i

by Kanako Nishi, 西 加奈子

「この世界にアイは存在しません。」入学式の翌日、数学教師は言った。ひとりだけ、え、と声を出した。ワイルド曽田アイ。その言葉は、アイに衝撃を与え、彼女の胸に居座り続けることになる。ある「奇跡」が起こるまでは―。「想うこと」で生まれる圧倒的な強さと優しさ―直木賞作家・西加奈子の渾身の「叫び」に心揺さぶられる傑作長編!

Genres: Japanese Literature

298 pages, Hardcover

First published November 30, 2016

About the author

Born in Tehran in 1977 and raised in Osaka Prefecture.

After graduating with a law degree from Kansai University, Nishi made her debut as a novelist with Aoi in 2004. Her sophomore novel Sakura became a best-seller next year. She is also known for her novels Tsutenkaku, Kofuku Midori no and Entaku.

Reviews

[Rea]

picked this one up on a whim because of the cool cover and title (i (self) + 愛 + imaginary number + the protag's name (ai)) that's the title is basing as its main theme through the recurring line 「この世にアイは存在しません。」 (i does not exist in this world) uttered by the ai's math teacher. as in i does not exist because it's an imaginary number. but this strikes the chord with young ai, because, well, that's her name. therefore, in essence it's a negation of her existence. also works as a dismissal of 愛. unfortunately it's being used to tell a pointless story about bourgie wallowing in self-pity stretched for eternity.

it's a tale about about a syrian adopted by american/japanese couple living in brooklyn high having a complex about her upbringing. she mulls over her relation with her parents, which she deems as artificial as it is not based on blood, unlike most other familial relations. she ponders about how the fortunate situation of hers came into fruition, to her, instead of any other syrian child, or any other child for that matter. this consciousness comes from educated background of her parents which continually educates her. making her view the world as something unequal. for instance, from her daily life there is her housemaid, who fled from haiti with her four children, struggling to feed them. the book concentrates on the psychological examination of ai. the succumb to despair of hers as she sees the tragedy unfolding throughout the world, which also accumulates in her physiological deterioration.

my main problem with this book, which happens to be a problem endemic in contemporary political fiction (not sure, i've only read like two but hey) is that it's fake. it's faux political. a personal tale detached from anything political but told within a political backdrop because it's what's trendy (might be coincidental with the rise of a cesspool that is online activism).
[23:01]
ai notes all tragedies (manmade or otherwise) and their casualties as her way of self-loathing. any tragedies mentioned in the book are glossed over as ai wallows in her own bubble. they are just numbers. there's never any meaningful acts done in the meanwhile. not by her, not by anyone else. (there's her father but it's glossed over as something trivial).

the book reaches its comical point when ai meets her partner on a demonstration, which comes into a marriage. love blooming in a demonstration sounds like an awful tweet from some menfess which would have gotten ratiod but here we are. it climaxes in her wanting to have a child, to finally have someone that shares blood with herself. unfortunately that doesn't happen as she has pcos which hasn't been able to be cured. as she tried other means, she was forced to have miscarriage. this would have been an emotional plot point if it wasn't done in a juxtaposition to other things of greater scale that are actually happening in the real world. i think. it's sickening to use political background to tell a story of something else, impersonal and individual, that is actually devoid from anything political. at the end, ai conquered her despair and finally accepts her existence, despite all things, despite losing her baby. the ending is actually a good celebration on life. unfortunate what comes before were anything but. even if we take out the political background and such from it, it's full of cliches, incoherent structures, and poorly-written characters.

[Rina · Rating 5 out of 5]

吹き飛ばされた。西加奈子大好き

[Koyo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me think about what is happening in this world behind the curtains: some tragic news that we intentionally try to avoid, including wars, disasters, murders, and any possible happenings involving human death and suffers. What can we do as an individual living peacefully and not facing such situations when at the same time in the same planet, someone that is NOT you is experiencing such. What is the different between them and you? Why couldn’t they be you and you are the one surviving? These are obviously challenging to find solutions; in fact, it is fair that many of us have not deeply contemplated on this topic, until this book’s protagonist openly ponders throughout this book.

[Kosuke Kamiya · Rating 4 out of 5]

概要
養子で育ったシリア人のアイは自分帰属意識やアイデンティティというものに常に自問自答していた。高校時代聞いた台詞がアイの中で何度も繰り返される『この世界にアイは存在しません。』なぜ自分が幸せなのか。その答えを見つけて行くお話。

感想
事件の全てが現実のものなので、本当に身近に感じた。自分は根っからの日本人なのでそうゆう考え方はなかったのでとても興味深かった。彼女は聡明すぎたので、帰属意識とかそうゆうもの以上に自分が幸せでいいのかということを疑問にまで感じてしまうのが少し可哀想だった。印象的な所は、ユウとの会話の中で、初めて彼女は思考に先行して言語が出ていた場面。あそこでやっとアイは本音で人とぶつかれたのかなぁって思った。親友にさえ、言えなかったことをユウには言えた。やっぱりアイは存在していて、とても大切なものだと感じた。

[Erika · Rating 2 out of 5]

+第一文の「この世界にアイは存在しません」が印象的だった
+表紙のデザインが素敵だった
+友人が西加奈子の「さくら」をオススメしてきた
ので、図書館で借りてみた本。

メインテーマは「survivors guilt」。
シリアからの養子として日本人の母とアメリカ人の父に裕福な環境で育てられた主人公が、「何故自分が選ばれたんだろう」「何故自分だけ恵まれてるんだろう」という罪悪感が通奏低音。

本文の日本語が、なんだか翻訳口調に感じるのは私の気のせい？
それとも、この本に限ってそういう風に感じるように書かれてるんだろうか。

正直読後感はあまりよくない。
モヤモヤした綺麗ごとで終わった。


東日本大震災や世界各国の災害やテロや事故の話だけでなく、不妊、流産、中絶など、身近な話題が盛りだくさん。
親友は事情があって不妊治療中だが中絶する事にしたし、私はもう年齢的に高齢出産が目前に迫っている。
そして、私自身、東日本大震災の時は両親のカリフォルニアの家に留まって日本に帰るのを伸ばした経験があるので、罪悪感は想像出来る。

...つまり、内容が色々私の身近なもの過ぎて、読後感があまり良くない。
だから私は現代日本が舞台の本は読まないんだ、本の内容に引きずられて、気分が暗くなるから。
...

唯一想像するしか出来なかったのは、養子としての葛藤。
それと、日本で中東系の人間として生きている事の異物感。
これは作者の体験に基づくものなんだろうか、と気になった。

最後にミナが中絶せずに生むことにした、というのは、ご都合主義で綺麗ごとで、「あ、作者逃げたな」と思ってしまった。それとも、命の重さを印象付けたかったんだろうか。
ミナのアイへのメールで「私は謝る必要はない」と言ってるのに、簡単に覆されてて、納得できない終わりかただ。

(余談だが、東日本大震災の際、在米日本人は罪悪感を強く感じたらしく、皆意気消沈していた(食事が喉を通らなくなった人もいた)。私にはこの気持ちが想像できても理解出来ない。日本というだけで、何故そこまで「自分の事」として受け入れられるんだ？偶然日本で生まれ育っただけなのに。悲惨な災害や人災は日々世界中でおきてる。
それと、私個人としては、助けを求めても誰も助けてくれなかったので、「何故私が助けないといけないの？何故特別に同情しないといけないの？」と冷たく考えてしまう。幼馴染は東北に両親の実家があるので、かなり身近に感じたらしい。それでいいと思う。皆が一様に同じ感情を抱く必要は無い)

[Hime Burgess · Rating 5 out of 5]

もう買ってから3回以上読んでいます。
この本を読んで沢山の言葉に救われました。自分もアイと同じように不当な幸せを自分は得てしまっているのではないかととても深く思った時期もあり、何故だか自分自身で幸せになっては行けないと思ってしまうこともありましたが、そんな自分から離れた時にこの本に出会い、あらためて、そんなことを思っていたそのときの自分に読んで欲しいなと思った一冊でした。
幸せと不幸は引き算じゃないのだと強く思いました。

[Vanessa · Rating 2 out of 5]

「この世界にアイは存在しません。」

最初のこの文に惹かれて、読んでみたものの満足できた作品ではありませんでした。

主人公の難民に対する悩みがただただの高みの見物のように感じました。労働もせずに自分は恵まれた環境で育った云々言われても、どうしても偽善的でしかないように感じてしまいます。正直言ってもう少し内容の濃い作品だと思っていました。。。

[Akari · Rating 4 out of 5]

俳優の穂志もえかさんがおすすめしており読みました。

[Mika T · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just can't stop myself from expecting full of happiness and goofy lovable characters when I read Nishi's novels. That's why I'm quite disappointed after reading this one. I didn't like the main character. I sort of liked her parents but they just seemed too perfect to be true.

All the problems Ai(the main character) was having seemed like rich person's third world issues. That doesn't mean they are not important, but I could easily imagine her wiping her tears with $100 dollar bills. If she wasn't so rich, if her parents were not so understanding, if she wasn't into studying, she would have been forced to think about more realistic problems that are right in front of her face. But, because her life was too perfect, and all the small details in her life didn't require any fine tuning, her problems were elsewhere in the world which didn't directly influence her life at all.

Maybe it's making me sound like a heartless person, but Ai kept living in her la-la land that I felt like she almost didn't deserve to be sad for other people. What she needed to focus on was to appreciate what she had and concentrate on making people in her life happy. She didn't do much of either and she reflected in my eyes as an unappreciative, constantly self doubting, annoying kid.

I might have a break from reading Nishi's novels for now. I loved her earlier novels and I'm just really sad I can't have the same experience from her newer stories anymore.

[Yasuo Itoh · Rating 5 out of 5]

シリアで生まれ、米国人の男と日本人の女性の夫婦の養子となるアイ。血がつながっていないことに対してコンプレックスを持ち、自分の存在さえ疑う。虚数を表すi（アイ）が自分の名前と同じであることで興味を持つ。ところが、iは想像上の数字であり存在しないものであると教わる。「アイは存在しない」という柵に取りつかれ、アイの心に秘めながら日々を過ごす。孤独な主人公を自分と重ね合わせて読むのもよし、孤独感を持つ人々がいる事実を想像しながら読むのもよし、何か自分と共感できることを見つけながら読めるだろう。詩的な文章が心地よく、だけれども内容は人生の厳しさや意図せず置かれた厳しさや、思いがけない幸せの存在を表現している。読みようによっては重い話題ではあるが、何かしら心に沁みるものがある。

[Miho · Rating 4 out of 5]

一気読み。色んな思いが重なって感動の連続。 自分もなんとなくこんな風な子供時代だったと気がする。繊細ってそういうことなのか、と初めて分かった。