The Dharma of The Princess Bride: What the Coolest Fairy Tale of Our Time Can Teach Us About Buddhism and Relationships

by Ethan Nichtern

An engagingly contemporary approach to Buddhism―through the lens of an iconic film and its memorable characters

Humorous yet spiritually rigorous in the tradition of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and The Tao of Pooh , drawing from pop culture and from personal experience, The Dharma of “The Princess Bride ” teaches us how to understand and navigate our most important personal relationships from a twenty-first-century Buddhist perspective.

Friendship. Romance. Family. These are the three areas Ethan Nichtern delves into, taking as departure points the indelible characters from Rob Reiner’s perennially popular film―Westley, Fezzik, Vizzini, Count Rugen, Princess Buttercup, and others―as he also draws lessons from his own life and his work as a meditation teacher. Nichtern devotes the first section of the book to exploring the dynamics of friendship. Why do people become friends? What can we learn from the sufferings of Inigo Montoya and Fezzik? Next, he leads us through all the phases of illusion and disillusion we encounter in our romantic pursuits, providing a healthy dose of lightheartedness along the way by sharing his own Princess Buttercup List and the vicissitudes of his dating life as he ponders how we idealize and objectify romantic love. Finally, Nichtern draws upon the demands of his own family history and the film’s character the Grandson to explore the dynamics of “the last frontier of awakening,” a reference to his teacher Chogyam Trungpa’s claim that it’s possible to be enlightened everywhere except around your family.

With The Dharma of “The Princess Bride ” in hand, we can set out on the path to contemporary Buddhist enlightenment with the most important relationships in our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Buddhism, Religion, Philosophy, Spirituality, Meditation, Book Club

275 pages, Hardcover

Published September 12, 2017

About the author

Ethan Nichtern is a senior Buddhist teacher. He is the author of The Road Home: A Contemporary Exploration of the Buddhist Path (FSG Books, North Point, 2015) and One City: A Declaration of Interdependence (Wisdom Publications, 2007). He is also the founder and former director of The Interdependence Project, an organization dedicated to Buddhist-inspired meditation and psychology, transformational activism, mindful arts, and meaningful media. He teaches and lectures around the world and is based in New York City.

Reviews

[Paul Martin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was so excited to read this book, thinking little could be better than using one of my favorite movies as the basis for a dharma discussion. In the end, it fell well short of expectations. There are a few gems in the book, like Nichtern's treatment of the three poisons, but in the end the book seems less interested in the dharma than the author's political leanings and provides little actual insight. I get it, I'm not a Donald Trump fan either, but the "Trumperdink" references and "mean Ted Cruz" slights sound more like the words of a childish bully than a Buddhist teacher. In the end, Nichtern espouses a philosophy of emptiness that his writing consistently undermines through political attachment. I'm sure that tribalism will have most people reading this book applauding his approach, but when considered in light of the truth that nothing, including Trump, exists in the way we think it exists, I found the rhetoric distracting from a concept that could have been great had it been treated with less self-righteous anger.

[Marybeth McCarrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

My father died when I was in my twenties. I had a videotape copy of "The Princess Bride" (my favorite movie). And I made it a weekly ritual that I would watch the movie EVERY WEEKEND! I'd shout along with Inigo Montoya "you killed my father". Watching the movie really healing a piece of my pain. Knowing I could get through the week because I could cry all weekend got me through that terrible year of missing my dad so much.
I loved this book. It combined the meditation, which I have always found so helpful, and the movie that was so powerful for my getting through my grief. Thank you so much to Ethan Nichtern. I feel you expressed so simply the power of this movie in my life.

[Carla Villar · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do not know a lot about Buddhism, but I am very familiar with The Princess Bride. This book was helpful in explaining Buddhist concepts through a lens I already understand. The author's personal stories also demonstrate that one can follow Buddhist practices and still have the same human challenges as anyone else.

[Rebecca Lumbrix · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made my heart feel so soft & open! Insightful, keenly relevant, & often very funny, it provides such a gentle & expansive perspective on relationships and just being human. Recommend for Buddhists, non-Buddhists, and, to use Nichtern’s term, “Buddh-ish” people like myself.

[Elizabeth R · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Recall the child who has not yet engrained the belief that there is some big problem with being a person. Let yourself be visited by that child frequently, the one who still leans in, opening toward the world rather than bracing or strategizing against it."

It took me forever to finish this (and longer to review it), and I still give it 5 stars. This is one of those books I had to digest slowly. Read, think, rest, repeat.
What we have here is basically a primer on Buddhism, filtered and separated through The Princess Bride movie to make it much more approachable and perhaps palatable than it might otherwise be. It was an effective tool for me. Furthermore, all the analysis was aimed towards relationships--to our family, to our friends, to our partners, to ourselves. It's a book whose time has come, I think. The author is not too stuffy, nor too precious, nor too self-centered or self-congratulatory. He strikes a good balance between vulnerable and wise; I would happily go hear him speak.
Even as I was still reading the book, I was thinking, I should probably reread bits of this on a regular basis so I can really absorb and learn from it. Rare indeed is the nonfiction book that evokes that impulse in me!

[Richard Heilbrunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bravo

Ethan relates this Dharma tale on many levels. Like a New York Deli everyone can find something to nibble on, digest and grow with.

[Denise みか Hutchins · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an excellent book--several lessons have stuck with me powerfully even though I was reading for nothing more than pleasure--and the only reason I took a star off my rating is because the best parts of it have nothing to do with The Princess Bride. At first, I was merely disappointed in how loosely the main meat of the book kept to the promise of its title, but by the end, the references to The Princess Bride felt almost forced, or like they were getting in the way, a weak adhesion to the premise of the book, a quota to fulfill, instead of being made into the most useful tools possible for illustrating the ideas at hand. It's true that it's not likely I would have read this book if it didn't reference a beloved pop culture franchise, but now that I've read it, I wish it would have been spun differently, perhaps utilizing more pop culture references, keeping the material accessible and interesting without feeling like a gimmick. It's not that I doubt the author's love of The Princess Bride or the fact that the franchise can be used to illustrate Buddhist principles, it just wasn't pushed far enough to be satisfying. I would have enjoyed this book much more if it had either pushed the pop culture references further, or if it didn't present itself as a 'Princess Bride Guide to Buddhist Thought' at all.

[Bailey Conradt · Rating 4 out of 5]

What does The Princess Bride have to do with Buddhism? Apparently a lot! I personally consider myself Christian, but I often like to explore how others view the world through their religions/mindsets and this one was especially “enlightening” :)

The biggest takeaway by far for me was the idea of “basic goodness” of all people - not inherently good as in always being positive or always doing the right thing, but as in worthy of existing and taking up space. Every person has the right to exist because they are human and it’s not something you can earn or lose.

The other main takeaway for me was the concept of “the middle way”. In all things there is a balance, and so we should not be naive, but just as much we should not be cynical.

Overall, this book was really helpful to understand different Buddhist concepts through the metaphor of the well-known movie of The Princess Bride. I feel like I learned a lot!

[Shreya · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was a great book. to be honest, my knowledge on the princess bride story comes from attending a forensics competition in high school where someone acted it out in a one man show. they won that day so the story was obviously memorable for me because i placed 4th that day lol. Anyways, i think the author did a great job taking abstract buddhist concepts and distilling them into bite-sized pieces that helped me as a reader conceptualize certain ideals into my own life. i recommend this book to everyone. i’m definitely going to rewatch movies and try to relate characters to the characteristics mentioned in the book. i hope this book is one of many on my journey to understand life and behavior

[Chelsea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fully of humour and valuable teachings, The Dharma of the Princess Bride was about 20% Princess Bride and 80% Buddhism. Nichtern's writing was witty and modernly down-to-earth, but there was a distinct lack of Princess Bride references as the book went on. Regardless, it was a good read about mindfulness and daily practices to put life into (Buddhist) perspective.

[Heather Gahres · Rating 5 out of 5]

A look at Buddhism through the relationships of the Princess Bride. Friends, Romantic partners and family themes and how to navigate thoughtfulness within those around us.
Really fun and thoughtful read.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like the personal manner the author uses to "talk to" the reader. I would have preferred it if he had not used swear words to put some points across - it really didn't add anything helpful, and is ultimately unskillful. This is a very readable book though, and I was surprised at how deeply he went into the dharma from his talking points. Some very helpful subject matter, that I have already passed on to friends in little soundbites. I will certainly read this book again as it bears studying deeper.

[Olivia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Buddhism! The Princess Bride! I was all set to love this book, but ultimately it didn’t work for me. There were a few gems, but my main takeaways were Nichtern had a lot of anxiety about dating, and he is really trading on his dad’s friendship with Christopher Guest.

[Heather · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the words were in English, and I read all of them (sometimes more than once), but I don't think I understood a lot of what Nichtern was trying to tell me.

[Lex · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t finish, and I’m not sure if my inability to finish was due to me just not jiving with the writing style, if the book is genuinely not very good, or if I just wasn’t in the right mindset. I’m going to reference two books with a similar idea in order to explain why I didn’t finish: Benjamin Hoff’s duology of The Tao of Pooh/The Te of Piglet also takes western pop culture figures to explain an eastern philosophy. Those books were very tight but also very simple and approachable. Any analogies made came quite naturally. However, The Dharma of The Princess Bride, in its early chapters anyway, suffers from cramming metaphors in where they don’t necessarily fit. It suffers from the same problem I had with Help Thanks Wow, which is that spiritual/philosophical matters tend people towards rambling that is important to them, but which may or may not translate to others. I really liked the concept of this book, so I’m really quite disappointed that I couldn’t get into it because I feel like it had a lot of potential. However, I will fully own up that I might just not be in the right mindset. I’d be willing to give this book another shot in the future.

[Kathryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This nonfiction book is written by an American practitioner of Shambhala Buddhism; he has a deep love for The Princess Bride (1987), and explains relationship through both the movie and Buddhism. I enjoyed the book, and not just because I love The Princess Bride.

The author's father was (and is) best friends with Christopher Guest, who played Count Rugen (also known as the Six-Fingered Man} in The Princess Bride. In this book the author explores relationships through the characters and relationships in the movie, including the relationships between Fezzik and Inigo Montoya, between Westley, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and The Man in Black, and between the Grandfather and his Grandson

I enjoyed this book, and now I want to reread The Princess Bride (1973) by William Golden!

[Cecelia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read the book despite not having seen the movie. I liked it. Nictern's insight's about how to live sanely while seeking a loving heterosexual relationship made sense in the abstract, since I did not know who the characters were. Then sadly, I rented the movie and hated it. What a comedown! These deadpan slapstick spoofs of a genre have disappointed me in the past (Blazing Saddles, This is Spinal Tap, Life of Brian). Princess Bride was dumb too. It did not nudge my funny bone from it's boredom at all. Oh well. It's a cult film. The author has seen it a hundred times perhaps as a tonic for the doldrums. All I can say is I'm not cool I guess and I was glad when it finished. Sorry world!

[Jeff Wong · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun book. The Princess Bride was a favorite of mine long before Rob Reiner's movie came out and really made it a cult classic. This author's take on how many of the themes presented in the story are Buddhist (or as he says Buddh-ish) in nature are reasonably argued and for the most part seem right. There are a few stretches where the analogies are less clear but it isn't a fatal flaw for his premise as a whole. Anyone who liked the Princess Bride and doesn't know a lot about Buddhism will likely gain new insights -- others who have read more Buddhist thinkers and writings will get less out of it but it's still fun.

[Richard B · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an enjoyable exploration of some of the concepts of Shambala Buddhism viewed through the lens of the book and movie 'The Princess Bride'. Obviously, it helps if you have read the source book or viewed the movie at least once. If you have and if you enjoyed it as much as the author (and me) then this is an entertaining journey through some of the tenents of this branch of Buddhist thought as explained by the narrative of The Princess Bride. Part memoir, part dharma talk and part nerding out over a fantastic movie, this book is worth a read if any of the above interest you.

[Julie Akeman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was wondering to myself about how to make a new relationship work and last..I'm on the autism spectrum although I learned a lot I had to leave a toxic relationship and I want to make sure I don't pass on hurt so I took time alone...a coworker recommended this and I am a bit Princess Bride fan and this really helped with my issues and funny I am already on a similar practice though I am not Buddhist. It really cuts through all the typical thinking and behaviors that trip people up so I say yes READ THIS BOOK!

[Miranda Kruse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book in 2018 because it had my two favorite things on the cover - Buddhism and The Princess Bride - I couldn’t believe it. Then I didn’t make it through three chapters - I don’t think I was ready for it. Now, 7 years later, I can say I was so ready for it and it’s beautiful. I highlighted, drew smiley faces, and added post it notes all over this book. Four stars because some of it was hard to follow/maybe unnecessarily explanatory, but really who am I to judge? I just know if you’re somewhat in tune with Buddhism and have seen The Princess Bride, you’ll love this book 💛

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

More "Dharma" than "Princess Bride", the author uses characters and situations from the movie (and book) along with other pop culture references to teach and illustrate some basic Buddhist concepts. The book focuses mostly on our relationships to others and offers a lot of good ideas and advice concerning mindfulness, compassion, and forgiveness. A good book to check out if you are interested in Buddhism and/or a fan of "The Princess Bride", but not the fun, breezy read I thought it might be.

[Loretta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this. I am a huge fan of the movie, but never particularly thought about it as a "buddhist" movie. And Nichtern doesn't quite do that - it's more that he takes characters and elements from the movie and uses those as jumping off points to talk about, like the subtitle promises, Buddhism and Relationships. The writing is clear, honest, and funny, and I'd recommend it to anyone curious about Buddhism in the modern world.

[Barbara E. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing book! Such a good combination of memoir, spiritual text, and a willingness to acknowledge the role of pop culture in spiritual life, especially when it comes to how you understand you relationships. Some of the reviews here seem concerned that the book isn't enough about the Princess Bride, but I am so thankful, as a fan, that he gives sufficient attention to the movie without letting it take over his work.

I also highly highly recommend The Road Home by Nichtern as well.

[Gloria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book it's about how the Princess bride aligns with Buddhist thinking, the author uses the Princess Bride to look at relationships and what we can learn from them. It is also about how the book affected the author personally. If you liked the Princess Bride and also like Buddhism you are likely to find this a good read

[Seth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I went in expecting more about The Princess Bride (book & movie) or even the author’s relationship with Christopher Guest (his dad’s best friend) but instead I got a wonderful treatise on Buddhism and relationships. The subtitle really is the true title here, and that’s a great thing. If you enjoy The Princess Bride and you’ve ever meditated (Buddhist or otherwise) you should read the book.

[Marielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don’t know a lot about Buddhism but I do know a lot about The Princess Bride. So having the concepts of Buddhism presented through that lens was insightful. Listening to his failed dating history was less so. I got half way through and stalled out. But it is comforting that even enlightened Buddhist experts still have problems, too.

[Andrew Bowler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderful and wise and I was thrilled to see it as an audio book.

I have known and studied with Ethan for many years, so the way he thoughtfully lays out the terrific knowledge and insight in this book was no surprise.

But it was such an added joy to hear Ethan move into memoir territory with this book and share some of himself in order illuminate his teachings.

[Emily Overtino · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my new favorite author on Buddhism. Also, my favorite movie. But as long as you are interested in one of the two, and are looking for amazing and humble (to quote Christopher Guest) writing on relationships, you should grab this one yesterday.

[Nate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyable read making connections between Buddhist practice and insights from the Princess Bride, with an underlying argument that ancient ways of belief have relevance to modern life, and wisdom can be found in our contemporary culture that validates and complements these beliefs.