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368 pages, Hardcover
First published May 29, 2008
What is the definition of Capitalism?I got this book for the jokes. It wasn’t the wisest choice, but there is not much to choose from. Political jokes need, most of the time, context, otherwise they are not funny. I know enough about Communism, but local details may not be familiar to me.
The exploitation of man by man.
And what is the definition of Communism?
The exact opposite.
An old man with a big bushy grey beard knocks on the door of Heaven.
Peter Petrovich greets him and asks him firmly: ‘Who was your father?’
‘An industrialist.’
‘And your mother?’
‘The daughter of a merchant.’
‘And your wife?’
‘An aristocrat.’
‘And what did you do all your life long?’
‘I travelled and wrote books.’
‘Bourgeois stock,’ Peter notes. ‘It will be difficult, but tell me your name?’
‘Karl Marx.’
At a concentration camp in Siberia, several inmates are talking with each other about why they are in the camp. One says, ‘I am here for saying that Karl Radek was a counter-revolutionary.’Ben Lewis researches Communist political jokes across the Soviet bloc. He seems serious about it. He mentions that there are different lines of thought. First comes the minimalist position that considers political jokes an expression of public opinion, nothing more, and that they had no effect on the system. The maximalists argue that the jokes brought down Communism, because ‘every joke is a tiny revolution’ (George Orwell). And then there are the denials that say joke-telling actually helped prolong Communism, because it was a way to blow off steam, and so it was advantageous to the system.
The second says, ‘Isn’t that interesting? I am here for saying that he was not a counter-revolutionary.’ They turned to the third man and asked, ‘What are you here for?’
He answered: ‘I am Karl Radek.’
How do the Czechs know that the Earth is round?
In 1945 the imperialists were driven out to the west and in 1968 they returned from the east.
A donkey is standing next to a Trabant. He turns to the car and asks it, ‘What are you?’
‘I am a car,’ says the Trabant. ‘What are you?’
‘Oh,’ says the donkey, laughing, ‘I am a horse.’
After the October Revolution, God sends three observers to Russia: St Luke, St George and St Peter. They send him three telegrams.Lewis is a maximalist. From the beginning he wants to prove that jokes were the reason Communism failed. As his research advances, he can’t prove that.
‘I’ve fallen into the hands of the Cheka – St Luke.’
‘I’ve fallen into the hands of the Cheka – St George.’
‘All’s well. Doing fine. Cheka Superintendent Petrov.’
An old peasant woman is visiting Moscow zoo, when she sets eyes on a camel for the first time. ‘Oh my God,’ she says, ‘look what the Bolsheviks have done to that horse.’
A dissident arrives at a remote village, to which he has been exiled.He writes a history of Communism through jokes. He uses underground humour and official satire. He discovers, to his disappointment, that only 200,000 people were sent to the Gulag by Stalin for anti-Soviet propaganda (jokers), and even more disappointment that in other countries it was a few thousand or a few hundred. How can he prove this theory if ‘only’ 200,000 people were sent to the Gulag for jokes?
Everywhere seems deserted, but as he gets towards the centre of town he notices an overpowering horrible smell. In the main square he comes across a big crowd of people standing quietly in a lake of sewage coming up to their chins. Suddenly he falls in. He starts flailing his arms and shouting in disgust, ‘Yuk! I cannot stand this! How can you people just stand here not doing anything?’
They reply, ‘Shut up and keep still, you are making waves.’
A clerk hears laughing behind the door of a courtroom. He opens the door. At the other end of the room, the judge is sitting on the podium convulsed in laughter.Another one of his disappointments is when he is told that most jokes are recycled throughout history. He was aware that Communist jokes were re-adapted and re-used in different times with only minor alterations, some of them even coming from Nazi Germany or the 19th century, but somehow he didn’t consider the fact that they can date back to much earlier times, in many cases even impossible to date exactly.
‘What’s so funny?’ asks the clerk.
‘I just heard the funniest joke of my life,’ says the judge.
‘Tell it to me.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘I just sentenced someone to five years’ hard labour for doing that.’
Who dug the White Sea canal?
The right bank was dug by those who told jokes…
And the left bank?
By those who listened.
A man was reported to have said: ‘That Nicholas is a moron!’ He was arrested by the policeman for insulting Tsar Nicolas II.In the end he does not prove anything, and he reaches no conclusion. He has no method. He goes from place to place and talks to a few people and that’s it. As his quest progresses, he discovers that joke-telling become a part of daily life. People were not sentenced and deported for it anymore. The subjects changed and after the fall of Communism they disappeared completely.
‘No, sir,’ said the man, ‘I did not mean our respected Emperor, but another Nicholas!’
‘Don’t try to trick me,’ replied the policeman. ‘If you say “moron”, you obviously refer to our Tsar.’
Goebbels was touring German schools. At one, he asked the students to call out patriotic slogans.
‘Heil Hitler,’ shouted one child.
‘Very good,’ said Goebbels.
‘Deutschland über alles,’ another called out.
‘Excellent. How about a stronger slogan?’
A hand shot up, and Goebbels nodded. ‘Our people shall live for ever,’ the little boy said.
‘Wonderful,’ exclaimed Goebbels. ‘What is your name, young man?’
‘Israel Goldberg.’
Polish, Hungarian and Romanian dogs get to talking. ‘What’s life like in your country?’ the Polish dog asks the Hungarian dog.Most of the time, Lewis collects jokes and re-tells them. The jokes are used to support the points and claims he is making. I was hoping for more jokes or, if not, a more serious/scientific research. I got neither. The entire corpus of Radio Yerevan corpus of Communist jokes is only briefly mentioned. He travelled to different countries, but he missed or ignored the jokes with local popular characters.
‘Well, we have meat to eat but we can’t bark. What are things like where you are from?’ says the Hungarian dog to the Polish dog.
‘With us, there’s no meat, but at least we can bark,’ says the Polish dog.
‘What’s meat? What’s barking?’ asks the Romanian dog.
A Romanian cosmonaut goes to the moon. He leaves a note for his mother on the kitchen table: ‘Gone to the Moon, back in a week.’ He comes back and the house is empty. There’s a note on the table from his mother: ‘Gone to buy cheese. Don’t know when I’ll be back.’
A teacher asks his class: ‘Who is your mother and who is your father?’This felt more like a book about another (academic) book. Like the adventures and musing of a social scientist in his research. Like a behind-the-scenes of a real book. Otherwise, what purpose do his long pages about his relationship serve?
A pupil replies: ‘My mother is Russia and my father is Stalin.’
‘Very good,’ says the teacher. ‘And what would you like to be when you grow up?’
‘An orphan.’
Stalin is giving a speech to an assembly of workers in a big factory. ‘The thing we hold most precious in the Soviet Union is a human life,’ he says.
Suddenly someone in the audience has a fit of coughing.
‘Who is coughing?’ bellows Stalin.
Silence.
‘Okay, call in the NKVD,’ says the dictator.
Stalin’s political police, the NKVD, rush in with semi-automatic weapons blazing. Soon only seven men are left standing.
Stalin asks again: ‘Who coughed?’
One man raises his hand.
‘That’s a terrible cold you’ve got,’ says Stalin. ‘Take my car and go to hospital.’
Stalin is in his limo, alone with his driver. ‘Let me ask you a question,’ he says to the chauffeur. ‘Tell me honestly, have you become more or less happy since the Revolution?’
‘In truth, less happy,’ says the driver.
‘Why is that?’ asks Stalin, his hackles raised.
‘Well, before the Revolution I had two suits. Now I only have one.’
‘You should be pleased,’ says Stalin. ‘Don’t you know that in Africa they run around completely naked?’
‘Really?’ the chauffeur replies. ‘So how long ago did they have their revolution?’
One day Stalin is in his office in the Kremlin and notices that there are mice in his study. He complains to President Kalinin about this.
The President thinks for a moment and then suggests: ‘Why don’t you put up a sign reading “Collective Farm”? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away.’
Two Gulag inmates are talking about why they got put away. ‘I’m here for laziness, ’ says one.I was disappointed. But at least I got to save some funny jokes.
‘What do you mean? Did you fail to turn up for work?’ asks the other.
‘No. I was sitting with a friend telling jokes all night, and I thought, at the end, I’ll go to bed, I can report him to the police in the morning.’
‘And why was that so lazy?’
‘He did it the same evening.’
You remember the police investigator who asks the accused: ‘What were you doing five years ago on 23 October at 17.15?’
The accused replies promptly: ‘I remember exactly. I had one eye on my clock and the other on my calendar.’
What is the definition of a Russian string quartet?
A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour
Brezhnev is walking with his grandson. ‘Granddad, when I grow up, will I be General Secretary?’
‘What are you saying, boy? How could there be two general secretaries?’
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are sitting in a bar and discuss what is best in life. "Truly", says the Englishman "there is nothing better in life than coming home from a nice stroll through the countryside and enjoying a cup of tea." The Frenchman snorts contentiously. "You Brits are simply oblivious to the greatest joys in life. There is nothing better than a week abroad without your wife so you can lose yourself in a passionate affair!" The Russian chuckles in a patronizing fashion. "My friend, you have no idea... The best thing that can happen to you in life is when the KGB rushes into your bedroom at four in the morning shouting 'You're under arrest, Boris Ivanov!' and you can reply with 'I'm sorry, comrade. Boris lives next door.'"