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Good Girls Marry Doctors: South Asian American Daughters on Obedience and Rebellion
GOOD GIRLS MARRY DOCTORS: SOUTH ASIAN AMERICAN DAUGHTERS ON OBEDIENCE AND REBELLION, edited by Piyali Bhattacharya, is the first anthology to examine the multiple facets of daughterhood in South Asian American families.
212 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 10, 2016
82 people are currently reading
1944 people want to read
About the author
Piyali Bhattacharya
7 books21 followersPiyali Bhattacharya is Writer-in-Residence at Vanderbilt University where she teaches and writes fiction and nonfiction. Her short stories and essays have appeared in Ploughshares, Literary Hub, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, National Geographic and elsewhere. She is the editor of the anthology Good Girls Marry Doctors: South Asian American Daughters on Obedience and Rebellion (Aunt Lute Books, 2016). The book was awarded gold medals from the Independent Publisher Book Awards and the Next Generation Indie Book Awards, among others. It also received a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, and was named an "Asian American Literary Achievement of 2016" by NBC, a "Best Nonfiction Book of 2016" by Entropy, and listed among the "10 Essential Books about the Immigrant Experience" by Publishers Weekly. Piyali is currently at work on her first novel.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 79 reviews
December 9, 2016
This was an amazing anthology of personal stories (on "obedience and rebellion"). There's just something so wonderful about feeling seen and heard; this is something everyone who ever hears me talk about this book will get tired of hearing, because it's what I've said every time I've said anything about this book to anyone. All of the stories struck me, they were heartbreaking, sometimes funny, poignant, healing. Some that I felt particularly close to really resonated with me. I feel like I really need to think about this, go back and visit each story, and even then I wouldn't be ready to write everything I've felt and am feeling if I was given a week to write it all down. I've marked this book with little post-its. I want to buy this book for other people. I want you to read it! If you're thinking of reading this, get your hands on a copy, read it!
I feel like this anthology gave a fairly multifaceted view of our lives as South Asian American daughters. There are so many ways to be, there are so many ways our parents are. This book doesn't put us or our parents into boxes, it's honest and brave in how lays-it-all-out-there it is. Thank you to all the contributors, honestly. This is such an important book and I know it must have taken a lot to write each of the pieces.
Don't skip the foreword or introduction, either. They are both also great and amazing and you need to read them. The book also has a 'contributor biographies' section at the back which is great for learning a little bit more about the contributors and other things they have done!
Oh, something else I liked about this book was the variety of ages of the women contributing. It's always nice to hear from women older than me, who survived teenagerhood and their twenties before me. It's nice to know there were those who came before you, who understand, who have MADE IT, WHO ARE EXISTING.
Of course, being an anthology of personal stories, some of these resonate more with me than others. BUT, all of them moved me. And I feel like there are some stories that will grow in importance to me as I move through my life and enter different stages. I feel like there are stories in here that would be so helpful to point out to people, if you know the stories and if you know what someone is going through and what they need. As I said, being seen and heard. Knowing people have come before you.
I want to keep this book in my backpack-purse-thing all the time. I want to tell my friends all about it. I want to offer it to my mother for her reading (scary! a blog post about my feelings on this all on its own!).
I LOVE THIS BOOK
I feel like this anthology gave a fairly multifaceted view of our lives as South Asian American daughters. There are so many ways to be, there are so many ways our parents are. This book doesn't put us or our parents into boxes, it's honest and brave in how lays-it-all-out-there it is. Thank you to all the contributors, honestly. This is such an important book and I know it must have taken a lot to write each of the pieces.
Don't skip the foreword or introduction, either. They are both also great and amazing and you need to read them. The book also has a 'contributor biographies' section at the back which is great for learning a little bit more about the contributors and other things they have done!
Oh, something else I liked about this book was the variety of ages of the women contributing. It's always nice to hear from women older than me, who survived teenagerhood and their twenties before me. It's nice to know there were those who came before you, who understand, who have MADE IT, WHO ARE EXISTING.
Of course, being an anthology of personal stories, some of these resonate more with me than others. BUT, all of them moved me. And I feel like there are some stories that will grow in importance to me as I move through my life and enter different stages. I feel like there are stories in here that would be so helpful to point out to people, if you know the stories and if you know what someone is going through and what they need. As I said, being seen and heard. Knowing people have come before you.
I want to keep this book in my backpack-purse-thing all the time. I want to tell my friends all about it. I want to offer it to my mother for her reading (scary! a blog post about my feelings on this all on its own!).
I LOVE THIS BOOK
January 14, 2020
I have mixed feelings about this book. I think it’s a great read for first-gen South Asian women. It touches on a lot of issues that are considered taboo in South Asian culture: sexual orientation, non-traditional careers, abuse, and more. And some of the essays were fantastic. But many of them did not live up to my expectations.
For example, in one of the essays, a woman spends the whole time explaining how she didn’t see herself following her fathers wishes to marry young, and wanted to stay single until she was thirty and wrote books about that etc. In the end, she ends up getting married young just as her father wanted and instead sends the message of “well, I did it like he wanted but I did it for ME not him so it’s fine.” A lot of the stories go like this. Another, for example, focuses on a woman who didn’t want to obey her parents wishes of marrying a Parsi man, but in the end, ends up marrying a Parsi man. It felt silly. What’s the point of including so many essays about rebellion that ultimately actually end in traditional conformity?
I also felt like the majority of essays focused on the same couple of topics, so it felt a bit repetitive at times.
Overall, I think it’s a worthwhile read for South Asian women (if anything to find some comfort in others’ stories of the relatable struggles of being first-gen), but it unfortunately wasn’t as moving or influential as I had thought it might be.
For example, in one of the essays, a woman spends the whole time explaining how she didn’t see herself following her fathers wishes to marry young, and wanted to stay single until she was thirty and wrote books about that etc. In the end, she ends up getting married young just as her father wanted and instead sends the message of “well, I did it like he wanted but I did it for ME not him so it’s fine.” A lot of the stories go like this. Another, for example, focuses on a woman who didn’t want to obey her parents wishes of marrying a Parsi man, but in the end, ends up marrying a Parsi man. It felt silly. What’s the point of including so many essays about rebellion that ultimately actually end in traditional conformity?
I also felt like the majority of essays focused on the same couple of topics, so it felt a bit repetitive at times.
Overall, I think it’s a worthwhile read for South Asian women (if anything to find some comfort in others’ stories of the relatable struggles of being first-gen), but it unfortunately wasn’t as moving or influential as I had thought it might be.
November 5, 2016
This book was an interesting read. All 26 stories are written by women, a few Muslims, mostly Indian/Pakistanis, and some queers. I think the title of the book is a little misleading. However, there was a lot of truth written within these pages that many South Asian girls/women will be familiar with. I would LOVE to read an anthology like this but full of stories by Muslim South Asian women that I could relate to more, so if you know any, please recommend :)
November 6, 2023
I am *incredibly* grateful to this book for putting so many of my lived and personal experiences in writing. Even those essays with an occasional clumsy sentence were, to me, perfect in their imperfection. Fellow South Asian women, get your hands on a copy of this ASAP.
December 20, 2017
This anthology just really didn't resonate with me for some reason. I just couldn't find an author whose writing really grabbed me. That said, this is a group of writers whose voices aren't typically heard, and so I'm glad that I gave this book a chance.
July 28, 2018
The context should have resonated, and it did. The personal stories, not so much.
July 9, 2020
I highly highly recommend this to anyone, but especially South Asian women. I really appreciated the wide representation of different ethnicities, religions, and sexualities. One thing I did notice was a lack of class diversity; there were notably fewer mentions of women who grew up low-income. The stories resonated nonetheless. There were two stories that even brought me to tears just because I felt so understood while reading them. As a Bangladeshi-American woman in her twenties, I truly believed I read this at the right time in my life, and I will continue to reflect on these stories and remember how they made me feel.
December 24, 2019
In between the stories of teen angst, surprisingly supportive parents and a fair number of lesbian love tales there's a fair bit of representation in this book in terms of sexuality, religion, caste, etc. However, there could be more especially in terms of socioeconomic status. It felt like a book firmly for middle to upper middle class Indians, namely those whose parents migrated post 1965 with multiple degrees and a steady source of income.
June 23, 2017
everyone should read this book
October 10, 2017
Fantastic anthology, equal parts heartwrenching, funny, and illuminating. So glad I read this.
May 16, 2023
A really wonderful anthology of essays by South Asian American women, and a very painful one. I keep reading things like this looking for answers to my questions-how do I navigate all of this? There are no satisfying answers. But at the very, very least, we are not alone in these struggles. At the very least, there are others who understand our specific struggles. I'll definitely come back to this book often. I'm glad it exists.
January 7, 2024
Finished this in less than a week and loved it! I appreciated the diversity of experiences; each time I felt as if a perspective was missing, it showed up a few chapters later.
Read
February 17, 2020I don’t really feel comfortable rating people’s personal essay’s about their lived experiences, but it was an enjoyable read.
Full review:
I think the book is overall empowering and eye-opening, however, I did see some problematic aspects and some things that I had misconceptions about. For starters, I wasn’t able to relate to the essays as much as I thought I would because this felt a little dated, in the sense that all the authors seemed like full-on millennials (i.e. now in their late 20’s and 30’s), and I don’t really identify with a lot of “millennial culture,” and especially Indian-Canadian/American millennial culture. I also think that as someone in their earl 20’s right now, my struggles and the world around me is much much different from those who are 10 or more years older than me and what they went through. I also wasn’t able to relate to a lot of the Indian American aspects, given that I am Indo-Canadian and I feel the culture here is much different (America is more of a melting pot country, Canada embraces multiculturalism) and the lived experiences I think are much more different than what Indian Americans go through.
I was also disappointed with the lack of Punjabi/Sikh rep in this book, I felt like most of it was focused on Bengali or Bangladeshi women and Muslim/Hindu women, which I, unfortunately, can not relate to. I also personally identify much closer with the distinct Punjabi culture over the broader Indian culture, so that was also why I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I thought I would.
Now for the problematic bits: I felt like many of the essays was bordering the line of judging women who live their lives differently from the authors. Now, this may seem weird since almost all the women in this book live “alternative” lives and therefore you wouldn’t expect a critique like that. However, I felt like a lot of times, many of the authors were almost judging women who chose a traditional life path, or marrying a doctor/lawyer/engineer, or not living independently, or in one of the essays, I felt like the author was judging Indian American women who post themselves in traditional suits in one picture then in booty shorts in the next picture. I think that whether a person picks a traditional path or picks a different path, they are both valid and either choice is empowering in its own way. I have always hated the trope of hating on girls for being “basic” and I was getting a huge vibe of doing just that in a lot of the essays. I think there is a way of empowering women, no matter what life path they take, but this book seemed to lose that sense of being a judgement-free zone, especially when it came to people who stick to the status quo.
Full review:
I think the book is overall empowering and eye-opening, however, I did see some problematic aspects and some things that I had misconceptions about. For starters, I wasn’t able to relate to the essays as much as I thought I would because this felt a little dated, in the sense that all the authors seemed like full-on millennials (i.e. now in their late 20’s and 30’s), and I don’t really identify with a lot of “millennial culture,” and especially Indian-Canadian/American millennial culture. I also think that as someone in their earl 20’s right now, my struggles and the world around me is much much different from those who are 10 or more years older than me and what they went through. I also wasn’t able to relate to a lot of the Indian American aspects, given that I am Indo-Canadian and I feel the culture here is much different (America is more of a melting pot country, Canada embraces multiculturalism) and the lived experiences I think are much more different than what Indian Americans go through.
I was also disappointed with the lack of Punjabi/Sikh rep in this book, I felt like most of it was focused on Bengali or Bangladeshi women and Muslim/Hindu women, which I, unfortunately, can not relate to. I also personally identify much closer with the distinct Punjabi culture over the broader Indian culture, so that was also why I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I thought I would.
Now for the problematic bits: I felt like many of the essays was bordering the line of judging women who live their lives differently from the authors. Now, this may seem weird since almost all the women in this book live “alternative” lives and therefore you wouldn’t expect a critique like that. However, I felt like a lot of times, many of the authors were almost judging women who chose a traditional life path, or marrying a doctor/lawyer/engineer, or not living independently, or in one of the essays, I felt like the author was judging Indian American women who post themselves in traditional suits in one picture then in booty shorts in the next picture. I think that whether a person picks a traditional path or picks a different path, they are both valid and either choice is empowering in its own way. I have always hated the trope of hating on girls for being “basic” and I was getting a huge vibe of doing just that in a lot of the essays. I think there is a way of empowering women, no matter what life path they take, but this book seemed to lose that sense of being a judgement-free zone, especially when it came to people who stick to the status quo.
May 2, 2018
The narratives told in this collection of essays are important for the world to hear. Our generation of first generation South Asian women is a confused and conflicted one, and only now do I fully appreciate that we really are caught between two cultures, simultaneously enamored with and disillusioned by both, unsure of where we belong or what belonging even feels like. I give this piece three stars not as a reflection of the book's power or its ability to evoke thought and emotion - it has an abundance of both - but as an indication of my level of enjoyment while reading it. I did enjoy it, but only just: Sometimes this book hits too close to home. That being said, this work is well worth reading, especially for the older generation of South Asian parents who might be bewildered by their Western-born children, who appear to be acting out, rebelling, or leading lives that seem completely opposed to the culture of their ancestors. However, I can also see many South Asian girls who are still mired in anger over the confusing cultural landscapes they have had to navigate turning to this book and using it to justify that anger, to remain stuck in pessimism. This book needs to be appreciated for what it is - a resource for first generation desis to find release in seeing their struggles given voice in literature, to find community and warmth where before they may have felt alone. I urge any South Asian young woman reading this book to use it as fuel for a positive vortex of discussion and understanding - not as fodder for a conflagration born of of pent-up frustration.
March 23, 2025
Anytime someone said their dad is a doctor, my eyes just glossed over. Some of the stories were just giving Mindy Kaling and "the white kids said my food smelled." But also I think I'm not helping any problems if I criticize brown women for speaking about common brown women experiences, even if those are from a straight or wealthy lens.
The second half of the book saved this for me. There are some deeply beautiful queer stories, and a couple that reckon with the brown female body and mind, which really resonated with me.
In a Medical Humanities & Asian American Studies Symposium I went to, the panelists had a long conversation about the Asian American household as a disabling structure, which has lived rent-free in my head since. This anthology is all about kinship ties and the South Asian family structure, and now until my head splits I will continue to think about disobedience and memory and the fate of a brown woman.
The second half of the book saved this for me. There are some deeply beautiful queer stories, and a couple that reckon with the brown female body and mind, which really resonated with me.
In a Medical Humanities & Asian American Studies Symposium I went to, the panelists had a long conversation about the Asian American household as a disabling structure, which has lived rent-free in my head since. This anthology is all about kinship ties and the South Asian family structure, and now until my head splits I will continue to think about disobedience and memory and the fate of a brown woman.
Read
December 2, 2016305.48914 G6462 2016
June 27, 2017
what an awesome anthology.
August 25, 2019
Finally, a real conversation with my father, finally I'm good enough.
He leans forward. "So, when are you guys having kids?"
I am shocked. "I just got married. To a Parsi. When will you stop harassing me?"
His face lights up. "You don't know the order of things? After marriage, there is a child," he counts on his finger. "Then the second child. Then doing your children's navjote ceremony so they can be proper Parsis, then getting the children married. To nice Parsi boys, don't forget," he laughs. "It never ends."
There it is. My life preordained. The weight of it settles on my chest. The hurt of it lingers.
- from "Breathe" by Phiroozeh Petigara
A beautiful collection of personal essays, that provides a glimpse into the home lives, personal lives and rage of women who feel trapped within the framework of what is required of being a "good girl" ... though these are stories of normal women. Brave, strong, powerful, honest and beautiful women, some of whom are loved and accepted for who they are, who they love, the careers they chose ... and some who are not. Wonderful, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes funny.
Standout essays:
• "My Mother, the Rebel" by Jabeen Akhtar (about a mother who starts attending protests, and her daughter who rebels by becoming a part of the system)
• "Someday Never Comes" by Rajpreet Heir (about a high school girl touring college campuses with her twin brother, and the double standards of expectations)
• "The Day I Found Out I Was a Witch" by Fawzia Mirza (about a woman whose mother told her to stay away from boys, and accused her of being demon-possessed when she came out as lesbian)
• "Patti Smith in the Dark" by Jyothi Natajan (about sexuality, patriarchy, and a mother who, when both her adult daughters say they are not going to marry their long-term partners, insists on buying them Vitamix blenders because they won't get any wedding presents)
• "What It Looks Like to Grow" by Ankita Rao (about the family's silence around the author's anorexia)
• "Breathe" (as shown in quote above, about a woman who grew up in Canada, but it still expected to follow the traditions and expectations of her parents' culture)
• "Operation Make My Family Normal" by Mathangi Subramanian (about a young girl's attempts to make her family celebrate "normal, American" Thanksgiving, because of her shame around her family being immigrants from India)
He leans forward. "So, when are you guys having kids?"
I am shocked. "I just got married. To a Parsi. When will you stop harassing me?"
His face lights up. "You don't know the order of things? After marriage, there is a child," he counts on his finger. "Then the second child. Then doing your children's navjote ceremony so they can be proper Parsis, then getting the children married. To nice Parsi boys, don't forget," he laughs. "It never ends."
There it is. My life preordained. The weight of it settles on my chest. The hurt of it lingers.
- from "Breathe" by Phiroozeh Petigara
A beautiful collection of personal essays, that provides a glimpse into the home lives, personal lives and rage of women who feel trapped within the framework of what is required of being a "good girl" ... though these are stories of normal women. Brave, strong, powerful, honest and beautiful women, some of whom are loved and accepted for who they are, who they love, the careers they chose ... and some who are not. Wonderful, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes funny.
Standout essays:
• "My Mother, the Rebel" by Jabeen Akhtar (about a mother who starts attending protests, and her daughter who rebels by becoming a part of the system)
• "Someday Never Comes" by Rajpreet Heir (about a high school girl touring college campuses with her twin brother, and the double standards of expectations)
• "The Day I Found Out I Was a Witch" by Fawzia Mirza (about a woman whose mother told her to stay away from boys, and accused her of being demon-possessed when she came out as lesbian)
• "Patti Smith in the Dark" by Jyothi Natajan (about sexuality, patriarchy, and a mother who, when both her adult daughters say they are not going to marry their long-term partners, insists on buying them Vitamix blenders because they won't get any wedding presents)
• "What It Looks Like to Grow" by Ankita Rao (about the family's silence around the author's anorexia)
• "Breathe" (as shown in quote above, about a woman who grew up in Canada, but it still expected to follow the traditions and expectations of her parents' culture)
• "Operation Make My Family Normal" by Mathangi Subramanian (about a young girl's attempts to make her family celebrate "normal, American" Thanksgiving, because of her shame around her family being immigrants from India)
December 27, 2021
Fascinating!
I'm so thankful to these women for sharing their personal stories. If can't have been easy to put your personal details out there for others to read and possibly judge.
These stories were interesting, sometimes funny, sometimes heartwrenching and sad, and often very relatable.
Definitely worth a read.
I'm so thankful to these women for sharing their personal stories. If can't have been easy to put your personal details out there for others to read and possibly judge.
These stories were interesting, sometimes funny, sometimes heartwrenching and sad, and often very relatable.
Definitely worth a read.
May 21, 2023
Really enjoyed the content of this book. I loved the different perspectives and the different issues that each person's story encompassed. Some of these made my heart hurt, and some made me excited for the support they received. My only wish was that maybe some more of the cultural nuances were explained more in depth (since I am not of South Asian descent and just don't know a ton about the various cultures there), but it was not enough for me to deduct a star - if the women in these stories didn't want to share that, they shouldn't have been made to for the sake of keeping it's genuine feel. Definitely would recommend picking up!
April 30, 2018
Last night, I was able to attend the book launch in San Francisco for "Good Girls Marry Doctors: South Asian American Daughters on Obedience and Rebellion."
The book is an anthology of personal essays written by desi women - women who did *not* marry doctors, women who *don't* fit the "good girl" mold... women who, for all their rebellion against the cultural dictats of 'respect,' 'obedience,' and 'honour,' still find themselves aching for the loss of their families' love and acceptance... no matter how painful.
I will be perfectly honest - I initially expected that the event (and the book) would be fun, but relatively light, not particularly serious, perhaps just another extension of the growing trend amongst people of colour sharing anecdotes about their lives and poking fun at our collective idiosyncrasies.
As soon as editor Piyali Bhattacharya started speaking, however, I found myself frozen in my seat - every word echoed and resonated with me, an emotional connection both intense and utterly unexpected.
"Good Girls marry doctors, it's true, especially in the desi community. What, then, do Bad Girls do? Surely, I reasoned in that moment, Bad Girls write publicly about their parents and guardians... Bad Girls forget how deeply they have been loved, Bad Girls ignore what it took for them to get the educations they now have, Bad Girls... spin spiteful tales of woe about the very people who have devoted every ounce of emotional and physical energy they had towards the Bad Girls' well-beings...
We yearned for more. We had political opinions, sexual desires, professional passions, and a whole host of other cravings that didn't fit this mold. We tried as long as we could to incorporate these feelings into our Good Girl selves, but the more we let ideas into our lives, the less space there was inside that box.
And yet, the idea of rebelling was scary. We were brought up to believe that there was no bond more sacred than that between us and our parents, and that nothing could be more dishonorable than to bring the shame of disobedience on our families. After all, didn't our parents have our best interests at heart? Just as scary was what awaited us if we gave up the safety of the Good Girl mold. What other kinds of safety would we lose? How would we support ourselves? What kind of a life could we envision for ourselves in which the home we grew up in was no longer the stable anchor it used to be? Where would our area of refuge be? Without the approval of our parents, how would we pin down and draw out the maps of our bodies, our spirits?"
(Introduction, Good Girls Marry Doctors)
The words rang in my ears, reminding me of so much of the turmoil I have experienced over the last several years. I may have been the only "conservative" (i.e. niqaabi) Muslim desi woman in a room full of middle-class, educated, liberal, hipster millenials (and not-so-millenials)... but in that moment, I knew that I shared the same experiences with them - the same sense of having chosen one's own way, making life decisions that parents and family could not fathom, and continue to struggle with today. Those choices have simultaneously benefited us and caused us pain: coming into our own; breaking out of too-rigid boxes, of expectations that we could never meet and no longer want to, of blazing our own trails through landscapes our families wished us to avoid completely... and seeing the grief and anger and heartbreak and confusion and hurt in the faces of our parents, who see in our actions a rejection of all that they have ever done for us, all that they have ever wished for us, all that they believe so strongly is the Right Thing.
It is a cliche that these types of rebellions occur only in the framework of a conservative family and a liberal renegade child - to think that the conservative men and women, the religious men and women, are the ones who simply carry on the strict, narrow standards of 'back home,' of our parents' beliefs and demands and expectations.
Yet even those men who grow their beards and attend the masjid more often than their grandparents did, even those women who cover their heads and their faces as seriously as any aunty... even we have our own stories of rebellion and obedience, of pride and sorrow, of joy and disownment. We carry the weight of Prophetic injuctions towards parental obedience along with the unshakeable knowledge that we *cannot* stay married to this person, or go through with this career, or live in a way that destroys us from within. We carry within us the ever-present fear that the gates to Paradise beneath our mothers' feet will be closed to us, even as we plead with them and with Allah for forgiveness for actions that we do not truly regret.
For every desi woman, for every desi man, for everyone who has known that they can no longer be the Good Girl (or Boy) at the expense of their own lives... Good Girls Marry Doctors is a reminder that even as we experience our own unique grief, we are not alone.
The book is an anthology of personal essays written by desi women - women who did *not* marry doctors, women who *don't* fit the "good girl" mold... women who, for all their rebellion against the cultural dictats of 'respect,' 'obedience,' and 'honour,' still find themselves aching for the loss of their families' love and acceptance... no matter how painful.
I will be perfectly honest - I initially expected that the event (and the book) would be fun, but relatively light, not particularly serious, perhaps just another extension of the growing trend amongst people of colour sharing anecdotes about their lives and poking fun at our collective idiosyncrasies.
As soon as editor Piyali Bhattacharya started speaking, however, I found myself frozen in my seat - every word echoed and resonated with me, an emotional connection both intense and utterly unexpected.
"Good Girls marry doctors, it's true, especially in the desi community. What, then, do Bad Girls do? Surely, I reasoned in that moment, Bad Girls write publicly about their parents and guardians... Bad Girls forget how deeply they have been loved, Bad Girls ignore what it took for them to get the educations they now have, Bad Girls... spin spiteful tales of woe about the very people who have devoted every ounce of emotional and physical energy they had towards the Bad Girls' well-beings...
We yearned for more. We had political opinions, sexual desires, professional passions, and a whole host of other cravings that didn't fit this mold. We tried as long as we could to incorporate these feelings into our Good Girl selves, but the more we let ideas into our lives, the less space there was inside that box.
And yet, the idea of rebelling was scary. We were brought up to believe that there was no bond more sacred than that between us and our parents, and that nothing could be more dishonorable than to bring the shame of disobedience on our families. After all, didn't our parents have our best interests at heart? Just as scary was what awaited us if we gave up the safety of the Good Girl mold. What other kinds of safety would we lose? How would we support ourselves? What kind of a life could we envision for ourselves in which the home we grew up in was no longer the stable anchor it used to be? Where would our area of refuge be? Without the approval of our parents, how would we pin down and draw out the maps of our bodies, our spirits?"
(Introduction, Good Girls Marry Doctors)
The words rang in my ears, reminding me of so much of the turmoil I have experienced over the last several years. I may have been the only "conservative" (i.e. niqaabi) Muslim desi woman in a room full of middle-class, educated, liberal, hipster millenials (and not-so-millenials)... but in that moment, I knew that I shared the same experiences with them - the same sense of having chosen one's own way, making life decisions that parents and family could not fathom, and continue to struggle with today. Those choices have simultaneously benefited us and caused us pain: coming into our own; breaking out of too-rigid boxes, of expectations that we could never meet and no longer want to, of blazing our own trails through landscapes our families wished us to avoid completely... and seeing the grief and anger and heartbreak and confusion and hurt in the faces of our parents, who see in our actions a rejection of all that they have ever done for us, all that they have ever wished for us, all that they believe so strongly is the Right Thing.
It is a cliche that these types of rebellions occur only in the framework of a conservative family and a liberal renegade child - to think that the conservative men and women, the religious men and women, are the ones who simply carry on the strict, narrow standards of 'back home,' of our parents' beliefs and demands and expectations.
Yet even those men who grow their beards and attend the masjid more often than their grandparents did, even those women who cover their heads and their faces as seriously as any aunty... even we have our own stories of rebellion and obedience, of pride and sorrow, of joy and disownment. We carry the weight of Prophetic injuctions towards parental obedience along with the unshakeable knowledge that we *cannot* stay married to this person, or go through with this career, or live in a way that destroys us from within. We carry within us the ever-present fear that the gates to Paradise beneath our mothers' feet will be closed to us, even as we plead with them and with Allah for forgiveness for actions that we do not truly regret.
For every desi woman, for every desi man, for everyone who has known that they can no longer be the Good Girl (or Boy) at the expense of their own lives... Good Girls Marry Doctors is a reminder that even as we experience our own unique grief, we are not alone.
June 11, 2023
Pretty good collection of Desi diaspora essays. Title is not great, but what can you do. Some essays were really insightful looks into intersectional experiences within the South Asian diaspora. Some essays read like the embarrassing Common App essay I wrote about my _struggles_. This book has it all! Admittedly, I often don't think too deeply about the massive difference between groups within the South Asian diaspora. Reading these essays really helped me concretize the extreme heterogeneity within the diaspora on many dimensions - cultural, economic, and intellectual - and the impact of those differences.
April 27, 2018
Good Girls Marry Doctors: South Asian American Daughters on Obedience and Rebellion is an anthology of essays (mainly narrative and descriptive essays) about the expectations and the result of these expectations of daughters in South Asian American families. It is a collection of approximately thirty real life situations written by various South Asian American female writers from various walks of life and depth of life experiences.
Perhaps I'm being overly sentimental writing this review, but I really enjoyed reading this collection for the most part. Full disclosure: although I'm not a South Asian American Daughter who is encouraged to marry doctors – I am a South Asian Canadian Son who is encouraged to go into medicine – well pharmacology to attract a good South Asian Canadian Daughter to marry. So I do understand the pressures that a South Asian immigrant family could give, although it they seem harsher and stricter on daughters than sons, but then again, I'm not totally surprised by that revelation. In any regards, I am tangentially attached to the situation and it may or may not color my review.
I enjoy the fact that the writers were not only South Asian Women, but from different ages and stages in life too – drawing on their own unique situation that only a person who a lived for different periods of time could give. I also like the fact that not just the daughters in these families are different, but the parents as well. I confess, I always thought all immigrant families – especially from South Asia acted in a certain manner, because that has been my experience – my reality. So it was really good to read that some parents were more liberal or conservative when dealing with their daughters. I liked that this anthology didn't put anyone in their stereotypical boxes – especially the parents.
I also like the candor of this anthology – every essay written has an authenticity to it that anyone can understand. We all have parents and they had expectations for the children – some are more vocal at it and others are not. I also liked that there is a contributor’s biography at the end, which tells the reader even more of our essayists.
Like most anthologies there are contributions that didn't resonate with me much, but those are mostly outliers and didn't disturb my enjoyment of the anthology. Actually, I think the strength to this collection is the diversity of the authors and their life's experiences that they were so graciously willing to share – even in a small section of the population like South Asian Americans Daughters. Hopefully, those essays that didn't resonate with me – would one day, because as I age and grow, so do my views of the world.
All in all, I think Good Girls Marry Doctors: South Asian American Daughters on Obedience and Rebellion succeeded in their mission statement and gave a varied and multi-faceted view of life as a daughter living in the "new world", but with "old world" traditions and tendencies.
Perhaps I'm being overly sentimental writing this review, but I really enjoyed reading this collection for the most part. Full disclosure: although I'm not a South Asian American Daughter who is encouraged to marry doctors – I am a South Asian Canadian Son who is encouraged to go into medicine – well pharmacology to attract a good South Asian Canadian Daughter to marry. So I do understand the pressures that a South Asian immigrant family could give, although it they seem harsher and stricter on daughters than sons, but then again, I'm not totally surprised by that revelation. In any regards, I am tangentially attached to the situation and it may or may not color my review.
I enjoy the fact that the writers were not only South Asian Women, but from different ages and stages in life too – drawing on their own unique situation that only a person who a lived for different periods of time could give. I also like the fact that not just the daughters in these families are different, but the parents as well. I confess, I always thought all immigrant families – especially from South Asia acted in a certain manner, because that has been my experience – my reality. So it was really good to read that some parents were more liberal or conservative when dealing with their daughters. I liked that this anthology didn't put anyone in their stereotypical boxes – especially the parents.
I also like the candor of this anthology – every essay written has an authenticity to it that anyone can understand. We all have parents and they had expectations for the children – some are more vocal at it and others are not. I also liked that there is a contributor’s biography at the end, which tells the reader even more of our essayists.
Like most anthologies there are contributions that didn't resonate with me much, but those are mostly outliers and didn't disturb my enjoyment of the anthology. Actually, I think the strength to this collection is the diversity of the authors and their life's experiences that they were so graciously willing to share – even in a small section of the population like South Asian Americans Daughters. Hopefully, those essays that didn't resonate with me – would one day, because as I age and grow, so do my views of the world.
All in all, I think Good Girls Marry Doctors: South Asian American Daughters on Obedience and Rebellion succeeded in their mission statement and gave a varied and multi-faceted view of life as a daughter living in the "new world", but with "old world" traditions and tendencies.
October 15, 2018
An anthology of South Asian American daughterhood. Honest and courageous representations—you can feel the grit in the writing. Variously hilarious, devastating, shocking, and familiar, these essays were such compelling reads.
December 17, 2016
When I read the Foreword and Introduction, my thought was, "YES! This!" Battacharya does an incredible job summarizing what it means to be a Good Girl as a South Asian Woman. I moved into each of the stories. I couldn't quite relate to the first few stories in the book, but about a third of the way though the stories, I thought they became stronger and more relatable. There are some sweet and light hearted stories, there are also other stories that are difficult to read because of the content. The stories vary from a writer's mother being more rebellious than the writer could have ever imagined, to physical and emotional abuse. The women detail a small snippet of their lives, giving insight into their struggles of reconciling being both South Asian and North American, and how they navigated both worlds.
This book is so important. It's important for everyone to read. From South Asian adolescents to adults. This book told me that I am not alone, and I believe that was part of Battacharya's goal when she envisioned this anthology - that the stories of South Asian Women need to be shared because so many of us share similar experiences, but we never talk about them. This book is important for South Asian parents to read, for an insight into how the first generation (and beyond) thinks and feels and the difficulties in navigating two (or more) cultures. It is important for non-South Asians to read for an insight and understanding to their South Asian counter parts' lives. It is difficult to explain, but these stories nail the varied experiences.
I wish I could have read this 15 years ago, as a teenager, to know that many others had the same struggle I did. I continue to struggle, but I am not alone.
This book is so important. It's important for everyone to read. From South Asian adolescents to adults. This book told me that I am not alone, and I believe that was part of Battacharya's goal when she envisioned this anthology - that the stories of South Asian Women need to be shared because so many of us share similar experiences, but we never talk about them. This book is important for South Asian parents to read, for an insight into how the first generation (and beyond) thinks and feels and the difficulties in navigating two (or more) cultures. It is important for non-South Asians to read for an insight and understanding to their South Asian counter parts' lives. It is difficult to explain, but these stories nail the varied experiences.
I wish I could have read this 15 years ago, as a teenager, to know that many others had the same struggle I did. I continue to struggle, but I am not alone.
May 13, 2018
I started this book expecting something easy to relate to, but ended up with something even better. 26 authors sharing their own immigrant parent relationship stories, opened my eyes to see that each woman has a very different experience. Some of the voices, resounded with my own life, while others were so far out - they made me a little uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable is a good thing in this circumstance. There is no other way we step into someone else's shoes, otherwise.
The challenge with books like this is, you don't get the full story- just the piece the author is able to share briefly. I wanted to know what happened to these women, if they did find success and acceptance at the end of the day. I can only hope that they do, since they have contributed their story. But some authors still sound lost and unsure, and it definitely stresses me out to know that.
I would love to read more books like this. It's not only reminds me that I am not alone, but that my story is also unique-actually each and every one of us is unique.
The challenge with books like this is, you don't get the full story- just the piece the author is able to share briefly. I wanted to know what happened to these women, if they did find success and acceptance at the end of the day. I can only hope that they do, since they have contributed their story. But some authors still sound lost and unsure, and it definitely stresses me out to know that.
I would love to read more books like this. It's not only reminds me that I am not alone, but that my story is also unique-actually each and every one of us is unique.
June 22, 2018
As a South Asian American daughter (via the Caribbean) I absolutely loved this collection, and I applaud the writers for their courage and willingness to share their (our) stories and some of the secret thoughts we even don't want to admit to ourselves we've had. A poignant glimpse at how some women process societal and familial pressures - some uplifting, some humorous, but always honest - as we struggle to reconcile our immigrant roots with our American-ness.
I would highly recommend this book, esp to children of immigrants, and maybe more importantly to parents - because I think many immigrant parents do not grasp how different it is for us to navigate the world when we're straddling the threshhold between their nation of birth and ours.
I would highly recommend this book, esp to children of immigrants, and maybe more importantly to parents - because I think many immigrant parents do not grasp how different it is for us to navigate the world when we're straddling the threshhold between their nation of birth and ours.
March 9, 2018
I love this book so much. Simultaneously heart-warming and heart-breaking, I applaud the courage of each of these women, who were brave enough to share their deeply personal stories. I laughed. I teared up. I felt indignant. I felt angry.
And had a sense of understanding that amidst the frustration and hate that brings about rebellion: there is love. This compilation has perfectly captured the struggles and realities of daughters of South Asian immigrants living in North America amidst the 70s and 80s. I want to buy a copy for all my south Asian friends and cousins. Their stories resonated with me deeply and it was a privilege to read their tales of resilience.
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And had a sense of understanding that amidst the frustration and hate that brings about rebellion: there is love. This compilation has perfectly captured the struggles and realities of daughters of South Asian immigrants living in North America amidst the 70s and 80s. I want to buy a copy for all my south Asian friends and cousins. Their stories resonated with me deeply and it was a privilege to read their tales of resilience.
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August 16, 2017
Given the nature of this collection, some stories were beautifully written and others weren't executed with the same level of skill. But even though I connected with some more than others, this was definitely an eye-opening read that I strongly recommend. I certainly walked away from this book with a deeper understanding of South Asian culture and the unique struggles of WOC, immigrants, LGBTQ women, and more.
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