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Collateral Damage: Guiding and Protecting Your Child Through the Minefield of Divorce
Based on research from more than 10,000 surveys from children and parents of divorce, Collateral Damage presents parents with an overview of the negative impact that divorce has on their children and offers ways to better serve their needs at this critical time.
Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need?
While Collateral Damage does not advocate divorce, it does sound a wakeup call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered
Building the family—not losing itTuning into your kidsStabilizing childhoodMaintaining parent/child rolesAvoiding the parenting handoffKeeping kids out of the war zoneInstilling trustKeeping open lines of communicationAttuning to guiding, spiritual resources The unfortunate failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult.
Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need?
While Collateral Damage does not advocate divorce, it does sound a wakeup call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered
Building the family—not losing itTuning into your kidsStabilizing childhoodMaintaining parent/child rolesAvoiding the parenting handoffKeeping kids out of the war zoneInstilling trustKeeping open lines of communicationAttuning to guiding, spiritual resources The unfortunate failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult.
- GenresParenting
233 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 17, 2017
38 people are currently reading
26 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
April 13, 2017
About the Book:
Based on research from more than 10,000 surveys from children and parents of divorce, Collateral Damage presents parents with an overview of the impact that divorce has on their children and offers ways to better serve their needs at this critical time.
Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need?
Collateral Damage sounds a wakeup call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered include:
Building the family—not losing it
Tuning into your kids
Stabilizing childhood
Maintaining parent/child roles
Avoiding the parenting handoff
Keeping kids out of the war zone
Instilling trust
Keeping open lines of communication
Attuning to guiding, spiritual resources
The failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult.
My Review:
I have seen first hand the damage that divorce can cause. I have also seen where its generational. I have seen many generational curses that carry on in a family and destroy so many lives. It is time we stand up and put an end to it. For the sake of our children, grand children and great grand children and beyond. But for those families that see divorce as the only way out they need to guide their children through the emotional damage that it has caused them so that this is not repeated in their lives as they grow up and have families of their own.
Collateral Damage:Guiding and Protecting Your Child Through the Minefield of Divorce is a really good guide for those families that don't want divorce to damage their children and the relationships that they will have down the road. The parents having a good relationship beyond the divorce is detrimental to the children's well-being. The author takes the many questions that the parents have and he shows you the best ways to get around the tough stuff with ease for the sake of your children.
An excellent way to ease the pain of divorce for your family!
**Disclosure** This book was sent to me free of charge for my honest review from the author. All opinions are my own.
Based on research from more than 10,000 surveys from children and parents of divorce, Collateral Damage presents parents with an overview of the impact that divorce has on their children and offers ways to better serve their needs at this critical time.
Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need?
Collateral Damage sounds a wakeup call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered include:
Building the family—not losing it
Tuning into your kids
Stabilizing childhood
Maintaining parent/child roles
Avoiding the parenting handoff
Keeping kids out of the war zone
Instilling trust
Keeping open lines of communication
Attuning to guiding, spiritual resources
The failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult.
My Review:
I have seen first hand the damage that divorce can cause. I have also seen where its generational. I have seen many generational curses that carry on in a family and destroy so many lives. It is time we stand up and put an end to it. For the sake of our children, grand children and great grand children and beyond. But for those families that see divorce as the only way out they need to guide their children through the emotional damage that it has caused them so that this is not repeated in their lives as they grow up and have families of their own.
Collateral Damage:Guiding and Protecting Your Child Through the Minefield of Divorce is a really good guide for those families that don't want divorce to damage their children and the relationships that they will have down the road. The parents having a good relationship beyond the divorce is detrimental to the children's well-being. The author takes the many questions that the parents have and he shows you the best ways to get around the tough stuff with ease for the sake of your children.
An excellent way to ease the pain of divorce for your family!
**Disclosure** This book was sent to me free of charge for my honest review from the author. All opinions are my own.
July 18, 2021
Good guidance and advice on one hand, and brutal facts and statistics on the other. If you want to read a good deterrent against divorce, look no further. If you're already into the process, then this book serves as a good reminder to still bring your A-game for your kids.
December 21, 2021
Good book about divorce. I read it to better understand 2 little ones that are special to me and to communicate with them better. The better you love, communicate, and have a stable family environment, The kids have the best chance to adjust to divorce. I didnt give it a 5 because of the wackadoodle religious talk in the back of the book related to god being the one to provide love and support and not the parents after stating the whole book that the parents need to show love and support.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 9, 2017
Dr. John T. Chirban delivers on his promise to help you guide your children through divorce. Part 1 is dedicated to the children and part 2 is written for the parents. Throughout each chapter, the author focuses on one parental oversight and provides recommendations to over come or prevent that particular oversight. There are also plenty of true examples of various divorce situations from both the child’s perspective and the parent’s. The children’s stories are enlightening for any parent to read and better understand how to improve the situation for their own child. Also, the author even gives detailed descriptions of child development at various ages. Beginning as infants on until adulthood, we can help fulfill those requirements for healthy development in our children, in spite of being a divided family.
Although the book starts out on a negative note, pointing out everything that typically goes wrong during divorce, the views are based on the Psychologist’s case studies and statistics from 10,000 people surveyed. The good news is, divorce doesn’t have to be so damaging to our children and ultimately, it is up to us as the parents to prevent these damages as much as possible and Dr. C shows us how. He draws up a list of common mistakes parents make and aptly calls it The ‘Dirty Dozen’. This is a handy list any parent can reference quickly for a reminder of what NOT to do. The author shares some of his own divorce experiences adding a personal touch.
Overall, this book is a solid and helpful read for any parent navigating divorce, with their child(ren).
That said, if you are looking for help with Parental Alienation Syndrome, you won't find it here.
Read my full review at http://www.lisathomsonlive.com/book-r...
Although the book starts out on a negative note, pointing out everything that typically goes wrong during divorce, the views are based on the Psychologist’s case studies and statistics from 10,000 people surveyed. The good news is, divorce doesn’t have to be so damaging to our children and ultimately, it is up to us as the parents to prevent these damages as much as possible and Dr. C shows us how. He draws up a list of common mistakes parents make and aptly calls it The ‘Dirty Dozen’. This is a handy list any parent can reference quickly for a reminder of what NOT to do. The author shares some of his own divorce experiences adding a personal touch.
Overall, this book is a solid and helpful read for any parent navigating divorce, with their child(ren).
That said, if you are looking for help with Parental Alienation Syndrome, you won't find it here.
Read my full review at http://www.lisathomsonlive.com/book-r...
May 21, 2017
I did not participate in Dr. Chirban's divorce survey promoted through the Dr. Phil show, but in reading this book I found the findings of that survey (which are discussed at least generally in the book's appendix) closely mirrored my own experiences. As the child of parents who engaged in a particularly disastrous divorce, a lot of this book painfully rang true for me. As someone who has been the friend to many people who have either been in divorces themselves or who come from homes as broken as my own, reading this book was a somewhat painful and unpleasant experience for me, and likely will be for others as well. That said, this is a very worthwhile book, and sometimes there are painful and unpleasant experiences that one goes through in order to gain insight into the truths of one's existence [1], and that was certainly the case for me here. The goal of this book is to encourage parents to actually think and act in the best interests of their children during divorce, whether they have sought the divorce themselves or whether it has been forced on them despite their desire to preserve their marriage. Most parents don't actually think very much about their children when getting divorces--I know mine didn't do a very good job at it--and this book makes it clear that there are consequences for this failure. Divorce itself is an admission of failure of the most painful kind; the least one can do is try to fail as well as one can.
In about 200 pages, the author, himself a divorced parent of three children whom he praises often in these pages, discusses some unpleasant but important truths when it comes to divorce and children. The book begins with introductory material that includes a foreword from Dr. Phil. The first part of the book consists on four chapters that discuss protecting children through being attuned to them, managing one's own emotions, sustaining your parental role, and providing stability through nurturing. The second part of the book shows the author counseling parents on how to navigate through divorce, instructing them on how to regain control and reclaim themselves, how to realign relationships, how to redefine parenting, how to retain parenthood in a blended family, and how to preserve loving relationships. A closing chapter discusses the importance of having a healthy spiritual life as well as notes about the divorce study. I would have liked to have participated in it, but my results would have been pretty much in line with other children of divorce.
It is worthwhile to take a look at some of those grim statistics, so that we are aware of what we are dealing with when we examine a problem like divorce. There is a wide disconnect between the way parents and children look at divorces. Divorced parents, by and large, feel that they were equipped to deal with children's needs during divorce (55% yes to 45% no), but admitted that the children themselves did not have a voice in the decision to divorce (88% no to 12% yes), and even felt that they adequately discussed children's feelings during divorce by a narrow margin (51% yes to 49% no). Children, not surprisingly, were far less complementary to the sensitivity of their parents, claiming often to have been caught in the middle of the parents' divorce (57% yes to 43% no), that parents did a particularly poor job of managing the impact of divorce for them (72% no to 28% yes), and that parents were not particularly helpful (with 57% parent claiming that parents did "nothing much" to help children). These results are pretty scathing and match with my own observation and my own experiences. This will likely not be a pleasant book for anyone to read, but it tells a story that needs to be told and encourages those people responsible for breaking up their families and homes to act the best towards their children. If people thought of others and considered others a little more, many of the mistakes made in marriages would likely be far easier to avoid and overcome.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
In about 200 pages, the author, himself a divorced parent of three children whom he praises often in these pages, discusses some unpleasant but important truths when it comes to divorce and children. The book begins with introductory material that includes a foreword from Dr. Phil. The first part of the book consists on four chapters that discuss protecting children through being attuned to them, managing one's own emotions, sustaining your parental role, and providing stability through nurturing. The second part of the book shows the author counseling parents on how to navigate through divorce, instructing them on how to regain control and reclaim themselves, how to realign relationships, how to redefine parenting, how to retain parenthood in a blended family, and how to preserve loving relationships. A closing chapter discusses the importance of having a healthy spiritual life as well as notes about the divorce study. I would have liked to have participated in it, but my results would have been pretty much in line with other children of divorce.
It is worthwhile to take a look at some of those grim statistics, so that we are aware of what we are dealing with when we examine a problem like divorce. There is a wide disconnect between the way parents and children look at divorces. Divorced parents, by and large, feel that they were equipped to deal with children's needs during divorce (55% yes to 45% no), but admitted that the children themselves did not have a voice in the decision to divorce (88% no to 12% yes), and even felt that they adequately discussed children's feelings during divorce by a narrow margin (51% yes to 49% no). Children, not surprisingly, were far less complementary to the sensitivity of their parents, claiming often to have been caught in the middle of the parents' divorce (57% yes to 43% no), that parents did a particularly poor job of managing the impact of divorce for them (72% no to 28% yes), and that parents were not particularly helpful (with 57% parent claiming that parents did "nothing much" to help children). These results are pretty scathing and match with my own observation and my own experiences. This will likely not be a pleasant book for anyone to read, but it tells a story that needs to be told and encourages those people responsible for breaking up their families and homes to act the best towards their children. If people thought of others and considered others a little more, many of the mistakes made in marriages would likely be far easier to avoid and overcome.
[1] See, for example:
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2015...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2017...
https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...
July 12, 2017
Approximately fifty percent of marriages in the United State fail. Add to that the increasing number of couples who never marry, have children together, and later go their separate ways. In all of these scenarios, children suffer greatly—often in silence, as parents do not know how to effectively guide their kids. When the sorrow and emotional issues of children are not addressed, the cycle of divorce is likely to continue for them and in generations that follow. In addition, while children may appear to be resilient and adjusting, without proper support children of divorce are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, mental and physical illness, and suicide. How can parents manage their own hurt, shock, anger, and despair so that they can provide their children with what they need? While Collateral Damage does not advocate divorce, it does sound a wakeup call for parents. It identifies the landmines inherent in the dangerous terrain of divorce and equips them to help their children not to feel abandoned or unheard. Topics covered include:
Building the family—not losing it
Tuning into your kids
Stabilizing childhood
Maintaining parent/child roles
Avoiding the parenting handoff
Keeping kids out of the war zone
Instilling trust
Keeping open lines of communication
Attuning to guiding, spiritual resources
The unfortunate failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult.
As the adult child of a pretty ugly divorce, I probably had a different perspective on this book. Children are definitely the collateral damage of something they didn't ask to be a part of, and it's life changing. Without good support and a strong heart, it can turn into a multi-generational affair. There were parts of the book that made me really angry and sad, as I relived scenarios, but just like the authors, it all comes out in the wash in the end. I think this is something that all parents who are having struggles, and even considering a divorce at all, should be required to read.
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Building the family—not losing it
Tuning into your kids
Stabilizing childhood
Maintaining parent/child roles
Avoiding the parenting handoff
Keeping kids out of the war zone
Instilling trust
Keeping open lines of communication
Attuning to guiding, spiritual resources
The unfortunate failure of a marriage does not mean the end of the family. Providing a stable, supportive, healthy relationship with your child demonstrates what a loving relationship looks like, better preparing them for intimate relationships and marriage as an adult.
As the adult child of a pretty ugly divorce, I probably had a different perspective on this book. Children are definitely the collateral damage of something they didn't ask to be a part of, and it's life changing. Without good support and a strong heart, it can turn into a multi-generational affair. There were parts of the book that made me really angry and sad, as I relived scenarios, but just like the authors, it all comes out in the wash in the end. I think this is something that all parents who are having struggles, and even considering a divorce at all, should be required to read.
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
June 17, 2020
Reading this book over the last few months opened my eyes to the different things kid of divorce have to experience. Understanding better the variety of hurt children may go through allowed me to really open my heart and eyes to my children’s pains and potential concerns. I’ve opened more lines of communication with my children and feel better prepared to have more conversations with my spouse and children.
May 13, 2017
I recevied a complimentary copy.
The book covers some really hard topics that most families can have trouble expressing with their kids. It offers guidance and strength within its pages and the author spares no truth when hitting topics. I would recommend anyone going through this tough time to read and relax with this book knowing that you can be more informed.
The book covers some really hard topics that most families can have trouble expressing with their kids. It offers guidance and strength within its pages and the author spares no truth when hitting topics. I would recommend anyone going through this tough time to read and relax with this book knowing that you can be more informed.
July 17, 2017
The title says it all! This book did exactly what I was hoping for and more--created a bridge for me to reach my kids in an effective manner, while keeping them safe from the earthquake that ruptured in our home.
March 30, 2025
Essential reading for anyone who is either going through or has family members/friends who are in the midst of divorce. The main theme of this book, which I wholeheartedly agree with, is that the children's mental and physical health should be a top priority. Definitely worth reading.
July 17, 2017
Dr. Chirban's step by step approach in communication was great when initially discussing and opening up the subject of divorce to my three young kids.
February 10, 2017
This is the 4th book I've picked up on the subject, so far this has been the best. With the other books I felt like there was too much opinion. Dr. Chirban was concise and evidence-based.. and followed up with real stories, which was really helpful to see the consequences and an example of how I can implement his suggestions.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews