... But I'm NOT Racist!: Tools for Well-Meaning Whites

by Kathy Obear

Deepen your Resolve to Live as a Change Agent for Racial Justice Who would you be if you were no longer afraid someone would call you racist? What impact could you have if you had proven tools and techniques to create greater racial justice in your organization? For the past two decades as a speaker and an executive coach, Dr. Kathy Obear has helped thousands of whites find the courage to challenge and change the dynamics of racism in their organizations. Do you stay silent and hold back for fear of making a mistake? Or making things worse? Are there times you want to speak up, but don’t know how to interrupt racist dynamics or organizational practices? Do you sometimes feel alone, like you are the only one raising issues about racial justice in your organization? Through engaging stories and concrete examples and tools, Kathy shares her own personal struggles and the common challenges many whites face as they work to create more equitable, inclusive organizations. Find practical skills and strategies to move through your fear of being called racist and learn Speak up with greater confidence and clarity Engage racist comments to deepen learning and facilitate change Stop feeling so alone and isolated Respond effectively when colleagues call you racist or criticize your efforts Develop powerful partnerships to create meaningful change in your organization Read this book and find the inspiration and tools to deepen your resolve to live your values every day as a change agent for racial justice.

Genres: Nonfiction, Race, Anti Racist, Politics, Social Justice

118 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 16, 2017

Reviews

[Barbara (The Bibliophage) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I purchased this book on Inauguration Day, 2017. I finished it the day after 45 said he was the least racist person. Those are just two recent reasons reading this book is important to me. The others have to do with hundreds of years of white privilege, combined with oppression of people of color.

I also don't perceive myself as racist. I'm married to an Asian-American. I didn't grow up in an overtly racist household. But until now, I haven't examined the depth of white privilege I've been afforded. This book has helped me do that. It's written in straightforward way that doesn't waffle or leave wiggle room for well-meaning whites to assume they're not part of the ongoing challenge. At the same time, the author offers a variety of options to make change and acknowledges that the process never stops.

I can identify overt expressions of racism, but this book offers me language to confront that racism in a way I haven't always felt comfortable doing in the past. Dr. Obear also explains a variety of micro aggressions used against people of color. This was tremendously eye opening for me, and helped me to see where I have plenty of room for improvement.

In her acknowledgments Dr. Obear says, "And to all those who are rising up now, thank you for teaching me how to organize, protest, and refuse to be complacent and complicit. I honor you and thank you for continuing to energize us all as we do our part to manifest racial justice in ourselves, our organizations, our communities, our world. Together, we rise!"

I think I'll return to this book many times, and I expect to also use it as a starting point for more educational experiences.

[Allison Hurd · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am always looking for new materials to promote social justice. This one was (at the time) free, and I found it on social media.

I think the only chapters that had any merit, really, were chapters one, six and seven. Chapters three through five were a painful amount of groveling and anecdotal examples with no depth or explanation given.

Of the parts that were good:
-I think it does a decent job of giving a few working definitions of racism and privilege, though I've absolutely seen better (free) ones.
-I did really enjoy the parts about communicating discomfort as a white person in a racially charged situation, and allowing people to feel discomfort without shaming them. I think these (maybe 8 pages) were my biggest takeaway.

Really big problems:
-You don't call people just by their race! Not offended to be called "a white," I suppose, but you don't get to do that with other races, and it is a really poor example to set someone up that way. White people. White actors. White employers.
-The definitions didn't come until chapter six. The author harps on white fragility and privilege and microaggressions, but we don't actually learn about those until four chapters later. It appears that this author intended her work to be for people who know enough about racial issues to have the vocabulary, but not aware enough to feel safe expressing personal discomfort with some of the issues without being told in excruciating detail how the author could relate.
-There were plugs for her website and other people's more comprehensive works littered throughout in a sales-pitchy way. I would have preferred just to have had the information reiterated.

[Cari · Rating 2 out of 5]

Yeeeeesh. This is not, as the title suggests, a reader-friendly toolkit for unlearning racism. It's a rambling, stilted journal entry about the author's personal white guilt, and not a very well-edited one, either. It's mostly a loose connection of vague anecdotes about the author's racist microaggressions, plus a whooooole lot of talk about how terrible racism is...for white people. The guilt! The anxiety! The endless self-examination! I mean, I'm sure the author means well, and maybe she thought the fact that racism is worst for people of color goes without saying. But you'd think a book about racism would be self-aware enough to not focus exclusively on the tender feelings of white people and actually talk about, you know, the people racism really affects. Instead we get 118 pages of white-lady navel-gazing. Skip this book and go read some Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie instead.

[Kristina Coop-a-Loop · Rating 1 out of 5]

When reading Kathy Obear’s …But I’m Not Racist! Tools for Well-Meaning Whites, it’s best to remember that this is not a book about racism in America and how to combat it. It’s a manual dealing with workplace-based racial tensions. The “well-meaning whites” this manual is directed towards are white professional liberals. While reading this manual, it’s also best to keep in mind that Obear is a life coach, a profession I find dubious at best. Several times throughout the eight chapters she directs readers towards her website where they can enroll in Skype “executive” training or “life coaching” or buy her books. But I’m Not Racist is a sales pitch of sorts, a sample of the racism-sensitivity training she can offer to white professionals.

I’m going to start this review by saying that, generally, I agree with Obear: often white people engage in thoughtless ignorant and racist comments because they don’t understand they are being racist and it’s important to recognize this and correct this ignorance. This is my only criticism-free comment. This “how not to be racist” training manual for white people, while touching on the real-world consequences of racism (inequalities in education, health care, housing, employment, criminal justice—basically every facet of American life), is not about combating those very important things—at least not specifically. I don’t hold that against Obear because those issues go beyond the scope of this manual. Until, of course, she generally calls on her now enlightened whites to “create racial justice” (70). Whatever the hell she means by that. Does she mean in the workplace? In social gatherings? In real world America? Obear speaks in generalities too often. She generalizes “the whites” and she generalizes the “people of color.” This irritated me until I realized, that as a “life coach/sensitivity trainer,” she has to speak in generalities in order to drum up business. So her pattern of “all whites do this/feel like this” and “all POC do this/feel like this” makes sense to me. She has to sell you on guilt you may or may not feel (but, as a well-intentioned white liberal should feel) in order to market her training. That’s what I find so offensive about this manual: her business model is based on white liberal guilt, not offering any kind of real solutions to racial injustice. I don’t suggest she is a cynical opportunist; rather, like the ignorant but well-meaning whites she’s addressing, she’s oblivious that it comes across as a way of making whites feel better about their “microaggressions.”

I don’t like the term “microaggression.” It seems like professional babble created to redefine racism. In chapter 3, Obear lists examples of workplace based “microaggressions”: talking over/restating comments of POC, POC speakers needing to “prove” their competency, not greeting enthusiastically/at all POC colleagues, not giving POC speaker full attention, not following instructions given by POC, mispronouncing/using wrong names/titles for POC, not providing POC equal opportunities for training, etc. It’s an extensive list of what I would simply call racist behavior. If anything, I would say there’s “passive” racism and “overt” racism. The examples Obear provides are passive—the culprits may not be aware they are doing them (which I have a difficult time believing) but more likely aren’t self-aware enough to know why they are doing them and may not care. Overt racism to me is someone actively engaged in hurtful behavior because they know it’s hurtful and they gain emotional satisfaction from it: tipping over Jewish tombstones, engaging in racial epithets, burning crosses on the lawns of POC. Both kinds of racism are cause for concern and need to be addressed so I dislike the idea of racist behavior of any kind being downplayed as “micro” aggressive. It’s all destructive one way or another.

Obear throws around the words “white supremacy” and “white supremacists” a lot. I understand what she’s attempting to convey, but those words conjure up very specific images and have specific meanings. Obear would have been better served by describing what she meant specifically rather than relying on historically-loaded words. But her writing is full of generalities. Along with the sweeping rationalities she makes about whites and POC (and several paragraphs about weepy white women that caused a WTF moment for me), she puts a lot of words together that don’t always mean anything to me:

As you read about racist microaggressions and white privilege, I hope you choose to move through any debilitating guilt and shame you feel and realize the many ways you can effectively show up as a white change agent to shift racist interactions as well as dynamics of institutional racism. Most important, I hope you find the courage and compassion to participate in a community of white allies to continually do your self-work and develop deeper capacity to partner with people of color to create meaningful, sustainable change (10).

I’m troubled that Obear’s concern about racism isn’t necessarily because she is bothered by its hatefulness and its effect on non-white colleagues, but because she doesn’t like feeling bad about being racist. Sure, she gives lip service to racial justice and etc., but really it’s about making sure she isn’t “triggered” again because being called racist was so “traumatic” for her. It’s really about her and her feelings, and the feelings of other whites. The “white caucuses” she holds create safe environments for white people to confess their guilty racist thoughts: “It has been a gift to sit in these sacred spaces and support other whites as we face our fears and admit the racist attitudes and actions we commit in our organizations and in our daily lives” (12). Aren’t we all glad that the whites can get together and feel sad about being racists in such a comforting and supportive “sacred” space? Her white indulgence continues throughout the manual and reminds me so much of Roxanne Gay’s Bad Feminist book. Gay bravely admitted her failings: an attraction to men, her liking of the color pink, her enjoyment of misogynist media and then patted herself on the back for her courage to admit these failings. I’m a bad feminist and I admit it! she proclaims. Obear is much the same: she bravely admits her white privilege, her racist thoughts and behaviors, and oh, isn’t she so brave? But now she’s changed and she wants it acknowledged—look, POC! I was racist but now I care about you, oh, I care so much. What a load of horse shit. Yes, it’s good to be aware of your casual racism. But c’mon. You don’t deserve a damn medal for realizing it. And being polite at meetings and saying hi to Bob your POC colleague probably won’t do much to overcome the implementation of state voter I.D. laws (i.e. “keep black people from voting” laws). Does Bob even really give a shit if you like him? What’s missing from this feel-good-about-exploring-our-racism manual is any input at all from POC.

Obear’s exclusion of POC from the discussion of workplace racism is baffling and racist itself. She provides about five examples of workplace racism. All of them except the last example could have causes other than racism. Was racism in the mix? Probably, but what’s interesting is in all the examples, the POC is portrayed as being unreasonable. And by that I mean, when the POC confronts the offending white, the white is surprised/shocked and reasonably asks, well, what did I say/do that you consider racist? The POC, after flat-out accusing the white of being racist/making a racist remark, refuses to answer the question and stalks off in offended dignity. I would say it’s very passive-aggressive to call someone a racist but then refuse to explain why when asked. However, Obear explains this by saying it’s wrong for whites to ask POC to educate them about their behavior. It’s not a burden we should place on them and we need to seek our own enlightenment. Of course, when confronted, whites are not supposed to be silent either, as this also racist: “We may say we are giving people of color space to talk when in reality we are punishing them with the silent treatment for having the audacity to take us on. And even this thought of giving them space reflects the white supremacist belief that whites own time and space, and it is ours to allocate and use as we see fit” (13). I mean, WOW. So, if confronted about a possible racist comment, whites a) can’t ask what they did wrong because that’s racist and b) also can’t stay silent, because that is also racist. That’s quite a conundrum for the well-meaning white. What is he to do? Well, talk to other whites, silly! White allies, white mentors and white “change agents” (as Obear calls them) will explain to the hapless white racist why he’s racist. Whites educating whites about racism—what could be more perfect? “Whitesplaining”—explaining racism to POC—is a bad idea, but whites “whitesplaining” to each other about racism is good?

Obear makes much of the idea of white bias and how bad it is and poses this question to the reader (which she borrows from someone else): “When was the first time you realized you were white?” That’s a perfectly retarded question to ask a white person who grew up in a predominately white community in a white America. She may as well ask this white person: “When did you realize you breathe?” Being white in a white culture is all-encompassing. The norms, the prejudices, the biases, the racism—it’s all around you and you take it in because it’s not “white culture.” It’s just your world and it seems normal to you. The question to ask is “When did you realize you had white privilege?” or “When did you notice the inequality between whites and POC?” Or “Have you ever noticed instances of inequality between yourself and a POC?” In order to combat racism and racist biases, you first must notice that they exist and what you’ve been taught or think of as normal is (more than likely) unjust and dishonest. Woody Guthrie, in his autobiography Bound for Glory relates how/when he realized that everything he knew about black people was wrong. I read this book a long time ago, so my memory is a bit rusty, but he was very racist and wasn’t shy about it until it was brought to his attention by a black person asking him why he hated black people so much. Woody Guthrie, who had never questioned his white reality before, now did so and he changed. Getting a different perspective, preferably from the very group you have a bias against, is probably going to provide a more thorough change of heart than Obear’s network of white allies, mentors and “change agents.” Obear encourages her readers to take the Harvard Implicit Bias test. I was going to do this until I read several articles criticizing the test for engaging in unsound methodology that inaccurately measures implicit bias. If I can find this information during one afternoon of Google searches, I would think Obear, who considers herself some sort of expert, should have known this herself. This lack of information is a serious oversight for someone who is so concerned about racial harmony.

“I believe we create a learning environment within which whites can honestly look in the mirror, and without debilitating guilt and shame, authentically acknowledge their racist behaviors and attitudes as they make a renewed, deeply passionate choice to begin again and heal from their racist socialization” (21). Obear is oblivious as to how her concern for addressing racism comes across as shallow and self-serving. In this manual, racism seems to serve as a challenge for whites to overcome, an opportunity to show how humble they can be in admitting their mistakes—and how self-congratulatory they all feel when they’ve put racism behind them! Her concerns about racism are centered on how it makes whites feel—not the ugliness of it and the problems it causes POC. I fully expected Obear to thank POC for existing—without POC, no racism. Without racism, these “well-meaning whites” wouldn’t be able to feel so self-righteous about recognizing their flaws and correcting them. I don’t think Obear has kicked her racist habit; I think she’s merely disguising it by way of coaching other whites about their racism. Take this sentence: “I have been so overly focused on completing assignments and being on time, core white cultural norms, that I have often overlooked the common racist dynamics that occurred around me as I was focused on the task, not our process” (23). The italics are mine. I read that and laughed. If “completing assignments” and “being on time” are core white cultural norms, does that mean the inverse is true? Is she saying POC are tardy and don’t complete assignments? I think she’s trying to say that those two norms are pedantic and shouldn’t be as important as the seeking of knowledge, but why are they specifically “white”? It’s like she’s trying to insult the white cultural norms, but it’s not an insult. Being punctual and finishing assignments are generally good things…and apparently those are white good things.

The “white savior” syndrome also seems to affect Obear. She urges her readers to join AWARE (Alliance of White Anti-Racists Everywhere). Now, this group may do great work, but, taken with Obear’s reliance on fellow whites to bring about social justice and the complete shut-out of POC (except as objects of pity), her calling attention to it made me laugh (again). My thoughts: “Don’t worry black people! White people are here to help!” Well, as long as it makes us feel better about ourselves. As Obear says:

White people will feel such relief from guilt and shame as we make our own personal reparations and amends for the racist comments and actions in our past. As we pay it forward in our work with other whites, we feel energized as we honestly share our stories of racist actions to support other whites on their journey to healing and self-awareness (37).

Well, thank Jesus that white people (who undergo her sensitivity training) will be rid of all that pesky guilt! And isn’t it great that these liberated, now guilt-free whites will go on to guide other whites towards healing and self-awareness? The lack of self-awareness necessary to be able to write about gaining white guilt-free self-awareness boggles my mind. But hey, it’s great that Obear and her army of “white allies” and “white change agents” can go about their lives footloose and fancy free of America’s ongoing inequalities caused by racism.

Obear closes out her “racism for enlightened white dummies” manual with yet another self-congratulatory pat on the back:

Given all the white privilege I receive, whatever problems or challenges I experience when I speak up pale in comparison to what people of color experience every day. And the benefits far outweigh any costs. I get to wake up, look in the mirror, and know that I am doing my part to create greater justice and liberation (70).

Hooray for Dr. Kathy Obear!

Obviously, I do not recommend this book to anyone to understand racism or to be more sensitive to it. If you’re already concerned enough to worry about your biases and white privilege, then I’d say you’re already a million steps ahead of lots of other people. White prejudices or biases—whatever you want to call them—are difficult to recognize and rise above. As humans, we’re all susceptible to racist thoughts/feelings, but what matters is our response to those thoughts. Obear’s use of whites to teach other whites about the wrongs of racism is inadequate. If you want to know about racism, read the great African-American authors. Read about slavery and Jim Crow South. Experience the world through another person’s skin. That, to me, is a better way of being self-aware and combating your racist biases.

[Davy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm only 40% of the way through the book, so this is subject to change. But so far, I am really not getting what I'd hoped I'd get from this. This mostly feels like a reflective paper someone wrote on their own personal experience, and not at all like a guidebook as advertised.

Over a 3rd of the way through and the only reasons the author has given for white people not to be racist is, a) It sucks that being racist hurts our reputations around POC! and b) Racism sucks for white people too (because just sucking for POC isn't enough)! Sometimes we have to stop hanging out with our incredibly racist pals, and this makes us lonely and triggered! (Note: I don't think she uses "triggered" right.)

I may someday attempt to finish reading this, for due diligence. But I really wanted a good book which said, "Yeah, you ARE racist, all white people are inevitably thanks to our society, and of course ANYONE being mistreated is reason enough to want to stop it even if it doesn't hurt you personally, now here is how you can actively work against it for the rest of your life". I wanted a book that really held me accountable for my internalized racism and my actions because of it.

I did NOT want a book which said, "It's SO HARD being white, we need to be MUCH NICER to white racists, let's spend this entire time focusing on white feelings (guilt, shame, embarrassment, pain, being "triggered" by being called racist, sadness, loneliness, etc) as opposed to how POC feel, and let's refocus the conversation about racism even more on white people and talk only about how it hurts us, personally, because why else would we care?"

I'm happy for this author thinking about racism and how to end it and how to address it within herself and others. I DO think that the author has done significant work on self-educating and addressing her internalized racism. I think she makes it clear that racism is far worse for POC than for white people. But that statement isn't actually reflected in how LITTLE she talks about the effect on POC vs how MUCH she talks about white people's feelings being hurt. This book is so filled with "I'm the victim here!!!" that it is VERY hard to get through.

Maybe this is helpful for some white people who need to be coddled into accepting they might possibly be a little bit racist. I personally believe it's important from day 1 to let people know EXACTLY how much racism will be accepted (NONE), as opposed to leading them up to it step by step. My white friends and my non-white friends do not hold my hand when it comes to racism. They call me the fuck out. It took time getting used to being called out, but it is CRUCIAL that I learned (and continue to learn) how to be. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I feel a little embarrassed or ashamed or hurt! It is NOTHING compared to what POC have to face every day just for existing. Feelings are going to be hurt and that's OKAY. They SHOULD be hurt. We are all hurting from racism. So this "compassion, love, peace, only good feelings" stuff... I don't think it works, plain and simple. And it lets people who are MILDLY racist, or somewhat LESS racist than before, still get away with being racist, at all, to any degree, all the while being celebrated for their progress.

I'm hoping against hope this book has a positive impact. But it comes with so many problematic side notes that in the long run, for a person looking to really delve deeply and authentically into their racism, I don't think this is nearly good enough.

[Craig W. Beebe · Rating 2 out of 5]

The fact that this book presents a topic important enough to warrant a comment gets it two stars. Unfortunately, beyond it's topical significance, it didn't do much to expand the conversation for me. I do appreciate that this was an extensive personal reflection, but I was frequently left asking myself: "If the social justice trainers behave in such a racist way all the time, what hope is there for the rest of us?" This book also demonstrates how difficult it is to write a personal reflection. The recommended dialogues do not approach anything resembling natural conversation. The constant plugs for the author's own website make this feel like a promotional pamphlet. There are some good resources, but they are better utilized by simply reading the originals.

[Dani Barnes · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was pretty basic and gave a few suggestions about phrasing responses to micro-aggressions, which I found useful. This book seems like the first step in a long journey so it definitely seemed rudimentary, but I think it'd be super useful for everyone to read.

[Tosha Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tone

I can't quite put my thumb on it but the tone of the writing set me back. In many ways, I found the author angry and aggressive in the communication of topics. The tone was a distraction to the message.

[Kathryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, this makes you take a good look at yourself, how much of a white upbringing you had, and the white privilege you've probably been clinging onto without realising it. As for the tools provided, I feel like it was the same tool worded in different ways throughout the however many pages this is. There is a lot of repetition and it was just a little too dramatic at times for me to take Kathy's experiences as seriously as I probably should've done. Saying that, this does make you think and I don't regret reading it because it has helped me take a good look at myself and my whiteness so... if there's a copy lying around then I would say pick it up.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

It seems a bit self indulgent with her constantly referring to herself. I think it's well intentioned but what did she say about intentions vs impact.

I think it's great the author wanted to tackle this and share her insights.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was interesting, and a quick read. Though the people who need to read it the most will pass by it because they don't see their white privilege. I'm glad I read it, I've been working especially hard to stay "woke" going into my hopeful teaching career.

[Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was like a punch to the gut in several places. It makes you really think about your own attitudes and actions and how they affect others. Great read!

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good starting point for a lot of white folks looking to engage in anti-racist work. I wished it would have dug a bit deeper on a lot of the examples--especially on modeling the various strategies the author suggested.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

UPDATE: Finished it. It didn't get any better. At all.

I'm only about 70% done, so this may change and I will update when I finish. Right now though, I do NOT like this book. I was hoping for real content, and I am getting nothing but rambling anecdotes that are painful to read (because they need an editor, not because of the content). Have of the sentences begin with "I..." or have "...I..." somewhere in it.

First, it's not a manual, it's not a tool kit. It's a (bad) memoir about the author's guilt and shame and denial and acceptance of her own racism/white priviledge. I'm not convinced that she is a "change agent" so much as a life coach trying to make her clients stop feeling guilty. I'm not convinced she's well-meaning herself.

Second, it's not for well-meaning whites. It's for white people who don't want to feel guilty but don't really want to change either. It's for people who can afford a life coach.

And its not good.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely a good starter book, but I wish it went a little more in depth.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a good introductory book for well-meaning whites. It's perfect for the person who theoretically understands white privilege, but finds themselves rejecting its existence in their everyday life.

I was disappointed with the tools provided to engage other white people when we hear racist remarks or see racist behavior. However, the book did serve as an excellent reminder not to hide behind my white privilege.

[Krista Joy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great intro to the topic but I thought it needed more examples and specifics to be more helpful for me.

[skullface · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are a few great takeaways for how to interact with white people as a white person about racism between lots of white guilt anecdotes. The author presents her struggles & fuckups in a way that's supposed to feel relatable, but often feels like meandering complaining. I would recommend this to a "recently woke" white person who won't be put off by the tone as it's not at all welcoming for those who haven't realized their complicity in and benefit from white supremacy. The valuable parts of the book, the "Tools" in the title, provide scripts and discussion prompts for you as a white change agent to talk to other white people about racism.

The only real issue I had was the overuse and misuse of the word "triggered." Sentences read like unfunny SJW parodies the way the author uses an important term for persons with mental illnesses. That has to go, like, yesterday.

Otherwise, a quick read (when you skim over the personal history/reflection sections) for white people to remind themselves not to feel good about being a not-shit person and to help other white people be less shitty.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're white and you care about racism, I recommend you read this book. There is a lot about the author's personal and professional experience fighting racism and becoming a better white ally. Some of the vocabulary is a little specialized and academic; however, there is a glossary on the author's website. Even though I'm not white, I think it was worth reading because I got it for free on the 2017 inauguration. Concepts can be applied to being a better ally to other marginalized groups as well.

[Kyre · Rating 3 out of 5]

Much of it felt like anecdotal rambling. Often times feeling like a request for self validation on the author's part Some parts were good and can be useful in an office setting. I may just look at the resource list for further reading. I have no desire to check out the author's website because of it getting referenced which is actually the part where I started to really get bored and annoyed a bit.

[Corey Dutson · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting though short read.

Not as many tools as I would have wanted or expected, and there was a lot of repetition that could have been cut out. The discussion examples also seemed... far-fetched. Not in their context, but in the literal wordiness of the responses given by the author slide into the kinds of one-sided conversations that one would have in the shower when having those pretend conversations. Also, the use of the word "triggered" was excessive. I'm not saying that it's not a legitimate term, far from, but I'm sure some varience in synonyms wouldn't have gone amiss.

For it's flaws, this book was an interesting, and at times revealing read. It got me thinking about some assumptions I had in how I could help PoC (and other marginalized groups); it's difficult to articulate those thoughts here. It helped reaffirm some things I had thought, but also expanded not just my viewpoints, but has provided at least a couple starting points to try and be a better ally as a white person.

[Nikki Laird · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource for white people who want to do anti-racist work, whether they are just starting out or have been doing this work for a while. Kathy shows unbelievable vulnerability as she shares her own mistakes as a well-meaning white person and how she moved past them. These deeply compelling anecdotes are paired with realistic and practical strategies that white people can use to do self-work, confront racist behaviors in other white people, and react when they inevitably make mistakes. After reading this book, I feel a renewed sense of purpose and greater confidence in my own work to dismantle racism.

[Jami Good · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some useful info

I expected a more concise list of suggestions for working with white people to dismantle racism, but I still found many thoughts to highlight and some ideas to try. So, useful, but could be pared down to basics.

[Carolyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Agree with other reviews. . . raised issues of white privilege and personal self-reflection, but tools for well meaning whites were not forthcoming.

[Jenevieve · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review first published on My Blog.

Dr. Obear has been working to be an agent for racial justice so it was quite the surprise when a person of color came up to her at a workshop and told her that something she said was racist. It hit home in a very personal way and she holed up, afraid to misspeak and be called out again. What happened then was a transformation in the way she approached her calling. Here, she teaches through personal examples how to open your heart and mind to being an agent for racial justice and how to approach it with more mindfulness.

I admit, I have always been open about wanting racial justice but until the last couple of years I hadn't really thought about what that meant or how to go about affecting any change. Heck, it was only maybe two years ago that I did anything more than say I was color blind and raising my children that way. I started waking up about that time to the suffering around me and the privilege to which I had and realized that I needed to do better, both as a person but also as a parent to educate my children to their own privilege and how we need to work to bring equality to all. I'm still learning and I have so very much to learn but this was a helpful book and I appreciated it. Much of it was geared towards how to facilitate racial justice in group environments which at the moment is not super relevant to me but is good to know. A lot of it is techniques for how to engage, meaningfully and purposefully with those that are using racist language in the hopes of opening a dialogue for them to see the hurt they are causing. I found those things very helpful and plan to keep rereading some of those passages so I can learn to not be silent when it comes up. I need to work harder to find my voice to say that these things are not right and I hope that the tools she has given here will help me to do so.

[Julian Dunn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some good information, but is a long way from the "tools" that the title claims it will provide. Instead, as other reviewers have noted, it suffers too much from Obear's turning it into a memoir of her own journey of getting beyond the guilt and shame of being called out as a facilitator exhibiting racist behaviors and attitudes. It seems like Obear still hasn't fully processed this in a way that would allow her to summarize those lessons in a book such as this. One sign is in her lack of specifics around each incident in which she was called out, so that her readers could learn from them, and judge for themselves.

Setting aside the excessive focus on "I" and "white" (those two words must appear at least 1,000 times in this book), there are still a few chapters -- 6 and 7 in particular -- that are worth a read, because Obear finally gets down to brass tacks and talks about tactics without couching them in canned activist/coaching rhetorical devices (e.g. "inviting" people rather than "asking", "holding space", "microaggressions", etc.). Perhaps there are better resources in the world other than Obear's book that make good on explaining these tactics without having to slog through what amounts to a personal confessional first. But I'm still glad I got the information in the end.

[Ryan Spearer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the privilege of having Kathy as a facilitator a few years ago. I can attest that she is a dynamic and engaging presenter with a commitment to social justice. I was excited when this book was offered through my department at no cost. It is a best designed for White folx who are interested in a broad introduction to white privilege and white fragility and some tools that can be used towards having more productive conversations around race. I applaud Kathy's vulnerability in sharing so many personal examples from her own life/career and taking accountability for her actions. I do agree with some other reviews that it can feel drawn out at times. Kathy's examples center mostly in the workplace. I would have loved to see this expanded more to capture a wider audience. And yes, she does often refer readers to different resources (some of which are her own) as some reviews pointed out. However, this book is meant to introduce readers to the topics presented and should be explored further. I personally enjoyed having other resources to check out in my own education and understanding.

[Phil Brandvold · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I was hoping for

I was hoping for some practical ways I can recognize my own unconscious biases, racist thoughts, and racist actions. I was also hoping for some practica tools to open dialogue when I come across the same in other people. What this book ended up being was mostly anecdotal ramblings and naval gazing by the author. There were definitely helpful things, and that’s why it’s getting three stars and not fewer. However, the helpful chapters were few and far between for what I was looking for.

The author doesn’t do a great job of defining the language she uses until about halfway through the book. She also tends to give examples from her own life without landing on anything concrete about how to navigate similar situations in another setting or how you, the reader, can apply what she learned in your life. She mentions processes like “PAIR” without ever explaining what that actually means.

There are some helpful things but ultimately this book fell flat for me.

[Melia Dunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book Kathy is honest and vulnerable. She models humility and ownership of behaviors that undermined her desire to be an advocate in social justice work. Sharing her stories openly provides a safe space for any reader to reflect on our own implicit bias, socialized behaviors and gain tools for unlearning the yuck we've learned.

Well meaning whites who read this book and are open to messages will gain awareness and tools to start minimizing the gap between our good intentions and the ACTUAL impact we have on others.

This was a transformational tool for me in my (unending) white anti-racist journey and I love sharing it with others. Plus the discussion tools available free on her website are such a gift. The more folks who read this book and integrate new practices the better.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

very relatable as a half white woman reading this - all the guilt, shame, embarrassment, and desire to do better (but sometimes frozen and self destructive in the process). she proposes to consider impact not intent of our words. and she proposes that we should not be doing social justice work to help poc but rather to help ourselves otherwise we will fall off when it becomes tough. she shares a gift has been relationships w poc who will give honest feedback and help her grow. she shares she was for a long time frozen in white fragility and it was a white mentor who helped her work through the criticism. as jfk said "to whom much is given, much is required"