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Out of the Blue #1

Things My Husband Says

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DO NOT READ THIS BOOK IF THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE OFFENDS YOU,

“I'm full of "baby gravy". You need to do something about that.”

THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS is an unfiltered collection of conversations between myself and my husband of over twenty-five years. If you have lost your ability to laugh at inappropriate bedroom banter between two married and consenting adults then IMMEDIATELY STOP READING! This book is not for you. We are from completely different tribes and you will hate everything about this book. I prefer to avoid receiving bad reviews when possible...So help me, help you, help me by you not reading this book full of ridiculous references about fornication.

Emma Chase, NY Times Bestselling Author says,"THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS is a collection of laugh out loud, holds nothing back, unabashedly honest, gigglingly relatable episodes that are bursting with real-life and real love on every single page. A great read for old married people, newlyweds, singles, and everyone in between."

Joe “Not in My Town” Martin says, “He’s a true inspiration to mankind and they should erect statues of him for us to salute.”

Bryan, The Husband said, “You better not be using my real name in this.”

329 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 6, 2017

55 people are currently reading
218 people want to read

About the author

Barbara Blue

2 books71 followers

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5 stars
108 (54%)
4 stars
45 (22%)
3 stars
25 (12%)
2 stars
8 (4%)
1 star
11 (5%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 77 reviews
Profile Image for Barbara.
Author 2 books71 followers
February 7, 2017

THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS had no plot, no substance, no character developments to speak of. It's just full of conversations between a husband and wife who seem to like each other a lot. I don't even know how this ended up being a book? It's just full of mindless humor that could have been kept to themselves and not shared with anyone else. I mean, who wants to laugh at stuff like this anyways? Baby gravy? Penis-colada? Exactly how many ailments does his semen apparently cure anyways?

I mean yeah, I laughed a lot when my husband said those things and then other people laughed a lot when I shared those very things that he said but who wants to laugh at sexual innuendos being made by middle aged married people?
At our age we shouldn't be having sex anymore (at least with each other from what I hear) and really should not be laughing at each other all the time.

And for real though, my husband should not want to have sex with me 24/7, especially after having sex with me for the last thirty years and watching his four big-headed sons rip through my vagina, so what's up with that?
This can't be normal.

I was really hoping that THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS would have some sort of literary merit to it, some sort of great marital insight, some sort of new age mumbo-jumbo to enlighten me somehow but alas, no, it has none of those things.

We all know that laughing creates wrinkles and I just want to sit here looking pissed off all the time with no wrinkles and write nasty reviews for no other reasons but to make an author cry and to make myself feel better about my existence.
Is that too much to ask?

I know I wrote a warning on the book cover and I read that warning but because I knew after reading that very same warning that I would hate this book so I went ahead and read it anyway just so I could share my utter hatred and misery that is my life in the form of a book review.

I hope I never write another book again after reading THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS and may God have mercy on the author's and my soul.

**I am the hypothetical creator of THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS, and I'm giving it its very first 1 STAR just so I can be the first one to do it on Goodreads. I'm ripping off the band-aid and getting it over with because I've been told just how cruel some reviewers can be here so I'm taking control of my first 1 STAR review and doing it my way.
Profile Image for Barbara.
Author 2 books71 followers
January 31, 2017
THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS had no plot, no substance, no character developments to speak of. It's just full of conversations between a husband and wife who seem to like each other a lot. I don't even know how this ended up being a book? It's just full of mindless humor that could have been kept to themselves and not shared with anyone else. I mean, who wants to laugh at stuff like this anyways? Baby gravy? Penis-colada? Exactly how many ailments does his semen apparently cure anyways?

I mean yeah, I laughed a lot when my husband said those things and then other people laughed a lot when I shared those very things that he said but who wants to laugh at sexual innuendos being made by middle aged married people?
At our age we shouldn't be having sex anymore (at least with each other from what I hear) and really should not be laughing at each other all the time.

And for real though, my husband should not want to have sex with me 24/7, especially after having sex with me for the last thirty years and watching his four big-headed sons rip through my vagina, so what's up with that?
This can't be normal.

I was really hoping that THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS would have some sort of literary merit to it, some sort of great marital insight, some sort of new age mumbo-jumbo to enlighten me somehow but alas, no, it has none of those things.

We all know that laughing creates wrinkles and I just want to sit here looking pissed off all the time with no wrinkles and write nasty reviews for no other reasons but to make an author cry and to make myself feel better about my existence.
Is that too much to ask?

I know I wrote a warning on the book cover and I read that warning but because I knew after reading that very same warning that I would hate this book so I went ahead and read it anyway just so I could share my utter hatred and misery that is my life in the form of a book review.

I hope I never write another book again after reading THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS and may God have mercy on the author's and my soul.

**I am the hypothetical creator of THINGS MY HUSBAND SAYS, and I'm giving it its very first 1 STAR just so I can be the first one to do it on Goodreads. I'm ripping off the band-aid and getting it over with because I've been told just how cruel some reviewers can be here so I'm taking control of my first 1 STAR review and doing it my way.

**I have given myself a 1 Star rating and now I've given myself a 5 Star rating so that they can both cancel each other out because I wrote a freaking book y'all!!! I conquered my fears of publishing and am quite proud of that.
Profile Image for Sharilyn Dickerson.
401 reviews22 followers
February 6, 2017
I laughed so hard my stomach hurts!!

I have been looking forward to reading this book since I heard the author was writing it!

I was sitting here reading it this afternoon when my hubby came in from work. Unfortunately, I didn't stop reading while he was trying to tell me about his day. I read Episode #18 and busted out laughing. Apparently, whatever it was he was trying to tell me didn't warrant any laughter.... none... at all.
Him: "What the hell was so funny about what I just told you?!?"
Me: "I'm so sorry. I honestly wasn't listening."
Him: "No sh*t."
Me: "I just read Episode 18 in Blue's new book and I couldn't help but laugh."
Him: "Wait. Is that the book you've been telling me about where she tells conversations between her and her husband?"
Me: *grinning because he does actually listen to me sometimes haha* "Yep. That's the one!"
Him: "I know you're going to read it to me."

So, yeah, I ended up starting over and reading the whole book out loud to him. We laughed so hard at some of the episodes that we had tears running down our face. There were even a few times that he told me I had to stop for a minute so he could catch his breath.
At one point, we were convinced that the author had cameras set up in our house and cars and just recorded our conversations. It seemed like every other episode my hubby would catch his breath from laughing and say "I like this dude" or "Can you bookmark that one so I can use it on you later?"
We both thoroughly enjoyed reading each episode and the bonus short story at the end was freaking hilarious!
Profile Image for Kris.
206 reviews2 followers
January 26, 2017
I mean, I died laughing. I woke a sleeping Millie up with my snorts. I'm not a normal 'laugh out loud' person, so that says something. That's all that needs to be said.
Profile Image for Anas Attic  Book Blog.
1,597 reviews698 followers
February 22, 2017

Things My Husband Says by Barbara Blue
Standalone comedy of true anecdotes
I have been following Barbara Blue on Facebook and always laugh at her posts. When I saw she was putting them all together in a book, I was so excited! Things my Husband Says by Barbara Blue is not fiction. It’s not romance. (Not really). It’s just a bunch of funny little short conversations between her husband and her.

One thing I really love is that Barbara has been married 25 years. She is a mom with older kids, she has blue hair. AND SHE STILL HAS SEX A LOT. So much that she has to have a 48 hour rule! (Which totally inspired me, thanks). I’ve been married 26 years, also have a 19 year old and have purple hair, and I STILL HAVE SEX A LOT. So she is kind of a soulmate.

My husband and I find a way to turn anything, literally ANYTHING dirty. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense, like yesterday, the garage door spring broke, and I got a “let me show you how well my spring works”. Or today he ran out to the store and I asked for a pound of meat for taco Tuesday and I got “I’ll pound you with my meat”. So Things My Husband Says by Barbara Blue is basically a funny version of what I live with every day, with lots of funny snark thrown in.
Him: Just give me 5 minutes. I'll be quick.
Me: Do I look new to you? 

I read this on a plane flight so it was really quick. They are short conversations, often just a line or two, followed by a funny custom emoji. I laughed a lot, and you know how you always laugh harder at the comedian who is basically talking about your life? The fact that we have such similar husbands made it even funnier to me. It’s basically her husband making everything about how he can get laid. #soundsfamiliar
Him: You know, semen has the same medicinal qualities as Pamprin and Midol. It's on their label as a key ingredient. Google it. I mean gargle it. Now look what you did. You woke up the beast. 

Likes:

•The formatting, headers and emoji.
•Easy to read parts in between other books, or just while you pee.
•I laughed out loud a number of times.
•Totally relatable.
•I love how it demonstrates that a couple in their 40s, together forever, still want each other.
•She mentioned Wicked Book Weekend!
•There is no doubt about how much her and her husband love each other.
•The warnings and acknowledgements at the beginning were epic.

Dislikes:

•It got a little repetitive, especially when the punchline is “that’s going on Facebook” many times.
•I wish there were some longer anecdotes thrown in both to help us get to know the couple a little more, and because I am sure she has some longer funny stories. I think it would have broken it up and been more personal and less repetitive.
•She is sick in like 60% of the stories (more of a dislike for her sake rather than of the book).

The Down & Dirty:
This was a cute and funny visit into a real-life long-term marriage. It’s raunchy and gross at times (jellyfish? lol!) but that just makes it funnier. I think a lot of it shows why this marriage works so well, they have a ton of sex and a lot of laughs—the top two things you need for longevity in my eyes. Sometimes if the little story didn’t make me laugh, the emoji at the end would. It did get a little repetitive, and I wouldn’t have minded some longer scenes to break up the quick read, but all in all, a great little fast, funny read. I could see it being a coffee table book for adults that people can just thumb through and read a quick scene. I think I would have enjoyed it even more if I didn't read it all at once and took my time, reading a few scenes between books or when I pee :) but I just couldn't stop!

Rating: 4 Stars No actual sex, but it’s all about sex.

Purchase Things My Husband Says by Barbara Blue

Amazon | BN.com | iBooks


Profile Image for Stephanie S.
679 reviews2 followers
February 7, 2017
OMG this is not your typical book just conversations a husband and wife have or may have together. Funny thing is I can relate to many of the episodes, but I have to say I laughed hard while reading the gem was the last short story. It was one of those moments I laughed so hard I was crying at the misery of another person. This would be something I would have done with my BFF but also comforted her in the end.
The use of words to describe the people that she interacted with was also hilarious. Barbara this is a gem and I read some to my husband who laughed along with me. You knocked it out of the park. It was a nice break from the serious books I have been reading lately. I am not great with reviews but I enjoyed this one immensely and anyone who knows or follows you will be in for a treat once they get their hands on this.
Profile Image for Amy .
3,128 reviews
February 7, 2017
"STAY OUT OF OUR ROOM, BOY, OR YOU DESERVE WHATEVER HORRORS YOU SEE OR HEAR FROM US!!!!"

Things My Husband Says is the laugh out loud debut compilation from Barbara Blue. This collection of moments between a husband and wife will have you laughing until your sides hurt, shaking your head and even cringing at times. I loved the ease and comfort of the relationship that Blue and her husband have. You could just tell that these two get each other.

I couldn't put this book down and was dying to know what would come out of their mouths next.

Great Job, Barbara Blue! I can't wait to see what your husband has to say next!

*I was provided an ARC copy of this book, in exchange for an honest review*
Profile Image for Taylor.
60 reviews17 followers
February 5, 2017
I'm not very big on words when it comes to reviews, but I have to say, Things My Husband Says makes me wish I was! This book was a great, fun, read that kept me laughing from start to finish and I couldn't put it down! I have to agree with author Emma Chase and her cover quote...EVERYONE should read this book! Great job Barbara Blue!!! 5 Blue-tiful Stars!!!
Profile Image for L.
34 reviews4 followers
February 6, 2017
Let me just start this by saying this book is for anyone who's ever been in a relationship with a man. But not only that, it is hilarious! Having been in a relationship with my husband since we were teenagers, this books speaks to a part of my soul. Mainly because my husband says these things to me. I married my best friend. we laugh and talk like best friends. I am lucky!

Set in a format of short conversations "Things My Husband Says" gives the reader a glimpse into what is is like to marry your hilarious best friend and have a lifelong relationship with them. Does it have "dirty humor" YES! and I LOOOOOVE it. Is it perfectly edited with perfect grammar and sentence structure? no, but that is ok! It is written the way people talk and that is ok!

So, if you are reading this thinking, should I buy this? YES! only if you like to laugh. Only if you find it hilarious when husbands or boyfriends make dick jokes. only if you find the humor in sex and sexual acts with your significant other.

I give this book 4 fabulous stars! I love this book, the humor, the formatting, even the dang emojis <3
Profile Image for Kristen Miller.
2 reviews
January 27, 2017
You just can't make this stuff up...It was freaking hilarious! All the while you are laughing out loud reading this amazingly funny book, you can't help but think..."What a GREAT relationship these two human beings have!" It is an all around, funny, quick pick you up kind of book. I loved it!
Profile Image for Joy.
54 reviews5 followers
February 6, 2017
ARC received in exchange for an honest review.

I read mostly fiction. Blue doesn’t write fiction.

This book is exactly what she says it is. It’s a book of conversations she had with her husband. Mostly about BJs and pounding. And it was hard for me to get into the conversations.

But her stories, not for the faint of heart, are the bomb. They’re about life and sex, and they are real. One had me crying I was laughing so hard. And Blue is real, and honest. Probably too honest. There is some of every woman in her, so I think people will relate to her. And I hope she writes more stories, because you feel like you are right there with her.

So it doesn’t matter if it’s fiction, or nonfiction, or fantasy, or a BJ.

A good story is a good story. And Blue tells funny stories.
Profile Image for Alicia Meza.
81 reviews8 followers
February 6, 2017
For those that don't think this book will deserve 5 stars, stop reading my review.

This isn't a novel, it isn't a HEA book. Its a collection of things that the author and her husband have said to each other (hypothetically of course - but whatever) and it's HILARIOUS! I am judging it for what it is, not what it isn't. I have followed her blog posts for some time so I am quite familiar with her brand of humor and nothing she says is meant to offend but if you are offended easily don't read this book. If you want to laugh out loud, then by all means read this book because that is what you will be doing. I also want to say congratulations, you did well Blue!
1 review1 follower
February 5, 2017
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a book in my life. Barbara and Bryan are what I hope my hubby and I can be like in 15 years. Episode 19 was probably my favorite. I had to share some with my hubby who never reads books, and he thought it was hilarious too. I definitely recommend this book to anyone who isn't to prudish for this type of humor. Can't wait to read more episodes in the next book!!
Profile Image for Monica.
158 reviews1 follower
February 5, 2017
This book brought so much joy to my little life. I read the book at work, at a red light, while going to the bathroom and heck; I read it over having relations with my husband.
Barbara has given us snippets of her marriage to Brian; I think they have been married for a million years, right Barbara?
Anyways this book had me grinning from ear to ear and my cheeks hurt while I reading it because you can’t make this stuff up. Also this book contained quite a bit of learning material for me. For starters, I will now associate “martial relations” with, jellyfish, fevers, and gravy.

Some of my favorite episodes are #8, 16, 30, 38, 58, 97, 101, 127 and 129.

Oh and just so you all know, Barbara is my new BFF, not yours…mine. Don’t listen to her when she says otherwise.
Profile Image for Amy Hasten.
305 reviews38 followers
September 3, 2017
This was a very funny book. If you are looking for a quick read this would be what you are looking for.
This book is really only about 100 pages of material. Most of it is the acknowledgment and a couple of introductions to family members.
Profile Image for Miranda Whore.
937 reviews86 followers
February 6, 2017
Things My Husband Says should come with a case of Depend underwear and a box of blue hair dye. Before the end of the book you'll be peeing your pants from laughing and wishing you could be as cool as Blue. Every page is full of laugh-out-loud hilarity. Things My Husband Says should be subtitled Marriage Goals.

If you like your comedy a little raunchy, a lot offensive, and panty wetting--no not THAT kind, I'm talking pee-your-panty-wetting-- then you HAVE to read this book. Barbara Blue is going to be a force to be reckoned with... this is the first of many good things to come from this author.

Five Plus Stars and Five Wet Depends!!
Profile Image for Melissa.
311 reviews10 followers
February 22, 2017
This book really is laugh out loud funny.

I enjoyed the banter between Blue and her hubs. It's exactly the kind of lighthearted and hilarious read that we all need in our lives.

One click it today!
Profile Image for Jennifer Juers.
419 reviews
February 14, 2017
I've followed Barbara for awhile on Facebook and have had many LOL moments reading her posts so when I found out she was writing a book about it I definitely wanted to read it.

As I read, I was often thinking "I remember that post!" or "That was a good one, Brian!" and "I have to show my husband that one!".

The BEST part was the BONUS SHORT STORY Blaming EL James. OMFG that shit was fucking hilarious!!!!
Profile Image for Jennifer.
Author 1 book13 followers
February 13, 2017
Laughed so hard

Holy Hannah talk about laughing so hard! Then thinking OH MY THIS RIGHT HERE IS MY HUBBY AND I 100% I seriously thought I was reading my banter between my husband and I! Great fun laugh hard read!
Profile Image for Dawn.
517 reviews
February 5, 2017
If for one second you take offense to Things My Husband Says, I'm going to need for you to go right now to the local hospital and have the stick removed from your behind!
This is the hysterical conversations between a loving married couple. Blue and Brian have something so special,so special that you may not understand. But it is their special and I works so well. I laughed until I had tears running down my face. To see a couple who had been together since the dinosaurs roamed the Earth loving each other madly, well it is a very beautiful thing.
What I took from this compilation of snippets from their marriage is. Love hard, laugh harder and always take it to " pound town!"
I enjoyed this so much and I know for a fact that I will be referencing Things, daily from now on.
358 reviews1 follower
February 9, 2017
Hilarious, laugh out loud. Don't be offended

For those that don't think this book will deserve 5 stars, stop reading my review.

This isn't a novel, it isn't a HEA book. Its a collection of things that the author and her husband have said to each other (hypothetically of course - but whatever) and it's HILARIOUS! I am judging it for what it is, not what it isn't. I have followed her blog posts for some time so I am quite familiar with her brand of humor and nothing she says is meant to offend but if you are offended easily don't read this book. If you want to laugh out loud, then by all means read this book because that is what you will be doing. I also want to say congratulations, you did well Blue!
104 reviews2 followers
February 6, 2017
I Haven't stopped laughing yet !

This speaks to my soul in a way not many books do . They say laughter is the best medicine and I laughed my booty off throughout the whole read. I won't call this a collection of anything specific as its not mine to label , I will say it's utterly delightful. The crazy day to day banter and real life situations had me smiling like a loon. Not to mention the chemistry between this real or not real couple , they are incredible and so witty ! I loved every minute of "TMHS" !!!

Five Zillion Million Stars!
Profile Image for Heather.
21 reviews20 followers
February 8, 2017
Laugh out loud not for kids eyes best book ever

When a book starts out with a disclaimer for her parents and kids not to read, you have to read on to see why!! This is the funniest thing I have read in a while! I absolutely love the banter back and forth between Barbara Blue and her husband. If you want to read something funny, then this is the book. Can't wait for her to write more books. I have added her to my list of favorite authors.
Profile Image for Sue Paulsen.
299 reviews3 followers
February 6, 2017
OMG… Things My Husband Says was absolutely hilarious! Like laugh out loud until your sides hurt and you have tears in your eyes and that makes you laugh harder…hilarious!! The relationship that Barbara and Bryan share is like no other! I have been impatiently waiting for Barbara Blue to write this book. She definitely did not disappoint!

I know that this book is the just beginning for Barbara Blue! I can't wait to see where she takes us next with her work!
Profile Image for Kelly Anders.
313 reviews5 followers
February 7, 2017
In a world of uptight, stuffy people - Blue gives us a breathe of fresh air - filled with LAUGHTER!

Ease up, people. Live a little! Laugh! Love! Get your freak on!

I laughed through most of this book. My husband and I have our own little humor and many times, I could picture the same scenario in our home.

I'm tickled to death that this author's first book is going to be a HIT! How scary it must have been to just lay it all out there? But I love it.
18 reviews
February 7, 2017
So funny

I have not laughed so hard for so long in all my life. It was a quick read but hilarious.. I was at work and got a few funny looks but so worth it. If you need a good laugh i totally recommend reading this.
Profile Image for Kathleen Haran.
101 reviews10 followers
March 30, 2017
Totally hilarious!!!

Loved this so much !! Had me peeing my pants ! Can't wait for more of Barbara Blues words she is amazing !!!
Profile Image for Kelly.
65 reviews
February 9, 2017
5 stars! Because being the exact same age (maybe a month or two or five older) it's heart warming, and apparently panty warming, to wake up everyday next to the guy who actually loves you after soooooo many years and STILL finds you incredibly attractive. Fine lines and all. If it hasn't happened yet, he may discover he has a "cure" for fine lines and wrinkles. In this case, close your eyes.
Profile Image for Marissa Adkins.
42 reviews7 followers
February 14, 2017
Blue's debut!!!

This!! If you need a pick me up and a good laugh this is definitely something you should read! Unless you're uptight and can't take a joke lol Blue is my idol!! #dreamsandhugs
Profile Image for K.D. Robichaux.
Author 40 books2,081 followers
January 29, 2017
I opened up my ARC, only to read a couple of the episodes while ate dinner. An hour later, I look up, my gut hurting from laughing so hard, and realized my kids were already gone from the table and my food was cold.
Freaking. Hilarious!!!
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