Hiding in the Bathroom: How to Get Out There When You'd Rather Stay Home

by Morra Aarons-Mele

From the marketing guru and host of the popular podcast Hiding in the Bathroom, a breakthrough introverts' guide that broadens the conversation sparked by Quiet and moves away from the "Lean In" approach, offering wisdom and practical tips to help readers build strong relationships and achieve their own definition of professional success.

Most ambitious people believe that reaching the peaks of success means being on 24/7—tirelessly networking, deal-making, and keynoting conferences. This is nonsense, says Morra Aarons-Mele. As an eminent entrepreneur with a flourishing business and a self-proclaimed introvert with lots of anxieties, Morra disagrees with the notion that there’s only one successful "type": the intense, super social, sleep-deprived mover and shaker, the person who musters endless amounts of "grit." Hiding in the Bathroom is her antidote for everyone who is fed up with feeling like they must always "lean in"—who prefer those moments of hiding in the bathroom to constantly climbing the ladder or working the room.

Morra knows what it takes to make your mark, and now, this entrepreneur who has boosted the online strategy of clients such as the Malala Fund, President Obama, the UN Foundation, and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation shares the insights, tricks, and knowledge she’s learned. Filled with advice, exercises to help readers evaluate their own work/life fit and manage anxiety, valuable tools, and stories of countless successful people—entrepreneurs, academics, and novices just beginning their careers—Hiding in the Bathroom empowers professionals of all ages and levels to take control and build their own versions of success. Thoughtful and practical, it is a must-have handbook for building a fantastic, prosperous career and a balanced, happy life—on your own terms.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Business, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development, Leadership

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 26, 2017

About the author

Morra Aarons-Mele is a podcast host, writer, entrepreneur, and communications executive. She hosts The Anxious Achiever podcast, a top-10 Management podcast, 2020 Webby Awards honoree and Signal Award winner for "Best Commute Podcast." She is the author of The Anxious Achiever: Turn Your Biggest Fears into Your Leadership Superpower from Harvard Business Review Press. She was one of ten thought leaders named LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Mental Health for 2022. Passionate about helping people rethink the relationship between their mental health and their success, Morra frequently consults for Fortune 500 companies, startups, and US government agencies.

In addition to her contribution to workplace mental health, Aarons-Mele founded Women Online, the award-winning social impact agency she sold in 2021. She has helped three US presidential candidates and a range of mission-driven organizations create communications, marketing, and fundraising campaigns. Since 2004, Aarons-Mele has covered the campaign trail, the White House, the lactation room, and the office cubicle, and has written for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Fast Company, among other publications. Her first book, Hiding in the Bathroom: How To Get Out There (When You’d Rather Stay Home), was published by Dey Street Books in 2017.

Reviews

[Emma Sea · Rating 1 out of 5]

A bait and switch. It's actually about being a woman entrepreneur, with only a bare minimum of information about dealing with social situations as an introvert, or experiencing social anxiety. It's a great book, but not at all what I expected or needed. Contains lots of info on budgeting, negotiating as a woman, asking for what you're worth, closing sales, social media strategies, finding a niche, time management and flexible working, setting boundaries with email and social media, creating a vision and plan, working while parenting, etc.

Some of the ideas were nice, but idealistic:




Sadly much of the info on the actual not-hiding-in-the-bathroom part was absolutely useless to me.




I neither have nor want a husband. Do you think I can hire a fake husband just to give me pep talks? Because that sounds awesome.



This is not the book I was looking for.

[Kendall · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is not an introvert's guide to getting out there. It is an account of how someone with a fetish for internet entrepreneurs essentially quit the business world. Some of us don't have that option, and there was very little concrete information in here that would help a professional with actual business development in a real industry.

[Emma Sea]

what the actual fuck? $20.19 for the kindle edition but only $17.06 for the hardcover? On what planet does this make sense? Why does the publisher wish to actively discourage me from buying it?

Update: luckily my library has it.

[Miri · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this book is what happens when you write a self-help book but you really wanted to write a memoir. Although the title and dust jacket text make it sound like this book is about achieving your life goals as an introvert, it’s really pretty much limited to achieving work goals, and even then most of it is only relevant to entrepreneurs or other “high-powered” careers. The book is absolutely full of business jargon and quotes from the author’s friends, most of whom (like the author) make their living doing vague things I don’t really understand involving “digital media.” If you were hoping to learn how to maintain friendships, try out new hobbies, or (*gasp*) work in the service sector as an introvert, this book has nothing for you.

[Gunjan (NerdyBirdie) · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book should not be called Hiding in the Bathroom, it should instead have a title that shows this book for what it really is: a woman who has managed to make a nice, successful business and doesn’t really bother going too deep into her own experiences involving introverted feelings.

There were sections of the book where I would roll my eyes insanely. Aarons-Mele will just start talking about other successful people like, “It’s easy for Steve Jobs to say no, but not for introverts.” She mentioned something about letting the author of Lean In down as well which was out of context. It sounds like Aarons-Mele spent too long on, “Look at me doing things the hard way! Woe is me!”

There were chapters on niche and budgeting and feminism that just felt awkward and forced to me. Just this entire book was incredibly difficult for me to get through. I almost stopped reading at the chapter about budgeting.

This book might be great for a very specific group of people who know what type of business they want to have but it is most definitely not for introverts.

[Danielle · Rating 1 out of 5]

I quit reading this book partway through. It was not what I thought it was going to be, and had no application for my life. It was very focused on business and being super ambitious and climbing the corporate ladder while being an introvert. I suppose it might be relevant for people who work in that kind of environment, but I don't and did not find this book helpful in the least.

[Peebee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is going to be a very personal book review. Because this book became very personal to me over the course of reading it. I've known the author, Morra Aarons-Mele, for a long time through conferences, listservs and other (mostly online) interaction. She's someone about which I've experienced FOMO (fear of missing out, which she discusses at length in this book). But I never knew what was going on for her behind the scenes, which is what she discusses in this book.

I have lived in the Washington, DC metro area for over a decade, and started my career in San Francisco, both places surrounded by overachievers. I can network with the best of them, but I spent a lot of time dealing with the aftermath of such outings and over time, built up some dread of them (not really hiding in the bathroom, but not working the room, either).

For the most recent year of my career I had to spend working in a large office, it was excruciating just trying to arrive at work on time and appropriately dressed, and I was so happy when I was able to return to a job where I could retreat to my home office. As it turns out, while I thought I was always pretty much on the line between introvert and extrovert based on those quizzes (what I've seen described as an "outgoing introvert") the recent worsening of an anxiety and depression condition primarily caused by hormonal changes has placed me firmly in the introvert camp, which truthfully I've probably always been in, quiz results notwithstanding.

I usually read books in one sitting -- I'm told I'm a fast reader and I tend to devour them, and I will end up reading 150+ books this year. But with this book, I frequently had to stop. Because Morra was in my head, expressing things about her work and her life that I had long felt but could never express to others. I had to stop and think about all my significant job experiences and realize how much was conditioned on trying to be someone that I wasn't, just so I could advance in my career and get some credit for my achievements. At times, it was overwhelming just how much the words on the page described my experience without me having written them.

You might think this book was all about how to make being introverted work for you. And it is (and I also understand the need to target your niche market to stand out). But don't reject reading it if you don't consider yourself introverted or fully embrace that part of your identity. Because it's really about how to make the workplace work for you when you don't really fit in with the corporate culture: how to manage your transition to becoming an entrepreneur, working in a home office, managing your work/life balance, being productive using flexible schedules, and living up to the expectations you set for yourself rather than the ones given to you to measure how you're doing.

I suppose there are people who wouldn't find this advice helpful, but I know far too many who may as strongly relate to this book as I did. And who have been suffering in relative silence for a really long time wondering why they can never seem to have the job they want, or make it work so that they have a happy life, even when they're in what they and everyone else thought was their dream job. I'm so glad I have a hard copy because this is going to be my career bible, especially since I'm soon planning a significant expansion of my consulting work, which, while compatible with my long-time employment and career identity, could eventually take me in a new direction. There's just so much good stuff here that isn't limited to a particular personality type that I don't think you should limit yourself.

I hope this book does really well, because it is so needed and is really going to open the eyes of a lot of people who choose to read it. If you know Morra, read it to support her, but you can just assume you'll get a ton out of it. And if you don't know Morra, but any of this sounds interesting, you should read it, whether it's to better understand or supervise an introverted colleague, or to better understand yourself (because I guarantee that will happen.) Just read it and you won't be sorry.

I received an advance copy of this book from the author and publisher in exchange for an honest review. My personal relationship with the author did not inflate or impact my review.

[Eron · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for crafting your ideal lifestyle as the head of a small telecommuting-based "social-impact marketing agency with the sole mission of creating campaigns that mobilize women for social good."

Unfortunately, this book is marketed to an irresponsibly wide audience as "an introvert's roadmap for getting out there (when you'd rather stay home)."

That's not to be sassy for the sake of it. This book will surely find an audience that benefits from its contents; I just don't belong to that community. The book is filled with strategies for setting up a client-based business where you work from home most days. While I could see that lifestyle working for me, I was expecting advice of a more general nature. While there was a chapter advising how to make it in a traditional job as an introvert, Aarons-Mele's focus is clear. She's writing from what she knows, and I can't blame her for that.

The book becomes increasingly narrow in scope, drilling into the world of consulting work. Tips abound for landing clients and finding so-called "superconnectors" to get your business where it wants to be. Toward the end of "Hiding in the Bathroom", Aarons-Mele encourages readers to network by creating content (blogs, twitter mentions, etc). To me, it seems clear that this book is an exercise in content creation to benefit the author's personal pursuits, not a true-blue guide to being an introvert in the business world.

What's more, Aarons-Mele is extremely light on the details of her own shyness. After a quick overview of her affliction (something whose description vacillates between simple introversion and full-blown diagnosed panic and anxiety), she doesn't share this type of information in any meaningful way. She returns to the "hiding in the bathroom" joke many times, but does not relate stories of her own weakness. I suspect for all the business-world trends she claims to be bucking, the author is simply not comfortable being vulnerable, lest it damage her powerful reputation. A story of anxiety and introversion without vulnerability does not make sufferers of those afflictions feel better. This is a business book that's packaged as self-help.

I wouldn't recommend it to many people, simply because I don't know anyone to whom this book would speak.

[Chanequa Walker-Barnes · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started reading this two years ago on my way to an academic conference, an introvert's nightmare. I found some helpful material, especially in the first half of the book. Most of the examples, though, are highly geared to the corporate sector. By the second half, I was struggling to find relevance. Eventually I gave up on it. It would have helped if the author had interviewed introverts from a wide variety of jobs and careers.

[Sjancourtz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is NOT about being an introvert! It's a very self-congratulatory book about a smart, aggressive, accomplished woman who is definitely NOT the sort of person who cowers in the bathroom. If you're an introvert looking for advice on how to succeed in an extrovert's world, this is NOT it.

I heard an interview with the author on NPR and thought I'd give her book a try. Fortunately, I got it from my local public library, because I would have been REALLY peeved to spend $25.99 on a book with about five pages of useful advice specifically for introverts.

The book is a triumph of misleading marketing. Ms. Aarons'Mele figured out there was a niche for women who cringe at all the aggressive behavior they have to master in order to get ahead in their careers, and slapped "introvert" into her title to distinguish it from all the other "How to Succeed In Business" books. BTW, she actually has a long chapter on creating a niche for yourself.

[Kara · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was an entertaining read, but I didn't feel that there was a whole lot of practical advice in the book, especially if you weren't in the particular field of the author.

The main message was simple, and didn't require so many pages: it's ok to be an introvert; find an environment where you can work well; get out there when you need to (when it's financially relevant to your life - assuming you are a freelancer or entrepreneur).

[jess ~has abandoned GR~]

blehhhhhhhh.

Didn't really speak to me. Seems like it's written more for successful business people who are stressed out by how successful and busy they are.



dnf; didn't read enough to justify a rating.

[Kyla Bell · Rating 2 out of 5]

I chose to read this book because I am an introverted teacher. I listened to this book on audio and it’s like my brain was panning for gold, only to come up with nothing of value. It was slow moving and tedious as I listened to her ideas on handling the business world as an introvert. There was a whole lot of pyrite, also known as fool’s gold. Things that sounded alright, but we’re mere platitudes. She talks about finding a niche market-a target audience to promote yourself to. She did the exact opposite with the marketing of this book, casting a wide-net to all introverts. The title was very catchy and appealing as I was just hiding in the bathroom crying last month. Do not be fooled. This book is written for women who want to be business Moguls. That is totally fine and I’m sure helpful to those women, but not what was advertised. My biggest issue was the contradictions. Do what makes you happy, but also listen to these super successful women who branded themselves this way. The author encourages us to use anxiety (as in the mental illness, not just the feeling) to motivate ourselves to do more; citing some girl who said she was thankful for her anxiety because it makes her think about other people. So now we have to use our mental illnesses to achieve. Doesn’t this propel the problem of the achievement monster?

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to enjoy this book more than I did in the end. The title is misleading; the book is less about introverts "getting out there" and more advice for female, hermit entrepreneurs. The conflation of introversion and hermit-ism was a constant, and often led to unhelpful advice for us outgoing introverts. Most of the advice-heavy sections were irrelevant to anyone not looking to start or improve on their self-made business. There were also typos throughout the book - as in, every 3-5 pages. The author's feminism was also very second wave, as she mostly left out experiences of and advice for women of color.
Positives: a few chapters gave great advice for young women who have just started in the workforce and who aren't trying to start their own businesses. These were the chapters that seemed more in sync with the title of the book. There were brilliant excerpts about introverts and gender roles, open plan office spaces, and "sludging" (making a co-worker feel bad when she structures her professional life against norms and in a way that is healthy for her personally). Overall I learned a few valuable tools and retained some useful advice, but wouldn't have read the book if I wouldn't have been lured by a misleading title. (less)

[Bobbi Rebell · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know that saying/book that basically goes.. sometime's he's just not that into you? Well sometimes you are just not that into being around people. You like people- but on your own terms. And not all the time. Morra's stories and advice strike that perfect balance between being universal and yet personal. You feel like she read your mind but yet so much in this book is relatable. The best part is the actual solutions and specific things she gives us that we can put into action immediately. This book made me feel so calm and understood. I plan to give it to all my friends this holiday season. It truly is a gift.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an incredible resource for anyone struggling to build a professional network while also dealing with anxiety and introversion. The author provides concrete strategies and suggestions for dealing with social anxiety and how to network without having to constantly be attending energy draining conferences and events. Full disclosure: I was provided a copy of Hiding in the Bathroom through a Goodreads Giveaway. That being said, I would highly recommend this book to anyone who regularly hides in the bathroom (most introverts and anxiety sufferers!).

[yo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the title is misleading. I definitely learned more about business than about introverts. A better title might be “how to be an entrepreneur, for female hermits with anxiety issues.”

[Zoé · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm pretty disappointed with this book. Based on the title and description, I was expecting career development advice catered to introverts something else than what was delivered. However, the focus was more narrow and focussed on business and "hermit entrepreneurship". Because this is not something that interests me or can be easily applied to my current work situation as a young professional, I had a hard time relating to much of the content.

That being said, this is not a bad book. I still managed to take away some ideas that can be useful to me, particularly about building and maintaining networks, and, had I been interested in working in business or in becoming an hermit entrepreneur, I'm sure I would have found it even more useful.

[Mary Helene · Rating 5 out of 5]

While the opening might be pitched to introverts, ten minutes in and I knew this is a book about working in the digital age. I was increasingly surprised by how useful the thicket of ideas were to me in my life - and I'm retired and volunteering for causes (like the preservation of the planet) that are urgently important. It's not just about creating profit or presence or producing content; Morra's given us a whole toolkit of workable ways to manage the hours in order to focus. This book is packed with distilled wisdom.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the parts that discussed working as an introvert in general and found them useful to think about, but the sections that focused on how to manage clients and other things specific to the author's line of work were not helpful for me.

[Dave · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book starts out with a lot of promise, by providing an alternative to the ultra-stressful corporate business culture that many are looking to escape. I found myself nodding along frequently as she describes her troubles with modern business culture.

However, as many reviewers have noted, this book has little to do with introverts or introversion. The author alludes to, or rather admits that, her affliction is anxiety disorder, not to be confused with introversion. The author even betrays this deception in the book when she says that the word 'introvert' is in the title of the book to widen her potential market.

Another disappointing aspect of this book is the descent in its latter half to SJWism. The first mention of "... pale, stale, and male ..." in reference to old white men portends to later in the book, when hardly a page passes when we don't hear about priveleged white males (given the acronym PWM because of its repeated reference later on), Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, 'legends' like Andrea Mitchell, or you name your progressive cause du jour. That kind of content is all well and good, but not that which is sold to me as how to 'get out there'. As another reviewer said, this book is certainly a 'bait and switch'. Sad, considering how inspiring the first few chapters were.

[Shelby · Rating 5 out of 5]

This audiobook felt like a breath of fresh air. For anyone who is introverted, hypersensitive, or easily overwhelmed by achievement-based environments like the workplace, Aarons-Mele provides pragmatic tips for being yourself while adjusting your career to suit you best. I feel heard, important, and strong, rather than quiet, shy, and weak. I'm excited to continue consuming Morra's advice and anecdotes via her podcast – this way, it feels like the book will never truly end.

[Yukari Watanabe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure: I know Morra and I received a signed copy from her.

I have always felt awed by Morra and her success. Therefore, I was quite surprised to learn that she was an introvert. I never imagined her hiding in the bathroom during the meetings and parties to avoid people! That itself encourages me to be more brave.

Not every advice in this book is for everyone, but you can learn something to help you make your life easier especially if you have anxiety issues.

[Tanya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Morra Aarons-Mele gives solid, practical and actionable advice in her book Hiding in the Bathroom. This book is full of wisdom from her and many other experts out there on all the topics entrepreneurs and solopreneurs need to get ahead without conforming to an extroverted personality type. Really enjoyed feeling seen and heard through this book.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great. I'm going to buy a box of them and give them to everyone I know.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nicely compliments Quiet and Feminist Fight Club -- definitely recommend this to other ambitious introverts our there. You don't have to read each chapter, since a lot of the advice is common sense or repetitive of other books that cover this topic, but there are some great nuggets.

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of this book was amazing. Every page made me want to shout “YES!” Or “THANK YOU!” Or “wait, I’m not the only one who feels this way/struggles with this?” It made me feel not alone

The second half was more focused on practical advice, which is great (I hate books that point out the problems and offer no solutions). But the advice was very basic, probably focused more on people new to business than people with 20+ years experience (writing that makes me feel so old!). I wish the tips and tricks were more specific and detailed, but I also recognized zet I may not be the audience she was writing for in this part

Overall, would recommend to anyone who knows the feeling of waiting to hide in the bathroom or u see the covers any time human interaction is required

[Brenden Schaaf · Rating 3 out of 5]

First two thirds I really enjoyed. When it got into selling, which holds little appeal to me, I wasn't as interested. I do wish workplaces focused as much on productivity from introverts and how to achieve that by addressing their needs as they currently focus on teams and collaboration. Perhaps our time is coming.

[Kerra · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF at 30%. The actual content about anxiety was good, but the book quickly turned into a discussion about making your business work for you. Of course I’d LOVE to be at that point in my life, but it’s just not realistic for a recent college graduate. I might pick this up again once I’ve figured out the career part of my life.

[Robyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, the funny thing is, the first time I met Morra Aarons-Mele, at a work function, I spent some portion of the event hiding in the bathroom. I did not know anyone there, at all, and I kept texting my husband for encouragement, from the stall. I met Morra that evening and she was in many ways the center of the party, talking about her work for the Obama campaign, with her Harvard professor husband, and it was people like her that made me feel like I had to hide in the bathroom in the first place!

That being said, when I heard the title of her book, it both amused and intrigued me. You mean I am not the ONLY person who hides in the bathroom, who dreads big events, who has to pep talk myself for hours in advance of a networking event?

Most people who know me would find the above description of me kind of crazy, because I think most people think of me the way I thought of Morra: this is not the kind of person who ever hides.

But isn't that the point? We all hide, and we all think no one else does.

All THAT said, this is NOT really a book about hiding in the bathroom. It's really a book about owning your insecurities, and your fears, and working around them. It's about how to become a successful leader, and a powerful person, not by being perfect, but by being honest about yourself, and owning who you are. And it's a powerful read for that reason.

The one thing that struck me as a bit strange, reading the book, is that Morra's insecurities seem sort of dissonant with the very long resume of success that she touts. At one point, she notes that one way to win business is to make a list of your most successful accomplishments, and bring them to the table. For instance, she notes that she was a digital strategist for Hillary Clinton, for Barack Obama's 2012 campaign, and for Malala. And I thought, well, if I had THOSE accomplishments, what would I have to be anxious about?!

But I suppose that's kind of the point.

Morra offers a lot of inspirational insight, about the fears and insecurities that even the strongest and most powerful among us carry within, and practical advice, on how to get over them, or work around them. I took a lot of notes over the course of the book, and as a small business owner myself, I finished the book with some very specific strategies that I have already started to apply. Full disclosure, I do know Morra through work, as mentioned above. But I know her much better through reading this book.