What do you think?
Rate this book
The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship
Have we ever needed kindness more? Learn which ways of acting, speaking, and thinking will improve your relationships and make the greatest difference for your life.
“This book has the potential to change the emotional climate of our culture.”—Gary Chapman, New York Times bestselling author of The Five Love Languages
Think of your toughest relationship. Think of a relationship that is good but could be great. Think of a group of people that drives you nuts. You want to show more kindness and generosity, but sometimes you’re just tired, stretched, and frustrated. Besides, would small actions make that big a difference? Yes!
After years of extensive research, Shaunti Feldhahn has concluded that kindness is a superpower. It can change any relationship, make your life easier and better, and transform our culture. But how does it work? And how can you show kindness when you don’t feel like it?
In The Kindness Challenge, Shaunti explores . . .
• Three simple acts that make all the difference in any relationship (with a spouse, child, co-worker, brother-in-law . . .)
• Whether kindness is ever the wrong approach
• The seven ways you may be unkind and never realize it
• Eight types of kindness—and which might be the best fit for you
• Ten sneaky obstacles that get in the way of giving praise
• Practical ways to persevere when kindness is tough
• How kindness in marriage leads to benefits in the bedroom (yes, really!)
• Why your acts of kindness today can help transform the world
With self-assessments, day-to-day tips, a 30-day challenge, and specific kindness ideas, The Kindness Challenge can make your toughest relationships better and your good relationships great—starting today.
“This book has the potential to change the emotional climate of our culture.”—Gary Chapman, New York Times bestselling author of The Five Love Languages
Think of your toughest relationship. Think of a relationship that is good but could be great. Think of a group of people that drives you nuts. You want to show more kindness and generosity, but sometimes you’re just tired, stretched, and frustrated. Besides, would small actions make that big a difference? Yes!
After years of extensive research, Shaunti Feldhahn has concluded that kindness is a superpower. It can change any relationship, make your life easier and better, and transform our culture. But how does it work? And how can you show kindness when you don’t feel like it?
In The Kindness Challenge, Shaunti explores . . .
• Three simple acts that make all the difference in any relationship (with a spouse, child, co-worker, brother-in-law . . .)
• Whether kindness is ever the wrong approach
• The seven ways you may be unkind and never realize it
• Eight types of kindness—and which might be the best fit for you
• Ten sneaky obstacles that get in the way of giving praise
• Practical ways to persevere when kindness is tough
• How kindness in marriage leads to benefits in the bedroom (yes, really!)
• Why your acts of kindness today can help transform the world
With self-assessments, day-to-day tips, a 30-day challenge, and specific kindness ideas, The Kindness Challenge can make your toughest relationships better and your good relationships great—starting today.
222 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 1, 2016
About the author
Shaunti Feldhahn
107 books359 followersShaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.
Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.
Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 84 reviews
March 21, 2017
This is just what the title says it is, a 30-Day Kindness Challenge, if you want it to be. And if you don't want to take part in anything quite that formal (I'm not a one-size-fits-all sort of person myself), there are tips, anecdotes, suggestions and stats all through the book which you can pick and choose from. I'll just mention some of the ones which stuck out most to me.
One of the most common themes of my reading lately is that we have to watch our thought lives. It's what you put into your mind and focus on that will come out of your mouth. This book is no exception.
It seems many of us might live under the delusion that we are kinder people than we actually are. I can buy that. A few interesting stories indicate that we tend to be more reactive and irritable than we think we are. I'm probably guilty of that around my place at times (very rarely, lol), since family members may pick up on my grouchiness quicker than I even acknowledge it to myself.
Feldhahn talks about the argument that we may need to vent our spleen to let off steam. I'm sure we're all familiar with the line of reasoning. What's inside has to come out, or it festers and swells, and the person eventually bursts with all their repressed annoyances and complaints. That always sounded fair enough to me, but it does seem to contradict the idea that we should always make kindness a habit. I wondered how Shaunti Feldhahn would tackle it. Well, she believes that giving the grumbles head space in the first place is the main problem. Anything we choose to just shrug off and refuse to acknowledge doesn't grow bigger, but withers up and dies for lack of being fed. In other words, when it comes to kindness, 'Fake it til you make it' is a more suitable motto than, 'Better out than in.' It's an interesting view that I quite like.
She addresses the subject of sarcasm, and I was pleased that she distinguished between what she calls good-natured trash talk, and truly ill-natured remarks designed to hurt. It was more realistic sounding than advice to avoid sarcasm at all costs would have been, which I have come across before. My family would suffer if we were never allowed to use sarcasm. I've heard it called the lowest form of wit, but it does cheer us up at times, and defuse tense situations.
Now, can you criticise a book about kindness kindly? The thing with book reviewers is that we're open to finding new ways of not coming down too hard, but I did have a couple of gripes. My first is that are bullet points everywhere. I think there are even bullet points within bullet points. I actually like lists, but they get to a point where they lose their effectiveness and stop being memory tools, when we're inundated with them. And you don't necessarily even need them all. Some self-help books slide into condescension, and this had moments of heading in that direction. For example, do we really need a list of possible ways of giving praise to family members? Surely we know our own spouses and kids better than she does, and have enough imagination to come up with our own praise points.
Some of her points about praise were good though. Some people believe we shouldn't bother saying thanks to a person for things they're supposed to do, because it's their job. But I agree with Feldhahn, that when we do, it's like filling a fuel tank, and prevents those people feeling like they're being taken for granted. It's this sort of small consideration which might actually turn out to make an enormous difference. Overall, it's not a bad read which may make us realise we're not as kind as we thought we were, and offer tips to give us an edge in the art of kindness.
Thanks to Waterbrook Press and Blogging for Books for giving me a review copy through NetGalley
For more reviews and book talk, visit my blog, http://vincereview.blogspot.com.au/
One of the most common themes of my reading lately is that we have to watch our thought lives. It's what you put into your mind and focus on that will come out of your mouth. This book is no exception.
It seems many of us might live under the delusion that we are kinder people than we actually are. I can buy that. A few interesting stories indicate that we tend to be more reactive and irritable than we think we are. I'm probably guilty of that around my place at times (very rarely, lol), since family members may pick up on my grouchiness quicker than I even acknowledge it to myself.
Feldhahn talks about the argument that we may need to vent our spleen to let off steam. I'm sure we're all familiar with the line of reasoning. What's inside has to come out, or it festers and swells, and the person eventually bursts with all their repressed annoyances and complaints. That always sounded fair enough to me, but it does seem to contradict the idea that we should always make kindness a habit. I wondered how Shaunti Feldhahn would tackle it. Well, she believes that giving the grumbles head space in the first place is the main problem. Anything we choose to just shrug off and refuse to acknowledge doesn't grow bigger, but withers up and dies for lack of being fed. In other words, when it comes to kindness, 'Fake it til you make it' is a more suitable motto than, 'Better out than in.' It's an interesting view that I quite like.
She addresses the subject of sarcasm, and I was pleased that she distinguished between what she calls good-natured trash talk, and truly ill-natured remarks designed to hurt. It was more realistic sounding than advice to avoid sarcasm at all costs would have been, which I have come across before. My family would suffer if we were never allowed to use sarcasm. I've heard it called the lowest form of wit, but it does cheer us up at times, and defuse tense situations.
Now, can you criticise a book about kindness kindly? The thing with book reviewers is that we're open to finding new ways of not coming down too hard, but I did have a couple of gripes. My first is that are bullet points everywhere. I think there are even bullet points within bullet points. I actually like lists, but they get to a point where they lose their effectiveness and stop being memory tools, when we're inundated with them. And you don't necessarily even need them all. Some self-help books slide into condescension, and this had moments of heading in that direction. For example, do we really need a list of possible ways of giving praise to family members? Surely we know our own spouses and kids better than she does, and have enough imagination to come up with our own praise points.
Some of her points about praise were good though. Some people believe we shouldn't bother saying thanks to a person for things they're supposed to do, because it's their job. But I agree with Feldhahn, that when we do, it's like filling a fuel tank, and prevents those people feeling like they're being taken for granted. It's this sort of small consideration which might actually turn out to make an enormous difference. Overall, it's not a bad read which may make us realise we're not as kind as we thought we were, and offer tips to give us an edge in the art of kindness.
Thanks to Waterbrook Press and Blogging for Books for giving me a review copy through NetGalley
For more reviews and book talk, visit my blog, http://vincereview.blogspot.com.au/
February 6, 2017
SECOND READ THROUGH Summer 2019: My opinion about this book only increased with the second read through. It was encouraging to see where I've grown and kindness has become more of a habit, and it was refreshing to see where I still need to improve. This is a book that I think pretty much EVERYONE needs to read.
ORIGINAL READ Winter 2017: The Bible is pretty clear: "A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people." (2 Timothy 2:24) But how do you do that, particularly if the person is difficult or unappreciative? Shaunti rescues us with clear answers based on her trademark research. When I first started this book, I was skeptical. After all, the title says that I can improve any relationship in thirty days. Yet my own attempts to put what she teaches into practice have produced the results she promises. This book will be going on my list of books I highly recommend to pretty much everyone.
ORIGINAL READ Winter 2017: The Bible is pretty clear: "A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people." (2 Timothy 2:24) But how do you do that, particularly if the person is difficult or unappreciative? Shaunti rescues us with clear answers based on her trademark research. When I first started this book, I was skeptical. After all, the title says that I can improve any relationship in thirty days. Yet my own attempts to put what she teaches into practice have produced the results she promises. This book will be going on my list of books I highly recommend to pretty much everyone.
April 17, 2026
Before reading this book, I thought I was very kind, and I've often been told I am. BUT I learned so many ways to be kinder and more considerate from this book. Kindness has always been a huge thing to me, so I want to do as much as I can to make others feel worthy, respected and happy.
This book is amazing—I'm officially buying it after repeatedly borrowing it from the library! An invaluable reference book I'm keeping handy to bridge the gap until these new habits become automatic.
Even naturally kind people have room to grow, and The Kindness Challenge provides a 30-day plan to learn new, impactful ways to demonstrate generosity and consideration. I learned a lot from this book. Now for the real work: embedding this knowledge into my routine.
Highly recommend.
This book is amazing—I'm officially buying it after repeatedly borrowing it from the library! An invaluable reference book I'm keeping handy to bridge the gap until these new habits become automatic.
Even naturally kind people have room to grow, and The Kindness Challenge provides a 30-day plan to learn new, impactful ways to demonstrate generosity and consideration. I learned a lot from this book. Now for the real work: embedding this knowledge into my routine.
Highly recommend.
February 1, 2017
One of my favorite aspect of any book that Shaunti Feldhahn writes is that I can count on it being informative, applicable, and oh so practical. The Kindness Challenge is no different.
The book is divided into three parts. The first part pretty much focuses on what kindness means and a general overview of what kindness actually looks like. There was a lot of interesting points that were made in this section. Things like the fact that just being nice is not quite the same thing as being kind.
The second section of the book starts to move in on the more practical side of things. Shaunti points out seven types of negativity that many of us do without thinking… Some these are things like complaining or just having a negative attitude about something. She takes these ideas and show how they actually work against kindness… then of course there are explanations on why we should stop doing these things and the ways we can benefit from that. She also has chapters on ways we can practice kindness–one of which focuses solely on giving praise to others. Also, in this section, there is a chapter just for guys in regards to their wives.
Finally, the last section is based around the challenge itself. Thirty days of focusing on showing kindness to someone. There is a particular list of suggestions for each day for who you choose: Husbands doing the challenge for their wife, wives for their husband, or for doing the challenge for someone other than your spouse.
Overall, this book is practical, and even if you already think you are good at practicing kindness, I bet this book will point to areas where you could be doing better. It’s a fast book to read, with a lot of practical advice and statistics to support it. I’d highly reccommend it.
**I received a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. All opinions expressed are my own.**
The book is divided into three parts. The first part pretty much focuses on what kindness means and a general overview of what kindness actually looks like. There was a lot of interesting points that were made in this section. Things like the fact that just being nice is not quite the same thing as being kind.
The second section of the book starts to move in on the more practical side of things. Shaunti points out seven types of negativity that many of us do without thinking… Some these are things like complaining or just having a negative attitude about something. She takes these ideas and show how they actually work against kindness… then of course there are explanations on why we should stop doing these things and the ways we can benefit from that. She also has chapters on ways we can practice kindness–one of which focuses solely on giving praise to others. Also, in this section, there is a chapter just for guys in regards to their wives.
Finally, the last section is based around the challenge itself. Thirty days of focusing on showing kindness to someone. There is a particular list of suggestions for each day for who you choose: Husbands doing the challenge for their wife, wives for their husband, or for doing the challenge for someone other than your spouse.
Overall, this book is practical, and even if you already think you are good at practicing kindness, I bet this book will point to areas where you could be doing better. It’s a fast book to read, with a lot of practical advice and statistics to support it. I’d highly reccommend it.
**I received a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. All opinions expressed are my own.**
June 21, 2017
A simple read. Finished it just a morning or two. Practicing the concepts is going to take a bit longer. I love the nature of the challenge and all the practical suggestions she gives. Started working on it on immediately and quickly realized how negative I am (even when I think I'm not). The sighs, eye-rolls, cynical comments, dismissive comments. Just making more conscious of that is worth the price of the book. I realized that I'm not always a pleasant person to be around. I'm going to do the challenge and then will probably challenge my church to do the challenge. Kindness is sorely lacking from many of our personal relationships and the culture at large. I'd recommend the book to anyone who wants to improve relationships, improve attitudes and generally be a better person.
July 15, 2017
I found this book very helpful. I've been learning to adapt my coping mechanisms during stressful situations, and I felt like this book gave me a lot of examples of how to transform some daily interactions into more positive relationships.
One thing that I think is important to note--the book mentions it, but I want to reiterate: DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR BOUNDARIES. Being kind to someone is not the same as allowing someone to make you feel uncomfortable emotionally and physically. I feel like women especially need to hear this. You can become a more caring person without allowing yourself to suffer abuse.
If you're not sure what that means, I encourage you to check out some books/articles on boundaries or discuss this with a qualified therapist.
That aside, I feel like this is a great jumping off point to swallow your ego and practice in becoming a radically kind person. It's challenging but worth it, and it's a worthwhile lifelong pursuit.
One thing that I think is important to note--the book mentions it, but I want to reiterate: DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR BOUNDARIES. Being kind to someone is not the same as allowing someone to make you feel uncomfortable emotionally and physically. I feel like women especially need to hear this. You can become a more caring person without allowing yourself to suffer abuse.
If you're not sure what that means, I encourage you to check out some books/articles on boundaries or discuss this with a qualified therapist.
That aside, I feel like this is a great jumping off point to swallow your ego and practice in becoming a radically kind person. It's challenging but worth it, and it's a worthwhile lifelong pursuit.
July 4, 2018
I thought this book included good tips and a easy to use recipe for applying kindness in your everyday life. The author provided research statistics and various examples from participants. My only con is the lack of scripture location included with the reference. Rather than stating what the scriptures might read, the author should have included where her mentions could be found in the bible. 3.5/5 for me.
May 24, 2021
Very insightful with lots of practical tips. The 30 Day Guides at the end of the book offer step by step ideas to help implement the plan in a doable way. I am looking forward to applying what I have learned in the next 30 days.
January 9, 2025
My mom, sister, and I took on the kindness challenge for our husbands. It revealed how unkind I can actually be! Yikes! I’d love to revisit the challenge after some time and reevaluate.
April 3, 2024
This book really opened my eyes to true kindness and how I can do better! Loved it.
March 22, 2018
This book challenges you to pick one person in your life that you want to have a better relationship with. Focusing on kindness towards that person for 30 days should lead to the healing of the relationship, the building of bridges, and/or you having a more positive attitude towards that person.
While this isn't a marriage book, there is a lot of talk about husband/wife relationships. The Kindness Challenge, however, can be applied to anyone in your life.
At my church, I gave a sermon that was built around the principles taught in this book. In order to organize my thoughts, I wrote up some notes about the types of things I may want to talk about. Here are those notes:
OUTLINE:
-Romans 2:
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. 2 We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. 3 Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? 5 But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed.
-Our kindness can also lead people to God.
-Matthew 5:
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Kindness is made up of 3 distinct elements: thought, word, and action
-The three key aspects of kindness: avoiding negativity, finding and praising the positive, and performing kind actions that matter to someone else.
1. Avoid Negativity
2. Praise the Positive
3. Acts of Generosity
AVOID NEGATIVITY:
Here’s the big idea for what that means: Don’t say anything negative to the person for 30 days and don’t say anything negative about the person for 30 days.
You may have to point something out that isn’t going well, but the idea is to be constructive instead of attacking. It’s about how you say it, along with what you are saying.
With that being said, other than the more serious situations, there is a lot we could probably overlook and not be negative about in our relationships.
The first half of avoiding negativity is obvious…it is easy to see how things would get better in a relationship if you avoid saying negative things.
The second half, though, about also avoiding talking bad about the person behind their back can be a little harder to understand how that would tangibly better your relationship with them. I mean, they don’t know what you’re saying about them, so it isn’t making them feel bad, right? The problem with that is that your thought-life impacts how you act.
In the past I’ve been guilty of thinking that it is good to complain to someone if you feel wronged by them because then you aren’t holding it in and letting it get worse. Another thing people may do is complain about the person to someone else to help them blow off steam so that they don’t snap on the person.
The weird thing, though, is that studies have shown that if you tell someone that you’re irritated with them, or you tell someone else you’re irritated, it actually just makes you more irritated.
The more you bring it up or dwell on it, rather than just letting some offense go, the worse it is for you. What you think is what you will say.
If we allow ourselves to think unkind thoughts, they will eventually make their way out of our mouths.
Luke 6:
43 “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, 44 for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. 45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
PRACTICE PRAISE:
Every day, find one positive thing to say about this person. Just like in Step 1, this can be to your person, or you can say something good about them to someone else.
Part of this process is changing your own mindset about your person so that you can have a better relationship with them, so talking nice about them to someone else counts. But, of course, saying as many positive things directly to the person as you can will be best.
It is important that what you choose to praise is sincere. Don’t make up things just so that you can check this step off the list.
-It may take some practice, but over time you will find things to praise about the person you are having relationship problems with.
-The kinder you are, the more you want to be kind. The opposite of that is also true.
-Honor what they do rather than focus on what they don’t.
This step can be intimidating, so to get you thinking about what an authentic praise would sound like, here are some examples given in the Kindness Challenge book.
–Page 98 has a list of authentic praises that can be spoken or written to your person:
-Good job this week
-Thank you for doing that
-I’m grateful for your (willingness, thoughtfulness, etc)
-Your investment of (time, skill, resources, prayer, etc.) will make a huge difference
-He told me what you did. I really appreciate that
-They loved your presentation
-You are so (efficient, productive, good at your job, etc.)
-Well done
-This team would not be the same without you
-You’re a good man
-You’re a wonderful woman
-You’re a great mom or you’re a great dad
-I love your heart to help others
-You make me so happy
-You’re a great friend
-I really like spending time with you
-They told me how much they (respect, like, appreciate, etc.) you
ACTS OF GENEROSITY:
Alright, last step. Every day, do a small act of generosity for your person. This one is going to seem like the hardest one at first because it is going to be noticeable if, out of nowhere, you start doing a kind action for someone on a daily basis.
-Performing small acts of service for someone else – doing extra chores around the house, helping your friend move, bringing over a meal, - you want this to be something that the person notices, so that they know someone cares about them
-overcoming our tendency to be selfish
-Asking people questions about themselves. “I REALLY ENJOYED OUR CONVERSATION – THEY SAY EVEN THOUGH I BARELY TALKED.”
-How was your weekend? What did you do on your vacation? What’s new with your family?
-try not to be too busy for your person – I’ve heard it said that no person should seem like an interruption in your day.
-Being thoughtful – one way you can be thoughtful is by understanding how your person best receives love from others – this is called The Love Languages
-make a point to be patient in situations when you would typically lose your patience
-I don’t know if this would work for me and my person, but for some people leaving a note or a card with a nice message could be a kind act for them
-give or share something precious to you – this could be an item that you give away, or it could be giving your time away for someone
-be present, if you are doing this for a spouse, you could come home early to spend time with him or her instead of staying late in the office
-don’t respond in the same bad way they are treating you - -If I had responded in kind (as I unfortunately have done at other times!), it would have eaten me up. -The Golden Rule: Do to others as you would like them to do to you. – Or, treat someone who is not kind to you in the kind and generous way you wish they were treating you.
-don’t give them the impression that you’d rather be doing something else than talking to them
-assume the best
-When we were talking about practicing praise, I said that the praise has to be sincere and authentic. When doing acts of generosity, these things have to be unconditional. You can’t do these things expecting the person to do something kind back for you. We can’t even expect back appreciation. We are just being kind because God wants us to be, not to get credit for it.
2 Timothy 2:
24 And the Lord's servant[e] must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
-it might help others find God, or it might not, but you have to be kind always, even if they still remain unkind
-Obedience precedes emotion. What is God asking of you? Do it. Even if you don’t feel it. Because then you will feel it later.
-It is possible that nothing is going to change in the relationship you want to fix unless you take the first step. That isn’t fair to you, but it is possible that you need to be the one to act first.
-Kindness has to start somewhere before it can spread. Change starts with you.
1 John 4:
19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
-as we work towards be consistent in our kindness, we will become aware of how often we aren’t actually very kind.
-The fuel is loving Jesus first and loving other for his sake
-the kindness has to be constant
CONCLUSION:
-There has been research done on these three areas of kindness – Avoid negativity, practice praise, and acts of kindness – and the research has shown that a daily effort in applying these 3 things makes a measurable difference in the outcome of relationships.
The 30-Day Kindness Challenge – is designed to build a sustainable desire for and habit in each
-Being kind like this is not something that comes naturally. This series is on the Fruits of the Spirit, and we call them that because the Holy Spirit empowers us to act a certain way that isn’t natural. Once you become a Christian, you are given the power to act differently. With that in mind, let’s read from Luke, chapter 6:
32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
-As implied by what we have discussed thus far, what you say and do actually shapes what you feel. In other words, when you act kind, respectful, loving, and positive, you begin to want to be kind, respectful, loving, and positive, which is one of the key reasons the Kindness Challenge works so well to improve difficult relationships.
Doing this challenge can be tough, so there is also a prayer aspect to this whole thing. When we pray for change in our hearts, and open ourselves up to what God wants from our lives, that’s when you start seeing the Fruits of the Spirit in action.
-Now I want you to imagine something with me. We’ve talked about how our kindness could point people towards God, so what if we all took this Kindness Challenge. What if we all chose one person to be kind to for 30 days. What would that do for our family, or our community, or our workplace...and especially for God’s Kingdom?
EXTRA KINDNESS NOTES:
-Whether we thrive depends far more on how we choose to treat others than on how we ourselves are treated.
-The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind. Especially when we really don’t want to be.
-There are two types of kindness; -Targeted kindness – specific to one individual with whom you want a better relationship -Broad kindness – this will impact the many people you encounter and ultimately, if done in mass, this can impact the culture at large.
-A common denominator in whether people enjoy life is whether they are giving and experiencing kindness (which, for many people, is simply the outward face of unconditional love).
-If you choose relationships over results, you get better results in the long run.
-Combating unkindness with unkindness defeats the purpose! Worse, anything done out of frustration, hurt, or anger is likely to achieve only defensiveness and a worse relationship.
-God’s kindness reaches into our hearts and leads us to feel bad for what we’ve done wrong, and even more than that, God’s kindness also drives us to make a true change in our lives. We love God because he first loved us. That verse, where it talks about God loving us first is followed up by a challenge for how we should act.
-It has to be a habit. Otherwise it doesn’t happen.
-Positivity + Praise + Acts of Generosity = Kindness Challenge
-Kindness Blindness – we can often be unkind without realizing it – this is something I have struggled with
-Whether or not you dive into a difficult situation isn’t the issue: what makes you either kind or unkind is how you express it. Remember the goals: improving the relationship and bringing about heart change.
-One of the beautiful things about kindness is that it changes your heart toward the other person so that you want to keep being kind.
-“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” - Philo of Alexandria
-There are examples of negative actions to avoid on Page 73 and 76 that might be helpful to read out loud, then on Page 75 there is a list of benefits to nixing negativity.
-Page 79 talks about what to do when you have tendencies towards pointing out the negative.
While this isn't a marriage book, there is a lot of talk about husband/wife relationships. The Kindness Challenge, however, can be applied to anyone in your life.
At my church, I gave a sermon that was built around the principles taught in this book. In order to organize my thoughts, I wrote up some notes about the types of things I may want to talk about. Here are those notes:
OUTLINE:
-Romans 2:
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. 2 We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. 3 Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? 5 But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed.
-Our kindness can also lead people to God.
-Matthew 5:
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Kindness is made up of 3 distinct elements: thought, word, and action
-The three key aspects of kindness: avoiding negativity, finding and praising the positive, and performing kind actions that matter to someone else.
1. Avoid Negativity
2. Praise the Positive
3. Acts of Generosity
AVOID NEGATIVITY:
Here’s the big idea for what that means: Don’t say anything negative to the person for 30 days and don’t say anything negative about the person for 30 days.
You may have to point something out that isn’t going well, but the idea is to be constructive instead of attacking. It’s about how you say it, along with what you are saying.
With that being said, other than the more serious situations, there is a lot we could probably overlook and not be negative about in our relationships.
The first half of avoiding negativity is obvious…it is easy to see how things would get better in a relationship if you avoid saying negative things.
The second half, though, about also avoiding talking bad about the person behind their back can be a little harder to understand how that would tangibly better your relationship with them. I mean, they don’t know what you’re saying about them, so it isn’t making them feel bad, right? The problem with that is that your thought-life impacts how you act.
In the past I’ve been guilty of thinking that it is good to complain to someone if you feel wronged by them because then you aren’t holding it in and letting it get worse. Another thing people may do is complain about the person to someone else to help them blow off steam so that they don’t snap on the person.
The weird thing, though, is that studies have shown that if you tell someone that you’re irritated with them, or you tell someone else you’re irritated, it actually just makes you more irritated.
The more you bring it up or dwell on it, rather than just letting some offense go, the worse it is for you. What you think is what you will say.
If we allow ourselves to think unkind thoughts, they will eventually make their way out of our mouths.
Luke 6:
43 “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, 44 for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. 45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
PRACTICE PRAISE:
Every day, find one positive thing to say about this person. Just like in Step 1, this can be to your person, or you can say something good about them to someone else.
Part of this process is changing your own mindset about your person so that you can have a better relationship with them, so talking nice about them to someone else counts. But, of course, saying as many positive things directly to the person as you can will be best.
It is important that what you choose to praise is sincere. Don’t make up things just so that you can check this step off the list.
-It may take some practice, but over time you will find things to praise about the person you are having relationship problems with.
-The kinder you are, the more you want to be kind. The opposite of that is also true.
-Honor what they do rather than focus on what they don’t.
This step can be intimidating, so to get you thinking about what an authentic praise would sound like, here are some examples given in the Kindness Challenge book.
–Page 98 has a list of authentic praises that can be spoken or written to your person:
-Good job this week
-Thank you for doing that
-I’m grateful for your (willingness, thoughtfulness, etc)
-Your investment of (time, skill, resources, prayer, etc.) will make a huge difference
-He told me what you did. I really appreciate that
-They loved your presentation
-You are so (efficient, productive, good at your job, etc.)
-Well done
-This team would not be the same without you
-You’re a good man
-You’re a wonderful woman
-You’re a great mom or you’re a great dad
-I love your heart to help others
-You make me so happy
-You’re a great friend
-I really like spending time with you
-They told me how much they (respect, like, appreciate, etc.) you
ACTS OF GENEROSITY:
Alright, last step. Every day, do a small act of generosity for your person. This one is going to seem like the hardest one at first because it is going to be noticeable if, out of nowhere, you start doing a kind action for someone on a daily basis.
-Performing small acts of service for someone else – doing extra chores around the house, helping your friend move, bringing over a meal, - you want this to be something that the person notices, so that they know someone cares about them
-overcoming our tendency to be selfish
-Asking people questions about themselves. “I REALLY ENJOYED OUR CONVERSATION – THEY SAY EVEN THOUGH I BARELY TALKED.”
-How was your weekend? What did you do on your vacation? What’s new with your family?
-try not to be too busy for your person – I’ve heard it said that no person should seem like an interruption in your day.
-Being thoughtful – one way you can be thoughtful is by understanding how your person best receives love from others – this is called The Love Languages
-make a point to be patient in situations when you would typically lose your patience
-I don’t know if this would work for me and my person, but for some people leaving a note or a card with a nice message could be a kind act for them
-give or share something precious to you – this could be an item that you give away, or it could be giving your time away for someone
-be present, if you are doing this for a spouse, you could come home early to spend time with him or her instead of staying late in the office
-don’t respond in the same bad way they are treating you - -If I had responded in kind (as I unfortunately have done at other times!), it would have eaten me up. -The Golden Rule: Do to others as you would like them to do to you. – Or, treat someone who is not kind to you in the kind and generous way you wish they were treating you.
-don’t give them the impression that you’d rather be doing something else than talking to them
-assume the best
-When we were talking about practicing praise, I said that the praise has to be sincere and authentic. When doing acts of generosity, these things have to be unconditional. You can’t do these things expecting the person to do something kind back for you. We can’t even expect back appreciation. We are just being kind because God wants us to be, not to get credit for it.
2 Timothy 2:
24 And the Lord's servant[e] must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
-it might help others find God, or it might not, but you have to be kind always, even if they still remain unkind
-Obedience precedes emotion. What is God asking of you? Do it. Even if you don’t feel it. Because then you will feel it later.
-It is possible that nothing is going to change in the relationship you want to fix unless you take the first step. That isn’t fair to you, but it is possible that you need to be the one to act first.
-Kindness has to start somewhere before it can spread. Change starts with you.
1 John 4:
19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
-as we work towards be consistent in our kindness, we will become aware of how often we aren’t actually very kind.
-The fuel is loving Jesus first and loving other for his sake
-the kindness has to be constant
CONCLUSION:
-There has been research done on these three areas of kindness – Avoid negativity, practice praise, and acts of kindness – and the research has shown that a daily effort in applying these 3 things makes a measurable difference in the outcome of relationships.
The 30-Day Kindness Challenge – is designed to build a sustainable desire for and habit in each
-Being kind like this is not something that comes naturally. This series is on the Fruits of the Spirit, and we call them that because the Holy Spirit empowers us to act a certain way that isn’t natural. Once you become a Christian, you are given the power to act differently. With that in mind, let’s read from Luke, chapter 6:
32 “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. 36 Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
-As implied by what we have discussed thus far, what you say and do actually shapes what you feel. In other words, when you act kind, respectful, loving, and positive, you begin to want to be kind, respectful, loving, and positive, which is one of the key reasons the Kindness Challenge works so well to improve difficult relationships.
Doing this challenge can be tough, so there is also a prayer aspect to this whole thing. When we pray for change in our hearts, and open ourselves up to what God wants from our lives, that’s when you start seeing the Fruits of the Spirit in action.
-Now I want you to imagine something with me. We’ve talked about how our kindness could point people towards God, so what if we all took this Kindness Challenge. What if we all chose one person to be kind to for 30 days. What would that do for our family, or our community, or our workplace...and especially for God’s Kingdom?
EXTRA KINDNESS NOTES:
-Whether we thrive depends far more on how we choose to treat others than on how we ourselves are treated.
-The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind. Especially when we really don’t want to be.
-There are two types of kindness; -Targeted kindness – specific to one individual with whom you want a better relationship -Broad kindness – this will impact the many people you encounter and ultimately, if done in mass, this can impact the culture at large.
-A common denominator in whether people enjoy life is whether they are giving and experiencing kindness (which, for many people, is simply the outward face of unconditional love).
-If you choose relationships over results, you get better results in the long run.
-Combating unkindness with unkindness defeats the purpose! Worse, anything done out of frustration, hurt, or anger is likely to achieve only defensiveness and a worse relationship.
-God’s kindness reaches into our hearts and leads us to feel bad for what we’ve done wrong, and even more than that, God’s kindness also drives us to make a true change in our lives. We love God because he first loved us. That verse, where it talks about God loving us first is followed up by a challenge for how we should act.
-It has to be a habit. Otherwise it doesn’t happen.
-Positivity + Praise + Acts of Generosity = Kindness Challenge
-Kindness Blindness – we can often be unkind without realizing it – this is something I have struggled with
-Whether or not you dive into a difficult situation isn’t the issue: what makes you either kind or unkind is how you express it. Remember the goals: improving the relationship and bringing about heart change.
-One of the beautiful things about kindness is that it changes your heart toward the other person so that you want to keep being kind.
-“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” - Philo of Alexandria
-There are examples of negative actions to avoid on Page 73 and 76 that might be helpful to read out loud, then on Page 75 there is a list of benefits to nixing negativity.
-Page 79 talks about what to do when you have tendencies towards pointing out the negative.
January 14, 2017
Kindness is a simple concept but what a difference it makes in the lives of others - and our own. In fact, Feldham says the factor above all others that helps us thrive is not how we are treated but how we choose to treat others. Our happiness starts with the choice to be kind, especially when we don't feel like it.
Unlike other books I have recently read, Feldham not only encourages us to be kind but actually gives us lots of strategies to do so. It's not easy as we live in a culture of unkindness. We have to be purposeful and persistent. Feldham gives specific yet simple steps to help us be kind to our spouses and to others in general. She includes thirty suggestions for husbands, another thirty for wives, and then a final thirty for being kind to another person in general. She even helps us find out what we might be doing to sabotage our relationships.
I was surprised that Feldham writes that a decision to be unconditionally kind takes away the power of others to make us crazy. She also informs us that kindness is not the same as being nice or not rocking the boat. Being kind does not mean avoiding challenges.
I am impressed with this book. I expected the encouragement and the stories as illustrations. What I didn't expect was so many practical ideas for showing kindness. Her chapters containing the thirty days of suggestions are great. Her ideas on the eight types of kindness are great too.
I highly recommend this book for all readers. We need to practice more kindness and this book is full of practical ideas to help us on the way. Feldham says it takes thirty days to change our thinking and habits but again, there is plenty of material in the book for that. She even provides a website where one can get an assessment and sign up for thirty days of emails with encouraging ideas.
Food for thought: “It is only when you are actively kind to someone who is not kind to you that you see the true power of Christ-like kindness.”
I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.
Unlike other books I have recently read, Feldham not only encourages us to be kind but actually gives us lots of strategies to do so. It's not easy as we live in a culture of unkindness. We have to be purposeful and persistent. Feldham gives specific yet simple steps to help us be kind to our spouses and to others in general. She includes thirty suggestions for husbands, another thirty for wives, and then a final thirty for being kind to another person in general. She even helps us find out what we might be doing to sabotage our relationships.
I was surprised that Feldham writes that a decision to be unconditionally kind takes away the power of others to make us crazy. She also informs us that kindness is not the same as being nice or not rocking the boat. Being kind does not mean avoiding challenges.
I am impressed with this book. I expected the encouragement and the stories as illustrations. What I didn't expect was so many practical ideas for showing kindness. Her chapters containing the thirty days of suggestions are great. Her ideas on the eight types of kindness are great too.
I highly recommend this book for all readers. We need to practice more kindness and this book is full of practical ideas to help us on the way. Feldham says it takes thirty days to change our thinking and habits but again, there is plenty of material in the book for that. She even provides a website where one can get an assessment and sign up for thirty days of emails with encouraging ideas.
Food for thought: “It is only when you are actively kind to someone who is not kind to you that you see the true power of Christ-like kindness.”
I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.
June 4, 2018
Reviewer Paula Vince said, "One of the most common themes of my reading lately is that we have to watch our thought lives. It's what you put into your mind and focus on that will come out of your mouth. This book is no exception," and I whole heartily agree with this statement.
This is a step-by-step, or day-by-day, book on improving your relationship with someone(s) through the act of kindness. Feldhahn talks about how this isn't only about improving your relationship but also changing who you are for the better.
It was a struggle to begin this book. I was worried it was going to be more like a Pollyanna mindset where you just have to think positive and all will be changed, and she even addressed that in the book. I had a good chuckle over that. It isn't so much about that as it is taking this research and writing the results so we could apply it to our lives.
All in all, I didn't take a whole lot away. However, I would like to read it later and see if my viewpoint has changed at all.
This is a step-by-step, or day-by-day, book on improving your relationship with someone(s) through the act of kindness. Feldhahn talks about how this isn't only about improving your relationship but also changing who you are for the better.
It was a struggle to begin this book. I was worried it was going to be more like a Pollyanna mindset where you just have to think positive and all will be changed, and she even addressed that in the book. I had a good chuckle over that. It isn't so much about that as it is taking this research and writing the results so we could apply it to our lives.
All in all, I didn't take a whole lot away. However, I would like to read it later and see if my viewpoint has changed at all.
February 12, 2017
[Note: This book was provided free of charge by Blogging For Books/Waterbrook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]
I found this book surprising in a number of ways. In reading this book, I expected the sort of book that serves as the centerpiece for a Christan-oriented movie, where someone who happens to be a bit of a curmudgeon reaches a point of crisis where his or her negativity threatens a marriage and job and is challenged to be kind for thirty days and finds it changes their lives. While the book's tone and even the way in which the author wanted to lead a revolution of kindness to oppose the strident and ugly sort of public discourse that has become all too common is not surprising [1], what was surprising was the way in which the author opened up about her own struggles with social intelligence as a child and the way in which she sought to ground her advice in statistical data, with a large enough sample size to make the conclusions reasonably sound, although regrettably the author did not include the detailed crosstabs and statistical apparatus in this particular book for those of us who are most interested in data.
For the most part, the contents of this book are straightforward, and extremely ambitious in a good way. After a lot of comments in praise of the book at the beginning, which is usually the sign that the author is saying something provocative and wants the reader to see that a lot of people approve of the message beforehand, the book contains ten chapters and three parts. An introduction as to the importance of kindness leads into the first part of the book, where the author discusses why kindness matters, which contains five chapters on such topics as the surprising importance of a simple challenge, the immense power kindness has in influencing those around us, addressing concerns about kindness based on misunderstanding what it means, what kindness means in practice, and exposing the blindness many people have about their level of kindness. The second part of the book contains the book's remaining chapters, which amount to an altar call for people to take the kindness challenge, encouraging readers to get rid of 7 types of negativity in their treatment of others, overcoming ten tricky traps that prevent us from praising others as we ought, eight types of kindness to try, giving male readers an alternative challenge where the reader is encouraged to pay attention to their wives and really listen for fifteen minutes, and then seek to implement these principles for life. The end of the book consists of three different thirty-day plans, depending on whether the reader wishes to do it for a husband, a wife, or anyone.
In reading this book, I found myself in rather alarming amounts. I suspect many readers will find this to be true in reading this book as well. The author clearly belongs to the school of thought that urges upon those who view themselves as being wronged by the sins of others--whether that means a cheating spouse or someone who has hurt one deeply through abuse and ridicule. This is a writer who takes the biblical injunctions about seeking peace and goodwill for all extremely seriously, and who sees in a lack of kindness and a lack of anyone to accept being wronged as being responsible for the drastic decay in our social fabric at present. I can't say I blame her or disagree with her--I can certainly see myself as having some difficulties being kind to others, like my boss or like people with whom I am in serious and lasting disagreements, and I do not celebrate my own moments of irritation while dealing with people in my way, or the similar irritation and frustration and unkindness I see around me in the wreckage of broken relationships that one finds all around. I am not sure that I will take the kindness challenge myself, although there are certainly people in my life I could stand to be a lot more kind to. At least in the context of my life, the biggest issue I have with the book is the way that it places the burden of being kind on those who have suffered the most unkindness. Why should I have to be gracious to those who are ungracious to me, or kind to those who have been unkind and abusive? No doubt many people feel the same way, which makes this a book likely to be more appreciated than practiced.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2012...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
I found this book surprising in a number of ways. In reading this book, I expected the sort of book that serves as the centerpiece for a Christan-oriented movie, where someone who happens to be a bit of a curmudgeon reaches a point of crisis where his or her negativity threatens a marriage and job and is challenged to be kind for thirty days and finds it changes their lives. While the book's tone and even the way in which the author wanted to lead a revolution of kindness to oppose the strident and ugly sort of public discourse that has become all too common is not surprising [1], what was surprising was the way in which the author opened up about her own struggles with social intelligence as a child and the way in which she sought to ground her advice in statistical data, with a large enough sample size to make the conclusions reasonably sound, although regrettably the author did not include the detailed crosstabs and statistical apparatus in this particular book for those of us who are most interested in data.
For the most part, the contents of this book are straightforward, and extremely ambitious in a good way. After a lot of comments in praise of the book at the beginning, which is usually the sign that the author is saying something provocative and wants the reader to see that a lot of people approve of the message beforehand, the book contains ten chapters and three parts. An introduction as to the importance of kindness leads into the first part of the book, where the author discusses why kindness matters, which contains five chapters on such topics as the surprising importance of a simple challenge, the immense power kindness has in influencing those around us, addressing concerns about kindness based on misunderstanding what it means, what kindness means in practice, and exposing the blindness many people have about their level of kindness. The second part of the book contains the book's remaining chapters, which amount to an altar call for people to take the kindness challenge, encouraging readers to get rid of 7 types of negativity in their treatment of others, overcoming ten tricky traps that prevent us from praising others as we ought, eight types of kindness to try, giving male readers an alternative challenge where the reader is encouraged to pay attention to their wives and really listen for fifteen minutes, and then seek to implement these principles for life. The end of the book consists of three different thirty-day plans, depending on whether the reader wishes to do it for a husband, a wife, or anyone.
In reading this book, I found myself in rather alarming amounts. I suspect many readers will find this to be true in reading this book as well. The author clearly belongs to the school of thought that urges upon those who view themselves as being wronged by the sins of others--whether that means a cheating spouse or someone who has hurt one deeply through abuse and ridicule. This is a writer who takes the biblical injunctions about seeking peace and goodwill for all extremely seriously, and who sees in a lack of kindness and a lack of anyone to accept being wronged as being responsible for the drastic decay in our social fabric at present. I can't say I blame her or disagree with her--I can certainly see myself as having some difficulties being kind to others, like my boss or like people with whom I am in serious and lasting disagreements, and I do not celebrate my own moments of irritation while dealing with people in my way, or the similar irritation and frustration and unkindness I see around me in the wreckage of broken relationships that one finds all around. I am not sure that I will take the kindness challenge myself, although there are certainly people in my life I could stand to be a lot more kind to. At least in the context of my life, the biggest issue I have with the book is the way that it places the burden of being kind on those who have suffered the most unkindness. Why should I have to be gracious to those who are ungracious to me, or kind to those who have been unkind and abusive? No doubt many people feel the same way, which makes this a book likely to be more appreciated than practiced.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2012...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
November 2, 2020
The Kindness Challenge is meant to help repair specific relationships, but the concepts can certainly be used in general to improve how you relate to all others. The ideas are simple, but the work itself may be more difficult than you imagine.
The challenge is a three step process. For the next 30 days:
1. Do not say or do anything negative regarding your person. No eyerolling, no harsh tones, no heavy sighs. Not that you can't give criticism if needed, but it must be constructive and done in a kind way.
2. Give positive praise to your person. Multiple times a day if possible.
3. Do a kind act at least once a day for your person.
Much of the book delves deeply into how to do each one of these steps. The author is a Harvard-educated researcher, and she tells you where you can find the data to back up her theories. She is also a bible-believing Christian and uses scripture throughout. As a fellow Christian, I appreciated this. If you are not a Christian, don't let that stop you from reading. She does not use scripture to proselytize. She uses it to define kindness and points to many instances in the bible where Christians are instructed on how to be kind.
In our world today, we could all use a reminder on the benefits of kindness. Take the time to read (or listen to) this book. You won't be disappointed, and you will learn something.
The challenge is a three step process. For the next 30 days:
1. Do not say or do anything negative regarding your person. No eyerolling, no harsh tones, no heavy sighs. Not that you can't give criticism if needed, but it must be constructive and done in a kind way.
2. Give positive praise to your person. Multiple times a day if possible.
3. Do a kind act at least once a day for your person.
Much of the book delves deeply into how to do each one of these steps. The author is a Harvard-educated researcher, and she tells you where you can find the data to back up her theories. She is also a bible-believing Christian and uses scripture throughout. As a fellow Christian, I appreciated this. If you are not a Christian, don't let that stop you from reading. She does not use scripture to proselytize. She uses it to define kindness and points to many instances in the bible where Christians are instructed on how to be kind.
In our world today, we could all use a reminder on the benefits of kindness. Take the time to read (or listen to) this book. You won't be disappointed, and you will learn something.
January 11, 2020
-don't enable, nice is face value, kind is truly seeking the best for the other person. Not allowing people to do self-destructive things. Reminds me of my dad's renters who will take what they are given without giving in return, it's nice to help them, but not kind because it won't actually help them in the long run
-Obedience proceeds emotion- act and kindness will follow. If you continue to complain, distress will continue too.
-What you put in you will get out. If you watch or listen to sarcasm and arguments it will be on the front of your mind and it's what you'll say
-Talk about ideas not people. She said this about politicians.
-What you focus on is what you'll see. You'll notice more and more of it.
-What take in, think about, and do create your life. Do good and good will come
-Mirror nuerons- what we give out we'll receive. Smile, put positivity and energy into your relationships
-Feelings are indicators not dictators.
-What you look for you will find. Abundance mentality not catastrophic.
-inspire change, don't force it. Be positive.
-Obedience proceeds emotion- act and kindness will follow. If you continue to complain, distress will continue too.
-What you put in you will get out. If you watch or listen to sarcasm and arguments it will be on the front of your mind and it's what you'll say
-Talk about ideas not people. She said this about politicians.
-What you focus on is what you'll see. You'll notice more and more of it.
-What take in, think about, and do create your life. Do good and good will come
-Mirror nuerons- what we give out we'll receive. Smile, put positivity and energy into your relationships
-Feelings are indicators not dictators.
-What you look for you will find. Abundance mentality not catastrophic.
-inspire change, don't force it. Be positive.
May 13, 2022
I had read a great article on respect written by Shaunti Feldhahn, so I decided to try one of her books. This book invites the reader to take a 30-day kindness challenge, where you strive to say nothing negative, do kind acts, and understand them better. Much of it isn’t new, but it did help me keep it in my thoughts so I would remember to act.
Feldhahn’s great strengths come in when she points out gender differences. My husband and I have read some of her work together and when she describes how and why a man wants respect it becomes so much clearer to me, instead of me thinking I’m being respectful, but inadvertently doing things that make him feel disrespected. Likewise with her advice to men. She’ll write things like to ask your wife how her day. Listen carefully to how the things she’s telling you make her feel and help her feel validated and appreciated. That gave me some insights on myself.
4 stars!
Feldhahn’s great strengths come in when she points out gender differences. My husband and I have read some of her work together and when she describes how and why a man wants respect it becomes so much clearer to me, instead of me thinking I’m being respectful, but inadvertently doing things that make him feel disrespected. Likewise with her advice to men. She’ll write things like to ask your wife how her day. Listen carefully to how the things she’s telling you make her feel and help her feel validated and appreciated. That gave me some insights on myself.
4 stars!
July 9, 2024
Wow, I can’t wait to begin the kindness challenge! I want to try the challenge on many people in my life including my husband & kids. I love how this book describes kindness as a superpower! I learned so much from this book & am excited to put it into action & see the results.
Here are a few quotes I wrote down & loved:
-The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind, especially when we really don’t want to be.
-Kindness has a power to transform that is unparalleled in social science.
-It is only when you are actively kind to someone who is not kind to you that you see the true power of Christ-like kindness ❤️
-Jesus repeatedly emphasized something vital to our resolve against negativity. This world IS negative & dark, but He is the LIGHT of the world & our job is to shine that light to transform the darkness. How do we do this? We need Jesus’ Light & Love ourselves to share it with others.
Here are a few quotes I wrote down & loved:
-The path to our happy place starts with one choice: whether or not to be kind, especially when we really don’t want to be.
-Kindness has a power to transform that is unparalleled in social science.
-It is only when you are actively kind to someone who is not kind to you that you see the true power of Christ-like kindness ❤️
-Jesus repeatedly emphasized something vital to our resolve against negativity. This world IS negative & dark, but He is the LIGHT of the world & our job is to shine that light to transform the darkness. How do we do this? We need Jesus’ Light & Love ourselves to share it with others.
February 19, 2018
I actually read this book and did an online 30 day kindness challenge last January so I have had this book over a year now.
I have read this book at least twice since then because I find it very practical and helpful. This kindness challenge can help with any kind of relationship-work, family, partner. I used this book and challenge towards my husband and he noticed immediately and appreciated it.
I highly recommend this book if you are wanting to make a difference in someones life and if you want to learn how to be more patient, kind and loving.
You can go to the website here: https://www.jointhekindnesschallenge.... to join the free 30 day challenge once you’ve received your book or download a sample chapter to see what the book is like.
I received a copy of this book complimentary for blog and social media review. All opinions are my own.
I have read this book at least twice since then because I find it very practical and helpful. This kindness challenge can help with any kind of relationship-work, family, partner. I used this book and challenge towards my husband and he noticed immediately and appreciated it.
I highly recommend this book if you are wanting to make a difference in someones life and if you want to learn how to be more patient, kind and loving.
You can go to the website here: https://www.jointhekindnesschallenge.... to join the free 30 day challenge once you’ve received your book or download a sample chapter to see what the book is like.
I received a copy of this book complimentary for blog and social media review. All opinions are my own.
June 18, 2018
Whether marriage, friendship, or acquaintanceship, we all have relationships we can improve. The Kindness Challenge provides practical tasks we can implement to strengthen any relationship.
It’s so easy to say, “be kind,” but when we keep this in the forefront of our minds, and purposely do kind deeds, think kind thoughts, compliment and praise others, we create a habit. Little deeds can reap great rewards, and it certainly feels good to build others up. You can’t control others’ actions—but you can (and should) control what comes out of your heart, mind, and mouth. (Words hurt.)
I love this challenge. It’s very inspiring, backed up by research, and has a spiritual foundation. This book helps you be a better you.
Cover: Like
Title: Love
Pages: 224
Publisher: Waterbrook
It’s so easy to say, “be kind,” but when we keep this in the forefront of our minds, and purposely do kind deeds, think kind thoughts, compliment and praise others, we create a habit. Little deeds can reap great rewards, and it certainly feels good to build others up. You can’t control others’ actions—but you can (and should) control what comes out of your heart, mind, and mouth. (Words hurt.)
I love this challenge. It’s very inspiring, backed up by research, and has a spiritual foundation. This book helps you be a better you.
Cover: Like
Title: Love
Pages: 224
Publisher: Waterbrook
June 28, 2017
I read “For women’s only” several years ago and was impressed with Shaunti’s insights and understanding of relationships/human nature based on the biblical truth and her research. After wall, she is a Harvard graduate and has experiences on analysis. This book was short and to the point with practical exercise with on-line support and encouragement. I am doing the kindness challenge RIGHT NOW to a difficult (ok… more grace required) person in my life. It is pretty easy (conceptually) by doing the following three things: 1. Don’t say anything negative 2. Think of one good thing 3. Show kind action toward that person every day for 30 days. Why do I have a gut feeling that this challenge will change more of me than the other person?
February 7, 2023
This book had been recommended to me (maybe a hint?) and I bought it and it sat on my shelf after a brief look. It's been a great challenge for me - she has you identify ways you are being negative or unkind - many of which are hidden or you've just gotten used to them. 30 days (actually 90) makes a habit and that is the goal of this book - break old negative habits and build new kind ones! Whose life couldn't be improved by that! The simple and #1 item is to say nothing negative or in an unkind way. That's a big change. I'm a Christ follower, so I know the Holy Spirit has to guide me in this and I will fail some, but the month of January was a better month in my house :)
August 22, 2018
"The Kindness Challenge" looks at how kindness can transform all types of family and work relationships. The author talked about the benefits we receive from being kind and ways you might be unkind to others and ways to be kind to others (some of which you might not have thought of). She provided details about the three actions you are to do each day for the 30-day challenge. At the end, she included prompts for each day--usually a suggestion of a kind act to do. Overall, I thought she made good points which will help with most people.
December 29, 2022
A friend recommended this book to me because she had thoroughly enjoyed it and found it helpful in her relationships. I have not yet started the official "30 Days Challenge" but have found an increased focus on kindness to be beneficial for my relationships and my spiritual well-being. Venting about my frustrations is something I've been struggling with so God used this to help me correct that in my life. The author does note helpfully that kindness is not allowing yourself to be abused or walked over.
December 10, 2020
This book was a delightful surprise. The author is a Christian and looks at kindness from the perspective we see in Scripture. Everyone should read this book! We all have relationships we can improve. This book is a very clear roadmap to doing that. The author is not naive and clearly states that healthy boundaries are needed in relationships which are abusive. This book is one I intend to reread in the near future. 5+⭐️s.
July 2, 2023
We all have relationships that could be improved and being more kind is one of the keys. Too many of us think we are kind when we are really not. This is an excellent overview of how the simple act of being kind, in a way that it is received as kind, can change a relationship and make it stronger.
Often what one person thinks is kind is not perceived by the other in the same way. Good outline of why that happens and what we can do to change it.
Often what one person thinks is kind is not perceived by the other in the same way. Good outline of why that happens and what we can do to change it.
May 1, 2018
I really liked this book. It had great suggestions and challenges to help improve all your relationships. It was very practical and gave easy to apply suggestions. I need to reread it and continue applying the principles given. It helps you see ways you are unknowingly "not kind" without realizing it.
March 4, 2021
I wasn't sure.
I really wasn't sure this book would have anything to offer, but I am really glad I read it. When I listen to the news I just keep thinking that what the world really needs is to learn to be kind, but it has to start in the home first. I plan to do the challenge starting today.
I really wasn't sure this book would have anything to offer, but I am really glad I read it. When I listen to the news I just keep thinking that what the world really needs is to learn to be kind, but it has to start in the home first. I plan to do the challenge starting today.
September 9, 2017
Practical guide for anyone looking to make a change in their relationships whether between husband and wife, a parent/child relationship, or co-worker. Feldhahn really gives tangible ways to incorporate kindness back into our world.
November 15, 2017
Was full of great ideas and insights. I am all for everyone being a bit more kind to each other. I am on board for random acts of kindness. I am even on board for the bible references but, the book did seem to get a bit "preachy" at times. All in all a good book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 84 reviews