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341 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 22, 2016
He took a deep breath. “It’s just you’re so close to fucking perfect it kills me. You’re masculine, cute as hell, in shape and I can’t say that body hurts. You’re athletic, friendly and don’t seem to have an ego at all. If I was describing my perfect guy, he’d end up sounding a lot like you.” I stared at him with my mouth open. “Except you refuse to accept who you are and what you like. It makes everything else useless, because I can’t trust you.”
“No.” He stopped me. “It’s not about you telling people or coming out. It’s about you being able to say you’re gay to yourself. I could give a fuck about what you tell other people, Danny. It’s that you don’t like yourself because you don’t like being gay. I could never be with someone who thinks like that.”
No one had ever said anything like that to me before and it was crippling. Here was this guy, who I had drooled over, saying he would go out with me in a second, if I could just get over being gay. I said the first thing that came to mind. “I might be able to be gay if I had someone like you to be with.”
“I’m a fuck up, I admit that. But I look at you and….” My courage finally gave out. “I like you.”
I looked down at my shoes, unable to meet his gaze. He reached across and lifted my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye. “But you look at me and…?” he asked.
“And I want to be a better person. You make me want to be a better person so I can be with you. I know that sounds stupid but—”
He leaned over and kissed me.
I wisely shut up and kissed him back.
His lips touched mine and my head swam as if I was drunk. I reached up and pulled him closer.
It was as if everything I’d been missing was suddenly right there in front of me. Because it was; I just hadn’t realized it yet.
“Your problem is that somewhere along the way you became deathly afraid of who you are.” I scowled and he shook his head. “No, not the gay thing, I mean in regards to your body. You’re a freaking giant and you walk around like you’re scared of your own shadow. You never learned to assert yourself because you’ve spent so much time trying to diminish yourself and now, when you need to step up, you have no idea how because you spent too much time acting like a little bitch.”
“Danny, I don’t know how many times I need to say this. But I’ll keep right on saying it until you believe me. I don’t care who you date, as long as you’re happy. And if you are dating someone, I want to know about it because I’m your dad and we used to be able to talk about anything…” He hesitated then added, “I’d like to have that again, son.”
“So, basically you’re just pulling a Danny?” my dad asked out of nowhere when we stopped for gas.
“What?”
“You’re in your head worrying about things you can’t change, and things that most likely will never happen. You know, pulling a Danny.”
“I don’t do that,” I protested.
My dad calmly made a phone call to someone and put it on speaker. I heard Nate’s voice. “What’s up, Mr. Monroe?”
“If I told you Danny was ‘pulling a Danny’ what would you say he was doing?”
“Um… worrying about crap he can’t do anything about and stressing over things he imagined about something. Is this about his present?”
“I hate you.”
“You don’t get it, Sam! They were going to kick me off the team.”
“And you don’t get it, Danny. You could have changed the subject and called their bluff.”
“It wasn’t a bluff!” I yelled back. “It’s not a fucking bluff, Sam! It’s never been a bluff! Why can’t you get this? I want to play basketball. Basketball is my life and I can’t do that if they kick me off the team.”
“You’re never coming out, are you?”
I said nothing.
“I wish I could hate you,” he told me in a soft voice.
I wasn’t sure if he knew I was awake but he had to know I couldn’t answer.
“I really do. It would make things so much easier if I just hated you and moved on.” One finger traced over the top of my hand and gave me chills. “You think basketball is all you are. You think your only value is in that game.”
He leaned forward and I could see the tears in his eyes.
“You’re wrong. All that game is going to do is kill you.”
“You want to make a difference? You want to make people change?” Kyle asked me. I nodded. “Then just stand there and refuse to move. Don’t budge, don’t explain, just stand there because you have the right to stand there. The secret to institutions is that they don’t have as much power as people think they do. Their power comes from the fact that people think they have it. It’s not true. Take the illusion away from them.”

He looked up at me and I swear I saw forever in his eyes. I know that sounds stupid but it’s the truth. It was the same thing I’d felt when I saw his picture on Facebook last year. It was like I’d known him my whole life before we ever met.
