What do you think?
Rate this book
How to Be a Person in the World: Ask Polly's Guide Through the Paradoxes of Modern Life
New York Times Bestseller • From the "best advice columnist of her generation” ( Esquire ) comes a hilarious, frank, and witty collection of all-new responses, plus a few greatest hits from the beloved "Ask Polly" column in New York magazine’s The Cut.
Should you quit your day job to follow your dreams? How do you rein in an overbearing mother? Will you ever stop dating wishy-washy, noncommittal guys? Should you put off having a baby for your career?
Heather Havrilesky is here to guide you through the “what if’s” and “I don’t knows” of modern life with the signature wisdom and tough love her readers have come to expect. Whether she’s responding to cheaters or loners, lovers or haters, the anxious or the down-and-out, Havrilesky writes with equal parts grace, humor, and compassion to remind you that even in your darkest moments you’re not alone.
Should you quit your day job to follow your dreams? How do you rein in an overbearing mother? Will you ever stop dating wishy-washy, noncommittal guys? Should you put off having a baby for your career?
Heather Havrilesky is here to guide you through the “what if’s” and “I don’t knows” of modern life with the signature wisdom and tough love her readers have come to expect. Whether she’s responding to cheaters or loners, lovers or haters, the anxious or the down-and-out, Havrilesky writes with equal parts grace, humor, and compassion to remind you that even in your darkest moments you’re not alone.
272 pages, Paperback
First published June 28, 2016
420 people are currently reading
9949 people want to read
About the author
Heather Havrilesky
13 books508 followersHeather Havrilesky writes the popular Ask Polly advice column on Substack and is the author of What If This Were Enough?, How to Be a Person in the World, and Disaster Preparedness. She has written for the New Yorker, the Atlantic, the New York Times Magazine, and NPR’s All Things Considered, among others, and also maintains the Ask Molly newsletter, written by Polly’s evil twin. She lives in Durham, North Carolina, with her husband, two daughters, and two dogs.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 473 reviews
September 10, 2021
2021 Update: I agree that this review was unnecessarily harsh. I wrote it at a time when I wrote harsh reviews, partly because I was in a crusty mood because I’d gone through some very dark sh*t, also because I was sure no one would ever, ever actually see them. Most of my reviews are written for my own benefit because I tend to forget things the moment they leave my field of vision and I’d like to remember what I did and didn’t enjoy about the things I read.
2016 review:
I was hoping for insight, warmth, compassion à la Cheryl Strayed of Dear Sugar. But this is not Tiny Beautiful Things. This is all the hashtags: #whitegirlproblems #firstworldproblems #millennialproblems.
The funny thing is that I embody all those hashtags too. I should have loved this. I should have felt like it spoke to me directly. But I feel like I’m from an different planet than the people who write to Dear Polly.
I often say that it’s senseless to compare degrees of suffering. But reading about wedding drama and crushes on strangers and the angst of “wannabe Buddhists” made me want to shake these people and scream “LOOK AROUND YOU AND WEEP WITH GRATITUDE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE every single day you wake up and take another breath, you spoiled brat. Suck it up, stand up for yourself, move on.” 90% of what's written about in this book struck me as trivial and selfish. I wish I hadn’t wasted the money. Sorry. :-/
2016 review:
I was hoping for insight, warmth, compassion à la Cheryl Strayed of Dear Sugar. But this is not Tiny Beautiful Things. This is all the hashtags: #whitegirlproblems #firstworldproblems #millennialproblems.
The funny thing is that I embody all those hashtags too. I should have loved this. I should have felt like it spoke to me directly. But I feel like I’m from an different planet than the people who write to Dear Polly.
I often say that it’s senseless to compare degrees of suffering. But reading about wedding drama and crushes on strangers and the angst of “wannabe Buddhists” made me want to shake these people and scream “LOOK AROUND YOU AND WEEP WITH GRATITUDE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE every single day you wake up and take another breath, you spoiled brat. Suck it up, stand up for yourself, move on.” 90% of what's written about in this book struck me as trivial and selfish. I wish I hadn’t wasted the money. Sorry. :-/
October 17, 2016
I lovedlovedloved this collection of advice columns from Ask Polly, who I admit I hadn't heard of before this book was published.
Heather Havrilesky, who is the author behind the weekly column, uses stories from her own life, tough talk and a fair number of swear words to make her point to readers. The questions in this book include situations involving family squabbles, cheating spouses, loneliness, sexual abuse, grief, and a wide variety relationship issues. Basically, the stuff of modern life.
Anyone who read and liked Cheryl Strayed's book "Tiny Beautiful Things," which is a collection of her advice columns from Dear Sugar, would also like this Ask Polly book. I highly recommend it to anyone who appreciates wise words from a savvy friend.
Favorite Quotes
[from the Author's Note]
"I don't always feel qualified to guide other people to a better life. As a writer, even when I'm sitting down to start a book review or a cultural essay, as I've done professionally for years now, the blank page mocks me. 'What could you possibly have to say?' it asks. 'When are you going to give this up and do something useful with your life?' The blank page can be a real asshole sometimes."
"The world has told you lies about how small you are. You will look back on this time and say, 'I had it all, but I didn't even know it. I was at the center, I could breathe in happiness, I could swim to the moon. I had everything I needed.'"
"I contain worlds. I have many interests and many tastes, and I give zero fucks about those who question my choices. I am doing my best to build a better world around me."
"So many people are allergic to confessional outspoken women. And let's face it, we're not always serving the common good. We're neurotic motherfuckers with way too much on our minds at all times."
"You have to recognize that people like you will always feel some tension between themselves and the world. We're tempted to provoke, to deliberately rub people the wrong way. We do this because we're pissed that the world isn't kind to us. We're sick of being treated badly just because we have unusual preferences and strong opinions and we talk a little too much ... Nothing is quite as hard as being a sensitive, aggressive weirdo."
"You can feel terrible and also feel fully alive. You can feel crushed and also feel inspired and hopeful. In your darkest moments, look for some hope. It's there."
"Listen to me: We women can't do anything right. We can't say what we mean, we can't be ourselves, we can't age, we can't talk about feelings, we can't fuck up. This is how it feels to be a woman, motherfucker. The world is filled with human beings who want us to shut up and shake our asses -- the end."
"I used to admire people who could hang with anything. Now the women I admire the most are women who never pretend to be different than they are. Women like that express their anger. They admit when they're down. They don't beat themselves up over their bad moods. They allow themselves to be grumpy sometimes. They grant themselves the right to be grouchy, or to say nothing, or to decline your offer without a lengthy explanation. Sometimes it seems like the rest of us are on a never-ending self-improvement conveyor belt. We're running faster and faster, struggling to be our best selves, but every day we fail and hate ourselves for it."
"Painting someone as weak or pathetic for feeling hurt or overwhelmed or heartbroken is inexcusable. It's antihuman. This world is filled with people who think feeling less, being indifferent, makes you strong. Don't believe that. Be one of the smart, thoughtful people who stands up for sensitive people. When you stand up for sensitive, hurt people, you're also standing up for vulnerability and authenticity and true love."
"Remember this year? It was a good year, actually. This was the year you stopped waiting around for things to happen. And somehow, as soon as you stopped waiting, as soon as you stated doing things, making things, claiming your own space, speaking up for yourself? That's when your real life began."
"Hitting age forty means accepting your limitations, your own decline, and the decline of EVERYONE YOU FUCKING KNOW. If you don't accept it, you'll feel even worse. This is why we oldish people buy so many books about aging and dying. Because our culture won't let us admit that we're going to fall apart slowly and then die, so we have to find ways to face it on our own."
"Every morning, you will wake up and see that life is all about fumbling and accepting that you're fumbling. It's all about saying nice things to yourself, even when you're lazy, even when you're lost. It's about giving yourself the love you need in order to try."
"Life is just life, for all of us. There is no golden life. We all have to face ourselves, every day. No amount of fame or money in the world can cushion you from the mundane trials of everyday existence. Those who believe otherwise are young and naive, and they fundamentally misunderstand this world."
Heather Havrilesky, who is the author behind the weekly column, uses stories from her own life, tough talk and a fair number of swear words to make her point to readers. The questions in this book include situations involving family squabbles, cheating spouses, loneliness, sexual abuse, grief, and a wide variety relationship issues. Basically, the stuff of modern life.
Anyone who read and liked Cheryl Strayed's book "Tiny Beautiful Things," which is a collection of her advice columns from Dear Sugar, would also like this Ask Polly book. I highly recommend it to anyone who appreciates wise words from a savvy friend.
Favorite Quotes
[from the Author's Note]
"I don't always feel qualified to guide other people to a better life. As a writer, even when I'm sitting down to start a book review or a cultural essay, as I've done professionally for years now, the blank page mocks me. 'What could you possibly have to say?' it asks. 'When are you going to give this up and do something useful with your life?' The blank page can be a real asshole sometimes."
"The world has told you lies about how small you are. You will look back on this time and say, 'I had it all, but I didn't even know it. I was at the center, I could breathe in happiness, I could swim to the moon. I had everything I needed.'"
"I contain worlds. I have many interests and many tastes, and I give zero fucks about those who question my choices. I am doing my best to build a better world around me."
"So many people are allergic to confessional outspoken women. And let's face it, we're not always serving the common good. We're neurotic motherfuckers with way too much on our minds at all times."
"You have to recognize that people like you will always feel some tension between themselves and the world. We're tempted to provoke, to deliberately rub people the wrong way. We do this because we're pissed that the world isn't kind to us. We're sick of being treated badly just because we have unusual preferences and strong opinions and we talk a little too much ... Nothing is quite as hard as being a sensitive, aggressive weirdo."
"You can feel terrible and also feel fully alive. You can feel crushed and also feel inspired and hopeful. In your darkest moments, look for some hope. It's there."
"Listen to me: We women can't do anything right. We can't say what we mean, we can't be ourselves, we can't age, we can't talk about feelings, we can't fuck up. This is how it feels to be a woman, motherfucker. The world is filled with human beings who want us to shut up and shake our asses -- the end."
"I used to admire people who could hang with anything. Now the women I admire the most are women who never pretend to be different than they are. Women like that express their anger. They admit when they're down. They don't beat themselves up over their bad moods. They allow themselves to be grumpy sometimes. They grant themselves the right to be grouchy, or to say nothing, or to decline your offer without a lengthy explanation. Sometimes it seems like the rest of us are on a never-ending self-improvement conveyor belt. We're running faster and faster, struggling to be our best selves, but every day we fail and hate ourselves for it."
"Painting someone as weak or pathetic for feeling hurt or overwhelmed or heartbroken is inexcusable. It's antihuman. This world is filled with people who think feeling less, being indifferent, makes you strong. Don't believe that. Be one of the smart, thoughtful people who stands up for sensitive people. When you stand up for sensitive, hurt people, you're also standing up for vulnerability and authenticity and true love."
"Remember this year? It was a good year, actually. This was the year you stopped waiting around for things to happen. And somehow, as soon as you stopped waiting, as soon as you stated doing things, making things, claiming your own space, speaking up for yourself? That's when your real life began."
"Hitting age forty means accepting your limitations, your own decline, and the decline of EVERYONE YOU FUCKING KNOW. If you don't accept it, you'll feel even worse. This is why we oldish people buy so many books about aging and dying. Because our culture won't let us admit that we're going to fall apart slowly and then die, so we have to find ways to face it on our own."
"Every morning, you will wake up and see that life is all about fumbling and accepting that you're fumbling. It's all about saying nice things to yourself, even when you're lazy, even when you're lost. It's about giving yourself the love you need in order to try."
"Life is just life, for all of us. There is no golden life. We all have to face ourselves, every day. No amount of fame or money in the world can cushion you from the mundane trials of everyday existence. Those who believe otherwise are young and naive, and they fundamentally misunderstand this world."
August 2, 2016
I'm an irregular reader of Heather Havrilesky's "Ask Polly" column on the New York magazine website, but I've always admired the advice she gives, so I was excited to read How to Be a Person in the World. The obvious comparison is with Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things, but Havrilesky's writing style is quite different. While Strayed's letters were poetic mini-essays, Havrilesky's letters are messier, more emotional, more meandering. This isn't meant as a criticism—in fact, this style appeals to me. Life is complicated and strange, after all, and it's not always possible to tie everything up in a neat bow. The fact that Havrilesky's advice reflects this seems quite fitting.
Unfortunately, I think this writing style works best in extremely small doses; for me, it began to wear thin fairly early on. If you read several letters in a row, it's impossible not to notice that Havrilesky gives pretty much the same advice to everyone: Just remember how awesome you are! You are going to have a big shiny life! You and me, we're not like all the other people out there who are willing to settle for less. We want more and we will have it! Some people really could have used more concrete advice, like the young woman who was afraid that she was becoming an alcoholic. The fact that Havrilesky's advice didn't include a recommendation for counseling seemed oblivious and downright irresponsible.
Frankly, though, the majority of these people have the most first-world problems imaginable: By their own admission, their lives are usually pretty great, and their problems are mainly a result of their own mental blocks and feelings of inadequacy. I can sympathize up to a point, but there were just way too many letters like this, and I began to lose my patience every time I picked up the book and read a new one. Given how often Havrilesky's answers focused on herself, the questions seem to have been chosen based on how much she related to them. This led to a mind-numbing sameness throughout. Only in the very last section were a few "real" problems addressed, but by then it was too late for me.
There's a one-star review of this book here on Goodreads that I agree with completely, so why did I decide to go with three stars? Well, the book is well-intentioned, and it does contain a few gems. But mostly I awarded three stars because I finished the book feeling oddly inspired—I liked the focus on the messiness of life and the everyday bravery we show in muddling through it instead of giving up. Unfortunately, these good points don't ameliorate the overall tedium of the text. Ultimately, How to Be a Person in the World was a letdown, and I can recommend it only for diehard fans of "Ask Polly."
I won this ARC in a First Reads giveaway here on Goodreads.
Unfortunately, I think this writing style works best in extremely small doses; for me, it began to wear thin fairly early on. If you read several letters in a row, it's impossible not to notice that Havrilesky gives pretty much the same advice to everyone: Just remember how awesome you are! You are going to have a big shiny life! You and me, we're not like all the other people out there who are willing to settle for less. We want more and we will have it! Some people really could have used more concrete advice, like the young woman who was afraid that she was becoming an alcoholic. The fact that Havrilesky's advice didn't include a recommendation for counseling seemed oblivious and downright irresponsible.
Frankly, though, the majority of these people have the most first-world problems imaginable: By their own admission, their lives are usually pretty great, and their problems are mainly a result of their own mental blocks and feelings of inadequacy. I can sympathize up to a point, but there were just way too many letters like this, and I began to lose my patience every time I picked up the book and read a new one. Given how often Havrilesky's answers focused on herself, the questions seem to have been chosen based on how much she related to them. This led to a mind-numbing sameness throughout. Only in the very last section were a few "real" problems addressed, but by then it was too late for me.
There's a one-star review of this book here on Goodreads that I agree with completely, so why did I decide to go with three stars? Well, the book is well-intentioned, and it does contain a few gems. But mostly I awarded three stars because I finished the book feeling oddly inspired—I liked the focus on the messiness of life and the everyday bravery we show in muddling through it instead of giving up. Unfortunately, these good points don't ameliorate the overall tedium of the text. Ultimately, How to Be a Person in the World was a letdown, and I can recommend it only for diehard fans of "Ask Polly."
I won this ARC in a First Reads giveaway here on Goodreads.
April 10, 2017
I LOVE ASK POLLY AND I LOVED THIS BOOK AND I AM GOING TO GET MYSELF A COPY AND I AM GONNA GET ALL MY FRIENDS A COPY AND I LOVE THAT HEATHER HAVRILESKY ALWAYS GIVES IT TO YOU STRAIGHT WHILE TAKING CIRCUITOUS DETOURS IN ORDER TO GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT WITH ALL THE IMPACT OF A CAR CRASH IN ORDER TO PREVENT YOUR LIFE FROM, TOO, BECOMING A CAR CRASH AND I LOVE HER COMPASSION AND I THINK SHE WOULD LOVE THAT I LOVE HER TOO BECAUSE SHE LOVES LOVE AND LOVING YOURSELF AND TRUTH AND HONESTY AND THE TWINKLINGS AND TWINGES OF LIFE
July 6, 2016
My review for the Chicago Tribune:
The title of Heather Havrilesky's "How to Be a Person in the World" is almost too cute — too self-consciously direct and simplistic. Like: do we really need a guide to that, and is that really what this is? But it turns out the answers are yes, actually, and yes.
Divided into seven general sections, the book's organization speaks to how it's not always easy to know how to behave inwardly — as the heading "Identity and Becoming an Artist (Whether You Make Art or Not)" indicates — or how to behave in relation to the external realms we traverse every day — as the heading "You Are Uniquely Qualified to Bring You the World" suggests.
The book's subtitle, "Ask Polly's Guide Through the Paradoxes of Modern Life," is equally earned, for the book consists of a well-curated compendium of "Ask Polly," the "existential advice column" which debuted on the website The Awl in 2012 and currently runs in New York magazine's "The Cut." There, each week, Havrilesky, who has also worked as a TV critic for Salon and a reviewer for The New York Times Book Review and Bookforum, offers readers her thoughts on everything from fears about being a selfish bride ("Yes, you can be selfish at your own [expletive] wedding") to worries about "The Poisons of Materialism" ("A person can be turned off by the soul-sucking nature of high capitalism and still recognize, objectively, that high-end products are designed by talented artisans and luxury-branding super-geniuses who do not [expletive] around.")
A collection of new questions and answers, as well as fan favorites, this book stands to satisfy aficionados and also to serve as a fantastic introduction to readers not yet familiar with Havrilesky's omnivorous and essayistic approach. Lest you imagine the brevity and terseness of a "Dear Abby" or "The Ethicist," each of Havrilesky's replies are in the ballpark of 3,000 words.
Somewhat atypical in the short-attention span era of the Internet, this generous length gives Havrilesky space to artfully zoom in on her subjects, and to balance her toughness with care. For instance, she starts her reply to a question called "Lame Job, Lame Life" with: "The words 'I'm twenty-seven, and at this point it just feels hopeless' just make me laugh and laugh, the deep, smug chuckle of a nasty old crone with a superior attitude" before she wraps up her recommendations with, "Above all, believe. Cultivate your swagger. Make this your new religion: you are funny and talented and you're going to try something new."
She lets the questions themselves be long, too, permitting her advice-seekers to provide vivid texture and intimate detail, as in "Am I Too Weird": "The crux of my problem is this: I've toned down a lot of the visual markers of my weird over the years, but as soon as you spend any time with me, it becomes pretty (expletive) obvious. I have a massive oil painting of myself and my dog hanging in my living room next to my 'stripper' pole (it's for fitness)."
Havrilesky is also the author of the 2011 memoir "Disaster Preparedness," and here, too, we see her musing on her own existence as well as the existences of others. This deeply personal, funny, everyone-has-flaws tack means that each column shines with Havrilesky's idea, stated in her introduction, that "There is magic that comes from reaching out. I don't believe in many things, but I believe in that, with all of my heart."
Like any anthology or collection, you don't have to read "How to Be a Person in the World" all the way through — you could, for instance, dip in at random and be rewarded, or seek out particular subheadings of problem and solutions of interest or use to you — but given the intriguing array of questions and Havrilesky's addictive voice, you'll probably want to.
If you are even a little bit interested in people and the world, then this book will interest you. And if you think you aren't interested in people or the world, then you should read this book anyway because it might surprise you by proving that there's a lot to reward such interest — and compassion and empathy — after all.
The title of Heather Havrilesky's "How to Be a Person in the World" is almost too cute — too self-consciously direct and simplistic. Like: do we really need a guide to that, and is that really what this is? But it turns out the answers are yes, actually, and yes.
Divided into seven general sections, the book's organization speaks to how it's not always easy to know how to behave inwardly — as the heading "Identity and Becoming an Artist (Whether You Make Art or Not)" indicates — or how to behave in relation to the external realms we traverse every day — as the heading "You Are Uniquely Qualified to Bring You the World" suggests.
The book's subtitle, "Ask Polly's Guide Through the Paradoxes of Modern Life," is equally earned, for the book consists of a well-curated compendium of "Ask Polly," the "existential advice column" which debuted on the website The Awl in 2012 and currently runs in New York magazine's "The Cut." There, each week, Havrilesky, who has also worked as a TV critic for Salon and a reviewer for The New York Times Book Review and Bookforum, offers readers her thoughts on everything from fears about being a selfish bride ("Yes, you can be selfish at your own [expletive] wedding") to worries about "The Poisons of Materialism" ("A person can be turned off by the soul-sucking nature of high capitalism and still recognize, objectively, that high-end products are designed by talented artisans and luxury-branding super-geniuses who do not [expletive] around.")
A collection of new questions and answers, as well as fan favorites, this book stands to satisfy aficionados and also to serve as a fantastic introduction to readers not yet familiar with Havrilesky's omnivorous and essayistic approach. Lest you imagine the brevity and terseness of a "Dear Abby" or "The Ethicist," each of Havrilesky's replies are in the ballpark of 3,000 words.
Somewhat atypical in the short-attention span era of the Internet, this generous length gives Havrilesky space to artfully zoom in on her subjects, and to balance her toughness with care. For instance, she starts her reply to a question called "Lame Job, Lame Life" with: "The words 'I'm twenty-seven, and at this point it just feels hopeless' just make me laugh and laugh, the deep, smug chuckle of a nasty old crone with a superior attitude" before she wraps up her recommendations with, "Above all, believe. Cultivate your swagger. Make this your new religion: you are funny and talented and you're going to try something new."
She lets the questions themselves be long, too, permitting her advice-seekers to provide vivid texture and intimate detail, as in "Am I Too Weird": "The crux of my problem is this: I've toned down a lot of the visual markers of my weird over the years, but as soon as you spend any time with me, it becomes pretty (expletive) obvious. I have a massive oil painting of myself and my dog hanging in my living room next to my 'stripper' pole (it's for fitness)."
Havrilesky is also the author of the 2011 memoir "Disaster Preparedness," and here, too, we see her musing on her own existence as well as the existences of others. This deeply personal, funny, everyone-has-flaws tack means that each column shines with Havrilesky's idea, stated in her introduction, that "There is magic that comes from reaching out. I don't believe in many things, but I believe in that, with all of my heart."
Like any anthology or collection, you don't have to read "How to Be a Person in the World" all the way through — you could, for instance, dip in at random and be rewarded, or seek out particular subheadings of problem and solutions of interest or use to you — but given the intriguing array of questions and Havrilesky's addictive voice, you'll probably want to.
If you are even a little bit interested in people and the world, then this book will interest you. And if you think you aren't interested in people or the world, then you should read this book anyway because it might surprise you by proving that there's a lot to reward such interest — and compassion and empathy — after all.
Read
July 19, 2021"Who do I think I am, giving other people advice?" I thought. "I’m not qualified for this! I don’t have it all figured out. What the hell am I doing?"
I was so glad to read that. Because it's going to be the first thought that comes to mind: who are you to tell others how to live their lives? (It was also a pretty funny callback to Admiral Stockdale.)
Who Heather Havrilesky (Dear Polly) is, is someone who has clear vision and isn't afraid to use it, and who has strong opinions and isn't afraid to wield them.
My enjoyment of this book was certainly not injured by the fact that I agreed with a great deal of what she had to say. Example: there's nothing wrong in a life lived without a Significant Other.
(But controlling your brain is not exactly easy. You have to train yourself to romanticize a life outside of men and create a tapestry that’s just as rich without a guy in it. That requires a kind of buoyant solitude that isn’t easy to achieve.
A few things that will make your alone time more buoyant: Inspiring music. A clean space. Regular, vigorous exercise. Great books. A nice bath. A wide range of beverages in the fridge. Friendly pets. Engrossing home projects. Your setting matters! )
I especially loved "Dear Polly, I am trying to figure out how to be less nice. I don’t want to be less generous or less kind, just less nice. You know what I mean—that craven, smiley, oh-gosh-no-of-course-go-ahead-of-me, laughing-at-every-unfunny-joke …veneer. It degrades my life. It has always degraded my life. I am only now starting to understand how much. I’m mad about it." It echoed what I've experienced. I was brought up to be nice – pretend to take no notice of the huge bubo growing out of someone's nose; always give way when someone's barreling toward you; always hold the door for others, regardless of gender… and I've gotten tired of others feeling free to comment on my equivalents of buboes and never giving way to me and dropping doors in my face. I still can't bring myself to be like that – I don't really want to become that – but there are days, and shopping trips, where I'm determined not to #%&! budge.
I like Dear Polly's positivity: "But sometimes you have to let go of your shiny imaginary creations in order to give in to the magic of the real world, which is far more glorious and full of hope than it first appears." She actually does a nice job of counteracting some of the nonsense I have to live with at work. I'm an introvert who can't understand why someone would bellow across an office to the person farthest away from her rather than just picking up the phone and calling that person's extension, or why someone would put the office radio on (loud) and then also put on music on her own computer – but I'm told that everyone else in the office just tunes these things out, and no one is going to do anything about it. (On the bright side, I'm allowed to wear headphones to drown the never-ending babble out, and thus my audiobooks-read count has skyrocketed.) I am an introvert who would genuinely rather stay at home with a book than go to a party, who genuinely preferred to stay in the office and work that day that the office sponsored a field trip to the bowling alley (the quiet was exquisite)… I'm made every day to feel that I'm weird and wrong and need "help" because I don't particularly want to hear the endless inane chatter of my coworkers.
"It’s okay to be an oversensitive freak. Oversensitive freaks tend to overreact. They tend to spin in circles. But they are some of the most loyal, interesting, intense people around, and they just get better as they age. Welcome to the tribe!"
I don’t need to be validated by a woman I've never met. But it's a little like watching Wil Wheaton and Chris Hardwick become more and more successful: these are guys turning their geekiness (their Nerdist tendencies, if you will) into careers, and doing quite well, from what I can see. It's not necessary to my life for them to show that it's "okay" to love things, to be enthusiastic about things – but it is nice.
And the author loves "So You Think You Can Dance." Bonus points.
It is funny, though, that in at least one response she promises the letter-writer that there is absolutely someone out there who is her perfect romantic partner. "Believe that you deserve it, you deserve to be loved. It’s all going to work out just fine." I find that mildly offensive, and I know it is patently untrue. Not the deserving part – the just fine part. I believe I deserve a lot of things – freedom from worry about money, a job in the arts, friends who love Star Trek and Firefly and so on, et cetera et cetera. That doesn't mean I'll ever get any of it. And believing I deserve it doesn't make me feel any better about reality.
It's also funny that one exchange pretty much nails something that happened with an old friend earlier this year.
Eventually, I figured it out; she always assumed my anger and frustration were about her, that I was angry at her, and not just lonely or depressed. Sure, I wrote her letters. I ranted and I raged. But that only confirmed her suspicion that I was unstable. What worked was saying, "I am in a shitty mood this morning. It’s not about you, so don’t think that it is, okay? I love you. Just be patient with me." And once I could say that to her, and she could hear me, it changed everything.
Yeah. Real life – not like that.
"She’ll either come around or she won’t, but if you really care, don’t give up." – No. At a certain point, persisting in trying to maintain a relationship the other person has flushed away is just pointless and serves only to keep old wounds open. And to annoy the other person. Like trying to teach a pig to sing.
Now the women I admire the most are women who never pretend to be different than they are. Women like that express their anger. They admit when they’re down. They don’t beat themselves up over their bad moods. They allow themselves to be grumpy sometimes. They grant themselves the right to be grouchy, or to say nothing, or to decline your offer without a lengthy explanation.
Again, this ≠ real life.
This sort of pep talk is not, in the end, all that helpful, I don't think. In the short term, it's great – "You're right! You're great! It'll all be just fine!" In the longer term, though, doesn't it just make matters worse? "But … I was promised that it would all be just fine! Why isn't it? Does everyone else in the world make it to just fine and it's only me that's miserable?"
The usual disclaimer: I received this book via Netgalley for review.
I was so glad to read that. Because it's going to be the first thought that comes to mind: who are you to tell others how to live their lives? (It was also a pretty funny callback to Admiral Stockdale.)
Who Heather Havrilesky (Dear Polly) is, is someone who has clear vision and isn't afraid to use it, and who has strong opinions and isn't afraid to wield them.
My enjoyment of this book was certainly not injured by the fact that I agreed with a great deal of what she had to say. Example: there's nothing wrong in a life lived without a Significant Other.
(But controlling your brain is not exactly easy. You have to train yourself to romanticize a life outside of men and create a tapestry that’s just as rich without a guy in it. That requires a kind of buoyant solitude that isn’t easy to achieve.
A few things that will make your alone time more buoyant: Inspiring music. A clean space. Regular, vigorous exercise. Great books. A nice bath. A wide range of beverages in the fridge. Friendly pets. Engrossing home projects. Your setting matters! )
I especially loved "Dear Polly, I am trying to figure out how to be less nice. I don’t want to be less generous or less kind, just less nice. You know what I mean—that craven, smiley, oh-gosh-no-of-course-go-ahead-of-me, laughing-at-every-unfunny-joke …veneer. It degrades my life. It has always degraded my life. I am only now starting to understand how much. I’m mad about it." It echoed what I've experienced. I was brought up to be nice – pretend to take no notice of the huge bubo growing out of someone's nose; always give way when someone's barreling toward you; always hold the door for others, regardless of gender… and I've gotten tired of others feeling free to comment on my equivalents of buboes and never giving way to me and dropping doors in my face. I still can't bring myself to be like that – I don't really want to become that – but there are days, and shopping trips, where I'm determined not to #%&! budge.
I like Dear Polly's positivity: "But sometimes you have to let go of your shiny imaginary creations in order to give in to the magic of the real world, which is far more glorious and full of hope than it first appears." She actually does a nice job of counteracting some of the nonsense I have to live with at work. I'm an introvert who can't understand why someone would bellow across an office to the person farthest away from her rather than just picking up the phone and calling that person's extension, or why someone would put the office radio on (loud) and then also put on music on her own computer – but I'm told that everyone else in the office just tunes these things out, and no one is going to do anything about it. (On the bright side, I'm allowed to wear headphones to drown the never-ending babble out, and thus my audiobooks-read count has skyrocketed.) I am an introvert who would genuinely rather stay at home with a book than go to a party, who genuinely preferred to stay in the office and work that day that the office sponsored a field trip to the bowling alley (the quiet was exquisite)… I'm made every day to feel that I'm weird and wrong and need "help" because I don't particularly want to hear the endless inane chatter of my coworkers.
"It’s okay to be an oversensitive freak. Oversensitive freaks tend to overreact. They tend to spin in circles. But they are some of the most loyal, interesting, intense people around, and they just get better as they age. Welcome to the tribe!"
I don’t need to be validated by a woman I've never met. But it's a little like watching Wil Wheaton and Chris Hardwick become more and more successful: these are guys turning their geekiness (their Nerdist tendencies, if you will) into careers, and doing quite well, from what I can see. It's not necessary to my life for them to show that it's "okay" to love things, to be enthusiastic about things – but it is nice.
And the author loves "So You Think You Can Dance." Bonus points.
It is funny, though, that in at least one response she promises the letter-writer that there is absolutely someone out there who is her perfect romantic partner. "Believe that you deserve it, you deserve to be loved. It’s all going to work out just fine." I find that mildly offensive, and I know it is patently untrue. Not the deserving part – the just fine part. I believe I deserve a lot of things – freedom from worry about money, a job in the arts, friends who love Star Trek and Firefly and so on, et cetera et cetera. That doesn't mean I'll ever get any of it. And believing I deserve it doesn't make me feel any better about reality.
It's also funny that one exchange pretty much nails something that happened with an old friend earlier this year.
Eventually, I figured it out; she always assumed my anger and frustration were about her, that I was angry at her, and not just lonely or depressed. Sure, I wrote her letters. I ranted and I raged. But that only confirmed her suspicion that I was unstable. What worked was saying, "I am in a shitty mood this morning. It’s not about you, so don’t think that it is, okay? I love you. Just be patient with me." And once I could say that to her, and she could hear me, it changed everything.
Yeah. Real life – not like that.
"She’ll either come around or she won’t, but if you really care, don’t give up." – No. At a certain point, persisting in trying to maintain a relationship the other person has flushed away is just pointless and serves only to keep old wounds open. And to annoy the other person. Like trying to teach a pig to sing.
Now the women I admire the most are women who never pretend to be different than they are. Women like that express their anger. They admit when they’re down. They don’t beat themselves up over their bad moods. They allow themselves to be grumpy sometimes. They grant themselves the right to be grouchy, or to say nothing, or to decline your offer without a lengthy explanation.
Again, this ≠ real life.
This sort of pep talk is not, in the end, all that helpful, I don't think. In the short term, it's great – "You're right! You're great! It'll all be just fine!" In the longer term, though, doesn't it just make matters worse? "But … I was promised that it would all be just fine! Why isn't it? Does everyone else in the world make it to just fine and it's only me that's miserable?"
The usual disclaimer: I received this book via Netgalley for review.
August 4, 2016
I received a Chatterbox gift box with a copy of this book from Doubleday along with several fun gifts. Many thanks to the publisher!
Heather Havrilesky is the author of the advice column 'Ask Polly' which has appeared in New York magazine's The Cut; this book is a compendium of some here-to-fore unpublished letters/responses along with some fan-favorites. I think what sets Heather apart from other advice columnists is her deep-seated empathy for these people and their problems, as well as her honesty. She zeroes right to the heart of the matter and delivers the straight scoop, no mollycoddling. Often she shares her own life experiences from various stages of her life, the mistakes she has made, the triumphs she has scored and what she has learned from all of them. Her answers seem to be well-thought-out essays. It would be interesting to know how many people followed her advice with some degree of success.
Heather Havrilesky is the author of the advice column 'Ask Polly' which has appeared in New York magazine's The Cut; this book is a compendium of some here-to-fore unpublished letters/responses along with some fan-favorites. I think what sets Heather apart from other advice columnists is her deep-seated empathy for these people and their problems, as well as her honesty. She zeroes right to the heart of the matter and delivers the straight scoop, no mollycoddling. Often she shares her own life experiences from various stages of her life, the mistakes she has made, the triumphs she has scored and what she has learned from all of them. Her answers seem to be well-thought-out essays. It would be interesting to know how many people followed her advice with some degree of success.
October 2, 2016
FFTMOI (fast forward through most of it) Thought it was going to be more like-"Is it ok to...?" etc.- it was mostly "How do I become a different person or achieve happiness....?" There were a couple of- "Do I invite my prettier than me sister and her new boyfriend to my wedding, and have her steal my spotlight?" or I think it is OK to cheat on my wife for the following reasons-what do you think?"- actual questions that are situational and have a do the right thing answer-those were interesting. The majority were -this is how to change your whole personality and love yourself-on and on.
Probably my fault for not being familiar with author's column. I thought it would be more like Graham Norton 's "It is lazy and selfish to sleep with your friends-we don't cook our pets just because we're hungry and they're sitting by the oven."
Probably my fault for not being familiar with author's column. I thought it would be more like Graham Norton 's "It is lazy and selfish to sleep with your friends-we don't cook our pets just because we're hungry and they're sitting by the oven."
December 7, 2016
-I have no experience with Ask Polly outside of this book. I think I heard about it on Twitter?
-The title is very good.
-A lot of the advice is very good.
-The responses are way too long.
-Even when the responses were very good they were way too long.
-I take serious issue with her saying that only "crazy motherfuckers" don't respect healthy boundaries.
-Many people have issues with boundaries. Many people fuck this up constantly even after therapy because they grew up in a household with bad boundaries and became chemically dependent and so on and so on and so on.
-These people, like all people, do not deserve to be dismissed as "crazy," particularly by someone who is supposed to help and care.
-She does say later that she once had bad boundary issues. That's fine. It's still not helpful to use ableist slurs against people who do not yet have healthy boundaries.
-I also take issue, in the last letter, with her saying she looked like an "angry old hooker" which she corrected to sex worker but this joke should have been deleted. Using the correct terminology for sex workers does not permit you to make jokes based on stereotypes that are harmful to sex workers.
-This book was not nearly as good as Tiny Beautiful Things.
-Go read Tiny Beautiful Things instead.
-Ok. Love you. Bye.
-The title is very good.
-A lot of the advice is very good.
-The responses are way too long.
-Even when the responses were very good they were way too long.
-I take serious issue with her saying that only "crazy motherfuckers" don't respect healthy boundaries.
-Many people have issues with boundaries. Many people fuck this up constantly even after therapy because they grew up in a household with bad boundaries and became chemically dependent and so on and so on and so on.
-These people, like all people, do not deserve to be dismissed as "crazy," particularly by someone who is supposed to help and care.
-She does say later that she once had bad boundary issues. That's fine. It's still not helpful to use ableist slurs against people who do not yet have healthy boundaries.
-I also take issue, in the last letter, with her saying she looked like an "angry old hooker" which she corrected to sex worker but this joke should have been deleted. Using the correct terminology for sex workers does not permit you to make jokes based on stereotypes that are harmful to sex workers.
-This book was not nearly as good as Tiny Beautiful Things.
-Go read Tiny Beautiful Things instead.
-Ok. Love you. Bye.
September 28, 2016
No. No no no no no. This was awful and I couldn't get past the first 50 or so pages (which is 50 or so more than I should have read). This is an advice column-style book, which is something she does on her blog, or was it someone else's? Doesn't matter. Anyhoo, I will give you an example of why this is such a waste: Someone writes for advice on how to deal with the fact that she has contracted an STD (whoopsie!) from a guy who was just her friend, who one night temporarily became something more, or they were just both drunk and lonely, something along those lines. The answer is a verbose, meandering treatise on "Polly's" worldview and thoughts on life, with about 5% "advice" thrown in for good measure. She takes this plea for help and makes it an opportunity to hold forth on her opinions on Kanye (he is an artist, so genius and gifted, and the only reason he is so insufferable and obnoxious is because we are all racists, and deserve any mistreatment and disrespect he sends our way!), Lena Dunham, "She's gorgeous!" (huh??), et al. What a mess. NOT recommended.
January 10, 2017
Maybe it has something to do with being a wayward twentysomething, but I find advice columns like Dear Sugar and Ask Polly deeply inspiring. Even when I cannot relate to a letter's quibbles, I still find some grain of truth or comfort in the response. We may think we're special snowflakes, but at the end of the day there are people out there tackling our same problems and issues. And there's some relief to be gleaned there, in that universal quality we all share.
August 4, 2016
Everybody should go ahead and read this book, is one wildly unbiased opinion.
March 22, 2016
Heather Havrilesky is that brutally honest best friend who cares about you, but is also not afraid to offend you. With a fresh, sassy voice she delivers punch-you-in-the-gut truths that are the definition of tough love. However, there’s an empathy behind her advice, spoken from her own experiences. She’s been there and done that and now she wants to help you through it. But her ability to poke fun at herself and others, as well as her healthy dose of expletives, sure adds a kick in the pants that I think we all need sometimes. I feel like I read this at the perfect time. Her writing is just the right balance of instruction and hilarious "me-too" moments. So much about life, love, and self that I'm happy to learn about while I'm young.
September 8, 2016
The advice that Heather Havrilesky gives in this book taken from her advice column is unimpeachable. But there's a sameness to the letters after a while, most of them focusing on the perils and insecurities of being younger. Worthwhile, yes, but also somewhat skewing to the shallows.
December 30, 2016
There are some real gems in here! Some real insight! But once you get past a certain point or read a few in a row you start to see that it's all the same. One reviewer has said this book "skews to the shallows" and boy is that right.
Too bad.
Too bad.
June 5, 2019
Love an advice column moment. Ask Polly is direct effective and very empathetic. She is funny enough that she keeps the columns interesting but insightful enough that you feel uplifted and inspired.
August 10, 2016
I stumbled upon this book via an NPR article and it immediately called out to me. I love advice whether it's for me or for someone else, & I believe that good advice can reach any person at any time on a level that is deeper than what might appear on the surface. Does "Peggy" give good advice? Without a doubt. Many may seem to chalk this up as "#FirstWorldProblems" but I'd like to say this is like #HUMANPROBLEMS. You think just because someone is poor dealing with being a single mom or how they're going to put food on the table or whatever problem you may deem a real problem, they don't also deal with deep desires of wanting to be loved, and wanted, and important? People who think this way are not seeing the big picture. I can relate to every essay/column of advice in this. A husband who wants to cheat on his wife? No I have never been married and I'm not even sure I ever had the desire to cheat on a boyfriend, but "Polly" is giving LIFE advice. If you truly read between the lines of this book it's really one human to another telling said human how she as a human can relate, and she understands, and to get some goddamn perspective on themselves. She is saying what these people probably know deep down in their heart of hearts, because deep down when we reach out to someone it's just to feel a little bit better. And truly, this book has made me feel just a little bit better.
August 14, 2016
I loved this book! I rarely read Ask Polly on The Cut (but that will change after reading this book) and loved her straight-forward, no-bullshit, get-your-head-out-of-your-ass attitude and advice in the responses. She's gentile and understanding, for sure, but also the people who write into her often need someone to give them a polite slap and be told to look in the mirror a little harder.
By the final few letters, you do get a sense of how she will respond. Maybe it's because so many people ask so many repetitive, stupid questions, and Heather (via Polly) has to keep repeating the same advice over and over, but I didn't mind it.
By the final few letters, you do get a sense of how she will respond. Maybe it's because so many people ask so many repetitive, stupid questions, and Heather (via Polly) has to keep repeating the same advice over and over, but I didn't mind it.
April 28, 2018
So good. A funny version of "Tiny Beautiful Things" by Cheryl Strayed. The topics covered range from relationships and striving or being on either end of infidelity to career to creativity to motherhood. It was a book that I looked forward to reading for a laugh and some sound advice with colorful language and imagery thrown in.
Books she recommends in a reply to someone, about what it means to be human:
- The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami
- Angel of Repose by Wallace Stegner
- The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles
Movies recommended in the same reply:
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Living Out Loud
- Sex, Lies and Videtape
Books she recommends in a reply to someone, about what it means to be human:
- The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami
- Angel of Repose by Wallace Stegner
- The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles
Movies recommended in the same reply:
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Living Out Loud
- Sex, Lies and Videtape
January 20, 2019
I love advice columns so binging this over 2 days was pretty easy for me. Halfway through the book I wasn't sure if I was getting enough from the book but the thing about Heather's advice is there are a few key notes she plays really really well. Her advice of accepting the messiness of life, accepting one's flaws, leaning into and lovingly embracing fear as a way of making it a part of you and not An Other, and of listening to the true chords of your story really gave me a lot to think about, no matter how many times these themes were repeated. The heart of the book is strong and it reminded me a few times that mine is too.
November 6, 2019
Heather Havrilesky is the rare author who can connect to your GUT. If you want someone who is vulnerable, honest, who is willing to get down in the mud with you, it's Heather. Wise, funny, unexpected, this book is a bible to me. Yes it's great advice, but it's so much more...Heather brings a literary style to advice...and more than that...humanity. She makes you feel like you are holding her hand before you need to leap over some lava to the next safe stone. This is an incredible book from an incredibly gifted author. It's the raw, sometimes bitting sister to Tiny Beautiful Things and a must read if you need a little guidance.
February 13, 2017
Probably everyone young(ish) should read this book. Havrilesky's advice is the tough love we all need, even when a letter doesn't directly relate to us. So much funnier and snarkier and kinder and truer than Strayed's Dear Sugar, which sometimes made me roll my eyes so hard they hurt. We'd all be a lot happier, I think, if we had Polly gently yelling at us all day long.
October 13, 2016
Just the bomb. especially the last section. the woman writes like a dream and knows her shit.
Read
January 15, 2022It's routine for me to read advice here and there for functioning's sake, but this was my first time reading an entire book consisting of just advice columns. I enjoyed most of it. Read it over a period of 4 months because I find it meaningless to consume self-help stuff quickly unless there's some slow reflection on my part. I also lose interest fairly easily, but that's more me than the book. Didn't agree or relate to each of the perspectives (white-ppl-centric and individual differences yo), but the book expanded my world-view and self-view through and through, and even became a tiny safe haven to land on on crappy days; days when you're lost in a puddle of a million questions and there's no other resort than to take to words. It also snapped me out of useless longing on days I tend to dream life away (not an easy feat). There are passages that are mirrors and propel you to instantly share them with your advice-loving/seeking friends (I've got plenty). With every subsequent column, the writer becomes a friendly compassionate voice rooting for you and urging you on. I dig that.
Quoting some passages I loved:
- Stop cringing—at your future, at your failure, at yourself in the mirror—and stand up and look directly at who you are. Not who you should’ve been, but who you are now. Let that person in. Let her be as mediocre and wrong and shameful and sad and miserable and brilliant and hilarious as she wants to be, because she knows exactly what you need to feel good. She has plans for you. She wants to show you what comes next. She wants to take you into the future you’re dreading and say, “See? You never would’ve imagined this."
- Uncertainty and failure might look like the end of the road to you. But uncertainty is a part of life. Facing uncertainty and failure doesn’t always make people weaker and weaker until they give up. Sometimes it wakes them up, and it’s like they can see the beauty around them for the first time. Sometimes losing everything makes you realize how little you actually need. Sometimes losing everything sends you out into the world to breathe in the air, to pick some flowery weeds, to take in a new day.
- It’s time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it’s time to forsake someone else’s idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. Block the “other” from this picture. No more audience. You are the cherished and the cherisher. You are the eminently lovable and the lover. You are a million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Stop making room for someone else to sit down. Fuck “good” partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. You are already in. You are in. Cherish yourself.
- I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in the little manifestations of divinity that you collect over the course of a day, and over the course of a life. Those things add up: Little birds sitting on branches, singing in the dappled morning sun. Cool summer breezes that smell like honeysuckle and cut grass. Those small things make life rich and exciting, but you have to remember to breathe them in and feel them inside your cells. When you slow down and notice things, every day brings you new gifts, new delights. Every moment is a work of art.
- I used to admire people who could hang with anything. Now the women I admire the most are women who never pretend to be different than they are. Women like that express their anger. They admit when they're down. They don't beat themselves up over their bad moods. They allow themselves to be grumpy sometimes. They grant themselves the right to be grouchy, or to say nothing, or to decline your offer without a lengthy explanation.
Quoting some passages I loved:
- Stop cringing—at your future, at your failure, at yourself in the mirror—and stand up and look directly at who you are. Not who you should’ve been, but who you are now. Let that person in. Let her be as mediocre and wrong and shameful and sad and miserable and brilliant and hilarious as she wants to be, because she knows exactly what you need to feel good. She has plans for you. She wants to show you what comes next. She wants to take you into the future you’re dreading and say, “See? You never would’ve imagined this."
- Uncertainty and failure might look like the end of the road to you. But uncertainty is a part of life. Facing uncertainty and failure doesn’t always make people weaker and weaker until they give up. Sometimes it wakes them up, and it’s like they can see the beauty around them for the first time. Sometimes losing everything makes you realize how little you actually need. Sometimes losing everything sends you out into the world to breathe in the air, to pick some flowery weeds, to take in a new day.
- It’s time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it’s time to forsake someone else’s idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. Block the “other” from this picture. No more audience. You are the cherished and the cherisher. You are the eminently lovable and the lover. You are a million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Stop making room for someone else to sit down. Fuck “good” partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. You are already in. You are in. Cherish yourself.
- I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in the little manifestations of divinity that you collect over the course of a day, and over the course of a life. Those things add up: Little birds sitting on branches, singing in the dappled morning sun. Cool summer breezes that smell like honeysuckle and cut grass. Those small things make life rich and exciting, but you have to remember to breathe them in and feel them inside your cells. When you slow down and notice things, every day brings you new gifts, new delights. Every moment is a work of art.
- I used to admire people who could hang with anything. Now the women I admire the most are women who never pretend to be different than they are. Women like that express their anger. They admit when they're down. They don't beat themselves up over their bad moods. They allow themselves to be grumpy sometimes. They grant themselves the right to be grouchy, or to say nothing, or to decline your offer without a lengthy explanation.
June 14, 2019
There was so much advice I needed to hear in this book. It was extraordinary.
July 16, 2018
I love ask Polly!
I always read her column on The Cut, actually I get it in my email so I never lose any new advice!
A whole book of Ask Polly advice read front to back can be a bit too much though, so I read some letters once in a while, between other books I was reading and it was very entertaining.
Yes sometimes the letters she gets seem like a bit too egalitarian and not “first world problems” but it’s the little things in life I think that break us the most. Every single one of us will have to struggle with losing a parent or being stuck with a career they don’t like. Heather gives very good advice I think, on point and pragmatic. Plus she writes very well too so reading her is always a joy.
I’m not giving 5 stars because some letters were a bit boring and some advice seemed repetitive. Nonetheless I would advice everybody to read ask Polly it’s very insightful and could help open your mind a bit more on some day to day problems that maybe you don’t even know you have.
I always read her column on The Cut, actually I get it in my email so I never lose any new advice!
A whole book of Ask Polly advice read front to back can be a bit too much though, so I read some letters once in a while, between other books I was reading and it was very entertaining.
Yes sometimes the letters she gets seem like a bit too egalitarian and not “first world problems” but it’s the little things in life I think that break us the most. Every single one of us will have to struggle with losing a parent or being stuck with a career they don’t like. Heather gives very good advice I think, on point and pragmatic. Plus she writes very well too so reading her is always a joy.
I’m not giving 5 stars because some letters were a bit boring and some advice seemed repetitive. Nonetheless I would advice everybody to read ask Polly it’s very insightful and could help open your mind a bit more on some day to day problems that maybe you don’t even know you have.
August 2, 2018
Probably one of the most personal and important columns I've read in my life. She is special.
(1) Her advice: She reframes. She always pointed out the essence - a mindset shift from the original, seemingly first world problems to how to be a person, something more fundamental; granted, some of the issues are first world- but now that we are on level 4 (a concept from "Factfulness"), we go from the bottom of Maslow pyramid to perhaps upper middle, we have more time and energy to re-examine and work on ourselves, which legitimizes these problems.
(2) Her writing style: so personable, you can almost hear her voice near your ears; like someone with deep patience and tolerance from experiencing good and bad times in life who have learned and wanted you to avoid the mistakes she's made.
I know this is a self-help book and people shamed me for reading them, but she is golden and we are all flawed in a flawed society, so why can't we be proud of reading self-help books?
(1) Her advice: She reframes. She always pointed out the essence - a mindset shift from the original, seemingly first world problems to how to be a person, something more fundamental; granted, some of the issues are first world- but now that we are on level 4 (a concept from "Factfulness"), we go from the bottom of Maslow pyramid to perhaps upper middle, we have more time and energy to re-examine and work on ourselves, which legitimizes these problems.
(2) Her writing style: so personable, you can almost hear her voice near your ears; like someone with deep patience and tolerance from experiencing good and bad times in life who have learned and wanted you to avoid the mistakes she's made.
I know this is a self-help book and people shamed me for reading them, but she is golden and we are all flawed in a flawed society, so why can't we be proud of reading self-help books?
Read
July 13, 2016Ever since I read Tiny Beautiful Things, I have loved reading collections of advice columns. (Okay, to be fair, I have always loved advice columns. But Cheryl Strayed's Dear Sugar made me not be ashamed of it anymore.)
While not quite on that level, there is a lot to love here. If at lease one of these letters doesn't apply to you, I'm not sure I'd want to know you. And I think we can all relate over not knowing how to make friends or date or stop dating or whether to stay in our job or not or whether to have a baby or not. We are all bundles of indecision and we all want someone smarter than we are to take our hand and tell us that it will all be okay. Especially if we just follow these simple steps.
And Heather Havrilesky is hilarious and her advice seems to be dead-on. I will let you know for sure after I start following the ones that apply to me.
Recommended.
While not quite on that level, there is a lot to love here. If at lease one of these letters doesn't apply to you, I'm not sure I'd want to know you. And I think we can all relate over not knowing how to make friends or date or stop dating or whether to stay in our job or not or whether to have a baby or not. We are all bundles of indecision and we all want someone smarter than we are to take our hand and tell us that it will all be okay. Especially if we just follow these simple steps.
And Heather Havrilesky is hilarious and her advice seems to be dead-on. I will let you know for sure after I start following the ones that apply to me.
Recommended.
August 29, 2018
I liked this a lot and would def recommend the audiobook (read by the author). You have to like her advice style, which is very long and rambling and often intense/harsh (but mostly towards men who are being idiots, so I didn’t mind). I’ve enjoyed reading some of her columns online in the past, but I actually think her stuff reads better in this format. The groupings worked well together, set up in general themes, and in at least every section there was something I related to/wanted to send to friends.
Read
April 1, 2018"There is only this moment and what you make of it. No best life arrives. You will always be half-hearted, lopsided, annoyed. Be a lopsided conquistador anyway, indignant and industrious, generous and pushy and bold. Show yourself to the world - your real, lonely, exasperated, generous self. Build a life from the rubble of your dreams. Spend the afternoon listening to the rain, untangling your fears, satisfied but a little melancholy, melancholy but oddly satisfied, knowing that it's all up to you."
Displaying 1 - 30 of 473 reviews