, equality - build a healthy and lasting relationship - clock up enough hours to gain trust rather than letting everyone in. Find your shield.

2. Unleash your true self- safe space to think and feel. Self awareness and responsibility. Notice the emotions and give it shape. Meditation and self remembrance.

3. Skill up- living up to potential and face uncomfortable emotions. Raise personal bar and build internal strength and resilience. Confidence breeds Confidence.

4. Flex your muscles- skills about gaining confidence, be open to the critique of others, stand out and be vulnerable

5. Even the scale - create relationships with balance, emotional investment, time and effort. Emotional investment trap- narcissists mirror emotions, as long as you're engaged you feed them and they pretend to empathise, understand or create drama to suck you back in. Humour trap - they can hide ridicule in "humour", brush insults off as a "joke" which can ridicule and eat away at self esteem. Conversation trap- engage and turn things on themselves, like you don't exist, interest should be mutual not all one sided.

6. Boundaries - narcissist sees you as an object "mine to own and control", pressure, expect them to be an open book, want to know everything and feel entitled to everything about a person. Respectful people are clear about what is and is not okay. Unless you say no more it will be easy to not uphold boundaries- solid sense of self to enforce boundaries. Basic human rights. Cope and process with guilt.
No creates choices rather than a reluctant yes which can be a form of self-harm. Knowing your state of mind and body - following that and trusting yourself. Those who care about you will respect you when you say no and make your own choices. How much of our time and resources shall we offer others - 7 types of boundaries.

7. Scorched earth - refuse to play the game, disengaged from a narcissistic. Raise standard for relationships. Emotional responses feed the narcissistic - do not feed them.
Trust and verify - Trust that everything's will be okay, be alert but rested, monitor what is good or bad for us

Reinforce practises, change structures and relationships in life, is this serving me, which relationships and structures are oppressive.

Narcissist don't play by the same rules, they engaged on a survival instinct rather than human, when they pull and string and get a response they win. Need firm boundaries such as no contact - switch things back to yourself and your own journey. The less time and energy you give the narcissist you kill them, taking away their emotional resource. Takes courage and persistence to make these changes.

[Chris Hyde · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most practical book on recovery from narcissistic abuse that I've read. Simple, easy to read, and with practical steps. Highly recommended.

[Kyra Watkin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent advice, especially if you are a parent or family member of a narcissist. It gives real advice that works if you have to interact with a narcissist.

[Angela Tothill · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good info but nothing I didn't already know

The biggest issue I had with this book is the author assuming that if you're dealing with a narcissist in your life it's because you have low self-esteem or confidence. That you don't understand how or why you got in this situation. Or you don't know the narcissist is trying to gaslight you. If you have a strong sense of self, you know better than to buy the narcissist's BS. The author's tone came off too condescending in that sense. We're not all wounded birds lost and confused. If you're interested in buying the book, you already know your situation. Luckily, the sanctimonious tone stops when it gets to the steps to take to take power away from the narcissist.

That being said, I gave it 3 stars because he does give helpful information on forcing the narcissist to respect your boundaries. None of it was earth shattering revaluations. Most I've already been doing.

However, if you're at a loss of what to do or how to deal with the narcissist, this book might help. It was a reminder that I need to keep my mouth shut and stop engaging in arguments the narcissist starts. My biggest flaw since I tend to fight battles hoping to be understood. You won't be. I know this and yet I still engage. Not as much as I used to but more than I should.

If you have a strong sense of self, you're probably not falling prey to the mind games narcissists like to play. You might find this book has helpful info.

If you don't have a strong sense of self and believe what the narcissist is telling you then PLEASE read this book and reclaim your true self!

[Kitty Hilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great help in Understanding the basis for the chaos in your life

Great reference for determining the cause of the chaos in your life. All your unfulfilled feelings are not going to be met by a narcissist this book explains how that happens.

[Laura Drake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical, Informative, Provokes emotional responses while offering ways to heal

This book was very informative. While emotionally difficult to read at times, it was also uplifting. It offers a practical approach to learning how to interact with the world after being cut down by a narcissist as well as uplifting hope to finding oneself after experiencing the shame and guilt tripping of the narcissist in one's life.

[Peter Antoniac · Rating 4 out of 5]

Looking for balance in your life when dealing with narcissistic people? Look no more...

A nice read with lots of insights into the narcissistic mind. There was a bit of repetition in some practices, hence the one star less. A must read for those needing a balance in life to deal with narcissistic personality disorder affected people.

[Jacqueline Sherlock · Rating 4 out of 5]

An informative book which helped me to recognise and come to terms with the narcissists in my life and to learn some valuable tips on how to deal with them. The information contained is not extensive, hence the 4 star rating, but it is well written nonetheless. I would recommend wider reading for a more extensive knowledge of this personality disorder.