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344 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published June 4, 2013
We open with Shepard trying to warn me to take heed and go no further: “Have you ever gotten a bad vibe that something terrible was about to happen . . . only to have it come true?”. Stupidly I continue to read anyway, despite Shepard’s admission that continuing the series at this point is beyond ridiculous, and as a consequence am treated to what may be one of the worst prologues yet, although competition is stiff. This time we flashback to Aria, Hanna, Noel & Mike’s trip to Iceland, during which Noel was behaving weirdly (smoking a joint and looking a bit sweaty), so Aria decided to rob a priceless Van Gogh painting with a boy she met about 3 hours previously. As usual the police arrive and our PLL escapes but leaves her accomplice to face the music, meaning that the’s a new potential A. Why the police don’t catch Olaf the art thief when he’s left his jeep outside the crime-scene is unexplained. We also hear Noel muttering “I love you A” as he falls asleep in Aria’s arms, but since A#3 is unlikely to actually be called ‘A’, and since ‘A’ happens to be Aria’s initial, I’m not sure how this works as a sinister clue.
Back in the present, Spencer begins the book by immediately being dumped by her boyfriend, who is moving to Columbia / no longer needed for the plot. A#3 knows about this within 3 seconds of the event, which surely narrows the suspects down considerably? She also hears for the first time about her stepfather’s panic room, which will therefore be relevant 3 chapters later. Hanna is considering running for the prestigious title of May Queen, encouraged by 20 half-naked boys turning up at a restaurant with a message of support written on their chests. This would presumably make the restaurant a little crowded, but luckily everyone is too busy looking at the schoolboys’ “rock-hard abs” to complain. Hanna agrees because she is an airhead who cares about this type of shit, even though winning for some reason entails getting your photo taken in a graveyard, which will inevitably lead to summat supposedly creepy happening. Seconds after this decision old character Chassey Bledsoe suddenly reappears looking sexy/expensively dressed, and Hanna develops a burning hatred of her as potential competition. Then she gets a text from A#3 warning her not to compete, which I suppose means she’ll soon suspect Chassey. (How do you pronounce that? Chase-Sea? Chassis?”). Meanwhile Emily is in a lesbian clothes-shop (which is definitely an actual thing) tragically called Grrl Power, with her mother. She gets the same message as all the other characters, from an FBI agent who has suddenly decided to start investigating the Tabitha murder after eons of time and 3 autopsies. Nothing else is happening because she’s Emily. Finally, Aria is wondering how she’s turned from supercool hipster to lacrosse groupie overnight. The answer is that she is shockingly superficial, but she doesn’t work that out. Biggest event in her life is that the prom theme is reminiscent of the stolen Van Gogh. She might actually have beaten Emily for dullness this time, which is impressive. Also, every event from the previous books is rehashed in case I’d forgotten how stupid everything is.
Setup over, we move on with what exists of the story. The PLLs meet with the FBI Agent, who can barely be bothered to question them. Then they formulate a plan to meet in the aforementioned panic room to discuss who A#3 is, which is necessary because the entire rest of the world is bugged. Hanna drives to the meeting place straight from school in her own car, but takes time to change into an all-black secret-mission outfit. The meeting leads them to conclude that A#3 is Alison, which is a pretty exciting idea I’ve not heard before. In order to explain how she could possibly have done all the things she did, they also conclude that she has a secret financial backer / lover, although how she could possibly have had time to form such a relationship I do not know. Noel is of course a suspect, as is pretty much everyone else in the series other than Mike, as he is too stupid even for the PLLs to suspect. This seems odd, as stupidity would be the main reason for everything that has happened so far, and consequently Mike is my prime suspect. Then they scatter like a bunch of headless chickens to “investigate” by hanging around in a variety of locations, asking stupid questions and staring.
Emily heads to the local teen-girl mental institute, and 15 minutes later has signed out random lunatic Iris on the strength that she’s totally gonna tell summat about Ali, just not yet. Apparently the institute will keep an underage girl locked up for four years straight, but let her out the moment another underage girl with no ID asks if it’s okay. Aria keeps obsessing over the art thing until suddenly she finds out that Olaf has gone missing, and A#3 points her to the painting, rolled up in her cupboard. Why she doesn’t take it to the police I don’t know. Spencer resorts to googling for answers, and finds out that Ali’s surname used to be Day-DiLaurentis, even though no-one’s ever mentioned that before, which means that her family situation is about to become yet more complicated. Hanna volunteers at the hospital to question Graham from the cruise, but as he’s in a coma it’s not a very fruitful line of inquiry.
Meanwhile people keep talking about the way boys smell, catching glimpses of what could be Ali but probably isn’t, and saying the phrase “button-down” a lot, even though shirt is a lot shorter
Iris keeps dragging her story-line out by feeding Emily tit-bits about a mystery man in love with Ali, whilst filling in her time doing bad-girl stuff like pot-smoking and shoplifting. Aria keeps droning on and on about the painting thing. Spencer gets involved with an internet conspiracy theory blogger, which seems like a good plan to her for some reason. She then immediately develops a crush on him, sight unseen, since he has spoken to her and is also theoretically male. He believes that Ali escaped the fire she is supposed to have died in, and that he may be able to trace her via the huge amount of medical supplies she would have needed to source privately in order to recover. Fortunately there is only one chemist in the area, and only one customer has ever bought a large amount of bandages from it. Also, a recent pharmaceutical theft from the Rosewood clinic was obviously committed in order to source medical supplies for Ali, as there is no other reason to steal drugs. None of this makes the slightest sense. Hanna once again makes an instant friend, this time a burn-victim called Kyla, whose face is completely obscured by bandages. Which is normal and no cause for alarm. Shepard keeps retconning the story, trying to make sense of the whole Ali-was-Courtney-was-Ali-killed-Courtney thing via some previously unmentioned memories that suddenly surface, and references to ancient dead-end suspects like “Billy Ford”. Also, Spencer seems to be suddenly obsessed with coconut water, which I assume is trendy for this exact nanosecond.
In the pre-prom section of the novel Noel and Hanna are voted Prom King and Queen, surprisingly beating a boy we’ve never heard of and a girl who has had 5 lines in 13 books. After this shocking development both Hanna and Aria’s boyfriends break up with them for no reason, in the manner of arseholes. This leaves all 4 girls dateless on prom might, which I’m supposed to be arsed about. It’d obviously a big deal for Spencer though, as she invites her secret conspiracy-blog friend to be her date (Just before getting nearly killed by a bowling ball and a severed deer’s head. Don’t ask.) Meanwhile Emily takes a lunatic who used to be best friends with Ali to the secret site of their anti-Ali meetings, and all the girls try and get out of a second meeting with the FBI agent by ignoring her texts and hoping she’ll go away. Generally speaking, they aren’t very good at this whole covert investigation thing.
Meanwhile Hanna’s new friend with the hidden face cheers her up with pictorial evidence of her sexual harassment and stalking of a hospital nurse, and tells her a story about being burned by sulphuric acid. Hanna responds by giving her Ali’s catchphrase. She is in no way suspicious of anything untoward. Also the hints that Noel is the culprit escalate as we move toward the inevitable “the girls accuse the wrong person during a social event” finale. Plus Emily breaks into the house of a schizophrenic in the company of an escaped mental patient, and finds a picture of Ali along with the accomplice’s arm. She then finally realises that Iris would prefer not to go back to the mental home she’s been trapped in for four years. This brief break in her self-involvement soon ends when she concludes that the best thing to do is to invite Iris to prom with her, purely for the reason that otherwise she won’t let Emily go.
Prom night eventually arrives. Emily and her date get ready at a different venue from the others, because her date’s a girl. Chase says he has a video of Ali from last week, but he won’t show it to Spencer until after the first dance, because otherwise it would ruin the date. Watching the video in the middle of the date however will be fine. Then, all of a sudden, Spencer decides that Chase is the accomplice (whilst trapped in a car with him – as in every other book), escapes, and runs off into the middle of nowhere like an idiot. Hanna still hasn’t got a date, and starts smelling her father, which is weird since that’s what the girls do whenever they’re sexually attracted to someone. Luckily the creepiness is ended when Mike turns up after all. Then Hanna suddenly gives her crown to Chassey, since good winners are also losers or summat, and she and Mike run off to the clinic where Graham is coming out of his coma at the most dramatic time possible, in order to facilitate the “running around in the dark like idiots, when they’re meant to be at a party” part of the dénouement. Graham promptly dies, making the whole thing pointless. Meanwhile Emily’s long-lost girlfriend surprises her in a way that is stupid, convoluted and doesn’t make sense. She is then accosted by the FBI agent, who has come to prom because it’s the only way to get in touch with 4 teenage girls whose addresses, school location, phone numbers and e-mails she has.
The PLLs end up on their own with the suspect in the graveyard mentioned in the first chapter, because they are idiots and that’s how Shepard’s one plotline works. They hit Noel with a prom sceptre whilst he is trying to explain and then let him escape, because they never learn anything. Then we cut to Spencer having an Ali dream that doesn’t make sense. Although neither does the new Noel/Ali backstory, so I guess sense isn’t what we’re going for. Also they now know that the FCI agent is aware of a stolen painting in one of their houses, and panic that she will find it. Nobody thinks to just move the painting out of the house, because, as mentioned, they are dumb as rocks. Then Chase runs the old “blind date who sent his brother instead because he’s not good-looking” story. I would have preferred to find out that Chase has been in drag as Chassey Bledsoe for the entire book, which is why she looks different and has started talking, but sadly Shepard didn’t think of that. Spencer is flattered to hear that New Chase has been stalking her for years, and forgives him. Also Iris returns to her prison, because her storyline’s over. Then it turns out that Real Kyla has been dead all along. Then who was the girl with the bandaged face? How will I ever guess? Then it turns out that Aria’s painting is an obvious fake, meaning that a great deal of our time has been wasted by Aria not thinking to actually look at summat she’s been obsessing about for the whole book. The A sends several stupid and annoying rhyming texts which tell us absolutely nothing, and sends the PLLs to Noel, who is tied up in a chair and apparently dead, whilst gloating that he isn’t A#3. Although they thought he was an accomplice rather than A anyway, so even the closing threats don’t make any sense.
Finally there’s a little afterword in which A#3 gloats about how long the PLLs took to realise that they now have two enemies, working together. Although since Shepard only just came up with the idea it seems a bit unfair. It’s signed ‘A&A’, which means that we now 2 distinct suspects identified with the same code name, which is confusing and stupid. Once again I’ve learn nothing and Shepard has done nothing but muddy the waters by making her convoluted storyline yet more unintelligible and nonsensical. Cheers for that.
Stupidest Names
Olaf Gundersson (or Gayloff, as Noel calls him behind his back. That’ll show him.)
Jasmine Fuji
Brant Fogelnest (male)
Penny Dietz
Reeve Donahue (female)
Chase and Curtis
Kyla Kennedy
Tripp Maxwell
Angelica Anderson
Ryan Crenshaw (female)
Becky Yee
Greta Eggertsdottir
Worst Display of Fact Checking
“She didn’t even realize Icelandic policemen carried guns.”
“It was light all the time. The bathrooms smelled like rotten eggs. The food was crappy”.Plus
”how weird the milk tasted, how the backyard hot tub was probably full of bacteria, how uncomfortable the [hotel] duvet felt”
“Riley’s startlingly red hair and vampire-pale skin—definitely not May Queen material”
“If she won, her legacy at Rosewood would be that of a beautiful girl wearing the May Queen crown—not the girl who’d been tortured by A.”
“Rosewood Day took its decor chairperson job seriously—those who were interested had to fill out a ten-page application with design ideas and sketches months in advance, and many applicants even included digital portfolios and personal videos explaining why they should be chosen”
“I told my parents she’s a low-income student from inner-city Philadelphia who’s going through some tough times at home right now, and I’m doing this as an outreach program through Rosewood Day. Amazingly, they bought it.”
a button-down polo, and a down vest that made him look rugged and tough.”
“She hung up and eyed her prom queen crown and scepter—she carried them with her everywhere. Tears pricked her eyes. She was not going to ruin her makeup, though. A future prom queen needed to look good even when she was cleaning up pee.”
when Emily was younger, she’d assumed that nothing bad happened to people who had this much money.
“freshman-fifteen, beer-drinking arms”
If you're a fan of show like I am, then I recommend picking up the series. There are a lot of answers in the books that the show doesn't give you. Which I found both awesome and frustrating. I wish the tv series followed the books more closely but I do feel like the books story is better and makes a lot more sense. Not the best written series and the characters can be childish but very easy and enjoyable to read.