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The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish
Unlock your children’s potential by helping them build their strengths.
This game-changing book shows us the extraordinary results of focusing on our children’s strengths rather than always trying to correct their weaknesses. Most parents struggle with this shift because they suffer from a negativity bias, thanks to evolutionary development, giving them “strengths-blindness.” By showing us how to throw the “strengths switch,” Lea Waters demonstrates how we can not only help our children build resilience, optimism, and achievement but we can also help inoculate them against today’s pandemic of depression and anxiety.
As a strengths-based scientist for more than twenty years, ten of them spent focusing on strengths-based parenting, Waters has seen how this approach enhances self-esteem and energy in both children and teenagers. Yet more on the plus parents find it a particularly exciting and rewarding way to raise children. With many suggestions for specific ways to interact with your kids, Waters demonstrates how to discover strengths and talents in our children, how to use positive emotions as a resource, how to build strong brains, and even how to deal with problem behaviors and talk about difficult situations and emotions. As revolutionary yet simple as Mindset and Grit , The Strength Switch will show parents how a small shift can yield enormous results.
This game-changing book shows us the extraordinary results of focusing on our children’s strengths rather than always trying to correct their weaknesses. Most parents struggle with this shift because they suffer from a negativity bias, thanks to evolutionary development, giving them “strengths-blindness.” By showing us how to throw the “strengths switch,” Lea Waters demonstrates how we can not only help our children build resilience, optimism, and achievement but we can also help inoculate them against today’s pandemic of depression and anxiety.
As a strengths-based scientist for more than twenty years, ten of them spent focusing on strengths-based parenting, Waters has seen how this approach enhances self-esteem and energy in both children and teenagers. Yet more on the plus parents find it a particularly exciting and rewarding way to raise children. With many suggestions for specific ways to interact with your kids, Waters demonstrates how to discover strengths and talents in our children, how to use positive emotions as a resource, how to build strong brains, and even how to deal with problem behaviors and talk about difficult situations and emotions. As revolutionary yet simple as Mindset and Grit , The Strength Switch will show parents how a small shift can yield enormous results.
352 pages, Hardcover
Published July 11, 2017
196 people are currently reading
1319 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
January 22, 2020
Certain concepts in this book made me want to give it 5 stars, but then I felt that there was a lot of repetitive information that made me want to rate it 3 stars. I settled on 4. I really like the approach of supporting our kids strengths. I like how she explains her reasons for focusing on strengths through science, studies, and personal experience. I'll be taking several things away from this book but here are two of my favorites.
When complimenting a child you should point out specifics that have to do with their strengths. When they bring home a piece of artwork you can say, "This is very nice" or "good job" but it would be much better to say something like, "I can see that you used several different paint brushes to create texture in this picture, it really adds depth to it." Now you child knows that you've really seen them, you've seen the work they've done, and it helps them want to improve in specific ways. Can you imagine what it would be like if someone pointed out a very specific thing you did well rather than a generic "good job"? I bet you'd feel better and the compliment would ring more true.
The other thing I appreciated was when this book pointed out that we often project our frustrations with our own weaknesses onto our children when we see it in them. The example she gave was her son never put his bike away and it made her very frustrated. It wasn't until she connected that putting things away is very difficult for her that she realized she was projecting her feelings for herself onto him. I've already seen place that I unknowingly do this with my kids and it has helped me to change my thoughts about these specific things with my kids.
Overall I really appreciated the concept of the book, the execution could have been a bit better (eliminated about 1/5th of the book and made it more clear when she was telling a personal story versus a client story), but I'll still remember this for years to come.
When complimenting a child you should point out specifics that have to do with their strengths. When they bring home a piece of artwork you can say, "This is very nice" or "good job" but it would be much better to say something like, "I can see that you used several different paint brushes to create texture in this picture, it really adds depth to it." Now you child knows that you've really seen them, you've seen the work they've done, and it helps them want to improve in specific ways. Can you imagine what it would be like if someone pointed out a very specific thing you did well rather than a generic "good job"? I bet you'd feel better and the compliment would ring more true.
The other thing I appreciated was when this book pointed out that we often project our frustrations with our own weaknesses onto our children when we see it in them. The example she gave was her son never put his bike away and it made her very frustrated. It wasn't until she connected that putting things away is very difficult for her that she realized she was projecting her feelings for herself onto him. I've already seen place that I unknowingly do this with my kids and it has helped me to change my thoughts about these specific things with my kids.
Overall I really appreciated the concept of the book, the execution could have been a bit better (eliminated about 1/5th of the book and made it more clear when she was telling a personal story versus a client story), but I'll still remember this for years to come.
September 2, 2018
306.874 WAT
eAudio
https://www.strengthswitch.com/
Book Summary: we used to spot negative sides of ourselves and other people and react destructively due to 4 negative defaults. But as where our attention goes,energy flows, we can through deliberation and mindfulness shift us away from criticism inflicted upon by ourselves and others to focusing on our strength. SBP (strength-based parenting) teaches us how to spot our kids' strength. Turn on strength switch so we first notice the kids done right before done wrong, so that you can reframe our words, bring more constructively approach, enhance our strength and improve our weakness, switch the habit from "what need to be fixed?" to "What strength are needed to handle this situation?"
My after reading summary:
-- it is worth reading, but not to me. All said is good, except how to solve real problems. If you can not face your weakness head on and solve real problems, you never make real progress. Like math problem, if adults really want to help, analyzing feeling is not important, study math yourself, figure out why kids stuck, it is true help. Another example, the book mentioned her daughter Emily, each time the solutions always to appeal the strength, there is nothing wrong with it, but in order to solve the problems, one should dig up the root, ask why, obviously to me the author lack these abilities, make herself the habit by saying "Life is good". All these give me the impression of rosy pictures on the appearance, the shallow happy life. Maybe it is too harsh for me to make judgment. But epidemic of depression problem can't be solved by positive psychology, at least this is what I believe. Positive psychology in some degree is like opium, feels good actually it is not.
--Obviously the author has the points, but it seems to me focusing on strength is a way for low hanging fruit, instead trying hard on weakness, 越難越要做。
--I don't think children taking any tests about talents, personalities at early ages if not are good ideas, but at least need careful consideration. Labeling by its definition is self limitation. ADHD, ODD, ASD may only be a individual development stage, early diagnose may do more harm than good. As children grows old, they usually mellow. Our education system may not quite fit to children's need.
--Remember, the strength is also the weakness, the weakness is also strength. e.g love may hinder you take logic decision as book mention flip side or shadow side of a strength.
===================
strength-based parenting (SBP):
1. We mistakenly believe that the way to make our kids optimistic and resilient is to weed out all their weakness. Strength-based science turns the bulk of our attention to expanding kids' strength rather other reducing their weakness. Negative bias can magnify the effects of criticism, or worse, of harsh words leading kids to think they have no strength.
2. Attention on negative helped us survive. Attention on the positive helps us thrive.
3. Won't kids become overconfident? no. Simply strength will spill over to improve the weakness ( I intuitively know this before reading this book), and beside it is about real praise based on kids' actual strength, strength is unique about the kids, not special about the kids.
4. VIA Survey testing your strength
5. provide more free downtime, daydreaming time, mind can roam free, no more structure time, applied to either to sport or play date, or academic
===================
The most responsible, the most challenging, and, in the sense of being true to yourself, the most honorable thing to do is face up the strength potential in your talents and then find ways to realize it.
--Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton, authors of Now, Discover Your Strengths
--my comment: I would say that it take courage to be honest with yourself, it take more courage to face your weakness and resolve to change it, it take luck to find yourself at first place.
Reading Notes:
Part 1: Laying the foundation
--Parenting can feel overwhelming, responsible for all different departments: cognitive, physical, social, emotional, moral, sexual, spiritual, cultural, and educational. The buck starts and stops with us. We are raising kids in an era ruthlessly focused on grades, college admission, earning potential, and social acceptance.
--Good parenting model developed in 1960s by Diana Baumrind, 4 types
Baumrind parenting styles focus on 2 dimension: control, nurturance
Authoritarian or Disciplinarian (Control-cold)
Permissive or Indulgent (freedom -warmth)
Rejecting -neglecting uninvolved (low in warmth and control)
Authoritative( middle ground, control-warmth)
in book,Authoritarian as punitive, for confusion between Authoritarian and Authoritative
--SBP add development focus to 2 dimension: control, nurturance
Deficit focus
Strength focus
Steps: first, see strength; second, build on them.
--Four negative default
Selective Attention: By selectively focusing on some aspect, avoid information overloading, our brain can make sense of world, selective attention isn't always negative, but it is always distorting.
Negative bias: positive-negative asymmetry, we pay more attention to negative rather than positive information, bad impressions are easy to gain, good reputations are easy to lose.
Projection: also know as blame-shifting. In projection, we subconsciously displace our weakness onto others. We trick ourselves into viewing that negative quality in another person and restore our positive self-view. We see weakness in others more readily than strength, we're very good at not seeing weakness in ourselves.
Binary thinking: either /or , do /don't thinking pattern. Reality is more complex.
--The 3 key elements of a strength
1. performance (being good at something)
2. Energy (feeling good doing it)
3. High use (choosing to do it)
additional clues to the strengths
There's a drive or yearning; children naturally display it; Lose track of time when engaged it; It can be put to positive use.
--4 types of behaviors
realized strength: perform well, energized, high use
unrealized strength: potential to perform well, energized, low use at this state
learned behavior: perform well, de-energized, variable use
weakness: perform poorly, de-energized, variable use
developed by CAPP (Center of Applied Positive Psychology), author changed to core strength, growth strength
Chapter 4: The ages and stages of strength growth
reading p97-108 detail of brain development on 3 broad phrases
Romance phase: The early years
Precision phase: The middle years
Integration phase: The later years
--p106 Figure 3 development trajectories on eight key strength: music, creativity, athleticism, intelligence, curiosity, wisdom, emotional intelligence, personality.
--4 key strength-based parenting strategies
..mind-set management: fixed mind-set vs. growth mind-set
..role modeling: children learn as much from what we do as from what we say.
..strength-based scaffolding
..proximal development practices: deliberate practice within the zone of proximal: the sweet spot just slightly ahead of what the child is able to do, enough challenge to push the child, but not so much that avoid complete frustration and giving up.
===================
Part 2 Building strength
Chapter 5: Attention, Savoring, Gratitude and Goofing off
Savoring: is against Buddhism teaching, watch sensations come and go, no attachment, crave and desire cause pain, but author explore this idea on mindfulness. So her ideas are not very consistent.
Gratitude: I think about more gratitude may make us less greedy, more content, hence less desire, less disappointment, less pain.
2 types of attention
--Directed Attention: aim and sustain attention, aka, exert mind control, consuming energy
--Free-form attention: restore, renew attention and energy, free downtime, daydreaming time, Goofing off, mind can roam free.
3 years old attention time 3-5 minutes; 6-12 years old, 10 minutes; 15 years old, 20-35 minutes; level-off -- my comment: how long our kids can play game? Attention time is really determined by their interests.
p159 Good goofing off is not texting or talking on the phone.
----------------
Chapter 6: Mindfulness
basically Yoga teaching.
1. Focus your attention on your present-moment thoughts, feeling, and sensations
2. Notice when your attention has wandered away.
3. Bring your attention back.
Exercises:
1. Breathing method: Long, Deep breaths anywhere, anytime or time in trouble, such as equal breath, abdominal breath, breath circuit, etc.
2.Mindful coloring
app: Headspace, I Giant Mind, Happify, Calm
----------------
Chapter 7: Self-control
In essence, it is impulse control. Impulse come from brain limbic system
People was much more likely to engage impulse spending when their attention is distracted.
The Top 4 Self-control Sappers: the more we do these, the more we lack having self-control.
..resisting impulse
..making decisions
..suppressing emotions
..stress
Strategies help ourselves against self-control depletion.
1. flow activities rest and refresh the brain and regain the self-control
2. In Mindfulness we learn that feeling, thoughts, and sensations can arise and pass without requiring our energy to evaluate or act upon them. Thus mindfulness inoculates us against us impulses. Teaching mindfulness give kids the power to allow unwanted impulses to pass and direct their mental energy toward their strength and their goals instead
3. Have routines and make to-do lists, saving your brain's decision-making resources to conserve mental energy, apps such as Todoist (en.todoist.com); Any.do (any.do); Pocket Lists (pocketlistsapp.com)
4. Exploring and expressing emotions free sup self-control for better uses. People who suppressed their feeling become more "loose lipped", with people expressing their emotion didn't overshare.
----------------
Chapter 8: Communication
3 types of praise
--Generic Praise: sweeping positive statement. "Good job!"
--Process Praise: focus on actions, efforts, strategy, etc
--Person Praise: praise for character. "You are so talented!"
--Person Praise encourage moral qualities, but discourage achievement, vice versa on Process Praise. Process praise can backfire if the child believes efforts signals low ability. Strength-based praise use strengths (process-praise) to be a good person or perform well (person-praise).
----------------
Chapter 9: Strength-based living in the real world
Strength-based parents still need to discipline their children. The different is that they approach misbehavior from a constructive, growth-oriented perspective that gives kids a clear idea of the strengths that can be used to change for the better. Strength-based discipline is based on premise that by nature we are motivated to self-develop. Strength-based discipline can break the cycle of nagging/criticism/confrontation that quickly becomes unproductive.
discipline: Latin origin, is to provide instruction or knowledge.
discipline style
--Other-oriented induction: teaching and reasoning, thinking about her impact on others
--Expressing disappointment about expectation: she can do better, she has fallen short.
--Power-assertive response: controlling through physical size /power
--Love withdrawal: punishing by ignoring, isolating, refusing to speak, etc.
Other-oriented induction and Expressing disappointment about expectation are discipline, Power-assertive response and Love withdrawal are punishment. Discipline is uncomfortable but constructive, feeling of guilt, encourage prosocial behaviors. punishment induces shame. Shame and guilt are different. shame lead to self-doubt,anxiety, and depression, withdraw from others. Shame is so deeply painful that only choice is to avoid or ignore whatever caused the shame, thus, no learning can take place. Guilt leads to regret and empathy, lead to amend and repair of her/his behavior.
5 questions for diagnosing strength breakdown
Question 1: Is the strength overuse?
Question 2: Is the strength underuse?
Question 3: Is is the flip side or shadow side a strength? outward curiosity, that is asking too much questions exhausted parents.
Question 4: could it be a blocked strength?
Question 5: could it be a forced overuse of a weakness or a learned behavior?
Putting strength-based discipline into practice
Tactic #1: use circuit breakers to reestablish the strength connection
... Take some downtime.
... Do a two-minutes deep breath exercise.
... Spend some time feeling grateful.
Tactic #2: suggest dialing up or down a strength.
Tactic #3: Encourage a strength versus fixating on the negative behaviors.
Tactic #4: Substitute or swap in a strength.
use 3 Ps to work with weakness
... Priming: a head-up preparation to a situation may lead to her weakness.
Success tips: Be calm and matter-of-fact. Think any strategies that may reduce the stress.
... Present moment: simple mindfulness and actively working on the weakness in the moment.
... postmortem: after event analyze it, how she acted/reacted, and feeling, learn from it.
--my comment: I found Priming is very helpful for parents if you can predict our children's behavior, and find a solution to it, postmortem is also a good tools for parents; Present moment never work for my child. Child should eventually learn all 3Ps to deal with issues in the life.
----------------
Chapter 10:
Summary of tools may help:
Soaringwords
gallup strengthsfinder /Realise2 / VIA (Value in Action) Survey /
LET IT RiPPLE www.letitripple.org/ Cloud film: The science of Character, Adaptable Mind, The Making of a Mench
World Character Day
===================
Terms:
sow wild oats: (for a man) to have sex with as many women as possible."crop that one will regret sowing," is first attested 1560s, in reference to the folly of sowing these instead of good grain.
VIA: The VIA Inventory of Strengths (VIA-IS), formerly known as the "Values in Action Inventory," is a psychological assessment measure designed to identify an individual’s profile of character strengths.It was created by Christopher Petersonand Martin Seligman, well-known researchers in the field of positive psychology, in order to operationalize their Character Strengths and Virtues Handbook (CSV).The CSV is the positive psychology counterpart to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) used in traditional psychology. Unlike the DSM, which scientifically categorizes human deficits and disorders, the CSV classifies positive human strengths. Moreover, the CSV is centered on helping people recognize and build upon their strengths. This aligned with the overall goal of the positive psychologymovement, which aims to make people’s lives more fulfilling, rather than simply treating mental illness. Notably, the VIA-IS is the tool by which people can identify their own positive strengths and learn how to capitalize on them.
author like the books:
The Optimistic Child by Martin E.P. Seligman
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E.P. Seligman
eAudio
https://www.strengthswitch.com/
Book Summary: we used to spot negative sides of ourselves and other people and react destructively due to 4 negative defaults. But as where our attention goes,energy flows, we can through deliberation and mindfulness shift us away from criticism inflicted upon by ourselves and others to focusing on our strength. SBP (strength-based parenting) teaches us how to spot our kids' strength. Turn on strength switch so we first notice the kids done right before done wrong, so that you can reframe our words, bring more constructively approach, enhance our strength and improve our weakness, switch the habit from "what need to be fixed?" to "What strength are needed to handle this situation?"
My after reading summary:
-- it is worth reading, but not to me. All said is good, except how to solve real problems. If you can not face your weakness head on and solve real problems, you never make real progress. Like math problem, if adults really want to help, analyzing feeling is not important, study math yourself, figure out why kids stuck, it is true help. Another example, the book mentioned her daughter Emily, each time the solutions always to appeal the strength, there is nothing wrong with it, but in order to solve the problems, one should dig up the root, ask why, obviously to me the author lack these abilities, make herself the habit by saying "Life is good". All these give me the impression of rosy pictures on the appearance, the shallow happy life. Maybe it is too harsh for me to make judgment. But epidemic of depression problem can't be solved by positive psychology, at least this is what I believe. Positive psychology in some degree is like opium, feels good actually it is not.
--Obviously the author has the points, but it seems to me focusing on strength is a way for low hanging fruit, instead trying hard on weakness, 越難越要做。
--I don't think children taking any tests about talents, personalities at early ages if not are good ideas, but at least need careful consideration. Labeling by its definition is self limitation. ADHD, ODD, ASD may only be a individual development stage, early diagnose may do more harm than good. As children grows old, they usually mellow. Our education system may not quite fit to children's need.
--Remember, the strength is also the weakness, the weakness is also strength. e.g love may hinder you take logic decision as book mention flip side or shadow side of a strength.
===================
strength-based parenting (SBP):
1. We mistakenly believe that the way to make our kids optimistic and resilient is to weed out all their weakness. Strength-based science turns the bulk of our attention to expanding kids' strength rather other reducing their weakness. Negative bias can magnify the effects of criticism, or worse, of harsh words leading kids to think they have no strength.
2. Attention on negative helped us survive. Attention on the positive helps us thrive.
3. Won't kids become overconfident? no. Simply strength will spill over to improve the weakness ( I intuitively know this before reading this book), and beside it is about real praise based on kids' actual strength, strength is unique about the kids, not special about the kids.
4. VIA Survey testing your strength
5. provide more free downtime, daydreaming time, mind can roam free, no more structure time, applied to either to sport or play date, or academic
===================
The most responsible, the most challenging, and, in the sense of being true to yourself, the most honorable thing to do is face up the strength potential in your talents and then find ways to realize it.
--Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton, authors of Now, Discover Your Strengths
--my comment: I would say that it take courage to be honest with yourself, it take more courage to face your weakness and resolve to change it, it take luck to find yourself at first place.
Reading Notes:
Part 1: Laying the foundation
--Parenting can feel overwhelming, responsible for all different departments: cognitive, physical, social, emotional, moral, sexual, spiritual, cultural, and educational. The buck starts and stops with us. We are raising kids in an era ruthlessly focused on grades, college admission, earning potential, and social acceptance.
--Good parenting model developed in 1960s by Diana Baumrind, 4 types
Baumrind parenting styles focus on 2 dimension: control, nurturance
Authoritarian or Disciplinarian (Control-cold)
Permissive or Indulgent (freedom -warmth)
Rejecting -neglecting uninvolved (low in warmth and control)
Authoritative( middle ground, control-warmth)
in book,Authoritarian as punitive, for confusion between Authoritarian and Authoritative
--SBP add development focus to 2 dimension: control, nurturance
Deficit focus
Strength focus
Steps: first, see strength; second, build on them.
--Four negative default
Selective Attention: By selectively focusing on some aspect, avoid information overloading, our brain can make sense of world, selective attention isn't always negative, but it is always distorting.
Negative bias: positive-negative asymmetry, we pay more attention to negative rather than positive information, bad impressions are easy to gain, good reputations are easy to lose.
Projection: also know as blame-shifting. In projection, we subconsciously displace our weakness onto others. We trick ourselves into viewing that negative quality in another person and restore our positive self-view. We see weakness in others more readily than strength, we're very good at not seeing weakness in ourselves.
Binary thinking: either /or , do /don't thinking pattern. Reality is more complex.
--The 3 key elements of a strength
1. performance (being good at something)
2. Energy (feeling good doing it)
3. High use (choosing to do it)
additional clues to the strengths
There's a drive or yearning; children naturally display it; Lose track of time when engaged it; It can be put to positive use.
--4 types of behaviors
realized strength: perform well, energized, high use
unrealized strength: potential to perform well, energized, low use at this state
learned behavior: perform well, de-energized, variable use
weakness: perform poorly, de-energized, variable use
developed by CAPP (Center of Applied Positive Psychology), author changed to core strength, growth strength
Chapter 4: The ages and stages of strength growth
reading p97-108 detail of brain development on 3 broad phrases
Romance phase: The early years
Precision phase: The middle years
Integration phase: The later years
--p106 Figure 3 development trajectories on eight key strength: music, creativity, athleticism, intelligence, curiosity, wisdom, emotional intelligence, personality.
--4 key strength-based parenting strategies
..mind-set management: fixed mind-set vs. growth mind-set
..role modeling: children learn as much from what we do as from what we say.
..strength-based scaffolding
..proximal development practices: deliberate practice within the zone of proximal: the sweet spot just slightly ahead of what the child is able to do, enough challenge to push the child, but not so much that avoid complete frustration and giving up.
===================
Part 2 Building strength
Chapter 5: Attention, Savoring, Gratitude and Goofing off
Savoring: is against Buddhism teaching, watch sensations come and go, no attachment, crave and desire cause pain, but author explore this idea on mindfulness. So her ideas are not very consistent.
Gratitude: I think about more gratitude may make us less greedy, more content, hence less desire, less disappointment, less pain.
2 types of attention
--Directed Attention: aim and sustain attention, aka, exert mind control, consuming energy
--Free-form attention: restore, renew attention and energy, free downtime, daydreaming time, Goofing off, mind can roam free.
3 years old attention time 3-5 minutes; 6-12 years old, 10 minutes; 15 years old, 20-35 minutes; level-off -- my comment: how long our kids can play game? Attention time is really determined by their interests.
p159 Good goofing off is not texting or talking on the phone.
----------------
Chapter 6: Mindfulness
basically Yoga teaching.
1. Focus your attention on your present-moment thoughts, feeling, and sensations
2. Notice when your attention has wandered away.
3. Bring your attention back.
Exercises:
1. Breathing method: Long, Deep breaths anywhere, anytime or time in trouble, such as equal breath, abdominal breath, breath circuit, etc.
2.Mindful coloring
app: Headspace, I Giant Mind, Happify, Calm
----------------
Chapter 7: Self-control
In essence, it is impulse control. Impulse come from brain limbic system
People was much more likely to engage impulse spending when their attention is distracted.
The Top 4 Self-control Sappers: the more we do these, the more we lack having self-control.
..resisting impulse
..making decisions
..suppressing emotions
..stress
Strategies help ourselves against self-control depletion.
1. flow activities rest and refresh the brain and regain the self-control
2. In Mindfulness we learn that feeling, thoughts, and sensations can arise and pass without requiring our energy to evaluate or act upon them. Thus mindfulness inoculates us against us impulses. Teaching mindfulness give kids the power to allow unwanted impulses to pass and direct their mental energy toward their strength and their goals instead
3. Have routines and make to-do lists, saving your brain's decision-making resources to conserve mental energy, apps such as Todoist (en.todoist.com); Any.do (any.do); Pocket Lists (pocketlistsapp.com)
4. Exploring and expressing emotions free sup self-control for better uses. People who suppressed their feeling become more "loose lipped", with people expressing their emotion didn't overshare.
----------------
Chapter 8: Communication
3 types of praise
--Generic Praise: sweeping positive statement. "Good job!"
--Process Praise: focus on actions, efforts, strategy, etc
--Person Praise: praise for character. "You are so talented!"
--Person Praise encourage moral qualities, but discourage achievement, vice versa on Process Praise. Process praise can backfire if the child believes efforts signals low ability. Strength-based praise use strengths (process-praise) to be a good person or perform well (person-praise).
----------------
Chapter 9: Strength-based living in the real world
Strength-based parents still need to discipline their children. The different is that they approach misbehavior from a constructive, growth-oriented perspective that gives kids a clear idea of the strengths that can be used to change for the better. Strength-based discipline is based on premise that by nature we are motivated to self-develop. Strength-based discipline can break the cycle of nagging/criticism/confrontation that quickly becomes unproductive.
discipline: Latin origin, is to provide instruction or knowledge.
discipline style
--Other-oriented induction: teaching and reasoning, thinking about her impact on others
--Expressing disappointment about expectation: she can do better, she has fallen short.
--Power-assertive response: controlling through physical size /power
--Love withdrawal: punishing by ignoring, isolating, refusing to speak, etc.
Other-oriented induction and Expressing disappointment about expectation are discipline, Power-assertive response and Love withdrawal are punishment. Discipline is uncomfortable but constructive, feeling of guilt, encourage prosocial behaviors. punishment induces shame. Shame and guilt are different. shame lead to self-doubt,anxiety, and depression, withdraw from others. Shame is so deeply painful that only choice is to avoid or ignore whatever caused the shame, thus, no learning can take place. Guilt leads to regret and empathy, lead to amend and repair of her/his behavior.
5 questions for diagnosing strength breakdown
Question 1: Is the strength overuse?
Question 2: Is the strength underuse?
Question 3: Is is the flip side or shadow side a strength? outward curiosity, that is asking too much questions exhausted parents.
Question 4: could it be a blocked strength?
Question 5: could it be a forced overuse of a weakness or a learned behavior?
Putting strength-based discipline into practice
Tactic #1: use circuit breakers to reestablish the strength connection
... Take some downtime.
... Do a two-minutes deep breath exercise.
... Spend some time feeling grateful.
Tactic #2: suggest dialing up or down a strength.
Tactic #3: Encourage a strength versus fixating on the negative behaviors.
Tactic #4: Substitute or swap in a strength.
use 3 Ps to work with weakness
... Priming: a head-up preparation to a situation may lead to her weakness.
Success tips: Be calm and matter-of-fact. Think any strategies that may reduce the stress.
... Present moment: simple mindfulness and actively working on the weakness in the moment.
... postmortem: after event analyze it, how she acted/reacted, and feeling, learn from it.
--my comment: I found Priming is very helpful for parents if you can predict our children's behavior, and find a solution to it, postmortem is also a good tools for parents; Present moment never work for my child. Child should eventually learn all 3Ps to deal with issues in the life.
----------------
Chapter 10:
Summary of tools may help:
Soaringwords
gallup strengthsfinder /Realise2 / VIA (Value in Action) Survey /
LET IT RiPPLE www.letitripple.org/ Cloud film: The science of Character, Adaptable Mind, The Making of a Mench
World Character Day
===================
Terms:
sow wild oats: (for a man) to have sex with as many women as possible."crop that one will regret sowing," is first attested 1560s, in reference to the folly of sowing these instead of good grain.
VIA: The VIA Inventory of Strengths (VIA-IS), formerly known as the "Values in Action Inventory," is a psychological assessment measure designed to identify an individual’s profile of character strengths.It was created by Christopher Petersonand Martin Seligman, well-known researchers in the field of positive psychology, in order to operationalize their Character Strengths and Virtues Handbook (CSV).The CSV is the positive psychology counterpart to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) used in traditional psychology. Unlike the DSM, which scientifically categorizes human deficits and disorders, the CSV classifies positive human strengths. Moreover, the CSV is centered on helping people recognize and build upon their strengths. This aligned with the overall goal of the positive psychologymovement, which aims to make people’s lives more fulfilling, rather than simply treating mental illness. Notably, the VIA-IS is the tool by which people can identify their own positive strengths and learn how to capitalize on them.
author like the books:
The Optimistic Child by Martin E.P. Seligman
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E.P. Seligman
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 18, 2020
Great read, with so many examples to implement growth mindset language in a realistic way. I understood the concept from earlier readings and studying parenting techniques but this book gave me more natural phrases and words to use day to day and in the moment with my kids. I already notice being able to apply strengths based language more often than I had before, thanks to this book. I also like the repeated ways this book emphasises reframing the way we approach certain challenges with kids, again...with really good useful examples and lots of them. Instead of pointing out the weakness in the moment, reframe it as an opportunity to practice using one of their strengths to problem solve, etc. I've been able to add more of that to my parenting toolbox as well. It was not the most exciting book to read to be honest, but well worth it due to the great resources.
Read
August 1, 2017I am always interested in positive psychology books, so I picked this up. I am several chapters in and feel that there is a lot of repetition that is from other, similar books (such as Mindset, Grit, and others). Also I can't get past the author's continuous use of the term, "flick the switch" when referring to the process of changing her view of her child from weakness to strength based. It's not only a very repetitive term throughout the first part of the book, it's "flip the switch"! You flip on a switch, and the continuous use of flick vs. flip gave me a handy reason to put the book down. if the content had been original, I would have persevered. But overall it was too similar to many other offerings in the field.
January 30, 2019
This is how I intentionally raise my daughter, with a “Strength Switch” approach.
Actionable advice:
Share strength stories with your kids.
Rather than repeatedly reminding your children of the time they were too afraid to dive into the swimming pool, make a point of telling stories that illustrate their strengths. For example, a time that they spontaneously made a present for a relative or friend. Make sure to point out what specific strengths they were demonstrating when they did this, whether that be kindness, forethought or organization. Alternatively, choose a particular strength and get your children to tell you when they felt they used this strength most clearly in their lives.
Actionable advice:
Share strength stories with your kids.
Rather than repeatedly reminding your children of the time they were too afraid to dive into the swimming pool, make a point of telling stories that illustrate their strengths. For example, a time that they spontaneously made a present for a relative or friend. Make sure to point out what specific strengths they were demonstrating when they did this, whether that be kindness, forethought or organization. Alternatively, choose a particular strength and get your children to tell you when they felt they used this strength most clearly in their lives.
April 9, 2020
I'd give this 3.5 stars. I've read many parenting books, neuroscience, and self-help books and I felt this was a nice summary of many current theories in the positive psychology era.
Perhaps, it's a reader issue since I do read a lot of parenting books in attempt to raise my small tribe, I didn't really learn many new techniques. I though it would focus more on child behavior and identifying the strengths, but that was an "extra PDF" that I never really found as I checked out the audio-book from my local library.
Perhaps, it's a reader issue since I do read a lot of parenting books in attempt to raise my small tribe, I didn't really learn many new techniques. I though it would focus more on child behavior and identifying the strengths, but that was an "extra PDF" that I never really found as I checked out the audio-book from my local library.
May 12, 2017
The idea of raising your children with an emphasis on their strengths instead of their weaknesses is a great concept. I think it will help many families to concentrate on their children's good attributes and parent in a more thoughtful and positive way.
April 23, 2019
Totally bought into the premise of this book. I loved the comprehensiveness, though I'll need to refer back to it often in order to be able to implement any of the strategies. I already wanted to focus on the positivity and strengths of my children and this book gives good know-how on how to do that. Though, ironically, the actionable items are often my weaknesses. Ha!
September 14, 2020
Summary of recent research on child development, positive psychology and parenting tips. I read a lot of books on parenting and didn't find anything new or challenging or exciting in this book. As a summary of current approaches though, I suspect it's a great primer.
February 20, 2021
Loved the central argument of the book, that we should focus more on our children’s strengths and encourage use of those strengths during hard times, but the book was soooooo repetitive. Just read the first few chapters, and you’ve basically got it all.
January 31, 2019
Nice clear reading. Beginning to enjoy my audiobooks.
November 15, 2020
Jan, 20, 2020.
July 31, 2017
This review originally appeared on Brightly
I first picked up The Strength Switch by Lea Waters because it seemed like a natural outgrowth of “positive discipline,” a parenting philosophy I aim to adhere to. The central idea behind this new book is that as parents, caregivers, and teachers, we should focus on children’s strengths rather than trying to fix their weaknesses. As humans, we innately have a negativity bias, which leads us to focus on and remember the bad — what our children do wrong, what they need to work on, etc. However, Waters writes, “Attention on the negative helped us survive. Attention on the positive helps us thrive.”
With 20 years of research and experience in the field of positive psychology (10 of them focused on parenting), Waters has written my favorite type of parenting book: It melds scientific research with accessible analysis and exercises for the reader to do, including practical strategies and real-life anecdotes to see the methods in practice. Part One, “Laying the Foundation,” explains how strength-based parenting fits into our general attitudes toward parenting, how to define and understand strengths, and how strengths grow and change as children grow and change. Part Two, “Building Strengths,” is just that: It shows how you and your child can build upon their strengths using various techniques such as mindfulness and self-control. Waters cites many resources throughout the book and includes a strengths test for both adults and children (discovering your own strengths is an important part of the process!) and a list of other websites to help support and enhance your knowledge. The website for the book is also a great ancillary resource.
The Strength Switch approach isn’t about drowning kids in false praise or creating an environment in which they never face obstacles or hardship. Instead, the idea is to give them real praise that is based on their unique strengths, helping them learn that their strengths make them unique and will help them succeed. I found myself frequently highlighting passages as I read along, for my family to refer back to as my children age and go through school.
I first picked up The Strength Switch by Lea Waters because it seemed like a natural outgrowth of “positive discipline,” a parenting philosophy I aim to adhere to. The central idea behind this new book is that as parents, caregivers, and teachers, we should focus on children’s strengths rather than trying to fix their weaknesses. As humans, we innately have a negativity bias, which leads us to focus on and remember the bad — what our children do wrong, what they need to work on, etc. However, Waters writes, “Attention on the negative helped us survive. Attention on the positive helps us thrive.”
With 20 years of research and experience in the field of positive psychology (10 of them focused on parenting), Waters has written my favorite type of parenting book: It melds scientific research with accessible analysis and exercises for the reader to do, including practical strategies and real-life anecdotes to see the methods in practice. Part One, “Laying the Foundation,” explains how strength-based parenting fits into our general attitudes toward parenting, how to define and understand strengths, and how strengths grow and change as children grow and change. Part Two, “Building Strengths,” is just that: It shows how you and your child can build upon their strengths using various techniques such as mindfulness and self-control. Waters cites many resources throughout the book and includes a strengths test for both adults and children (discovering your own strengths is an important part of the process!) and a list of other websites to help support and enhance your knowledge. The website for the book is also a great ancillary resource.
The Strength Switch approach isn’t about drowning kids in false praise or creating an environment in which they never face obstacles or hardship. Instead, the idea is to give them real praise that is based on their unique strengths, helping them learn that their strengths make them unique and will help them succeed. I found myself frequently highlighting passages as I read along, for my family to refer back to as my children age and go through school.
February 7, 2019
This is a a gem of a book and a must read for all parents- there is a lot of parenting advice that floats around- Lea's book is different as in 1) it is grounded in solid work on strengths/ positive psychology and is evidence based 2) draws and relates the findings with her, and other parents example, and makes it come alive 3) doesn't shy away from discussions of nuances and has her own innovative take on things.
To take an example, while there is a lot of literature on how process specific praise is good for inculcating a growth mindset; and person specific praise inculcates a fixed mindset; she also highlights other research that shows that person specific praise may be good for moral strengths , while process specific praise good for performance strengths. However she doesn't stop here but goes on to elaborate how strengths based praise might work.
Overall I found it an excellent read and the fact that that she uses both Gallup as well as VIA as well has picked good aspects of Realise 2 gels with my own work where I use multiple strengths tools based on the particular circumstances. The time for strengths based parenting has come and if we want to do it correctly, this book will be of immense help.
To take an example, while there is a lot of literature on how process specific praise is good for inculcating a growth mindset; and person specific praise inculcates a fixed mindset; she also highlights other research that shows that person specific praise may be good for moral strengths , while process specific praise good for performance strengths. However she doesn't stop here but goes on to elaborate how strengths based praise might work.
Overall I found it an excellent read and the fact that that she uses both Gallup as well as VIA as well has picked good aspects of Realise 2 gels with my own work where I use multiple strengths tools based on the particular circumstances. The time for strengths based parenting has come and if we want to do it correctly, this book will be of immense help.
October 30, 2017
The strength switch is Waters’ recommendations for building more effective and resilient kids by using strengths as a basis for life both during good times and also in fostering behavior change. Waters has a host of great strategies. Some of my favorites were using the rubric of, “is this an over used, underused, or blocked strength” in determining a direction for behavior change, gratitude and mindfulness. Of course, these latter two are not strictly strengths-based tactics. This brings me to one of the two things I would be mildly critical of. If Waters is using strengths as the organizing principle for the book simply including anything she feels is useful without theoretically addressing why these things are included and how they relate to strengths feels lazy. Waters does this to a small degree but in the end it just felt like, “I included these things because I like them” argument. The second small criticism is that there are too many stories. I can see how the diversity is useful as almost every parent will be able to fins something they can relate to but I ended up skimming through at least half of them as I got the point and became more and more bored.
February 28, 2020
В целом книга представляет новую манеру общения с вашим ребенком исходя из обращения к его сильным сторонам. Всегда и везде. В похвале, в дисциплине, в сложных моментах, в итогах за день и проч. Настраиваем свою речь, обращённую к ребенку, чтобы сформировать его уверенность и опоры в этом мире на своих сильных сторонах. Очень даже верно и правильно! После Фабер и Мазлиш, когда училась общаться по-другому, эту книгу тоже возьму в практическое применение: говорить еще и с позиции сильных черт. Идея хороша.
Плюс автор приводит достаточно большое количество исследований, что очень радует.
Но в книге много воды, много бесконечно повторяемого: «осознанности, благодарности, моментов здесь и сейчас, медитаций, позитивного мышления», но без этого сейчас никуда. Тренд психологии.
Плюс упражнения иногда ну такие смешные) но есть и те, которые стоит таки выполнить. Хотя бы выписать список своих сильных черт и сильных черт твоего ребенка.
Вообщем, спасибо за идею! Возьму в практическое применение.
Плюс автор приводит достаточно большое количество исследований, что очень радует.
Но в книге много воды, много бесконечно повторяемого: «осознанности, благодарности, моментов здесь и сейчас, медитаций, позитивного мышления», но без этого сейчас никуда. Тренд психологии.
Плюс упражнения иногда ну такие смешные) но есть и те, которые стоит таки выполнить. Хотя бы выписать список своих сильных черт и сильных черт твоего ребенка.
Вообщем, спасибо за идею! Возьму в практическое применение.
November 3, 2017
Lea Waters uses the amazing science of positive psychology to redirect our parenting. "How the New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help YOur Child and Your Teen to Flourish" is the clear path Dr. Waters paves for herself and all nurturers who wish to join her. Flick the switch from our usual praise or criticism to a focus on our child's (or our) strengths and how they are used properly or overused/underused. This book is useful for everyone even if you don't have kids or your kids are grown ups. Flourishing is forgiving and do overs and is far more functional than "finding balance". What are your strenths? How can you use them in this situation? What are your child strengths? How did they use them? A greater understanding of our true selves and how we connect in this world raises us all.
November 14, 2017
The book had some great points - focusing on the the strengths of the child. It seemed that the same point was reviewed over and over again - which for me was helpful. There was a point about half-way through the book where I was enjoying the read on positive psychology, but felt the focus of the book was no longer on the child - I think the author even mentioned this at one point during this part of the book. This was not the first time I heard of a strength based approach, “Strength Finders” is a book that has been in the business realm for quite some time, but as the author said - this is the first time the focus has been on strengths in our children. So, yes, I will have my family complete the strengths assessment so that we can ALL focus on our strengths a little more.
January 30, 2019
Just some high level take aways I found beneficial:
-A child high interest and engagement in an activity may indicate skill capabilities in that area.
-Attention can be nurtured and strengthened
-Remember your child has been using attention much of the day.
-Praise will benefit children, but it needs to be specific. (We often notice the negative and forget to praise)
-The absence of praise may have negative effects on the child and your relationship with the child.
-Do not shame your child. This is an attack on who they are. Guilt (if used) that encourages remorse is a more acceptable option. The guilt reminds the child of their responsibilities.
Most importantly, compliment, nurture, and discuss the strengths of your child with your child.
-A child high interest and engagement in an activity may indicate skill capabilities in that area.
-Attention can be nurtured and strengthened
-Remember your child has been using attention much of the day.
-Praise will benefit children, but it needs to be specific. (We often notice the negative and forget to praise)
-The absence of praise may have negative effects on the child and your relationship with the child.
-Do not shame your child. This is an attack on who they are. Guilt (if used) that encourages remorse is a more acceptable option. The guilt reminds the child of their responsibilities.
Most importantly, compliment, nurture, and discuss the strengths of your child with your child.
November 5, 2018
The idea of strength-based parenting and to praise your kids is not something new, but the author author did a good job of pointing out why we need to do it. We need to adopt this mindset because people are naturally more alert to their children’ shortcomings than their strength. This human nature makes us more nervous than we should be when seeing our kids’ not performing up to the optimal standards either academically or physically. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings, parents should look at their strengths. The positiveness will benefit both the kids and the parents.
October 23, 2020
In this book, Waters presents a case for why we should focus far more on our children’s strengths than their areas of challenge. It’s more enjoyable for parent and child, and likely more effective in the long run. She offers advice on how to spot strengths (done often, enjoyably, and with talent) and how to help our kids recognize their own and use them more frequently. I found the perspective-shift to be incredibly helpful in parenting my children through their challenges and now use the language of "dialing up" or "dialing down" strengths regularly with my kids.
October 14, 2023
Highly recommend this book for parents of tweens/teens or even teachers - for when your children are trying to find their strengths. Helping them navigate on their journeys. Wonderful nuggets to apply and suggested words to help your children when they are growing up and experiencing the ups and downs of life. Really helping children foster their individual strengths - socially, academically, hobbies, etc. I listened in chunks while in the car and will definitely listen yo this one again or even get the hard copy so I can take notes and highlight!
October 22, 2025
I liked this one enough that I’m using some of the ideas in my classroom. I had the kids take the strength test and am trying to encourage their strengths. I need to read more on how to use it in a classroom to Kent more effective. Next I’m going to have my own children take the strength quiz. It’s got some good ideas that would be positives for parents for many people. I wish it had a little more and the resources right in the book, but it’s a good start for the idea of strength-based. It takes a lot for me to stop and make note of ideas in a book, but I did with this one.
March 25, 2018
The lens and the angle that Waters proposes is one that I strive for - to help students and kids see their strengths and use these to overcome their struggles .
the author shares supporting evidence and research from her work as well as from the world of positive psychology .
This is maybe not a book that "you can't put down" but it is an important read and one that I would recommend.
I truly admire the body of work and passion of Lea Waters!
the author shares supporting evidence and research from her work as well as from the world of positive psychology .
This is maybe not a book that "you can't put down" but it is an important read and one that I would recommend.
I truly admire the body of work and passion of Lea Waters!
January 31, 2019
This book on parenting has many connections with the ideas on business management found in First, Break All the Rules: What the World's Greatest Managers Do Differently and Now, Discover Your Strengths.
December 28, 2017
As a psychologist and a mum to two young boys, Professor Lea Waters book on Strengths Based Parenting has made a profound impact on how I work and parent. Clearly one of her strengths is translating research jargon into practical, authentic and fun ways to parent. I can't recommend her book highly enough.
January 14, 2019
Switch your attention to focus on child’s strengths rather than weaknesses. Compliment the underlying strength, e.g., creativity, or effort rather than the quality of output. Use guilt not shame to discipline your children. Point out a child’s action and encourage them to feel remorse for it given their strengths or responsibilities.
January 30, 2019
Parents bare great responsibility raising children into mature adults while keeping them both happy and productive. Enhance their natural talents and boost their confidence and empathy. Finally, children must be properly praised and supported. By watching signs of performance, concrete data will pinpoint the child's strengths. A very demanding and challenging task ,indeed .
June 29, 2020
This book had good information, but I really wish there had been a list of strengths listed somewhere in the book, preferably at the beginning but even in an appendix would have been nice. Instead, the reader is referred to her website. It is harder for me to identify strengths and that made it difficult for me to really grasp the application without having such a list at my fingertips.
June 14, 2017
Professor Lea Waters has written a must-read book for parents, carers, teachers and all adults who work with children. She has integrated research with strategies in such relevant ways. So many parents will feel validated and inspired to see the many strengths in their own families.
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