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Как разговаривать с мудаками: Что делать с неадекватными и невыносимыми людьми в вашей жизни
Автор бестселлера «Я слышу вас насквозь» и опытный психиатр Марк Гоулстон — о том, как вам быть с невыносимыми людьми.
Все мы периодически сталкиваемся с людьми, с которыми конструктивный разговор невозможен. Как с ними быть? Как разговаривать с кем-то, кто вообще неконтролируем? В этой книге известный психиатр и консультант Марк Гоулстон рассказывает, как же выйти из такого деструктивного общения победителем. У него большой опыт работы с неуравновешенными людьми (который позволил ему создать курс переговорщиков для ФБР), и он знает, что традиционные методы общения и аргументации с ними не работают.
Это книга о том, как общаться с невыносимыми людьми и сохранять при этом здравый рассудок. В ней вы найдете конкретные техники психологической защиты от «бытовых сумасшедших», заражающих своей иррациональностью и неспособных конструктивно и здраво решить ни один вопрос. Вы узнаете:
* Почему люди ведут себя так, как они себя ведут
* Как инстинктивные реакции могут обострять ситуацию — и что с ними делать
* Когда нужно противостоять проблеме, а когда — уйти от нее
* Как применять проверенные техники, описанные автором.
Для кого эта книга
Для всех, кому приходится общаться с невыносимыми людьми.
Все мы периодически сталкиваемся с людьми, с которыми конструктивный разговор невозможен. Как с ними быть? Как разговаривать с кем-то, кто вообще неконтролируем? В этой книге известный психиатр и консультант Марк Гоулстон рассказывает, как же выйти из такого деструктивного общения победителем. У него большой опыт работы с неуравновешенными людьми (который позволил ему создать курс переговорщиков для ФБР), и он знает, что традиционные методы общения и аргументации с ними не работают.
Это книга о том, как общаться с невыносимыми людьми и сохранять при этом здравый рассудок. В ней вы найдете конкретные техники психологической защиты от «бытовых сумасшедших», заражающих своей иррациональностью и неспособных конструктивно и здраво решить ни один вопрос. Вы узнаете:
* Почему люди ведут себя так, как они себя ведут
* Как инстинктивные реакции могут обострять ситуацию — и что с ними делать
* Когда нужно противостоять проблеме, а когда — уйти от нее
* Как применять проверенные техники, описанные автором.
Для кого эта книга
Для всех, кому приходится общаться с невыносимыми людьми.
246 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 21, 2015
874 people are currently reading
3662 people want to read
About the author
Mark Goulston
32 books174 followersMARK GOULSTON, M.D., is a business psychiatrist and consultant, author of the bestselling Just Listen, and subject of the PBS special “Just Listen with Dr. Goulston.” He writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in major media including The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 251 reviews
January 27, 2024
(Updated 2020) This isn't groundbreaking, but it's readable and I have found it to be very helpful.
"Crazy" is used specifically to mean NOT mentally ill. "Crazy" more or less means upset/temporarily irrational. For these people, the author recommends that one listen, let them vent, try to see their point of view, but not agree to anything unacceptable. His point is that most people who are just having a bad day or whatever will respond to this, show remorse for their crazy behavior and start acting appropriately. In my experience, this works well.
On the other hand, when you try talking to the truly toxic individuals, they will declare themselves by doubling down on crazy and escalating their bad behavior. Generally, that works for them because most people don't want to stand up to raging jerks. If one continues to set limits though, they will give up and find another victim.
The author gives some tips for detecting personality disorders and other actual diagnoses. For those people the advice is to leave them to the professionals. Do NOT get sucked into their psychodrama.
The book is a series of examples from a psychiatrist's experience.
To understand more about the types to avoid trying to reason with: The Sociopath Next Door
"Crazy" is used specifically to mean NOT mentally ill. "Crazy" more or less means upset/temporarily irrational. For these people, the author recommends that one listen, let them vent, try to see their point of view, but not agree to anything unacceptable. His point is that most people who are just having a bad day or whatever will respond to this, show remorse for their crazy behavior and start acting appropriately. In my experience, this works well.
On the other hand, when you try talking to the truly toxic individuals, they will declare themselves by doubling down on crazy and escalating their bad behavior. Generally, that works for them because most people don't want to stand up to raging jerks. If one continues to set limits though, they will give up and find another victim.
The author gives some tips for detecting personality disorders and other actual diagnoses. For those people the advice is to leave them to the professionals. Do NOT get sucked into their psychodrama.
The book is a series of examples from a psychiatrist's experience.
To understand more about the types to avoid trying to reason with: The Sociopath Next Door
May 24, 2016
Everyone has a crazy person in his or her workplace or family. (If you don’t think you do, it’s probably you. The old saw is pretty true.) Whether it’s Uncle Silas, who can’t stop spouting the latest nonsense from Fox News or Donald Trump; a hypercritical or manipulative parent or sibling, a backstabbing or shiftless coworker, or an insufferable mom who’s the president of your child’s PTA, they’re out there. Author Mark Goulston, himself a psychiatrist, gives wonderful advice for “leaning into the crazy” — not necessarily capitulating to the crazies in your life, but playing along enough to at least get them to listen to you or change their behavior. (I’ve learned that you can’t change anyone’s behavior — you can only change your own, thereby changing the dynamic.)
I’ve read other books about dealing with difficult people, but none of them can compare with this gem. And, for those listening to this book in the audio format, narrator L. J. Ganser, is superb. Highly recommended.
I’ve read other books about dealing with difficult people, but none of them can compare with this gem. And, for those listening to this book in the audio format, narrator L. J. Ganser, is superb. Highly recommended.
November 26, 2015
One of the most useful self-help books I've ever read. It provides realistic tips on how to interact with irrational people at home and at work, in relationships and in personal interactions.
The book is divided into five sections.
Section One: The basics of talking to crazy. Finding out how to spot what's making someone irrational.
Section Two: Facing your own crazy. So you know what makes yourself tick so you don't let others push your buttons.
Section Three: Fourteen tactics for how to talk to crazy. The real meat of the book. Mainly focuses on how to deal with crazy coworkers (the backstabbing snitch, the scary sociopath out to screw you over, the dysfunctional overwhelmed crybaby).
Section Four: Eight ways to deal with crazy in your personal life. A few tips on how to deal with relationship problems, breakups, kids and aging parents. Useful but probably could have been spun off into it's own book.
Section Five: What to do when crazy is actually mental illness. How to spot disturbing behavior, such as suicidal thoughts, that require professional help. He makes a good point that we could avoid tragedies like the Sandy Hook massacre if we had a better safety net for mental illness. Even if folks do seek treatment, they often get sent away with useless checklists and unnecessary medication.
The book is divided into five sections.
Section One: The basics of talking to crazy. Finding out how to spot what's making someone irrational.
Section Two: Facing your own crazy. So you know what makes yourself tick so you don't let others push your buttons.
Section Three: Fourteen tactics for how to talk to crazy. The real meat of the book. Mainly focuses on how to deal with crazy coworkers (the backstabbing snitch, the scary sociopath out to screw you over, the dysfunctional overwhelmed crybaby).
Section Four: Eight ways to deal with crazy in your personal life. A few tips on how to deal with relationship problems, breakups, kids and aging parents. Useful but probably could have been spun off into it's own book.
Section Five: What to do when crazy is actually mental illness. How to spot disturbing behavior, such as suicidal thoughts, that require professional help. He makes a good point that we could avoid tragedies like the Sandy Hook massacre if we had a better safety net for mental illness. Even if folks do seek treatment, they often get sent away with useless checklists and unnecessary medication.
June 24, 2016
Unexpectedly great. Finally, a self- help book that might actually help those in need.
I love psychology and neuroscience but find that most authors who write about these subjects using a self-help approach are far from what I would call scientists. I have a shelf called "Authors who want to make a buck," into which books like this one usually go. When I begin reading any self help type book, especially one whose author claims to be some type of expert in any field of psychology, I assume that book will receive one star and a spot on that shelf. When I started to read this, the tone was so self-help oriented, I was sure that was where this book would end up. Also, at times this book could have been titled "How to out-manipulate the manipulator," which made me initially view the author as fairly manipulative in his own right. The title seemed elitist and judgmental. However, the more I read, the more impressed I became. I even toyed with giving this book 5 stars because it exceeded all of my expectations.
This book had all the necessary pragmatic tools for dealing with manipulative personality types, like George Simon's Sheep's Clothing book, while somehow still maintaining an enormous amount of compassion for most personality types (something racist, classist, Simon was unable to do in his books). When dealing with sociopaths, Goulston offered the same advice as all his other credible peers: threaten to expose the sociopath if they do not leave you alone and cut all ties if you can. However, when dealing with just about every other type, Goulston had a much different approach than most of his peers. He did not take the hard line like Simon but he did not take the "you are hurting inside" approach that leads to enabling manipulators to continue to treat other's poorly. Goulston had the most balanced approach to treating patients as well as people we encounter in life that I have ever seen.
In order to gain readership, Goulston engaged in sensational or edgy labeling-- thus the "Talking to Crazy" title of this book. It was bit off-putting, only because of its condescending nature. However, when Goulston's book is read in its entirety, it is clear how much respect he has for many different types of people, situations, feelings, etc. In this book, he provided an extremely balanced and thoughtful approach to dealing with people in a (mostly) honest, respectful, and no nonsense way.
Most books that deal with DSM diagnoses are as messy as the DSM itself. It's hard to call the diagnostic criteria in the DSM "science" because it is so subjective. Authors who get stuck on trying to fit each person into a category often fail at logic. Their scenarios often provide advice such as, "Do x when you encounter this personality type, but sometimes do the opposite of x." It's usually a huge illogical mess. However, this author explains different situations with different personality types and is able to break free from the limitations imposed by the DSM. All of his descriptions are easy to understand, they cut through the crap, and they actually offer extremely useful approaches for each situation. I have been very lucky to not have to deal with too many offensive types. But, if I had a problem, I would definitely look to this book.
I would highly recommend this book for:
Anyone dealing with a manipulative person
Anyone who loves someone with mental illness and would like to help them without losing themselves in the process
Anyone interested in approaches in psychotherapy
I love psychology and neuroscience but find that most authors who write about these subjects using a self-help approach are far from what I would call scientists. I have a shelf called "Authors who want to make a buck," into which books like this one usually go. When I begin reading any self help type book, especially one whose author claims to be some type of expert in any field of psychology, I assume that book will receive one star and a spot on that shelf. When I started to read this, the tone was so self-help oriented, I was sure that was where this book would end up. Also, at times this book could have been titled "How to out-manipulate the manipulator," which made me initially view the author as fairly manipulative in his own right. The title seemed elitist and judgmental. However, the more I read, the more impressed I became. I even toyed with giving this book 5 stars because it exceeded all of my expectations.
This book had all the necessary pragmatic tools for dealing with manipulative personality types, like George Simon's Sheep's Clothing book, while somehow still maintaining an enormous amount of compassion for most personality types (something racist, classist, Simon was unable to do in his books). When dealing with sociopaths, Goulston offered the same advice as all his other credible peers: threaten to expose the sociopath if they do not leave you alone and cut all ties if you can. However, when dealing with just about every other type, Goulston had a much different approach than most of his peers. He did not take the hard line like Simon but he did not take the "you are hurting inside" approach that leads to enabling manipulators to continue to treat other's poorly. Goulston had the most balanced approach to treating patients as well as people we encounter in life that I have ever seen.
In order to gain readership, Goulston engaged in sensational or edgy labeling-- thus the "Talking to Crazy" title of this book. It was bit off-putting, only because of its condescending nature. However, when Goulston's book is read in its entirety, it is clear how much respect he has for many different types of people, situations, feelings, etc. In this book, he provided an extremely balanced and thoughtful approach to dealing with people in a (mostly) honest, respectful, and no nonsense way.
Most books that deal with DSM diagnoses are as messy as the DSM itself. It's hard to call the diagnostic criteria in the DSM "science" because it is so subjective. Authors who get stuck on trying to fit each person into a category often fail at logic. Their scenarios often provide advice such as, "Do x when you encounter this personality type, but sometimes do the opposite of x." It's usually a huge illogical mess. However, this author explains different situations with different personality types and is able to break free from the limitations imposed by the DSM. All of his descriptions are easy to understand, they cut through the crap, and they actually offer extremely useful approaches for each situation. I have been very lucky to not have to deal with too many offensive types. But, if I had a problem, I would definitely look to this book.
I would highly recommend this book for:
Anyone dealing with a manipulative person
Anyone who loves someone with mental illness and would like to help them without losing themselves in the process
Anyone interested in approaches in psychotherapy
May 28, 2018
Книга замечательная. Каждый день на работе, учебе, в автобусе, в магазине и даже дома мы сталкиваемся с "бытовыми" психами - людьми, которые ведут себя неадекватно, иррационально. Эта книга поможет, узнать, как с ними бороться и стоит ли. Самое важное, что я подчеркнула из этой книги : всем нужна коммуникация. Психами не рождаются, ими становятся. От недосказанности, от внутренней борьбы с собственными развивающими мыслями, от обид, о которых мы боимся рассказать и всей боли в сердце, которую невозможно унять. Автор раскладывает все по полочкам, и где-то в этих психах можно найти и себя. Живыми примерами наряду с теорией Марк делится со своими читателями. 5 из 5. Лучшее, что я читала из психологии.
April 5, 2021
It's sort of like a pop psych version of The Prince, but instead of manipulating snooty European nobles with "near truths" and tactical surrenders, you use it on coworkers and loved ones when they're acting screwy.
Goulston gives examples of the various crazy people will act out in their day to day lives -- focusing primarily on every day, garden variety crazy, not axe murderer crazy -- and how to disarm it. Most of these disarmaments require a sacrifice of dignity. You'll be flattering them unduly, you'll be lying about their capability, you'll be pretending they're right or that you're scared or something like that as a means of "leaning into their crazy" which gives you the leverage to frog-march them back into sanity.
He seems like an excellent psychiatrist, if duplicitous. I like the prospect of leaning into crazy. People get really embedded in delusional thinking, and to challenge that delusion challenges their whole self-concept, which feels like an attack not only on the individual, but on the whole foundation of the individual's world. Burning it down and salting the earth. So when you try to talk somebody out of crazy, it feels like bombardment, and they'll start deploying whatever weapons they have to stop what they perceive as your assault. And guess what? Those weapons? Real crazy.
Whereas, leaning into crazy, it's like a trojan horse. They won't realize you're dragging them back into sanity until it's too late, at which point they won't be irrational anymore, which is the point.
Goulston's methods are sketchy because yes, they are deliberately, premeditatedly manipulative. In that respect, it reads like a pick-up artist book. Here's a list of canned responses and insight into the psychology of others to coax them into doing what you want. It's just, in this case, doing what you want is "acting like a reasonable adult", and I think that's probably the greater good.
Goulston gives examples of the various crazy people will act out in their day to day lives -- focusing primarily on every day, garden variety crazy, not axe murderer crazy -- and how to disarm it. Most of these disarmaments require a sacrifice of dignity. You'll be flattering them unduly, you'll be lying about their capability, you'll be pretending they're right or that you're scared or something like that as a means of "leaning into their crazy" which gives you the leverage to frog-march them back into sanity.
He seems like an excellent psychiatrist, if duplicitous. I like the prospect of leaning into crazy. People get really embedded in delusional thinking, and to challenge that delusion challenges their whole self-concept, which feels like an attack not only on the individual, but on the whole foundation of the individual's world. Burning it down and salting the earth. So when you try to talk somebody out of crazy, it feels like bombardment, and they'll start deploying whatever weapons they have to stop what they perceive as your assault. And guess what? Those weapons? Real crazy.
Whereas, leaning into crazy, it's like a trojan horse. They won't realize you're dragging them back into sanity until it's too late, at which point they won't be irrational anymore, which is the point.
Goulston's methods are sketchy because yes, they are deliberately, premeditatedly manipulative. In that respect, it reads like a pick-up artist book. Here's a list of canned responses and insight into the psychology of others to coax them into doing what you want. It's just, in this case, doing what you want is "acting like a reasonable adult", and I think that's probably the greater good.
May 15, 2016
I am always looking for good books about therapy to broaden my knowledge-base and therapeutic skills . There are a lot of good books, and now I've found a new favorite. Why? Because it is packed with information, that can be used by everyone. Talking to crazy will make your life better, I am sure of it. Another thing: He has started a conversation project to help even more people communicate and heal each other. He writes: We can heal the world: One conversation at a time. This speaks directly to my own therapists heart and mind, and it will speak to you too. So if you want a better life, read this.
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April 22, 2019Книга із розряду self-help. У кожного з нас є хоча б одна/один знайома/ий, які час від часу поводяться нераціонально, стають такими собі «психами». Саме про такий тип людей і як собі дати з ними раду, розповідає Марк Ґоулстон. Автор дає досить чіткі інструкції, як діяти в тій чи іншій ситуації. Як поводитися із повсякденними психами, із психами-колегами чи начальниками, ну і, звісно, з рідними. Більша частина книги - саме про те, як впоратися з цими «психами». Є й інша частина. Про людей із психічними розладами, які потребують професійної допомоги. Тут ідеться про те, як схилити людей до прийняття цієї допомоги й усвідомити, що вона їм потрібна.
Про ефективність усіх підходів сказати н��чого не можу, бо не використовувала жодного в реальному житті. Читати і купувати, напевно, тільки тим, хто дійсно користуватиметься методами і підходами у поведінці з реальними людьми.
Про ефективність усіх підходів сказати н��чого не можу, бо не використовувала жодного в реальному житті. Читати і купувати, напевно, тільки тим, хто дійсно користуватиметься методами і підходами у поведінці з реальними людьми.
March 18, 2018
Главная проблема перевода этой книги на русский язык — её название. Ибо в оригинале ни о каких мудаках речи нет, там слово «crazy». То есть более корректный перевод — это «Как разговаривать с сумасшедшими». Однако ради привлечения внимания редакторы решили извернуться. Кого-то действительно привлекли, однако в реальности книга совсем не о том, о чём нам говорит её обложка.
Я решил прочитать эту книгу как своеобразное продолжение книги «Не работайте с м*даками» Роберта Саттона. Но оказалось, что общего тут ни на грош. Однако книга — намного лучше, чем я ожидал по её странному названию.
Автор — практикующий психолог, который по своей работе много общается со странными, безумными людьми. И он на примерах показывает, как можно общаться с людьми, которых мы считаем невыносимыми.
Начинает он с небольшой классификации сумасшедших, описывая возможные механизмы безумия, чтобы уже затем разобрать, как стоит поступать в каждом отдельном случае. Интересно, что на примерах он показывает, что большая часть проблем кроется в детстве, в принципах воспитания. И это накладывает отпечаток на всю будущую жизнь.
Затем он объясняет, что движет безумцем, какой у него образ мыслей. И плавно подводит, что любой из нас в той или иной степени тоже безумен. Поэтому первым делом нужно научиться справляться с безумцем внутри себя, не идти у него на поводу, даже когда очень и очень хочется. Ведь иногда с безумцем вообще лучше не говорить. Не только потому что это не приведёт к нужному результату, а также и потому, что может навредить обоим. Ближе к концу книги он чётко говорит, что в особо тяжёлых случаях без профессионала не обойтись, и попытка решить проблему самостоятельно может привести в том числе к летальному исходу.
Вообще, интересно, что вопреки названию, автор рассказывает про вполне обыденные истории: трудный в общении коллега, постаревшие родители с другими взглядами на жизнь, и т.д. Причём многие из них на самом деле желают вам лучшего. Именно поэтому мне так не понравилось русское название. Согласитесь, странно называть своих родителей мудаками просто потому, что иногда вы не можете найти общий язык. Да и сумасшедшими тоже, если честно.
Вторая часть книги — это краткое описание методик, которые можно применять в зависимости от конкретной ситуации и конкретного типа так называемого «безумия». Я умышленно тут взял слово «безумие» в кавычки, поскольку порой мы называем мудаками и сумасшедшими любого, кто ведёт себя нерационально (пусть порой и только на наш взгляд).
Часть этих методов вполне может помочь в повседневном общении с трудными людьми. Другие — для более тяжёлых случаев, и такие методы требуют уже хорошей подготовки.
В целом книга помогает по-другому посмотреть на проблему, найти зерно рациональности даже там, где в окружающем мире вам всё кажется безумием. Я лично нашёл несколько очень интересных методов, которые уже помогли мне улучшить взаимодействие.
Самое полезное — это что книга учит увидеть безумца и в себе. А это уже, так сказать, первый шаг к самоизлечению от «мудачества».
В самом конце в книге приводятся советы по совсем тяжёлым ситуациям, например, что делать, если ваш близкий хочет покончить с собой.
Я действительно не ожидал, что книга окажется настолько интересной и полезной.
Я решил прочитать эту книгу как своеобразное продолжение книги «Не работайте с м*даками» Роберта Саттона. Но оказалось, что общего тут ни на грош. Однако книга — намного лучше, чем я ожидал по её странному названию.
Автор — практикующий психолог, который по своей работе много общается со странными, безумными людьми. И он на примерах показывает, как можно общаться с людьми, которых мы считаем невыносимыми.
Начинает он с небольшой классификации сумасшедших, описывая возможные механизмы безумия, чтобы уже затем разобрать, как стоит поступать в каждом отдельном случае. Интересно, что на примерах он показывает, что большая часть проблем кроется в детстве, в принципах воспитания. И это накладывает отпечаток на всю будущую жизнь.
Затем он объясняет, что движет безумцем, какой у него образ мыслей. И плавно подводит, что любой из нас в той или иной степени тоже безумен. Поэтому первым делом нужно научиться справляться с безумцем внутри себя, не идти у него на поводу, даже когда очень и очень хочется. Ведь иногда с безумцем вообще лучше не говорить. Не только потому что это не приведёт к нужному результату, а также и потому, что может навредить обоим. Ближе к концу книги он чётко говорит, что в особо тяжёлых случаях без профессионала не обойтись, и попытка решить проблему самостоятельно может привести в том числе к летальному исходу.
Вообще, интересно, что вопреки названию, автор рассказывает про вполне обыденные истории: трудный в общении коллега, постаревшие родители с другими взглядами на жизнь, и т.д. Причём многие из них на самом деле желают вам лучшего. Именно поэтому мне так не понравилось русское название. Согласитесь, странно называть своих родителей мудаками просто потому, что иногда вы не можете найти общий язык. Да и сумасшедшими тоже, если честно.
Вторая часть книги — это краткое описание методик, которые можно применять в зависимости от конкретной ситуации и конкретного типа так называемого «безумия». Я умышленно тут взял слово «безумие» в кавычки, поскольку порой мы называем мудаками и сумасшедшими любого, кто ведёт себя нерационально (пусть порой и только на наш взгляд).
Часть этих методов вполне может помочь в повседневном общении с трудными людьми. Другие — для более тяжёлых случаев, и такие методы требуют уже хорошей подготовки.
В целом книга помогает по-другому посмотреть на проблему, найти зерно рациональности даже там, где в окружающем мире вам всё кажется безумием. Я лично нашёл несколько очень интересных методов, которые уже помогли мне улучшить взаимодействие.
Самое полезное — это что книга учит увидеть безумца и в себе. А это уже, так сказать, первый шаг к самоизлечению от «мудачества».
В самом конце в книге приводятся советы по совсем тяжёлым ситуациям, например, что делать, если ваш близкий хочет покончить с собой.
Я действительно не ожидал, что книга окажется настолько интересной и полезной.
July 21, 2021
Із самого початку ця книга (можливо через переклад, але вже не буду цього з'ясовувати) має проблему із визначеннями основних понять. "Психи" - це "люди, які поводяться безглуздо". Цього, на думку визначного психіатра і науковця, достатньо, щоб навішати ярлики на людей. Тобто читач бере книгу і з допомогою порад автора починає сприймати навколишніх людей як психів тільки тому, що вони безглуздо себе поводять. Будь-який маніпулятор може взяти собі поради на озброєння і потім газлайтити партнерів/друзів/рідних. Деякі розділи ще можна читати і знаходити зерня правди, але від видатного психіатра очікував етичності, методичності і системності підходу, а не якоїсь відвертої дурні.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 26, 2016
Another of my "on sale, looks interesting" reads, Talking to Crazy focuses on dealing with irrational ("crazy") people, running a range from annoying co-workers to potential mass murderers. Yes, there is a chapter on dealing with people who may be thinking of getting a gun and doing some people huntin'.
Talking to Crazy is not a book for people who like lots of data, studies and stats to back up the claims and advice on offer. Goulston has many years of experience as a psychiatrist and draws on anecdotes from that experience to illustrate the strategies he lays out. He also admits that mental health can be at times a lot trickier to diagnose and treat than physical ailments and frequently cautions that some of his advise should be used with caution or not used at all without the assistance of a mental health professional.
Most of the strategies revolve around empathy--listening to the irrational person, letting them know you understand they are upset, not judging, not offering solutions (at least not immediately). Much of this is common sense but Goulston provides detailed steps and often explicit phrases or wordings to use.
The book turns increasingly darker as it moves from dealing with people you may not need to interact with (his advice on those is: don't) to co-workers and then family. He covers how to handle those with genuine mental disorders like schizophrenia (mostly by sensibly letting mental health care workers do the heavy lifting) and ends with strategies on handling people who may be thinking of suicide (yikes) or those who may be primed to follow in the steps of the many mass murderers of late. Here he chillingly warns parents of potential killers that if they are worried about saying something lest they become a target that they are already targets before they say a single word.
It's hard to refute the advice given, as so much of it is both common sense and comes from a solid core of providing empathy and withholding judgment. In essence, Goulston is saying that the best way to deal with irrational people is to keep yourself in check, so you don't join in on the accusations, fear and anger. He emphasizes this by spending a section of the book with a series of exercises that force the reader to reflect and self-assess, to look for their own weaknesses and learn to manage or overcome them.
Much of the advice will be difficult for people to act on. Goulston comes across as outgoing and forthright. The timid will find it challenging to say most of the things he thinks is necessary to defuse irrational people and begin the process of turning their behavior toward the positive. But just rehearsing the steps alone may help bolster someone's confidence and push them that much closer to trying.
Talking to Crazy is written in a highly accessible style and the heavy use of anecdotes gives the book the feel of a conversation, rather than a checklist of things to do. I fortunately don't have to deal with anyone I'd flat-out call irrational, so I'm unlikely to use the advice anytime soon. The advice is solid and presented well, though. I would have preferred more data to back up the strategies but this is a more of a nitpick. Talking to Crazy is not a data-driven book and the advice remains useful and at times thought-provoking all the same.
Talking to Crazy is not a book for people who like lots of data, studies and stats to back up the claims and advice on offer. Goulston has many years of experience as a psychiatrist and draws on anecdotes from that experience to illustrate the strategies he lays out. He also admits that mental health can be at times a lot trickier to diagnose and treat than physical ailments and frequently cautions that some of his advise should be used with caution or not used at all without the assistance of a mental health professional.
Most of the strategies revolve around empathy--listening to the irrational person, letting them know you understand they are upset, not judging, not offering solutions (at least not immediately). Much of this is common sense but Goulston provides detailed steps and often explicit phrases or wordings to use.
The book turns increasingly darker as it moves from dealing with people you may not need to interact with (his advice on those is: don't) to co-workers and then family. He covers how to handle those with genuine mental disorders like schizophrenia (mostly by sensibly letting mental health care workers do the heavy lifting) and ends with strategies on handling people who may be thinking of suicide (yikes) or those who may be primed to follow in the steps of the many mass murderers of late. Here he chillingly warns parents of potential killers that if they are worried about saying something lest they become a target that they are already targets before they say a single word.
It's hard to refute the advice given, as so much of it is both common sense and comes from a solid core of providing empathy and withholding judgment. In essence, Goulston is saying that the best way to deal with irrational people is to keep yourself in check, so you don't join in on the accusations, fear and anger. He emphasizes this by spending a section of the book with a series of exercises that force the reader to reflect and self-assess, to look for their own weaknesses and learn to manage or overcome them.
Much of the advice will be difficult for people to act on. Goulston comes across as outgoing and forthright. The timid will find it challenging to say most of the things he thinks is necessary to defuse irrational people and begin the process of turning their behavior toward the positive. But just rehearsing the steps alone may help bolster someone's confidence and push them that much closer to trying.
Talking to Crazy is written in a highly accessible style and the heavy use of anecdotes gives the book the feel of a conversation, rather than a checklist of things to do. I fortunately don't have to deal with anyone I'd flat-out call irrational, so I'm unlikely to use the advice anytime soon. The advice is solid and presented well, though. I would have preferred more data to back up the strategies but this is a more of a nitpick. Talking to Crazy is not a data-driven book and the advice remains useful and at times thought-provoking all the same.
February 25, 2016
This book has been passed around by my coworkers here at the library, since we do often have to deal with some difficult people. I've also been having some issues with certain people in my personal life. Here there were easy ways to "lean into" the crazy when people are behaving irrationally. The author specifies that this is more about dealing with people who are upset to the point of being irrational than about real crazy, aka mental illness or personality disorders, although there is a chapter at the end talking about how to deal with those people - and it largely involves convincing the person that they need professional help.
Two things I thought were really great about this book: First, the author asks the reader to identify their own "crazy" before trying to deal with anyone else's. Second, he asks the questions, Do you need to talk to crazy? Is this a person you should be cutting out of your life? In that case, you can save yourself a lot of trouble, stress, and anxiety and avoid being sucked into that person's crazy again.
The majority of the text examines the various kinds of "crazy" and how to deal with them. The techniques are simple although slightly counter-intuitive, simply because most people deal with an irrational person by becoming even more rational, which only makes the irrational person more irrational. Hence the "lean into the crazy" techniques. They are completely do-able, although they might be difficult especially if you don't like confrontation. Despite the title, these techniques are all about bringing the other person back to rationality and establishing or re-establishing a relationship with them.
Two things I thought were really great about this book: First, the author asks the reader to identify their own "crazy" before trying to deal with anyone else's. Second, he asks the questions, Do you need to talk to crazy? Is this a person you should be cutting out of your life? In that case, you can save yourself a lot of trouble, stress, and anxiety and avoid being sucked into that person's crazy again.
The majority of the text examines the various kinds of "crazy" and how to deal with them. The techniques are simple although slightly counter-intuitive, simply because most people deal with an irrational person by becoming even more rational, which only makes the irrational person more irrational. Hence the "lean into the crazy" techniques. They are completely do-able, although they might be difficult especially if you don't like confrontation. Despite the title, these techniques are all about bringing the other person back to rationality and establishing or re-establishing a relationship with them.
May 25, 2016
Este lo conseguí en los especiales diarios de Audible, que son un éxito!! En audiobooks prefiero libros Non Fiction, que sean ligeros. La matación en audiobook no se entiende y en inglés? buej...
En fin, cuando vi el titulo "Talking to crazy" me dije: este es el libro de superación que necesito para bregar con mi alrededor. Ya en el capítulo 4, me percaté que la crazy era yo. Nada nuevo. Pero esto me lo dice un Doctor.
El Doctor te da unos tips muy reales, con ejemplos bien prácticos de como entrarle a una gente irracional, pero enfatiza que lo más importante es usted entender a su loco interior, porque si no, es muy dificil que entienda a otro.
Se los recomiendo. Me encantó.
Debí hacer el review en inglés, verdad? But my english is not very goodlooking!!:...
En fin, cuando vi el titulo "Talking to crazy" me dije: este es el libro de superación que necesito para bregar con mi alrededor. Ya en el capítulo 4, me percaté que la crazy era yo. Nada nuevo. Pero esto me lo dice un Doctor.
El Doctor te da unos tips muy reales, con ejemplos bien prácticos de como entrarle a una gente irracional, pero enfatiza que lo más importante es usted entender a su loco interior, porque si no, es muy dificil que entienda a otro.
Se los recomiendo. Me encantó.
Debí hacer el review en inglés, verdad? But my english is not very goodlooking!!:...
December 31, 2015
Fantastic book. I can't recommend it highly enough. It helps you identify your own "crazy" and gives you solid guidelines for the common crazy.
March 4, 2018
Dr Goulston offers a great advice across numerous situations and multiple "crazies". I look forward to reading other works by him.
December 10, 2021
И снова написано вполне ОК, построение текста с множеством примеров - это прям мое.
Но уже много перечитала книг на эту тематику, и где-то хотелось чуток глубже копнуть. Очень часто получалось где-то так «ну я вам описал модель попроще, но так в жизни не будет». А как будет, никто не рассказывает🤷♀️
Книга хорошая, но лично мне было маловато.
Но уже много перечитала книг на эту тематику, и где-то хотелось чуток глубже копнуть. Очень часто получалось где-то так «ну я вам описал модель попроще, но так в жизни не будет». А как будет, никто не рассказывает🤷♀️
Книга хорошая, но лично мне было маловато.
June 30, 2016
I started on this book because I was getting stressed out by the 2016 US presidential race. Watching some sane family & good friends going bat-shit conspiracy theorist crazy all over Facebook was pushing all sorts of crazy buttons in myself. So I needed a distraction & hopefully learn something new in the process.
This is NOT a book to pick up with the intent to "fix OTHER people, you know, the crazies!" just so you can make them all see what a model of logical & rational being you are. Not at all. Right in the beginning it hits home that we all have the capacity for crazy, just different kinds of crazy. Sometimes it's our own brand of crazy (ie. silently avoiding conflict) that makes people around us even crazier (ie. screaming louder to get a reaction.) That being said, it is somewhat amazing to me that the author included many actionable items that covered majority of the conflicts we have with a difficult parent, teenager, friend, spouse, partner, neighbor, room mate, sibling, employer, employee or even random people we meet on an average day. So this is a recipe book! Of how NOT to fuel the crazy and how to reach the sane part of the brain when it gets buried under layers of crazy.
There are many interesting phrases in this book, my top two are "leaning into crazy" and "emotionally constipated" (this one gives me the giggles). You'll have to find out about the context when you read the book yourself.
This is NOT a book to pick up with the intent to "fix OTHER people, you know, the crazies!" just so you can make them all see what a model of logical & rational being you are. Not at all. Right in the beginning it hits home that we all have the capacity for crazy, just different kinds of crazy. Sometimes it's our own brand of crazy (ie. silently avoiding conflict) that makes people around us even crazier (ie. screaming louder to get a reaction.) That being said, it is somewhat amazing to me that the author included many actionable items that covered majority of the conflicts we have with a difficult parent, teenager, friend, spouse, partner, neighbor, room mate, sibling, employer, employee or even random people we meet on an average day. So this is a recipe book! Of how NOT to fuel the crazy and how to reach the sane part of the brain when it gets buried under layers of crazy.
There are many interesting phrases in this book, my top two are "leaning into crazy" and "emotionally constipated" (this one gives me the giggles). You'll have to find out about the context when you read the book yourself.
November 9, 2018
не знаю, как это у него получается, но это уже вторая книга марка гоулстона, в которой я не нахожу ситуаций, близких к моей жизни, хотя казалось бы. ну то есть, разговариваешь с идиотами каждый божий день, и все равно у гоулстона какие-то свои идиоты, не такие, как у тебя. и ты такой пытаешься пристроиться со своими историями, но как-то так сразу понимаешь, что дело гиблое. очень фрустрирует.
December 24, 2019
Couldn't bring myslelf to finish this book. It has some good points, but the writing is so over simplified, over dramatic, flashy and repetitive it annoys me so much I couldn't continue. The autor uses the word 'crazy' so much that it drove me exactly that.
Have compassion for others and react consciouly in difficult conversations - this sums up the first third of the book.
Have compassion for others and react consciouly in difficult conversations - this sums up the first third of the book.
April 23, 2020
Rating: 2.5/5 It was ok
Talking to Crazy is a self-help book about how to deal with people that act crazy not necessarily that have mental health issues.
He give us tools to help us manage our emotional intelligence and to not let other people's crazy drive us crazy.
The problem I had with this book is that is too specific so if you are not in one of those scenarios he uses as a examples I don't think you can apply the tools he's giving.
For me it only applies when he addressed the workplace and dealing with crazy coworkers or bosses. I'm not experiencing this now but I have in the past.
Overall it's interesting and it gives useful tools but I think you would like it more if you are in one of those specific scenarios like having difficult children, bad relationship with your partner or adult children, dealing with a aging parent or going through divorce.
I would also recommend this to people in the mental health field like psychiatrist or psychologist.
Talking to Crazy is a self-help book about how to deal with people that act crazy not necessarily that have mental health issues.
He give us tools to help us manage our emotional intelligence and to not let other people's crazy drive us crazy.
The problem I had with this book is that is too specific so if you are not in one of those scenarios he uses as a examples I don't think you can apply the tools he's giving.
For me it only applies when he addressed the workplace and dealing with crazy coworkers or bosses. I'm not experiencing this now but I have in the past.
Overall it's interesting and it gives useful tools but I think you would like it more if you are in one of those specific scenarios like having difficult children, bad relationship with your partner or adult children, dealing with a aging parent or going through divorce.
I would also recommend this to people in the mental health field like psychiatrist or psychologist.
March 2, 2021
На рідкість чудова книга - нічого зайвого, лише приклади, корисна інформація та практичні завдання.
п.с. Назва, звісно, дещо збиває з пантелику. В книзі мова йде про спілкування зі складними людьми, які ведуть себе дещо неадекватно - чи то в певних ситуаціях, чи загалом мають труднощі з поведінкою та реакціями на різні подразники.
п.с. Назва, звісно, дещо збиває з пантелику. В книзі мова йде про спілкування зі складними людьми, які ведуть себе дещо неадекватно - чи то в певних ситуаціях, чи загалом мають труднощі з поведінкою та реакціями на різні подразники.
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January 26, 2021Very actionable tactics to deal with various types of "crazy" in ourselves and our closest personal and professional relationships! Now crazy is one loaded word and practically begs for a detailed definition which the book very helpfully articulates...
The book aims to make the world better one small conversation at a time - a lofty but very achievable goal!
The book aims to make the world better one small conversation at a time - a lofty but very achievable goal!
January 28, 2016
Talking to Crazy is an interesting book in phycology. I found it interesting because it talks about dealing with the irrational people in life. I picked it up because it sounded like a book with a unique topic, but it turned out more to be a “how to” manual than the nonfiction, informative book I was expecting. Maybe that’s actually its purpose, but reading it with no real purpose other than general interest, made it get a little boring at some point. I realized I wasn’t as engaged and the pattern within the chapters was only repeating. It had its moments, but I decided to put it down.
Mark Goulston says, “You can’t always change the people around you. But you can change the people you’re around (Goulson)”. In this quote, he is referring to the idea of manipulators. When dealing with the crazy people in life, there are ways to try and cope with them. But those ways are don’t guarantee any success for making them more rational. So if it is an option, when we can’t get through to people physically, there’s nothing that says they have to be in our environment. Then we manipulate the situation rather than letting them manipulate us.
There are a number of ways the brain can get traumatized. Sometimes it has to do with the people around you. But even if it doesn’t, the people around you still suffer from craziness the trauma brings. Speaking scientifically or not, a person’s point of view, the setting around, what is going on for their stage in life, it all determines the future of one’s sanity. Based on that sanity, incoming conflict may be sorted out in different ways. Someone who had a more tragic childhood might more tempted to get angry and breakdown later in life. And maybe those that have a more peaceful childhood come out more calmer. But human sanity is really unpredictable. We just know, anything can be a factor to change.
I would recommend this book only to those that are interested in phycology. I didn’t enjoy it to the point that I finished it because it was such a slow read. Only the beginning was engaging enough to continue. It does have its moments where it’s helpful and intriguing. But those moments don’t last. It’s definitely informative, but not in the style I was expecting.
Mark Goulston says, “You can’t always change the people around you. But you can change the people you’re around (Goulson)”. In this quote, he is referring to the idea of manipulators. When dealing with the crazy people in life, there are ways to try and cope with them. But those ways are don’t guarantee any success for making them more rational. So if it is an option, when we can’t get through to people physically, there’s nothing that says they have to be in our environment. Then we manipulate the situation rather than letting them manipulate us.
There are a number of ways the brain can get traumatized. Sometimes it has to do with the people around you. But even if it doesn’t, the people around you still suffer from craziness the trauma brings. Speaking scientifically or not, a person’s point of view, the setting around, what is going on for their stage in life, it all determines the future of one’s sanity. Based on that sanity, incoming conflict may be sorted out in different ways. Someone who had a more tragic childhood might more tempted to get angry and breakdown later in life. And maybe those that have a more peaceful childhood come out more calmer. But human sanity is really unpredictable. We just know, anything can be a factor to change.
I would recommend this book only to those that are interested in phycology. I didn’t enjoy it to the point that I finished it because it was such a slow read. Only the beginning was engaging enough to continue. It does have its moments where it’s helpful and intriguing. But those moments don’t last. It’s definitely informative, but not in the style I was expecting.
August 25, 2023
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal With the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life by Mark Goulston (Amacom 2016) (158.2) (3854).
This is the second title I’ve read from “business psychiatrist” Mark Goulston, and this strikes me as a vast improvement over my one-off taste of his earlier writing.
The author’s use of “crazy” in the title refers not to actual insanity but to the garden variety everyday twisted thinking that we humans often recognize in others (e.g., the “crazy cat lady”). This is a book of strategies and suggestions to help the reader retain her own peace of mind while dealing with people that can’t be reasoned with logically. The majority of the book is aimed at dealing with this level of malformed thinking.
However, Goulston concludes this volume with a section of tips, tricks, and ideas for dealing with those with actual mental illnesses, and that section is worth the price of the book. The main gist of this section is a warning to readers not to waste time reasoning with this kind of person but to leave therapeutic suggestions to the professionals, for the help this person needs is beyond the ken of a well-meaning but untrained amateur adviser.
A tip of the cap and an extra Goodreads star goes to the author for writing the only mental health guide that quotes the legendary singer/songwriter (and former Chicago mailman) John Prine’s song “Hello In There.”
My rating: 7/10, finished 8/25/23 (3854).
February 12, 2016
Super interesting and easy to follow instructions for dealing with the crazies in your life as well as the crazy in your self. This book is broken down by different types of irrational behavior and what to do to break through that behavior. You can't help but see the people you know in the different chapters. Occasionally you may see yourself. This is one of those rare books that I feel the need to have on hand. I'm pretty sure I'll be referring to this book frequently.
February 23, 2016
I still haven't decided if I think this book is helpful or not. The different advice seems pretty straight forward and actually seems like it would actually help when dealing with these kinds of crazy. My problem is I didn't really feel, in the end, that I actually have anyone in my life that falls into any of these categories.
August 15, 2018
I highly recommend this book for people who need reminders about how to engage with irrational loved ones. The advice can also be valuable for talking to manipulative co-workers. Goulston repeats that it is insufficient for people with personality disorders or serious mental illness, though, which is a drawback when you can't diagnose whether someone has a disorder or is simply irrational.
October 6, 2015
I'll admit that the title bothered me at first. But Goulston explains that he is not referring to those with a mental illness; he is offering practical insights into dealing with a variety of difficult people." Useful insights" summarize the material at the end of each chapter.
February 27, 2016
Great book! It explains different ways people irrationally react to situations and why, which is very interesting. Most importantly, it provides specific, detailed steps for dealing with different types of crazy. Incredibly helpful and useful!
September 11, 2018
This book helps me to understand some of my deep problems and now I can work on them specifically. Also, I learn more about the way to communicate with different people, who struggle with mental diseases.
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